catalogs
I. My experience of voyeurism
Personally, I have a penchant for peeping into girls’ secret places, imagining all sorts of things, and enjoying the pleasure of not being able to see or eat them. The following is a list of some of the “deeds” as some memories of youth and repentance it!
My earliest voyeur was my neighbor’s sister. She was in high school at the time, and I liked to run to her house all the time. When summer came, she came home to the top of the meter a plop to watch TV, often inadvertently under the snow-white panties from the student skirt exposed, so that when I was in puberty for the skirt shot out of the white light every time to see the blood spurts. (I’m a good boy, there is no money to buy A book, peeping girls panties became my fantasy and discharge pipeline). But all I could see was her white schoolgirl panties…
There is a young woman upstairs who loves to visit my house. She was about thirty years old, with a clean-cut face and a good figure, but she was skinny and a bit bony. Her child was in the first grade of elementary school. Once she came to my house again and sat in the living room chatting with my mother while I was writing my homework in the living room. I was doing my homework in the living room when I accidentally dropped my eraser on the floor and it bounced a few times and fell under the sofa. I got down to look for it, and suddenly found the young woman’s jeans skirt opening facing me, I carefully avoided my mother and her gaze, moving the perspective, pretending to look for something, and finally glimpsed the bottom of her skirt…the white panties held by her thighs seemed to be difficult to hide the plump protrusion …. That erotic bulge!!!…. Unfortunately, the slit in her foot closed again at once. I can’t stay under the table, so I pretended to have a toothache and went to my room to get a mirror, sitting on the sofa pretending to look at my teeth, adjusting the angle to pick up the young woman’s unintentional spring light from under her skirt…. When she got up to say goodbye, I seemed to see the upper part of her panties hollowed out ….
Junior high school is always fun, horny and gutless. Because I went to a private middle school, the junior high and high school departments were combined. I used to hide at the foot of the stairs at the end of the morning assembly and peek at the light coming out of the hems of my older sisters’ skirts as they walked up the stairs. …. Most of the high school girls still like to wear student-type white girl panties, I think one is a sign of purity, and the other is afraid of being seen by those of us, afraid to wear too sexy will make us nosebleed it…. :p …. In the shoes surface hide mirror that set also played, the impression that there is an art teacher just from the art college graduated to teach us, people look very beautiful, always love to wear dresses …. The most important thing to remember is that the most dignified way of dressing is the one that we like to do the most. From the reflection in the mirror you can glimpse her rounded buttocks, wrapped in pink panties. Unfortunately, we could only get a glimpse of the front of her colorful panties from the back. There is also a female teacher who teaches history, just graduated from the teacher’s college, also good-looking. Probably just teach inexperienced, students ask her questions always bent over, revealing flesh-colored bra bra also do not know …. The history class is particularly enthusiastic to make us ask questions, sound and color. In the summer she likes to wear sleeveless dresses, revealing beautiful arms, her armpit hair is very dark and dense, the class always fantasize about whether her hair is as dark and shiny as armpit hair, really evil teenager ah, but she raised her hand to write the board, revealing the armpit hair is indeed a teenager I caused a great deal of sensory stimulation. The English teacher is a beautiful woman, soon to be married, we always love to wait for her in the corridor, and then by the reflection of the mirror to steal the secret of her long skirt, and then in the class she is going to class on the blackboard to write white, pink, or blue ….
One summer nap at home, the young woman came again. It turned out that she had asked her mother to buy some vegetables and was coming to pick them up. She was wearing a red dress that day, knee-length. I thought to myself, “I don’t think there’s much to see,” and went back to sleep. When I woke up, I went to the kitchen to open the refrigerator to look for water and found that my mother had already left. The young woman was squatting on the floor, organizing her vegetables. When I got closer, I realized that she had lifted up her skirt to make it easier for her to crouch down. For the sake of some kind of evil intention, I approached her, chatting with her, but out of the corner of my eye, I was hoping that she did not open and close her thighs when exposed under the skirt of the spring light ….. God did not disappoint, she is probably focused on the work and forget the squatting posture of the elegant, in a three-minute-long gap, I examined in detail the color of her panties, the form, and the material …. She was wearing pink low-rise panties with no lace trim today, they were of a neutral type, not fancy at all. The material is like cotton, I also saw the front seam of her panties, I imagined that inside the seam is her secret jungle and deep valley, right! Unfortunately, I didn’t see any pubic hair peeking out from the side of the panties …. As my heart was racing and my dick was on the move, she suddenly looked up, probably because she saw my unclean eyes, and then she closed her legs and hemmed her skirt, so I smiled at her and left to go to the restroom. …. Of course, this time the toilet on the particularly long …. :p
Time flies, I have passed the somewhat evil but not very evil period of junior high school, and got into a high school with a not very high promotion rate, but close to home. I still lived at home, occasionally reading pornographic novels and smoking cigarettes. I am a little short, and full of pimples, when the students are busy to put the horse stilt, there is no women’s edge I can only be on time to do a good boy in class, occasionally hiding in the quilt to jerk off, fantasize that I peeled off the woman under the skirt of the small piece of cloth, an exploration of the mystery of the black forest ….. The days are so monotonous and repetitive ….. Next door sister has gone to college, pay more attention to grooming, so it is rare to see her spring light leaked. The young woman upstairs is also relatively rare, but occasionally I can still set some traps, peep her under skirt scenery. And in the diary to note down the time, place, and color, style.
Otherwise only once when I went to the park to hang out, I saw a young girl who was concentrating on her painting, because she was sitting on the ground, and accidentally exposed the under skirt. I got closer to take a look …. It was a white girl’s panties, but there were some patterns on them, and when I paid attention to them, they were very cute cartoon characters… Ha, ha, it looks like the little panties that little girls wear! I wish I was the little elf on the panties, licking this her girlish fragrance ….. Another time when I went shoe shopping, when I lowered my head to try on shoes, I caught a glimpse of the panties of a woman sitting across from me who was also trying on shoes. She was about twenty-five-six years old, wearing a light green one-piece dress, I saw her legs in order to try on shoes and open and close, revealing a bit of light green color (I think it is probably because of the light through the green skirt, shining on the white panties caused by it!) ), thin panties; I say it’s thin because I can catch a glimpse of her black pubic hair that seems to be visible through the panties ….. In this short five seconds, I saw her privacy that is not easily seen! When I was about to go out after buying the shoes, I saw another girl in a narrow skirt standing and sitting to try on the shoes, and my eyes happened to meet with the opening of her narrow skirt, a pair of small, flesh-colored panties with cut-outs!!!! But because she was still wearing pantyhose and the skirt was not well lit, I could only catch a glimpse. I found that the shoe store is really a good place to peep, the future of the university if you can’t get in, just to the shoe store as a little brother good, hehehe …. The following is a list of the most important things that you need to know about the company’s products and services.
Apart from these marvels, the days were basically monotonous and boring ….. As Barbuse says: Un jour, tout ce qui est triste finira (One day, sad things, will come to an end.) This lasted until my gorgeous cousin went to college, lived in my house, and graduated to work ….. A six-year-long period of time, so that my life has blossomed; in this period of reason and morality and lust struggle intertwined days, in addition to satisfying my voyeuristic pleasure, indulging in my cousin’s youthful body masturbation, but also for the first time explored the woman’s subtle inner world of lust, and to see the taste of the sea of sex and love mountain …. . But that’s a story for another time …..
II. First Encounter with Cousin
That’s not a stain, just a scar. Ah! What a scar.
I came home from school one day, and as soon as I walked in the door, I saw a wonderful young woman smiling at me. The face was vaguely similar ….. It turned out to be my cousin: as.
When I was a kid, I used to pester her. She was two years older than me and had the look of a big sister. Since she was an only child and I was an only son, and our families lived close to each other, we often played together. We played house together, she played the bride, I played the groom, and we had a carefree and happy childhood. She wasn’t a pretty girl, but she had nice features and a good figure (when she grew up), and most importantly, she was a gentle and gentle type of girl, with whom I would feel very comfortable, like a spring breeze. She never seemed to know what it was to lose her temper, probably because her family wasn’t rich, so she was always tolerant of people. When I was little I liked to play pranks and make her angry, but the maximum she could do was to hide and cry a little. After it rains, she plays with me again 🙂 As a kid I used to tell her that when I grow up I will marry her as a bride and she just smiles. Back to me : “Then you have to grow up fast and don’t bully me before you do that!!!” I took every opportunity to fall into her arms, tickling her and making her beg for mercy. At that time the heart of a pure love for her, I think the component of respect is greater than the so-called love! And she was also a kind of sisterly love for me! We moved our family north after attending junior high school, and news of my cousin was sporadic. All I knew was that she did very well and got into the Provincial Girls’ High School (while I managed to get into a lousy high school). The new environment is unfamiliar, curious, and adaptable. So that my hometown of her gradually faded, the memory is slowly fading, joking like a vow, as hours listening to fairy tales …. I’m not sure what I’m talking about, but I’m not sure what I’m talking about.
Her face now was similar to that of her childhood, except that her hair had grown longer and she had become thinner, making her clear face more slender. She wore an apricot-yellow dress with well-proportioned legs below the knees. She smiled shallowly at me, ah! This smile, at the beginning of my journey to the north, in my midnight dreams, made me embrace the quilt and cry in secret, and it was difficult for me to sleep. And now we meet again, yes! No! I had to talk to her in a very awkward way, making small talk. It turns out that she got into the University of T this year, and is going to study in the north. Auntie is a conservative countrywoman who doesn’t feel comfortable with her living outside, so she came to live in my house. I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to do that! It is really a great gospel ….. I had a chat with her. Obviously, the cost of studying hard is to make her wear glasses, but also make her face added a Sven and showy, I fishing fishing complaining about Taipei, she is still a habit of maintaining a shallow smile ….. Words are very few, very love to laugh ….. Just like a child!
Later I made a show of being attentive (and actually excited) to help her organize her room, putting on a show of being a wise at-home husband. When she turned to organize her luggage, I carefully surveyed her back ….. The shadow is still the same, just become beautiful, become taller, the body proportionally wrapped in a well-fitting dress underneath. Such as has fallen into a standardized college girl, and I am still a face full of pimples, nothing to do, the future of the bad high school students, a comparison, I can not help but some self-image obscene.
I then helped her organize in Ru’s room and made small talk about the farewell scene. She’s been working hard for the past few years, so she’s always been at the top of the school. I, on the other hand, was busy mucking …. around. Now that she was a student at a national university and about to embark on a colorful and varied life as a freshman, while I still seemed to be a maggot rolling around in the muck, I couldn’t help but feel a little depressed. We chatted and tidied up, and when I finished the mattress, I turned around to find my cousin standing on the table, pawing at her feet and stuffing her tentatively unused luggage into the space in the attic. A pair of legs waved in front of me, provoking my restraint. The frustration of a moment ago was suddenly swept away …. by this beautiful scene. The hem of her skirt rose a little because of her pawed feet, and when she pushed forward hard, the skirt in the back lifted up a little so that the part of her thighs that had been above her knees was exposed ….. I looked at her beautiful legs and couldn’t hold back …. any longer. What’s inside the skirt?�������. An evil thought struck my mind, and I gulped, realizing that my mouth was dry. My cousin is still busy organizing her clothes, so she probably won’t notice what I’m doing, right?
So I pretended to lower my head to organize the clutter under the table and slowly moved my eyes to the bottom of her skirt ….. Cousin sister like a sheep with her head down and self-consciously eating grass, not knowing that the hungry wolf has already been eyeing her …. with a vengeance. I moved my gaze closer ….. A youthful body of flesh was gradually displayed in front of me …..
I saw a rounded ass, wrapped in tiny white panties, because she was still wearing pantyhose, so the panties were wrapped inside the pantyhose, and there were some wrinkles near her buttocks, not very flattering. According to my years of voyeuristic experience, the material of the panties she was wearing should be a nylon blend, as cotton panties seem to be thicker and have a better fit. Since the stockings she was wearing were completely transparent from the waist up, I could clearly see the color and texture …. of the panties. But the good news is that the table came down after putting something on. But she didn’t have the slightest idea what I had just done, she just saw that I was blushing a little bit (and her heart was pounding), so she asked me: “That’s a lot of stuff, yo! You’re tired too, so you can pack it up tomorrow.” I smiled at her with a little guilty conscience and thought to myself, “I’ll see if I’ve made the right observation tonight.
In the evening after watching TV, always the earliest bath I was uncharacteristically late to wash, urged by my mother, I impatiently back: “I want to watch TV! I told my cousin to wash first!” My cousin smiled at me and went to the back of the room. She smiled at me and went to the back of the room. I didn’t take a shower until she was done. While we were all watching TV in the living room, I went to the back balcony and found an extra set of women’s underwear where I usually hang my underwear, and they were still wet! It was swishing in the wind like an open blip …. flower. I carefully removed it and secretly took it to the bathroom …..
This is the first time I look at a girl’s intimate baby so close. Pure white lace daytime bra, size 32A, white nylon blend panties, middle of the road student type, no exaggerated lace and lace, the front is not any special design. But he means something different to me, this is my cousin s close, wrapped around her evocative peaks and deep valleys ….. To the nose in front of a inhalation, as if the whisk can vaguely feel the cousin body unique, the girl’s fragrance body odor. The body odor mixed with soap and water stimulation, the head of the top of the standing. I wrapped my cousin’s panties around him, rubbing back and forth, and fantasizing about the youthful flesh underneath the underwear ….. A wave of dizziness rushed to my head and my drenching shot straight out ….. In the bathroom, there was only the thick, cold steam of water, accompanied by my heavy panting ….. I splashed a little water to wash the tarnished remnants of me from her panties ….. There was a sense of liberation in the flesh after the eruption, sluggishness, lethargy ….. Inside, however, there was a plunge into emptiness and self-loathing …..
After my cousin came, I became better behaved and came home on time, which Mom and Dad thought was a good “peaceful change”. I asked her questions about books, and when she answered them, I just stared at her, smiling stupidly, and imagined all the things she had under her coat. …. Underwear form, color …. Youthful flesh ….. Not long after, every night fixed to go to the balcony to examine her close to become my daily class, the brain in addition to the Three Principles of the People’s Republic of China in addition to the history and geography of the country, but also stuffed with my cousin’s various kinds of underwear, white, flesh-colored, pink ….. Every day, I masturbated to her, listening to her soft murmurs and silver bell-like laughter ….. Then masturbating to her intimate apparel in the shower became the anticipation and hope of my daily life ….. Days that had a rose color ….
My cousin was kind of a country girl, so she dressed more conservatively. Even underwear is also so, her close to white and flesh-colored color scheme is mainly. All of them are the kind of girl type without lace edge, low-waisted moderate type of panties, there is a piece of pink, the top has embroidered a rose, probably considered the most “slutty” one; There is also a piece of red and green small flowers …. . The bras are all back-opening, and there is a Wacoal strapless white one with gorgeous lace, but I rarely see her wearing it.
Since the first day to see the bottom of the cousin’s skirt, has been suffering no opportunity to see the spring light, only to her just changed down, washed close to “see things think of people”, I look forward to the day, I can see the cousin wearing these I have long been familiar with the close to the body, show in front of my eyes ….. I was looking forward to the day when I could see my cousin in these clothes that I have long been familiar with, displayed in front of my eyes.
Three. I love my cousin.
Tonight is a typical summer night in Taipei, muggy and humid, with the occasional evening breeze blowing hot toward the night. Although the home is air-conditioned, it is still hard to beat the power of a summer night, fueled by a basin-type climate that rumbles and rumbles with a bit of a desire to get up and go. The family went to the top floor to cool off. Although it is hard to see stars in the sky of Taipei because of the serious light pollution, tonight, uncharacteristically, even the Milky Way was vaguely recognizable. It was as if we had returned to the summer night when we were cooling off under the kadong tree hours later.
The family made tea on the top floor and started a long-distance discussion. Mom and dad chatted about the past when we were young, and I laughed out loud when it was funny, while my cousin laughed coyly. Mother jokingly asked: “Ru, into the university can have a boyfriend, like Xiao Xiong is still in high school, I will not allow him to promiscuous mile!
  “Just be careful about dating, your mom entrusted you to me, I think you’ve grown up, should be for their own good thinking,” mother said with a smile: “Unlike Xiao Xiong as fussy, always like a child who never grows up,” I tickled with my mother. I tickled my mother, and my cousin blushed and laughed: “College is a busy place.” I don’t want to get a boyfriend so early, either.”…. Hearing these words gave me a subtle psychological feeling ….. In fact, Xiao Xiong has already grown up in a certain aspect ah!
My cousin wore a blue denim skirt today and a beige shirt on top. According to my experience, denim skirt is one of the easiest skirts to wear. So I deliberately picked a seat across from her, catching the angle and then waiting for the fish to take the bait and the sheep to enter. My cousin had been sitting with her legs crossed, which is a very sore sitting position, and she had to change her legs often. Several times in the gap between her legs, I seemed to have caught a glimpse of something, but I was never sure. Finally when her legs got sore and she was sitting on a short stool again, she flattened her legs ….. She probably did not know that a seemingly loyal werewolf was waiting for this opportunity, hoping to capture a rare glimpse of her skirt …..
  “Meteor!!!” , a white light streaked across the sky, and in the gap where my cousin was distracted by looking up and forgot to clench her legs, I captured it! ….. A familiar pink light shot out from her skirt, it was the one pink with embroidered panties! ….. The pink and somewhat transparent texture of the cloth wrapped around the fat, protruding mystery zone that seemed to be bursting out ….. As if to let me see a little more clearly, she slightly moved her body so that the entire skirt opening was facing me, and I could have an unobstructed view of the boundless spring light underneath the skirt ….. I even saw the embroidered rose …. Ah …..” Rose rose I love you” ….. I was trying to memorize the combination …. of the light and the blush. My brother was also squirming uncomfortably underneath me.
After enjoying the moon too late, everyone was busy bathing and going to bed by the time we got downstairs. In front of the bathroom, my mother said to my cousin, “You’ve been here for so long, so you should wash your own clothes, since we have a washing machine at home, don’t be too shy, just put them in the laundry.” My sister nodded her head in embarrassment. I hid in my room, excited about this unexpected gospel. After my cousin had finished her bath, it was my turn to wash. I waited for everyone to go to bed, and then sneaked out to the balcony to look for the laundry blues. I searched for half a day how can not find, and then saw her shirt seems to be wrapped in what things, open a look, a heart almost jumped out …. It is her panties ….. The first thing I did was to get a good look at the pants, which were wrapped up in a ball and wrapped inside. I hurriedly brought to the bathroom to examine ….. It was the panties I had just seen, only it had now been faded from that beautiful flesh, and it was it, wrapped around my cousin’s most reverie-inducing mystery zone, that great mountain! I brought the panties up to my nose and inhaled deeply, and a strong cleansing smell of teenage body odor rushed into my head …. Wow!
This is the smell of my cousin’s place ah, the strong smell of female hormones pricked my brother, my brother has already been a column of the sky ….. I examined the most mysterious body, it is completely different from the past peeping, to the washed intimate apparel,….. It is just taken off from that flesh, full of female flavor, attracting the primitive hormones of the opposite sex, there are still some yellow-white residue on the panties, I can not help but use the tip of my tongue to lick a little bit, a bit of sour and sweet taste, I think this is the taste of my cousin’s pussy! I also found a pubic hair, black and elastic, a little curly ….. This is the cousin’s body hair! ….. I excitedly sniffed and licked this piece of panty that wrapped around her mysterious area, and finally used it to rub against my brother until I ejaculated twice before I was done, once on that rose, and the other time on her bra, right cup ….. And then I showered, secretly returned the underwear to its place, and dragged my tired body back to my room to sleep.
The light in Ru’s room was still on, probably still working on her schoolwork. She did not know that her unintentional spring light stirred up a teenager’s stupid sexual sea of love mountain; she did not know that her cousin just in the bathroom has been her spirit of rape twice; she is even more unaware of the underwear she has to change tomorrow, perhaps there is still a particularly strong vitality of the spermatozoa survive, waiting for the closest contact with her womb section; she only knows that she has to hand in a report tomorrow ….. She didn’t know that in the next room she had entered the dream world of a teenager with whom she was playing the game of Witchcraft …..
I began to familiarize myself with her body odor and even her physiological cycle, from the color and style of her panties to her pubic hair, which I collected and examined like a hunter collects fur ….. I am more familiar with her inner self than myself ….. I think I’m getting more and more perverted ….. Each day began with just looking forward to the evening, quietly masturbating as I looked right at her, imagining the youthful flesh under her clothes ….. Guessing its contents, color, and shape by the folds of her panties peeking out from her squatting ….. Then at night to test the results, I have indulged in this game, the heart of a breath of morality and decency, with each time my brother shot out, is disappearing little by little; in my mind, she is no longer my cousin, but a body exudes youthful charm of a woman, a day and day and I went to the mountain of sex partner …. Spiritual.
As my cousin got older, she slowly became more fashionable in her attire, and the more beautiful she looked outside, transforming herself from a country girl into a city girl. From my “underwear analysis”, I was the first to notice this change. She gradually wore high-waisted panties, lace ones, patterned ones, and the color went to green and small floral series ….. I was excited about a new pair of panties every time ….. Just one summer night near fall, I noticed she had changed into a pair of pink flesh-colored, lacy, boxer briefs with a V-shaped cut-out pattern in the front ….. A panty that was described as sexy. The next day she came home from class, and as I had hoped, she wore that denim skirt today, presumably with the addition of pantyhose so she wouldn’t be afraid to wear them. But as soon as she got home, she took off her pantyhose and went to the living room in her slippers to watch Joy 100 Points. Only I know that underneath this skirt is her flesh, wrapped in a pair of blushing panties ….. Without the hindrance of pantyhose ….. The “color” bugs in my heart are on the move again. I sat diagonally across from her and realized that the opening of her skirt was facing the TV and was difficult to see from the side, so she spread her legs with impunity. How could I pass up such an opportunity? So I began to make kung fu tea, just in the pretense of pouring tea for her stall, generously scrutinize her under skirt scenery …..
Sure enough it was the sexy panties, a familiar pink light made me swoon, the difference was there was a black blur peeking through the cutout part …. Pubic hair! Her bottom plumped up to fill the panty’s insides, and the whole panty seemed to take on a life of its own, frequently sending me sexual signals ….. The TV’s teasing caused her to emit a silvery laughter, her face slightly flushed and coquettish! Beautiful eyes! How I wanted to pounce on her with an arrow step, tear her shirt, rip off her bra, remove her panties …. I would like to send my power into her palace section and pump it repeatedly for a couple hundred times, pouring my holy water into her mysterious valley! I’ll nibble and play with her breasts, I’ll kiss her all over, I’ll rub my pubic hairs against hers and spark them to life ….. I will make my dreams come true!
I’m gonna fuck her!
I’m gonna fuck her!
But that is impossible …. I don’t have that courage, and I can’t completely and totally throw away all my reason and benevolence and morality, just at the moment when the fire of desire burns my whole body red and is about to burn …. The bottom of my heart suddenly rang a strange and familiar voice, word by word in reproach me, my body on the one hand in the hot purgatory; on the other hand in the cold ice cellar ….” She is your sister!!!” , “If you love her, you shouldn’t do anything that might hurt her!!!” , “You have possessed her spiritually, not physically!!!” , in this moment of heavenly war, I ran for a cold shower!
