*This story is for my dear J. It’s about seeing this weird world through your eyes.
Reprints are welcome, but please give credit where credit is due and please do not remove this statement.
*Chapter 1: An Unexplained Mystery
Looking at his wife sleeping beside him his heart stirred up a wave of hate, which hate and with endless love, contradictory to himself also do not know what to do.
The other night I looked at my wife’s computer when I couldn’t sleep. At first, I was just curious, because my wife had always laughed at me for not knowing how to use a computer, and I just wanted to try out this strange, but always difficult machine on my own.
When I turned on the computer, it asked me for my password. I thought to myself, “Why would I want a password for a perfectly good computer? It’s not like it’s a great state secret. I tried several times without success, but I’m a pretty patient and persistent person. Hmmm! I started trying combinations of phone numbers and birthdays, and finally… bingo… haha! The password was my wife and I’s wedding anniversary, and I couldn’t help but feel a tinge of sweetness in my heart.
E-mail is the first thing I had to learn to read, I was very careful to only dare to click on the desktop of those small pictures, but nothing happened. Then I clicked on every place underneath, I clicked on something that looked like an image of the earth, and immediately a screen popped up and scared me, the computer asked me if I wanted to connect. Oh, my God! What would happen if I connected? Never mind. Then I clicked on another little image next door to it and another screen popped up. That’s right, it’s an e-mail address, I know what it looks like but I don’t know where it is, I’m not too stupid.
I’m not totally computer illiterate, I’m just afraid of computers. The company helped us with a dozen or so hours of classes, but I was avoiding them as long as I could, which made my wife laugh at me for a long time.
My computer teacher said that reading the instructions was the best thing to do in order to study the computer. I was about to press the instructions when the first line of the letter surfaced… Dear…. I tried for a long time to enlarge the mailbox, and it was a letter from a strange man to my wife, filled with explicit love and lust. There were not only one, but four or five other letters inside, totaling two men.
I tried to open the deleted emails as well as the sent docket, and there were more secrets inside, secrets that gripped me like death, and my hands kept shaking. My wife was having a physical relationship with two men at the same time, but I didn’t know anything about it.
Quietly shutting down my computer, I hoped I hadn’t left any trace. My stomach began to ache and I wanted to vomit but couldn’t. Putting on my coat I decided to go to the convenience store at the end of the alley to buy a pack of cigarettes, and as I opened the door I remembered that it had been over a year since I quit smoking.
Sitting in the atrium I smoked cigarettes, one after the other, as I tried to remember this time.
My wife hasn’t changed at all, all I know is that she was under a lot of stress early last year because she had just been promoted, and she complained non-stop every day, and at one point she almost wanted to give up her job. This is actually understandable, isn’t it? Stress at work is normal for me and I usually get used to it after a while. I just think this kind of complaining is meaningless, I can only advise her to face the problem to solve the difficulties, everything will soon be smooth. Looking back on that time we used to argue a lot, she always thought my proposals were bad and I thought she was not experienced enough. When was this problem solved? Memory can not be searched, but to both sides have given up on the work of the exchange, after all, is a different field it! Complaints and arguments seemed to disappear naturally.
Was it that time? But I can’t see any other changes in my wife, she still loves me and my family and my children, I don’t doubt that, I can see it in her eyes. So many years, wife look at my eyes have been a kind of tenderness, always net me, no change, never changed. Bed things are not frequent, but I can see that she is very satisfied, is it for show? But that kind of wet, that kind of cry is so real. Am I too few times? Time is too short?
Or is it just that I’m not good at kung fu and my organs are short?
I started to get angry, I thought this was something to talk about, and I got up and went home.
Seeing my wife’s sleeping body, I suddenly got excited, not angry, but a kind of love and pity. Wife is how a woman? In love with each other to get married, so twenty years of everything is broken, why do you want to lie to me?
Normally at this point my wife should be like a stranger to me, but she wasn’t, I felt so close to her, but, why? What’s going on here?
I can’t believe I couldn’t ask my wife, or even wake her up as pure as a lamb, I was so heartbroken for her ah!
I lay down and kissed her gently on the cheek, and my wife mumbled something about the smell of smoke.
Chapter 2: Escaping Pressure
Women in the workplace will always be a vase, the funny thing is that women’s biggest rivals are often women. Seventeen years of struggle, so that I finally reached the manager of this position, but behind the pain is not someone else can understand, even the husband does not know. Hubby four years older than me, I do not think I ability to lose him, but he is too much smoother than me.
The funny thing is, when I took this position it was not accompanied by congratulations and blessings, but by a tidal wave of cold arrows and criticisms behind my back. Everyone was waiting for me to fall. Some people thought I was relying on nepotism and seduction. No one supported me, everyone in the ministry sang the opposite, and the psychological pressure made me almost collapse. No one understands, and I still have to put on a strong face that I’m a strong woman who can’t be beaten. Even my husband can’t relate to all this, he thinks it’s a simple matter of adjustment, ugh! I want someone to hold me and wrap their arms around me so badly, I want to cry in my husband’s arms so badly. But, no, I am strong and I don’t need pity as well as sympathy, not even from my beloved husband.
