“Got it!” I returned impatiently. I was in the middle of a conversation with my wife, Rain, and to be interrupted like this by him and that obnoxious old curmudgeon of a nationalist made me very upset. Mom, it’s still your turn to control me. Of course, this is only my heart, is not allowed to say out. At least on the surface, I am a good student who is not a bad student, but only occasionally more emotional.
Before I returned to my seat, I gave my wife’s soft cheek a quick kiss. Rain froze and her face flushed red. “Go!” Rain poked me with her finger under the table, then quickly lowered her head and stopped paying attention to me.
My favorite thing to see is the rain being shy, but I don’t have time to enjoy it now, because the old man who teaches Chinese literature has already stepped into the classroom. I go back to my seat. Another boring class is about to start. Alas!
Holy shit! Lin Beile! It’s about the Three Kingdoms again! This isn’t a history lesson. Even if it is, it shouldn’t be about the battle between Wei, Shu and Wu! Such a teacher should have been fired a long time ago! Who cares? He’s talking about him and I’m sleeping. Such a class, finally in my drowsiness to get through. The bell for the end of class turned out to be so beautiful. The sound of heavenly music is just like that.
“Lazy pig, school’s over!” Rain pestered my ear, lifting my head, which was originally lying on the desk, and gently pouted at my ear. Shit! What the hell. Anyway, I just like the sound of my wife calling me, although, I personally can’t accept the name pig head. How to say that I also think that the dashing style, tall and powerful, the world on the rare beautiful man, although this big handsome height is only 1 meter 65, the face is only a few times uglier than the nine holes only. But a man with poise like me will be very popular wherever he goes. Combined with my vomit-inducing smile, I am the most handsome man in the world!
After saying a hypocritical goodbye to all my classmates for eternity, I left the school in a very underhanded and signature way, carrying two schoolbags and holding Rain’s hand and pretending to be sexually blessed. Why be hypocritical? People who have been to school know it all too well, and don’t need too much explanation from me. Why pretend to be happy? It’s simple, I haven’t gotten my wife into bed yet. And what is my signature way of being underhanded? Anyone who knows me knows that I like to brag in front of people that my wife and I have hit I don’t know how many of these safe (that is, with raincoats) home runs. Proof of this comes in the form of my intimate behavior with my wife on campus. So it was that my intimacy with the rain on campus became the brightest sight my school has ever seen.
Rain’s full name is Hu Yushan (a.k.a. Hu Umbrella – purely tongue-in-cheek – don’t hit the wife!). She was born with a constant drizzle in the sky. When she was born, there was a constant drizzle in the sky. Her mother thinks it’s because the Mother Dragon, who lives in the deep sea, couldn’t bear the thought of her precious daughter being reincarnated on earth, so the Dragon Mother used her tears to bid farewell to her daughter and blessed her to be reincarnated in a good family. A good family? Taiwan’s chaotic world eh! But that’s it Yushan has the character for rain in her name; her parents call her Yu’er. I think it’s too whiny for me to call her Yu’er so I just call her Rain for short, but it’s just a little too manly. Anyone who hasn’t seen her before will 100% think I have a broken sleeve every time I call her name in a lecherous, gentle manner.
It’s not easy for me to chase after Rain. In my school’s school flower dinosaur Top Ten ranking worthy of my pride rain but ranked 11th, although it is not clear whether the school flower 11th or dinosaur 11th. Anyway, her ranking is very high. What’s the point of thinking about it? I love her. I love her. I want to sleep with her. Is that reason enough?
I remember now as if it was in the distant distant past, yes, about 1.5 years ago, when I started to bring to school every day a bouquet of roses that the owner of the florist store next to my house had thrown in the garbage the night before and a box of chocolates bought by my dead old sister that were leftovers and repackaged by me. Within a month, under my bombardment of flowers, chocolates and sweet words, Rain’s heart was finally opened by me. She slowly began to accept my declaration of love for her.