Under the lotus head, I told myself that I was just a harmless wolf, satisfying …. myself by spying and masturbating on my prey. But absolutely, absolutely, absolutely harmless, if I step out of this step and do something to hurt others, then I will become a real, everyone shouting to kill the wolf! Don’t, I don’t want to become like this, I still like to be a voyeur who doesn’t nuisance others, who doesn’t attack others, who picks up the spring light of others as the sustenance of life, if I really attack her, then it goes against my principle, for the consequences, I think I can’t afford to bear ….. But another voice in my mind faintly shouted : “Do it! Fuck her!” , “She’s just a woman, a fucked up object”, “If you don’t do it now, you’ll regret it in the future!!!” , “I’m not willing!!!” ….. Under the rush of cold water, the voice of reason finally overpowered the challenge of carnal desire for the time being, “Let’s talk about it next time!!!” , a compromising voice rang out ….
But, at an opportunity not long afterward, the physical desires recoiled viciously ….. The pressure of the sea of sex and mountains of love came lining up ….. But that was an afterthought ….
IV. Lust, Love Prison
Sometimes bean-sized drops fall on your curls, please remain still, it’s not rain leaking from the roof, please don’t cry but just silently hold my hand tightly.
That year, I took the Joint Entrance Examination for Junior College, and perhaps because of my cousin’s tutoring, a miracle, or even a miraculous gift from the Almighty, I was admitted to a private university. My parents were so happy that they attributed the great transformation to my cousin; they bought me a motorcycle as a gift… Of course, my cousin brought changes to my life, and for the first time, I started to think about sex and love from the lust-driven peeping tom; I played my first so-called love game from the purely spectator’s view. Of course, for a person who has just graduated from high school and doesn’t know how to take care of people and how to put in and out of affection, this is too heavy a game, no matter it’s for me or for her. ……
Not long after the release of the school year, I went to a health activity – climbing the Daba Jianshan Mountain – with some of my best friends who used to masturbate at school (masturbating means hiding under the bridge or stairs to peep at the students…). We went to a health activity together – climbing Daba Jian Mountain. We went to Sun Moon Lake for a few days and met a bunch of girls. One of them, Xiaojie, was cute, but not my favorite type. As soon as she came up, she kept pestering me, which made me a bit flattered. Self-confessed good-looking not good, no girls edge of me, but there are girls “light step”, so I kind of restored to their own confidence. Asked, it turned out that she appreciated my quiet and a little melancholy expression (God knows, that’s because I have nothing to say, full of glue, so I had to not speak, put on a melancholy look, people do not say that silence is gold?) I was so curious about the opposite sex, that I realized that she and I both went to the University of W. I was so excited to meet her, and I was so excited to meet her. With the curiosity of the opposite sex, coupled with the coaxing of the dead friends, I was matched with her as a pair. I think it’s good that we’re in the same school, so it’s easy to do what we want to do. No fish and shrimp is also good! At least in the future to prom or something also have a companion ah!
The days passed in a few more days in the cheek to cheek. When it was time to go home, my companions were all reluctant to leave, but I had a sense of anticipation and hope. I was looking forward to seeing my cousin again. On the northbound train, Xiaojie leaned on my shoulder and fell asleep, the train rumbled on, getting closer and closer to home, and the anticipation in my heart grew stronger and stronger. …. I don’t know what my cousin is doing now. …We can get tired of each other every day in the summer vacation…My mood is like a wanderer who has been away from home for many years, looking forward to seeing the yellow ribbons tied to the trees on the road in my hometown.
Look down and scrutinize Jie, she is sleeping sweetly, a simple, youthful, lovely girl with the vivacity and confidence of our new generation of new people …. Does she know that sitting next to her is a wolf that doesn’t dare to devour people? Xiaojie frowned a little, seemed to dream of something, and also seemed to answer my question. If I identified her with this, and did not think nonsense, perhaps the days were simple and happy, and at least saved me from the entanglements of lust …. But I refused to stop, a wandering heart, should not be so easy to stop and rest; my heart has a greater ambition, in the darkness comes, will be awakened stupid, with the adrenal gland thumping drums dance… I am a wolf, although I long for the warmth of people’s home lamps, but I do not want to have a home, I would rather hide in the dark, as a high and proud of the wolf, the wolf is not to be collected! . …For Jie, it was just a comma in my life, definitely not a period. In this regard, I have no sense of guilt at all, I have no commitment with her, together with just men and women love, and then come, not to go, who care? It is there, these days, what is eternal? Instead, it was my restless hands that took advantage of her sleeping and ate her tofu hard a few times.” This is what I’ve earned”… I thought so.
After exchanging phone addresses with Jie at the station, I rushed home with a sense of urgency. As soon as I entered the door, Mom and Dad were not there. Habitually, I ran to the balcony to do that long time not to do the rounds. Unexpectedly found the set of youthful accessories missing on the hanger. Hurriedly rummaged through the laundry blues and it wasn’t there either! Where did cousin go? Has she gone home? My heart felt as if it had been sprinkled with cold water. She stayed in the living room and moped. At that moment, my mother came back. “Xiong, you’re back!” Yes! Why haven’t I seen my cousin?”” Xiao Ru? The day before yesterday, her family called and heard that her father was sick, so she rushed home. This kid is quite filial!” I was so relieved, I thought she had moved away! Good home in! I chatted with my mom and didn’t tell her about Xiaojie. I don’t like to share my secrets with others. Besides, I haven’t done anything with Jie yet, so if I told her, I would have to talk about it again. After dinner, I went to bed with a headache.
Tossing and turning in bed, I snuck into my cousin’s room, whispered, opened the closet, pulled open the lower drawer, and took out all of her underwear, laying them on the bed. I like a parade one by one to examine the cousin’s intimate accessories, as if playing with a piece of see pieces of collection of antiques; I am collecting them ah, in the depths of the heart, belonging to my cousin and I, dark and ambiguous corner. Each piece of blasphemy is a story. Its color, form, taste, and even how to wear her, I can tell them all like a treasure trove. Thinking back to all my love affairs with her, and the first time I saw my cousin wearing each and every one of them, I actually blushed and my heart skipped a beat. I gently lie down, imagine as is lying beside me, very strange, the excitement and passion of the past has disappeared,……, boundless loneliness and self-pity and self-pity feeling attacked the heart. She knows that a teenager has fallen into her boundless whirlpool of lust? Tossing and turning difficult to sleep? Ah! Cousin! Xiao Ru!
I thought that my desire for my cousin was just a natural reaction to a youthful body, just like for those women I had spied on in the past, I don’t know their names, my spying on them may just be a piece of embarrassment, like a harmless rumor, soon gone with the wind; in the future, as long as they have a girlfriend or find a better “venting object”, they will naturally be able to shift their target. In the future, as soon as I got a girlfriend or found a better “object of venting”, I could naturally shift the target. But when I left home, I realized that my cousin had quietly taken over a corner of my heart without even realizing it. Through the reverie and voyeurism of my cousin’s flesh, the appreciation and play of her body and masturbation, I seem to have fallen into an uncontrollable love step by step. It’s a strange feeling, isn’t it? From the purely physical sensual fascination and stimulation, I stole her intimate affairs, mastered most of her physical secrets, but a wonderful feeling is slowly breeding, because of the understanding of her physical, I am more and more like her man (although my own determination; or you can say it is my masturbation), in addition to physical fantasy and desire, but inwardly there is a greater thirst for her, that is beyond the possession of her body; I even went so far as to say that I have fallen into a kind of uncontrollable love. I even began to want to explore her inner world and share her joys and sorrows. I wished to stop spying on her, stealing the secrets of her youth like a thief, and I wished to tell her, “Xiaoru, I love you!” It was hard to believe that I had developed such feelings for my cousin, who was two years older than me. Especially in her absence, facing all her intimate secrets, there was no sexual impulse and passion, but deep down, there was a hidden pity and pain; it was as if I saw the objects of a deceased person, and then suddenly thought that he was already gone, and a parting pain gnawed at me, and I couldn’t help but shed a tear… The radio in the middle of the night, kept on playing that song…will you still love me…tomorrow…
I decided to head south to Chiayi early the next morning to find her ……..
Getting off at the Chiayi Railway Station, I came back to my hometown after several years of absence… The familiar bronze statue of Wu Feng had been replaced by a Liberty Bell, and everything became bright and misty under the scorching sunshine unique to southern Taiwan, and my heart was filled with joy because I was going to look for my love. I was like a warrior full of confidence, the future may be bumpy, the enemy may be treacherous and cunning, but because I had found my true love, I could fight for her against all odds. After clarifying my feelings, I suddenly felt happy and much more mature. Perhaps I was too young myself! Always wishful thinking and weaving beautiful dreams, that the earth is for me to turn…just at that time, I was so enjoy the self-righteousness of taking for granted and smooth sailing…This is probably the capital of youth, but I do not know that I almost lost all my money in the first betting… ….
Hopping on the bus to Lantan, I took my first step toward her ……
V. Beautiful beginnings
I’m picking roses, and I’m not wilting yet, the sun and the moon are moving, and I’m flying, and this flower is burning, and the next day it’ll be a dead branch.
I wore a special suit today, hoping to dress a little more mature. I bought my companion and felt like I was going to propose marriage. When I got off at the stop sign, I couldn’t wait to walk fast…, finally! The big dog that my cousin’s family owns has started barking, and after being away for so long, Blackie, who chased me around and played with me in my childhood, doesn’t recognize me anymore. My aunt poked her head out, a smile on her face : “Auntie!”
  “Xiong Zai! It’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other, but you’ve had time to come here?”
  “Because I came to Kagi to look for my classmates, I heard that my aunt and uncle were in ill health, so I turned around to take a look!!!”
The first thing I’ve learned is that it’s not a problem, it’s just an old symptom, it’s just the way it is when you’re older.
  “You and Ru are all the same, love the tension!”
  “Also by the brake turn to visit the hometown, it has been a long time since I came back! The road has changed a lot!”
My aunt greeted me attentively and asked me to come in and sit down.
  “Ah haven’t rushed if you’re in a hurry, it’s good to stay here for a few more days!”
  “Yes!”
My aunt’s uncle also came forward, suffering from gout, the old disease they say.
  “Aunt Abbot, ah are you feeling any better?”
“It was nothing in the first place! It’s all because your aunt was so nervous. I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to do that…”
  “That’s Ixiao Shun!”
I chatted with them and wondered why I hadn’t seen my cousin.
  “Ah…cousin isn’t here?”
“I’m going out with my friends.”
  “Friend?”
The company said it was a classmate la! The family lives in Minxiong, the morning came to sit for a while, after eating lunch, Aru said to go for a walk with him, Nai to now? Probably almost back it!
  “OH…”, a wave of jealousy flared in my heart… Classmates!
Just after that moment, the cousin came back.” Huh! Little Xiong! Why are you running here?”
  “Turning back to visit and see my aunt and uncle, it’s been a long time!” (Actually, I just came to see you!)
Seeing her cousin’s radiant face, the jealousy she had just felt had been swept away.
  “Wow! I’m not going to be able to get away with it! It looks so much older”, the cousin joked. (Pretending to be older is for you too!!!) …….
As we talked, it was evening. Cousin went upstairs to help me make the bed, looking at her slender back, and the traces of her bra and panties on her back and hips when her body bent down, I had an urge to hug her from behind. In the middle of my thoughts, my cousin turned around and smiled sweetly at me: “Why do you want to come to see my cousin?”
  “Can’t see you at home, miss you!!!” (Really!!!)
  “Wow! Even the sister’s tofu eat, tomorrow will not take you to play!!!”
…..
There was a sudden silence, and the two men got a little unnatural.
  “Sister, I want to take a bath.” , “I’ll put the hot water on for you” (so much like a wife to her husband!!!)
I straightened my clothes and went downstairs when my cousin came from the living room and said.
  “Your guest let you wash first! I’ve got the water running, young master!”
Entering the bathroom I hurriedly scrubbed my body and took a moment to survey the terrain.
When I came out, my cousin was waiting outside: “Go to bed early and we’ll take you to play tomorrow.”
I pretended to go upstairs, and then I heard the sound of the bathroom putting on the bath water. …I pretended to go upstairs, and to hear the sound of the bathroom running the bath water, I tiptoed back downstairs.
There was an air window under the door of my cousin’s bathroom. I couldn’t resist the temptation of peeking at my cousin’s shower… I approached the bathroom cautiously, like a wolf holding its breath as it approached its prey… The yellow light of the bathroom was coming through the air window… I think my cousin should have started to undress by now… right? I slowly lowered my head… The light is spreading on my face…at this moment, I have the face of the devil, right? I could see my cousin’s slender thighs through the gap in the air window…and she started to undress. First, she unbuttoned the front button of her blouse and took off the whole thing, revealing the white openwork bra inside. Then she took off her sweatpants, and her round ass was wrapped in tiny, white panties with red flowers, and underneath were her long, slender legs. I gulped a little, afraid to miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see my cousin’s most mysterious zone. Cousin turned around, reached behind her back with both hands, undid the back clasp of her bra, and put it on the laundry blue …. next to her. The entirety of my cousin’s white and flawless back was on display in front of me…why don’t you turn around? …My little brother had long been hard as iron at this point…My cousin inserted her fingers in the side of her panties and slowly rolled them down along her thighs …. My brother had almost reached the tipping point ………..
At this time, suddenly heard my aunt and uncle’s cough! Frightened me scared, hurriedly ran upstairs with my feet in my mind, a heart fluttering and fluttering. Peek down to see, it came from his room…hey! God killed me!… I don’t have the courage to go downstairs to peep anymore, I still have a chance tomorrow anyway! I haven’t seen that underwear before, I think it’s a new one from home! I’m going to steal them and study them. ……
After another half an hour, after making sure that no one was downstairs, I sneaked downstairs again and went into the bathroom, rummaging through the laundry blue to find my cousin’s freshly changed intimate treasures… After half a day of rummaging, a set of youthful accessories was displayed in front of me, and I hurriedly sent it to my nose to take a whiff, and it was that familiar smell that had me spellbound, and my brother sniffling over it. I stuffed my pants into my pocket and sneaked upstairs. Entering the door and locking it behind me, I took out my panties, which were Triumph’s little white panties in size M, with a little red crinoline. I set aside the pajama pants and panties, put the panties in front of my nose to inhale and smell, with the tip of my tongue to lightly lick the remaining dense juice that covers the part of my cousin’s pussy, thinking back to the total sum of what I have just seen … a thick juice from my brother sprayed out, I was at my cousin’s house, and she reached orgasm once and for all …. In imagination.
Go knock on your cousin’s door! , an evil thought was born.
I sneaked downstairs again and approached my cousin’s room, turning the door handle lightly, surprisingly it was unlocked! I pushed the door and saw my cousin wearing a pink robe, kicking the quilt, with her stomach exposed. I pulled the quilt up and covered her up, but I didn’t expect to wake her up.
I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to get to sleep! Why don’t you go to bed? It’s so late!”
  “I…can’t sleep.”
  “What’s the matter? Not used to sleeping in a different bed?”
“I don’t know.”
I looked at her face full of tiredness, and something in my heart couldn’t bear it, the lust I had just felt had mostly subsided.
  “Sister…”
  “What is it?”
  “Can I kiss you goodnight?!”
  “You’re such a big man and you’re still fooling around like that!”
“Is it good?”
I looked at her non-committal expression, under the reflection of the bedside lamp, together with the reddish look of just waking up, it was extraordinarily shy and attractive… I couldn’t help but put my mouth over. Cousin saw that I was playing for real, very embarrassed to tilt her head, my mouth kissed on her cheeks.
  “That’s good enough to go to bed! Bad boy, grown up and pouty!!!”
My cousin made a shy face, and I was amused at my own stupid appearance… Exiting my cousin’s room, the feeling of fulfillment and excitement in my heart was completely different from jerking off.
I actually chewed on the sheet and lost sleep all night until morning because of the joy …..
VI. The song is over, but I can’t see the people. The river is green.
Give me someone who is not a slave to passion, and I will hide him in the depths of my heart, truly, in the heart of my heart, as I treasure You.
The next day, I traveled with my cousin to Lan Tan, a place we used to visit when we were kids. The lake was dotted with sandbars, the waves were shining brightly, and occasional egrets flew by. The scenery was still the same as in the past, and it was as if time had come to a standstill and flowed backwards. Six-year-old me and my cousin walking together, her small hand holding my even smaller hand, I insisted on walking on the side of the road side of ….
  “Sister, you go inside, I’ll go outside.”
  “No, how dangerous it is to walk outside the car.”
  “That’s why I have to go outside and protect my sister!!!”
A touched expression appeared on her cousin’s face.
  “What about the car coming for Yoshi?”
  “I can jump out of the way! Xiao Xiong knows kung fu and is not afraid of cars”
….. In the end it was the cousin who walked outside because she said she was the sister.
….
  “What are you thinking about? “, my cousin’s question brought me back to reality, the sunlight spread on her face, lining her smile like a flower.
I’m just thinking about some things I did when I was a kid! It’s just something I thought about when I was a kid.”
“You’re the most naughty when you’re young, but you’re also the best at pampering your sister.”
  “Once I fell into a pond in order to pick water hyacinth and was rescued, only to realize later that I had gone to pick it for me…”
  “I also just said:Bougainvillea flowers look good!!!”
  “Who Knows You ….”
The cousin smiled a little, as if she, too, had returned to those days of sisterly love, simple and happy.
Yes, I would do anything for you…I thought I was just attracted to your mature female body, but now I realize that my love has been growing in my heart since I was very young and I didn’t know it, but the time and space barrier made it dormant for a while, but with the reunion…, the crazy peeping of your body… …I’m eager to get to know you, to revisit what I know about you, to make up for missing out on your growth at the moment of separation. …. You were a little girl at the time of the breakup, but now you’re a grown woman! …. Sentiment, catalyzed by lust, is sprouting and spreading in the heart again ….. and gnawed at my heart all the time. Until this short farewell, only to realize that you in my mind is not just a member of the Peep List, but occupy a more important position …. I can’t even tell if I’m in love with you or lust? Or is it both?
I was strolling along the long embankment, the wind was blowing and the water was rippling. You walk in front of me, the wind blew, will be your fitted white shirt blown suit, your slender body vaguely visible … but now I am full of you, not carnal lust on the masturbation; but a pain and thanks, a with me through childhood, in my youthful stirring to meet my sexual fantasies (although you do not know) …. For you …. How I hope that this long embankment will never be finished, and we will go on like this, for ever and ever …….
  “Sister, I heard from my aunt and uncle that a boy came to see you yesterday! Was it a boyfriend?”
  “OH…can’t really talk about it! He’s my classmate, also from Chiayi, and went to Taipei in high school.”
  “When I first got into U of T I was still very vague about Taipei, and he was so eager to help me run around…”
(If you had told me, I would have made it too!!!)
  “He’s nice, and he’s from the same town, and he takes good care of me”, (me too!!!)
A twinge of jealousy grew in me, the sweetness that had just been in my heart was slowly fading.
  “So you like him!?” , (I hope not!!!)
I don’t know! Anyway, we’re all still talking…”, (！！！！)
A heartache came over me like a million ants gnawing at my heart… (She has a boyfriend!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) ….
I’m not sure if I’ve ever been in a relationship with a woman before. I’m not sure if I have a girlfriend or not. Tell Sis oh…” ,(Of course not!!!)
 ”……”, I smiled bitterly, (I only have you in mind!!!)
  “Yes!!!”
  “What’s the name? Can you tell sis?”
  “It’s called Chen Yunru!!!” ,(really!!!) …Cousin stayed for a moment …..
  “Haha…”, “You don’t eat sister’s tofu, I’m serious with you”, (it’s true!!!)
  “There is a person la, but the time is not ripe, later to tell you”, (is you ah!!!)
  “OH…if not Sister would like to introduce you!?”
  “m…..” .
The jealousy in my heart is spreading fast, my heart has been burned by a wave of anger…I can’t hear what my cousin is saying anymore…all I can hear in my heart is a series of questions 🙂
  “Why??” , “Why!?” , “Why!!!”
I’ve become a bit more quiet at dinner. I’m usually used to being quiet anyway, so it’s hard for people to tell from the outside that a chemical change is going on inside me …….
I ate my fill, watched a little TV, took a shower and then hid in my room with the excuse of a headache. A wounded beast needs a place to heal! Cousin was talking on the phone, it was probably “him”, right? I felt a stabbing pain in my heart when I saw my cousin talking so happily…why not me? …. I quickly walked upstairs and unlocked the door, the tears I had been holding back all day flowed out …….
Lying in bed, tossing and turning, thinking about the shift in her mood, there was a hint of resignation in her heart, in addition to self-pity.
(Cousin is mine! No one can take her away)
(She loves me the most, she’s just afraid to tell me!!!)
(If I dared to confess to her, she’d take me for “him”!!!)
(If you can’t have her love …..)
A terrible thought is taking shape …. (I’ll possess her first, and then, everything will be fine!!!)
The rational self gradually retreats, the emotional self has long since disappeared without a trace; the beast in my heart gradually awakens and resurrects, tending to encourage me to make terrible actions …….
(At least get her flesh first …….)
(Weren’t you about to do it last time???)
(Not to mention she’s about to become someone else’s woman ….)
The sound of the water heater coming from downstairs seemed to entice me…ah the youthful flesh in that bathroom!
(Auntie they all go to bed early anyway)
(According to Ru’s personality, she wouldn’t dare to shout it out.)
My heart has been filled with carnal desire, love, morality, all cast to the back of my mind, all I think is how to get down …….
I step softly down the stairs, the light of the bathroom by the gas window, let me continue to finish yesterday’s greatness! I quietly lowered my head, the light spilled over my face, and in a fog of steam, a slender youthful flesh came into view ……
Cousin has removed all the restraints on her body, and a body like that of a Venusian goddess is revealed before my eyes…, ah! The beautiful body that I had longed for and dreamed of! …Hidden in the steam…, white as snow, intoxicated by the hot water rinse face, a few drops of sweat, mixed with water droplets, reflecting the white and red complexion, bright and beautiful… Next is the beautifully curved neck, shoulders… Along the cleavage and down is the high pink pepper breasts, drooling …. Ah! Those are my sister’s breasts… I’ve long been familiar with the way they look wrapped up in various bras, but I didn’t expect them to be so beautiful and firm after they were freed from their restraints… If I could just suck on them, it would be so nice! …My hand had already reached into my pants to soothe my brother, who was a bit teary from excitement…Along the beautifully curved abdomen, down the slightly bulging belly, and further down was a cluster of dark, shiny black forests guarding my sister’s most mysterious section of the womb…that’s my sister’s private parts! …
Sisters between the forefinger lightly touch her secret place, I vaguely see her pink moat, I feel the blood is flowing backward to the head, there is a feeling of dizziness, as if the flesh in front of me is just a dream, but decidedly different …. I couldn’t help but feel a surge of desire to release the millions of sperm inside me …. The hot water clatters and rushes, and she is oblivious to the fact that she is reveling in the comfort of washing her body and the pleasure of touching her private parts, probably unable to hear the whispered gasps of a wolf outside her door!
Cousin finished washing and proceeded to wipe off the drips all over her body with a washcloth. Reaching out on the ledge, she took some pink and white pants, put one foot on, changed to the other, and slowly pulled them up to cover the dark forest. But perhaps the high-waisted panties are too thin, the black forest gradually released water droplets, seemingly reluctant to be wrapped, and slowly traced a dark blurred outline in the panties. Cousin straightened her hair, and then turned to take off the bra, from the front into, adjust the shoulder straps, both hands back to fasten the back buckle, at this moment her peaks have been included in the pink and white cups, but also seems to be reluctant, the bra will support a beautiful arc ….. Then put on the pajamas, put on the pajama pants, exhaled, yikes! A sound of opening the door ….. A black shadow pressed over in a row ….
