Foreword (for my late friend, Feng Qiang)
This article is the late friend Feng Qiang prison last work, the former has taken the yellow crane, so I made up this article to honor the deceased.
Feng Qiang, aged 24, was executed on July 12, 1998 by firing squad. He seduced six young girls, attempted to rape one, molested more than ten, and raped and killed two young girls, one of whom was of Japanese nationality. Due to the significant impact, his deeds were not publicized in any media.
The world calls him a great criminal, I disagree, he was a very thoughtful man.
After his imprisonment he confessed to all his acts, and because of his excellent attitude and outstanding personality, a prison guard (in the text, Song) found a very good lawyer who hoped that he could be converted to life imprisonment, but after two years of trial, it was finally set as a death sentence.
During these two years, he wrote this book, and Song in the text gave me the manuscript through special means after his death. Because of the content, this book is impossible to publish, good thing there is the Internet as a medium. I am now re-editing it in the hope that someone will read it. When you read it, you will no longer think he is a hateful sex fiend, you will sympathize with him and be catharticized by his reflections and think things you never thought of.
Wind strong myself is a university chemistry department of senior students, the quality is very high. Not extraordinary good sex are low, you will appreciate after reading this article. In the book, he has done a deeper contemplation on the tradition of sexual culture, and he has also thought about the law, morality, sociology and other aspects. I hope the reader gets these things, otherwise they will be lost. They are the most valuable things because they are the most authentic.
Preface (original postscript editor’s note)
I don’t know how many people will hate me, those who know me, those who don’t know me, those who know their victims and those who don’t. Some of them are hypocritical, some of them are really angry, but I can’t care about any of that, all I can do now is remember.
Next Tuesday I will be executed, I really hope that the person who executes is Xiao Song or Xiao Zhao ah, they really understand me, they understand my thoughts, probably because they are in contact with too many people who have committed crimes!
None of the many things I’ve done that I have a reason to explain, because I’ve done them all out of my own primal desires, with no regard for the harm I’ve done to them. But I don’t intend to have to apologize to the relatives of those girls, if you want to blame it, blame it on this environment of thought that has been formed over thousands of years! I am just a tool for it to act on the human world. Just as Aristotle had to have a lever in order to warp the earth, I was just being used, including my lust, my nature, my selfishness, my thoughts, my faults, and my primitive desires, by society, by morality, by tradition, by destiny, by time, by the gods… You won’t be able to forgive me, and I’m not looking forward to it. I am leaving, I have less than fifty hours. In a place like this, I’m the only one who remembers the days.
Leave me alone. Let me think! I have to leave something behind.
The inside of a dark cloud is dust and water. The filth of the dark cloud comes from the earthly world but is forbidden to return to the earthly world. The dark clouds may have had a chance to become white clouds, only to be drained black and never to become white again. In order to disperse the filth, it has to rain, spreading the filth to the earth, to the place where they came from, and at the same time, the dark clouds disperse… The heart of a dark cloud is black, and it cannot become white. Why? Go ask the world!
By the way, Sosong said that I’m very good mentally. Haha! Of course, I even turned in my college entrance exams early.
By the way, keep an eye on your kids, and I’m talking about girls, especially the pretty ones. Also, there are two things to keep in mind when your kids are young: for boys, give them some exposure to sex, and for girls, don’t let them grow their hair too young.
Seeya.
[Book Ends]
(i) Childhood
The cause of everything is bondage.
Maybe it’s written in my genes to be horny. At a very young age, I already had visions of the opposite sex.
But I didn’t have the chance to know much about it, I just guessed and fantasized about how the girls were different from me.
When I was young, I lived in a rural area, which was very much like a matriarchal society, as everyone in the village was a member of my mother’s family tree. Strangely enough (there was nothing strange about it, if you think about it), there were a lot of girls in the village, and they were all my age. I realized later that there were a lot of kids of other ages, and a lot of boys too, but I only noticed the girls.
My cousin’s family lived in my neighboring yard. At that time our life was quite simple and primitive, as primitive as my desires.
When I was very young, I could cross the broken brick wall, “pop”, and landed in the yard of my sister’s house. Since I didn’t knock on the door, his family was usually unguarded against my arrival, and a couple of times I happened to run into my sister and younger sister bathing in the yard, too young to know shyness at the time, and when the two girls saw me, not only did they not hide, but they even asked me to come over and play with them in the water. Of course, my uncle came out in time to separate us, but I still saw…
It’s really funny and ironic to say that the first time in my life I’ve ever seen a woman’s pussy, it was my older and younger sisters.
