Posted by: slave
(i) Reunion
One hot summer day, I suddenly grew up. Broke out of my little girl cocoon and morphed into a woman.
It was a bittersweet experience.
How did it begin? All because of someone who came into my world for no reason. And that person, coincidentally, was you.
I was unprepared for all the things I had to deal with, especially you. You had no right to come into my life the way you did. And you, again, were so hard to resist.
You, who once left me and my mother behind, disappear and should not come back to haunt me like an unbroken ghost.
Yes, you have a responsibility to me. I couldn’t let go of you. And you never denied that you needed me. You were attached to me and I loved and hated you.
At first the separation was painful. You told me that you and Mom could no longer get along, so you loaded your bags in the car and left. Mom said that you were a lover and had an affair. You said that you couldn’t get along with Mom without a divorce. You said, for this marriage, it was me, your daughter, who was most saddened.
Originally, you moved to K-Town, remarried, had kids. He had your life, I had my feelings. We could’ve said we didn’t care about each other. But the cards you often sent, birthday cards, Valentine’s Day cards, Christmas cards, postcards, all told me how much you missed me. I think, instead, we felt closer to each other after you left. You called me every week and talked for an hour or two each time. It was a long-distance call, but on the contrary, it brought us closer together. The phone allows us to talk about everything, to be as close to each other as we want to be. If we were to meet face to face, we might not be able to have such a smooth communication.
Mom wondered what we said on the phone. Nothing was said, the content of the conversation and the feelings we poured out to each other were no different than what people usually say, and I can’t remember exactly what we talked about.
After Mom got divorced, she took off and flirted, and there was no shortage of guys pursuing her. Maybe she felt the years were catching up with her, got serious about the guy, left him home for a couple nights, and he moved in.
I have no love for him because I have only one father in mind. Mom brought him back to usurp your position. I have no objection to her finding her own happiness, but his boyfriend and I are not destined to get along. I don’t like the way he looks at me lustfully, as if he wants to see through my body. Sometimes he’s even more furtive, trying to take advantage of me. Is this my home? It’s not the same as it used to be. I complained, but Mom defended him at every turn.
I’ve had enough! When I complained to you on the phone about my unpleasant encounters, you offered to visit you while summer vacation came.
This is the first time I’ve visited you since your divorce. You do have the right to see me and live with me one month a year.
I came with only simple luggage. The simple idea was to reunite with you in heaven, not thinking that so many things would happen that I couldn’t explain.
You, still the same, as tall as I remembered, quite tall, with deeper wrinkles on your forehead. Waiting for me at the highway station. I hesitated for a moment and threw myself into your embrace.
You take my face in your hands and kiss my forehead, my eyes.
“How could my daughter be so beautiful.” You murmur.
I smiled, your deliberate compliment was the best welcome I could have received. We look at each other’s faces, searching each other’s faces for the times we’ve all been through since we parted. It was obvious that you were not seeing the same yellow girl who had tugged at your feet when you left home and wouldn’t let you go. And there is more vicissitude on your face.
You took my chin in your hand and brought my face close to yours. You looked at me like no one had ever looked at me like that before.
Your mouth lightened my lips, to you hadn’t tried to kiss me like this before. You kissed your daughter on the mouth, your kiss was different. I’m sure you must have opened your lips, your tongue thrust into my mouth. Moist, forcing, exploring, then retreating. Because that kiss, like a bee, burned like fire, spreading over my face and all over my body.
The kiss made me lose my mind and my whole body stiffened.
You say, “You’ve grown taller than the last time I saw you.”
“Dad, you’re remembering wrong, I’ve stopped growing taller since I moved up to middle school.”
“So, you’re growing sideways, filling in all the places you should. In any case, you’re welcome to it. Tired?” You ask thoughtfully, taking the bags from me with one hand.
Being around you always makes me treated like a lady. That boyfriend of Mom’s, he sucks so bad, he mooches off me like I’m a whore.
After that, you said that Carole hadn’t been well enough to entertain guests lately, and that you were worried about whether we’d be able to get along, so you’d arranged for me to stay out for the time being. It was a bit sudden for me because I hadn’t said anything about such an arrangement on the phone.
Strange, and I breathed a sigh of relief. As far as I could remember, I’d only met with her once or twice, both times in extremely uncomfortable situations.
You dropped me off at an old apartment building. Inside, there was a smell of mold, smoke, and old carpet. The house was simply furnished.
You settled me down and left, leaving me to face the four walls. That night, I had a nightmare that I was on a Greyhound with no final destination, passing through town after town, eternally on the highway… In a completely unfamiliar environment, I didn’t dare to take a step away from the road, and waited every day for you to come.
You could only steal a moment to visit me at noon. In a hurry, you left a little money and daily necessities and left. The noon visit became a regular appointment for us. I waited for you to come every day, and you came regularly.
The summer sun was fierce, filtering through the cracks between the two buildings across the street and casting itself on the west-facing balcony. There was an odor evaporating upward from the back alley. The lazy summer vacation had just begun, and something new was expected to happen. Reality, it seems, is nothing like what I thought it would be.
My life is waiting for you to show up. But you’re always silent, staring at me with strange eyes. Sometimes, find an irrelevant topic to talk about. When I’m in the kitchen making lunch, you’ll stand behind me and ask me how I’m doing in school, how life is at home, if I have a boyfriend. This has all been said many times on the phone. I kind of regretted coming, and I finally couldn’t resist, bringing up a mystery hanging over me.
“Has Carol gotten better yet, and when will you take me back to meet her?”
“Alas, when the time comes, I will let you meet. Now I have a hard time, so I might as well tell you. Right now I don’t want her to know you’re here. If she knew, instead, she wouldn’t be able to be with you every day like this. She will be jealous.”
“Jealous of her husband’s daughter? I don’t get it.”
“She doesn’t like me to contact you guys.”
“Or maybe if I meet her, she’ll change her attitude?”
“Now is not the time. You’re a woman, or you’ll understand better than I do.”
“I just don’t get it. Or maybe she thinks I’m going to get in the way of your family life. I should get out of here fast.”
“I’m not trying to get you to leave me, and I’m arranging it this way so I can spend more time with you. I’m in a position that you wouldn’t understand.”
After that, you stayed longer and longer. Sometimes you would take me on picnics to parks on the outskirts of the city, sometimes to shopping centers outside the city to browse for company. You would buy me anything I wanted. One time, you took me out to dinner. I wore a short skirt with a smock, high heels, and a little powder to add a touch of maturity. You looked at me as if you didn’t recognize me.
“You look beautiful today!”
“Thank you.”
I gave you a kiss.
“I’m going to change my mind now, this lady friend of mine is so pretty I should take her to a decent enough restaurant.”
The words made me burn behind my ears.
This afternoon, you couldn’t stop staring at me as if you didn’t recognize me. I felt his gaze, like ants crawling over me. It traveled down my neck, my back, and then down to my feet.
You said, “I should date you more often. You are a beautiful companion in a beautiful dress. The ugly duckling has grown into a swan.”
You talk less formal, but your eyes, still confusing, deep, as if there are a million things in the heart, and I, always indulge in it.