She probably didn’t have time to shriek before I pushed her into the bathroom, I hugged her hard and pushed her against the wall as she stared at me with wide eyes and an incredulous, shocked look. I monkeyed around and brought my mouth to her cherry lips…and as if she suddenly thought of something… Jerked her mouth away from me, causing me to pounce, only kissing her cheek as her face went from flushed to pale… Started to struggle…” Yoshi! You can’t do this!!!” , she lowered her voice and begged bitterly, bean-sized tears had gradually welled up in her eyes. My left hand pressed down on her breasts, seemed to be able to still feel that firm softness under the bra; my right hand began to pull her pajama pants… “Xiao Xiong! Don’t!!!” I’m going to scream if you don’t.” At this point, I was more like a beast that just wanted to vent than I was…. My mouth was kissing her face, and I murmured vaguely, “Ru! I do like you”, “Ru! Give it to me!!!” , both hands then moved around on her body tugging… “Don’t!!!” , “Please don’t”, “Oooh! ……”, bean-sized tears finally flowed out ….
The cry was like a bolt of lightning that hit me in the head. I couldn’t help but let go of her, and in an instant, the lust that filled me suddenly dissipated… my heart was only filled with regret, remorse, and hurt… It was as if I had gone back to the time when I had done something wrong and made her angry and cry after hours ….. My cousin’s eyes were red as she sobbed, tears dripping down her face ….. I couldn’t help but kneel down…
  “Cousin!”
  “Forgive me!!!”
…Cousin to take care of the clothes, bypassing me, cover the face to seize the door out …. And I, just kneeling in the bathroom, a long time can not help themselves, as if the soul has been dispersed in the air, numb, staring blankly at the wall out of focus, not long, tears rustling bottom flowed down …..
The next day I said goodbye to my aunt, but I did not see my cousin, I heard that she went out early in the morning. Of course, from my aunt s normal look I know that my cousin did not tell her about last night s incident, to which I feel even more uneasy, helpless, I can only leave …. with remorse.
When I got to the platform, I was still fantasizing about whether my cousin would come to see me off. After two trips to the platform, I got on the train in a very helpless and sad way …. Thinking back on the past few days, the difference in mood between the time I came and the time I went is only a thousand times! …. The whistle sounded, the train slowly glided, the scenery outside the window slowly accelerated backward, I touched the pocket, suddenly found that it was the cousin’s underwear… I cherished in the pocket to play with, … feel a burst of acidity, throat seems to be stalked what, and can not spit out.
….. Before pulling away from the platform, I took one more undying look at the station and…noticed the figure of a woman, seemingly similar, looking out across the platform, but the light was so dim that I couldn’t see her face…” It’s her, isn’t it?” , I told myself…The low voice of Tsai Chin came from the platform…
 ”…Love Me Again ~~~~~~”
The corners of my eyes began to moisten and the tears finally flowed again ………….
VII. Circulation
And when I return to that old dream, I find my lost youth. That strange and beautiful song.
When I came back from my cousin’s house, I immediately went up to Successful Ridge. I tried to contact my cousin during the trip, but I couldn’t get in touch with her. I think she was avoiding me, right? It wasn’t long before I left home to go to Chenggongling, it was the first time I had traveled for so long since I was a child, my parents came to the station to see me off, my mom was red-eyed, I comforted her…but in my heart, I felt pain for my cousin’s absence (since I was a child, she has loved me the most, if only…she would have been there to see me off), and when I thought of my sadness, my eyes were a little moist. …..
On the success of the ridge, is the monotonous training of recruits, daily monotonous repetition, the heart has no hope and trust, I tried to write to her, a day a letter, but she only to silence to answer me, did not reply … I gradually write letters as a diary, every day to her to pour out the life of me, the voice of the heart and the idea, but she still did not reply to the letter. The friends around me thought I had made a hopeless girlfriend, and advised me to give up; there were also girls introduced to me, but I just smiled and continued to write my diary. This is the first time I can be so no desire, serious thoughts of a woman, purely spiritual, platonic. What I am looking forward to is just a return to that kind of simple love, you can call it affection or not, love can also be, as long as I can face her, listen to her murmur softly, look at her knitted brows and smile, that’s enough!!!! Really!!! That’s enough!!!
Night after night in my dreams, she comes into my dreams, but before I can call her name, she is gone again. The bitterness of longing and self-reproach gnawed at me, and every time I dreamed in the middle of the night, I was wet with tears. People are always in the loss, only to realize the preciousness of having, I regret that I have learned this lesson at such a great cost.
Coming down from Success Ridge and starting school, I became a freshman. At home and cousin met again, she is vaguely as in the past, but with me to cross the eyes of a less affection, I feel that she is avoiding me. Several times when I was alone with her, I had the impulse to confess to her, but I was afraid of lifting the wounds that she might have solidified. I wanted to say something, but I couldn’t, and she just solved my embarrassment with her usual smile, which remained the same, but I knew that it would be difficult to go back to the old days with her …….. I felt that the fervor of my life was being lost bit by bit, and I became more and more silent…
I couldn’t bear to witness the withering away of affection, it was hurting me more and more with her, so I decided to leave-move out of the house, live in a school building, start my new life, and reorganize my feelings, if they could be organized, if there were any feelings left …… …
Entering the University of W, I began to live a typical freshman’s life – welcoming the new and sending off the old, picnics and barbecues, parties and dances, and under the colorful, busy, and new and curious days, I seemed to gradually forget my cousin’s silhouette. …. People are forgetful, aren’t they? Perhaps my infatuation with her is just a product of the transience of time and space, isn’t it?
I got in touch with Jie again, and she often came to see me, and as the days went by, I seemed to regard her as my girlfriend. This day after dinner, she came to me again, asking me to go to Yangmingshan to enjoy the night view. She was wearing a black T-shirt and a short blue skirt, which emphasized her small but shapely figure. When I came out of my place, she was standing next to my Coyote 125, smiling at me.
  “Get in the car!!!” , I said coolly to her.
Jie sits tamely on her side, wrapping her arms around my waist, an aroma hits me, making my heart swirl a little. A brake, and I felt the touch of Jie’s soft breasts hitting me…
Ah!!!… This salute of youthful flesh ah!!!! …My heart swam, my blood gradually accelerated, and the long-dormant beast in my heart stirred restlessly ……..
When we reached the hill, we found a spot with a good viewpoint overlooking Taipei. The glittering lights dazzled the sky full of stars, I deliberately found a place with good cover and sat down with Xiaojie. The wolf of the wilderness guards its prey and spies on the moment to strike.
My right hand slowly slid towards Xiaojie’s breasts, sliding down from the T-shirt neckline …. Touching the lace edge of her bra, I tested Jie’s reaction, and her body, like a boneless bottom, leaned tamely against my chest. I gathered my doubts and caution about her, and boldly explored the secrets of her flesh …….
By the light of the moon, I glimpsed her bra from the neckline…it was a gorgeous purple color…the lascivious color stimulated my senses…I played with the lace on her bra with my fingers, and the stimulation of the lace seemed to make her heartbeat accelerate…my fingers took advantage of the situation and slipped inside her from the upper edge, touching her soft and moist breasts…the soft touch stimulated me, making me slowly get excited… Her soft and moist breasts…this soft touch stimulated me, making me slowly get excited …. My finger touched the tip of her breast, and I slowly tweaked and stroked it.
…ah!!! …Ru!!! …This is to be considered as your bimbo!!!!
Xiaojie closed her eyes tightly and her whole body shook slightly. My right hand was restlessly aping playing with her small double peaks, her breathing became rapid, her body trembled uneasily ….. I gently stroked my left hand along her thigh, sliding step by step to the root of her thigh …. The root of her thigh touched a pair of silk panties, and I touched the lace of her panties, the cut-outs, and the mysterious garden within them with my hand …. I glanced down and saw that it was also an eruptive purple color …. The black part of the cut-outs, provocative, sends a message of war to my adrenaline… My fingers try to touch it, and the soft protrusion reflects back a slight wetness… Before long… My fingers already feel the moistness that seeps into the panties… …..
This is my first time to do caressing to the girl, my palms seeping sweat, heartbeat accelerated, mouth dry up… I learn the plot of the weekday A book, deeply afraid of a moment of roughness to hurt her ….. My right hand lightly pinched her nipples, my left hand is gently from the panties edge slipped in, straight to explore her the most mysterious section of the palace. Fingers, is the soft pubic hair, with some slightly moist… Xiaojie closed her eyes, seems to be a little intoxicated by my bent; occasionally frowned, as if I hurt her… her breathing is getting more and more rapid… accompanied by my thick gasps… my fingers, explored the Her mysterious canyon …… Ahhh!!!! … a strange touch from the fingertips, as electric current spread throughout my body, full of fire of desire hot burning up … my breathing is getting more and more rapid … Xiaojie’s whole body involuntarily trembling … I feel a wetness Mil Mil from the canyon seep out! …… my lower body a burst of itching …….
Xiaojie opened her eyes, the moonlight reflected on her slightly powdered face, scarlet cheeks, springtime ebony eyes, fragrance like orchids of a woman’s breath… I couldn’t help but slowly lower my head… She looked at me with a smile or a laugh, and my mind went blank… I leaned my lips against her cherry mouth, and she turned around and wrapped her arms around my neck. She turned around and wrapped her arms around my neck, our lips met and a sweet liquid came from her mouth. My hands stopped provoking and exploring her flesh, and I hugged her hard. …. The two of us fervently kissed wildly…two flesh closely interlaced with twisting…this is my first kiss ah!!!!
I can’t help but close my eyes tightly, completely enjoying the primitive desire of my body with my touch. The stimulation of my mouth and tongue, a wave as strong as a wave of impact on the brain, my senses dominate the domination of the whole body, the thoughts in my mind, just a blank …. The woman in front of me seems to be one with the woman deeply rooted in my memory…it’s her!!!! It’s her!!! …I couldn’t help but cry out “
  “As!!!”
Jie stopped like an electric shock, and quickly withdrew her lips, followed by a sharp pain from her right cheek, before I could fully realize, Jie had already stood up with a loud bang, gasping viciously, and I was shocked to see what had happened when I saw her reddened palms. She gritted her teeth, tears welling up in her eyes 🙂
  “I am not your as!!!”
  “I’m Jade!!!”
  “Jie, I ….” , I attempted to plead my case, but found myself unable to find a reason.
  “You go find your Ru well!!!” , Xiaojie’s face scratched down two tear tracks
  “I… I…”, but I don’t know how to explain …..
Xiaojie turned around and went down the hill, I looked at her back getting farther and farther away… but I didn’t know to get up and go after her… Even if I caught up, what would happen?! …I just sat in a daze, like a stone statue…My mind was blank, and there was no urge to cry, I only felt that my body seemed to be separated from my soul, and I was in a haunted state…I don’t know how long it took, but the bright moon was already covered by dark clouds. I got up in a daze, walked down the hill, straddled my Coyote 125, started the engine, and was as confused as a walking corpse.
I raced down the hill, the wind blowing strongly in my face as I contemplated what had just happened, only to get a blank …. Dark clouds began to race and before long, peas of rain fell…a sudden pang of acidity was felt in my chest…I am a sinner!!!! …Hurting a woman and then go to hurt another…I was rambling, the rain fell more and more…My eyes began to blur, could not distinguish between tears and rain…I let the rain soak my whole body, such as to accept the punishment; but also seems to be able to use this to wash away the sins that I have committed offense! …. Two points of light in the distance grew larger and larger, blinding me…my blurry eyes couldn’t distinguish the light…was it the messenger who came to guide me! ………
VIII. Looking back at the past
When soft voices die, music will swell in memories, when sweet violets wither, and the scent of flowers lingers in sensitive olfactory senses. …. Likewise, when you are gone, thoughts will sleep in the land of love.
The point of light is getting bigger and bigger, my eyes get disoriented, and after a moment of blinding dizziness, two déjà vu figures walk toward me …. One is cousin Ru;the other is Jie.
I was probably dreaming!!!! …Only to see them walking towards me with smiles on their faces…my cousin’s usual light smile, while Jie’s was a different kind of smile with a different kind of flavor. I looked at them and saw that they were both naked… I saw two perfectly sculpted goddesses… That kind of beauty is not carnal, but belongs to something other than the mortal world… It makes you marvel and salute… …. If you’ve seen Michelangelo’s Madonna holding Jesus, you can probably imagine what I saw. It was a kind of beauty that people did not dare to look directly at, and it made people feel that they would desecrate them if they looked directly at them. My heart was empty, and there was no desire for it, just a little bit of bewilderment. …..
Cousin smiled at me and her cherry lips parted.
  “Do you like me; or my flesh?” …
I opened my mouth to answer, and Jade spoke up.
  “Do you like me in the flesh, or do you like me?”
I began to fall into a deep doubt, to my cousin, perhaps by the physical attraction, inspired by the long latent feelings, turned to her infatuation, undoubtedly, I like her, but, is it desire or love, what is more important!
And to Jie, her flesh also attracted me, with her, it is very easy and comfortable, without much moral burden. But do I love her?
I can’t answer…just dumbfounded…
Cousin gradually narrowed her smile, a moment of silence, slowly turned away. I hurriedly shouted.
  “Cousin!!!”
  “As!!!”
Cousin looked back at me, tears glistened in her eyes, she was weeping, she looked sad, that was the way she had looked at me that night!!! My heart ached…that look I deplore and will never forget!!!! …. I shouted.
  “Sister!!!! I love you!!!” , the cousin did not answer, traveling further and further away.
On the side of the small jie open wide marvelous eyes, vibration for a moment, and a little puzzled look at me, a long time, a long time, two quotes of tears flowed out. I was a little unbearable, want to say something to her, but she also turned away, slowly walk away, I actually also some heartache…
  “Jie!!!”
  “Don’t go!!!”
Xiaojie turned back to see her crystal eye sockets, glittering with tears, I seem to return to the scene just when she slapped me, the look is exactly the same: anger, doubt, sadness, deplorable, and a trace of reluctance … This look called me hurt and blame myself, I continue to call her name, but she, like her cousin, more and more far away ….
  “As!!!”
  “Jie!!!”
  “Don’t you go away!!!”
The cone of hurt made me hot tears, I just shouted and screamed, but I didn’t have the courage to go after them, if it’s just her, who am I going to chase? I couldn’t help but fall to my knees, holding my knees in pain, tears rustling to the ground …. Suddenly two elongated silhouettes slowly projected onto the ground, they’re back!!!? …I happily, with tears in my eyes looked up …….
In a flash, it was as if I had received an electric shock and my whole body was shaken ….. The flesh of the two goddesses remained the same, but the head was replaced with a male face…
That’s my face!!!!
I slowly regained consciousness in a blur of disorientation and pain… (Wake up! I’m awake!) … (Thank God!!!) …(A few more days of observation and I’ll be discharged!) …(Finally woke up!) …soft sobbing, noisy children, adults talking, pulleys, dripping monitors …. Then there was the smell of medicine, mold, and all sorts of strange and mixed smells… And finally something I was familiar with, a faint girlish scent…it was her!!!!
I opened my aching eyes with difficulty, a pair of beautiful eyes blinking in front of me, long eyelashes, watery eyes…it was my soulful …. Cousin, as !!! …………
I can’t hide the joy in my heart, want to scream, but found that I can’t scream, because my mouth is dry, my whole body is sore, fixed attention to look, arms and legs are cast. I subconsciously move my legs, in exchange for a sharp pain …. Ah!!! …What’s wrong with me!!!?
  “Xiong, you’ve been in a car accident!!!”
  “You don’t even know yourself, do you?!”
  “Went down a slope with the car, and luckily you popped out,”
  “What about the car falling down and being totaled!!!”
  “It’s your life!!!! It’s also the blessing of the ancestors”…The mother, with tears in her eyes, said slowly…
  “After a day in a coma, I don’t know if I’ll wake up?”
  “Mom was worried sick…thank goodness you’re awake.”
  “Ru has been here with you too!”
  “Why are you riding so fast so late?!” , the father chided.
I’m not going to be able to do that. I’ll read him again when I get out of the hospital!!!” , Cousin rounded up…
……….
What they said afterward I couldn’t hear clearly in a daze…my mind was a bit puzzled and seemed a bit happy thinking:(She’s back!!!!! She’s back!!!)
Cousin she had just finished her exams at school and had more time, and mom and dad had to go to work, so she volunteered to stay and watch me. I smiled and stared at her blankly as she lowered her head in embarrassment.
  “You scared everyone to death!!!”
  “If you don’t wake up ah, auntie they are going to collapse!!!”
She put away her laughter and lectured me with a bit of a scolding tone. I just smiled at the corners of my mouth for a long, long time before I finally spoke up: .
  “You’re still back!!!”
What? I’ve been here watching our young master! I’ve been here watching our young master!!!”
“Did you fall and become a fool?”
I just smiled…enjoying the peace and warmth after this rain ….
“Why are you only laughing? Are you really a fool?” I’m not sure if I’m a fool, but I’m a fool.
“Cousin.”
  “?”
  “I…”
  “What?”
  “I’m sorry!!!”
 ”……….”
Cousin lowered her head and was silent, and after a while, said quietly.
“Actually, I got a letter from you.”
“I don’t blame you either.”
I just thought that Xiong has grown up and is no longer the same little brother who followed me back then.”
  “has his own world, feelings, with …..”
  “Desire”
“I don’t blame you, in my mind I think of you as a child who made a naughty, naughty prank that pissed me off and made me cry.”
Sister hopes it’s really just a prank by Xiong.”
  “In the future…don’t do it again…”
  “It’s…better for everyone…”
  “After all, you’re the brother and I’m the sister!!!”
I looked at my cousin gratefully, a little happy and a little sad to accept the new relationship she had established…I swore in my heart that I would never do anything to hurt her again. ….. I will protect her and cherish her until death do us part… My cousin smiled like a flower, and I repeated my vow in my heart ……
It wasn’t long before I fell into lust with her again and ruined the vow with my own hands ……..
…..
IX. It was only then that I was lost.
If I am already active in joy, where is this sorrowful complaint and grief?
With my cousin, we looked at each other like this, she thinking about her mind, and I thinking about mine. I felt an emptiness in my heart, as if the world were so clear and simple that you could live happily with some simple and persistent beliefs; the real world was of course much more real and complex, but on the other hand much more unhappy; there were many surprises, but also pitfalls and dark places, and misery could suddenly appear without you noticing it, and snatch away your joys! …. But I didn’t understand it then, and I didn’t try to understand it. I just buried my head in the sand and enjoyed the illusion of simplicity and happiness in the beautiful world I had built for myself.
I was so absorbed in my own dream, but it wasn’t long before a real girl came to challenge my beautiful new world. A girl with short, pretty hair, looking timidly at the door, holding a bouquet of flowers in her hand, her eyes met mine, causing her to lower her head in embarrassment, and slowly paced in…it was her…Jie.
Jie introduced herself graciously, and I told my cousin that she was my friend; of course, I wouldn’t tell her that the woman whose name I had called out that night was standing in front of her. After a polite greeting, my cousin left on the pretext that she had to go out to buy something. Only Xiaojie and I were left in the hospital room, and there was a strange atmosphere brewing in the air. …..
  “You have such beautiful cousins!!!” , she broke the silence first, I just smiled and didn’t answer.
  “I’m so sorry about the other day!” , she said a little coyly
  “Then I felt something was wrong and I didn’t even know the situation before ….” She had her head down.
I don’t know if it’s a problem. , I pretended not to care to hide my weakness.
I was actually going to say the other day that it would be nice to be together like this every day…”
I snaked and weaved lies. I am an expert liar, I usually have nothing to do but tell little lies, I am used to it, so I can lie without blushing or gasping for breath. People are not incapable of lying, the key lies in the ability to convince themselves to lie, when you lie into a habit, and even turn it into an art, there is no lie that can not be told. Moreover, the bigger the lie, the easier it is to make people fall for it! Lying to Xiaojie, in my standards, of course, can not talk about cheating her feelings, should be said to be my nature in the hope that everything, do not like to hurt others part of the conditioned reflex to make it so! When the intuition to say the truth will hurt, I will tell a lie to smooth it, in order to round the lie, and spread more lies…to the later, even their own can not distinguish between true and false…false to the real false also true…is not it? Real life, and what is always innocent and unchanging?
The irony is that most people are either forgetful of the truth; or they like to hear lies …..
……..
  “OH!!! …Then I really misjudged you and caused you to get into a car accident!!!” , Xiaojie said with a face full of guilt
  “Things are over even!!!” I said.
  “I will make it up to you!!!” , Xiaojie said firmly
  “How to compensate ah!?” , I came up to her ear, “In return for the body good!?”
  “You’re so dead looking!!!” , Jie squirmed and laughed, pinching me and making me squeal in pain…
Xiaojie smiled gloatingly…and slowly paced towards the window, overlooking the scenery outside. The setting sun spread on her face, I looked at her smiling face, suddenly felt that, in fact, Xiaojie is also a very lovely girl, generous and lovely, the body is also good, the nature is simple and healthy… If I can drive away that sentiment in my heart, and start again with her, maybe it is also a good choice.
  “Look!!! The sunset!!! It was just cloudy and the sun came out and it all cleared up!!!” She said happily, like a child ……
YES!!! When the sun comes out, the dark clouds disperse. But where is the sunshine in my life? Is it you? Jie! Or Ru! I don’t know, all I know is that that horrible dream has left me for the time being, but, I know better, if I play this dangerous game again, it will backfire at any time!!!! It’s just that I can’t give up the fun-loving component of my life,…or maybe I’m that dark cloud myself!!!?
After I was discharged from the hospital, my parents insisted that I should move back home, “so that I could be taken care of better”, so I agreed to do so when the next semester started. In the school is to play and study two things, for me, the latter than the former, but only a hair :p… Xiaojie and often come to find me, I am also happy to play with her that forbidden game, but she has been refused to give me, said to wait for a particularly important, so that I can not forget to forget the day. Soon, my birthday arrived ……..
After celebrating my birthday with a group of friends and drinking wine, Jie helped me to stagger back to my place. Xiaojie also a little drunk, wine red cheeks like red ripe peaches, mouth-watering to pick. On the one hand, I have bad intentions, on the other hand, alcohol seems to reduce the moral constraints, I and Xiaojie embraced together, wildly kissing mouth, the two flesh rubbing ….. Our breathing is getting more and more rapid, I can’t help but reach out to unbutton Xiaojie’s coat, hoping to be able to explore each other’s body from the masturbation, sublimated to real physical contact… that I have never played the adult game ah!!!!
Jie tamely allowed me to unbutton her shirt. Her normally generous eyes were now tightly closed and her body was trembling a little, showing the shy side that belongs to a young girl. I kissed her mouth and face, and blew gently into her ear. She seemed to have trouble resisting this gentle attack, and her originally tense and stiff body slowly softened …….
I gently removed her tunic and long skirt, and a flesh like a jade sculpture was presented in front of my eyes. The white Swell-type bra covered two meatballs that seemed to be about to pop out. I undid the back clasp of this bondage, and two plump breasts popped out as if they were liberated. The pink nipples made me want to kiss them… I had already taken off my entire body, and was only wearing close-fitting clothes. I couldn’t help but kiss the nipple, found that it seems to have the life of the quivering… I lightly biting, nibbling and kissing them, Xiaojie body can’t help but sway with the twisting and swaying ……
I followed Xiaojie’s breasts down, through a flat plain, white as snow, followed by a slightly concave valley, which I naughtily stroked with my hand… slowly fading away Xiaojie’s white cut-out panties… a magical, blood-boiling river and mountains unfolded before my eyes… Down below is a slightly elevated plateau with a dark forest overlooking a mysterious moat, and inside, her evocative palace …….
