They say it’s most romantic on campus, but even if I felt a little romantic it was years later, and at the time it didn’t feel like a good encounter at all.
It was a Friday, and my little sister was born different, so while my classmates went off in twos and threes to watch movies and videos and dance, I grabbed my book bag and went to study hall.
I went to one of the biggest step classrooms, which wasn’t too crowded, which is contrary to my usual style – I don’t like crowded places.
But maybe it was because of the weekend, I was acting more or less weird.
Found a seat in the last row and sat down, then took the seat next to him to put his things.
After about half an hour or so, Little Sister inadvertently glanced up and saw some more students enter this classroom, one of them was fair-faced, and it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch to describe him as tall and handsome, and his gaze was quick to lock onto Little Sister as well.
By the way, he should have been shortlisted for the prince charming who had fantasized a thousand times in his little sister’s heart, but when he stared at her, the uninitiated little sister still lowered her head her little sister’s mood became tense and foreboding all of a sudden for some reason.
He took a seat two or three rows in front of me.
I realized that my heart was beginning to unsettle me because every time I looked up, I always found him staring at me.
After a while I couldn’t be bothered to read any more, so I hastened to surreptitiously collect my view of things and look at him, my head thankfully not spinning, as I walked quickly towards the back door, not far from my side.
I exited the building, finally breathing a sigh of relief, but unexpectedly a hand behind me grabbed my wrist, and I turned around to see that it was him.
His eyes sparkled in the night: Hello! He exclaimed.
I turned around and walked away.
No hand was clutched tighter by him: do you believe in love at first sight? When I first saw you, I knew you were destined to be my girlfriend.
I felt my face flush all of a sudden.
Without giving me a chance to speak, he swept me into his arms, pressed his lips to mine, and began to kiss me.
My head was foggy, how could this be possible, it was so close to broad daylight, this was the most crowded part of the school, there were hundreds of bikes of students coming to this upstairs night school densely packed right next to me, and we were standing under a streetlight, I didn’t know there could be anyone else in the world that was so rude.
As I struggled, he seemed to come to his senses slightly and said, Let’s change places.
The tone of the discussion, but it was still my way, and despite my objections, he finished picking me up and striding away.
I could have screamed, at least, but at the time, my little sister was so offended by this, what with saving lives and all, that my little sister would have thought her dignity was in tatters and refused to beg for help from passersby, no matter what she said.
He came out onto the lawn and set me down behind a holly, and a heavy body pressed in, followed by a wild kiss that left me breathless.
Nonetheless, I had no conception of what was to follow, except that I felt violated.
After a while, something even more terrible happened, he reached under my skirt with one hand and pulled my panties right down to my knees, I was so shocked and indignant that I couldn’t help but roll my mouth and curse, and while he was a little distracted I pulled my panties back up again.
And so we pulled back and forth over and over again many times.
Finally he got impatient and said decisively: go to my place.
He yanked me to my feet and then wrapped his arms around my waist and dragged me out of the garden, he was so strong I didn’t think my toes were on the ground.
I was so embarrassed to be out of the garden, I think people on the road must have thought we were a hot couple when they saw us like this.
I kept my head down and didn’t continue to resist, I thought what could he do to me, he was a student and not a hooligan.
When I left the school gate, he immediately shoved me into a taxi or two, and drove for not more than two minutes before calling a halt, so his school is so close to ours! He continued to wrap his arms around me like a lover and took me to the third floor of a student dormitory building.
The dormitory at the far end was empty for some reason, with some rack beds and other disorganized stuff as if it had just been emptied.
He sat me down on the plank bed and said, Wait here for a while while I go get something.
Then I said the following very personalized thing that no fool would ever say: How long are you going? Enough time for me to escape from here? He froze for a moment and said: that, I hadn’t thought of.
He looked around the room, then picked up a roll of packing tape, and when I realized it was too late, he bound my wrists with the tape and tied it to the bars at the head of the bed.
I had never been so humiliated, and the tears flowed unheeded at once.
He saw it suddenly panicked and said: I can not let you go, I like you too much, you first aggrieved, wait a while back I kowtow to you to make amends.