Early one Sunday morning, when you’re usually with Carol and I’m about to leave for chapel, you came to me. All dressed up in your fishing outfit, lying to Carol that you were going fishing. You had told a lot of lies in order to come and see me, and it always made me feel in my heart that there was something wrong there.
I poured you a cup of coffee, but it was on your lips, not drinking it, and I was on all fours.
“Dad, something for me. Something to say to me?”
“No. I’m hung up on you. Just wanted to see you face to face.”
“We just met yesterday.”
“I want to meet you every day.”
“I’m going up to the chapel.”
“I know.”
“Will you go to church with me?”
“Not going, going to chapel would make me feel even more full of sin.”
“I’m here, and you’ve been unhappy. And you have to make so many excuses to come out and see me. Why bother? I’m the one who burdened you and got in the way of your family. I understand, you already have a family.”
“You’re making me even more upset by saying that. I don’t know how to make up for my loss to you, and it’s no use doing anything else.”
“Dad, I want to go home.”
“Zoe, is it me that makes you feel unhappy? Don’t go.”
“Not exactly. But you’ll be happier if I’m gone.”
“I’m even more unhappy with you gone. I’m unhappy for a bitter reason.”
“Dad, can you tell me?”
“I can’t tell anyone about my plight.”
“I’m old enough to tell what’s going on, and if you’re not happy, I won’t be happy either!”
“Don’t force me to say it, I’ve had a secret deep in my heart for a long, long time.”
“Know tell me, if you love me.”
“I’m in love with someone I can’t love.”
“Who is she?”
“I can’t say.”
“Say it.”
“All I can say is that I’m in love with a girl who shouldn’t be in love with her! Lust haunts me all day long, and I have to suffer from guilt.”
“How long have you known?”
“It’s been a long time.”
“Can you leave her?”
“Can’t.”
“What about Carol? Do you still love her?”
“We’re not in love at all. It’s just a convenience for us to be together.”
“If it were me, I’d do whatever it takes to pursue my love.”
“But if that’s something the world won’t tolerate…”
“Whatever…”
“But if…”
I’m stuck in your mesmerizing eyes again. There’s something about the way you look, and I mean something incredible is happening to you.
“Dad, tell me, who are you in love with?”
You didn’t say anything and kept gazing at me.
(ii) Elopement
“God! I’m in love with you. Originally, I lost you, and now that you’re by my side, I don’t want to lose you again.” You say, filled with resentment.
It dawned on me that the fatherly love and happiness I had always thought I enjoyed turned out to be false. I couldn’t believe that my father, whom I respected and trusted, had ulterior motives for me. Your love for me was no longer pure, heavenly love. My innocence was taken away from me by you. How can I accept that you are no different from Mom’s concubine, and that you have such dirty thoughts about me behind my back?
“It won’t. It can’t be, how could you love your own daughter.” I was at a loss for words, “Wow.”
The cried out.
“Zoe, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said those words to you, and I knew that you wouldn’t be able to stand it if I let you know that your father was in love with you. What father would say those things to his daughter? I’m sorry that every time I try to love, I hurt people, especially you.” You bury your head in both hands and can’t stop shaking your head and sighing.
“You go away, I don’t want to see you.”
You try to comfort me, but I cry louder and louder, covering my ears and not listening to your explanations. You were at a loss for words, like a schoolboy in love for the first time. Finally, you left helplessly, and before you left, you said, “Zu’er, I know it’s hard to accept for a while, but I’m sincere. Please forgive me for my recklessness, the facts will prove that my love for you is sincere.”
“Don’t say it, I don’t want to hear it, and I never want to see you again.”
With tears in my eyes, I packed my bags and summoned a streetcar to the Greyhound station to catch the next bus home. All I could think of was to get out of here as soon as possible, to get away from you, and to get away from this occasion that was so embarrassing to me.
In the car, mind in turmoil, watching the scenery out the window go backwards. In a daze, dozing off, having that dream again, riding in a Greyhound with no final destination, hurtling through the darkness.
When I got home, Mom had already kicked the guy out. She thought I would be happy to see me on the other side of the wooden, confused, bloodshot eyes. She asked me what happened, but I didn’t answer her, and I locked myself in my room all day.
School was in session, and the mood was not yet cleaned up. My classmates and I left the group, they were excited about how they spent their summer vacation, I was silent. I was often late for class, and my mind wandered. My classmates speculated that I was in love.
Love is as beautiful as a rose, but it has a sting.
One day while going to school, I toweled the mailman in front of the house. He often delivered cards from my father, and I used to wait for him every day. When I saw him, I would ask him if he had any mail today. Yes, you sent your letter. Hand trembling folded open, densely packed words, each word is like an arrow, shot through my heart.
-JOE.
I regret letting you come to my place. If you hadn’t come, there would have been no chance for any of this to happen. I am ashamed of the desire for you that is burning me. I’ve often felt guilty for my love for you, which transcends ethics. But it is really possible to stop hiding my love for you behind the mask of a father. I have shocked you by shattering the image of a father in your mind. But forgive me, and I hope you will accept my love. In any case, all the pain that has been inflicted on you is my doing, and I am responsible for my mistakes.
I originally knew it was more than you could bear. It’s fine for me to suffer alone. Now I’ve dragged you into this whirlpool. After revealing my love, I’m bound to hurt your pure heart. But I must confess my heart to this pure and noble heart.
I am constantly in this conflict, as if I were in a labyrinth, going round and round, unable to find the way out. I’m sorry, things have come to a point where there is no room for maneuvering.
I couldn’t stop accusing myself for not being able to behave myself. But, instead, I now have a great liberation of heart. I don’t need to hide my heart anymore, and there is no longer any harm in begging you for love. It is as if I have been reborn.
The reunion with you brought me the greatest joy of my life. I suddenly realized that the love I had been searching for was found in you. I asked myself, “If I could have your love, I would be willing to lose everything.
I looked for opportunities to be around you a lot, but was limited by circumstances and had to sneak around to meet you. In the evenings when I got off work, I would always drive around to where you lived and stay downstairs for a while. I could only stop for a moment, so I didn’t go up to you. I would be there imagining what you were doing. One time, when I went up to see you, you weren’t home. When I left, I saw you walking down the street with a boy, and I got jealous of him.
Now, you’ve discovered the secret of my heart. I am really conflicted! I’d rather keep this secret in my heart for the rest of my life because I don’t want you to disappear from there. You left, the building was empty, I went back to look for you and cried bitterly there. After that, I missed you all the time and saw your face as soon as I closed my eyes. I couldn’t hear your laughter, couldn’t see your beautiful figure, my life was like in hell.
Have you ever been in love? Do you know what I’ve endured thinking about you? I cannot live without you. I know that it would be unthinkable for you to accept my love for you. Now that my heart has been expressed, no matter what the result is, it is better than keeping this love in silence and bringing it down to the Yellow Springs. It is right that you should reject me. I have no regrets in death, because I have to my life’s favorite woman, that is, you, personally to my long-time admiration of the woman said: I love you, is my life said the most courageous, the most beautiful speech.
I love you, and I may lose you forever for that reason. I’m in love with my own daughter, and to be about to lose her because I’m in love with her is absurd.
