People say, celebrities say, great men say, “You can’t live without love, and you don’t live at all.” But I see so many people around in no love to live, no love, rely on the love of sisters, rely on the love of friends or rely on the love of other people’s husbands and wives to steal some love, and even rely on the nightly TV series, to maintain the life of the living, so that the day and time day by day flow away. This flowing time that is slow and rapid, instantaneous trend and go, catch and can not be, but it is also empty. To the age of puzzlement, the final state of mind to calm, everything is not alarmed, indifferent to the world, love love, sisters love, friends love. If you don’t love them, then the stolen love can stay, but not stay.
Dibble’s face couldn’t be described as pretty, it didn’t seem to be described as elegant, it was one of those extra vivid ones, her eyes flowed and she had a nice speaking voice. Dibo hair is very long, permed with broken waves, there are a few locks dyed blonde. Usually always seemingly randomly and loosely pulled behind the head, from the back of a hair especially a woman’s charm, she likes to wear small boots, long skirts, colorful short sweaters, winter change, are cashmere coats. Everywhere she went, she carried a huge, dark-colored leather backpack. Seeing her you would guess that this vivid woman. There must be a lot of vivid stories in the relationship, too, right? But Dibble says she doesn’t have any stories because she’s divorced and it was her husband who abandoned her.
Crying, he suddenly shouted out loud, “Jiang Zhe! You asshole!”
I’ve been divorced for 6 years now and now live with my daughter who goes to school and lives there and comes back every weekend. It’s unbelievable to say the least. All my friends are puzzled by my divorce, they think that a woman like me, who has a decent job for a man, has notable taste in clothes, and lives a flirtatious life, can be both a sign for a man socially and a family member who doesn’t need to be burdened with anything. It seems unthinkable that a woman like me, who has class, an independent personality, knowledge and independence, would be dumped.
Also, when I was in college, my ex-husband Jiang Zhe was also in our class. He chased me back then that crazy strength, and now still our class party talk, you see I am now stained with a cultural circle of women’s kind of regardless of the vices. In fact, in college, I was a cold beauty, quite a lady, my ex-husband said, chasing me that is a struggle. Give me more than two hundred hints can not see, anxious ah! Because it is difficult to chase, but inspired his fighting spirit.
Later, how do we pick out, as if it has reached the fourth year of college, everyone is busy contacting the unit in fear, but at that time also assigned by the school, looking for a job is not as difficult as the current college students. Jiang Zhe belongs to the kind of wilting, like also do not say, silent guardian you kind of. For example, school years, I just go to the library, Jiang Zhe quasi-go, always sitting in my not far not close to the place, not moving to set in that look at me fondly, so that I am particularly annoying, then no less than to give him the cold shoulder, and sometimes in public to give him a cold shoulder or a few words of damage, he did not refute, or that strength. Later, I got used to it. Jiang Zhe these years in the university has been quietly pursuing me, no sound, but no matter what he did for me always let me feel. In fact, I recognized that love for him in my heart, is to hate his old so meaty, love in the heart do not say, it is because of this sticky strength, so that I always have a share of nameless fire on him, I damage him, to give him a cold eye, so that he made a fool of himself in public, is to stimulate him, do not always be so circuitous to circuitous to go, frontal attack, once on the line. But how can I say it out loud, I just look at him like a blind man touching like in the blind busy.
Finally one day, I went to the library to check the information, found that day he was not in, the heart is a little lost, but not good to show it, had to come out of there in and pretend to be busy checking something, but the eyes can not help but look at the empty seat next to it, just at this time, Jiang Zhe came in, listen to the movement is quite big, unlike the usual kind of quiet. I naturally made a look as if I didn’t pay attention to him at all, and lowered my head there to haphazardly flip through a few books in front of me. Later, I realized that in front of my desk, there seemed to be a person standing. Lift your eyes to see is Jiang Zhe, that day he seems to have just drunk, red face, the first time so wantonly look at me, I hurriedly looked around, well in the hall seems to be busy in their own no one noticed us, I turned back, said in a bad mood: “Why?” Jiang Zhe suddenly grabbed my arm and lifted me up, saying, “Go, get out!” I struggled twice, but he lifted me tighter, and I was dragged out of the reading room. Then I was pinned against the corner of the corridor, Jiang Zhe against me and said, “Fall in love with me!” I shook off his hand and rubbed my arm, “What the hell! You’re hurting me!” He said again, “Fall in love with me!”