That said, I’m gone.
My adventurous and always fearless nature is finally getting me into trouble, I’ve never been at the mercy of anyone before, but now I have a feeling that something really horrible might be about to happen, I can’t guess exactly what, and I’m very reluctant to think about the word rape.
A few minutes later he brought in two quilts and some hand towels and such, laying one flat on one of the beds and covering the other with it.
Then he untied me, hydrated the light, picked me up and put me under the covers, then pressed his weight over me again as he had done on the lawn.
He wasn’t polite this time, and I was quickly undressed and he undressed himself.
He pressed his chest against mine and kissed me furiously, his hand causing me to swim away in fear again.
When did you get your period? He asked.
Just finished today.
I replied in a whisper.
Then it’s fine.
Ever heard of it? Three in front, four in back? What? I’ll explain it to you later.
I was surprised to feel that it didn’t take me long to seem to adapt to his intimacy as I felt his chest rubbing against me, his enthusiasm as if he was trying to stick our two bodies together in a death grip infecting me.
But his hard thing down there is always pushing up against me and scaring me.
I was shocked when he poked his finger into my vagina and said no.
He ignored it and continued to push his thing against me and kept fumbling with it.
I heard him gasp and ask me, Where is it? Tell me.
Where’s what? Don’t play dumb, your own you don’t know.
I don’t know what you’re talking about, ouch.
I felt a sudden pain down there and tried to push him away, but heard him happily say that’s right! Then without hesitation he pushed himself in.
I felt something underneath me like it was being ripped apart, and the pain caused tears to cover my eyes all at once.
Then felt something huge put into me.
It’s over I thought to myself, I think the worst has happened and it’s too late for anything.
Does it hurt? I’ll be gentle.
He said, stopping his movements on one side.
I felt slightly better, my bottom was up, but he stopped twitching and it didn’t hurt very much.
I’m just still too desperate to know what to do.
It occurred to me that I had plenty of chances to get away, but I didn’t, and I figured he was just a student, not a thug, but what difference does it make.
I couldn’t help but sob at the thought.
He wiped away my tears with his hand and said, Don’t cry, honey, I’ll be good to you.
I cried even more when I heard those words which I thought were nasty at the time.
After a while the pain turned into an indescribable feeling of slight comfort, and it was as if he couldn’t resist moving again, twitching two or three times, and suddenly, though I hated to admit it, it was a sensation that stayed with me – as if there was a little animal bouncing around inside me, and then the rising sensation was gone.
It was such a comforting feeling that I couldn’t help but hug him tightly, and I became instantly mortified when I realized that I had initiated the hug.
I heard him say, I’m so stupid, next time I’ll make you feel good.
Then he softly crouched over me, grabbed my hand and pressed it to his forehead, which I was surprised to find was sweaty, and touched his back to find it wet as well.
Then I felt something oozing out of my vagina.
I felt some rising pain underneath and I reached for my shirt, which he stopped.
I want to go to the bathroom.
I said.
Wait here, I’ll get you a basin.
No.
What about that? I’m going back.
No way.
I’ll get you a basin, either.
You go to the men’s room. We’ve got a broken one on the third floor. We have to go to the second floor. I’ll stand guard for you.
Take your pick.
I chose to go to the men’s room.
When I came to the second floor, he looked to see that no one was there and let me in.
I felt pain down there, took the roll of paper in my hand and wiped it, and saw that there was a trace of blood on the paper, even though it was only a little bit not much, I still saw me at a glance, and with my pitifully little bit of common sense I also knew that my hymen was gone, and I felt too desperate.
At this time I heard someone talking outside the door: you don’t see clearly before breaking into, this is the women’s restroom! What, there are women’s restrooms here? Then why are you standing here?
That’s when I realized what I was in for, and that this wasn’t the place to stay for long.
When it was quiet outside, I probed to see that no one else was there, took his hand, and made a lifeless escape to the third floor.
Lying in bed again, I was so cold and disheartened that I didn’t move a muscle while he undressed me again.