At that time, that month, that was really messed up all over the school, no one knows, no one knows. From teachers talking, to parents coming to school, to being imprisoned by parents, after a whole month of pain and suffering, breaking through all the layers of obstacles, Rain and I finally established a male-female love rivalry. I felt at that time that I had the ability and qualification to run for president of Taiwan when I grew up. Compared to Little Bush and Bian Bian…. Heck, I think I’m much more resourceful than them. Haha. Sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. However, if I do run for president in the future, please support me! I’d like to say thank you in advance. By the way, I’d like to add that my last name is Yang Yi Fei and my first name is Zi Hao. Yang Yi Fei, Yang Zi Hao is the district untalented.
Rain and I have grown more and more attached every day during our year and a half long marathon of a century long love affair. Now she and I have reached the point where we are as close as glue. For me, the only regret is that we haven’t slept together and tasted the forbidden fruit yet. I think the forbidden fruit must taste delicious. Why else would mom and dad like fried rice so much? Why else is Taiwan’s porn culture getting more and more Japanese? Or else why is the yellow and blue culture so popular all over the world? It must be because the forbidden fruit will be delicious and addictive! No, I must go to bed with my wife and taste the forbidden fruit that makes people go crazy and commit crimes. I have to cheat my wife into bed!
“Rain, my parents travel this bye six, and my dead old sister dies a lot.” I said softly with a tentative tone to Rain.
“It’s done for you, big slob! Free at last for once!” Rain rambled back in an attitude of utter disbelief.
On the way home from school, Rain is usually much more interested in kicking the stones under his feet than in talking to me. She argued that she was preparing to enter the Taiwan women’s soccer team. By interrupting her kicking rocks, I was interrupting the future of the Taiwanese women’s soccer team. This is really outrageous. Still, she was more interested in talking to me every day on her way to school. She says she’ll probably be wide awake by the time she walks to school this way. Motherfucker! What do take me for? Anyway, I still love her, very much. And she loves me just as much. I’m content.
When one plan fails, another one is born.
“Rain, I’m scared.” I put on a scared face after saying that.
“Afraid of what?” Rain looked up, obliterating her small mouth and squinting at me. “Afraid of the dark? Afraid of living alone? Afraid of being raped?”
I continued to look at Rain with a pleading look on my bitter face.
“Come over here and stay with me, Rain. I’m really so scared. Good Rain, stay with me now.” I pleaded as I held Rain’s small, soft, boneless hand. I know that I try to use as little force as possible when I am begging Rain. That way I can show my chivalrous demeanor as a man.
“Wait, I’ll just tell my aunt and uncle. Anyway, we live so close to each other, there’s no need to worry la!” I continued my softly-softly offense.
Rain turned to face me and said, word for word, “What are you playing at, Fi? Don’t think I don’t know oh.”
I looked straight into Rain’s beautiful eyes. So beautiful! I was so mesmerized. I wanted to do Rain right there in the street. Why is it that dogs are allowed to do what they do in the street, but two grown 1819 year olds are not allowed to show their love in the street? What kind of world is this? Even such fraternal piston movements are not allowed to be expressed on the street? It’s really a bad world, and the people are not in the right place. It’s sad and pathetic.
Since soft doesn’t work, I’ll go hard. A man is better off hard!
“If you don’t, I’ll…” Before I could finish the sentence, I reached down and pulled Rain closer to me and leaned my mouth over. And then free a hand ready to itch her. As long as I, a high-level swordsman whose martial arts have surpassed Lu Xiaofeng and whose color has surpassed Tian Boguang, put up a stance of killing first and raping later, I know that Rain will soon surrender.
“Don’t you dare!” Rain pouted her lips and bared them petulantly to.
Oh, my God! Isn’t this an obvious offense? Looking at her puffy cheeks like a frog blowing up a balloon, with her heart-thumping gasps ringing in my ears, I, as a first-class swordsman, did not hesitate to punish her on the spot.
She struggles; I resist. Passersby shook their heads sideways; we met on all fours; the road was a series of car accidents; we couldn’t stop.
Alas! Though I had set up my stance, I was not allowed to attack with all my might, and could only let my boundless imagination roam in my superbly incomparable brain.
However, the crime of kissing can be waived, but the crime of itching is hard to escape.