But my head hurts, my shoulders feel like they’re weighing down a thousand pounds, and every morning when I wake up I have to try to convince myself to face the world. I must escape to an empty place, a safe place, a place where I am alone.
I got into the habit of hanging out in Internet cafes during my lunch break. Although the office has Internet access, as a supervisor I have to set a good example, and I strictly forbid my coworkers from transmitting pornographic and nasty graphics to each other. This kind of stuff is extremely offensive to me, and it completely objectifies women.
The internet is big, but it’s extremely funny, and within a few days of wandering around there’s nowhere to go. Only chat rooms are my favorite places, where there are many people who are as empty as I am. Through a text, with a mask, I can reveal everything about me without fear, it just needs to be carefully wrapped.
To be a woman of forty, which was extremely rare in chat rooms, but I didn’t deliberately hide my age, I didn’t intend to meet something in this virtual space. Age was my talisman, and I didn’t want to be in any danger here.
Liu is forty-five and seems like a high-ranking executive, and he always has the patience to listen to my grievances. But basically I decided that he was just too slow to type in time to argue my feminism. I couldn’t quite stand the speed of his typing, and come to think of it, it’s pretty vain for a person to just complain about their problems and have a hard time getting a response. Lau asked me to join him for a cup of coffee on my lunch break, and he assured me he’d be a good listener. I thought it would be nice to have someone to talk to, and I really kind of hated his typing speed.
Liu’s look is very faction, a bit like the ability to call the wind and rain, the so-called dragon in the people! He is the same as in the chat room, not much to say, but each sentence is really can cut my heart many troubles. Chatting with him makes me feel comfortable and at ease, we soon became familiar with him like a big brother, I think I learned a lot of things in him.
Liu is married with three children. But other than that, I know absolutely nothing about any of his background, which is only natural since he doesn’t know everything about me either. I guess people always have to protect themselves, we’re both adults, and the limit is just in leaving an e-mail address.
I remember the figure of him getting up to pay the bill that hot afternoon when time didn’t allow us to talk any longer. Something suddenly stirred inside me, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, but I could clearly feel that I wanted to continue the conversation I had just had. It made me feel pampered, safe, and even contained a hint of depravity.
Wang is a completely different typical man, he is the second online friend I met, about three days apart from Liu!
He didn’t seem the least bit interested in my work woes, and I’m sure he wasn’t interested in all the world’s problems. He was a sunny man, thirty out of thirty, and all that came out of the conversation was his ambitious goals and his great future. I know he’s bound to fail, he’s not cut out for it, he’s just a braggart. But I love listening to him brag, it takes me back to my younger days when I was so blind to what was possible.
He wasn’t exactly handsome, but he was clean and vibrant and a very happy man.
It was a late weekend afternoon and we were eating a cheap lunch in the basement of Sunbeam, accompanied by a noisy crowd. He was a little surprised when he first saw me, but he should have expected me to be such an old woman. He said he didn’t expect me to still look as thirty years old, which I know is a lie, but it’s heart-warming isn’t it?
I said I was going to go shopping for women’s clothes, I like to see men helpless, heh! Men are afraid to accompany women to look at clothes. Unsurprisingly, within an hour Wang was already at his wit’s end, that sunny look slowly fading, haha!
What happened next was something I didn’t expect, King suddenly took my hand and said let’s go for a walk, it’s so boring. This made me a little angry, I was angry at his rudeness, but at the same time, I was shocked by the kind of persistence he had, especially by the kind of persistence that came from his hand.
I felt like I was being dragged out, I didn’t know where he was taking me, my head was blank. All I know is that it’s been a long time since I’ve felt like I didn’t need to make up my mind, and I’ve been completely carried along. How long has it been like this? Long enough to be a child, I guess!
A desire rose up and strangely enough I wasn’t afraid. I have no experience except for my husband, who is my first love and the only man I love.
It was a hotel, and I obediently walked in with the king like I was hypnotized. The affair wasn’t really that hard, not like I thought it would be. I knew the game had switched sides and I was at a disadvantage, but I was willing.
I undressed very carefully and folded my clothes to contain the King’s. I don’t know why I was so calm, even though this was going to be the biggest crisis of my life and I was going to lose my chastity and vows yet there was no uneasiness or regret at all.
I can barely remember the process, only that I was very wet when he penetrated, causing him to accidentally slip out several times. He poked very hard and I must have had several orgasms! I think I came the moment he poked it in, but I really don’t remember much.
He fucked me three times, I think it was three times! The process was mentioned in his later letter.
It’s funny how I can’t remember anything, but I need to rely on letters from him later to remind me of what happened. I couldn’t remember his face, his lips and tongue, the look of his cock, or even how many times I’d come. The only thing I do remember is leaning over his chest afterward and listening to him brag about it, and having him tell me that he’d keep me in some backyard garden when he succeeded and my only job was just to have sex with him. It was a good idea, I wouldn’t have to deal with that mountain of official business anymore. Then I drifted off to sleep.
Chapter 3: The Torture of Imagination
Smoking is an emotion that can’t be unplugged, like so many things, like my love for my wife. I know it’s gnawing at me, my heart flips, hating it enough to want to end it all, but there’s just no way to come up with any ideas. The town day let the mind thoughts like this around, smoke a cigarette one by one.