He didn’t seem to notice my abnormality even in the darkness, still clinging to me with great fervor and raining wild kisses.
He grabbed my hand to touch his prick and I pulled it back in a hurry when I touched something hard and thick.
I was dead set against it when he pleaded with me to touch it again.
I want to see you. Can I turn on the light? He said.
No.
If you turn on the light, I’ll jump out the window.
All right, then.
He started to run his hand down my bottom.
This time he pushed in with one smooth thrust, and I shivered as I thought there would be more tearing pain, but the second time there was only a slight pain, and by the time he was all the way in, I felt a rush of comfort filling my vagina instead.
He started moving slowly and then just got faster and faster.
I felt as if I was very wet down there, and at the same time the burning pain diminished a little, and the pleasure increased rather quickly – I was ashamed of feeling this way.
Hold me tight, he said, moving faster and faster as he did so I love you sister! My heart felt like it was being stabbed by something, I realized that I also wanted to say I love you to this villain, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’ve never said such words to anyone before, I held my tongue and didn’t make a sound.
What I didn’t realize even to myself was that I couldn’t help but hug him tightly and my body unconsciously met his thrusts.
Then my consciousness blurred and I felt like I was flying, and as he moved faster and faster, I actually secretly wished he was faster and harder.
I heard the moans I’d never had before mingling with his panting like a cow, enjoying the feel of his sweat beads falling and dripping onto my forehead.
When he slurred me, me.
The time came when I once again felt that little creature bouncing around in my cunt, this time it was obvious to me that something was injecting itself into my body, I felt like I was going to lose it, I had never been so aroused, I couldn’t breathe, my teeth itched to bite him, my nails sunk into his flesh wanting to tear him apart.
A mountainous wave swept over me, and it was as if I had forgotten who I was at that moment, and was just wrapped tightly around his body, itching to become one with him.
Oh, I love you! He collapsed on top of my body, gasping for breath uncontrollably, and I felt that hard thing inside me stretched out little by little.
It was then I realized he was all wet and the covers were full of sweat.
I continued to hold him, and when I came to a little bit of consciousness, I suddenly felt sad.
How could I? It didn’t take long for him to drift off into a deep sleep, and I looked at him, a flicker of disgust sweeping through me as the pleasure I had just felt vanished without a trace.
I crept up, got dressed, looked at the table with the view window, sat up, opened the window and let my feet dangle out of it.
I think I should probably jump from here.
The third floor, I reckoned, might just end up crippled, and that would be worse than being dead.
Better hurry up and get on that 20-story building, I heard that when you fall from a tall building, you pass out in mid-air and land without pain.
I thought this, and I don’t know how long it took, but suddenly two arms wrapped around me from behind and dragged me off the table.
What are you doing? He said.
My tears flowed again without argument.
I’ll be responsible for you. We’ll get married when we graduate.
I don’t want to be responsible for you.
I said coldly.
He laughed: I’ll take you out tomorrow.
He pinned me to the bed again, but we didn’t have sex again, and he stayed up, but said he wouldn’t let me get up.
Don’t worry, I won’t die. It’s not worth it for you.
It’s good that you think so.
He grinned.
By morning, I was leaving and he had to insist that I eat breakfast first.
He went to the cafeteria and brought up a big bowl of milk and a piece of cake.
I had stayed up late and was indeed hungry, and the idea of not eating his food didn’t stick.
Instead he won’t eat, just watches me while I eat and tries to force me to finish so things.
Eventually I just couldn’t eat any more before he did the nice thing of cleaning my leftovers into his stomach.
When he was done he went through everything in my book bag like a scoundrel, student ID, library card, money clip, every book, and every pen.
You do surveys, huh? I said lazily.
To tell you the truth, I don’t need to see your student ID, I already know who you are, I’ve been watching you for a long time.
He said smugly.
Oh, yeah? I’m stunned by that.
It’s a conspiracy originally.
I walked away from him not expecting to see him again.
But then he came back Saturday night and yelled my name downstairs in my dorm.