Ethics didn’t come out at the right time to stop me at this point; it usually talks the talk. But the notion really sunk in, and I was surprised to realize on my own that it was a sister and a sister, and that I was not allowed to do what was not right. There is a record of incest in Indian law from way back. People were very averse to this, and I certainly was, until I came in here, I still felt no positive thrill from any of the porn or articles depicting incest, only revulsion. Could it be that I am good by nature?
But after seeing my sister’s pussy for the first time, it was a real daydream for a while, the kind of curiosity you only get at that age. So I created a wall inside my own mind of what was the wrong thing to do.
At that time, I didn’t know what intercourse was all about, only that boys and girls could do things that weren’t right; but it wasn’t something that was wrong if you just looked at it.
Maybe… can I touch…?
So my intelligence came into play. I removed a brick from the broken wall, leaving a hole that overlooked the yard next door, and waited for the coming summer…
The next summer came and the weeds in the field grew taller than I was. I plopped down to the heel of the hole every day, and finally one day my sister and my sister came out with a bath tub and a leather hose, so I couldn’t wait to get over the dirt wall, and my sister just happened to have her skirt off and her little butt wiggling at me.
“Pop,” landing in my sister’s yard.
“Ah, get out, get out!” My sister shouted while covering her pussy. While I was surprised, I realized that my sister looked good covering her pussy with her hands…
My sister has grown up. I only have my sister.
How old was my sister when she came here?… I can’t remember… I think she was just a little bit younger than me. I guess she was more interested in showing me! That’s strange. Why do I think that?
However, my sister always bathed with my sister and I didn’t have a chance. It also seemed as if my uncle was beginning to watch out for me, and that time it was just that he happened to be away.
What should I do? A thought suddenly flashed into my mind, as if a door had been opened: why does it have to be in the shower?
Summer was about to pass, my sister and I stood face to face inside the weeds that were taller than us, no one could find us. I can’t remember what I said at the time, but my sister agreed, and we both pulled down our pants, and my sister reached out and touched my cock, and there was no sense of an erection at the time, not even subconsciously. So she touched it and it twitched two or three times.
“Your turn.” I finally waited for my sister to say these words… I took a step closer to her and crouched down It turned out to be like this! It was clear to see that it was really different from me! I trembled and reached out my hand… and so, for the first time, I touched the girl’s pussy. I don’t remember much of what I felt at the time, because it was just a curiosity satisfaction rather than a sexual one.
But that person was my cousin and I didn’t pay much attention at the time.
By today, my sister must know about me too (I heard it’s on lockdown outside), I wonder if she still remembers that summer? I wonder if she remembers that summer? Does she know that she was the first person I confessed to?
I have a monstrous history of being exposed to the sexual signs of the opposite sex at too young an age. This history probably came about because of the overwhelming sexual longing that was innately present in me! However, even without this aberrant history, I would not have been exposed to the education I should have been at the proper age. In fact, most people are like this, they do not receive the education they should have, they can only rely on their own imagination to explain those mysterious things for themselves, just like the ancient superstitions, the lustful mentality arose, arose from being in bondage for a long period of time, and that kind of reverse mentality possesses such a powerful force that it is enough to contribute to crime.
Nature + Natural Desire + Reverse Mentality = Triple Power. This is what I call “the formula for the driving force of sexual behavior”. As for the kind of sex drive that comes from bondage, I used to call it “sexual fetishism”. I have not actually studied sexual psychology or any other aspect or form of psychology, and if my concepts conflict with or are in conflict with existing concepts, it must be purely coincidental, and I would be honored to do so.
I’m not like them. The difference is that the history of the aberration, it happened so early that one of the three elements of my driving force was what I call “sexual fetishism”, which is rooted in the pussy of a pre-school girl. So then I became a pedophile. I still have vivid memories of seeing my older and younger sisters’ pussies. Of course, it may not be their pussies that are fresh in my mind, because I’ve seen a few more since then, so maybe the images overlap.
My friend Pure (real name in original, changed here, same editor’s note below) is also a pedophile, and he has some insight into pedophilia. I’ve always thought his understanding was rather superficial because he analyzes the cause as sensuality.
He said that children’s pubic area has three characteristics: no pubic hair cover, clean and pure; vaginal opening inward buckle, forming a slit-like, do not accept the invasion; smooth and soft to the touch, have a sense of flesh.