I was thrilled, thinking that this big meathead, the frontal general attack has finally begun, just then, I suddenly realized. Vaguely behind him, I heard a stifled giggle, and a couple of boys poking their heads out of that end of the wall. One of the boys seemed to have been pushed out in the middle of a squeeze, and the boy quickly shrank back, followed by another burst of stifled, garbled laughter. Instantly my nameless fire pushed up against my chest, what with the total frontal assault, it was obvious that this drunk guy had made some kind of bet with the boys, and I slapped him in the face, cursing under my breath, “Asshole!” Then I pushed him so hard that he fell a little helplessly to the heel of the wall across the hall, his head hanging down. I ran back to the dormitory and fell head over heels on my bed and cried! Crying and crying suddenly shouted, “Jiang Zhe, you asshole!”
I knew that I was in love with him, even though the courtship scene was made to look so ridiculous. Later I also know, that day they eight boys drink together, drink to the end, everyone’s topic of conversation naturally focus on women. Later, a boy in our class Zhu Jun said Jiang Zhe is the world’s number one fool plus wimp, can not chase women, this life can only play bachelor, also said if he was replaced, like me such a woman, a time can be taken, and so on, and later, they coaxed. Bet today if Jiang Zhe confessed to me, they each lose 50 dollars, Jiang Zhe probably felt that day he was too disgraced, plus drink a lot of wine, wine strong people so boldly took the boys to the library reading room, and then, it is the scene I mentioned earlier.
After graduation, I married Jiang Zhe, and then we had our daughter Qinqin. Jiang Zhe was not very expressive, but he would do a lot of things at home. At that time, I went to a publishing house, and he went to a pictorial newspaper, but we both worked as editors. In those years, the publishing industry was being hit by individual booksellers, and publishers were in a period of transition, beginning to focus on the market, and developing some incentives. I was, at that time, always thinking about catching a bestseller. I read a lot of newspapers and magazines every day, trying to find publishing leads there.
Finally, one day, I read in a newspaper about a person who had made it big during the Cultural Revolution because he had been used by the Gang of Four at the time, and had been under scrutiny since the fall of the Gang of Four. After the downfall of the “Gang of Four”, he has been in a state of censorship, and now he has just regained his freedom, found a small unit and is ready to lead a normal life. I was moved by the fact that a person who had made it big at the peak of the political scene and who had been a prominent figure in the past had become a prisoner overnight, and in his old age he had to endure loneliness and the coldness of the present society as well as the difficulties in his life, and this kind of destiny of a person with such a great ups and downs would be a great success if I could write it out, and with the fact that he had been a great figure during the “Cultural Revolution”. “Cultural Revolution” during the social popularity, and his current situation, are likely to become the best selling point in the market, this book is sure to be a bestseller, I immediately contacted the newspaper, to find the interviewer, to get the address of this former red figure.
The next day, I went straight to his home, I did not expect to knock for half a day, before a woman answered inside. But did not open the door, I had to explain through the door, inside the woman said we are now ordinary laborers, do not want to become a public figure, do not want to be interviewed. The last report has attracted a lot of trouble, do not want to deal with the media again. I said, “I’m not the media, let’s have a face-to-face interview. The woman inside paused for a moment and then said, “Forget it! I’m sorry, we really don’t want to show our faces in society anymore. And he’s not in very good health right now. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please understand!” I couldn’t say anything else after she said that, but I really didn’t want to give up such a good pick.
I just sat on her door and waited to see if they would come out. As a result, I waited until 9:00 p.m. and they didn’t come out, so I came home. Hungry and cold, Jiang Zhe and his child had already finished eating, he was discussing math problems with his child, I came in, Jiang Zhe said that the food was in the kitchen, and then went to the kitchen to heat up the food for me. I put down my bag and ate while thinking about how to convince that red man again. Jiang Zhe sat at the table for a while, saw me not raise my eyes just eat, also ignored him, I heard him seem to sigh and went back to the child’s room.
At night, lying in bed, Jiang Zhe told me that Qinqin recently stomach is not very good, may not be used to school meals, want to think of a way. He also said that yesterday he went to a parent-teacher conference, and the teacher said that Qinqin has been regressing a lot in math lately, and that she wants her parents to catch it. I was full of how to take this selection. I didn’t make a sound when Jiang Zhe said anything. Later Jiang Zhe’s hand reached under the quilt to touch my breasts. Every time he wanted to have sex with me, he didn’t say anything and just touched them. He is also very careful when making love, and always looks at me with the same kind of eyes. I grew up in a special traditional home, to make love to this kind of thing has been no concept, grow up so big and Jiang Zhe came, Jiang Zhe always take me as a goddess for. The first thing you need to do is to be careful and never act out of character. I seem to have never wantonly wantonly my emotions, two people so rules and regulations, so the society published those books describing sex written in the woman’s feelings when making love, what numbness, body soft, hot, as if the feeling is not so strong. Jiang Zhe do what action is also hesitant, a number of times I think in the moment he inserted, straight up, holding my legs, as if especially want to open my legs, to see how he inserted. Every time I feel that this action is particularly indecent, particularly obscene, desperately wrenching his legs to prevent him from seeing, every time he saw me like this will also stop.
