It was a golden and beautiful autumn day, and I was the only one who was secretly sad in the midst of the yellow leaves.
Later that fall, I met Xiao Jun, Xiao Qiang and Xiao Gang. Together with them, we formed this “hymen-busting team”. All three of them had already left school. Xiao Qiang and Gang had been working for several years and had long been on the front line of labor production. Xiao Jun graduated from secondary school and has been in the underworld for many years without realizing it.
When I met them, I was still struggling with the pure pain of a lost love, buying drunkenness with the last few dollars I had on me in a small, dimly lit bar.
All three of them, like me, had just been dumped by their girlfriends or had just dumped their girlfriends and were in a bad mood.
So we got to know each other in a confused way after our bellies filled with alcohol.
The formation of this “hymen-busting team” was initially a joke of ours. Out of the bitterness of our lost love, we vowed to rape each and every virgin and use their most precious blood to pay tribute to the purity of our lost feelings.
The joke ended up becoming a reality. Gang and the others were very serious about organizing our activities every weekend.
Each one is obsessive, making it their mission to destroy hymens, determinedly destroying one after the other.
At that time, I was still a virgin. My experience of sex was limited to a passionate kiss with my girlfriend.
But, after meeting the three of them, I’ve improved sexually by literally leaps and bounds.
Xiao Qiang and Xiao Jun are both considered expert in picking up girls. Compared to the two of them, Xiao Gang was even more of an expert expert expert expert expert. He can always pick up the most worthy girl in the shortest time and the most critical occasion. For Xiaogang, picking up a pretty girl’s panties in the midst of the chaos was like picking up a bag.
I am also quite handsome, although I can not catch up with Andy Lau, at least equal to Chow Yun Fat. So there were always girls willing to take the initiative to approach me. Plus I was constantly learning from Xiaogang, so I soon forgot about my freckle-faced college girlfriend.
Every weekend on a dark and windy night is when our hymen-busting team goes into action.
We don’t actually rape or gang rape. We just get very serious about finding and introducing girls to each other, and then finding ways to verify that they’re virgins, and eventually sleeping with them.
We soak the toilet paper red with the blood of virgins, one at a time. Then we make a little paper flower out of them.
We made these little paper flowers when we were in kindergarten. Only the little paper flowers of my childhood were as pure as a child’s innocent smile, but the little paper flowers of today signal the degradation of virgins’ chastity.
The first small paper flower I made was dyed red with the blood of chastity by a beautiful female elementary school teacher. She was really a very pretty girl who had just graduated from a teacher’s college and was assigned to teach language in an elementary school.
Kong introduced her to me and whispered in my ear, “This girl is pure. I haven’t touched it yet, so it’s guaranteed to be a virgin.”
Within two days of meeting her, we had sex in her dorm room. It was my first time and her first time. She cringed and let out a moan as I entered her. I felt so lewd that it was hard to imagine how she stood in class and moralized to her students.
When I was done, I blithely dipped her blood in the toilet paper I had prepared earlier. Surprisingly, she didn’t ask why, just blushed and looked at me.
Shortly after making my first little paper flower, I dumped her. This female teacher was pretty but I wasn’t in love with her. I was just making my little paper flowers and I didn’t want to be private with her for life.
She was the first, but not the last. From her onwards I chased after virgin after virgin, destroying hymen after hymen, with my ever-growing experience.
With Xiao Jun, Xiao Gang, Xiao Qiang and the others, I did learn to be bad. We never took responsibility for our behavior and never regretted anything. We just religiously made little paper flowers with the girls’ blood, as if making such paper flowers was a more noble and honorable thing than sex or ideals.
The world is a funny place. When I was a virgin, all I heard was that there were fewer and fewer virgins in the world. But after I became a member of the Hymen Destruction Team, I realized that there are still a lot of virgins in the world, so many that our team has been so busy that we’ve been wiped out.
The funny thing is that every virgin loves to talk to you about sex and about sexual ethics. Although they have no sexual experience, they have their own unique insights in these areas. And it seems that every virgin is in the midst of sexual hunger, ready to go to bed with a man at any time, thus saying goodbye to the traditional era of chastity and purity.
I find it strange. It’s amazing how the sanctity of chastity portrayed in books of the past has become worthless in reality.