I agree with these three characteristics, I have experienced them and they are indeed true. By fleshy, I mean that the vulva is a certain distance from the pubic bone, with fat in the center (actually the pubic dilator muscle, but children don’t usually have the feeling of muscle), soft and elastic to the touch, and it feels like the temptation of breasts to men.
But then again, he’s only scratching the surface of this analysis. Now that someone like me has come along, I think there is a great need for such an analytical debate, especially for those of you who are pedophiles like us, and I think you are the most likely group of people to read this, so I hope you get something out of it. I can’t say how useful it will be to you, because I’m not a psychologist after all, but I’m sure it will be useful.
Prison guard Song has been very kind to me, I must say. He gave me the pen and paper I’m using to write this article. On the day I first came in, he beat me up, almost killing me and breaking one of my ribs. Later, on the way to the prison to see the doctor, the words, “What’s a man like you thinking?” That started our conversation.
Song loved to listen to me talk about these things, in addition to relieving his boredom, my thoughts were probably a novelty he had never been exposed to before. After all, only a dying person like me would have no qualms about revealing his so-called “absolute privacy”.
Summary: This chapter is a very important chapter in the book, as Windy explains his understanding of the roots of pedophilia, which in turn leads him to think about sex crimes. This chapter is the starting point of the book, and the events that follow are all caused by the contents of this chapter.
(ii) Growth
Gradually, as I grew older, I became more and more aware of girls, though I wasn’t sure where those perceptions came from.
Inside the city where I live there is a very small museum that has exhibits of dinosaurs, whales, and other things. The second floor of the museum is the human gallery, and the first time my dad took me there he didn’t take me to the second floor, but I saw the introduction on the first floor.
At that time, I was only in elementary school and didn’t know many words, nor did I know what “sex” was, but there was an illustration of a blonde girl… It would have been fine if that was all there was to it, but the girl was completely naked and facing me, so I could see her clearly! So I had an overwhelming desire to go to the second floor. After returning home that day, I started earning money, and a month later I went to the museum alone.
The stairs, where are the stairs!
I went very early so I was the only one on the entire second floor, great, just the environment I wanted.
Such a big showroom, all by myself!
I decided to start looking at the right side. The photos here are all a man tall and so clear to see. But why are they all men? It’s strange, their cocks look like that, but why is there a round head in front, with a small slit… that slit looks a bit like… my sister’s and my sister’s pussies came back to my mind. By that time, we had already left the countryside and moved into a building, and even though my sister and brother lived in the same building as me, I rarely had the chance to see them again, let alone watch them take a shower. As for their pussies, that could only exist in my memory. Could a similar feeling be found on top of my own cock? At least the one of those uncles on top of the picture looked a little bit like it.
I looked around the exhibition hall and I was still alone. No one is going to show up out of the blue! Thinking so, I lifted up one leg of my shorts and took out my cock. At that moment, I suddenly felt an inexplicable thrill of being able to show my cock in public. The cold air in the empty hall stroked my exposed penis, and it didn’t feel the same as usual, even though I had just moved it as skillfully as when I was taking a piss.
I looked around the hall again to decide whether to take it back as quickly as possible. But no one was there – not only that, but as I was “looking around”, I saw the panel behind me, on the opposite wall, and one of the most familiar and unfamiliar, and sensitive, images rushed into my eyes through the air around me – wasn’t it my sister’s pussy that I had been thinking about so much?
Actually that wasn’t a sister, of course not. It was an unrecognizable little girl, or rather an indistinguishable little girl, because there was no face on the picture. But her pussy was right in front of my eyes – if I took a few steps that way…
So I rushed over to that display, my face almost pressed to the glass. It was equal-sized, maybe bigger, and at the time I only had a very vague idea of what a girl’s body looked like. In any case, the pussy was very clearly visible, slightly bulging and white, with that slit in the center, and everything matched so closely to the memory, only clearer and more intense. I couldn’t help but reach out and touch that pussy, forgetting that it was only a photograph, and ended up touching the cold glass panel.
When I said “cold”, a slight coolness suddenly came to my mind through the sensory nerves of my lower body, and I looked down to see that my penis was still exposed. Right, what did I want to do just now–I used my right hand to hold up the head of my penis, and suddenly realized that there was something different–why did my penis become hard and straight!
I gently peeled off the skin encasing the top of the glans downward, and the glans, which had risen like a ball, was revealed.