Want to know why everything happened? I know directly showdown is the simplest and purest way, but the facts behind make me afraid. Fear that my wife did not love me so, fear of how the two of them will be relative since then, fear of my wife’s departure, fear that I can not afford to leave my wife. Yes, what torments me is fear, and the root of fear comes from jealousy. I know the focus of all my problems, just as a doctor knows how the cancer is spreading in his own body, what can he do but understand him?
I have to pretend everything is fine, but I can’t focus my attention and my wife is starting to complain about my smoking. It’s a relief program, I can spend a lot of time smoking on the balcony every night and then torture myself with endless questions.
I started to learn computers hard, everyone in the office was shocked by me, computers are really not that hard are they? I secretly turned on my wife’s computer every night, I learned how to check for hidden files, how to rummage through boxes without leaving any traces, I went through every part of my wife’s computer’s hard disk. Although I couldn’t find any remains of her mailbox, I began to imagine that maybe she hid her data at work, or maybe she used her free mailbox to send mail, because I didn’t see any record of her sending mail. Or maybe she killed the mail after sending it, but why didn’t she delete the mail she received?
I tortured myself with all sorts of reasoning as well as fantasizing about all the unpleasant scenarios I hypothesized, including divorce. My computer skills are almost to the point where I can snoop on other people’s computers without a trace, but I can’t even type a report on a notepad. Ridiculous isn’t it? Jealousy became the driving force behind my progress, and the general manager even publicly praised my spirit of learning in the weekly meetings.
I haven’t touched my wife for a few days. It’s not that I don’t have the desire, I’m just upset. Every day, my mind is filled with my wife’s affair, why? Why? Why? Why? Why is it that in the past two weeks, I have only seen letters from other people, but no response from my wife? I want to get inside her mind and find out why. I can’t see any reply from my wife, I don’t have any clue about my wife’s mind, I’ve become blind, I can only do the puzzle in my mind.
Late at night to be four o’clock, this evening I only looked to see if there is a new letter, the rest of the time I was on the balcony smoking. With a frustrated mood back to the room, lying next to my wife, unconsciously I gently embrace her. My heart cried out, don’t go, I beg you not to leave me like this, okay?
I felt my wife’s nipples through her pajamas, which were usually all she wore after a bath. My body’s suppressed desire erupted like a volcano, burning my every nerve, but I didn’t make any move, just lightly touching my wife.
Wife suddenly rolled over and said dreamily: ‘God ah! It’s so hard.’
My body began to break down, and I wrapped my arms around my wife so hard that she came to her senses as a whole. She began to play with my prick, rubbing it, the pleasure extending from my lower body to every nerve. Wife removed my underwear and took my rod in her mouth, her tongue deftly weaving in and out of the grooves of my rod.
Involuntarily floating in the back of my mind is my wife serving other men like this? Such a gesture? This was supposed to belong to me alone ah!
The unfamiliar male shadow lay on top of my wife’s white body, his oversized prick thrusting hard, the lustful water accompanied by my wife’s cries of pleasure…
The glans tightened and I was surprised to cum, in my wife’s mouth.
I’ve never done that before. I can usually do it for about ten minutes! I was so embarrassed that I told my wife I was sorry. My wife covered her mouth and rushed to the bathroom, where I could hear vomiting, the toilet flushing, and the sound of teeth brushing.
Wife came out with a soft face and whispered: ‘It’s okay, you probably slept too little lately! Don’t mind! Don’t be too tired.’
My wife’s soft body in my arms to fall asleep, but I can not forget the shadow of the man just now, my lower body unconsciously rose again.
Chapter 4: The Tentacles of Sadness
This was the first affair in my life, and what made it sad was not the remorse afterward, but the lack of any feelings of guilt at all. I’m not a woman without introspection, I tried so hard to feel an ounce of shame after it happened, but I didn’t feel anything when I got home and faced my husband, and that’s the only thing that made me feel sad about this incident.
I thought long and hard the next day. I didn’t love my husband a little less! Nor was I in the least likely to fall in love with a little boy like King. What happened? My problem was that I wasn’t like a heroine in a serial who is stuck in a morality and conscience of grief and death, I was calm. More seriously, I don’t regret that it happened.
I felt a sense of confidence in the office on Monday, I could even feel my coworkers getting cute and it made me happy. It was a happy day and the body was in a state of euphoria. Lau asked me to join him for dinner and I checked in with my husband and I believe I should be home around ten.
The atmosphere of the restaurant was excellent, Liu, as usual, did not talk much, but it was me who talked so much that I surprised myself. Liu seems to be I vent a trace of happiness, a small glass of red wine, let Liu face a kind of youthful spirit.
Liu seldom talk about himself, every chat is always me complaining, looking at his slightly weathered eyes, suddenly have a feeling of love and pity. Liu is very natural across the table reached out to hold me, I just let him hold, feel a kind of warmth, but not passion.
Liu said very directly, upstairs guest room is good, I bowed my head and did not respond. After waiting for a while, Liu didn’t make any further moves, and I knew he was the kind of person who absolutely respected people. In fact, I did not have the idea of refusing, when I recalled it afterward, this point surprised me, I have not had an affair with Wang for 48 hours! At the time there was just a sad feeling in my heart that as soon as I had a relationship I would lose a friend who was so close to me, and I delayed the moment just so I could have some more affection.