That night, I was even more emotionally exhausted, I somewhat mechanically set aside his hands, and then turned his back to him, he seemed to hesitate, a moment later, his body leaned over again, he made in line with my sleeping position “zig-zag”, so that the whole body close to my body. His hands came from under my armpits and once again took hold of my breasts and gently rubbed them, his lower body rubbing against my back, and I didn’t move.
A moment later, I asked Jiang Zhe, “Do you think that old man will agree to publish a book?” Jiang Zhe suddenly did not move, and then jerked out his hand, turned outward and said sullenly, “I do not know!” I turned around, lying on his shoulder and said, “What’s the matter! Why do you care so little about me?” Jiang Zhe also did not say anything, slightly outward blocked my hand, said, “Sleep!” And then refused to make a sound anymore. The next morning, I went to their home again, finally waited until 4 o’clock in the afternoon, the two mouths only out, I hurriedly greeted, said yesterday, just want to come today to say sorry, I said, they seem to be embarrassed.
Later, even invited me into the house. That’s how I kept going to his house in the future without proposing a book. I helped him contact his work and solved the inconveniences in his life. At that time, the lot of their home was in the process of demolition, he lived in a private house, during the “Cultural Revolution” counted as public housing, demolition of some of the policies are not easy to implement. I helped to find friends to get through the relationship, and finally solved the demolition compensation program according to their requirements. Later, they promised to publish a book. I immediately gave them a recommended writer, let them dictate, the writer adapted the record into a text, honestly, this may be my life as a publishing editor of the most colorful one. Because after the publication of this set of books, immediately on the charts around. My reputation in the publishing world, who said I was a bestseller. At that time, I was busy and excited, in order to promote the publishing house arranged for me and the former red figure, province by province to engage in the debut ceremony, signing books. I was so busy and excited that the publisher arranged for me to go from province to province with the former red figure to do the launching ceremony and sign books! I know that this book is a step up in my career.
Dibble’s expression stiffened a bit as he spoke. Then she stood up, said I’ll make some more tea, and went into the kitchen with the pot. A moment later, coming out of the kitchen, I saw both her eyes red. Apparently she had been crying in the kitchen. She smiled at me in a somewhat disguised way. Said, “Drink tea! Drink tea!!!”
“I’m not going! To hell with the premiere!”
I’m busy for my book, every time I come back from the field and Jiang Zhe said, Jiang Zhe listen to not speak, often I said a while to see his lack of response. And also special angry roar: “talk to you, you hear it!” Jiang Zhe said: “Listening! You say, you say!” At night we slept in bed, I suddenly realized that since the last time I refused him, he seems to have no initiative. I wondered if it was because I didn’t want to and he didn’t dare. He’s always looked to me to do what I want. This kind of thing was probably no different, and I figured I shouldn’t leave him too cold. So I took the initiative to stick it to him. If it had been before, he would have been especially pleased, although there weren’t many times like this, but that day he didn’t turn his head, reached out and patted me on the waist and said, “Rest, rest!” At that time, I was still grateful for a moment in my heart, thinking that Jiang Zhe was really considerate.
Just like that, finally there was a time, that time probably I just came back from Jinan, as soon as I entered the house, see he made a table of rice, I washed my hands and sat over, picked up the chopsticks and ate, very casually asked: “Have you guys eaten?” Jiang Zhe answered only half a day later, “Qinqin went back to her grandmother’s house today.” I asked, “Why?” Jiang Zhe suddenly said to me in a very serious and solemn manner, “I want a divorce!!!” I said, “What?” His answer was still so solemn and serious: “I want a divorce!” You know how I felt at that time, there are no words, the whole person is stupid, how can I not think of Jiang Zhe want to divorce me, I put down the chopsticks, straight to ask him: “What’s wrong with you, we are not living well?” Jiang Zhe in that moment really become a Jiang Zhe I do not recognize.
He didn’t hesitate at all and quickly asked back, “Do you really think you’re doing well?” Then, he didn’t allow me to say anything else and continued in one breath, “Bo! You’re very good, but you know what? I’m too tired to live with you, not physically tired, I became a family, do these chores, I’m not afraid of tired, this is the responsibility of marriage, I should. I mean heart tired, married for so many years, you never consider my feelings, all your life, how you want to be centered on you. You want me to cooperate with you at all times, as if I should do everything. Bo, it’s too tiring for me to cooperate with you all the time! I know how you react to this, whether you react or not, I don’t care anymore, I just want to leave.”
