In the meantime, Zhang Mei and I had occasional contact, and once we met at the mall we even went to pick out clothes together, acting like sisters to each other. I don’t know whether it is to maintain the surface peace or from the heart.
But never contacted Xiao Liang, he called me and I hung up hastily because I was afraid to see him, afraid he would ask me out, afraid I would miss his body.
Nan Wei likes to chat online lately. Sometimes he is still chatting in front of the computer when I am sleeping, I don’t mind that he is looking for excitement on the internet, I am used to him liking new tricks, I know that he loves me, he only loves me, but in his understanding, his love for me comes from the heart, and his body likes to be fresh, which doesn’t belong to the category of his love for me, and I’m fine with it, I’ve been married for so many years, I’m used to him arranging everything for me, and also used to listening to his I never felt he did anything wrong, I just want my marriage to be peaceful and harmonious.
But today he wasn’t chatting, and as I drifted off to sleep he shook me awake and said mysteriously, “Honey, let’s go there again.” I understood what it meant – a wife-swapping club. Suddenly I was a little alarmed. I was afraid to mention that place.
Ignoring my reaction, he said that the club had a new service that allowed 6 people to play together, which meant that you could change two at the same time in one night. I shook my head desperately, but Nan Wei was so excited that he couldn’t wait to try it out.
Next, he kept convincing me to try again. You know, I’m soft-hearted and have never resisted Southwick.
I didn’t know what was going to happen next, but I knew I was powerless to change it on my own, and a thought suddenly came to me that I found such a game adventurous and exciting, but the thought scared me, and I hammered my head.
Sunday, July 13, 2003 Clear
Southwell set everything up and went to check in.
He put on what he thought was the most satisfactory dress and also insisted that I wear a sexy backless dress. He said he didn’t want his wife to be inferior to others. This is something that upsets me.
Fortunately, the people who participate in the wife-swapping club are not the kind of men and women who seem to be very trivial, seemingly serious men and women secretly uneasy, perhaps they are busy with the contract signing after the thought is to immediately go to the wife-swapping club to seek excitement. In exchange for their own wives, they enjoy other people’s wives, the men know each other, and the women don’t feel any disadvantage. They all had their fun.
This time my date was a 30 year old man, he seemed nice, especially in his white shirt, and I liked him a little. This relaxed my somewhat nervous heart.
Namwi, however, didn’t seem too happy with his date, but because he had paid the money, he reluctantly carried the woman with the somewhat exaggerated curly hair into the next room. I didn’t like the woman either, smiling with flair and not looking at me or caring about his husband who was sitting next to me.
This man was very formal, he sat next to me and didn’t move for half a day. In fact, I didn’t particularly want to, so I also sat quietly. I had a lot of things on my mind, such as tomorrow’s regular work meeting, my mom’s birthday what would be a good gift for me, and other little issues like that.
There was even some curiosity about the man. I brought him a glass of water, and when he took it, his hand visibly shook, a small gesture that made me smile.
After a while, I heard the woman’s slutty voice coming from next door, they were flipping out at the moment, I know how good Nan Wei is, there is no woman who isn’t satisfied with him, he can make a woman comfortable and not lose her gentleness.
The man beside me frowned. I thought it might be that this man had been forced to come over by his wife, and that he couldn’t satisfy his own wife, so he could only tolerate watching his own wife entwined with someone else’s husband, while not daring to take a step beyond the line with me, a strange woman, himself.
He looks so weak, and I can’t help but feel sorry for him when he gets hitched to such a “bossy wife”.
I didn’t pay him any mind, I was used to the sounds next door and I was so sleepy I just lay down with my clothes closed.
Since I had an early meeting to catch the next day, I left without saying hello to Namwi. I looked at the man sleeping on the sofa. It was the first time I saw such a cute man, and I had the urge to pity him, but it was only for a moment, and I soon dismissed the thought.
Sunday, April 27, 2003 Clear
There is no moonlight tonight, and my mind is still as water. There are no lights on in the house either, there is a garbage removal truck parked in front of the building, and there are cleaners loading the garbage in front of the building into the truck. I don’t know if Nan Wei will see these diary entries written by me one day, if so what will he think, I don’t want to guess, I am afraid of guessing now, afraid of memories, but there are some details that I want to forget but I can’t forget them.