Rain let out a string of pleasant laughter with a trill. In such a public place, being salted by me in public, she was tickled, humiliated, and unable to hide, she could only beg for mercy.
“Haha. Fine, I promise, I promise.” Rain replied in a soft voice that was a bit uptight.
Hahaha. I laughed wildly in my heart. As the saying goes, “A good start is half the battle”. I’m already halfway there.
Wish me success!
In fact, a week earlier, when I was told by my parents that they were going to Taipei on a business trip, I had already begun to make thorough preparations for my first time with my wife.
7-11, the 24-hour convenience store chain, is really convenient. In my humble opinion, this is the second best invention since the betel nut girl selling betel nut in the nude. It is really beneficial to people.
The sea of learning sits in a boat; 24 histories (hours) all day after the wait.
I often go to the 7-11 in my neighborhood for late night snacks. However, to buy condoms, I think I should go to one a little farther away. I don’t want that cute shopkeeper sister to tell my parents and neighbors about me buying condoms. If they knew that I was going to do such a treasonous thing, it would be easier if they didn’t skin me 30%. What’s worse is that they are intentionally or unintentionally suppressing my sexual urges (I was going to say sexual orientation) while at the same time they want me to give them a fat grandchild as soon as possible so that they can hug me. What do they think I am? A hermaphrodite? Besides, is having grandchildren just for cuddling? That’s to be raised on their dime!
I rode my dead sister’s white-knuckle motorcycle to a 7-11 far from my house, which is usually staffed by young men who don’t even know what they’re doing. This store was different, the clerk standing behind the cash register was at least 30 years old and had a smart, capable look on his face. He smiled at me as I entered. It was the kind of smile that sent chills down my spine. I wondered if I had stumbled into one of those super 100-dollar convenience stores in horror novels. I couldn’t care less. Let’s buy the tools of the trade first.
The average person buys condoms with a bad conscious, so every time they buy condoms they buy something else and cover it up. I’m a straight shooter. I sleep with my wife although there is no full legal basis, but we have full emotional basis. The word “love”, why has been embarrassed. In this kind of society nowadays, there is no heavenly justice, there is no king’s law, my wife and I are good citizens who abide by the moral model.
I quickly walked over to the counter. I remembered that condoms were usually set up next to the counter of the cash register, as if the store owner was afraid people wouldn’t know they sold condoms. I’ve looked at them before, but never as closely as I did this time. Oh my god! What the hell! There are so many kinds of condoms for motorcycles. There are 3 packages; there are 12 packages; there are strawberry flavored; there are sizes; there are ultra-thin; there are condoms with thorns; there are condoms with sound; and there are different brands. I was really dumbfounded and drooling. It turns out that condoms also have a great deal of knowledge in it. In my head, I fantasize that one day I will become a condom doctor expert, that is really awesome oh!
I wanted to buy and try every kind of condom, but I was so shy that I had to pick only one. I half-squatted and stared blankly at the condoms that dazzled me. The handsome men and women on the condoms and the high bulges in their crotches and chests also looked back at me indifferently. People will die compared to others; goods will be thrown away compared to goods. Today, I have realized what is “self-evident decline”.
I silently picked out a box of 3-packs of small, regular-type condoms. I don’t know if I’m half-assing it myself, but I don’t know if others don’t know? At the very least, I picked the cheapest box. At this point, I still have a few moments of pride. I was born to be useful. Mr. Li has really spoken to my heart.
I walked up to this old store clerk with a condom in hand and a dashing one-upmanship smile on my face.
“Boss, another box of Marlboro!”, I said fervently, tossing the box of condoms onto the counter. I don’t smoke, but I need to buy a box of cigarettes now to get my nerve up to hide my outer strength in front of this clerk.
“ID?” Lao didn’t even look at the box of condoms and replied with a fake smile on his face and an indifferent tone.
Out of the corner of his eye, I could see a hint of sarcasm in his eyes. Circled. I don’t rub sand in my eyes. I’ve seen it all before.
I gave an awkward dry cough and said, “Forgot it.” Then, lowering my head, I sheepishly pushed the condom and whispered, “Just get this.”