I can no longer claim to be a father. Because I wish to be your lover, although, I failed to determine whether you can break through the psychological barrier and accept my ridiculous dad as your lover. But I would like you to think of me in the future, I am the one who loves you and misses you in your heart Jai But my heart is like a lead balloon, down to the bottomless abyss, a recklessness. I asked God why these things are happening to me? Tears came to my eyes and blurred my vision. I took off on a wild goose chase, ran to the lake in the park and cried to the mallards. I preferred to believe that you used me purely as a tool for lust, and I knew how to react. I returned the favor with a lifetime of hatred. I will not want to see your face again.
-But if, however, the words of the letter are sincere, I am at a loss.
I had a feeling he’d come for me.
That night, at the end of the night, sleep was unsteady and I felt that you had come. I peeked out from the gap in the curtains, and sure enough, there was your figure, leaning against a lamp post and smoking. The light from the street lamp hit your face, full of gills and despondent.
My heart rambles again, pounding and pounding, each one being you knocking on the door outside my heart.
Pulling the curtains closed, breathless. It’s as if you’re maneuvering me with a telecontroller, pulling my feet out the door.
Standing frozen under the lamppost, it was really you.
I hung my head, afraid to look at you.
You look at me with joy shining in your eyes. Cupping my face in your hands and lifting it upwards, the dim light from the street lamps casts itself on my face. You gently kiss my eyes, my brow. I feel your fingers dig into the hair at the back of my neck. My eyelids feel your burning breath, my face on fire from your touch.
“Dad, what are you doing here?”
“To see you. Even if I can’t see your face, I’ll be satisfied if you draw a little closer.”
“What do you want?”
“Did you get my letter?”
“Received today.”
“I want you to give me a chance.”
“I hate you, go away!”
“Listen to me. All I ask is that you give me a chance. Before you sentence me to death, please consider my plight, just one chance, okay? I’ll be waiting for you at the gas station at the intersection at seven o’clock tomorrow morning. I hope you come and follow me.”
“Go away, I won’t go. You’re dead in the water.”
Turned my head and headed straight home before I lost all control.
I ran back into the house disoriented, not daring to look out the window again. You soul seducer, as soon as I saw your shadow, my soul was taken by you.
At some point, Mom came into my room, and when I saw her, I was startled as if I had done something wrong.
“Zoe, look at you, lost in thought. You are seventeen years old, I treat you like an adult, there are many things I can’t control you anymore. After you came back, you seem to have changed into another person, did something happen, tell mom okay?”
“Nothing.”
“Once upon a time you would talk to me about anything that was on your mind, now that you’re grown up and no longer a child, don’t teach mom to worry.”
“It’s really okay.”
“Don’t lie to me. The man you went out to see just now, was it him?”
“You saw it?”
“Saw. Everything’s been off since you’ve been back, and I’ve been watching your moves.”
“What’s wrong?” I fought back tears.
“I feel that between you, is it…”
“Nothing happened.”
“You can’t hide it from me. I’ve been here before, and I know exactly what your father is like. I’ve read all the cards he’s written to you.”
“Mom, you peeked at my letters! We’re nothing.”
“There’s no normalcy between you.”
“Mom, what did you say?”
“Did you and him, in K-Town, do that?”
“What that?”
“Sexual relations? Have you ever slept with your father?”
“Mom, it’s pure between us. Why are you having these dirty thoughts?”
“Your father is not normal, you hypnotized him.”
“No, no. Why don’t you believe me? I know very well what I’ve done myself.”
“Zu’er, it’s not that I don’t believe you. Rather, your behavior is too out of character. He’s back, why is he wandering around outside and not coming in to find you? If I don’t care about you as a mom, who else cares about you?”
“Don’t guess. None of it. Don’t want to talk to you anymore, get out. Leave me alone, will you?”
Mom was so out of touch with me, and the more she talked, the more she pushed me over to Dad’s side. My head was about to explode and I went berserk, kicking mom out of the bedroom.
I am alone, in deep thought. Looking out the window again, I am relieved that you are not there, but there is a sense of loss.
Close your eyes and your shadow comes back to mind.
I fantasized about taking Carol’s place. I thought that if Carol could do it, I could do it. But when you said you wanted to be a couple with me, I was terrified.
In our dreams, we were lovers. Somehow, we have come together. I have accepted your love and you surround me with kisses and caresses. I leaned against your chest, our heartbeats and breaths in harmony.
Suddenly, Garou and her child appeared before us, the child was crying and Garou cursed at me.
She said to me, “Why did you take my husband?”
The boy said, “I want my daddy, give me my daddy back.”
I cried. Because she had taken my dad away from me. I hated her as much as she hates me now.
It’s just a bad dream. Luckily, dreams wake up, they’re all make-believe, and when they do, it’s all over. But it wasn’t a dream, how real he was.
If Mom knew about us, she’d be furious.
It’s almost dawn. If you’re not at the window, where will you be? You’re thinly dressed. You’ll catch cold.
The bedside alarm clock clattered on and on, letting the minutes slip by as the appointed time passed.
There is a terrible ability to manipulate me remotely, driving me to get up, freshen up, and get out the door.
The morning air was especially crisp as I woke up from one dream to another. It was Sunday and traffic was sparse.
It was as if I was obsessed, and I couldn’t help but move forward toward the promised land.
You’re still waiting there, looking anxious, like a smitten man, for me.
When you saw me, you shone with tears of joy and said, “Joey, I had a feeling that you would come as promised.”
“You’ve been back for a couple days, haven’t you?”
“I tracked you back.”
“Is it you who has been guarding the door the last few nights?”
“It’s me who wants to see your face. If I can’t see your face, it’s good to see your shadow. You leave the light on all night, you must be up.”
“I couldn’t sleep and was thinking, should I come and see you.”
“Even if you don’t come, I’ll wait for you, until you do. Because I need you. Missing you day and night since you left me, not being able to sleep or work, almost going crazy.”
Eyes with tears that don’t lie. You said to me that you love me. From my father’s mouth, the tone was so firm, what courage it took to say it.
“I’m scared.”
“Zoe, don’t be afraid. Accept my love!”
“I don’t believe it’s true.”
“Zoe, believe me, it’s true, how do you want me to prove it to you?” You grabbed me by the arm, and your lost colorful eyes, full of sincerity and commitment, shot straight through my soul like a searchlight.
No one has ever spoken to me like this, deep eyes, magnetic tones. My mind swirls, my knees go numb, and I can’t help but fall into your arms.
“Zoe, I want to kiss you, is that okay?”
When you held my face and tried to kiss me, I immediately broke away from you and said, “Don’t do that, people will see you.”
“So, get in the car and follow me!”
“Where to?”
“Any land or not, go where no one knows us.”
“I’m not prepared.”
“It doesn’t matter, you don’t have to bring anything, you can get it on the way.”
“I have to tell mom first, she doesn’t know I’m out.”
“Does she know about us?”
“Don’t dare tell her, but she suspects us.”
“Just don’t tell her, she won’t understand. You can call on the way and tell her you’ve decided to go to K-Town.”