Jie also removed my underwear and shyly examined my dick…
  “It’s so weird OH!…to grow so much hair.”
Jie’s mischievous playfulness made my brother tingle. I gently touched Jie’s private part with my hand, and the milky moistness seeped out from the peach blossom source… it seemed to be guiding me, the fisherman, to explore the secret place of the peach blossom source. My heartbeat accelerated, and Jie’s gasps became more and more rapid… My beads of sweat oozed out…I slowly eased my brother to the doorway of that source stream, lightly touching that doorway…triggering more moisturizing flooding ……….
My carnal desires excitedly drove me forward, and the hesitation and moral restraints of my heart seemed to have been thrown away …. I bravely let my brother push in, letting my scepter pound out the holy water in her newly opened palace ……….
After a dizzying rainstorm, Jie and I were quietly reveling in the pleasure and fatigue of male-female love. She was so tired that she trustingly hugged me to sleep, a smile still hanging at the corner of her mouth. A venting after the emptiness in the body ripples open… look at the blood stains on the bed sheet, I vaguely feel a little wrong, seem to feel sorry for her… heart but also strangely floated up the cousin’s smile ….
Suddenly I felt faced with a hurdle in my life, a choice, and I hesitated, remembering a line from Dante’s Divine Comedy…
  “Beyond this river, there is no hope!!!” ……………….
X. Remember the green dress. Pity the grass everywhere.
How many hearts I thought were dead, but they are all in your chest;
The days flow forward like rapids, and when you are surprised at how fast time flies, you realize that nothing seems to be left but a splattered, wet self.
Xiaojie and I are like Eve and Adam who tasted the forbidden fruit, in addition to physical pleasure, to begin to face the challenges of earthly life; because I don’t like to use condoms, so I always have to tremble for several days every month, fearing that a moment’s pleasure but we have to pay too heavy a price. Often to the little jie “that” came, only as a relief to breathe a sigh of relief. In this way, the two are not yet very mature men and women playing the game belonging to the adult world, but shy to bear the responsibility of adults, after all, the responsibility of what, for us, is a thing too far away, but also too heavy things ….
Xiaojie is actually a good girl, especially after having sex with her, she seems to have shed her shy teenage clothes, and enthusiastically treats me as her only, heartfelt boyfriend, treating me wholeheartedly, which sometimes makes me not help but feel weak. Do I love Xiaojie? Honestly, I don’t know… I can’t clarify whether it’s because of love that I can’t leave her, or whether it’s just carnal desire that makes me unable to bear to leave her? Can not be denied, there is still a subtle affection for her, that kind of feeling … is not special when she is around; she is not there and a bit of emptiness, as if there is something missing, but also not exactly just carnal needs. The desire to share my thoughts with her, even to expose the darker side of my heart, was stronger than the need for sex, but I couldn’t bear to frighten or even hurt her by seeing her carefree happiness and innocence; I was even ashamed of myself for not being able to get rid of the fantasies I had about my cousin… a guilt that made me very good at cajoling her and spoiling her. Occasionally I tell a little lie to smooth my indecisive personality to her coldness and neglect ……
The days went by with what I thought was a stitched up ambiguity. My friends had long thought of us as a couple, and I think Jie thought of us that way, too! I just couldn’t quite convince myself to accept her wholeheartedly. That said, we spent more and more time together, sometimes skipping classes to go to Yangmingshan, or taking trails to climb the Seven Star Mountain, and enjoying the conquering feeling of having a view of all the mountains from the top. I realized that I dreamed of my cousin less and less often, and my vision of her face became more and more blurred…but there was still a trace of unspeakable regret in my heart ……
Perhaps what I lacked was another bone-crushing wound that would kill me completely to my cousin!!!?
Not long after winter vacation, I moved back home. On the day of packing, Xiaojie came to my place to help me. With red eyes, she helped me pack silently. Looking at her slender figure, I had a feeling of reluctance. I comforted her by saying that we would see each other again in the future, and that I was just moving back home, not stopping coming to school. Besides, she’s going home for winter vacation, right? I do not coax okay, a coaxing her tears actually rustling down, the cardboard box are wet. She pale face, look much more haggard than usual, and finally she rubbed her tearful eyes and forced me to smile and said, then you have to call me often in the future ah! I’ll be waiting for you,” she said. Looking at her miserable face, listening to her choking account, the heart actually deplored ….. I also love her ah! We kissed, more intense than usual serious ….
Mom and Dad went to the U.S. for the holidays, and my cousin and I were the only ones left at home. My cousin had a part-time job as a tutor during the winter vacation, and my mother was relieved that she could take care of me, the youngest, because she was at home. I had just said goodbye to Jie, and I didn’t have the space or preparation in my heart to accommodate a third party, so the two of us stayed together for a few days. She went to tutor during the day, I went with my group of friends to fool around, knocking teeth, pressure road, and sometimes go to find Xiaojie, tell each other the song. Only I had to come home for dinner every night, it was mom’s rule that my cousin would cook for me. Two people at the table to eat, face to face, but a little bit of home illusion, but the heart is very strange to remember the appearance of Xiaojie. In fact, my heart is still secretly grateful to Xiaojie, she used her pure love, slowly took me away from the dark corners of my heart, at least at that time I think so …………
Tonight I came home early, and when I entered the door, I found that my cousin was not yet back. So I first went to the kitchen to get a cup of juice to drink, wash the rice by hand and put it into the electronic pot to cook. Then I hugged a magazine and nestled in the living room to watch TV ….. I fell asleep while watching it. It was almost eight o’clock when I was woken up by the sound of my cousin opening the door. Cousin was apologizing.
  “Sorry, something came up so I got held up ….”
  “You haven’t eaten yet, have you! I’ll go cook it right away…”, my cousin paced towards the kitchen, and I noticed that her eyes were slightly red …..
I stayed in the living room for a while, feeling something was wrong, so I came to the kitchen. My cousin was wearing a bib with her back to me, looking down as she chopped vegetables, and I could vaguely hear the sound of low sobbing ….
  “Cousin, are you okay!?”
  “Uh…”
  “I don’t think you should be busy, I’ll just go outside and buy it back for dinner!”
“Are you crying?”
I walked up to her, and she deliberately put her head down, and I could vaguely see two lines of tears trailing down her face….
  “No! It’s just chopping onions and getting fumigated ….”
  “I thought someone was bullying you!!!”
  “If anyone sense to bully you, I will kick his ass.” , I said out loud, as if the bad guy had been kicked down to my feet.
 ”…..”
My cousin kept her head down and continued to chop vegetables, and I could see her teardrops dripping down ….
  “Sister! What’s going on?”
  “No! ….” , she turned away and seemed to suppress something
  “Woo~~~”
She finally couldn’t help but cry out, and I was a little panicked, as if I had done something wrong and made her angry, so I just slowly leaned toward her and patted her shoulder. She sobbed, her whole body trembling, I coaxed her, as I usually do with Xiaojie ……..
I slowly leaned toward her back, not intentionally want to eat tofu, just Xiaojie every time you cry I must do this, to provide her with a can rely on and tears of the arm. The two of us are getting closer and closer, I put my arms around her and slowly …. I took her into my arms …..
She seemed to think of something, and her body shuddered, as if surprised at my abruptness.
I just whispered in her ear.
  “It’s okay… It’s all in the past…”
She seems to feel my goodwill, no longer struggling, I softly comforted her, she slowly turned around, simply lying on my chest to cry a painful, I was surprised at the usual so introverted to the emotions of her, but in front of me so revealing temperament, can not help but be a little touched up. She sobbed in my arms, seems to have suffered endless grievances, my chest was gradually soaked with her tears …… The original hands around her actually do not know how to place, can only clumsily pat her back, just like after hours she to my scene… She choked, I feel a sense of intimacy brewing, in the midst of the nonsense, found that his eyes actually also red …. I just don’t know what I’m crying about?
XI. Let us sing through the mountains
Since the sun has a daily turnover of old and new, my love will always bring back old words.
She sobbed in my arms, time seems to rewind, back to childhood under the eggplant winter tree, it was a summer afternoon, the cicadas stirring eulogy this belongs to their season. The camera is a little boy lying in the arms of the little girl crying, the little girl is only a head taller than the boy, but is like a small adult is persuading him …….
  “Xiao Xiong, what’s wrong? Who bullied you, speak to sister”, my cousin lowered her head and soothed me with her gentle hand …..
  “That ade la… Woo~~~, snatched the paper airplane you made, and even broke it… I cried as if I had encountered the saddest thing in the world…
  “It’s okay!… Don’t cry, Sister will just make another one for you!” , she coaxed me
  “Well! But it’s going to be better than the original one OH…”, I responded with a broken smile…
  “Alright…stop crying!!!!! …Growing up so big and still love to cry, shy face…” , she draws face to make fun of me …..
Memory is a song with forgotten lyrics, you forget the details, but the melody is unforgettable, and it often brings a stirring of the heart in some unfathomable moments.
I seem to be back to that summer afternoon, the melodious cicadas seem vaguely recognizable ……
Ah! Are you still willing to make that long-forgotten paper airplane for me tonight?
After a long, long time, her head gently left my chest and looked at me gratefully. I was pulled back to reality from my distant imagination, she seemed a little embarrassed and lowered her head …..
  “I’m sorry, I…lost my temper!” , she said in a barely audible voice
  “Want to talk about it?” I asked carefully.
She hesitated and shook her head with an apologetic look 🙂
  “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to trouble you to eat out tonight…”
It’s all right! You… Do you want me to bring you anything?” .
  “No, I want to go to bed early…”
  “Well, then this is good, you don’t have class tomorrow, I’ll take you for a walk in the countryside okay…”
She smiled noncommittally, and the traces of undried tears glistened on her fair face, adding a chutzpah …..
  “Then you go to bed early, don’t get any ideas, I’m not taking a pussy bear to play oh tomorrow!!!! …”
  “Uh-huh!” , she responded obediently, like a little girl, a smile rippling across her face ….
It was a sleepless night, and I seemed to be still intoxicated by that distant memory. The part of my chest that was wet with tears seemed like I could still feel her body heat and her soft breasts. Memories mixed into the thoughts, memories of early childhood continue to flood into the mind … the difference is that her young sweet innocent face has been transformed into a youthful and beautiful girl; that year that hangs two lines of snot little boy, whether it is as in the past, or has been missing his childish innocence, become a wolf who seeks for carnal desires? I do not understand to ask myself, the moonlight from the window to spread in, seems to be a silent response to …..
I turned over, the shadow reflected on the wall transformed into a cousin’s light smile, Ying Ying smiled; and suddenly turned into a small Jie Gege’s smiling face, a moment, and then changed into my face. I seem to hear and see the cicadas under the eggplant winter tree…the pool of delicate cloth bag lotus flowers… The glittering water, a line of egrets in the blue sky…the towering betel tree…the night scene on Saigon Hill…Jie’s smiling face…the lawn of the university…the spiked building…the sky…the sky…the sky…the sky…the sky…the sky…the sky…the sky…the sky…the sky…the sky…the sky…the sea. The steeple building…the wild ginger flowers…the starry sky…the twinkling devil’s lights at the ball… Flowers… Trees… Sky…kites …my face grinning wickedly …….
A strong sense of loss came silently, I tried to grab something, but I could not grab anything, just my body kept falling down ….. I woke up with a start and sat up, the tear tracks on my chest had dried, but I realized that the pillow had been moistened with a large piece of my tears …..
Early the next morning, I was downstairs whistling and waiting for my cousin, like a happy child. My cousin came downstairs with a smile on her face. She wore a white gauze blouse and dark pants. Water sleeves fluttering in the wind, due to the backlight, the sunlight reflects her seems to glow, her slender figure is hidden, with a light smile, for a moment, I actually looked dumbfounded. Sister Ru looked at me with a silly look on her face, and asked in an amused and angry manner.
“Never seen a girl before?”
  “Yeah!” , I replied narrowly.” I thought it was a fairy!!!”
  “You OH!!!! …. Even sister is making fun of…”, she seems to smile, cheeks slightly red, seems a little embarrassed, more with a flirtatious. I also accompany the smile, a good bright day!!!!
Just in the midst of heckling, we caught a bus and left this crowded basin, racing toward the supine Kannon that we saw day after day.
After crossing the rice paddies, farmhouses and ponds, we came to the hiking trail. At first it was a big uphill climb over many graves, with the sound of the wind and the chirping of wild birds coming from the dark forest, and the chirping of the autumn bugs, and the wind whistling…We started to climb …..
Sister Ru was at the front and I was at the back. As the slope rose and fell, I could vaguely hear her panting… I looked up and saw that her blouse was drenched in sweat, and I could vaguely see the traces of her sweaty bra, and when I lifted my feet, the traces of lust in her panties were also visible. …. I held back the flames of desire in my chest and secretly rebuked myself for my blasphemous thoughts.
  “Just take a break!” , I kindly reminded .
  “Mmm…”, Sister gasped, and I saw the beads of sweat condensing on her nose, glowing in the sunlight reflection …. The flushed cheeks lined her originally fair complexion even more delicate.
  “This is less scenic and more tiring at first, just hang in there a little longer.” , I encouraged, handing her the water bottle. Sister nodded and stubbornly began to climb up again …….
After some sweating and panting, we climbed the first hill.
  “There it is!!!” , Sister cheered happily, like a little girl. I followed and climbed to the top of the hill.
The cool breeze coming off the mountain is forgettable. A large crowned vulture hovers in the distance, making whirring cries that add a bit of desolation to the bleak scenery. In the distance is the outlet of the Danshui River, while on the opposite bank are the Datun Mountain, the Seven Star Mountain…and closer still are the Bali and Longshang ferry ports. The Danshui River meanders out to sea like a jade belt, reflecting the white clouds in the sky, I explained.
  “This Zhanshan ah, and some people call her small Fuji Mountain, you see the scenery beautiful?” Sister nodded her head.
  “See that high and low on a couple of hills?” , I pointed my finger.
  “Just go over them and you’ll get to the tallest mountain across the way, see?” “The one with the spikes.”
  “That’s our destination-Guanyin Mountain.” Sister spat out her tongue at that.
  “Still so far away??” , she reads petulantly.
I’m sure we’ll make it in time to see the famous Danshui sunset,” I encouraged. We’ll probably be in time to see the famous Freshwater Sunset”, I encouraged.
  “Then go quickly!!!” Sister happily urged, look at her smile, as if last night’s unpleasantness has faded into thin air.
  “Yeah!!! Let’s race to see who can climb faster …..” , I responded with bravado, running at a fast pace ……
My sister and I had a pleasant conversation along the way, talking about our views on life, the past of our hours, school life… How I wish the days could go on like this, I even secretly expect that Mt. Cham has endless peaks to climb over …….
Resting in the shade of a tree at noon, we happily ate the sandwiches she had made in the morning, and she smiled at me, as if we were a little couple, secluded in this countryside …..
  “It’s nice to get out and walk!!!” , she said happily, and I chimed in : “Yeah!!!” .
  “Sister…, your that… Uh… Boyfriend… doesn’t ever take you out for a walk?”
Sister was silent for a while, a trace of sadness seemed to creep up between her eyebrows, she said quietly, looking down.
“Let’s not talk about him today, okay?”
  “OH!…I’m sorry!!!” , I said apologetically, and there seemed to be more than a little discomfort in the air as I tried to break the ice ….
  “Sister, remember the song you taught me when I was little?…” , I hummed lightly …….
  “Outside the long pavilion, by the ancient road, the grass is blue ……….” The sister also softly and up ….
  “A jug of turbid wine for the rest of the night, this~night~don’t~dream~of~cold ~~~~~~~~”
A cool wind blew, the sky and the earth were long, the white clouds were charmed, as if only our songs, and the sound of the wind, lingered in the empty valley ………
After a lot of efforts, we climbed over the Cham Mountain and joined the summit trail of Guanyin Mountain. At that time, it was already the end of autumn, and although the five-sectioned mangoes on the mountain were already gradually dying, they were still swaying in the wind under the setting sun, seeming to show their last wind… The sunlight reflected off the mango flowers, coloring the stone slabs of the trail into red…. My sister and I walked shoulder to shoulder, as if a couple walking on the red carpet, accepting the blessings of the autumn wind and autumn insects ….
When we reached the top of the Hardy Ridge of Guanyin Mountain, the entire outlet of the Danshui River was in full view. The setting sun scattered ten thousand points of golden light, and the white clouds were rapidly changing. As she stood at the windy outlet, strong winds blew head-on, blowing her blouse suitably against her body, and she seemed to be mesmerized by the picturesque view of the river and mountains ……
  “I love you!!!” , I shouted down the hill as hard as I could, my voice becoming broken and muffled due to the wind.
  “Xiong, what are you shouting?” , Sister smiled and asked, smiling like a flower ….
  “Nothing!” .
  “Sister, if you have any pain, shout it out hard and you’ll be comfortable OH!”
At my urging, she circled her mouth and yelled down the hill, “I ……….”
I thought I heard her respond, “I know ~~~~~~~~~~~~”
XII. The night is cold and empty for the tears of the people
I say, alas! My tender heart moans to abide, and drinks in that sweet silence, and sinks into dreams
My cousin and I descended the stone steps, and after passing through graves, bamboo forests, and rice paddies, we arrived at the ferry terminal just in time to catch the first ferry to leave. The ferry blew its whistle and drove slowly, its side breaking through the river, forming a streak and a small whirlpool. …. Cousin pretty stood on the bow, the river wind blowing, will be her hem water sleeve blowing fluttering up, as the goddess in the Luo Shen Fu. The setting sun will be down, the sky red haze reflected in the river water, and reflected in the face of the sister, will be her face stained with a touch of red …. I looked at her pretty face, actually have a few points of infatuation. Her eyes looked at the sky, as if boundless… I followed her eyes, the setting sun at the end of the sea and sky as a ball of fire, rolling agitation throughout the distant sea seems to boil up… closer is the red evening sun, and then the cousin’s face, I seem to be intimidated by the great sights of nature, but also seems to be captured for the cousin of the beautiful red color of the face, and the beautiful red color of the face. For a moment, I was so moved that I couldn’t speak ………
I got off the ferry with my sister in Danshui, and the sun was already setting in the west. We found a restaurant and went in for seafood. I ordered some seafood and a bottle of White Rose.
  “They say it’s best to drink some wine with seafood to get rid of the fishy odor,” I explained, pouring myself a glass.
I encouraged her, and she seemed to be in a good mood.
  “Well! Try it!” , I filled her glass as well and she took a sip.
  “Ah! I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to drink it, but it’s a good idea to drink it. I’m not sure if it’s a good idea, but I’m sure it’s a good idea to drink the whole cup.
  “Wow!!!… Sister!… You’ll get drunk if you drink like that”, “This wine has a strong backseat!!!” , I discouraged.
She grunted another drink.” Hee hee!!!” , she grinned at me, the alcohol making her cheeks bright and colorful, and I couldn’t help but look away again ……
My sister and I caught a passenger train to end the day up and down the mountain. She seemed to be having a great time, laughing frequently, maybe the booze was slowly kicking in!!!! She was slightly drunk and tired, and fell asleep on my shoulder… As the bus moved uphill, her body relaxed and leaned on me, and a girlish scent slowly rushed into her nose. The evening wind blew over, her hair flying up, lightly touching my face, a tickle from the heart slowly came to life …… I lowered my head and kissed her lightly, she breathed steadily, her eyes slightly closed, seemingly unaware. The neckline of the undulating chest is facing me, I gulped, just a hint of alcohol in the cool wind seems to have been dispersed, but the heart of the desire to slowly rise in the expansion of ……
I explored her neckline, which opened and closed with the shaking as the car traveled, and could faintly see the flesh-colored corset. I was bold enough to gently undo her first clasp, and the whole of her moving breasts were before my eyes …. Her bra was flesh-colored, with some cut-out flowers on the cups in a simple style. Between the two cups there was an embellished fake jewel shining… I was a little excited… Her breasts were vaguely visible from the edge of the bra… I tried to recall, what kind of youthful flesh was under the bondage package? I used my hand to touch her breasts lightly through her clothes, taking advantage of the bumps in the car, pretending to be careless, feeling the texture of the bra and the touch of her flesh. ….
As the sun sets, my shadowy kingdom begins to take over, the drums of adrenaline pounding, urging my animalistic nature to awaken. …. The moral and erotic defenses are falling down, and the carnal needs are launching another charge, hoping for a great and decisive victory, as lust is unstoppable in a river ……..
Stumbling to help my sister up the stairs, she was already drunk and had to be carried on her back. I circled her hands around my neck, hands holding her hips, step by step up the stairs, her soft breasts and buttocks stimulate my senses, my palms slightly sweaty …. She murmured, her mouth as vague as possible read …….
  “I love you so much, …. Why ……” and then a burst of incoherence…
Is that a reference to me? I wondered.
  “Still Being Good With Someone Else …. Lied to me ….” , I couldn’t help but break out in a cold sweat…was that about me and Jie? I managed to open the door and enter the living room
  “Wicked ~~~~~~”, she vomited all over me, had no choice but to carry her to her room, to paper haphazardly wipe away the vomit, spread her flat on the bed. I walked to the bathroom, changed the clothes that she vomited on, thinking that my cousin is the most clean, vomiting like this must be drunk. What asshole broke her heart and got her drunk? I shrugged and fetched a basin of water to my room to help her scrub.
I unbuttoned her shirt, and the whole of the breasts I had just spied in the car were on display. I gently stroked them, feeling the touch of those breasts with my hand through the bra. I realized that her vomit had gotten on the edge of the bra and a little bit of her breasts. Curiosity got the better of me and I wanted to take advantage of it. I pretended to help her wipe her body. I reached behind my back and undid the back clasp of her bra, and her two breasts popped out like peaches after breaking free from their restraints. I gently wiped away the dirt, and then examined her firm bosom, and couldn’t help but gently caress them with my hands, and the elastic youthful flesh quivered …… I gently use my tongue to moisten them, and kiss them with my mouth …… ah!!! …. The flesh I have longed for!!!! …is my cousin’s!!!! …….. She seemed to be sleeping soundly, making me more and more bold.
I pulled down the zipper of her pants and attempted to remove them, and in a half-drunken stupor, she wriggled her legs to match me. What appeared before my eyes was my cousin’s naked upper body, the lower half of which was wearing a pair of Wacoal’s flesh-colored panties, high-waisted, with an intricate floral pattern, and the cut-out portion of the panties was translucent with a black haze, which seemed to be provoking my senses… My lower body burst with a sticky, wet indulgence, so I gently rolled her over on her side, gently pulled her panties down, faded them down to her knees, and then rolled them back up to the front, and gently quietly stripping the last of her restraints from her body.