Lao looked down, then with an air of total overwhelm I moved skillfully scanning, bagging, and reaching out for money. I hurriedly found my wallet, dropped the exact amount of Taiwan dollars, grabbed the condom, and hurried out of the convenience store with my head down and my tail between my legs. I could totally feel the unabashedly sarcastic gaze behind me. Defeated! With only one look, I was completely defeated in front of this old brother. I only blame Lin Bei for not being able to master the fine arts and not learning them well. Shame shame shame.
Outside the store the lights were on and there was an evening breeze. Prompted by the cool breeze, I was somewhat awake. I suddenly remembered that I had forgotten to buy the other tool of the trade – sleeping pills.
I want to have sex with my wife, I can rape my wife in a domineering way, I can seduce my wife in a gentle way, and I can sleep with my wife in a drugged way. The best strategy is to give up without a fight. I told myself that I should be gentle with my wife and never use force. Therefore, I choose to seduce. But to be on the safe side, in addition to plan A, I have to have plan B. If the seduction doesn’t work, I’ll put my wife to sleep and implement the sleep rape plan. I watched my own gradual metamorphosis from a full pervert to a semi-pervert to not a pervert at all, and was secretly proud of myself. I Yang Yi Fei is really a saint among men.
So why buy sleeping pills instead of drugs like aphrodisiacs or ecstasy? Sleeping pills are simple, practical, cheap and easy to find. Aphrodisiacs are too expensive; drugs hurt your body. I love my wife very much. I would never use that kind of shit on my dear wife. The use of sleeping pills is a high-class, upper-third-rate tactic. I don’t use it for nothing; I don’t use it for nothing.
I want to do it. Brother, I’m back! Turning back around, I stride back into the store.
“A box of sleeping pills.” I said in a fixed voice, looking straight into my oldest brother’s eyes.
Older brother looked me up and down, his eyes appeared surprised. Without saying much, Lao turned around and took down a box of sleeping pills from the shelf behind him.
I was full of confidence, but when I saw the price, I was dumbfounded on the spot. Shit! Sleeping pills can be so expensive!
Seeing my awkward hesitation and associating it with the fact that I had just finished buying condoms, Lao seemed to understand my intentions in his mind.
He shortened and drew another box of sleeping pills from low on the counter.
“It’s homegrown in Taiwan. It’s not as good as the Western ones, but it’s much cheaper.” He said in an insightful tone.
My eyes lit up and I grabbed the medicine in my hand unusually quickly, as if I was afraid it would grow legs and escape on its own.
“Any side effects?” I asked with some hesitation even though my heart was happy.
“There are no side effects. It’s just that the medicine is slow to work. It takes a while for it to take effect after taking it.” Older brother replied with a wry smile. As if reading my mind, he added, “Guaranteed to sleep until dawn.”
That’s a good point. He didn’t say “guarantee you or her a good night’s sleep”, he just ambiguously said “guarantee a good night’s sleep”. In other words, if anything happens, he’ll be able to shrug it off and I won’t even have a chance to drag him into it. Good! I like this kind of treacherous business style! It’s a blessing for Taiwan to have people like this doing business. As for my friends who want to know which brand of sleeping pills it is, I’m sorry, I still have to apply for a patent.
Everything is ready, all we need is an east wind!
I took Rain’s hand and returned to her house. My future father-in-law and mother-in-law have long treated me as half a son. Hearing my unreasonable plea, they agreed without even thinking about it. They were quick to betray their daughter, as if they were afraid that Rain wouldn’t be able to find a husband. They weren’t afraid that I would illegally abduct and sell Rain. Rain see things can not be violated, the situation can not be violated, but also shyly did not voice rebuttal. I know, in fact, rain heart happy. Just in front of the parents, or pretend to be a lady’s good. Image is important!
Time passes in an instant! In the blink of an eye, the weekend has come and gone. My plan to get my wife into bed is nearing completion.