Is this a betrayal of human decency or a moral development?
I asked Kong, “What is purity?”
His answer was, “Make more love and dream less.”
The reasoning is clear. What more can be said?
Kong has made fourteen little paper flowers. The smile on his face is pure every time he shows us the results of these battles.
Xiao Qiang also made ten small paper flowers. He has a busy schedule, so he has limited time and energy. Xiao Jun has done the least, only three so far. Except for the few college girls I introduced to him, the rest always disappointed him after going to bed. Why can’t he always meet a virgin? Xiaogang analysis pointed out that Xiaojun all day with the help of the Miss Miss mix together, know the girl not a few good goods, he has long lost the ability to distinguish whether it is a virgin.
Over the course of the winter, I actually made five little paper flowers as well. Each one was red and dipped in blood.
The truth is I’ve slept with seven girls, and two of them weren’t virgins. I was blind to recognize them.
It took me the longest and greatest effort to develop a relationship with them, but they were the ones who ended up getting the satisfaction.
Winter turns to spring. day after day I coped with school and religiously making these chaste paper flowers. i felt that i was beginning to take on the sublime air of postmodernism. I felt that I was beginning to take on the sublime air of postmodernism. It didn’t matter what was in the eye of the beholder, it didn’t matter what was in the eye of the beholder, not even the tears of a girl’s true heart.
When I think about how sad I was when I was first dumped by my girlfriend, all I can do is grimace as the word “douchebag” comes out of my teeth.
I don’t think I’ll ever be as stupid as I used to be, the simple ignorance of my past has long since been destroyed along with those hymens.
All that’s left of me is a shell of extreme sexual prowess and the spirit of a professional pickup artist. The soul is pure death. I thought I would just live half dead until I aged and died.
But life always changes. The world has miracles every day.
In the last spring of my senior year of college, I miraculously fell in love with the sixth virgin I had destroyed.
This girl is in her third year of high school. She’s not too pretty, but she’s very innocent, she shows off every day, her smile is innocent and formal, and you can tell right away that she’s a student and a virgin.
I met her at the city library. Since I had to prepare my thesis for college, I sat across from her in the reading room to use my homework. When we looked up at the same time, I smiled at her and we met.
Her name is Xiao Ting. I prefer to call her Xiao Ting.
I could tell she was a good student and very ambitious girl at school. When I met her, she still had a copy of The Gadfly in her book bag.
She stroked the spine of The Gadfly and told me thoughtfully, “This book depicts the strength of soul and unyielding ideals.”
Xiao-ting is still innocent and full of hope for the future.
I, on the other hand, have little in the way of a strong soul or unyielding ideals, except to make little paper flowers.
So I’m not a gadfly, I’m a rogue. The next night, I went to bed with Xiao-ting.
I too have had high school entrance exams and ideals. Thus I clearly understand what pure senior girls like Xiao-ting want to hear and love to hear.
That night, I asked her out to a cabin I rented off campus.
The moon was full and a cat in heat was wailing outside the window.
I told her about the experience of the college entrance examination, persistence and endurance, “How Steel is Made”, and existentialist philosophy. When I felt that she looked at me with a hint of admiration and worship in her eyes, I accurately seized the opportunity.
I’m not a novice. I went from to touching with my fingers, making it difficult for her to control herself. When I finally entered her, she clung to me and let out a scream. That mournful scream echoed long into the quiet night air.
I was very excited that night. Xiaoting’s blood stained a very large piece of toilet paper red. I was determined to make a big flower out of it.
Xiao-ting leaned in my arms, gently caressing my arms. Her eyes seemed as if they were still pure, like the sea in Jiuzhaigou, serene and tranquil.
But I knew that she was no longer a virgin, that she was spoiled by me.
So I put my arm around her and excitedly told her about our hymen-busting group, about the little paper flowers we made, about our slogan, about my paper flowers.
Xiao Ting didn’t say a word as she listened. Because she suddenly realized that she was being played.
I’ll always remember that moment. Tiny angrily got up and dressed. She moved beautifully, fluttering, like she was dancing.
As if her lower body was still in pain, she stood bent over for a moment with her hand over her belly after getting dressed. I saw her shoulders shaking. She must have been crying.