We were sealed inside the car, a wordless world of two. The anxious expression on your face fades as the car hits the expressway. Outside are endless fields and straight highways. You held the steering wheel with one hand, and grabbed my hand or my knee with the other, as if you were afraid that if you let go, I would suddenly disappear.
Letting you hold my hand, ever since you told me that you love me, it’s like you’ve become another person, a complete stranger. The feeling of you holding my hand is also strange, causing my breathing and heart to beat in disarray.
“Dad, tell me about your past, tell me what I don’t know.”
“What do you want to know, child?”
“The history of your love. Start with your first love.”
“It’s a long story. Ever heard of the ridiculous swordsman Don Juan? I was a Don Juan, chasing after ideal love. I’ve had many girlfriends and two unhappy marriages… Now, as I can tell you, Don Juan’s travels will come to an end. My history of love will come to a sensational conclusion when I find you.”
You’re talking, talking. I was at a loss as to my future. My eyelids drooped heavily and my head felt a little dizzy, so I closed my eyes and rested against the back of the chair for a while, falling into a daze.
I’m tired of holding your hand and dozing off.
(iii) Both phases naked
We came to a small town with one street and one hotel.
You asked for a room, and double bed, and you gave the mattress a pat and said, enough for the two of us.
We’ll spend the night here, you and I, with only one bed.
You bought a glass of wine and sandwiches to eat in your room, we hadn’t eaten anything all day and now we were both hungry. I ate slowly, and when you finished, you grabbed my hand and looked at me, not wanting to part with me for a moment.
I keep my head down, not daring to look at you, and out of the corner of my eye I can see that you seem to want to speak, but the words are on your lips and then swallowed back into your stomach.
After dinner, I’ll take a hot bath. I close my eyes and soak in the steaming water, and a chill comes over me. I realize that this is a lonely situation: no longer an innocent father and daughter, going on a trip together, but, as it were, a couple of obsessed men and women, cheating on each other. You’re a married man, and I’m your daughter, and you’re turning me into your lover.
Going with you before I could figure out what was going on, that is, I put myself on the edge of danger to test your and my own resolve.
I hope it’s just a dream and I wake up tomorrow and nothing has happened. I can’t lock myself in the bathroom all night, I have to work up the courage to get out and face you. I wrapped myself in a towel and stepped out of the steam that was like a mist.
You sat on the edge of the bed, waiting for me, and when you saw me come out, you stood up. I went around to the other side of the bed and sat down at the dressing table, and you came over and stood behind me.
“Let me dry your hair.”
“Your hair is as dark and silky as your mom’s.”
“Yes?”
“They say that first love is the most beautiful, but sometimes the most painful. You look just like she did back then, when I I was in hot love with her.”
“I say, you were once deeply in love, and if you weren’t you wouldn’t have gotten married.”
“It was young love, a love pursued too superficially. I didn’t know what I needed.”
You look at me in the mirror, I look at you in the mirror. My hair was drained of its moisture and spread over my shoulders. You put your hands on your bare shoulders and I turned to look up at him and said, “I’m scared. I followed you here, not knowing what would happen.”
“I’m not going to hurt you.”
“I think it happened so fast, there was no time to digest it. There are so many things I don’t understand and want to figure out.”
“Love is like that, it doesn’t make sense. I’m so happy that you’re finally willing to face me, and you’ll realize how strong my love for you is. Zoe, this is about you and my happiness for the rest of our lives. It’s in your hands now, please accept me and let me love you.”
“But you’re my dad, how can I have a relationship with you?” I said.
“It’s between the two of us, and I recognize that it’s not something the average person would dare to do, and as long as we’re both happy, there’s nothing wrong with that. I believe we are the only two people in the world where fathers and daughters love each other. There are stories in Greek mythology of fathers and daughters loving each other all beautiful, and in the Bible there are daughters marrying their fathers, so let’s seize the day and each other.
Ah! If I lose you, I’ll have nothing.”
“Actually, I’m nothing special. I never thought that you would take me as a lover.”
“Zoe, you’re special. Of all the girls in the world, you are the special one, made especially for me, and ever since you caught my eye, I have fallen in love with you uncontrollably. Your youthful vigor rekindles my fighting spirit, you attract me and teach me to crave for you. My love for you was like a wild current that swept me into your life, so I decided not to let my life wither away. Never before have I been so enamored with a woman, I was addicted to seeing you more. You rekindled my love and made me sure of love again, all because of you.”
“But it doesn’t have to be this kind of love, isn’t affection also love? I could move into your house, live with you, be with you every day, wouldn’t it be the same? Is it okay not to talk about that?”
“Can I not think of you in a way that people think is wrong? No, because I’m a man! I can’t resist the charms you exude. That day, when I saw you with that boy, I thought of him as a rival and was jealous of him. I can’t bear the thought that one day you will be in someone else’s arms.”
“Mom is suspicious of me, what if she finds out? What will you tell her?”
“We can’t let her know because she won’t be able to handle it. I’m going to find a way to cope with her, we can emigrate to a foreign country, to a country where no one knows us, where no one will stop us from falling in love.
I’ve heard that there in Mexico, if you pay, a marriage license is issued. If we don’t get married, we can live together, we have the same last name, and say to people that we are husband and wife, and no one will suspect us.”
Speaking of which, your voice sinks in tone. A cozy family picture comes alive before my eyes. We have been married ever since, had children and lived happily ever after. Can you promise me this stable family life?
We were both silent. You took me in your arms, ruffled my long hair, and gently kissed my ear on the side of my neck.
“Hair’s dry, we got out early today, we’re all tired, go to bed. We have all day tomorrow to talk.”
You took my hand, led me to the bed, sat me down, stroked my face, the nape of my neck. In silence, we faced each other, exchanging unfinished words with our eyes. His nostrils were in my ear, and his lustful lips gradually forced their way over.
I dodged you and burrowed under the covers.
“I’m going to sleep first.” I said.
You did not continue into the forced, took a sip of red wine, raised the glass, asked me if I want to try a sip, I shook my head, you took a sip of the whole thing, and then a burst of the fragrance of red wine came over. Cold unawares you will embrace me, deep kiss on my lips. The fragrance of wine in your mouth, between my teeth and cheeks aftertaste aftertaste, you kissed me I am confused.
You uncovered the leather sheet and got under my covers, huddling beside me, our bodies close, skin to skin.
You pinched the tips of my nipples and fondled my breasts. When you were about to remove the towel from my body, I pushed you away and said, “Don’t do that.”
“Zoe, are you going to sleep wrapped in a towel?”
I was mortified and didn’t know how to answer.
“What do you want? I’ve never given a kiss like that before.”
“Zoe, I’ve kissed a lot of girls, but none of them have been as hot as this. If it was the fires of hell, it would have jumped in.”
“I don’t want to do something I’ll regret. Give me some time to think it over and accept you. I can’t take you as my… my lover… right away.”
“Zoe, I understand. Today was just the beginning, right?”
“Yes, hopefully this is a good start.”
“Tonight, when you sleep beside me, I’ll feel like the happiest man alive.”
“Sorry to spoil your fun.”
“I’m the one who should be apologizing.”
“Thank you.”
“Thank me for what?”
“Thank you for telling me that you love me.”