I scrutinized her mysterious valley. Her pubic hair is more and curly than Xiaojie, black and shiny, I gently tweaked it with my hand, at this time, I felt swollen and uncomfortable in my lower body, so I also took off my pants, and my brother stood tall at the top, the front end was wet, and it seemed to be praying for contact with my sister. I gently ruffled the pubic hair, two fingers along the deep valley and down …. That’s my sister’s mysterious palace!!!! …I inwardly cried out in surprise…Under the touch of my fingers, the moat seemed to moisten…I couldn’t help but gently touch and moisten her with my tongue…My sister seemed to be feeling something and twisted her body a little…I tasted a strange, never-before-tasted The sweet and sour taste of her lower body gave off a strong passionate body odor that stimulated my senses… My brother was already sobbing with pleasure… I gently pressed my brother against her uterus, gently sliding and rubbing, feeling a burst of experience that I had never had with Jie… …. A rush of hot desire hit my heart… “PUT IT IN!!!” , “Stick it in!!!” ,…her lower body was already flooded with juices and seemed to be welcoming the entry of the battle of power…my mind went blank…my lower body accelerated its friction…
  “Yumin!!! …DON’T!!!” , she moaned a nightmarish cry ……
Cousin’s voice shouted like a thunderbolt to my head, my whole body trembled like an electric shock, the desire in my heart seemed to be swept away, a strange sense of self-blame, a sense of regret surged to my heart ……
  “Yukmin!!!” “Yuk-man?” “Yuk-man?” I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
Why him! …My mind was filled with a mixture of pain and self-pity…
  “You’re not Yukmin!!!” I asked myself in agony.
  “She’s your sister!?” I was struggling inside.
  “Remember the vows you made at the hospital?!” I’ve been kicking myself for a long time.
  “Have you forgotten about Jie??” The smile of Jade’s face flashed across my heart like lightning.
  “Do you love her? Don’t you want to hurt her now?!”
  “And what shall it be to obtain her flesh??”
  “Will you be happy?! …Will she and her??” …
The sad expressions of my sister and Jie with tears in their eyes clearly surfaced in my mind…the nightmares of the past seemed to be vivid in my mind again.
In the heart of a few turns after the war, desire seems to have been disarmed, the heart suddenly felt a burst of clarity, I Huo stood up, helped her pull the quilt on, gently kissed her lips. Like a knight on the march… She seems to have gotten rid of the nightmare, is dreaming beautifully, the corners of her mouth in a shallow smile …… I left a note on her desk.
Because you were drunk last night and threw up all over your body, I had to help you remove your clothes and scrub you clean, please believe me, I didn’t do anything to violate you…
When I was writing the note, I felt an inexplicable soreness in my nose, and a tear dripped down, making the word “Xiong” faint. …………
XIII. In the Smoke and Water
No period of time can be set for my true love, though it is presumed to be sacrificed to its destined doom.
Wake up from sleep is already 10 o’clock in the morning, last night’s erotic struggle is like a dream. The sun was streaming in through the window, shining brightly all over the room…I guess that’s what they call a sunburned ass! After freshening up and pacing to the dining room, I found a toasted bread and a glass of milk, and under the glass there was a note pressed, which was left by my cousin.
Thank you for everything. There’s your breakfast on the table for today, I’m off to class, so go have fun on your own!
Looking at the elegant handwriting on the note, my sister’s smiling face seemed to emerge from the signature, and her scent could still be felt in the air. It is just that she usually used to leave “Sister”, but today why did she change it to “Ru”? In my heart, I was a little puzzled, but another sweet feeling surfaced. I thought about all the things last night, it seems a little unreal, like experiencing a dream, just afterward it is difficult to remember the details of the dream. It was like a dream of a butterfly, waking up suddenly wondering about my own existence. Until I went to the bathroom to wash my hands, and found the body that I had helped her change out of last night, I denied my doubts. I turned it up, and inhaled the body odor left in her body, as if to review last night’s situation.
I asked myself, if I had the chance to do it all over again, what would be my choice?? I don’t know!!! I really don’t know! There was just no way to be as natural with her as I was with Jie, and a sense of guilt surfaced in my heart when I thought of Jie. With a strange sense of guilt, I made a call to Xiaojie as a thief, asking her to come out to meet me, but I didn’t know if I was trying to explain or make up for something.
Straddling my new motorcycle, I throttled up and raced toward Freshwater.
Xiaojie lowered her head, hugged me tightly around my waist, and pressed her breasts against my back, seemingly tickling me. Pressed on my neck face, from time to time mohawked, occasionally let out a giggle, she seems to be very happy today with me on a trip; I was thinking about this moment yesterday, on the opposite bank of the mountain, probably was singing with his cousin, right?! I can’t help but hum softly ……
  “Beyond the Long Pavilion, by the Ancient Path, the Grass is Blue ~~~~~~~~”
  “What song are you singing?” , Xiaojie asked with great interest
  “The ends of the earth, the corners of the earth, the acquaintance half-zero ~~~~~~~~~”
  “Nothing! A song from my childhood.” , I responded.
  “Did the teacher teach it? Why aren’t we taught??” , she asked with a beak.
  “A friend taught me.” , I silenced up …. A friend? Is it a friend?
  “OH!…it’s pretty good, sing it again, will you?” , she pouted…
With a twinge of guilt for her, I deliberately ingratiated myself with her as if to atone for my sins. So I hummed again. The sunshine had been covered by dark clouds at some point, so it was probably going to rain soon, right? On the other side of the river, Guanyin Mountain was misty, as if it was full of water. I suddenly remembered a painting by XI Dejin. The composition was almost the same, and the feeling of rain on the mountain was shown in his watercolor strokes. Where did I see that painting? I thought back, and was suddenly shocked that it was in my cousin’s room! The face of Guanyin Mountain reflected in the sea was blurred, but the reflection of the mountain was transformed into a woman’s face, the wind was hurting my face, the wind was whistling, Xiaojie was sticking her whole body on my back, practicing the melody that she had just learned…
And yet I was thinking of my cousin at this most inopportune moment.
The locomotive crossed rice paddies, farmhouses, and startled a silk egret. I suddenly turned toward a small road. The asphalt road had turned into a stone paved industrial road, and the car was moving along at the top, with Jie holding me nervously, as if afraid of falling off. As the car slid down the road, it stirred up a lot of sand and gravel, and a cloud of smoke formed as the dust billowed up. It seemed that this road had not been visited for a long time, and the grass around it stirred up many birds. After traversing the sand and dust, a picture-perfect landscape came into view.
  “Ah!!! It’s Haiye!!!” , Xiaojie jumped out of the car with a leap of faith.
I parked the car, removed my shoes and socks, and walked with her to the beach.
This is a beach still unspoiled by tourists. The soft sea sand was comfortable to tread on, and the waves coolly agitated our feet as the tide came in and out. Jie and I walked easily on the beach, the tide came in with an amazing sound, but broke into thousands of snow-white waves near the shore, and after emptying the beach of all it had to offer, it merged back again.
I pondered in disbelief whether my body, like the tide, could be redeemed and integrated into a whole soul that would rise up after falling into the darkest and deepest abyss and breaking into thousands of pieces? I can’t help but be dumbfounded at the thought ……
  “Hey! You don’t walk so fast!!!” Jie complained.
  “You man OH!!!! , also do not know what is thinking?” , she beamed with a small, moving look.
Embarrassed, I stopped and waited for her, taking her hand and pacing slowly. The beach left long footprints, the tide coming and going, from clear to blurred.
  “It’s so beautiful here OH!!!” , Xiaojie marveled.
  “If only we could live here forever!!!”
  “So what are you going to eat?” , I asked with a smile.
  “Eat fish! You go fish, I’ll cook, and you can go home with enough fish to eat every day!” Xiaojie replied seriously. I couldn’t find words to refute her beautiful dream.
Yes!!! A simple life, a simple goal, the ideal itself is to live well …… I felt a flutter at her simplicity. In the depths of my heart, I seem to have lost this pure joy for life. Reflecting on myself, as I grow older, it’s not all about the so-called maturity and sophistication, but rather a process of cocooning and alienation! Alienated from people, alienated from oneself, forgetting the ability to move, losing the ability to dream, only through the desecration and violation of its flesh again and again to prove its existence. Ask yourself, what is it that you seek? I am afraid it is a bunch of question marks, isn’t it?
  “We can still have some little babies!!!! That would make it more like home!!!” , she said happily.
What’s your name? Yoke? This word is actually in the heart from vague and gradually become clear ……..
Boom!!! Lightning like a granite dragon split the sky in two, the sea wind suddenly grew strong and the sea water surged, water birds flew into the windbreak, and the sky and the earth seemed to change color.
  “It looks like it’s going to rain!!!”
Before I could finish my sentence, a huge rain fell down, along with the rumble of thunder, as if it wanted to seize people. Xiaojie and I ran as fast as we could, and the rain hit our faces a bit painfully.
  “There’s an abandoned bunker up ahead, go hide from the rain!!!” , I took her hand and ran fast.
When we entered the bunker, we were already drenched. Fortunately, this bunker is quite large, there are many dead branches on the ground, I picked some, took out a lighter and lit up. Xiaojie leaned over to roast the fire.
  “Now that’s a real way to stay over here!!!” , we both laughed at each other.
The flames burned slowly as they ignited the dead branches. Dry wood, fire. The bunker gradually warmed up, but there was a sense of a room full of spring light. The red light of the fire reflected in Xiaojie’s slightly red cheeks, flickering and flickering, beads of sweat slowly condensed in her small nose, she reached out to sow ruffled hair, there are a few stems of hair due to sweat and wet and sticky in the back of her snow-white neck, I looked at her, it seems to be both familiar and unfamiliar to her. Xiaojie ruffled the fire, looked back at me, expression like a smile. I felt my heart and soul stirred, I couldn’t help but hug her with both hands from behind, gently touching her soft and elastic breasts. Xiaojie leaned on my chest as if she was boneless.
I gently slipped my hand into her neckline, and she closed her eyes, the firelight reflecting on her scarlet cheeks, bright and colorful. I gently played with her breasts, her body slightly trembled, seemingly intoxicated by my caresses. I lowered my head and covered her cherry lips with my lips. A burst of electric shock like feeling from the tip of her tongue, accompanied by a burst of liquid came, my whole body also shivered up ……. I gently undid the restraints on her body and laid my jacket on the floor, slowly flattening her body. I slowly removed my clothes, my penis stood tall, like a cactus that lacked sweet rain for a long time, Xiaojie looked at actually shy, and closed her eyes. I gently kissed her behind the ear, neck, peaks, hill, with the tip of the tongue gently teasing her peach blossom source. She twisted her waist, seemingly resisting, but also like to cater to, in her swing to the maximum amplitude, my little brother gently slipped into her peach blossom source … she was provided with the greatest tenderness and moist ……..
I give up the usual fierce and exuberant venting, turn to her most gentle treatment; Xiaojie’s breathing gradually rushed up, I took advantage of the situation to turn over, letting her dominate this gentle offensive …… After a burst of wind and rain rush sprinting, with the sky rushed down a loud thunder, I ejected all my, to the flowers of Xiaojie moisturize and go! …….
The two flesh seems to still want to finish, indulging in this primitive desire to taste after the satisfaction. Xiaojie is lying on my chest lazily and weakly, playing with my chest hair. I was afraid that she would catch a cold, so I gently pulled her jacket over her, and gently leaned down to play with her earlobes. The running of heaven and earth seemed to have slowed down and stood still… For a long, long time, Xiaojie suddenly asked me.
  “Yuu! …Do you love me? “
I seemed to be overwhelmed by the question, hesitated for a moment, and answered without being quite sure of myself.
  “Of course I love you!”
A low head, only to find that she was already in my arms in a deep sleep, just asked, but it is actually ravings. But this murmur is like a fine needle repeatedly stabbed my heart, I love her? ……
And outside, the wind and rain have stopped, leaving only drops on the steps.
Heavy rain at first break, the sea slowly up the smoke and arashi, smoke and water, a color, but it is a foggy piece, a little bit of a sense of inauthenticity. Farther away from the sparse fishing fires, the heart of the sudden rise of a wave of feelings of pain on the small Jie, I lowered my head and kissed her forehead, she was in my arms in a deep sleep, a small face is still rippling with smiles…..
In the distance, the sound of fishing boat motors can be clearly heard, a soft song mixed in, intermittent, but vaguely recognizable melody …. It’s Liu Wenzheng’s “Promise”.
  “I made a promise for you~~~~~~~~~~~~…………”
XIV. Nothing is what it seems after a thousand sails.
Heh! Roll me away, like a falling leaf, a wave, a streaming cloud! I fall on the thorny tree of life, and I bleed all over!
If you say that the day is a song, there are high excitement, there is a low back and forth, there is laughter and sadness, there is also the repetition of the melody. I would rather draw a break in this, in my conscious of the most beautiful melody; helpless, whether you want it or not, the day is still PASS, and even with a sad melody in progress.
Hovering between the two women, love and desire, I gradually learned what I should choose and what I should part with, at least at that time, since returning from my trip to Danshui. I decided to hold down that affection, or rather monstrous love, for my cousin!!!! , to let it go with the wind. Open my heart and let Jie’s love stuff it. However, when you say the same, the pain and frustration in life, more pick you are not careful when quietly approaching you, you take for granted, or should be as it is, in the reality of life under the trials and tribulations, is not the same thing. It’s hard to see the myth of Prince Charming and Snow White in the world, but if you want to find it, go to the fairy tale!
Time flies, four years of college life in the spring and fall in the chronological change, soon came to an end. My relationship with Jie had its ups and downs, but it developed smoothly; my feelings for my cousin seemed to have spread farther as she graduated and moved away from my home to work outside. But the love fairy tale that has not been tempered for real life, just like many stories you have heard, in the time and space gap, the pressure of real life, even if there is a vow, it is still fragile disintegration, leaving behind just, another sad memory ……
With graduation, I naturally didn’t go on to higher education as I didn’t work very hard. So I enlisted in the army as a soldier in anticipation, and Xiaojie, too, stepped out of the campus, as a social freshman. Being fucked in the new training center made me, who had been pampered since I was a child, see the real and dark side of the society for the first time. The use of the draw down the army before the period of family leave, I can not wait to go to find Xiaojie, a relief of the pain of longing.
Xiaojie wore a red bean-colored fitted dress and came out of her house with a smile; I, on the other hand, cut a small flat head, and my usual self-confidence and arrogance seemed to have been rubbed out. Look at Xiaojie, look at my own poor appearance, I am a little self-conscious. It is Xiaojie took the initiative to hold my hand, just like when I was in college, naturally, the two paced to the riverbank near. It was nearly dusk, the setting sun shone on the Xindian River, the waves of light selection, reflecting the riverside rushes glittering bright. The two of us sat on the embankment, and talked about how things had been going since we left. Xiaojie happily talked about her new job, her boss’s embarrassing stories, and the fun of teasing those colorful old men; I, on the other hand, seemed to be a person from another world, and the whole life seemed to have only a few grammatical rules.
“had been fucked, be fucked, and will be fucked”… Compared to her colorful and varied life, my life seems to be much more empty and uninteresting. So I could only be a quiet listener, sharing Jie’s excitement and giggles. As the sun set on her face, her smile remained the same, but I gradually felt a sense of loss in my heart, I don’t know why, probably because of the regret of not being able to walk through life hand in hand with her again…!
  “Look, the sunset is so beautiful!” , I pointed to the sky residual sunset, fire red like flowers.
  “Well!…” , Xiaojie smiled.
  “Jie, I think,…if I get out of the army, I’ll get married, okay?”
  “Well… Say it again! We’re still young!” , she lowered her head a bit hesitantly.
  “Well, it’s also going to be interesting to see how my job search goes for miles!” , I rounded off, kind of regretting forcing her into such a sensitive topic.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Do you remember the time I took you to Freshwater?”
  “You said you were going to stay at the beach and I’d fish and you’d cook ….” , I changed the subject.
  “Well!… We were so innocent in our thoughts then!!!” , she responded, a little distracted.
  “But I think the idea of simplicity is good too!!!” , I grinned.
  “Yeah! But real life isn’t that easy!” , she smiled back.
I felt a sudden pang of dismay, when did that young girl who loved to fantasize back then, without realizing it, already experience and talk to me about reality? Did I miss something? My heart is a piece of frustration. Sunset, reflecting her face as delicate as flowers, I could not help but kiss her cheeks, to have further action, but she set aside my hand.
  “Let’s go! It’s late!!!” , she laughed as she walked and skipped ahead.
Looking at her gradually lengthened figure, I feel a gap between us breeding, widening; on the other hand, but feel a deep sense of powerlessness. A faint crow cawing, in the reflection of the setting sun, and the embankment side of the rushes intertwined into a beautiful and a little sad scene, I remembered Van Gogh’s painting, the crows flying over the wheat field, suddenly, an ominous omen noiselessly attacked the heart.
Draw lots, get off the force. Fate has sent me to the outer islands. When I first arrived, the cold monsoon winds blew my whole body apart. Huddled in a dripping pit, a damp and musty odor hung in the air, and the next night the quilts could be wrung out. Under the busy and boring work and drills, I began to count my buns. As the personnel and environment became more familiar, I began to get used to this world of men, masculine, blunt… I learned to use their terminology to curse others, to curse the sky, to curse the earth, and to curse myself… It is very easy to develop a sense of common enemy when facing a common enemy, and it seems that friendship with others grew out of this common experience of suffering and dry voices. The friendship with others seems to grow out of this experience of common suffering and the sound of dryness. Whenever the night fell, in the days when there were no station guards, after pouring half a stein of liquor, I would shrink under the blanket and try to recall her face and all the past events, so as to fall into a dream. The past is still vivid, but her face is becoming more and more blurred, and I, too, seem to be farther and farther away from the days of the past,louboutin pas cher,louboutin pas cher,……….
The happiest moment was when I received the letter. Xiaojie is still in the letter cheerfully told me about her life all kinds of colorful and varied. A happy social freshman, there are can consult the youth to squander; and I, just a hold gun, counting the buns of the rookie. Before going to sleep, with the dim light of the flashlight, her smiling face vaguely surfaced on the letter paper; the day of the station guards. I put the letter in my arms, looking at the stars in the sky, as if she is leaning on the side, told that the legend of the cowherd weaver; in the damp quilt, recalling all sorts of things with her, single-mindedly to her as the object of reverie, to do the most gentle comfort to my brother … in the warmth of the moment of the shooting, as if I can still feel her body temperature and touch …..
Bun 45.
Tonight I dreamed of you again, I woke up with a bright, curved moon like a hook, and remembered the old song-Moon River, and thought about it, and wet my pillow with tears!!!! A year and ten months long long long oh!!!! If only you were lying beside me!!!!
Bun 106.
You’ve been out of the army for a while. I wonder if you’re adjusting? Do you miss me? The other day, I passed by Zhongshan North Road, and the maple leaves had all turned red. The whole road looked like it was on fire. …. I slowly paced to the art museum and felt happy to see many pigeons eating on the ground. I was about to turn around and talk to you when I realized you weren’t around …………
Is it cold in Kinmen? Take care of yourself!
Bun 202.
Today, I went to Dihua Street with my mom. It was crowded with people and it was a bit like New Year’s Eve. You used to be able to play with me on Chinese New Year, but probably not this year. I will be so bored ooh!!!!
Colleagues have a called Chen Zhizhong, three years older than me, I just entered the company when the old to pester me , a little annoying. Later, I told him that I already have a boyfriend, he also smiled and said, like me such a girl, should have more than one boyfriend, said I was so angry, gave him a blank stare, really nasty people ………..
I counted it for you. Today is the 202nd bun.
Bun 320.
Today at work was scolded by the boss, back to the seat, and the tea knocked over a table, looking at a table of messy dripping, and remembered you, the heart of a sad, tears actually indisputable down. But that Chen Zhizhong, rushed over, helped me to organize the table, and handed me a hand towel, comforted me, and later taught me to deal with the boss’s moves… He looks less annoying today, probably because I found his eyes very much like you!
Bun 351.
Today after work with Zhang Wenying, Tsai Ching-kuan, and that Chen Chi-wen went to see a movie together, is that the sixth sense of life and death love, Zhang and Tsai are crying, Chi-wen see my eyes red, handed over hand towels, but also signaled that I don’t give them to see, it’s really fun. The movie is quite romantic, but I think, is there really such a feeling? I thought of you when I went to bed at night and hurriedly got up to write you a letter, but I just felt as if you had disappeared, really, I can’t remember what you look like?
I scrambled to answer the letters, three a day, trying to catch or salvage something, but I felt a vague sense of loss in my heart. Just I do not quite believe that the feelings of four years, is so fragile and easy to hurt ……
On my first vacation to Taiwan, I wrote a letter to Jie, but I didn’t hear back from her. When I returned to Taiwan, I realized that she had gone to Italy with a colleague to play, and I felt a pang of disappointment in my heart, why didn’t she tell me? A growing sense of loss, accompanied by a hint of jealousy, was gnawing at my heart. Later ran to find my cousin, not seen for many days, she seems to have become more mature and pretty. Before that kind of light smile still hangs on the face, I confided in her to Xiaojie all kinds of thoughts and love, she also just light smile, comforted me. Talking about it, the mood calmed down a lot. Suddenly felt that her face has a few points of holiness, like the suffering of the Goddess of Mercy general. And remembered the previous to her all kinds of love, cheeks can not help but red.
Returning to Kinmen from vacation with some trepidation, I received a letter from Jie.
I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you got back, as it was with a coworker and the itinerary was lined up long ago, sorry to change it for personal reasons, just have to say sorry to you!
I had a great trip to Italy, saw a lot of the Renaissance, Michelangelo, Raphael and others that you used to tell me about, and even went to Rome. That Chen Zhiwen is so funny, although he doesn’t understand, but he loves to make up funny, probably in a foreign place, we all put down our stature! There is a chance that we can introduce you guys to meet and get to know each other ……
As if in retaliation, I deliberately did not write back to her. She didn’t write back either. A month, two months passed, I was a little anxious. After dinner, in the dim light, I hurriedly wrote to her. I apologized to her because I was busy with business and the mail was delayed! I felt a strong sense of loss that I was about to lose what I loved but couldn’t do anything about it …..
After another two weeks, I finally got a reply from her:.
I really don’t know how to open up to you, even I can’t figure out how and when it started. I’m with that Chen Zhizhong, you should know him, right! I don’t feel like I’m just a friend or a coworker anymore. A day did not see him, the heart actually for him to hang up, as if I used to be the same as you. He is not handsome (not as handsome as you), not tall, a little fat. He also does not understand a lot of have no, but he is very good to me, really good to me. Very spoil me, if there is any trait in him that you don’t have, I think it’s a forgiving, burdened, with tenderness!!!!
The relationship with him developed naturally and gradually. He cared for me, he warmed me up, and without realizing it, I gave him my heart. By the time I realized it, it was too late. To you, I can only say, I’m sorry, forget about me, okay? After all, we walked together through a not so short period of time, I am very grateful to you for everything, all the faults and accusations, I am willing to bear, I believe that you will find a hundred times better than me girl… Bless you!
Let’s just stay friends, if that’s possible, okay?
My hands trembled, eleven million impossibilities surged to my heart, but I forcefully told myself that this is just a terrible nightmare, waking up everything as usual. Years ago that nightmare, Xiaojie with tears and turned away, the expression of chi seems to be still in the eye … I can only helplessly shouted. Just this night, I am facing this paper letter of despair, but I feel that it is a big joke of fate and me. It may be that Xiaojie sent the letter by mistake! Helpless, self-pity, but I even cry, even dry out of the strength are not, I just want to fall asleep ……
The head counselor knew about me and asked a few people to set up a table to comfort me. I was so proud that I drank a lot of wine, beat my chest to ensure that I Xiongmou is a strong man, the end of the world, why do not love a single flower… Finally, I was drunk, vomiting all over the ground, but I did not cry. A few of my brothers followed me around, as if they were afraid of what I might do. I still counted the buns day after day, out of the drill, constructing work, laughing and cursing, as before. The company commander is afraid that I can not think, do not dare to ask me to stand guard. I simply go to sleep every day, or else I just stare. My whole body was in a daze, like a walking corpse. Brothers with experience of mutiny comforted me, advised me to cry a big cry on the good, but I only feel that the heart is dry and astringent, just can not cry ……………
After a month, I felt that I had recovered, so I took out Xiaojie’s letter and photos and burned them in the backyard. Suddenly I realized how Lin Daiyu felt when she burned the book. I felt that I had finished with Xiaojie, so I had nothing to say. Besides, I didn’t like her very much in the beginning, did I? I told myself, a woman like her, find another one and there will be one, don’t be too dead-set, be a happy wolf!!!! The platoon leader, seeing that I had returned to normal, platooned me on guard.