Before leaving the house, Xiao-ting said to me through gritted teeth, “You’ve ruined me, you’re a beast!” Her expression looked like a beast in the light, her eyes radiated hateful anger, but her face was full of tears.
She was into me. I understood as soon as she cried.
So I burst out laughing. In the midst of the laughter she walked away, without looking back into the vastness of the night.
That night with the paper that Xiao-ting had dyed red, I carefully tied it into the most exquisite paper flower. The paper flower was the best I have ever made, beautifully even and nearly perfect.
After the zap, tears rolled down my face. It wasn’t remorse or sadness. It was just the desire to cry, somehow. There is no reason to cry.
When Xiao-ting cried, it proved that she liked me. When I cry, I think I like Xiao-ting too.
After a few days I went to see Xiao-ting. It was the first time I turned back to the virgin I had destroyed. At the entrance of her middle school, I saw her looking gloomy, walking out of the school alone with her backpack and her head down. Two long and beautiful legs, wrapped in sweatpants, felt extraordinarily tantalizing.
She cried as soon as she saw me.
I said to her, “I ruined you, so I’m responsible for you for the rest of my life.”
Xiao-ting must have been very touched. Her tears wet my lapel.
She didn’t go home in the evening and came back to my cabin with me. We were entwined like snakes in bed.
Xiao-ting said, “You’re so nice to me.” Her words made me wonder. I made love to her just to satisfy my erupting desire. I didn’t want to treat her much better. I didn’t even take seriously what I said in the afternoon about being responsible for her for the rest of her life. And why would she think I was being nice to her?
Maybe I like Xiao-ting because she has personality and I don’t, or maybe I like Xiao-ting because she has ideals and mine are long gone. This kind of liking is like liking a rich man because you have no money, which I think is despicable.
But Xiao-ting didn’t think so. She was willing to use her small allowance to buy me delicious sweet rice crackers, and was willing to stay at my place as much as possible after school every day. She said she liked to look at me and said I was sometimes badass much like Yang Zu.
She wished she was Little Dragoness so that there would be a heavenly love between us.
I don’t want to quit the hymen-busting team just yet. But it was always inconvenient to have Xiao-ting tagging along. Good thing I was busy with graduation during that time, so there was no awkwardness.
Writing a college thesis was as easy as taking a shit, and I squatted a ton. After pulling my thesis, in June, I graduated with honors.
A relative is eagerly connecting me with jobs while I have nothing to do on my own.
That’s when Kong came to me and told me that he had found three avant-garde girls, all guaranteed to be virgins. He made an appointment with Xiao Jun, and the three of us would put on a triple drive in my rented cottage. Naturally, the drive was not a horse-drawn carriage, but an old man’s wheelbarrow.
These three girls are really edgy and rebellious. They were more than willing to say goodbye to their virginity on such a bi-monthly and bi-weekly basis.
So my modest bed was a triple-driven cart galloping through the sexual wilderness.
It was really all virgins. Three spots of bright red blood made me feel aroused. The girl underneath me, in addition to her plump breasts, had an extraordinarily tantalizing horniness.
The roughness of Xiao Jun beside her made the girl underneath her a bit overwhelmed. Xiao Gang lectured Xiao Jun while she was busy with her own, “Slow down, pay attention to the rhythm.” It was said as if it was a ballroom dance.
Just as the six of us were stacking up our orgasms, the door to the room was pushed open and Xiao-ting walked in. She was also carrying my favorite sweet rice crackers in her hand.
Seeing the six of us naked and in exciting positions, she was stunned by what she saw before her. If she had been pure in her bones before, her soul was even tainted at the sight of this.
Everyone looked at me, waiting for me to find a solution in this awkward atmosphere. I had to blame Xiao Jun, “You didn’t know to unlock the door when you finally came in.”
Jun scratched his scalp and hemmed and hawed. On the days when he wasn’t fighting for the yakuza, his smile was kinda cute.
Xiaoting clenched her fists and questioned me, “You said you would be responsible for me for the rest of my life, you ……” She herself did not know what to say.
At that time my hand was still on a breast. I touched this breast and told Xiao-ting in a student-like tone, “You have no right to interfere in my private life. I don’t love you anymore, so get the hell out of here.”