It was as if I owed you something, or, in a gesture of gratitude for your thoughtfulness, initiated a kiss. It was a long kiss, and your kiss did not ask for anything, only gave. You kissed me until you felt that I had given enough love, enough kisses, only to let go.
“I should be thanking you for giving me the chance to love you.”
“Good night, Daddy.” It’s been a long time since I’ve said good night to you. I turned around, unraveled the large bath towel from my body within the sheets, dropped it to the floor, and slept with my back to you.
We slept in the word north. I guess it’s the perfect position to share a bed with you!
We were both practically naked, sleeping intimately in the same bed, and someone who broke in at this time and saw us like this would have imagined the bad side of things. However, we really stopped short of being a father and daughter, except that we slept together with no clothes on.
The more I messed up, the more my mind swirled with the questions he put on me, what is love?
Are we in love? I have never been in love, and what I know about love comes from romance novels written for teenage girls.
It seems that I have followed you, kissing you like a lover, naked. Keep going, there’s no turning back.
Frankly speaking, if I were to find a husband, I’d find one who’s like a father. That’s the earliest criterion for a girl’s courtship. Further down the line, a more intimate physical relationship with you is unavoidable. It’s said in novels and movies that when a girl falls in love with a man, she’ll… she’ll have sex.
I don’t dare think about it anymore. It’s too humiliating.
When a man tells a girl that he loves her, he always thinks that he is getting her body. But I believe that love is more than just having sex, and if I’m going to have sex with a guy, I must be clear that he really loves me.
With you, it’s the same. You say you love me, that you’re my father, and I believe you. But let me be clear, is it me or my body you love. Tonight you could have a hard-on and take possession of my flesh, and I would have given in.
Obviously, you are not doing this to fulfill a momentary desire, but you desire to love me sincerely. I do not feel terrible now that I am sleeping naked with you, but rather I feel safe. You have not forced me to wait until I willingly give you my body, even though my body is of your blood and was given to me by you.
“Jay, is that an appropriate title? My heart’s beating like a mess when I call your name. My heart has opened up to you. Do you know that? I’m only going to hold on to a little bit of a daughter’s dickey, I guess.” You will hear the words of my heart, if lovers are all spiritual.
You fell asleep and I turned around and pressed my body against your back, the feeling was intense, you were the first man to caress my body. A moment ago, you used your hands to feel my body, now, I want to feel you. You were asleep, but there was still an erection there, so strong that I was so shy that I immediately retracted my hand. That’s where I got my life. They say that’s where a woman’s pleasure comes from.
You’re asleep, but that thing still won’t rest. Are you dreaming? Is the dreamer me? I really want to enter your dream and see what’s going on. I was on your shoulders, my breasts were pressed against your back, my belly was pressed against your buttocks, my thighs were in the hollows of his legs, and my body was arched in the same sleeping position as yours… (4) Commitment
I was up before dawn and you were in the bathroom shower.
No clothes with you, open your suitcase, pull out a shirt and drape it over you, go out to the counter and pour a cup of coffee.
The owner smiled and said to me, “Good morning, Mrs. Chung.”
I blushed over it and laughed. My last name is Zhong, it’s your last name and it’s my last name. When we come together, I will be upgraded from being a daughter to being a Mrs., my father’s wife.
I wore this shirt of yours, got in the car, and sped off down the endless highway again.
We are sealed in the two of us in the compartment, your hand is clutching mine again, and I’m kind of convinced that I’m in love. A kiss last night, made into a silent agreement, and we go from there, to love and be loved.
Sometimes you turn your head to kiss me, and as you do, the car wobbles and corrects the steering wheel, and we kiss again until our lips are numb.
I lowered the backrest of my chair and leaned back, closing my eyes and listening to the music and news reports on the radio. The skylight was open a crack and the head wind whipped up my face, lifting my long hair. The hand on my thigh began to get restless, rubbing against me.
You suddenly pull over and the rising sun hits my cheeks unobstructed, I put my hand on my forehead and make a pouf to block the harsh sunlight.
I look at you, wondering why you’re stopping just as you’re getting started. Without making a sound, putting an arm quietly up around my shoulder, a subtle gravitational pull drives me slowly towards your shoulder.
The hand that was on my arm, kept squeezing, and the other hand traveled downward, rubbing the belly of my leg, and then moved downward, rubbing the wrist of my leg.
You calmly and very confidently unbuttoned a few buttons on the top of my shirt, and a cool air drilled into my arms. I looked up and saw in the rearview mirror that one of my breasts, like a first-ripe peach, had suddenly popped out, a young breast Full of juice, fresh and crunchy, rich in elasticity. It bucked a few times in the sunlight and your hand gently toweled that breast.
I hastily covered up my bodice, as if I was worried that someone in a passing car might peek in, and then buttoned my shirt all the way up, and lifted the collar up to cover my cleavage.
You shifted your position, that hand of yours moving down, probing between your legs to move around, and I clamped down hard on your hand.
You pinch my leg sockets, fighting for every inch of territory. Regretting not holding my ground, letting you arouse my primal desires.
I arched my belly, demanding deeper touch, and gave way to a large wet patch. Snapping out of my daydream in a flash, guilty of my own arousal, I grabbed the wanton hand and pulled it out. Folding her legs, she clamped the hot hand between her legs to keep it from moving.
You keep your breathing on an even keel, not at all the blind impulses and out-of-control affections of a young boy, but you can’t restrain your thirst for my body.
“Dad, not on the side of the road.” I scolded myself for being out of line.
Not too fast, like a slutty girl. I haven’t figured out if this counts as a relationship yet, and even if it does, I want it to be romantic.
I point to the signpost and there’s a famous lakeside state park a couple dozen miles away.
“We’ll have a picnic at that spot.” You button up my shirt for me and hit the road again.
It’s a picturesque lake called Witch Doctor Lake, the site of a former Indian tribe.
You hold my hand and walk on the soft sand.
At the lake, we saw a monument, recorded a story about the legend: autumn is getting stronger, the thin shirt can not resist the breeze across the lake. I snuggled in your arms, thinking that this could be the happiness I seek.
You sat down against an old tree, I lay on your lap, the sunlight through the yellow leaves of the roof, scattered down. Your deep eyes, like the bottom of a lake, hid a lot of things I wanted to know.
When I was still starting out at this end of my life, you disappeared after only a short journey with me. Suddenly you are with me again, telling me that you will be my companion and love me all the days of your life and walk with you for the rest of your journey.
I have become intoxicated with these poetic words of love from you, nestled in your arms, enjoying the sweet words. You caress my face and kiss away the question mark on my lips with a kiss.
“Jay, can I call you that? Do you like it when I call you that?” With infinite shyness, calling you by your name, a name that makes my soul throb.
“Zuul, that’s for the best.”
“Because calling you Dad is too heavy. Besides, I’m afraid people will get suspicious of us if they hear me calling you daddy.”
“You’re so young and so worldly.”
“I said to myself that I would be less embarrassed if I fell in love with a man named Jay and kissed him.”
“I’m better off because I really don’t deserve your being a dad. Didn’t do my duty as a dad. Now that you’re old enough to not need a dad, let’s love each other in a different way and I hope to give you back your joy and happiness.”