I got up and walked to the elevator, Liu called the waiter and whispered a few words. In the elevator I turned my back to Liu and looked out at the scene outside the elevator, the ground shrinking and shrinking in front of me, the beginning and loss of a relationship.
In the bathroom he was embracing me from behind, stroking me, and I couldn’t help but moan as I felt the hardness of his prick rubbing between my strands. Liu nibbled on my earlobe, his hands tweaking the tips of my breasts as if tugging at my heartstrings. His hands slid down to the hidden spot between my legs, the warm water raining down on us, his lips exploring my back like rain.
I couldn’t handle such caresses, and Liu was a man in no hurry, taking my body from one peak to another. Finally, I could feel his cock reaching my pussy, and he caressed my nub with his glans, teasing, but still refusing to enter. I braced my hands on the wall and tried to push my lower body back up as I began to plead with him.
Sensing Liu’s hesitation, I looked back at Liu, who turned the water off and handed me the washcloth.
Liu continued to kiss me in bed, but I felt a hesitation, but not because of a loss of desire. I knew he wanted my body, he wanted to penetrate me because I could feel the throbbing when I caressed his prick, the throbbing that wanted to explode. I looked down and kissed his prick, I loved the feel of his prick throbbing in my mouth, I wanted him to give me everything.
Straddling Lau’s body, I felt out that I couldn’t get any wetter down there and I sat down. The cock pierced me straight to my womb and my body started to shake with excitement. I felt so full and satiated in my hole that I couldn’t move more than to enjoy the fullness. I fought to swing my body back and forth, asking him to poke me, I wanted it so bad, I wanted a man to poke me.
I paused as Ryu made no move to respond. He looked at me with a hint of sadness in his eyes and lay still. Though I could feel his rod leaping inside me.
I got up and lay on my back beside him, and Lau made no attempt to pull me back. His prick was still wet and angry with my lust. I tried to make an effort to gently stroke this marvelous and lovely column of flesh, to salvage some of the pleasure.
Lau started to try to explain about worrying if this was going to ruin our relationship, the man was suddenly talking a lot, at moments when he shouldn’t have been talking a lot. Yes, but it was too late to worry about that, I had already worried about it just now during dinner. And, if what I had just done could be called making love, then what I wanted at that moment was no longer the Liu I knew so well, I wanted a man. A man with a weapon to make me scream and go crazy, as long as it satisfies me, I don’t really care who it is at that time.
With a feeling of humiliation, pulling up the sheet to cover his body he got up and went to the bathroom to rinse off and got dressed as he went. Liu got up and started begging me not to leave, he kissed me I refused. The rod was still hard and wobbling, but there was no longer a trace of excitement, the story played out.
I never saw Liu or Wang again, refused to answer my phone calls or reply to my letters. I kept every letter from them, it was just to prove that I had been there. I don’t know if there will ever be another man. Sex doesn’t really matter to me, I think I just want to be out of order, out of the box for a while. There is nothing in the world more important than my precious children and there is never anyone or anything that can take away the love for my husband.
It’s already a distant story. Both Liu and Wang wrote without interruption, and Liu even nearly broke down to tell of his love. Yes, I know it’s too dangerous, so I won’t write back.
I couldn’t forget the humiliating lingering, and I wasn’t sure it counted as having made love. But I knew that Liu might take my heart, for I still occasionally thought of his body, especially the sight of his prick standing up wet with my lust as he lay on the bed. A humiliation, a love affair, which scared me. But time would wash it away, and I had to get out before I could love him yet.
Wow! Perhaps I have fallen in love with him, but I know that this love is currently beyond the comparison of a rooted husband. I must remove all the weeds when they are just sprouting, or it will spread some unknown night and spread to take over my whole heart.
Hubby has been uncharacteristically absent-minded lately, and even his cigarettes, which he managed to quit with great difficulty, have come back on. Maybe it’s also work that’s bothering him! He hasn’t even touched me in two weeks. Last night, he was about to have sex, but he even ejaculated in my mouth, God! I love to suck on his cock, but the taste of semen is… it’s too much for adult movies. I started to worry about him a little bit, and I thought we needed to have a talk tonight. I know what it’s like to be stuck at work, and he needed my help at this point.
Thinking of my husband makes me sweet inside. I’m going to tease him tonight, I want him to hug me so bad, I’ll comfort him well with my actions.
After the kids were all asleep, I forced my husband into bed, lying on top of him I pressed myself against him, trying to feel if his rod would get aroused by the writhing of my body, which used to work, but what I needed was to wear only a sheer robe, and then the rest of it… hee hee!
My husband’s eyes were half-closed, and I was a little troubled by his lack of response, so I gently shook him by the shoulders and asked him what was wrong. I shook his shoulder and asked him what was wrong and what was bothering him so much.
My husband insisted that nothing was wrong, but my could see a glint of sadness in his eyes, a weariness as deep as the sea, as deep as a stranger. I couldn’t look him in the eye, he looked at me with his eyes open, the tentacles of sadness reaching into my heart, what was he digging for?