I darted down the stairs, a fraction shorter than him, but took advantage of my arm length and slapped him hard a couple times.
As long as you’re relieved.
He didn’t care and said, “When you’re done fighting, come with me.
I agreed to go with him so he wouldn’t hold me hostage, but I wouldn’t allow him to touch me on the way, and he made a face.
It was off to his empty dorm again, but this time instead of forcing me to have sex, he held out a guitar and sang me his extremely hard original rock.
A month had passed, and although I never admitted it, I had already defaulted to him being my boyfriend, and he was very well-behaved, bringing food to our dormitory, and my roommates were willing to help him out.
I was relieved that he didn’t mention anything more about being married or not.
Maybe I was young and marriage was a word I felt ashamed of and always thought he would be my husband in the future, but that was years later.
I thought about it, he’s good looking, he’s good to me, he’s almost good at studying, but luckily he doesn’t wear glasses, and the more I thought about it, the wider the score I gave, so I stopped dreaming about anything else.
On my birthday, I didn’t even think about it myself, and after class I went out and found an awkward nook classroom to study all day.
Back to the dormitory is already 9:00 p.m., at first did not feel anything unusual, walked to the door of the dormitory only to find that the lights are off, although it seems to be very lively inside.
The door to the dormitory was wide open – that was our usual dormitory style – and I was just about to turn on the lights when one of my roommates said; don’t get busy, the power’s out.
I then called it quits.
Noticing that he wasn’t the only boy who was sitting on my bed, and later realizing that they were all his classmates, my housemates were excitedly talking to them.
That’s when one of them said, it’s too dark, let’s light candles.
Then there was the sound of a lighter, and a circle of candles on a large cake on the table was lit, while at the same time they sang a birthday song for me.
When they told me there was no actual blackout, I felt so stupid, I should have realized it a long time ago, only to be confused when I saw that more than one of the dorms around me was dark, and my roommate told me it was the gang of them knocking on the door on our floor door-to-door, going out of their way to call people’s nice sisters to beg for cooperation.
That night when I saw his face in the candlelight and he looked at me, I think I blushed the most tenderly of all those days, and that night our relationship peaked.
We scattered like birds and beasts after the cake, and he and I had wild sex all over campus, running through almost every hidden spot on campus, changing places after we did it once.
During this time, while I was uncontrollably immersed in sex with him, I was tormented by feelings of depravity and guilt that made me beg for life and death.
One day I told myself I was going to start a new life.
I said the worst things I could to break up with him, and I found that I was very talented at figuring out his psychology so that I could say the most irritating things to him.
I even got another boyfriend at lightning speed to show him off.
I sometimes think about the twilight when we broke up.
The day before, I had finally convinced him to stop harassing me, and I felt very relaxed and cozy, but being the sentimental and nostalgic person that I am, I went to his campus and remembered a handful of places we had spent time together.
It rained on the way back, and I walked in the rain, contemplating the new life I was about to start.
The rain got heavier and heavier and suddenly an umbrella covered me and I turned around to see him standing very disheveled behind me.
What is he better than me? You tell me! He shouted.
I now realize why people say that some men are really foolish, I said: in fact, whether he is good or not has nothing to do with you, I was with him for you to see, and now I also feel very bored, the play is over.
Is there really no hope.
I nodded, seeing that the rain had dampened his hair, and said sarcastically, I’m not afraid of the rain, so the umbrella is better for you to use yourself.
I stepped out from under his umbrella, thinking he would catch up with me, as he had done before, so I hurried to pick up the pace.
When I took a few steps and looked back at my enemy, I saw that he was still standing there, motionless, his umbrella still covering the place where I had stood, while his whole body was soaked.
Two years later he graduated and I got a note in my mailbox saying that an old friend was graduating and wanted to meet up before graduation and all that.
I ignored it because thinking of him I had a twinge of shame at the time.
I’m happy about him graduating, that probably means he’s completely out of my life from now on.
Only when I revisit it long after the event has passed do I feel that the experience I had was more or less an asset.
That was after I realized that sex is not evil.
A girl’s first time may not be perfect, but it can teach me a lot.