That night during the time Xiao Liang and I were doing it he kept thinking about his Zhang Mei, and there was even a moment where he kept calling her name. I didn’t care and tilted my head to the side, reporting it with an understanding-like bad smile.
Later, after Zhang Mei and Nan Wei were done, she came over to see us, just one look, and ran out again. Zhang Mei cried after she went out, which made me think of myself. But the strange thing was that I didn’t have a single tear, and I couldn’t even find the shadow of sadness. Nan Wei and I and Xiao Liang were comforting her.
She cries infectiously, her tears add to the emotional component of this game, and I think it’s good to be real, if we all indulge in purely physical pleasure that makes us feel sadder, even if we start to question our own attitudes towards love.
Do we still have love?
Women are always a little sensitive, and I took pity on her, just like I took pity on myself. So I let Nan Wei hold her while I hugged Nan Wei behind me, I actually needed him at that moment, I just didn’t say it out loud. I pressed my head against his back and felt the warmth of his back. This warm embrace that I was familiar with, I couldn’t bear to leave. It took a long time for Zhang Mei’s emotions to stabilize, and I think it was because of the simultaneous comfort of two men.
For some reason, I was actually a little jealous of Zhang Mei at that moment.
Both Zhang Mei and I agreed that men got more pleasure than women in this game, and by then we were friendly and her smile was charming. After taking separate showers, we resumed our seats in the living room. We all discussed how to sleep at night. In fact, in the shower I made it clear to Nan Wei that I didn’t want to spend the whole night with Xiao Liang. It’s true, at that time it didn’t occur to me that I also didn’t want my husband to spend the night holding another woman. I was just asking strongly from my own point of view. That’s why we all try to cover our attitudes in the discussion. Of course, making it explicit must have hurt some fragile soul more or less. I laughed and said I still wasn’t used to sleeping with strangers. If the light was turned on, everyone would see my frankly unabashed smile. Nan Wei and Xiao Liang didn’t actually agree with me very much because they were still discussing it. In the dimly lit corner, Zhang Mei said You guys decide, I’ll do whatever. All three of them said so.
I had a sudden sadness, a very low mood, but it was persistent. Maybe they were all looking forward to a new feeling of sleep.
I still insisted on sleeping with Nan Wei, otherwise I really wouldn’t be used to it. Nan Wei and Xiao Liang all agreed. Nan Wei and I went back to our room, and rightfully so, a hint of unhappiness occurred. I’m not that kind of selfish and capricious and bratty woman. I blamed Nan Wei for not taking my feelings into consideration, for why he brought me to this kind of place and played this kind of game, for not cherishing me, for not loving me as much as he said he did, and for all the things he did. I hit him, I pinched him, I twisted him, I made him swear that he loved me. I turned my back, my hands on my shoulders, my hair hanging lonely on my chest, I was in tears, my nostrils were heavy, I felt that sex made everything weak, I was sad, I was afraid, I was alone.
My mother used to say that I am stupid, she saw me in everything by the south Wei, mom said I am too no initiative, said I will certainly suffer in the future in this. She was right.
Tuesday, May 13, 2003 Light Rain
I think marriage should be a commitment, but sex obviously does not occupy an insignificant place in it. When this factor evolves into a crisis that two people have to face together, then its resolution needs to be shared by both spouses according to the contract of marriage. One day I asked Nan Wei why he wanted to go to a wife-swapping club to find excitement, if you want to indulge or constantly try to be fresh, it is perfectly possible to hide from me to find a lover outside, so will not it be more exciting.
Nan Wei’s answer made me quite touched, he said, because I love you, so I don’t want to look for a lover outside, wife-swapping clubs are just the right way to fulfill my heart’s desire, I want you to experience another kind of happiness.
Women are just this little bit stupid, he finished these words I do not know why my mood is inexplicably better. The aesthetic fatigue produced between couples leads to a lack of passion in their emotional life, so the wife-swapping club came into being. I remember that day when I was leaving Xiao Liang said to me, in fact, none of us did the most perfect, those two days we should be as good as a change of partner to a strange party, but we care too much about their other half, that’s why it’s very constrained. There is no one thing that can be good for all four people at the same time, without a single flaw, so regret or happiness, it’s the past and the experience that counts. Everyone says that the first step is difficult to step out, but step over will be successful, sometimes when I look back there is a kind of surprise feeling. That day out of the furniture department, I began to regret not having a good chat with Zhang Mei, she is a very inclusive woman, character than I am much more mature, I like her very much.