Originally the next day, the book author and I have to go to Sichuan, I immediately call them, said this time I can not go. Our room’s Guan Zhuan immediately anxious, said: “the activities there are your own contact, you do not go, we go to what arrangements do not touch the door, looking for who do not know, that where can ah!” I don’t know what happened, but before Guan Zhuan finished speaking, I shouted into the phone with a sobbing voice: “I’m not going! Let the debut ceremony go to hell!” Then I slammed the phone.
Put down the phone, I was at a loss. I didn’t know what to do, then I took out my phone book and called Zhu Jun, who is also our classmate and has a good relationship with Jiang Zhe. He was the one who encouraged Jiang Zhe to confess his love to me at school. As soon as Zhu Jun answered the phone, he said: “What did Jiang Zhe say?” I said: “He didn’t say anything. I said, “He didn’t say anything, just want to divorce me.” Zhu Jun didn’t say anything on the other end of the phone for half a day, and then said, “Come over here!” So I went there, and I realized it when Zhu Jun said it. When I was developing the book market and looking for topics, Jiang Zhe and Qin Ruyun, the editorial staff in their room, had fallen in love. That Qin Ruyun said is the editorial service, in fact, at the beginning is their room to find a cleaning of the Sichuan working girl, just in this dry special fast. Slowly in addition to cleaning also responsible for some editorial work, and said that the editorial work, that is, to send a manuscript to take a manuscript of a kind of work. Because they are a pictorial newspaper, so the main work of the editorial services are pictorial newspaper editor in doing. That little girl is not very educated, at least seven or eight years younger than Jiang Zhe, according to Zhu Jun said also not very beautiful. I was dumbfounded when I heard it. Half a day before I came back to my senses, I asked Zhu Jun, that girl does not rely on the age of small!
Zhu Jun said, “We are also old classmates for many years, I told you Jiang Zhe is really not because I saw her young.”
I said, “So what does he see in her?”
Zhu Jun said, “She’s hot! She is flirty! She’s considerate of men. She makes men feel like a man. How to say, she makes them confident, men are not tired with her, all these you didn’t give him. Honestly, when Jiang Zhe told me about this more than a year ago, I was so understanding that I kept this covered for him. It’s not that I’m that bad! Don’t look at me as a talker, but my heart is not bad, but in your marriage with Jiang Zhe, I especially sympathize with Jiang Zhe. At school, Jiang Zhe treated you like a goddess. On the night he married you, he told me that it was the honor of his life to pursue you. But after the marriage is to live, pots and pans, but also all day for the goddess like for you to live. You are so cold, so noble, home chores do not bother to do, that Jiang Zhe is really too tired to carry. Qin Ru Yun does not have much culture, and sometimes the words she says are quite vulgar, but she definitely makes the man the focus and the centerpiece. I won’t hide it from you, Jiang Zhe and I have also been iron brothers for so many years, and he told me more than once that in bed, Qin Ru Yun’s flirtatiousness and passion gives him satisfaction he’s never had before.” I interrupted him, “Stop talking ……”
I don’t know how I left Zhu Jun, I must have looked so miserable and disoriented that I felt my whole life had collapsed. At this moment, I felt that the best-selling book I made on the book list was just a meaningless “nothing happened”, I thought I just kept walking on the street. Until 4 o’clock in the afternoon, I fell on the curb, not caring about the passers-by surprised to see a well-dressed woman sitting on the curb, let the tears flow, then, I stood up, decided to go to find Qin Ruyun, I really want to see what kind of a person, can Jiang Zhe such a loyal and honest people captive.
I forgot to take a taxi, and even ran away, almost two hours to Jiang Zhe’s office. At that time, it seems to have finished work, the whole building is dark. The whole building was dark, but Jiang Zhe’s office on the second floor was lit up. I ran up to the door and suddenly heard Jiang Zhe’s voice. I suddenly heard Jiang Zhe burst out laughing. To be honest, after so many years of marriage, this is the first time I’ve heard Jiang Zhe laugh so freely. I didn’t even think about it, I pushed the door and went in, and saw Jiang Zhe sitting there, leaning his back on a woman’s chest. The woman sat on the table with her arm around his neck from behind, is lowering his head to say something to him, I think just now Jiang Zhe’s laughter is to listen to the woman’s words caused by what it! Looking at the two of them, a piece of relaxation, a pleasant one.