“That’s not what I meant. I need my father, and in my mind you always have been, and in the future, no matter what you think of me as your, or even, as if you said, to keep me from marrying someone else and being there for you, you’ll always be my father.”
“Let Daddy keep his little girl with him and live together forever.”
You were in the nape of my neck behind my ear, kissing and talking about how you needed me, wanted me, loved me. We lay in the grass, cuddled together. The words of love were flowing. Your hand never seemed to cross the barrier of my panties, only caressing through them, and before you even looked at them, you could be sure that that was the most beautiful, sweetest place in the world.
“Zoe, any man who could get into this place of yours, I would be both envious and jealous of him. I’d pay anything to exchange my identity, or that right, with him.”
“Jay, that place, I’ll leave it to the people I love.”
“Zoe, I hope I’m the lucky one.”
“Jay, don’t laugh at my naivety. I want to ask a question, do two people who love each other have to be that?”
“When you love, you don’t ask that question.”
“You’re talking too metaphysically. I don’t understand.”
“No, you understand.”
I do not realize that time passes, the sun from the top of the tree has landed on the lake, the lake is flooded with golden light, the flagon is getting late, coolness comes.
I melted in your embrace. A line of geese skimming the evening sky, the last remnants of the setting sun converging on the horizon, we blend into the romantic beauty, kissing you deeply and again. Hand in hand, we stepped on the long reflection of the slanting sun and went back along the path of the field.
At this moment, the person holding my hand is my dearest and most beloved. The taste of that love is fresh and exciting, sweet and bitter, intoxicating me and making me lose my mind.
We found the hotel before sunset. We traveled a few more miles on the highway to a market town. Just in time to buy replacement clothes for me before the stores closed, we also found an idyllic Bed & Breakfast built on a farm. There were three rooms in the whole house, all empty, each designed according to a theme. The owner, Mr. Mok, let us see them one by one.
Jay let me choose and I asked for the Colonial themed suite. Jay asked if there were any good restaurants in town.
He said it was a small town with only one very ordinary restaurant, but he could whip up a couple of specialty dishes for us. Someone had booked a room and made a dinner reservation and couldn’t make it at the moment, so the ingredients had already been prepared and they had a supply of near-specialty table wine. We didn’t want to go out either, so we asked our host, Mr. Mo, to show off his cooking skills.
After we had settled into our room a bit, dinner was ready. Mr. Mo lit the fireplace for us, Jay tried the wine, and Mrs. Mo served the delicious steaks. They made us coffee and then added wood to the fireplace, telling us that we might want to eat one of their secret chocolates after the meal, as lovers eat them to enhance their love. They smiled at us and left us to enjoy our candlelight dinner for two.
Outside the window, there is a silent field, and in the clear moonlight, a grass is arranged on the withered grassland.
Occasionally came only a few bursts of coyote howl. Love words, we said enough, at the moment four eyes, the heart of the secret understanding, the love of each other. You are no longer the old days full of heart, anxious. Mellow red wine, brewing a chemical effect.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
You ruffle my hair in front of me, which is hanging down in front of my forehead. You don’t answer, you still look at me.
“I want to get a good look at you.”
“What’s there to see?”
“My daughter, the more you look, the more beautiful you become. Because of my handsome father.”
I don’t answer, playing with the ceramic tea set on the table. The furnishings and utensils of this hotel are all unique. The elegant style of the tea set is not a common product, or the work of a famous artist.
We held hands and walked up a staircase made of tree trunks to our room. And after bathing ourselves, we sit on the edge of the bed. Next to you. You wrap your arms around me again and don’t miss this chance to hug me and kiss me.
You pulled down my robe and touched my bare shoulders, gently, not in an out-of-control way. Your bathrobe is not tied with a belt, and at first glance I can see your male desires. After sleeping naked together under the sheet last night, I seem to have overcome my fear and shyness of your naked body, but I haven’t yet had the courage to look at you squarely. You took me by the waist with one hand, let me lean against your chest, and folded your long and slender legs to sit between your legs. You caressed my full, taut breasts, and your kisses made the tips of my nipples harden. You don’t hide your desire from me, you want me to know that I’m the one who made him erect. I sit on your lap and your arousal presses against the robe, making my ass rub against it.
“Keep teasing me like that and I won’t be able to stand it.”
“Zoe, every day I think about what it would be like to make love to you emotionally. For I don’t know how many nights, I imagined that making love to you was just a virtual fantasy. Now, becoming a reality, being able to touch you and kiss you is more beautiful and mesmerizing to me than I ever imagined.”
“It’s probably not real, it’s a dream now. Ever heard a story? It says that there was a man who dreamed and did a lot of things, lived his whole life, and woke up and it turned out to be just a dream.”
“Your nipples are hard, my words are hard, we’re both real, flesh and blood.” You wrapped your arms around me again: “If it’s a dream, I don’t want to wake up.”
We felt each other, held each other. With nothing on underneath my robe, I felt as naked as I was in front of you. I couldn’t get over the embarrassment of being naked with you, and you tried to act as natural as possible, but I felt the strong beating of your heart, just like mine.
The thought that our bodies would be intimately joined taught me to shiver. You gave me this body, and you want me to give it to you. Instead of tricking me with fatherly authority or violence, you want me to treat you as a suitor, to marry you willingly and stay with you for the rest of my life.
I tried to stop calling you Dad. But when I close my eyes and kiss you mouth to mouth, thinking of you as another person, the image that surfaces is still that of a daddy, someone I’m not supposed to love. I’m always ashamed that we’re doing all this intimate caressing and body exploration like lovers.
This is the second night that my desire to be held has stopped me from keeping away from you, and neither of us feels the need to put on an ounce of clothing. That thing in your crotch, like a hand, seeks a landing between my two strands. My legs couldn’t hold it in, and my center door was wide open. But you didn’t trick it, you were willing to wait, you didn’t want your little girl to do something she would regret.
We came close to making love, just a little. Our love for each other was evident in the flow of our blood, so fast, so thick, so fishy. I fell into the web of your love.
(v) First night
To catch up, you pull me up from your body heat and drive to T-town, your destination. A five-hour drive. Another endless expanse of grassland, rapidly receding backward, skimming over town after town until the horizon rises with skyscrapers.
In the restroom of the hotel room, I heard you call Carol and check in with her, making up a story for her. She didn’t know that her husband was beside me in the same wine room where the mouth that spoke kind words to her had just kissed me passionately. Your speech was raw and contrived, and I was not expecting to be in a victor’s mood; her husband was already mine.
I stayed a while, pulled the water to flush the toilet, waited a little longer, pushed out as if nothing had happened, and gave you time to hang up the phone.
You’re going to a merchandise fair. That’s where you’re going on this trip. We agreed to have dinner in the evening. You give me some money and tell me to go shopping downtown.
I went to a culturally rich tourist area in the center of the city, with museums, bookstores, craft stores, record stores, coffee shops, and a few tasteful boutiques.
Bought a short backless dress and a pair of high heels for tonight’s date.