Is the night, I stand guard, the sea breeze is cold, a round of crescent moon like a hook, the sea fishing fires dotted, reflecting the stars in the sky, the sky and the sea, a depression. Under the glitter of fishing fires, my eyes seem to see the outline of my hometown’s magnificent Central Mountain Range, floating at the end of the sea and sky, and then transformed into Guanyin Mountain, Datun Mountain, Danshuei River, the mother’s face… Xiaojie’s face! In the dreamlike moment, the sea drifted a fishing song, intermittent, vaguely recognizable,….. It’s Liu Wenzheng’s “promise”! …
My tears finally flowed uncontested ………….
XV. I don’t know if I’m a guest in my dreams.
Someone told me ~~ love is like a glass of wine ~~ he said drink it ~~ don’t frown ~~ because it can’t burn your tongue ~~ or your mouth ~~ drink it ~~ don’t think so much ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If love is wine, after I tasted all the sweetness and richness, the precipitation at the bottom of the cup is bitter and spicy. When I was twenty-three years old, one year and two and a half months into my military service, I got my first taste of the true flavor of this wine …. Hangovers are headache-inducing and unforgettable in their bitterness, but you’ll never know the true taste until you’ve tried it. Jie’s DEAR JOHN LETTER caused a wave of skepticism to rise in me about the so-called real side of love, and even life itself. I don’t know what is eternity? What is permanent? What can be mastered?
If it is said that disillusionment is the beginning of growth, this love disillusionment, but did not make me grow, but only drove me from this end of the scale, to the other end; I am like a drowning man, in the Xiaojie throw away my hand, after a few times of floating loads of floating and sinking, and then caught by another hand, and fixed attention to look ……… …but it was my cousin. After drinking the first cup of wine, I greedily drank a cup of bitter juice ……
After my relationship with Jie ended, I was depressed for a while. I had to work to keep myself busy and cool down the pain in my heart. Gradually, I became more and more apathetic, turning a deaf ear to external changes and seasons. Sometimes I don’t even say a word, and spend the whole day in a daze. This is a cocooning process, a cocoon of their own to wrap themselves up, so that the wound slowly get better. Others can not hurt me; I do not go to hurt others. The price to pay is the dissipation of the fervent hope for life. …..
Just when I was at my most depressed, like when I fell as a child, my cousin reached out her hand.
It was a routine afternoon of constructing work. When I returned to my company, I found a letter lying on my bunk. On the rectangular envelope, in beautiful handwriting, was written my name in déjà vu. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a letter, I can’t help but feel a little confused and swept away. Can’t wait to open the envelope, pull out the light green letterhead, a light fragrance floats back in the air, is a cousin wrote.
How have you been!
It’s been raining a lot lately. Miserable and irritating. What about your side?
Is it windy? Is it raining? Take care of yourself.
My job was not bad, I was just helping my boss with the accounts and writing some business documents. If I had any ambitions in the past, they’ve all been wiped out by the constant routine of life. You’re not far from being discharged from the army, so it’s time to start thinking about what you want to do in the future. If you don’t know what you want to do, you might want to consider studying again. Your family has only one precious son, aunts and their mouths do not say, but I know that the expectations for you are also there.
Jie came to see me once. I’m sorry about you guys. …. There are eight bitternesses in human beings, the bitterness of grudges and hatred, the bitterness of love and parting, the bitterness of not being able to seek… For my sister, I can only advise you to think of a better life. The end of the world, although it is an old saying, but still useful to you. When depressed, look at the blue sky and white clouds, precipitate their mood, and then look back, or has been light wind …..
Good luck!
This cloudy letter, in my gradually become dead water in the heart of the lake, put a stone, the ripples stirred outward ripples spread, finally set off a huge wave, almost make me extinguished.
It was more than a month after she was discharged from the army when I saw my cousin again. She worked for a company in Taoyuan and rented her own apartment. When I walked out of the Taoyuan Railway Station, I saw her standing at the roundabout across the street, waving her hand to me. I greeted her with a smile. She was wearing a light green dress today, and her smile was still the same, but more mature and charming.
  “Well…the body is getting stronger!!!” , the cousin snickered.
 ”…”, I smiled and didn’t say anything, just looked towards her, she seemed a little embarrassed.
  “Let’s go! Go eat, eat and take you to play!” , Cousin changed the subject.
  “Well…”
The two ate something haphazardly near the train station, hopped on the Taoyuan Bus, and headed straight for the beach.
There were very few passengers on the bus, so I sat alongside her. The car drove hard and fast, the cool wind poured in through the window, blowing her long hair up. Outside the window, the scenery of the field is rapidly receding, full of green. She gazed out the window, silent, beautiful face reflected in the car window, suddenly hidden, I looked at the car window on her, it seems a little fuzzy and not real, the field scenery and her face with the interplay of reflection, suddenly and then transformed into a small jie’s face … that I have long been to try to forget the face of …. I was staring at it in a daze, feeling something in my heart, and my thoughts were rising and falling ….
  “What’s wrong! So pale?” , Cousin asked
  “Nothing…probably motion sickness!!!”
  “People who have been to the outer islands still get carsick ….” The cousin laughed.
  “Well ….”
When we got off at Kannon, we paced toward the beach. The soft sea sand felt strange to step on, as if you couldn’t be sure whether the next step was imaginary or real. Two long lines of footprints were left on the sand.
  “I haven’t seen enough of the sea in the outer islands to bring me to see the sea!?” , I laughed bitterly
  “It can’t be helped! I’ve been in Taoyuan for so long, I don’t know where else is fun?”
  “Not to mention the fact that the benevolent are happy with the mountains and the wise are happy with the water!!!” Sister explains.
We sat down and the sea breeze blew in with the salty smell of the muggy kind of sunshine. We chatted about all the things that had happened since we left each other. Talking with my cousin was different from talking with Jie. I didn’t have to hide anything, and I didn’t have to worry about hurting her. I just talked about my joys, sorrows, and pains, naturally and without pressure. That kind of intimacy can make a person take off his mask and tell everything straight from his heart. I talked about my own end of the relationship, actually no longer excited sad, but confused …. Is my heart dead, or is the past really light? Or is it that male pride is still secretly repressing himself from shedding tears?
My cousin comforted me with understanding…The evening wind blew, her hair flew up at her temples, and her fair face reflected the evening sun, with a point of understanding and tolerance …. I remembered the day I went to Danshui with Xiaojie, only Xiaojie’s face was already blurred ….
I knew I was still hiding something that had been dormant in my heart for a long time and was slowly thawing and awakening, a love for my cousin …….
It was evening when I returned to my cousin’s house. She had rented a floor with a small living room and kitchen, an elegant layout. She was busy preparing dinner in the kitchen, and I was watching TV in the living room. Not long after, she came out with the dishes with a smile on her face.
  “Dinner is served!!!”
  “Wow! So many dishes!!!” , I appreciated
  “Count on cousin to pick you up today!!!” , she smiled lightly
We sat facing each other with a four-course meal and a bottle of wine on the table.
  “Little Xiong drink a little today.” She poured me a glass of wine and poured herself some juice.
  “What about you?” , I wondered.
  “Sisters can not drink, the last time drunk that time was scared to death!” I was so happy to see you, and I was so happy to see you, and I was so happy to see you. I think of that day scene, the heart can not help but some swing.
I took a big bite out of my meal, my sister helped me with my food and I helped her, and gentle music came from the radio. A feeling of happiness washed over me, and suddenly we seemed like a young couple.
  “Sisters ….”
  “What is it?”
  “If only I had married a wife like you in the future!”
She looked down and poofed a smile …. , smiling like a flower, and my heart swam.
  “Is that a compliment?”
  “I mean it!!!” , I said seriously.
  “When a soldier came back, became oily, self-punishment cup”, she playfully smiled
I drained the glass in one big gulp…and helped myself to another.
  “Ouch! Don’t drink so fast, drunken old sister can’t pull you”.
I looked at her and somehow felt slightly drunk in my heart.
We ate and drank, and before long, we were full. My sister cleaned up the dishes and I helped her with the dishes while she cut up the fruit with her head down. I returned to the living room and nestled on the sofa, watching TV. When I looked back, I saw her pretty back, she was concentrating on cutting the watermelon, her shoulder-length hair was combed up and coiled at the back of her neck, snow-white neckline, slender figure, long legs, bare feet wearing slippers. Probably catalyzed by alcohol! I seem to see Xiaojie s back, that flesh that I am familiar with, my eyes are confused …. Is it Xiaojie?
After eating the fruit and watching a little TV, my cousin urged me to take a shower.
  “I’m going to commission you to sleep on the couch tonight!!!” , she said in embarrassment
  “It’s okay! The couch is comfortable to sleep on!” , I responded, pacing into the bathroom.
I turned on the faucet and the hot water rushed over my whole body, cozy, lazy. The strange feelings I had just now seemed to have settled down. After I finished my shower and dried my body, I caught a glimpse of my cousin’s clothes in the laundry basket. A wave of excitement and curiosity surged to my heart…It’s been a long time since I’ve seen my cousin’s close …. I couldn’t help but squat down and examine the items in the hamper, and finally picked up a pair of pink panties at the bottom…Wacoal…the cut-outs on the panties seemed to reveal the secret of my cousin’s youth to me…my brother stood tall and erect, and I couldn’t help but rub my brother gently with the panties, and the mucus that oozed out was stained with my sister’s tights! I can’t help but rub my brother gently with my underwear, the slightest bit of mucus oozing out staining my sister’s body. But a strange feeling of guilt arose along with a gentle pleasure …. I gently put my panties back into the clothes hamper ……
(Am I really such a beastly man!?)
I asked myself and smiled bitterly as I turned the faucet back on and ran cold water over my lower body…the fire of desire that had arisen in my heart seemed to be slowly cooling down. I dried my body again, and when I wanted to get dressed, I realized that I didn’t bring my underwear with me. I had no choice but to wrap a towel around my lower body and walked out.
The TV was still on in the living room, but I didn’t see my cousin, maybe she went out! I walked towards the sofa, but found my cousin had fallen asleep against the sofa, probably tired! I softly took out my clothes and wanted to go back to the bathroom. I didn’t expect to find her neckline open to me when I looked down ….. I gulped, sneak a full view of this boundless spring light. Two beautifully erect breasts wrapped in the bra cups, one-third exposed outside. Cleavage was faintly visible. The bra is also Wacoal, with intricate lace …. The style was déjà vu…yes! Jie had one of the same style that I gave her for her birthday! …My heart began to swell, and she blurred in my eyes…It seemed that the one sleeping was Jie, and I joked about her mischievously as usual…I gently put my hand through the neckline…and played with her soft and elastic biceps.
Cousin exclaimed! In my haste, I hurriedly stopped her mouth, and when I didn’t stand still, I tumbled over the sofa and pressed on top of her, while the scarf fell off. My sister was stunned for a moment, as if she still didn’t know what had happened. My head was blank for a while, I only felt my whole body was hot, my lower body was expanding, and I felt a torrent wanting to ejaculate out. ………
The desire for flesh strongly drove me, being pressed by me, in a trance, actually can not tell whether it is my cousin or Xiaojie …. I simply put my hand into my cousin’s skirt, up her slippery thighs to the root, the panties that bound her lust. My hand rubbed and slid her white panties down to her knees, and flipped her skirt up again, and her mysterious valley and forest had been revealed to me. My heart fluttered and seemed to jump out of my mouth. She began to struggle up, waist branch twisting. My left hand held her hands, my right hand pulled down her panties, and held the firm for a long time the little brother to that peach source rushed chaotically …….
  “No!!!” , she vocally and tearfully struggled and twisted about, wanting to break out of my clutches.
I was like a wild beast, seizing the prey that was about to come to my mouth…and she was just struggling hopelessly…my brother was already aiming at her palace and wanted to swing into it…all of a sudden, one of her hands broke out of my grasp, and she actually grabbed my brother… …. And in this split second, I felt a burst of comfort in my lower body, a dizziness rushed to my head, a torrent from my brother jetted out…my drenching sprayed on her belly, wet her hands, but also hurt her heart …….
I can’t feel any pleasure, only deep remorse and self-reproach, as if I have made a big mistake. Just like this holding her…accompanied by her tears…just in her ear constantly said, sorry, sorry, sorry ….. Inside, I was filled with unspeakable pain.
Sixteen. It’s easy to part with the spring breeze at first
I hugged her tightly, trying to squeeze some comforting words out of my head, but realized I didn’t know what to say. She tried to break away from my embrace, but I held her tighter and tighter. Her tears flowed out in tears …. What can I do in this moment? Is it to continue my beastly behavior, or to return to the starting point …. Just …. Is it possible to go back to the starting point!
All I could do was feebly keep whispering in her ear:
  “Sister…I love you!!!”
  “Sister…I’m sorry!!!”
  “Sister…forgive me!!!”
She suddenly stood up in a huff, her two lines of tears dry, her face like frost, biting her lower lip lightly
  “This is not love!!!” , she said through clenched teeth, one word at a time
  “You just want possession!!!”
  “But I’m not Jade!!!”
Her expression was chipper and watery, and I felt as if a heavy blow had been struck in my heart.
  “No!!!”
  “I’ve always loved my cousin!!!” , I pleaded, but felt my body slowly go cold.
  “I love you!!!” , I whimpered.
  “No!!!” , the cousin said fiercely
  “This is not love!!!” , her eyebrows furrowed and her tears flickered
  “I’m just the replacement you were desperately looking for after you lost Jie!!!”
  “You would have done the same with any other woman today!!!”
Her words pierced my heart like a sharp blade, a pain came from my chest, my head was empty, and I felt that life was no longer interesting ….. I could no longer hear what my cousin said, a hand picked up the fruit fork on the table, my cousin seemed to be startled by my sudden action, took a step back ….
I held my fork high in the air and then spoke word for word:
“If I were to lose my cousin, it would be like this palm.”
I held the fork to my left palm and stabbed it down so hard that a sharp stabbing pain made me dizzy…before I could see my blood bursting out, I only felt a blackness in front of my eyes, and it was already dark and I didn’t know what was going on ….
I can’t figure out how long I slept, it just felt like a long, long dream …. I dreamt that my cousin and I were walking along a path, it was dark and she was holding my hand as we walked slowly. I just felt strange…my cousin has grown up, how come I’m still a little kid? …Thinking of this, I panicked and tightened my grip on her hand, but she broke away from me and ran away. I cried loudly behind her, shouting “Sister! Sister!” She just did not turn around, and ran farther and farther away. …. I crouched down helplessly, the darkness around me like a monster to me, a deep sense of fear enveloped me… only to wipe tears and snot… step by step in the direction of my cousin ran. I don’t know how long I walked, but when my legs were aching, I saw my cousin’s back from afar, and she was also walking slowly in front of me!!!! I quickened my pace and simply jogged, running towards my cousin. My cousin saw it was me and bent down…I jumped into her warm, soft breasts. She picked me up and I was about to scold her…but she said:
  “What’s the matter, Xiong, you’re not growing up yet?”
I was startled, looked up and saw that it was myself who was holding me, only my face face was haggard and pale a lot …… under a fright, and I was covered with sweat.
“There is no other place to die,” I said with an angry look on my face.
After saying that, he flung me down…I wailed and grabbed my hands but couldn’t grab anything, my body just kept falling down and down ……
What really woke me up was the stinging pain of the wound on my left hand. I opened my eyes and realized that I was lying on my cousin’s bed, my left hand was properly bandaged, but it was just a little bit painful. Outside the window, the sunlight came in, and a faint fragrance wafted through the air. I examined the things around me, covered with a pink silk quilt, a small closet, a small desk, a bottle of cosmos on the table, is in bloom. Farther away were the windows, the curtains gathered up but green. Outside the window, the sun is bright and the white clouds are bright.
I sat up and realized that the lower half of my body had been dressed in panties at some point. I got out of bed and dressed along the edge of the bed and approached the desk, only to find a note lying on it:
You did something stupid last night…I’m gutted!
I understand your feelings for your cousin, but between us, it’s impossible.
Please believe me, this is just an inexplicable attachment to the opposite sex that you developed after losing Jie. This kind of obsession can’t stand the pressure of time, and morality, and human decency. I don’t know if I can make room for your other emotions, except for my love for you. I’m not mentally prepared for that either.
Just like when I was a kid, for you, I could never be cruel enough to be angry with you. Just to face you again, I don’t know in what mood to treat. So, let’s separate for a while!
I hope that during this time, you and I will be able to reorganize and settle our emotions. I hope that you and I can reorganize our emotions, and clarify the differences between family, friendship, and love. I also hope that you will think carefully and give up this wrong emotion, and I will also try to forget all the unpleasantness; perhaps by then, we can still be a pair of good sisters who can talk about everything.
I hugged the letter paper and read it over and over again, just don’t know how to answer her question. I only felt a vague pain in the wound, but I didn’t know that it was a pain in the hand and a pain in the heart ……..
It was three months after the hand injury was healed when I met Jie again.
It was early fall, I walked aimlessly in the East End, in the crowded crowd, people come and go, but I do not know where to go, the loneliness of the heart in the crowded place but can not get any soothing. Suddenly, a familiar figure flashed into the eyes, it was Xiaojie!
Jade noticed me at about the same time and smiled at me, a somewhat familiar and unfamiliar smile.
  “Long time no see!!!” I said.
  “Yeah! It’s been a while!” , she returned.
 ”……..”
The two were silent and a bit awkward. She broke the silence first:
  “Do you want to find a place to sit?… Are you… busy!?”
I’m a hobo! I’m a hobo!”
Jade smiled and we strolled forward, crossing the street and turning into an alleyway into a Coffee Shop.I glanced at the sign before entering.
The name of this Coffee Shop is “Old Love”.
The interior of the store was post-modern, giving it a cool, decadent feel. As I looked around, I scrutinized her. Jie has become thinner, her face has become more pointed. Still not free of childish face, more a little bit of office worker’s competence. She wore an apricot-colored suit today, and her hair was combed behind her head, becoming much more mature. She saw me looking at her for a reason, and smiled at me, smiling sweetly. We picked a corner seat and sat down.
  “You…work in this neighborhood!?”
  “Uh-huh! On the north side of Dunhua Road.”
  “So you didn’t work today!?”
“Me? …skipped work to take a walk.”
  “Then you that…Chen ….” , I pondered his name in my head.
  “Chen Zhiwen ah!?”
  “Right! Right! …I’m so sorry!… Why didn’t he skip work with you?”
“Let’s not talk about him today, okay?”
  “Oh…. I’m sorry,” I lowered my head and sipped my mandarin. The air seemed to freeze.
  “Xiao…Xiao Xiong…” , she timidly called out to me again.
  “How have you been?” , she asked carefully.
  “It’s okay! People have to live their lives ….” , I put my head down again and drank my coffee.
  “Well…it’s really good for you not to be able to…” , she lowered her head.
  “Let bygones be bygones!!!” , I replied in a pretentious manner.
  “Is that Mr. Chen…Chen treating you okay!?”
  “Well… He’s been pretty good to me…”
  “Oh… That’s good!!!”
  “What about you?… Have you made any new… friends?” , she asked tentatively.
 ”…….” , I took another sip of my coffee, a bitter cleanse slowly seeping down my throat due to the lack of sugar.
  “Think! Do you want to introduce me”, I teased.
 ”……”, she wanted to say.
She is so familiar, yet so strange. Her knitted brows, a smile, a word, her young slippery flesh, is once so full of my dreams; and now, said the same time, but I do not know to take that kind of mood to face her. Yesterday’s events, as if it were a lifetime ago, in front of her, is the love of the past life, right? I see her today, but I am at a loss. If she had been with me to drink the wine of love, so that I first glimpse of the sea of love and the beauty of the mountain, she should be a grateful and cherish; but she was in my heart but need her, left me, leaving me to drink the bitter juice of the loss of love … … that period of time, I grumbled and hated, but I do not know who grumbled and hated who. In the end, only to heaven and earth is not benevolent, love has no share. When love has become a thing of the past, when the emotions have been dry archives, was cocooned in layers of me, it is difficult to sow the strings of emotion, even if there is that courage and mood, the string breaks … who listens to it?
I thought about the ups and downs, in front of the eyes of her, actually more and more strange to see, only relatively speechless. When she got up to leave, she also grabbed me to pay the bill. Just this feelings of the bill, pay it off!
I was walking with her and stopped in front of a building, and when I looked around, it turned out to be a Hotel.
  “Want to go in?” , I asked half-jokingly, pretending to walk in.
She was not aware that she had lowered her head to follow.
  “Sir, would you like to rest or…?” , the waiter asked with a smile on his face.
  “Um…get a room,” I said, looking back at Jie, who had her head down and her cheeks slightly red.
“Order a bottle of champagne, by the way.”
When we entered the room, the room service brought us champagne. Jie and I each poured a glass of champagne and drank it together. The two of us practiced the familiar foreplay from a long, long time ago. Her cheeks were slightly red, like cherry blossoms, and her eyes were glowing with desire. As if to tease me, as if back in the old days, she raised her legs high and slowly removed her pantyhose. I put down my glass, approached her and kissed her. Her juices came through, like an electric current, touching the tip of my tongue. I embraced her tightly, as if I could feel the touch of her firm peaks. My tongue was like a snake, greedily attacking her cherry lips; she did not hesitate to fight back. I ran my hands all over her body, as if I wanted to revisit this rusty flesh. I ran my hands down her back to her full buttocks. My right hand unbuttoned the front button of her dress and pulled down her bra, playing with and rubbing her breasts, gauging her excitement by the degree of firmness of her breasts ….. My left hand also reached into her narrow skirt and rubbed her slippery thighs. When I touched her secret part, I could feel her secretion of liquid had already wet her panties, I did not hesitate to pull down her panties, and began to play with her erotic palace…….Milky water out of the moat made my fingers slippery and wet. I pinned her down on the bed, and with her gradually heavier breathing…I knew she could hardly hold it any longer. We greedily explored each other’s flesh through our clothes…as if to atone for the rustiness of this goodbye.
She suddenly pushed me away and stood up.
  “After the shower …..”
She slipped off her coat, took off her bra, and walked to the bathroom completely naked. I had to temporarily hold down the fire of desire aroused by her, lit a cigarette, smoked. She opened the shower head, because the bathroom door is made of woolen glass, through a layer of smoke haze, can vaguely see her hibiscus out of the water of the charming state.
I sat on a round bed of enormous dimensions, and looked up to see a mirror, probably to increase the “sex appeal” of the person, right? I looked at myself in the mirror, and I felt a little strange. I smoked a cigarette, the smoke on the spit, so that I and the mirror I separated a layer of smoke … in the haze, I seem to see the dream, the old himself. Somehow, the heart but slowly diffused a wave of inexplicable sadness …. I do not know what I am waiting for? Is looking forward to another opportunity to reunite? Or is it just another desire to cheat? Or is it a subconscious revenge on her? …Or is it simply a physical need? The sound of water rumbling in the bathroom, deep sadness gradually spread …..