Everything was so quiet, I was even hoping that this was the moment when the baby suddenly woke up and cried loudly. I feel overwhelmed by my position still straddling him, I don’t know if I should climb down or should I stay in this position? I’m afraid of the look in his eyes, he’s hurting me, and even though he doesn’t say a word, it’s clear to me that he must know something.
Hubby broke the silence and said, ‘Go to bed early!
Gently I slid down his body and turned my back to him, curling my body up in a way that would make me feel safe. I knew my strong walls had hectically fallen and I had to face the courtroom alone, without any lawyer to defend me. I could plead guilty and ask the court for leniency, I could cry and plead, the problem was that I didn’t have any feeling that I was at fault, I couldn’t pretend. I never pretend in front of my husband, I can’t, I really can’t, I am always real in front of him.
I can’t explain the deception, I can’t say, ‘I didn’t say anything because you didn’t ask.’
That’s a stupid explanation. But other than that, how can I keep facing my husband without a mask?
I started to whimper, not because I regretted all these things happening, but the fear that he was going to leave me, I knew he didn’t want me. Fear filled my heart, I felt cold, I was so scared and afraid, I didn’t want him to go.
I whispered, ‘What do you want to know?’
Chapter 5: Abandoned Love
I’m beginning to regret knowing all this, if I didn’t know I wouldn’t have to bear such pain today. I tried to wave away all the memories, but they haunted and haunted me like ghosts. My chest often aches inexplicably and I begin to have trouble remembering the trivial things around me.
I’ve given up on tracking it down, and that’s what I’m most worried about.
I was afraid that my jealousy would win me love, and because I couldn’t overcome it, I became angry. Everything turned into a movie script, and I was the screenwriter, and I could write every episode of it and fiddle with every character as I pleased.
I couldn’t understand why I could always hear the sounds, the movements of my wife’s panting under the poking and prodding of another man in my head, and I was ditching every detail of it all the time. And one of the most unforgivable things was that I would get aroused by it, and I spent the whole day today in a state of arousal. I was so worked up by my erection that I could barely walk, and by the time I got home in the evening I felt a vague ache in my testicles.
I wanted to find a way to get away from my wife, she seemed to be in high spirits tonight, and I was shocked by my performance last night. I couldn’t look my wife in the eye, I was afraid to see passion in her eyes, and that same passion had been possessed by someone else. I was trying so hard to restrain my anger, trying so hard to control it, even though my body’s desire was like a volcano wanting to vent.
My wife sensed my desire and she struggled to want it. Though I wanted sex more than she did, I didn’t dare move, I knew today would be like yesterday. Desperation spreads, I wish the night would pass quickly, I want to scream and say don’t touch me.
I whispered to my wife to get some early rest, and when I looked right at her, the despair deepened.
After more than ten years as a couple, I knew I couldn’t hide it from her, she understood the look in my eyes. I saw a fear in my wife’s eyes, a fear as desperate as mine.
My wife’s back was turned to me and her shoulders began to shake; she was crying. A wave of love and compassion rose in my heart, and I wanted to reach out and embrace my beloved wife, but my shaking hands would not reach out. I hated myself so much, but what could I do? I hated everything, everything I didn’t know, I hated it so much.
My wife turned her back on me and calmly said, ‘What do you want to know?’
I said numbly: ‘I don’t know, I really don’t know, please don’t tell me.’
Then I started to break down, completely and totally, and I started to cry.
My wife turned to me with tears in her eyes and wrapped her arms around me, saying, ‘I love you.’
Burying my head in my wife’s arms, my aggression was like a dike with a missing mouth, and what came to my mind was the earth dog Xiaobai that I raised in my early childhood. It died in a car accident when I was in the sixth grade in my elementary school, and before that it accompanied me to and from school every day, rain or shine, for four whole years.
‘I want White, where is White?’ I cried out, I went back to the sadness of thirty years ago. I muttered: ‘Only Bai, only Bai.’ I kept crying and repeating.
My soul was out of my shell and I saw myself lying in Mom’s arms, crying and screaming in a childish voice. I didn’t sleep for almost a week after White died, he was my first friend. Why did all the ones who loved me and cared for me have to leave me? I thought of mom. I hugged my mom and cried loudly, “Why did you leave me too? It’s been almost ten years since Mom passed away.
‘I am, I’ll always be there for you.’ My wife’s voice brought me back to reality.
‘Why?’ I slowly calmed down. Getting up I broke away from my wife’s hands and walked to the balcony to light a cigarette. Suddenly in my heart I felt ridiculous, why would I smoke in the balcony? Does anyone here love me? Does anyone need my protection? Why don’t I have the freedom to smoke in the living room?
I remained on the balcony, a starless night, the darkness as lonely as I was.
‘It’s just a game, I can’t explain anything to you because even I don’t know what’s going on.’ Wife pushed open the balcony floor to ceiling window and said: ‘But, it’s all just a game, I swear. I wish I could apologize, all I can do is apologize.’
Seeing my wife in a thin robe, she was so thin and helpless in the night wind. But what kind of mind is wrapped up in that seemingly weak body? So that she could risk destroying her family and abandoning her children to do so?