When they heard the door, they looked up violently at the same time and were fixed there. I stood in the doorway and vaguely felt Jiang Zhe sit up straight violently at that moment, both arms spread back as if to protect the woman. This action broke my heart. I couldn’t care about this and said to Jiang Zhe in a stern voice, “I’m not talking to you!” Then I pointed at the woman and said, “You! Come here!” Jiang Zhe immediately stood up upon hearing this, turned around and wrapped his arms around the woman, whispering, “Don’t go over, don’t be afraid! I’ll do it!” That woman is Qin Ru Yun, her appearance is a typical Sichuan girl, not pretty, but at first glance is to spoil the man, will coax the man of the kind of small woman. Only she is not the kind of unenlightened countryside girl I thought, not only is she not afraid, she also pushed Jiang Zhe’s hand away and said to Jiang Zhe: “Don’t worry, I’ll talk to her, you go first!” Then she walked straight to me. That calm demeanor made me momentarily at a loss as to what to say to her.
You know, that conversation, I really lost so bad, see Jiang Zhe from between us two women gray after, Qin Ru Yun generous pointing to a chair, said: “Sit ah!” I was already angry, just mechanically according to her greetings to sit, after talking, I realized that I am not her opponent. She sometimes persuaded, sometimes threatened, sometimes cried, in short, a sentence to let go of Jiang Zhe, she can give Jiang Zhe happiness, the situation at that time was completely passive me. I only remember the most damaging sentence she said was “Big sister, you have culture but you don’t know men, you don’t know what men like.” Qin Ru Yun look at my eyes and the words she said, I grew up so big by the most serious injury, so that this injury from that day onwards lifelong accompanied me, like a piece of you must always wear, but never wash clean jacket, this stained jacket is so broad daylight, let me ashamed of myself. The confidence I had built up over the first half of my life was shattered. You know, those were the days when I soaked in the abyss of self-doubt every day. I was afraid to meet everyone, and I had such low self-esteem that no matter what I did, I was sure I wouldn’t be able to get it right. It seemed like I was apologizing every day, and late at night, I felt humiliated that I was even alive.
I finally couldn’t stand it, with Jiang Zhe for divorce procedures, just those days, I suddenly especially long for affection, I finally thought, I lost everything, but also can’t lose the affection. No more affection support, I may have to live like a dog. I put forward, divorce can, daughter to me, in fact, so many years, I day and night to busy themselves, daughter basically is Jiang Zhe brought up. Qinqin is also the most pro with his father, in those days, Qinqin is like a life-saving straw in my life, I mobilized her, hey! How can I say this? Qinqin agreed to work with me or Jiang Zhe did. In the divorce, Jiang Zhe has always felt guilty to me, I know he must not let go of the qinqin, but he is to try to meet my requirements, right. Less than a year after the divorce, Jiang Zhe and Qin Ru Yun married, and now they are doing well, and have a son.
Divorce the year I was 38 years old, is the most embarrassing age of a woman, I rearranged the room, every day only qinqin in the time, I am formal and regular meal, qinqin if you go to grandma’s house or his father’s house, I even to their own cooking mood, not at home to eat, and do not want to eat outside alone. I just leaned back in the sofa and read the newspaper while eating some messy snacks, and the night was over. In the past, when I was not divorced, I had no scruples about who I was with, and I was very casual about who I was talking to. An office colleague, as well as a friend, said what yellow jokes are not taboo. Where to go to play also do not worry, but this divorce is not the same. And male comrades to deal with, you do not feel how it, he there first idea. Colleagues at the dinner table to talk about the work also have to be very careful, or misunderstanding. And also net meet the aggrieved thing, I realized that the whole society is still quite discriminatory against divorced women. I realized that society as a whole is still quite discriminatory against divorced women. In addition, I used to think that it was nothing, but now I feel aggrieved by a lot of things. My heart has become sensitive and fragile, and I don’t even have the courage to socialize. Whenever I get off work, I want to stay in my own house and not come out.
My parents see me like this, especially distressed, they mobilized relatives and friends to introduce me to the object, do not introduce do not know, an introduction of a big shock, those introduced to the man is either very old, about 50 years old. Either they are full of quirks, or they are ugly. Every time I see the end, my heart is difficult half a day, every time, Jiang Zhe on my good, especially clear in my memory, Jiang Zhe always give me a warm feeling, without him, and then see such a group of guys, my heart feels especially cool. My parents look at this, all day long sigh. They said, “I’m sure there’s nothing good about a man over 40 who relies on introductions. I’m not sure how much I’m going to be able to get out of this, but I’m sure I’ll be able to get out of this,” he said.
How did it happen later, it seems to be after one year. One day Zhu Jun called me, said about a few classmates and a few from the field into the Beijing business friends, to get together, want me to go over, Zhu Jun since the last time that time and I talked to him, he always feel sorry for me, for Jiang Zhe to hide the cheat me for so long, the divorce of a year, he often give me a call, there is something old call me, I know he a piece of good intentions, but things have come to this point, I and Zhu Jun can still care what! I know he has a good intention, but now, what can I do with Zhu Jun? Hearing him call me, I was silent for a while, Zhu Jun knew what I was worried about, and immediately said: “Jiang Zhe is not coming.”