I stood up like I’d made up my mind about something, straightened my clothes, and walked out of the room, gently closing the door behind me.
I walked out of the hotel, a cold wind blowing in my face, the autumn wind, sweeping up the yellow leaves flying. I couldn’t help but tug on my collar and merged into the crowd once again, feeling something in my heart. Passing by a western restaurant, there came a low, pale and melancholy song, a song that I recognized …….
  “It’s just a game and a dream ….”
  “Don’t Leave Crippling Love Behind” ………..
Seventeen. Don’t be a lover in another life
It was night, and I hopped on a southbound train on the east line to escape the city. Hopefully, this escape will allow me to re-clarify my emotions and bring some redemption to my life.
As the train rumbled on, my thoughts still lingered on that basin. The basin where I have lived for many years! I have all the memories of my friends, sadness, happiness and anguish…it has long been a part of my life…there is everything between me and Xiaojie…but now it is like a smoke ring that I exhaled, fading into the wind, with no traces left. I was a little surprised at my own lack of love, in the face of Xiaojie, it is difficult to rekindle the old feelings. Is it true that the past destiny is over? Or is it that my heart strings have been broken, it is difficult to play the song? I alone chewed and Xiaojie reunion after the confusion, should also be mixed with a trace of pain, right? I let the cold wind pour into the car window, blowing my hair.
Lowering his head, he glanced at his own palm, caressing the healed wound, and felt a vague pain. Looking out the car window, it was pitch black, reflecting the shadow of my own face…under the flickering light, it was transformed into the sad expression of my cousin’s watering eyes. My heart ached a little, even more than the pain in my hand. The wound in my hand is easy to heal, but what about the wound in my heart? My thoughts were confused, and in a vague way, a strong feeling of admiration for her seeped into my heart.
The train stopped at a small station and waited for a meeting. I paced down the platform, lit another cigarette and gulped it down. The night wind blew, cold, mixed with a little taste of the sea, cooling my chaotic mood. I pricked up my ears and listened carefully, as if I could hear the sound of the Pacific Ocean waves cracking the shore. I am so familiar with this island country, this Si-Tu with big mountains and big oceans, and so unfamiliar! My chaotic thoughts were interrupted by an oncoming train in the distance, and after a whistle, a train slowly entered the station.
The oncoming car is parked on the opposite platform. I smoked a cigarette and exhaled smoke. Through the smoke, I saw a vaguely recognizable figure in the opposite carriage, sitting in the window seat. I then carefully recognize, but it is myself! Just a lot lighter, young, green, coolly staring out the window. Sitting aside the woman, handing over drinks, but the face is blurred and difficult to recognize, as if Xiaojie, but also like a cousin. My heart pounding pounding, for this unexpected encounter surprised, can not help but raise his hand, towards the “I” waved vigorously. The “I” did not seem to realize my existence, just looked out of the window, seemingly thinking about something. What’s so sad about being young? It’s all about the new words, isn’t it? The whistle blew and I jumped on the train, still waving my hand. Before the train slowly left the platform, “he” finally noticed me and smiled at me, a little confused. The two trains slowly separated, south, farther and farther away…I still waved my hand hard, as if to say goodbye to my past youthful years ………
Chiang Hsun. Candle Tears Passing
It was early morning when I got off the train in Taitung. I greedily inhaled the rare fresh air of this basin, which was refreshing to my nose and lungs. The whole city had awakened from the quietness of the early morning and was bustling with activity. The sunshine was spreading all over the place, and the air seemed to smell the peculiar scent of the tropical south. I wandered aimlessly in the marketplace, occasionally squatting down to bargain with the vendors. It was like going back to my childhood, when I went to the market with my cousin. As I strolled around, the gloomy feeling that had accumulated in my heart gradually dissipated, and instead I felt a sense of fullness, a kind of simple joy for life, and even for life in general. In this town 500 miles from home, I am not like a passer-by, but like a returnee. In this strange marketplace, I actually found the kind of simple hours, life itself, pure joy.
Distant memories are familiar again. At a time when I was at a loss and had no way to escape, a long-dormant voice called and called in my heart.
I bought my ticket to my hometown and hopped on the train.
It was already sunset when I returned to Chiayi. After getting off the Chiayi Bus, I walked along the path in my hometown, and little by little memories slowly flowed out with my footsteps. …. It was the pond where I swam with Ah Ming…the eggplant tree where I caught golden turtles with my cousin…the temple court where I fought with Ah De…and the betel nut tree that towered over me. I’m like a traveler who has left his hometown, and after I’ve gotten hurt all over the place, my hometown still stretches out its arms and gives me the most gentle embrace and support. As I walked, I came to my hometown, which is also next door to my cousin’s house.
I hesitated to ring her doorbell when the door opened. It was my aunt who opened the door.
  “Oops! Xiong Zai, it’s you! When will you be back?” , Auntie asked happily.
“Just arrived!”
  “Eat or not!?… Ah!… I’m sure you haven’t… Come on… come in and eat.”
She took my hand, I was embarrassed to go in, but I caught a glimpse of a silhouette, and with a shock, my traveling bag almost fell to the ground ….. It’s her ….. Cousin…Xiao Ru.
My aunt teased with a bit of amusement as she watched me froze:
  “I thought you guys came back together on a date!?”
  “Oh…oh,” I responded awkwardly. My cousin snorted out a laugh at my stupidity. She helped me with my meal and handed me my bowl. I greeted my aunt and uncle as he sat on the couch reading the newspaper.
  “Why are you back?” , I asked softly.
My cousin gently pointed at my aunt’s husband.” My dad’s old problem is acting up again!” , she replied softly.
  “oh…”
  “Then what are you doing here!?” , Cousin asked.
  “To see you!!!” , I replied softly, playfully.
A scarlet blush swept up her fair cheeks.
  “No fooling around!!!” , her half-angry and seemingly half-joyful look made my heart swing a little. I had to bow my head and take a big bite of rice to hide the strange blush in my heart.
  “You’re not even eating the food!” , she helped me with the dishes, I looked at her gratefully, she was back to her usual self-consciousness.
After skimming through dinner, my cousin and I padded confidently to the pool and sat down on the embankment. There was a crescent moon in the sky, and the autumn insects were chirping. She and I were silent, except for the sound of the water’s tide, lapping at the edge of the embankment.
  “Didn’t I tell you not to look for me?” , she said softly as she broke the silence.
 ”…..”
Thinking back to himself, did not deliberately come to look for her. But in the strange pull of fate, the two life lines, after circling the island almost 2/3 circle, in this place of great significance to the two people intersect, is the arrangement of fate, or the heart of a rhinoceros ….. I can’t help but think of myself who met me last night, at that obscure little station. And now, where is he sailing to, and where does he land?
  “Sister…as in…actually…”, I decided to be brave and confess.
  “I really do love you…”, she bowed her head, the moonlight reflected on her face, her skin white as snow.
  “Over the years, sinking in and out of relationships…I thought Jie was the love of my life.”
The first thing I did was to look at the surface of the pool and see if I could find a way to get to the bottom of it.
  “The love is still yours!” , I said fondly.
“My love for Jie, when I think of it now, was more of a desire than anything else.”
  “For you…it’s not just sisterly love…”
  “It’s the kind of loss that leads to panic and heartache that’s etched in stone.”
  “Ru Sister…I love you”, my voice trembled, but I was relieved to spit out the block in my heart. The air seemed to freeze for a long, long time ……
  “Xiong…do you know what love means?” , she said softly.
  “I don’t know…but…” , I argued.
  “If you can’t discern your own emotions, how can you expect others to feel, to accept them?”
  “We don’t even know the word, yet we keep talking about it as if it were a mantra…the word…it might take a lifetime to learn, and by the time we die, we might not even know it!?” , she said quietly.
  “I’m true to my cousin,” I said categorically
  “All I know is that without my cousin, I am as empty as a shell”, and with a pang of grief inside, I actually choked up, teardrops welling up in my eyes.
  “Yoshi,” my cousin said softly.
  “I like my cousin!!!”
  “Xiong…listen to me…”, she urged.
  “I want to marry my cousin!!!”
  “Xiong…don’t do this!”
Tears finally flowed down without a fight. I couldn’t help but bury my head, in my cousin’s light and soft bosom.
  “We…are not going to have an ending,” she bit her lower lip.
  “No! I want to marry my cousin…I love you…”, I whimpered.
  “I also know your feelings for me…the day you zapped your hand, in that moment I understood…”
  “I just didn’t know you were in this deep ….”
  “And I had the temerity to try to guide you …. As a result…”
  “In fact, you know what? Sister’s heart hurts even more ….” , her eyes glistened with tears.
  “Sister also has a love for Xiong…but… Not the kind you think…”
  “Xiong has Xiong’s future, I have my …. Our emotions ….”
  “Be moderate ….” , she said slowly with a slight sadness.
  “You love your cousin, and your cousin loves you…but it’s a wrong love!!!”
  “Mistake! …If you want to be wrong, be wrong to the end!?” , I said with tears in my eyes, seemingly with great determination. I will sit my body upright, the moonlight reflected down, vaguely visible on her face tearstains. She stared at me blankly, as if still pondering the meaning of those words.
My lips, trembling and eager, covered hers. Milky tears flowed down, mixed with her and my, seems to be able to feel the salty taste. I hugged her body tightly, eagerly and passionately kissed her, but she just tightly closed her lips …. I used my lips and tongue to wet and tease her … she just closed her eyes tightly, let the tears flow out. Her fair cheeks have long been flushed, seemingly resisting something. Seeing her expression of relief, I was a bit unable to bear it, just when I wanted to stop, her cherry lips opened gently, a warm and strange electric current came from the other end… Her liquid with the sticky soft tongue in my mouth flipping and stirring. I just felt my mind go blank with a loud bang. My lips were entwined with hers, like two lovers who hadn’t met for a long time, more like gods and goddesses who had tasted the forbidden fruit for the first time. The two of us exchanged fluids…sucking each other for the fountain of life. I could only feel the sky spinning, not knowing whether it was illusion or reality…
She suddenly pushed me away violently as if she had thought of something.
  “No!!!” , she turned and whimpered, running home at a fast pace. I chased forward, the fall insects still chirping, only the crescent moon had been obscured by dark clouds.
At midnight, I tossed and turned in my bed, tossing and turning. What stirred in my heart was only the events of the night. I boldly, regained my footsteps and went downstairs, softly opening my cousin’s door.
Her door was unlocked. I opened it gently, slipped inside, and unlocked the door. The sound of slow breathing told me that my cousin was already asleep. With the small lamp beside the bed, I measured her face. Her fair skin was tinted with a touch of redness. Long eyelashes gently covered her watery eyes, matched with a small, straight nose and slightly open cherry lips. Exposed outside the quilt is a pink nightgown. I looked at her in fascination, a few points of pity, and a few points of desire. I couldn’t help but gently lean over and kiss her lips.
My cousin’s eyes were closed, but the moment I kissed her, she returned the favor with a passionate kiss. Our lips met again, thirsty for each other’s nourishment. I lifted the quilt up and slipped under her warm covers. I opened my mouth to speak, only for her lips to crush it again. The goddess of my heart seemed to be turning into an amorous nymphomaniac as I teased her. I hugged her tightly, under the quilt, but my hands wandered around restlessly exploring. Cupping her back, her hips…her thighs, her breasts… And the mysterious bulge between her legs. My cousin kissed me eagerly, and I guided her hand down and down and down until it touched my already hardened dick.
My hand also gently slipped into her pajama pants, through the narrow pants, seemed to be able to feel the wetness of the petals… Ru Sister also gently played with my penis, under the stimulation of her hands gently touched, the tip of the younger brother has been slightly weeping. Lust filled my body, my fingers slipped into Ru Sister’s moist peach source, gently playing with the youthful flesh that I had dreamed of. I wanted to remove her clothes, but she shook her head, only allowing me to scratch the itch.
  “Don’t give an inch,” she blew in my ear, tickling me.
I only had to intensify my attack on her petals; she was not shy about accelerating her teasing of my brother… Her head rose slightly, beads of sweat condensed on her nose. Her slightly parted lips gently emitted an erotic call, accompanied by heavy and rapid breathing …. Her face was flushed with a blossom of color, and she was unrecognizable …. I feel the lust in my body is accumulating, rising and rising…in the most passionate moment…ejected!
The passion gradually cooled down. The air smelled of lust. I pulled on the quilt, turned and hugged her tightly, kissing her face. A feeling of pleasure after an unreserved vent, accompanied by lethargy, a sense of relief slowly swept away. Her face, red and colorful still, just more a blank. Ebony eyes flickered as I held her tighter and kissed her. She turned away and I held her, kissing the nape of her neck. It felt like her body was trembling slightly, as if she was crying. For a long, long time, I heard her asking:
  “Are we wrong??”
  “Of course not!” , I answered decisively.
Somehow that question mark is getting bigger and bigger and taking over my heart. Wrong or wrong, I don’t know, really!
Eighteen. A Spring of Tears to Speak of Desolation
Taking advantage of my cousin’s next few consecutive days of vacation, I pestered her to go to Alishan with me. She unexpectedly agreed, which made me a bit ecstatic. Deep in my heart, I secretly thought of it as my “honeymoon trip” with my sister. ……. It was a trip I will never forget.
I bought a ticket for the train, but because it was a holiday, there were no seats available, so I had to stand at the door with my sister Ru. The train traveled smoothly, and as it started to climb uphill after passing through Takezaki, its speed slowed down. The sunlight came in brightly, cut by the slanting leaves of the trees, creating a dazzling haze. The air is filled with the smell of the mountains, the mountains, calling …… out. Ru Sister and I were silent, seemingly captivated by the changing scenery. I look at Ru sister, her eyes seem to be gazing at something, is so close, but also seems to be far away. I looked at her in a daze, as if in a dream.
Soon the train passes the first cave. A sudden darkness came over us. I took advantage of the darkness to hold Ru’s hand. At first she struggled a little, but then she resigned herself to my grasp… Her soft, delicate hand was slightly damp with sweat. I smiled at her, and she smiled back. I leaned over to whisper something to her, but she tilted her head warily. I smiled awkwardly again, and the next darkness came swiftly.
I took advantage of the darkness to kiss her cheeks, a burst of fragrance. After the cave, I was still staring at her, a kiss of the abruptness of the kiss made me a little apologetic. But see her look like a smile, eyes look away, a little lost. The white cheeks do not know when has been smeared with red, delicate to kiss. I pinched her hand, she looked at me, pouted and pretended to be angry, a little girl manner, called me and love and pity. Car over Fenqi Lake, the sky is clear, in the distance, there are a few touches of pink in the green bushes.
  “Look! Sakura!!!”
Sister Ru shouted happily. I also searched for the beautiful flowers with joy. Cherry blossoms and flowers bloom and fall in just a few days, and how fortunate I was to come at the right time to enjoy the most beautiful moment of her life. This beautiful flower, in her limited life course, exerted herself to burst out all the life, and bloomed the most delicate and touching flowers; and then, at the climax, perished and returned to the soil. I don’t know if my love affair with Ru Sister is like the cherry blossoms, which bloom hastily after brewing for a long time, leaving behind only a season of memories. Thinking about this, I couldn’t help but feel dumbfounded, as if I had grabbed something, but I was afraid that she would eventually be lost… A strange, precognitive sense of loss made me hold her hand tightly ….. The heart without reason, remembered a poem:
“Falling red is not an unfeeling thing, it turns into spring mud and protects the flowers even more.”
When we arrived at Alishan, we first looked for a place to sleep. Since it was a holiday and a temporary uprising, all the rooms were almost fully booked. I finally found a hostel with one room available. I booked it. As soon as I closed the door, I couldn’t wait to embrace Ru Sister in my arms. Ru Sister struggled and cursed in an angry tone:
  “Little devil, what are you doing!?”
  “Kiss the bride!!!” , I grinned mischievously.
  “Kiss…kiss your head la!” , she shyly lowered her head, the scarlet on her face like a cherry, adding to the delicacy.
I couldn’t help but hold her tightly, and lowered my head to kiss her. She bobbed her head and struggled until my lips covered hers, and only then did she seem to settle down as if she had resigned herself to her fate, closing her eyes tightly and letting me have a kiss.
  “Sister Ru…you smell so good!!!” , I couldn’t help but compliment.
As soon as she pushed me away.
  “Little bad boy!!!”
When I finished, I snorted another laugh and looked so delicate that it tickled me.
We unpacked and had dinner, and it was dusk. The night was approaching faster on the mountain, and a wave of mountain marshes washed over us, bringing with it a slight chill. With flashlights in hand and coats on, we decided to take a nighttime stroll with Ru Sister.
Night in the mountains is a strange experience. The familiar paths of the day seem like traps everywhere at night. Night is an entirely different kingdom, and for the day, He controls half of it. Giant trees, shrouded in night, like night beasts trying to seize people, give off a bit of eerie terror, and the pervasive mountain mist, the dew, the cold wind… add a bit of excitement to our nighttime excursions.
As we walked along the trail with Ru Sister, because of the slippery road, I went ahead of her and held her hand, slowly recognizing the steps. I felt a hint of warmth as I held her soft and supple palm. As we walked…we were the only ones left in the forest. Just like a pair of lost lovers.
  “Will we get lost?!” , Ru Sister asked worriedly.
  “Oh…probably not!” , I laughed.
  “It would be embarrassing if there was a mountain disaster here,” I joked, making Ru Sister laugh as well.
Continuing on, the forest was silent, with only the low singing of the autumn bugs, accompanied by our gradually heavy breathing. I felt that Ru Sister’s pace was slowing down a bit, so I suggested:
  “As …. A break would be nice,” she nodded, pulling out a handkerchief to wipe away the sweat.
I wiped beads of sweat with my sleeve, but she handed me a hand towel.
  “Use mine!”
“Can’t carry a handkerchief till now.”
“What an overgrown child.”
I smiled at her and wiped my face with her hand towel, an ethereal scent seeping into my heart and nose.
  “It smells oh…”
  “Is it okay to give it to me,” I asked jokingly.
  “Bring it,” she gestured to grab it, and I quickly stuffed it in my pocket.
“I’ll buy a dozen tomorrow and pay you back.”
  “Who wants your dong,” she made a face, and her shy demeanor made me a bit apoplectic.
The fog slowly spread up, like a sky covering the ground. The blackness of the surroundings, under the shroud of the fog, added a few more depths. Suddenly looked up, a round of crescent moon in the air hanging brightly. Only then did I notice that there was a pool in front of me, which I had failed to realize. Only to see the moon shadow reflected in the pool, wave by wave swaying.
  “This is probably the Sister Pool!?” , I muttered to myself.
The surface of the lake rose a light smoke, the pavilion in the pool of people in the clamor, just separated by a pool of water, and seems to be distant and not quite real. Ru sister fixedly looked at the lake, seems to be contemplating what …..
  “So…we’re sisters and brothers!” , she whispered.
  “No!!!” , I looked at her.
  “It’s the Couple’s Pool!” , I said firmly.
I walked forward and took her hand, speaking softly:
  “Didn’t I say I want to be with Sister Ru for the rest of my life!?”
She shook her head…wanting to speak…and I held her hand tighter.
  “Yuu…don’t you dare speak out loud like that and make a firm vow…”
  “It’s because you’re too young …. Don’t know how to cherish every word you say ….”
I tried to argue, but she went on.
  “One day you will realize how much responsibility comes with a word.”
  “You may not mind, but those who hear it do believe it, and even ask you to pay for the practice for the rest of your life…”
  “So…don’t make promises, don’t make promises too easily ….”
  “And don’t put too much faith in other people’s promises”…Her eyes stare blankly into the distance, inscrutable.
I suddenly remembered Jie…Where is our mountain alliance, our sea oath?… All that’s left are the clouds… And… When I dream in the middle of the night. The pain that comes when we dream in the middle of the night, right? Looking at Ru Sister, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of gratitude in my heart.
  “But…I really do mean it to Sister Ru.”
  “I…”
  “I know,” Ru Sister nodded, “I know all that…”
  “That’s now…but what about later!?” , she asked, and I asked back.
I couldn’t think of an answer, or any words to answer her, so I just hugged her tightly and kissed her on the lips. She didn’t run away anymore, she just closed her eyes and let me kiss her…and faintly I heard her say…later!
After a quarter of an hour’s rest, we moved forward again. In order to relieve Kong of her embarrassment, I deliberately told something funny and made her laugh several times along the way. As we walked on, we came to the Shenmu area. We used our flashlights to identify the names of the trees, followed by a few comments about the tree males.
  “There it is! I’ve got it! This one is called Forever Together”, I laughed and laughed and turned back to look at Ru Sister, but the name of the tree knocked her back into contemplation.
  “Ru… sister,… What’s wrong with you!?” , I asked with concern.
  “No…it’s fine!” , she lowered her head.
I’m not sure what’s wrong with you, but I’m not sure what’s wrong with you. I asked, but I didn’t realize that her face had turned pale, and her eyes flickered, as if she was about to shed a tear.
I asked in a soft voice as I hurriedly approached her and took her hand:
  “Remember anything?” , she nodded her head a little, tears actually plopped down and dripped on my leather shoes.
I gently embraced her in my arms and spoke softly:
  “It’s Xiong’s fault for making Ru Sister angry, Xiong is bad…deserve to be beaten”, I coaxed her, making a gesture to beat myself.
To my surprise, she whimpered in my arms…her body trembling. I gently patted her back and stopped talking. Perhaps when a person is most vulnerable, other than a shoulder to lean on, other words are superfluous!
I helped her sit down, she was still sobbing, her tears wetting my chest. I took her handkerchief out, gently wiped her tears, softly comforted her. For a long, long time, after a moment of silence, she narrated the love affair in her heart.
She has a close boyfriend who is two years older than her, the one who lives in Minxiong. He was an only child, and his family wanted him to go abroad to study after his military service, so that he could honor his family. He loves Ru Sister and treats her very well. The only drawback is that he has a strong temper, probably because he’s an only child! He takes everything for granted. He asked Ru Sister to marry him and go abroad together. As for him, Ru Sister couldn’t figure out her feelings for him, whether she really loved him or just didn’t hate it and logically wanted to be with him. She also wanted to go out with him, but was uneasy about her dad’s health, and it was unbearable for her to marry him so soon and be away from home. The two were at a standstill, the boy delayed again and again for Ru Sister’s sake, and finally lost his temper and gave her an ultimatum. Ru Sister was a soft touch but not a hard touch, so they had a stalemate. Ru Sister came home this time, partly because of her father’s illness, and partly to avoid him. Who knew that when she was in the most fragile mood, I came in hard ……
Listening to it leaves me empty ….
  “As…sister, that …. Do you still love him?” , I asked tentatively.
  “I don’t know,” she said quietly.
  “What about me?” , as soon as the words left my mouth I regretted asking that stupid question.
 ”….” , she doesn’t make a sound.
  “Of course!!!” , I replied helpfully, but a little heartily.
  “Let’s go!” , she stood up and walked forward. I followed.
The crescent moon in the distant treetops, dim and haloed, the stars winking, the sky, … drizzling.
Back at the hostel, both of us felt very tired after the night tour and the interplay of sadness and joy. I took a quick shower, then retreated under the covers and watched TV. My sister smiled at me and took the clothes into the bathroom. The water clattered…a steam slowly filled the air. I padded softly outside the bathroom and found that Ru Sister had only lightly covered the door, but left it unlocked. Through the doorway, I could see Ru Sister’s entire flawless body naked in the steam, and the water spraying from the rosette washed over her youthful body, which was like a lotus flower in the water. I felt a surge of lust in my body, and I couldn’t hold back any longer, so I pushed the door and entered, ignoring that my clothes were wet with water, and went to hug Ru Sister tightly.