In a gift store, there were some ceramic tea sets, similar to the ones I saw at the Ranch Inn, but they were very expensive, and I had just enough money left over to buy one. After spending all the money, it was still early, so I took a break at an open-air cafe, where an autumn rain sprinkled the leaves in yellow. Suddenly, fall had arrived, and it was as if Jay had suddenly appeared as a lover and started courting me. It all happened so fast! As fate would have it, love always comes at the most unexpected times. Loving the wrong person is the theme of many romance novels I’ve read, and it’s as if I’ve been sucked into one of them, playing the female lead.
Back at the hotel, you were already waiting for me.
You said you wanted to go for a walk with me first. I asked you to wait for me for a while. Bring out the dress, put it on your body, and say, “I bought a dress, does it look good? I’d like to dress up a bit before I go out with you, okay? But don’t peek while I’m changing!”
Take off the long-sleeved T-shirt first. Loosen the fly of your jeans, pull them down, set one foot on the chair in front of the dresser, put on a stocking, sweep out the folds, and then, put on the other one.
From the dresser mirror, I see you sitting on the bed, flipping through the document holder, but your eyes aren’t listening to me, staring at my figure. Seeing my hands flexed behind my back, unbuttoning my bra, exposing the contained side view of my breasts.
I took your arm, you held my waist, like a couple, stepped into the street of the city center at the beginning of the lights, leaned on the railing of the river, and looked at the other side of the night view.
Autumn wind is coming, strapless short skirt can not stand the night cool. You took off your blouse and draped it over my shoulders, along with the remaining warmth of your body.
The restaurant is full, but you made a reservation.
A first-class restaurant, you say, best known for their stash of table wines.
He started by ordering a French Sauvignon red wine.
“I’m not old enough to drink in a restaurant. Don’t you remember?”
“Ah! Is that right? It’s okay, no one will be able to tell how old you are, and you’re accompanied by your parents and Huai Huai.”
“Tonight is the first time I’ve ever had a drink in a restaurant, I used to sneak them in at home.”
“I’m very fond of table wine, spirits I can’t.”
When the wine should be brought to you for you to try, you explain to me the categorization of table wines and how to try them.
“Wine has a life, and like a human being, it goes into different life courses as the years go by. Some wines live a little stronger and longer. I am one of those wines that lives stronger and longer than a person, with color, aroma and taste. You must try a sip tonight.”
Lyrical music, soft candlelight, and drunken wine, this was my first candlelight dinner date.
You asked me to dance, stood up politely, pulled out my chair for me, took my hand and led me to the dance floor.
You said you were the best dancer back in the day, and you and Mom were the best couple at the school dance.
“I don’t dance well.”
“It doesn’t matter, follow me, relax, feel me, let me lead you. Come on!”
You were facetious, and you did everything you could to put me in my place.
We kept dancing, our bodies swinging freely to your command. You led me through the clouds and floated over the rainbow as the music shifted from tango to swing to an idyllic love song. We slowed down. Face to face, stepping in a fine dance. Was it the powerful beat that had just raised my body temperature? Or was it the glass of red wine that made my blood boil? Our faces, already as hot as a fire iron.
A singer on a small stage sang, “Don’t break the heart that loves you… If I give you my heart, will you place it carefully…”
These songs are not of my time, but I seem to have heard and sung them together in the old days. We are pressed together, unwilling to part. My legs are so tired that I’ve lost feeling, and I lean against your chest, swinging my body.
“You’re a veteran of love affairs, would I be too young for you?”
“I will teach you how to love me.”
“What is love?”
“Aren’t we in love?”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
The song ends and we go back to our room.
The door to the room closes and all the troubles of the world are shut out, no matter what they say or do. But the music can’t stop, my numbed legs are still dancing, the room is spinning. Dropping my heels, throwing away all restraints.
Four eyes meet, can not avoid that pair of confusing eyes, your eyes have poisonous compulsion, I have fallen into your way.
I jumped into those reckless eyes that had been chasing me ever since they met me at the head of the Greyhound station. I had lost myself when I realized that his eyes often looked at me with such recklessness.
Reckless eyes, and blazing pieces of lips, searched my face. First on my forehead, then on both bare shoulders, then searching my clouded lips, burning, wet and sweet.
Legs weak and heavy, you climb on your strong shoulders. You kiss me, your hands telling your tenderness on my waist and hips.
Your hands undo the straps of the dress, pulling the pullover down and removing my clothes as I coyly cover my nakedness.
“Zoe, my little girl, you know how much I want you.” You whispered in my ear.
“Do you really want me? You didn’t lie to me?”
“You are my daughter, and I would be less than human to deceive you.”
“But I’m still, still scared.”
“Don’t be afraid, it’s the most wonderful thing in the world. Just tell me what you want and I’ll give it to you.”
“On one condition, I want you to treat me well and love me for the rest of my life.”
“I will.”
You pick me up and hold me like a little child once upon a time and lay me down on our bed. Closing my eyes and enjoying your caresses, letting you enter the depths of my soul and feeling you for real.
You say, “We can’t wait any longer. Can we take a moment to be happy?
It can be, as long as the curtain of darkness covers my first night’s shyness.
I didn’t lend it to you because I gave it all.
You’re not polite either. What you could take from me, you greedily plundered.
(vi) Newlyweds
I told mom that I was in K-town with dad. She scolded me and made me feel like a whore. And you treated me like a little princess, thoughtful and gentle.
You move me to a high class apartment and I’m going to decorate our home myself. I don’t want you to come in until the love nest is built. I want to surprise you.
You said that you could promise anything, but not to stop seeing each other.
I’m splitting up. It’s okay to meet, but only as father and daughter.
Why?
I don’t have an explanation. I don’t know why? I just want you to wait for me. Or, when the pill kicks in, we can make love without any obstacles. I’m still a little shy about the term “love”.
Every time you say you want to “make love” to me, I blush. It’s a word that doesn’t apply to the way we express our love. Because it’s too embarrassing to “make love” to Dad, even though we’ve already done it.
Because we’ve done it, you’ve become completely incapable of self-control, and you can’t stop confessing your desire for my flesh to me.
Wait for it, for punishing you.
“I can’t wait.”
“You can.”
“How long is it going to take? I think about you masturbating every night.”
“Wait a little longer, and when you’re ready, I’ll let you up.”
I chose a fancy apartment not far from your office. Referred to a couple of home magazines and decorated our new place on my own. Bought a pine dining table and chairs set with a sofa that matches the color curtains. Bought a Kingsize waterbed with the rest of the money. We are going to spend a lot of happy time on it. I want to decorate our little place tastefully, make you feel comfortable, and make you feel at home.
I can’t stop seeing you myself, so I must meet with you every time you say you want to see me.
We’d agree to meet at the park and walk the trails of the woods. In a secluded corner of the woods, you couldn’t wait to kiss and caress me.
You said, “Waiting for a day is like waiting for a year, you can’t wait.”
I said, “You can wait because, I just started taking birth control pills!”
“You can use a condom.” You say.
I know that my reasons are very flimsy. I don’t think I’ve had the opportunity to get married, and I would like to think of that day, when I make love in our sleeping quarters, as the day I get married. On that day, my dad wouldn’t take me into the chapel to hand me over to my groom, my dad would take me into his bed and double as the groom, and marry me for a hundred years, forever.