On Saturday morning, after seeing off my parents, who had told me to say goodbye as if they were going to say goodbye to me, I walked slowly to Rain’s house. I could have gone there later in the evening, but my oldest sister had gone off to the runway again, causing me to have to plan my own lunch. Since my husband’s house is nearby, why don’t I take the opportunity to pick up Rain and have lunch there? Okay! The idea was decided and put into action. In fact, I had already thought of it, I just hadn’t come up with a good excuse before. Anyway, in-laws of the meal, do not eat for nothing, eat also eat for nothing. People say: “Grandchildren are grandma’s dogs, eat and go.” I said, “My son-in-law is my husband’s dog, so I’ll leave after dinner.”
After a full meal, I held Rain’s little hand and said goodbye to my in-laws’ family. Along the way, I looked at the innocent rain, thinking that tonight I can retire all the constraints on the rain, and rain naked wrestling, the heart is both excited (sex), but also nervous. No words on the way, rain and I quickly arrived at my now empty home. Empty some good, is suitable for me and rain in the evening to perform that must be unspeakable sex.
This afternoon, Rain and I sang karaoke in the living room until the neighbors almost came in to commit murder. Tired of singing, Rain and I watched two pirated movies. Ken’s movie is funny, but it’s too bad to be a movie. Don’t sue me, Xian! I know I’m wrong. You don’t have to go against me even if the movie sucks!
The night has come after a long afternoon of fooling around. Don’t think I don’t have a brain. I do things that I’ve thought long and hard about! Though the damn old Mandarin dawg implied that if I could even think, then sows would get up trees. The one who teaches Mandarin is just great, even the ones who do it are implied and they don’t even spit out dirty words. It’s just that I’m not bad at Mandarin and I never gave him a chance to screw me. You want to fight with me? No way!
Singing karaoke is a way for Rain to relax and get rid of her wariness. To watch Xian’s pirated movies, one is to save money, the second is to support the local industry, as if I buy locally produced sleeping pills, and the third is that Xian is more yellow. Watching the yellow movie, listening to the meat mouth, rain in this open-hearted laugh between the word “sex” more recognized, less fear. This is a good start for my next move.
I have worked very hard for this night. From buying condoms, sleeping pills, preparing for the movie karaoke, to convincing Rain, to arranging a candlelight dinner for just the two of us, I did all the preparations for my first time with Rain. Men. It’s only right to do all this. Hey, hey, hey. Mazel tov.
Rain watched with wide-eyed disbelief as I went about my business. One minute I put up two red waxes with happy words; the next I brought out my dad’s red wine that had been treasured for many years; the next I brought out the deli food that I had bought in the neighborhood; the next I brought out the egg fried rice, tomato scrambled eggs, and steaming hot egg soup that I had specially and personally made.
Why all the eggs? For one thing, I only know how to make eggs, and for another, it’s significant. Egg fried rice, we all know it by heart, no need for me to waste my breath. Scrambled eggs with tomatoes means that rain and I will be like tomatoes and eggs in a moment, tomatoes and eggs are so blended that we can’t be separated. I’m sorry, I’m actually the one who scrambled the egg. Egg Soup is even more powerful, once Rain and I can’t make a successful marriage, it will represent Rain and I’s future relationship as gentlemanly as water. Sorry, actually I forgot to put in the salt.
“Rain, do you still like it?” I whispered quietly as I gazed at Rain through the candlelight. Actually, I wanted to ask Rain if she felt romantic. It’s just that that would be too blunt and not suitable to be said directly by a passionate and spontaneous man like me.
Rain closed his eyes and took a quiet, deep breath.
“Fi, I’m so leaning happy!” Rain said slowly, opening her eyes slowly. “We haven’t been this romantic since the month you caught up with me.”
What the hell. I just thought she was so impressed that she was going to offer herself to me. But then she changed her mind and started to criticize me instead. What an ass’s heart. A dog biting Lü Dongbin doesn’t know what’s good for him.
“It’s good that you’re happy.” I whispered, holding in my dissatisfaction. “I’ll make it more romantic sometime in the future.”
I’m speaking against my will completely off the cuff.
Rain talked slowly about our future, her aspirations, my dreams. I matched each one of them with one another. My mind was really all about what was going to happen next. The meal passed slowly with Rain’s whispering in my ear and my distraction.