That night, Zhu Jun about a very famous bar in the east of Beijing, said the bar, that place is very big, and old so dark black. I and Zhu Jun and a few of their classmates came a few times, feel the atmosphere and my mood is also in line with, at least stay in the inside do not feel too difficult. On that day, there seemed to be a lot of people, a circle of people sitting in a crowded, Zhu Jun first introduced a what Taiwan company’s boss, called Wu Haoge, said tonight is his treat. He said that he would be his guest tonight, and that he wanted to meet more friends when he first came to Beijing. I look at that person, fat, but no beer belly, wearing a set of senior suit. He had a modest smile on his face. Later we played a kind of Wu introduced me to the Taiwanese young people often play the drinking game “Dare to Tell the Truth”, that is, with rock-paper-scissors first on the winners and losers, and then we asked the losers: to “Dare or Tell the Truth”? If you choose to take a risk, the group will let you do something very embarrassing that you normally wouldn’t dare to do. If you choose to tell the truth, you will be asked to tell the truth and answer with a very private word, and if you can’t do or tell the truth, you will be punished with a drink. This game is quite exciting, that night we yelled and screamed to play very happy.
When it was my turn, I somehow chose “Dare”, once I chose it, all my friends who knew me well were very excited to see that I was always rational and could choose “Dare”, we all felt that it was really enjoyable. Zhu Jun bit his ear with the others with a bad smile on his face, and then said, “Show your underwear to Mr. Wu.” My face immediately red, if usually I hear others so say so vulgar words, certainly feel too low, but for some reason, that day I have a mood in my heart, always want to indulge themselves once, I did not object to stand up and walk to the front of Mr. Wu, bend down the body, undo a button, undo another button, a total of three buttons, I wrapped in a flesh-colored bra of the breasts just so in front of Mr. Wu exposed. At that time, the whole scene was a riot, other young people sitting around all look this way, Wu Haoge embarrassedly shook his two hands, a little overwhelmed and said: “Can it! It’s okay!”
At that moment in my heart, I suddenly felt especially painful. I thought later, maybe because Jiang Zhe smacked me as “cold beauty” and left me, and Zhu Jun said that Qin Ru Yun is very slutty, let Jiang Zhe enjoy the sexual pleasure he never had stimulated me. I think I had a kind of pleasure of being a bad woman at that time, a kind of feeling of revenge on myself and others. That night, I lost a lot of times, drank a lot of wine, and definitely made a lot of fools of myself. Because later on, I almost can’t control myself to unbutton my clothes, my mouth is talking nonsense, everyone may look at me not right, let Zhu Jun persuade me, Zhu Jun came over to hold me, give me to fasten the buttons, I unlocked one he fastened one, while tying and also while pacifying me: “Okay! Okay!” I smiled at him. He patted my face while complaining in my ear, “If I had done this earlier, Jiang Zhe could have left you!” Good! If he didn’t say it, it was like a floodgate was opened, I suddenly stopped moving, and then I jumped on the big coffee table and just buried my head and cried loudly, everyone was stunned by my crazy behavior. Everyone stayed there, looking at each other, and didn’t know what to say, and then thought that the scene must be especially embarrassing. Zhu Jun said to everyone, “Why don’t I send her back first?” At this time, Wu Haoge stood up and said with a humble face, “It’s more appropriate for Mr. Zhu to stay here, you brought all the parties here.”
I do not know why I was so sad, probably since the divorce has been accumulated in the heart of a resentment, has not been vented, that day by the strength of the wine all out. I sat in that Mr. Wu’s car, I still cry ah! Crying ah! Mr. Wu drove a little overwhelmed, several times carefully asked my route, I was a lift of the eyes to point and cover my face and sob. Later, Mr. Wu and I entered the house, he helped me to bed, and then he was so quiet, concerned, sitting next to me, and did not say anything. Later, I calmed down, and then I said to Mr. Wu, “Sorry!” Mr. Wu said understandingly, “It’s okay! Everyone has moments like this.” At that moment, listening to him speak such soft Taiwanese Mandarin, a very warm feeling surrounded me, and I felt that for the first time in so many days, my frightened and anxious heart had calmed down, and I really wanted this moment to belong to me forever and ever.