Chapter 6: The Veil of Mist
How do you explain all this? I can’t. It’s all happening beyond my comprehension. To say that it was just an impulse, but does that make sense? Is my body really incapable of accepting any temptation? That any man can fuck me?
I’ve thought about these questions a thousand times, why am I doing this, I know the dangers that these things will lead to, but I do them anyway. In fact, the theme I’ve been thinking about is why I don’t feel any guilt. I should feel ashamed but, I don’t and it makes me feel like I’m a slut. And the thing is I don’t think I’m a slut, I love my home, I love my husband more than the sum of the world’s wealth put together, and I just can’t fathom my behavior.
I have never seen my husband cry, not even when my mother-in-law passed away he did not show a trace of sadness, this is the first time I have seen a man cry. My heart broke, this is the only one I love, and I ruined everything for him with my own hands, and I don’t even know how I did it.
I begged him to forgive me, I begged him not to leave me. My heart ached to the core, yet my mind was so clear and calm that I had to keep him by all means, even at the cost of my life.
‘You do it and hit me a! If it makes you feel better, I beg you to hit me.’
Shaking his head he lit up a cigarette, the way he looked at me was so cold, so cold to the core of my heart that I knew it was all over. He’s given up on me, he’s lost all passion for jealousy or anger.
‘You promised, darling, you promised.’ I was at my wits’ end, and I was close to bumming my way into keeping him. ‘You promised to love me and take care of me for the rest of my life, you promised.’
‘I can’t help loving you, alas! I just can’t stop loving you, I wish I could stop loving you, I wish I could hate you.’ A spark kindled in her husband’s eyes.
I was so tired, I sat down on my knees and said, ‘Okay, I’ll tell you what happened, honey, maybe you know me better than I do, and you can help me explain it all.’ I tried to be honest about every detail, it was my only chance.
At this point I realized that I couldn’t remember any details at all, not even the main process. All I could say were the memories of Liu and Wang in the letter, but these were the ones my husband had read, and I couldn’t use my last weapon of ‘honesty’ to seek understanding.
‘I’m not lying, I really can’t remember, I’ve forgotten everything.’ I began to cry and scream hysterically.
Chapter 7: Original Proof
I give up, my memory betrays me at this most important moment, I’m so tired, there’s nothing more I can do.
‘Honey, I apologize for everything that happened, I am truly sorry and I beg you to forgive me.’ I stood up and continued: ‘I’m the one who should leave this house, I can’t justify my behavior. But remember, I only love you.’
My heart is dead, heaven and earth can no longer hold me, I don’t know how to go, where to go!
‘Are you happy having sex with someone else?’ Hubby snapped.
‘Happy! Honestly happy.’ I feel like life has been drawn out of me.
‘Than with me?’
‘Hmm! Yes, it was happier than with you, I think! Actually, I don’t remember, I think it was happier than with you.’ I said in despair: ‘You know, they can bring me instant passion, I can only remember that I was very happy, but I can’t remember what it felt like, I can only remember that when I made love to someone else I could have an orgasm that I’ve never had before.’
‘Whoo!’
‘But you know what? The second I left the hotel, all orgasms immediately became a noun, not a verb or an adjective. I couldn’t describe or explain the feeling, as if it had nothing to do with me at all. All I know is that I was happy, but the pleasure didn’t leave the slightest mark on me.’ After a pause I continued: ‘It’s not like you, my dear, your body stays inside me forever, it never fades.’
‘You’ll go on with them?’
‘No, not even if I leave here, I don’t love them at all.’
‘And the others? I mean will the same events repeat themselves?’
‘I don’t know, honey don’t push me, I really don’t know.’
Unconscious confessions suddenly started to slowly clear everything up for me, it was the first time I was this close to my inner world after the affair. Things that were previously unclear are slowly clearing up.
The veil of fog slowly lifted and I began to cringe as I begged my husband to stop asking. I was becoming more and more afraid, not of being divorced anymore, but of how I was going to handle myself in the face of my ego. This is what I have been asking myself, but also what I have been avoiding.
I give up, give up everything, I light up another cigarette, I can’t remember if I ate dinner or not, cigarettes become my complete food.
My wife’s struggles seem a bit ridiculous to me, she can’t explain everything, it’s just an escape. I don’t want to retaliate, and I don’t have the sense to want to retaliate, I want it all to be over, I can’t live this self-tortured life anymore.
The strong feeling of vomiting, the stomach shrinking together, I hope this is caused by cigarettes and not by love. I think I should have gotten away from it all, that this discomfort should be a nicotine problem, I’m well aware of that, I hope I am.
One night ten years ago, when my wife was pregnant with my oldest, I will always remember that night.
At the beach in Danshui, my wife suddenly asked me if I loved her. Of course I did, because she was part of my life. She asked me to promise to take care of her, love her, and tolerate her for the rest of my life. During the pregnancy, her temper often fluctuated between highs and lows, and sometimes her behavior was so outrageous that it was unbearable.
It’s a vow, isn’t it? There have been many such vows, but nothing like that naked confession.
My stomach was getting sore, damn it, I couldn’t even run away from this. The question I’d given up on came back, why? Why did you do this? As long as you make it reasonable and promise me it won’t happen again honey, I can totally live with that.