The candlelight dinner, full of warmth and tenderness, is finally coming to an end.
“Rain, I’m going to get you a glass of orange juice.” I said to Rain as dinner was coming to an end. I knew Rain had a habit of drinking orange juice after dinner.
Rain smiled sweetly at me. Her smile was really so delicate and cute. I couldn’t help but look dumbfounded. Seeing me infatuated with her, Rain smiled even more happily. She likes me. She especially likes the way I look at her with infatuation.
Obsessed with her, crazy about her; what’s the harm in a few storms, I murmured in my heart.
I walked into the kitchen with eyes full of love. Opening the refrigerator door and taking out the orange juice, I poured a full glass for Rain. From my pants pocket, I pulled out the sleeping pills that I had already prepared and ground into powder. As I had originally envisioned, I should have gotten the whole potion in. However, my heart seemed to be clogged. I changed my mind and only took half a dose.
Why did I decide to use sleeping pills? Because I was afraid! I was afraid that my rain wouldn’t agree. I was afraid that I would end up hurting her by having to use force. I also know that in fact, as long as it’s in a situation where she doesn’t want it, no matter what I do it will hurt her person and her heart. I finally and suddenly decided to put in only half a dose, probably because I had a clear conscience and wanted to stop there. However, there was no way back for me. Tricking my wife into bed was the only option I had left.
Rain went to my oldest sister’s room to freshen up and change. I went up to my room to wait for Rain after taking a shower in my parents’ room. It was actually quite unfair. My dead sister’s room had a bathroom and was bright and spacious, a few times better than my materially deprived little world. It’s not comfortable being the second child in the family. My parents are biased!
I mentally whined while I waited for the rain. By all accounts, my room was not bad. With a TV if you want one, a computer if you want one, and a mini-fridge, it’s no worse equipped than a regular hotel room. I think it was probably the fact that my mind was too full of confusion about the unknown of what was to come later that made me want to vent but had no way to do so. However, I was still very excited (sexually). It was the first time, after all!
Girls are just slow to clean up! I’m getting a little drowsy from sitting against the bed waiting.
Snap, snap. Two soft knocks on the door followed by the door to my room being pushed open. Rain stood in the doorway wearing a set of ankle-length pajamas embroidered with Winnie the Pooh, cocking her head at me.
I immediately sat up straight in bed, my sleepiness gone. It was the first time in all the time we’d been friends that I’d seen Rain in just her pajamas, and in such cute pajamas at that. Although the pajamas were rather loose and childish, it still set off Rain’s newly matured body in a way that made people’s imagination flutter. The pajamas naturally fell with the curves of Rain’s body. And my eyes also fell on the bulge of Rain’s chest in an unintentional way. The loose pajamas had made that semi-curved protrusion look less obvious, but the beauty of that hazy vagueness looked even more exciting.
My eyes went straight up, my heart beat faster, my blood flowed down at a rapid rate, and my nostrils felt a little hot and fishy. I had completely forgotten the greatness of the Creator. I can have a nosebleed and feel the engorged agitation in my lower body at the same time. I can’t get in without getting out!
Rain froze, but immediately reacted, her face showing a pout, pouting, and tooting this mouth as she walked over.
“Big pervert!” Although Rain was dissatisfied under her breath, she still brought a few tissues from the bedside table to help me touch away the nosebleed that came out. The sleeves of her pajamas were also not too stained with a little blood. I still have the nightgown that made my heart flutter with rain and stained the right sleeve with my first nosebleed for a woman. However, right now, I can only smell the milky scent of Rain’s hands mixed with body lotion and the unique scent of a young girl’s body.
As I floated around, Rain hammered me with her small hands while pushing me to the other side of the bed. She, in turn, sits down where I just did.
“Hey, big pervert, didn’t you say you bought a good movie to watch? What are you staying and watching me watch?” Rain started twisting my arm and chided in a petulant voice. “You think you’re a nerd! I’m not a movie.”
I let out an ouch, as if I were waking up from a dream. I knew that I was going to eat rain today.