As long as we were free, the four of us would meet up and go to the Wife Swap Club. Those days, the four of us seemed to be back to our school days, inseparable, I would sometimes see Xiao Liang as Nan Wei, and at other times, I would call Nan Wei as Xiao Liang, and in the end, even I couldn’t tell who was who anymore. And Zhang Mei was no longer shy. Sometimes, the four of us presented ourselves naked and caressed each other.
In a short month, we seemed to be addicted to such a game, we agreed to go there every week, and after trying everything, we were extremely uneasy inside, like a child who steals too much to be greedy, and were terrified. I was scared all of a sudden, I suddenly didn’t want to continue like this, I was afraid that my love for Xiao Liang would resurface, I didn’t want to hurt Zhang Mei. I don’t want to hurt Zhang Mei. I also don’t want to destroy my current family.
I shudder to think what the outcome will be if we continue like this, perhaps addicted to the point where all four of us will pay dearly for it in the end. I don’t dare to think about it anymore ……
So the sex game between the four of us ended with my exit.
We are kind of an old married couple, we have all the kids, but for the first time in this case, in just a blink of an eye, we went through one of the most challenging things in our marriage. So, we wanted to have a very quiet life for ourselves, or live it with a quiet observant attitude, and we had to refresh our love, and we had to get close to our family and our kids.
I just want this to end here.
Recently, Nan Wei often bring a couple to the home to play mahjong, Nan Wei do not like to play mahjong, we play solitaire, pairs of gangs, if the two people in the gang are the first to play cards net, even if it is a win a game. The couple I do not recognize, Nan Wei said his colleagues, the man called Wei Qing, the woman called Li Fang. In this kind of card game, every time it is me and Nan Wei a group, Wei Qing and Li Fang a group, but I feel Nan Wei and Li Fang’s eyes, and Wei Qing is not to me secretly. For such a game, I gradually understand that everyone is really drunk.
Finally, one night, Li Fang suddenly high profile, said we are so set in stone to fight, can not come to some new tricks, I and Nan Wei a group, you two a group. The three of us said in unison, “Okay. So, we broke the routine. As a result, it was a draw, and we usually do not match. Wei Qing jokingly said to Nan Wei, I thought only our family Li Fang and I have the best understanding, so your wife is also good ah. Nan Wei then took over the conversation and said: “Why don’t we try to change our wives?” Wei Qing laughed out loud and said, “I think it’s okay.
Next, I went downstairs to buy wine, while playing cards and drinking, Wei Qing and Nan Wei still continue to tell dirty jokes, we laughed and drank while playing cards, unconsciously all drunk ……
When I woke up, I realized that the one who slept next to me was actually Wei Qing …… I instinctively sat up in an energetic manner. “Don t move,” Liye reached out and pressed me down, putting his finger up to his lips, signaling that there was someone in the outer room of my suite. I realized at once that Nan Wei and Li Fang were sleeping outside. I lay back down, my body tight and bonked, not daring to move a muscle. It was too embarrassing, so embarrassing that I didn’t dare to look at Wei Qing, not to mention facing the people outside. I covered my head in the quilt, hating that this quilt is a divine carpet, wrapping me in a moment and disappeared …… But, I can t disappear.
Wei Qing wrapped his arms around me at this point, and when I tried to get away, he whispered that there was no point anymore. I asked him did we do it. He asked, “What do you think? I said I do not know. He said you are really a silly girl. Then laughed out loud.
Such a conversation and such a scene seemed to have happened a few months ago, when the main characters were just Xiao Liang and Zhang Mei. But again, as if it was a million years away, I suddenly felt my heart beat wildly and rise up with much tenderness. Honestly, I felt that this time it was very tender and exciting, although it was shameless to say such words, but this was my true feeling.
I do not know whether the day is already bright, when I heard the people outside the room out and close the door, Wei Qing began to wear clothes, and I actually a little bit of fondness. I lie on the bed did not move, watching Liye one by one to wear clothes, until he finished tying the tie clothed, and at this time, I thought actually is, if this man is my husband, I will be just as happy. After I thought about this sentence, in my heart fiercely scolded myself “you’re not a man’s husband?” But when he was about to turn around and go out, I still called out to him, and he stopped, but didn’t look at me, said I’ll go first, and opened the door of the room and turned to the outer room.