Maybe it was because I was too lonely, or maybe I wanted to keep that warm feeling too much. That kind of warmth with the departure of Jiang Zhe, has not appeared, only Wu sent drunken me home that day, it came back, I was too attached to this feeling, for this feeling, I fell in love with Wu. That was really a period of up and down days, I was sweet with Mr. Wu, he and Jiang Zhe’s temperament is similar, both are the kind of special modest and warm, but Wu Haoge can mobilize my infinite flavor in bed. When we make love together, it’s like a dragon playing with the phoenix, two people are always so enjoyable, see Haoge happy to the extreme expression, I think I used to be really very aggrieved Jiang Zhe. Maybe people can be more forgiving when they are happy. I even stopped hating Jiang Zhe for a while and sympathized with him.
Nourished by love, I started to publish books again with passion, this time, I started a few selections at the same time, every day like a happy bee, those days, every time Zhu Jun saw me, he teased: “alive again!” Such happiness didn’t last long. Hauge had become a regular visitor to our home, he often spent the night in my place, I also gave him a key, tell you can come at any time, I have decided that he is the object of my remarriage.
Things out of a very simple, the day we two piece of shopping in the mall, was about to swipe the card, his cell phone rang, he was busy answering the phone, he gave me his wallet, gesturing me to help him swipe, I opened the wallet the moment I saw a family photo of him, he and his wife, it must have been his wife, because the two of them stood in front of the side by side of the three small children of varying heights, the tallest one looks like eleven or twelve years old, and it looks It didn’t look any different from any other happy family. Everyone in the picture was smiling so happily. That night, Hauge and I had a big fight, I called him a liar, he has a wife and still in love with others, Wu Hauge told me with an aggrieved face at that time, he did not lie to me, I never asked him if he had been married, I said didn’t you say that you were 36 years old? I said, “Didn’t you say you were 36 years old? You’re even younger than me, so how come you already have three kids? Haoge Wu said, “I am 36 years old, I have 3 children, in Taiwan, it is normal to have 3 children at this age! He then expressed his loyalty to me, saying that he really liked me! He also said that if we are happy together, it doesn’t matter if we get married or not.
You know, my family was broken up by a third party, because of that third party, I know how much my spirit was hurt, and now I am asked to be the third party, isn’t it a great irony for me? My conscience and the injuries I have suffered do not allow me to be a third party, and I can never be a third party after what I have experienced. From my faith, from my dignity, from my conscience, from my feelings, I can’t tolerate me to be the third party. From now on, I can’t be with Wu Haoge, because as long as I am with him, the face of that gentle and delicate woman in his family photo will immediately appear in my mind, and I can’t let her suffer the same kind of harm that I once suffered. I can’t let her suffer the same kind of hurt that I have suffered. Not to mention that this kind of hurt also comes from me, which is really unbearable for me.
There is a kind of plausible feelings in the heart, but also up to here to leave Wu Haoge, my heart really cold and stiff, no worse than the heart to die, I read you a paragraph of my diary written at that time, you will understand: “People say, celebrities say, great people say ‘no love can not live, but also does not count as living,’ but see around so many people in the loveless live, no love love, by the love of sisters, by the love of friends or by stealing some love from other people’s husbands and wives that live in life, and even by chasing TV serials every night. But I see so many people around me living without love, without love, relying on the love of sisters, relying on the love of friends or relying on stealing some love from other people’s husbands and wives, or even relying on watching TV serials every night to maintain a living in life, letting the day and hour flow away day by day. This flowing away from the day when the slow and sharp, instantaneous trend and go, grasp and can not be, but also empty consumption. To the age of puzzlement, the final state of mind to calm, everything is not alarmed, indifferent to the world, love love, sisters love, friends love. If you don’t love it, then the stolen love can stay, not to stay. Hormones in the body at this time to abandon us, but also left a body and mind of the quiet desireless, someone told me that this is not confused, in fact, is confused can not be, just have to be so.”
However, my heart died, my body did not. Although I had just passed the age of no return at that time, the fire in my body was still always difficult to extinguish. Especially in the dead of night, the whole body is like wrapped in a burning lava magma, in the body to crash around, can not find the exit, legs will be clamped to the quilt on the bed to flop. When I get up in the morning and look in the mirror, my eyes are swollen and my lips are cracked and slightly open. Sometimes I laugh at myself in the mirror, lava doesn’t come out of my nostrils, does it?
Those days, I had to deliberately restrain myself every day, and to divert my attention, I made so many things for myself, one of which was to start taking care of my daughter without fail. But at that time, Qinqin’s age was in the rebellious stage, plus I had taken care of her very little before, and I was always confused about her preferences and needs. The food I bought from the supermarket was always my daughter’s least favorite. My daughter is tired of me asking about everything and doing everything for her. And because I don’t understand her mind, every time she is impatient with me, I feel more aggrieved, I don’t know how to get it, every time I am the kind of sudden outburst of anger, and then it is the side of the crying side of the number of chatter. At first, my daughter was stunned by this formation, but also obediently do not say anything, but from then on and I’m very angry, always say to go to her father, and then I broke out in anger, she did not say a word, pack up and slammed the door on the way out, and then it is the Jiang Zhe’s phone, told me that qinqin went to his place, asked me if I can live a few days, he said, I can not say anything.