Hearing this, Xiao-ting’s tears streamed down her face.
I added politely, “Remember to lock the door on your way out.” With that, I proceeded to make my love.
I don’t remember how Xiao-ting ran out crying. When I finally said goodbye to the three girls, they didn’t mention it either. They had just lost their virginity, and I think they all must have regretted it a little.
On the way out Xiaojun said to me, “You’re so inhuman.” His tone was full of admiration. I felt very proud to be able to make a triad admire me.
I also know that Xiao-ting is not going to come back to me, it’s over between us. Good thing I made another little paper flower with the blood of a girl’s virginity today. Seven already. All seven fairies had their most important layer of film gone with the wind under my destruction. It’s a sense of accomplishment any way you slice it.
In the satisfaction of accomplishment, I still felt empty.
This emptiness consumes my mind like the blank night sky at night. I hurt Xiao-ting today, destroying her mind again by defiling her flesh. There is only one month left before her college entrance exam. I hope she gets into a good college so she might not resent me for the rest of her life.
My wish was to be kind. In this moment I thought I was sort of a good person, and I deceived myself so that I could have mental peace.
But later, I heard from Xiao-ting’s classmates that Xiao-ting had failed the college entrance exam.
That day was about a month or so after Xiao-ting’s entrance exams, and I could hardly restrain myself from wondering which city Xiao-ting had gotten into, so I unconsciously walked over to their school’s entrance exam list.
It was the evening of the setting sun, and the fragrance of osmanthus was wafting from Xiao-ting’s middle school. I had smelled this scent on Xiao-ting before, so I felt particularly close to her.
A girl at the front of the list told me that Xiao-ting had failed the entrance exam. This was a girl with big braids and beautiful dark eyes. She told me again in a meaningful way that Xiao-ting had a breakdown before the college entrance exam. Her spirit seemed to have suffered some kind of violent blow before the college entrance exams. After failing the first few exams, she didn’t take the last two exams. She gave up.
This big braided girl also told me that Xiaoting was originally the top three in their class, and the teachers had high hopes for her, thinking that she should have been admitted to a prestigious key university …… I listened to these words, and suddenly remembered that Xiaoting had once said to me: you have ruined me, you are an animal.
I don’t think I did anything wrong, I just feel shameful.
Out of the psychological pressure of my low self-esteem, I worked hard to please this girl with big braids. I constantly made her laugh and finally joined me in bed and made love in the cottage I rented.
This girl with the big pigtails wasn’t a virgin, she said she and her boyfriend had tried to do it once in her sophomore year of high school.
I don’t care if she’s a virgin or not. The most important thing was that she was Xiao-ting’s classmate. So I fucked her hard and made her let out a scream of pain. I search for the essence of my soul and sin in such screams.
I’ve been in touch with this girl with the big braid. Because through her, I was able to know where Xiao-ting was and what Xiao-ting was doing.
Big Braid enrolled in the same college I had just graduated from. As soon as the school year started she cut her braids into short hair less than a finger’s length, and she became unspeakably ugly.
Shaking her short hair and crooked nose, she told me that Xiao-ting was tutoring at a very average cram school.
I didn’t have the courage to go to Xiao-ting because I thought I might feel guilty after seeing her. I still like her.
Whenever I fuck some other girl, I think of her and the screams she made the first time we had sex.
In these days I found an agency job. Apart from sweeping floors and carrying water to appease the section chief, I spent my working hours reading a lot of newspapers and books.
Naturally the weekend was not without participation in a hymen-busting group. The result of this meaningful participation was that by the time I saw Xiao-ting again, I had made all twenty of the little paper flowers.
Tiny Ting’s words are still the most vibrant and refined. I always miss her when I see this flower.
Finally, two months before Xiao-ting was going to take the entrance exam for the second time, I decided that I wanted to meet her. My intention was to encourage her, so I went to her cram school.
She’s noticeably fatter than she was a year ago, and more pale. Every girl who tutored was like that, and it didn’t surprise me at all. On the contrary, my
Appearing was unexpected for Xiao-ting. When she saw me, Xiao-ting’s tears fell on the floor like broken beads.