Every day, a flower comes from the florist and a card from the letter carrier. It’s all the same words, words that make me cover my mouth and laugh, like.
“O my Zohar: if thou wilt not let me come up again, thou wilt make me mad.
The greatest punishment for loving you is to wait, wait, wait.
I can’t wait. How long will I be tortured?
dying
Yours, Jay.
Thinking of you, kissing you, loving you.”
Even I, as a little girl, found it too mushy to read, but it was from a card you sent, something written by a middle-aged man, twice-married. I shook my head, but my heart was sweet.
Your flower offensive, girls can not be blocked. You know best how to use sweet words Tiffany jewelry to irrigate my vanity and teach me to think that I am really your little princess.
I can’t refuse to let you come up, but for the record, anything but sex. I wanted you to wear panties to avoid embarrassment, and you agreed. We got into bed and spent the afternoon naked in each other’s arms, testing your resolve once again. Your unabashedly affectionate words to your daughter, like a copy of a lace novel series, sound more and more carnal as you say them.
I can’t help myself, I kiss you, and when I get tired of kissing, I caress with my hands. Caressing to a limit, to vent, we simulate the action of making love, but you are not allowed to pull down your panties to reveal the dick that embarrasses me again.
Our crotches were too close to each other, and your hard-on for me was pounding me through my panties, and a hot stream was flowing from you, through my panties, and wetting my groin and thighs…
Jay, you have about as much self-control as a teenage boy. You say, with me, it’s like becoming a teenager with a bloodlust, often dreaming about me.
Honestly, you made me think you couldn’t live without me. I was even given a final warning that if I delayed you any longer in exercising your right to “intercourse”, I would be guilty of the ungrateful crime of inducing someone to rape you.
I still want you to wait a week for all the customized furniture to come in and be set up properly.
I put on a black floral robe you gave me, prepared your favorite red wine and roast beef, and waited for my groom to arrive.
You knocked before you opened the door with the key, that was our signal. As soon as I opened the door, you brought a huge bouquet of roses, which you had placed all over the living room, the bedroom, and even the bathroom. When I took the bouquet, you kissed me passionately. You said, waiting is so painful, as if you have been waiting for a century.
You took out a diamond ring from your pocket and put it on my finger: “Zoe, this is my token for you. Our love is as strong as diamonds.”
The midday sun, through the window screen, threw into the living room, and the ring reflected a dazzling light, very dazzling.
“Jay, thank you, that’s great. But I don’t have anything to give you, all the money you gave me went to furnishing our love nest.”
“The fact that you love me is the best token.”
I take off your blouse for you and hang it in the closet. You sit on the sofa and look at my furnishings. Tea on the tea set I bought in T City, you scrutinized once, I brought out hot roast beef from the kitchen.
“O my love, come and pour me a glass of wine and drink to our new home.”
“Did you choose the wine?”
“Yeah, they didn’t suspect anything, even though I was under the age of the law to buy alcohol. You tell me what kind of wine you like, and I remember it all. Red wine with beef, right? Beef should be half-cooked, right?”
“How do you know?”
“Have you forgotten who I am? You’ve known your tastes since you were a child.”
You sat across from me, fully dressed, while I ate with you in nothing but a sexy, low-cut robe.
After the meal, I made a pot of hot tea and said to you, “Do you like the ceramic set?”
“Nice.”
“Remember that idyllic dining inn we stayed at? The homemade tea set used there was quaint and elegant, and when I saw something similar, I bought it.”
“You have good taste in art.”
“Want to see my sleeping quarters?” I shoot you a wink.
“Not ours?”
“You don’t even sleep here at night, it’s not your sleeping quarters.”
I enter the room at a brisk pace, and you hurry to catch up.
“This is ‘my’ sleeping room.” I barricaded the door to the room.
“This is ‘our’ sleeping room.” With that, he squeezed in and cuddled up with me at the doorway of the room.
You kiss me and carry me into our room as I undo your tie and remove your shirt. You wrap your arms around my waist from behind and your hands travel all over my body, arousing me in that most sensitive of places.
I led you to our bed and uncovered the new sheets and the smell of them. You made no secret of your adoration of my nakedness. Kissing my clitoris as if it were a baby sucking on its mother’s tit, every point of contact of our skin unleashed a love affair. My body was so hot from the fire that I spread my legs and waited for you, you let the flames burn me red, I couldn’t stand the extreme arousal and begged for relief.
I arch my back, anticipating the fulfillment I need to thrust in. I rise and fall in time with your rhythms, as if they were waves, pushing me to orgasm. You have your hands on my hips, pumping the pleasure you send deep into me. I hold you tightly, not letting us slip from our orgasm, wanting to keep you inside me forever, not letting you go back to the second woman, even though you’ve told me many times that you’ve been in different beds with her for many years now.
We were opposite each other on the bed, listening to each other’s deep, rapid breathing.
“Zoe, hold me.” After the passion, you looked at me with a deep look in your eyes: “How long do I have to wait before I can have you completely?”
“The sooner the better.”
“I was just about to tell you that Carol is in the hospital. She wants to see you.”
“What?” It came out of nowhere, and I gave a start.
“Her cancer is terminal and she wants to talk to you.”
“She knows that we…”
“No, she doesn’t know. Since she has been ill, I dare not provoke her, I cannot bear to upset her too much.”
“She’s really sick? I thought that was your masonry.”
“I thought I was an emotional liar, even to my daughter?”
“I’m just guessing that women are wary. Why would she want to see it?”
“Discussed it with her. I told her that my daughter graduated from high school and that I could ask her to come and help take care of my son.”
“I’m in my senior year of high school and I haven’t graduated yet.”
“You’re precocious and look like you graduated high school.”
“I don’t know if I can handle the occasion, can I not see her?”
“Don’t be afraid of her, she’s already so sick and weak that the drugs can no longer control her cancer.
I’d also like you to meet our son sooner rather than later, he needs to be looked after.”
“He is your son as well as mine, and I will treat him as if he were my own, as my own son or daughter, and will not be partial. However, I fear he will not accept me.”
“Zoe, you’re a good-hearted girl. But it’s not easy being his mom.”
“Jay, I would do anything hard for you. I need your love and support, and I love you, in good times or bad, just as much as I love you, and your children.”
“Zoe, you’re such a good girl, I’ve made you my wife.”
“I already am, you’re already my husband.”
“My darling, can we make love one more time?”
“Don’t you want to go back to be with Carol and your son?”
“She’s in the hospital and there’s a nanny there to take care of her.”
Stay a little longer and make one more love to make up for your patience these days. I am sorry to hear of Carol’s misfortune, but I long for the days to come when I shall be happy forever with the man I have secretly loved for so many years.
You hold me close and kiss me deeply. Our bodies are connected and embraced on the bed, unwilling to part. You are inside me and I am inside you. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I am convinced at this moment that the man who is inside me, he loves me and I love him. You are my fulfillment and my joy, no matter what mom and the world thinks of us.
I’ll have some children for you, cook, wash, and wait for you to come home. Your son is my son too, and I’ll do my best to raise him. I’m proud of my courage. I dare to love and I dare to hate. And I dared to love someone I knew I shouldn’t.