Then, one night, I was just locked up in my house, browsing the Internet. I read an article about “false love”. My heart jumped up, I thought, I can not be so bitter. My age and then with any man in love, are only left to do the third part of the share, I can not accept me as a third party, I can not find a purely sexual partner? I think so, so boldly into a chat room.
I found a target after a few rounds. I never chatted on the Internet before, thinking that I could not talk to acquaintances, so what would I have to say to newcomers. Now I realized that it is too easy to know someone on the Internet. Then I thought that no matter how well I chat online, I’m still a stranger after all. It’s too dangerous to go to your home. Why don’t we go to a hotel, preferably in the daytime, as the other guy seems to do this a lot? Anyway, it was easy for him to decide on a location. That afternoon, I went there. On the way there, I cried again, probably because I felt too poor! I don’t know who to blame for getting into this mess.
How to say, that afternoon and that netizen met, said nothing to each other, and went to bed. In bed I saw his dark face, a treacherous look. From the clothes, at best, what is a company staff, but also than the wage earners decent, done, we did not say anything to each other, when he left, he asked can still contact me? I sat on the bed, my head on my knees and did not look up, said “say it again!” He let out a scornful laugh and then said, “Old sister! Bye!”
I sat there crestfallen. Instead of releasing the fire in my heart, it added another layer of disgust. I loathed the man, I loathed myself, I felt a terrible mess, and I thought for sure this would be my last time too. I realized that for me, it was the fact that I couldn’t sleep with someone I didn’t like and wasn’t in love with that didn’t do me any favors, but rather added to my worries. Maybe women and men are really different, isn’t there often literature about some man who, after losing the woman he loves, starts to debauch and sleep with countless women. Do you think there are countless women that he has not fallen in love with? There is really no, in the end, he will still think of the initial one, he so love that woman at the same time, but also and countless women to go to the desire, which women really can not do, it is difficult for women to maintain a purely sexual partner.
You see, I’m pretty good with Seo Ja Seung from our third editing room now, but he and I are just kind of close friends. My experience makes it impossible for me to be a third party, and unacceptable to have a sex partner without love. At my age, it’s a pipe dream to find another person I can marry. In fact, after so many things, coupled with my age, my heart had calmed down a long time ago. Xu Zicheng and I have nothing going on, it’s just that kind of mutual admiration and liking to be together, I won’t go to bed with him, but I don’t resent him hugging me or even kissing me when he’s happy. We might just attract some attention for a while. Then it’s nothing again and we go back to our separate lives. Or maybe the attraction will last longer. There’s a plausible feeling in my heart, but that’s as far as it goes, he definitely doesn’t want to get hurt over love, and I’m definitely not going to go jump back into the fire.
In fact, I think that in this world, there is still a kind of relationship between men and women that can be more than love. This kind of relationship can not involve the marriage, sexual intercourse and so on that a man and a woman must have in order to be in love. It’s a better relationship than a good friend in the general sense. I think it is most beautiful when a man and a woman can stay in such a state. Of course, I know that in order to maintain such a pure and natural love without involving sex, it requires a high degree of self-control on the part of both people, and this self-control is based on cultivation and a thorough understanding of life, which gives you a good sense of self-control. Xu Zicheng and I are currently in such a situation, and I quite like this feeling.
These days, we are jointly planning a set of bestsellers, this set of books is completely commercial operation, the selection of topics is also from a commercial point of view, the idea of Zicheng and I, is to make a set of books in this national big publishing house, a set of books that have become a complete set of commodities, and we both hope that we can once again test our ability in this commercial operation.
In front of her eyes, Dibo sat cross-legged on a large cushion with a cup of hot tea in her hand, and her face seemed to come back to life in an instant. A life experience, the woman who suffered for love, was hurt for love, and was flirted with by love, and was also fooled by sex, cultivated into a sensible woman. She learned to enjoy herself and appreciate herself. She knows that in the ocean of human emotions, modern people know too little and try too little, how many years of inherent values are blocking people to explore the depths of their own emotional waves.
Dibo said: honestly, and Zicheng with the day, the biggest benefit, I gradually pick up my self-confidence and enthusiasm for life, he gave me the biggest life enlightenment is that, for a person, there are a lot of more valuable than love to enjoy. For love to suffer themselves, not as much as the maximum to explore the other side of life, maximize their potential, every day with a surprise mood to meet the sun, take a good look at what they can still do, what can still be made.