We looked at each other for a long time. I said, “Good luck with your college entrance exams this year.”
She slowly walked over to me and smacked me hard in the mouth before crouching in my arms and letting out a sob.
That night, we went back to my dormitory. I had asked my flat for a single dormitory and was no longer renting that pathetic off-campus shack.
In bed, I told her with my actions how much I had missed her this year. And she wordlessly matched me.
That dormitory crib made gibbering cries of joy in the darkness. It was as if the bed was happiest when Xiao-ting and I made love.
I think Xiao-ting and I made up. So very reverently, I showed her the twenty little paper flowers I had made. I said to her, “You are the biggest and most delicate of them all.”
Her face bristled and became devoid of any blood. She was angry. She knew I was still breaking hymens. She was the sixth, but fourteen more in a year. Instead of learning, I had gotten worse.
That night, she left overnight. I don’t know if she had enough money on her to take a cab, but I know Xiao-ting must have hated me with a passion.
Someone once said that college entrance exams are like making love, the first time is the most important. It’s the same for boys and girls. After the first time, guys get greasier and greasier, and girls get crappier and crappier.
Xiao-ting failed her first college entrance exam. The second time she similarly failed.
Only the second time I didn’t stimulate her much, she was the one who failed.
Of course I have an unshirkable responsibility. Because a few days before the college entrance exam, Xiao-ting found out she was pregnant.
After failing the college entrance exam, Xiao-ting came to see me. At that time, I was in the dormitory and Xiaogang was composing poems. Sitting beside me was a girl with bright eyes and big teeth. This girl said that she would give her virginity to whoever was the best writer between Xiaogang and me.
Kong chanted a song called “Spring Dawn”:
Sexual harassment is everywhere when you sleep in spring.
Moaning in the middle of the night, a girl turns into a sister-in-law.
I am highly educated, of course I won’t admit defeat easily. So I came up with a top line, and as long as Xiaogang got the bottom line right, I would dry up and bow down.
My top line is: menstrual band, month after month, the more you band, the more you menstrual band.
It’s an absolute for the ages. Xiaogang was so full of shit that he couldn’t match it. He was about to admit defeat and leave me with this girl when Xiao-ting arrived.
Tiny’s eyes were a little swollen and she said, “I’m pregnant.”
I have nothing to say. I’m healthy and she has no physical problems. It’s a natural thing.
My indifference angered Xiaoting. She raised her fist and said, “You’ve ruined me. You’re an animal!”
I’ve heard this before and it’s familiar and relatable.
She added, “I hate you for the rest of my life.” She seemed to become calm again as she said this. After saying that, she raised her head and walked away.
She’s gotten a little snarky and a little tough. I think this may be because of reading The Gadfly. I have also read This is How Iron is Made, but I still don’t have any noble qualities. I admire girls like Xiao-ting who can fully draw strength from books.
Once Xiao-ting left, I didn’t see her again for two years.
Over the course of these two years, the activities of our hymen-busting group have dwindled. All four of us were feeling a little bored. It turns out that everything in life slowly gets boring, and nothing is ever worth doing. What’s the point of us living?
In two years’ time, Xiaojun has gone from being a triad hitman to a minor leader. Xiao Qiang got rich but impotent. His thirst for money far exceeds his desire for sex, very **. Only Xiao Gang and I are still the same as in the past. Wasting our time in tedium and boredom.
During this time, I read a book that really touched me. The name of the book is Maybe Pain, Not Necessarily Happiness.
The author, Naikan, states in his preface that he writes about feelings, whereas I read about the purity of the past in that book.
I had almost forgotten about this noble sentiment for a long time, and I didn’t realize that a book would bring me back to the personality I once had. I hate remembering the past because it makes it all the more shameful.
So after being moved, I immediately burned this copy of Maybe Pain, Not Necessarily Happiness. I want to turn my past personality, my past nobility, like Qiu Shaoyun, into ashes.
But there are many things in life you can never help but remember, and there are many people you can never forget.
Xiao-ting is what I can’t forget. In the middle of two years, her figure and her expression always flashed before my eyes.
I can’t forget the first time I met her, when she stroked the spine of The Gadfly and told me earnestly, “This book depicts the strength of soul and unyielding ideals.”