As long as I closed my eyes, all that was before me was Wei Qing’s shadow, every detail of our time together, and I chewed on each and every one of them, just as I had done back then when I was in love, feeling an inexplicable excitement in the midst of the uneasiness. If the man last time was someone I used to know well years ago, the man this time was a complete stranger. I didn’t know where such a feeling came from, and even vaguely expected such a story to continue.
The more depraved you are, the happier you are. What kind of person says that? It’s derogatory, anyway. But l can’t recognize it.
Thursday, October 2, 2003 Overcast with windy conditions
Ouyang is back. He went to France before, and we didn’t have any correspondence or phone calls for more than two years. Yesterday, he suddenly called me and said he wanted to see me.
Ouyang is my original company colleagues, he has nearly 1 meter 80 tall, handsome handsome sunny man, is my favorite clean look. Ouyang in the company and I have the best relationship, we often go out together to meet customers, talk about business, and then simply to sister and brother.
In a quiet tea garden on Gan Yuan Avenue, Ouyang and I had a conversation, and small happy and pleasant laughs, as if we were a pair of old friends for years. Even, we could read some unsettling content from each other’s seemingly calm faces, and we both seemed to be looking forward to something deep inside.
Ouyang did not slow to ask me if I had heard of the city there is a group of people called the three highs, that is, high education, high income, high vision, they privately and spontaneously organized an informal club form of organization, that is, outsiders called “wife-swapping club”, their purpose is to advocate the freedom of sex, they satisfy the body without involving the soul, but not the soul. They are about free sex. They satisfy the body, not the soul. They say, “We’re friends, then we have sex, but we’re still friends. Or, had sex, had sex in exchange for each other, and so became friends. I shook my head in mock surprise, then nodded plausibly.
Ouyang said he wanted to take me there to have some fun and said he was already a member of their place. I didn’t agree, but suggested that if I wanted to play I could bring my husband to Ouyang’s house. Ouyang was stunned, then giggled. At this time I realized that my face was very hot, picked up the tea and drank it.
To be honest, since the last time with Wei Qing, I suddenly realized that I was still looking forward to this new mode of marriage. I know that Nan Wei is also looking forward to the next pair of wife swappers, after dinner I said this idea with Nan Wei, Nan Wei brushing his teeth half a day without reaction, after a long time he spit out the toothpaste foam in his mouth, smacking his lips and said, you can try.
Mouthy little man. I cursed him in my heart.
Under my careful arrangement, Ouyang brought his wife Yu Juan to my home that night. At the dinner table, Nan Wei couldn’t stop sizing up Yu Juan, who was sitting next to Ouyang. It was also the first time I met Yu Juan, a girl with a clear face that Nan Wei should like.
Honestly, I had a crush on Ouyang two years ago, and if I hadn’t had a child at the time, I think Hong Xing would have been out of the wall by then. After dinner it was the same old episode, Ouyang, Nan Wei and I watched TV in the living room, Yu Juan went to take a shower, half an hour later, Ouyang and I went into the bedroom, Nan Wei and Yu Juan went to the study on the other side of the room.
Around dawn, Nan Wei and Yu Juan knocked on the door and came in, and Ouyang and I were still naked. They wanted to do it in our room and asked Ouyang to videotape it for them, at which time I extremely naturally said to Ouyang, “Come on you three, I’ll videotape it for you. Nan Wei shook his head and told me to watch them. They were very entwined and into it. Later, Ouyang suggested that we do it too, saying that we would record it together. So the four of us did our own on a bed.
As I write this journal entry, the wind has not yet died, there is a half-obscured moon in the sky, thoughtfully peeking in through the window, and I am struck by the clarity of what looks like a pair of eyes watching me in this cool early morning. I think my words may disappear for a while because, obviously, I don’t know what to say anymore, my journal remembers a mess, and I’m depleted, from body to mind. I hope that my children, Southwell, and my family will still take pity on me and give me arms to lean on and a chest to hold my tears.
I also hope that every night or when the world slumbers, I will see a wheel of clear eyes that belong only to me and gaze only at me, looking far away from me and offering me limited comfort.
(End of text)