Wasn’t it an accidental answer when my wife said she was so getting orgasms on other people, yes? Wouldn’t this match my fantasies exactly? Bleak hotel, passionate strangers entwined naked. Penetrating, screaming, sweating, embracing, kissing passionately, thick prick thrusting in and out of the female body, the woman taking it, nails jammed into the man’s back, tearing a trail of passionate blood. It was all in my imagination, but now it was concrete poking through.
Anger flared up, but my body was unconsciously aroused, so intensely aroused that I hated my body. Desire rose to every end of my nerves, and the image of my wife began to blur.
Lighting up a cigarette, I tried to calm myself down a bit, I probably needed a cold shower.
‘You’ll go on with them?’
‘No, not even if I leave here, I don’t love them at all.’ Wife’s expression was quite determined.
‘And the others? I mean will the same events repeat themselves?’
‘I don’t know, don’t push me darling, I really don’t know.’ Wife replied evasively, slowly turning around as the silence arrived again.
Why? Why can’t she promise that it will never happen again? She says she loves me, but she can’t promise she won’t betray me, and I can’t understand that, not at all.
My wife’s voice floated like a ghost, without the slightest emotion, as if it came from another world: ‘Let me talk, please don’t interrupt me, okay? I’ll leave when I’m finished.’
‘Hmm! you say. The child needs her mother more than me, and I think I should be the one to leave; I don’t mean to shirk my duty, it’s just that I think it would be simpler for me to go.’
‘Who goes is not the point, the loss is the point isn’t it?’ Wife paused: ‘My life hit a turning point at that time, before I had no chance to control others to submit to my sense of self, my life was shared. For example, you love me, I love you, this is from interaction, no one thought of controlling the other. My work, my family, my friends, everything was in this mode, I was willing to be present and happy.’
‘It’s normal ah?’ I was alerted to the fact that I was interrupting her thoughts immediately shutting up.
‘It was normal, until I took over as supervisor.’ My wife sighed: ‘Part of my job is to make people obey me, and when I can’t exercise my will, it’s called incompetence, and in fact I was in a very incompetent state. You know, nobody cared about me, my friends stayed away from me, they thought I was just a vase, I didn’t stand a chance, you know? No one really recognized my power.’
‘Ugh!’
‘That kind of relationship, that kind of relationship…’ Wife swallowed: ‘You know that kind of relationship makes me feel like I’m in charge of everything.’
‘Dominance?’
‘A kind of proof that I’m not as incompetent as others see me, a primal proof.’
‘I think I know, stop talking, I know.’ A pang of pain ran through my heart, and I treated it as a small thing, a child’s play, when my beloved suffered an overwhelming setback.
”No! Let me say, only to say clearly I can understand the truth of the matter, not you want the truth only, I also want, even more than you want to know.’ Wife’s voice with a kind of firmness: ‘When I agreed to go on the date I knew that there was a possibility that something would happen, you can explain that I was seducing them, and they were very obedient to take the bait. I was like a queen, they tried to please me, and I felt like my power was released. I managed to get a hold of their minds and bodies, and I loved to see their letters afterwards begging for another go at it.’
I began to feel some chills, and my wife’s willpower scared me.
‘I take pleasure in it, and I admit that that Liu was once categorized by me as… um… respect? Love? It’s a bit vague. But the way Liu made me feel afterward, he was nothing more than someone who had also succumbed to the force of my will, and I felt strength, I felt confidence.’
‘There are many different methods, and leadership is inherently learned…’
There was a kind of anger in my wife’s voice as she interrupted me: ‘You’re a man, and this kind of leadership ability is something you think you’re born with. Do you cook after work? Do you do the dishes? Do you wash and iron? At most, you play with your kids, but do you ever take care of their homework?’
I can’t answer that.
‘I read these letters every time I am frustrated and it gives me the strength to start again. There is no denying that I still suffer a lot in the company, and when I am in pain, I would love to have another affair. I admit again that it didn’t happen not because of perceptions, but because of lack of opportunity.’ Wife turned around: ‘That’s all there is to it, I have nothing more to say, I’m such a woman, I’m waiting for you to sign the divorce.’
This attitude enrages me and I grab her shoulders angrily, I stare at her and she looks at me without fear. This pisses me off even more, the anger makes my whole body shiver and the damn desire rises up again.
I ripped her nightgown and she stood proudly before me, a perfect body.
Chapter 8: Uncountable Love
Saying it all shocked me that I was harboring such a love affair in the back of my mind. But at the same time it made me feel much lighter, I have nothing to lose anymore don’t I? The heart of unknowing was unraveled, how much pride and conflict and more weariness was hidden inside.
I love my home, I love my man and at the same time I love my job. I am a ‘man’, so at the same time I am free and uninhibited. If I am bound, it is because I want to be, not because I am a woman.
I don’t think I did anything wrong, and while I apologize for my actions, it’s because I broke his heart, not for my actions per se.
I didn’t flinch when my husband tore my robe, so what? My body is mine, so what? The difference between making love and shaking hands? A handshake where I have to fall in love with the man who owns those hands? The same contact, so I should fall in love with a vibrator?