I think this quote is a banner for her, showing the noble qualities that lie beneath her pure exterior.
I miss her. I find that missing makes me love her more.
If I see her again, I think I’ll definitely say it to her again:
“I ruined you, so I’m responsible for you for the rest of your life.” It was raining heavily one day and Xiaojun told me he had seen Xiaoting. Xiao Jun’s boss runs several cabaret nightclubs with erotic services. Xiao Jun saw Xiao Ting working as a desk girl there.
In the pouring rain, I immediately ran into that cabaret all night long. I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw Xiao-ting. She was wearing a short white dress that showed all of a girl’s most private parts, sitting sideways on the lap of a man old enough to be her father. The man’s big, fat, ugly hands were groping freely under Xiao-ting’s short skirt, which couldn’t be any shorter.
Xiao-ting said petulantly, “Boss Zhao, you’re bad.” After saying that, she saw me.
At that moment I thought Xiao-ting would cry. But she didn’t. She smiled at me and continued to let the old man fondle her.
I cried. I knew I had really ruined Xiao-ting.
I rushed over, took out all the money on my body and slammed it in the old pervert’s face, told him that I’d take this lady tonight, and then rushed out, pulling Xiao-ting along with me.
I pulled Tiny into the pouring rain and I questioned her, “Do you remember The Gadfly?”
She grunted and said she had long forgotten.
The rain dampened our clothes and washed away the thick makeup on Xiao-ting’s face, and he finally became pure and chaste again.
I took her back to my place. The flat had been allocated to me.
Outside the window the rain kept falling, like tears for thousands of years of human grief crying endless tears.
Xiao-ting lit a cigarette and told me about her life in the past two years. After failing the second college entrance exam, she was disheartened. Coupled with the fact that she was pregnant with my child, the pressure she endured as a girl of less than twenty could be imagined.
She had an abortion, then worked at a couple of places and ended up working as a bar hostess, naturally going through the process of going from not selling her body to selling her body. I said to her, “Remember what I said? I said I ruined you, so I’m responsible for you for the rest of your life.”
She laughed coldly and said, “I am no longer the Xiao Ting of the past. I am no longer simple and naive. I will no longer believe this kind of bullshit uttered by you stinky men.”
She got up to leave and turned her head to leave me her cell phone number on her way out, telling me to call her if I wanted a hooker and she’d charge me half price.
I wanted to chase her back, but I couldn’t.
She was indeed no longer Xiao-ting.
Through the window, I saw her standing downstairs in the rain for a while, letting it wash over her mercilessly. I thought she must be crying. I felt that if I rushed downstairs and kissed her in the rain, then we would definitely be back together.
But I was wrong.
Just as I wanted to but before I could rush out the door, I saw Tiny turn her face and viciously spit at my building.
At that moment there happened to be a flash of lightning, the light of the thunder and lightning illuminated the entire night sky, and also called me to see Xiao Ting’s eyes filled with vicious resentment.
She hates me very much, I’m sure. Her eyes are like demons, like shrews, like vipers. The serene clarity of the Jiuzhaigou Hai Zi style that used to be there has completely disappeared, it’s gone.
I felt scared. After a muffled thunderclap, I sat down on the ground.
I ruined Xiao-ting.
I asked Xiaojun to take care of Xiao-ting. Xiaojun is very popular in those nightclubs and dance halls. Xiao Jun said, “A whore deserves your attention.”
I wanted to punch him when I heard that, but I guess I couldn’t beat him.
I’ve seen Xiao-ting a few times since then, too. I asked her out and she refused. She said if I wanted to whore her out I’d go to one of their nightclubs.
In order to see her, I have no choice but to go whoring. Sometimes I go alone, sometimes I go with Kong.
I remember that time after I whored her out with Kong, she patted me on the shoulder and said that my body was still as great as it was. As she spoke, she smelled strongly of bad perfume, long gone was the light osmanthus aroma of her student days.
Then later, Xiao-ting died, committing suicide.
I know that her decay began in the depths of her soul. She used to be a very idealistic and pure girl, her body used to smell faintly of cinnamon, and she used to be uplifted by The Gadfly.
But she was ruined by me. Once a person’s pure and noble qualities are destroyed, then they are not far from death.