Sister Ru seemed to be startled, and was about to scream out, but my lips sealed her mouth. I side of the head kissed her, hands rubbing her strong peaks, vaguely feel her peaks seem to swell again firm… hot water rushed down, will be my whole body wet, and into my mouth and nose… but I do not care, because I do not need to breathe… as long as there is with her grinding …. The water ran down her cheeks, making her scarlet face watery. I soothed her whole body, her mouth, nose, breasts…her secret places…she became excited, removed my already wet pajamas and started kissing me, from top to bottom …. I was mesmerized by the gentle teasing of her tongue…I felt like I was floating in ecstasy …. The more she kissed, the further down she went…close to my right to fight ….
The water is still rushing, the steam spread around, in a haze of smoke, I suddenly felt a burst of unprecedented pleasure from my lower body …. She kissed my brother with her cherry lips …. The tingling pleasure like a mountain of mountains came … my body began to tremble, but she strengthened the attack on my power battles … oooh … the goddess of my heart …… I gently rubbed her ears, but she had already kneeled down! …The water rumbles, the smoke fills the air…The one I’m toying with, it’s the water sprite, isn’t it! …A sudden rush of pleasure rushed to my head, and I only felt dizzy …..
  “As! …..” , I couldn’t help but scream.
In a flash, the full force of my lust jetted out ………..
I was lying on the bed with my sister Ru, and after chatting for a while, she fell into a deep sleep. I was the only one who tossed and turned, tossing and turning over the passion I had just experienced. The scent of her hair continued to come through, tantalizing me. Although my brother had lost his armor during the passion in the bathroom, he was now curling softly in a dormant state. But I knew that the lust for flesh was being fueled, and that it was about to be revitalized as soon as the sustenance was complete. I counted the sheep, rolled over to check my watch, and then rolled over to hold Ru Sister tightly, inhaling her body odor and hair scent.
One bell, two bells, three bells passed, and I was still insomniac. So I rolled over…next to Ru Sister. I slowly rolled up her nightgown, revealing the back button of her white underwear. I gently opened the back button, and the bra loosened up. Reaching forward, I explored her breasts, which were soft and manageable. I played with the tips of her nipples, gently pinching and rubbing them…. My dick slowly hardened as if it had a sense of what was happening. I reached down again, through her soft panties, to her deep forest… She rolled over onto her back, still asleep. My left hand went down again, to the door of her womb. I tousled her curly soft body hair and caressed her secret place, and before long, I felt a slight wetness.
I simply rolled over onto my back, did a push-up position, and gently opened the buttons on her chest. Her beautiful breasts were once again exposed in front of my eyes. I saw that she was still asleep with her eyes closed and breathing evenly, so I dared to gently pull down her pants, and her snow-white panties were exposed, and the black part of the cut-outs could be glimpsed in a hazy black part… it was her forest… This erotic sight finally made my brother raise his head again. I slowly removed her panties down to her knees. With my hand, I gently clasped the palace gate…both with my mouth and tongue…gradually flooding the moat I don’t know if it was a reflex action or just lust in my heart. I couldn’t help but kiss her face, lips…and gently moistened the door of her uterus with my dick. …. Her breathing slowly rushed up, before a few, opened her eyes, her expression seemed to smile. Lips slightly open, seems a little breathless …. I removed all the clothes on her body.
  “As ….” I call out softly.
  “Mmm…”, she gasped, again as if she was suppressing something.
  “Give it to me, will you?” , I pleaded.
 ”……”, she smiled without answering, her look delicate as a flower.
Soon after, she was heard to say in a barely audible voice.
  “Little… BAD GUY!!!”
As if receiving an order to act, my dick went on the offensive against her peach blossom. I excitedly maneuvered my battle of power, fiercely moving in and out of her palace…she moaned in return, and I panted heavily, the air smelling of lust. I sat up with her in my arms, and her legs wrapped around and across my waist, bobbing violently up and down…the two intertwined bodies of flesh seemed to be hard to tell apart from each other any longer…the dance of the limbs was being staged, accompanied only by the cloudy gasps of the …….. In this night of lust.
The two of us struggled to intertwine, as if the only way to ensure the unity of our two hearts was through the union of our bodies. Beads of sweat continued to ooze out of her body, one by one condensing on her nose and sticking to her sideburns…Ru Sister’s eyes were misty, her cheeks flushed red like fire…she seemed to have completely indulged herself in this game of lust …. I could feel my whole body heating up, and a warm current of pleasure was running through my body. …. My dick felt like it was about to burst ….. Suddenly, an unprecedented feeling rushed to my head, feeling as if my whole body had fired all its energy, emptiness, pleasure, pleasure, emptiness…mountains and mountains of emptiness came one after another…I huffed and shook…wanting to yell and scream!
Ru Sister seemed to have reached an orgasm at the same time, her body was shaking uncontrollably, and a suppressed, pleasure-filled whimper came out of her mouth. I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her tightly, chewing and savoring the pleasure and languor of the passionate aftermath with her.
At this moment when the passion has faded and cooled down, somehow I have the wrong impression that the person lying beside me is not Ru Sister, nor Jie, … it’s someone I never knew or have long been familiar with. ….. Goddess!
Nineteen. Darkness follows water to the ends of the earth
In the morning, everyone was busy watching the sunrise. Only Ru Sister and I seemed to be still intoxicated by last night’s lovemaking, and were rubbing our ears together under the quilt. We embraced each other, kissed each other, melted each other’s two hearts and bodies, not knowing when it was white.
After checking out, before the crowds came in, Ru Sister and I took a tour of the forest recreation area with the morning dew. The path we took last night feels so different today. The morning mist was thinly layered, birds chirped, insects chirped, the air was refreshingly cool, and the light of the sky sifted through the leaves of the trees. I walked with her without words, thinking about what was on my mind, but I couldn’t bear to break the silence with words. Because of the heavy dew, the ground was damp. I held Ru Sister’s hand as we walked, and she smiled at me with a smile that mesmerized me… This morning, this road… How I wished that time would stop here; I also secretly wished that we would get lost in the mountains and forests, and cut off from going back to the earthly realm… I would like to be the Cowherd, and she, the Weaving Maiden! I would like to be the Cowherd, and she, my Weaving Maiden? As I thought about this, I was so distracted that I almost fell down.
With Ru Sister on the Highway Bureau passenger transportation, I know, this short time together or to fade away, I can not help but feel a little reluctant.
The passenger car was running, and I sat with her as she inclined her head to lean on my shoulder. In her hand, still holding my left hand, fell into a deep sleep. I looked at her clear face, satisfied, quiet, seems to be with last night’s wild and crazy, her gorgeous mood a little together. Perhaps last night was really that weaver descending to earth! She suddenly shivered a little, I looked at her lovingly, then took off his coat, draped over her. I looked out the window, the car quickly forward, the sky darkened down, and soon there was a light rain. The rain will come in, splashing on her hair to become a broken line of pearls, I hurriedly close the window. Not long after, the scenery outside the window blurred, the car window diffuse hazy vapor. I used my fingers to write on the car window, remembering the hours of yellow plum season, and such as love to do the game, … unconsciously wrote wrote, actually wrote a large and small, full of window Ilove you…. I stayed in a daze, watching the water vapor change, condensing into water droplets downstream, penetrating my words. Soon, bean-sized raindrops hit the car window, and the I love you I wrote also blurred, finally disappeared one by one… The rain is still falling, like a lover’s tears.
I think about the future, there is a trace of sadness in my heart, but I do not know how to restrain, I can only look at her in a daze, holding her hand …………
When I returned home with Sister Ru, I realized that her he had also come after her, and was chatting happily with my aunt and uncle. My uncle introduced us and I shook his hand, but my heart was burning with jealousy towards him. He was a gentleman in appearance, wearing a pair of gold-rimmed glasses, and stood a head taller than me. Ru Sister looked at him and seemed a bit surprised and embarrassed by his visit. Lunch began in this strange atmosphere.
  “Yumin, you’re not really a guest anymore, don’t be polite!” , Aunt Abbot greeted him warmly.
  “OH…Uncle, you’re too kind, I’ll just help myself,” he replied as his aunt and uncle helped him with a piece of fish.
  “Hung-chan, you’re on your own toooh…” , my aunt and uncle smiled at me as well.
  “OH, OH…I will”, I also answered, looking at him I can’t help but get jealous, the heart actually secretly hope that he makes a big mistake, lose a big scandal, in front of Ru Sister and his family, and Ru Sister just lowered her head and grubbed her meal, her face a little pale.
After the meal he went out with Sister Ru. I chatted with my aunt and uncle inside the house, but my whole heart was hanging on them. I felt a coldness spreading slowly in my heart, and an ominous feeling that I was about to lose the love of my life slowly came over me. I tried to explain to my aunt and uncle about my relationship with Ru Sister, but I realized that I didn’t know how to express it, and in what way… and I was afraid that they wouldn’t be able to accept it… Yes! …Will they accept it? My aunt and uncle kept talking about how good that Yumin was, how he was a good student, and how he voluntarily delayed the opportunity to go abroad for his cousin…he seemed to have made some kind of decision under his words…I was filled with a sense of powerlessness in my heart, as if I were a team with no hope at all, facing the world champion team…I just couldn’t and I wasn’t willing to lose…! I couldn’t, and I didn’t want to lose!
It was only when I saw Ru Sister come back that my confused heart settled down a little. I kept trying to talk to her, but it was as if she was intentionally avoiding me, even her eyes avoided my questioning gaze. I could only squeeze out a small smile to cope with my aunt’s kind concern. After dinner, I finally got a chance to be alone with her.
She and I were still pacing up and down the riverbank. I was full of questions, but I didn’t know where to start. Until she broke the silence.
  “Xiong, forget about me, okay!?” , she begged in a low voice.
This fine voice in my ears, as if a huge thunderclap, I can not help but tremble all over the body pain, full of heartache and sorrow, self-pity, so can not be suppressed to attack.
 ”……..” , I felt a lump in my throat and could hardly breathe for a long, long time before I could squeeze out a sentence
  “For …. Why?”
Sister Ru lowered her head, as if she had done something wrong, and I caught a glimpse of her eyes moistening up. She bit her lower lip.
  “We… don’t… Can… Go wrong again ….” , two lines of clear tears finally flowed down.
I looked at her dumbfounded, wanting to say something, but it seems to be all redundant… can not help but also shed tears… reached out to hold her hand, she just let me hold hands, let me use her palms to massage my face,…
  “Is it because of him!” , I questioned her as I rose up in jealousy.
She shook her head and lowered it again, tears still glistening.
  “Even without him, there would be no end between us ….” , she said quietly.
  “Between us, there should have been no love affair beyond that of sister and brother ….”
  “It’s just, we were both wrong!!!” , she said, tears flowing down her face in Milky Way.
  “We were wrong!!!”
  “No!!!” , I cried out.
  “We were right …..”
  “As long as you and I love each other, there’s nothing wrong or good,” I debated, as my sister reddened her eyes and just shook her head.
  “Xiong…listen to me.”
  “No! …I love Ru Sister, Ru Sister loves me, that’s enough!” , I shouted, seemingly convincing all of them.
  “Xiao Xiong ….” , her gaze seemed to beg me.
  “If…today, we are not sisters and brothers ….”
  “Maybe Sister Ru will accept you…but ….”
  “But …. But …..” , she choked a little.
  “No!!… I just know you love me too!!!” , I was like an unreasonable child.
  “Sister Ru loves Yoshi…it’s just…”, she tried to explain.
  “It’s just that he’s better than me!!!” , I stabbed her hard.
  “Not …. Yoshi…”
  “That’s not the point ….” , she still pleaded.
  “It is impossible for us to be together …..” , she said with tears streaming down her face.
  “How could you!?” , I stood up with tears in my eyes.
  “How could you cheat me like this!?” , I took a few steps back, as my sister burst into tears…The sky is drizzling lightly again.
I held up my left hand, the scar still visible, and I said fiercely
  “I have a sincere heart for you ….. How can you fail me!?”
  “Woo ~~~~~~”, such as sister seems to be unable to forbid my cross-examination, cover the face and ran home. I do not go to stop her, just paralyzed down, a blank in the brain, and seems to be stuffed with things, just chaotic, do not know how to organize. I sat on the embankment, looking at the moon in the pool, swirling with the waves, broken and untrue. The sky rain falls more and more big, hit in the pool, stirred up a ripple. I was like a zombie, just let the rain hit me, completely unaware. Only feel a heart full of scars, as if placed in the water sugar, gradually in the rain disintegrated and shattered …….
I don’t know how long I have been sitting there. Back to my cousin’s home, everyone was already asleep, and it was pitch black, with just a little bit of light coming out from under the crack of Ru Sister’s door. I pushed open Ru Sister’s door. I saw her sitting at the foot of the bed with her back to me, seemingly contemplating something. I looked at her slender back and suddenly went up to her and hugged her.
Her expression was blank, seemingly oblivious. Warm and supple flesh in my arms caused my lust to rise quietly, rubbing and mixing with a hint of resentment and intense jealousy. As if to retaliate, I hugged her tightly and ravaged her breasts with my hands. Started to kiss her neck, the back of her ears. She, however, was unmoved …. Just staring blankly at the mirror. I simply tore off her nightgown, revealing her white flesh and pink bra. I kissed her body like crazy, her neck, back, breasts, behind the ears… seemed to devour her. She closed her eyes and let me play with her body …….
I pounced on her and quickly removed her pajama pants, revealing her slender legs and tantalizing pink blasphemy. I quickly removed all my clothes and attacked her, pulling off her underwear, tearing off her panties, kissing and playing with her beautiful body. …. Just as I was maneuvering my brother to penetrate her womb, I realized that there were two tears streaming down her face. …….
These tears seem to be the most silent accusation against me. Is this the love I claimed to have for her? Is this the love I claimed to have for her? Suddenly feel a burst of inner confusion, looking at her in the mirror, sitting naked on her, it is as if I saw a wild animal, pounced on the prey to eat, the face of a hideous and disgusting. Look at her sad look, deplorable, heart rising lust, so slowly faded down.
I got out of bed, got dressed, pulled the quilt over her, she gave me a grateful look, I felt a strong pang of guilt in my chest, but inside I felt a gradual clarification. In truth, it was I who owed her more. She was so there for me, letting me, loving me, protecting me. And I, to her really all love? Or just thirsty for her youthful beauty more. In the end, I took pleasure in possessing her, not asking her how she felt, not envisioning her consequences. I said I would take care of her for the rest of her life, was it a promise or a means to trick her into trusting me? Even if it wasn’t deception, how could I live up to my promise? I claim to love her, but does she have to love me? If it’s just a unilateral determination or wishful thinking, then it’s not a betrayal ……
A bunch of questions flashed through my mind like lightning, what I was confused and didn’t understand before seemed to be clear in this moment, in her gaze…just the more answers, the more guilt and pain I felt for her. Everything good she did for me flashed through my mind again like a movie tape rewinding ……
I couldn’t help but kneel in front of the bed, tears streaming down my face ……
  “Sister Ru,…I was wrong!” , I’m full of guilt and don’t know how to express it, I can only clumsily ask for her forgiveness.
 ”…..” , she sat up in her cloak and actually resembled a goddess. She walked off the bed, kneeled down and wrapped her arms around me. My head buried in her naked breasts, no half of the lust, just feel as if back to childhood mother’s warm and soft arms, a safe haven. I shed tears, and then even snot… She also let me cry wet her breasts, and kept saying
  “I know, ……”
  “I’m at fault …..”
Ru Sister and I just cuddled, embraced, and lay on the bed until dawn. Only I know in my heart that this is the last time I ….. to embrace her like this.
No matter how great the love, there is always an ending, let alone my insignificant infatuation.
The end of my infatuation with my cousin was earlier than expected and not as painful as I had imagined, so I survived. Maybe it was the second time I fell out of love, so I was better able to withstand the blow; maybe it was the fact that my heart lost a lot of its ability to feel the outside world; or maybe it was the fact that I really figured it out, grew up, and realized that holding on to someone’s heart doesn’t necessarily mean that you can tie it up, and that knowing when to let go of someone is a much bigger trial, isn’t it? …. Anyway, the hurt didn’t last long. Disillusionment is the beginning of growth, perhaps, I am really growing up!
Three months after she left Ru Sister’s home, she learned that she would soon be going to the United States with her brother Yumin. Ru Sister was originally reluctant, mainly because she couldn’t leave her home, after her aunt and uncle persuaded her to get married and give birth to a fat son for her uncle to hold, she agreed to Yumin’s proposal. The wedding was held in the United States because the man’s family had emigrated. The last time I saw my cousin was a week before she left Taiwan. I ran to her house to look for her, and Yumin was there, helping her pack her bags. I stood there in silence, as if I couldn’t do much to help. Now I don’t dislike him so much, but I feel that my sister is better off than I am if she can marry him. Just looking at my cousin, there is still an inexplicable feeling in my heart. Thinking back to the two important women in my life, one left me, one is about to get married, and I seem to be all alone, I can’t help but feel a slight sense of loss in my heart. I can not lament or complain about anything, they have paid a lot, accompanied me through these youthful years, accompanied me to grow, tolerance and treat my stubbornness and unreasonable behavior …. In addition to gratitude and cherish, for them, I have what can be bitter and annoyed! I’m not sure what I’m talking about, but I’ve been thinking about it for a while now. I smiled at my cousin, and she smiled back, and I looked at her gratefully, with tears in my eyes.
When I left Ru Sister’s house, it started to rain and I walked out. A short while later, I heard Ru Sister’s voice calling me. She came after me with her umbrella. I stopped and waited for her. She came up, took my hand and handed me the umbrella. When I said thank you to her, I saw her eyes turn red. It made me want to cry too, but I held back. We walked all the way to the station, chatting about the future, the wind and rain, the feelings of separation. I took out a hand towel, the one Ru Sister gave me, and helped her wipe her tears.
  “Sister Ru, give it back,” I said, handing the handkerchief back to her.
  “There will be girls giving me miles later!!!” , I said playfully.
She nodded, smiled at me, and took the handkerchief into her arms. After waiting at the stop sign for a while, the car came. I let go of her hand and kissed the side of her face:
  “Sister…goodbye! …Take care and don’t forget me!!!”
  “I will! …You too… Stop being a crybaby!!!”
I jumped into the car, the passenger transportation slammed to start, in the hazy rain seems to see her figure, still waving their hands. I couldn’t bear to look at it anymore, so I turned my head away and squinted my eyes to sleep. Not long after opening his eyes, found his face reflected in the car window, blurred, eyes seem to be a little wet, I wipe my eyes, not sure whether it was just the rain, or I fell tears ………..
Thirty Me. Songs of the Twenties : An Addendum to the Memoirs of the Past
This year’s spring rain seemed particularly long and distracting. As always, like many, many days at Tsinghua, I wore flip-flops, held an umbrella, and traveled through the dormitory, the library, and the labs in the light breeze and drizzle. This triangle seems to define all my life at Tsinghua. Occasionally, on certain whims, I would stop by Lake Success and look at the fish swimming in the lake, the little egrets flying elegantly, the night herons meditating on the old monks, and the trees changing with the seasons. Perhaps, perhaps, at some point in time, will go around to the back of the mountain, and then humming, step down, by the way around to the Lotus Pond to sit and listen to the rain hit the remnants of the lotus. In springtime, the cherry blossoms reflect the red, hazy beauty and make me remember the Alishan and her stunning. Of course, most of the days, I am like most of the graduate students, buried in books, papers, occasionally sighed out to see a movie, and then in the consumption of their emotions, shrink back to the ivory tower, continue to do experiments, run the computer, make a paper, drink tea, stay up late ….. Convince yourself to hibernate quietly with all the conviction you can muster.
One evening around the year, I paced in the Tsinghua Garden again. Treading on the ground full of rain over the remnants of red, the heart actually have a side. The age of standing, as a matter of fact, should not indulge in sad spring and cherish the time; just this sheer rain, full of residual red, seems to have touched the heart of a vague emotion. I’ve examined my own emotions ….. The dream of the uncharted song is already far away, there is, just belonging to the just over thirty years old, inexplicable vicissitudes of feeling. It seems to belong to the youth of twenty or so years old, in the cold wind and rain, has soared further and further away. Cuckoo clamor in the branches, bloom in the rain shaking, occasionally fall to the ground as spring mud. I stared blankly, but was infected by a burst of sad spring mood, a long time can not be self ……
Back in the lab, I worked late into the night. There was no one around, but the faint sound of the radio accompanied me. A familiar old song came, but it was from junior high school. That era was the end of campus folk songs, right! We listened to Orchid Grass, just like your tenderness, and then moved to Li Jianfu’s Heir of the Dragon. Just those people, those things, once thought to have dusty fuzzy faded, and slowly emerged. I gradually recalled the youthful years of adolescence, a strange sentiment brewing in my heart. I tried to modify the program, hoping to work to suppress this floating thoughts flying, but a heart is like a wild horse out of control, further and further away, that is my uncharted song ah!
As if between them, a youthful teenager timidly opens the door and enters. It was the young me! I looked at him without knowing why, and he looked at me, speechless. Looking at my young self, many dusty memories became vivid. I was once a young man who was passionate, innocent, and confused by love and desire.
‘When I was young, my spring clothes were thin, I rode my horse and leaned on the slanting bridge, and the building was full of red sleeves.’
I looked at him in a daze, and I couldn’t help but feel a sense of shame in my heart. How much have I gained or learned in my own age? Is it better to protect yourself? Being more reasonable in the world? Know more truth? Or is it better at hiding and suppressing emotions, pretending to want, and not acting out of anger and joy? I know I’ve grown a lot, but I don’t know how much I’ve lost! In the ivory tower of academia, wrapped up layers of cocoon, weaving all kinds of beliefs, dreams, and now think, all is empty. Mature? Growing up? Or finding a better haven and an excuse to escape from the throes of love? When was the last time I was moved or cried? For a long time, I have been frightened by my own amazing rationality and fading susceptibility.
I came to study with a romantic heart. What attracted me to come here at the beginning was not the teachers, books and equipment…but the encounter with an egret in the rainy afternoon when I was watching the examination center. I paced on Lake Success, a thousand drops of rain painted ripples on the surface of the lake, and suddenly, in the misty rain, an egret elegantly flew across the lake, like a dream, like a fantasy, is it right or wrong? From then on this pattern was like a pattern engraved in my heart, never to be forgotten. I decided right away that this was my reason for coming here, the most legitimate reason.
My time at Tsinghua was like a set of programs that never ran wrong, with surprisingly regular rules. Intellectually, I boasted that I had grown a lot; but what about in life? I left myself with a big question mark. Perhaps there is no such proposition as the meaning of life, and even if there were, the answer would be different for everyone! Even so, as graduation is approaching, the grass and trees here, especially familiar, with a point of attachment. Now the most wanted, but also the most afraid to see, probably the red Phoenix Woods it? That parting color.
Suddenly, I realized that this past years will fade away into a broken and blurred past, and this is my young song! An impulse arose in my heart, induced by my young past, I began to knock down some past events, some people, some things, and some stories I heard. Occasionally I would bring some guests to sit with me and tell them some of their heartbreaking stories; sometimes it was my slightly older self who came to teach me; or the young me, who had dallied in the affairs of men and women, who was confessing over there. …. So a piece of text, so from the keyboard flowed out …..
It is the origin of the Memoir of the Past, which is supplemented here.