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, I had no fear and allowed my husband to push me down to the floor. I opened my legs of my own accord, come on! Humiliate me! Humiliate my pride with your pride, if that gives you pleasure.
I wasn’t surprised that he didn’t try to come in straight away without any caresses, in this case I don’t think there was any point in even caressing. A pain came from my lower body, it hurt, I didn’t move, I didn’t feel anything but pain. Darling, I owe you this, and I’m in the process of paying it back.
Because of my extreme dryness , he couldn’t get inside me and I could see his anxiety. He brought his prick up to my face and obediently I licked it wet, then finally it was inserted. It was much better than the pain I had just felt, but there was still a burning sensation.
‘Is that good?’ Hubby said in a hateful voice as he poked and prodded.
I looked at my husband’s bloodshot eyes: ‘It hurts, just like your heart’.
Husband disheveled pulled out and collapsed beside me with his hands covering his face, his lower body is still in pain, but his heart is more painful. I have never been so humiliated in my life, the word violence swept through my mind, yes is violence. I use a kind of violence to hurt the people I love, I love people now with violence back to me.
Husband embraced me and cried: ‘I’m sorry …. I’m sorry …. I will never do this again, you forgive me.’
I didn’t respond. Shouldn’t I be the one apologizing? What was happening now was just paying a debt, something I owed him, and maybe that alone wasn’t enough to pay it off. I got up and went back to my room and started to gather my clothes, the pain in my lower body assaulted me, it all made me want to throw up.
‘Don’t go, darling, I beg you ….’ Hubby clung to the door.
I collected my things in silence, mentally mulling over what I should take with me first that I desperately needed, and what I would take my time with later.
‘Are you going after those sons of bitches?’ Hubby suddenly became angry.
‘There won’t be a man.’ I laughed: ”There won’t be any more, I no longer need to rely on this. Do you think you can use your body to suppress women? Humiliate women with their gender? But I’ve seen how weak you all are. No need, I already know how to face the world, please do not worry.”
‘You don’t love me anymore?’
‘Love?’ My heart suddenly ached and I sat on the edge of the bed: ‘I let you humiliate me because I love you, didn’t I? Who else in the world can humiliate me? Who else but you?’
‘I’m sorry’ my husband said softly as he picked up his jacket and put it on my bare shoulders.
‘I’m the one who should apologize for hurting you for myself. I don’t regret what I did, but I do regret hurting you. If I could do it all over again, I’d ask your permission. But you inevitably wouldn’t agree, which is weird, heh!’
‘I love you, let it all go okay?’
Hubby lowered his head to kiss me, with a hint of salty taste in his mouth, I struggled up and said: ‘What’s wrong with you? What’s wrong with your mouth?
Hubby looked at me in disbelief and I saw that his whole bottom lip was busted. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! How did he hurt himself?
‘You’re hurt, your lower lip ….’ My strong heart began to melt, my composure began to disintegrate. He was such a little boy, so helpless, so vulnerable, only able to protect himself with his muscles and prick.
‘Remember? I promised, promised to protect you, love you, love you, and tolerate you for the rest of my life. But I didn’t promise not to rape you, I didn’t promise not to be jealous, and I didn’t promise you could leave me.’
I started to cry and I lay on top of my husband and cried as much as I could.
‘Want to leave? That simple? The two of us need to count all the property.’ Hubby caressed my hair and said: ‘This house still has nine years of loans, you have to give me alimony, child education, I remarried when the gift money, we need a period of time to count.’
‘I give you alimony?’
‘Darling, please don’t forget that men and women are equal in this day and age.’ My husband’s hand stroked the tips of my breasts: ‘I reckon it’ll take 70 or 80 years to figure all this out, and I’m thinking of the first rose I gave you, which was calculated according to inflation and compound interest, hmmm! We need to hire an accountant to be able to handle all this.’
‘And then the cost of hiring an accountant will cost us all our savings.’ I laughed and collapsed into my husband’s arms.
‘I will leave you, my dear, when I am gone.’ The husband said seriously: ‘I can’t promise that I won’t be jealous, I can’t promise that I’ll forget about it, but I can promise that I’ll love you for the rest of my life.’
Hubby’s head was wandering down my back and I loved the feeling.
‘You have to promise me one thing.’ Hubby said: ‘You have to take care of me, love me and tolerate me for the rest of your life.’
‘I will, dear I will.’
I don’t know how I fell asleep, but I knew in a haze that I no longer had to rely on this to prove anything, and I was sure of it. I had come full circle, and I didn’t regret what I had gone through. I knew that my husband would be watching me closely in the future and would keep questioning his partner like a jealous lion, and that was the price to pay. And isn’t he jealous because he loves me? Yes, I need his love so much.
(concluded)
*Thanks to the many users who responded, which is what keeps the author writing. It was supposed to be just a tease for fun, and after accidentally writing nine in four months, I can’t count the number of words, so I guess it’s time to write a program for mass production, heh!
Recently I’ve taken a break from writing because I’ve taken on a very important job, so maybe I’ll take a break from writing. But just maybe, maybe there is a good IDEAL that will be written, the bug of wanting to write something is always biting me.
Writing is an impulse, but I guess it’s more positive when there is interaction with your network!
I also hope that the webmaster can provide some topics for my reference, thanks!