So, I think maybe I’m the only one in the world who knows how Xiao-ting died.
On the day Xiao-ting’s body was said goodbye, there was no memorial service, no relatives, no friends. About the time they felt the death of a prostitute was insignificant.
It was cloudy that day. Five of us, the hymen-breaking team and Xiao-ting’s mother, said goodbye to Xiao-ting. Xiao-ting’s father was so hurt by her that he refused to come.
I didn’t expect Xiao-ting’s final remains to be so pure, reminding me immediately of the first time I saw her. And at this moment she was no longer wearing thick dark lipstick or the kind of professional clothes that prostitution feeds on.
Her face was innocent and pale, and there was even a slight hint of a smile at the corners of her mouth.
As if to tell me very seriously, she said, “This book depicts the strength of soul and unyielding ideals.”
I understand that Xiao-ting is dead. This pure face just rested on top of a pile of dead flesh.
So, at that moment I regretted it.
This was the first time I felt so regretful so ashamed, I knelt in front of Xiao-ting’s body for a long time, unwilling to get up. I didn’t shed tears but my soul did.
Xiao-ting’s mother was crying her eyes out in front of me. If she knew I destroyed Xiao-ting, would she go mad and kill me? She wouldn’t. Because she couldn’t comprehend the extent of my destruction of Xiao-ting.
I remembered the slogan of our hymen-busting team, and I realized it all on Xiao-ting. But I regretted it.
What the hymen-destroying team has accomplished today is the destruction of Xiao-ting.
I don’t think it was just Xiao-ting that it destroyed. We made a hundred little paper flowers in all, that’s a hundred girls we destroyed. We played with, destroyed, trampled on, tortured. One hundred girls and one hundred purities became our shameless feats.
I do regret it.
If Xiao-ting comes back to life, I feel that I am no longer qualified to say to her, “I ruined you, so I am responsible for you for the rest of your life.”
One hundred small paper flowers were arranged around Xiao-ting’s remains. I asked for all of Xiao Gang, Xiao Jun and Xiao Qiang’s paper flowers. I’m going to use these one hundred paper flowers for Xiao-ting’s burial. I’m going to use these one hundred paper flowers of chastity and purity to express my deepest apologies to Xiao-ting!!!!
Xiao-ting’s body was cremated along with the hundred paper flowers.
I said to Kong and the others, “Let’s disband our hymen-busting team.”
No one objected. This organization is indeed so boring, so boring that everyone is tired of it.
And so the hymen-destroying group, which had existed for so long, finally disbanded for good in the midst of one girl’s destruction.
From the day Xiaoting turned to ashes, my soul was in a deep regret, a regret that made me feel my stomach constrict and nauseous to vomit.
The ghosts of those many virgins whose virginity had passed away were floating around this city, like flies and mosquitoes, everywhere, disturbing my soul.
I was determined to leave the city. I’m going to change myself, and I’m going to live again with an innocence that Xiao-ting once had.
I bought a train ticket to the farthest city. I want to say goodbye to the past once and for all, forget Xiao-ting, forget those paper flowers, forget the hymen-busting team. Go far away. No one will ever remember me again, and I don’t want to remember anyone else.
When I got on the train, my mood was euphoric and I was smiling as I felt that I was going to walk away from the guilt I felt towards Xiao-ting. It was as if my mood had infected the passengers I was sitting with. They smiled and exchanged pleasantries with me, giving me a warm feeling of coming home.
Across from me sat an innocent girl who was about a schoolgirl, perhaps going away to school.
Since she was so pretty, I couldn’t help but
A couple more looks.
Noticing me looking at her, she looked up and smiled at me.
That’s when I noticed she was holding a copy of The Gadfly in her hand.
She stroked the spine of The Gadfly and told me thoughtfully, “This book depicts the strength of soul and unyielding ideals.”
As soon as I heard that, I cried. I had never been as sad as I was today in all my life. My tears gushed out like a tidal wave, my body kept shaking, and I couldn’t make a sound out of my mouth.
Every passenger in the seat, including the girl, looked at me in amazement.
But I don’t care, I’m going to cry my eyes out, I’m going to let the tears flow freely and hopefully wash my sinful soul away with them.