What’s this? Is it an organ in my body? Does it have a purpose I don’t know about other than peeing?
The dark corner wasn’t enough for me to recognize my body, and I pinched the base of my penis to keep it straight, then carefully made my way to the bright spot. I didn’t realize at the time what I was being careful about, as if my penis would break if I didn’t pay attention. However, I had overlooked what I actually should have been careful of – I had walked close to the stairway.
I was concentrating on the tiny crack when I suddenly heard footsteps, and not alone, with talk and laughter mixed in. I looked up too late as four men appeared at the top of the stairs in front of me with my penis exposed and pointing straight up at the ceiling.
At the level of my vision, I could see two faces, two twin girls, probably about my age, very cute. Of course I can’t possibly remember what they looked like now, but I clearly remember their expressions at the time – maybe twins even have the same expressions, I don’t know, but they did have the exact same look of surprise and… something like fear on their faces, and I remember that look very clearly, and I will never forget it in this lifetime (of course, this lifetime may only be a few months away).
They were unprepared for the sudden, and forced, sight of a boy’s penis, in its erect state.
I don’t know what kind of sex education either of the kids were exposed to, and maybe they hadn’t received it before that day, or they wouldn’t have gone to that museum. But the girls probably didn’t have any fantasies or desires for the pussy of the opposite sex like I did! Such sudden exposure was a real shock to the girls. I didn’t have time to see what their parents looked like before my subconscious mind had driven my legs towards them as fast as I could, through them, in an attempt to run downstairs.
At that point, however, one of the things that ended up causing so much misery happened — one of the girls tried to avoid me, but chose the wrong direction, and the result, of course, was that she collided with me, and we both fell, with me on top of her, my upper body touching the ground. Perhaps she and I realized at the same time that my cock was still out then, still straight and — resting on its little face.
It was a wonderfully stimulating sensation, and for the first time my penis made contact with the opposite sex in a working condition.
The softness and warmth of the girl’s small face continued to send a thrill through my cock that almost broke me, albeit only for a few seconds. My subconscious overcame me and I got up and continued to rush downstairs.
“Hey! …” I heard a male yell from behind me, interspersed with the cries of a little girl. This made me so nervous that I almost went weak, and I ran forward without regard for anything, and without regard for anything that of course included that fatal mistake–a naked penis.
My penis throbbed to the rhythm of my running, and as my nerves got the better of me, it lost its erection and returned to its original form, but still didn’t automatically retract inside my shorts. I don’t remember how the people around me looked at me at the time, because all I knew was running, and it wasn’t until I ran out of the museum that I realized that mistake and corrected it untimely. But the thrill of having my penis exposed and being seen by many people I didn’t know was still vividly imprinted in my mind.
The museum is very close to my home, so it was a short walk home. I purposely chose the path through the buildings so I could give myself time to catch my breath and calm down.
The tall buildings around me (which weren’t really that tall) cast dark shadows, and I suddenly hated the shadows for some reason, so I picked up my pace, and after walking for an unknowingly long time, I found myself walking into a cluster of buildings in another residential neighborhood.
“Where is this…”
The structure of this complex was much looser than the one I lived in, and there were small gardens between the buildings, which were filled with very tall (not really tall) and very dense plants. I was really tired of walking, so I decided to take a rest in that kind of field. In fact, I thought that since no one could see me in such a dense area, I could take a good look at my…
But things are so coincidental (you mean it’s okay if you say it’s not coincidental) that when I stepped into the field bushes in the garden, I saw that there was already someone inside.
It was a little sister in a white dress, squatting on the ground feeding a big fat rabbit. She looked up at me when she heard me ruffle the branches, then lowered her head again.
“What!” I almost screamed, but immediately I calmed down. It just had the same hairstyle as the girl just now, and it was several years younger than that! I let out a long breath, and a vague thought suddenly came to me, if I…
Before the idea took shape I suddenly realized that a small tent was rising in the middle of my shorts. This is… yes, it’s a cock. It seems that it gets hard when I’m aroused!
So that idea got a little more concrete and I implemented it before it was fully born. I walked up to the little girl and squatted down, pretending to feed that rabbit with her, she didn’t react much, if at all, as if she was quite happy. I stroked the rabbit with my left hand, the soft touch gave me even more excitement, my right hand unconsciously went to my crotch and felt my hard cock from between my shorts. It seemed to have risen even more now than at the museum!
The purple round head of my penis peeked out of the foreskin a little, carrying the whole thing with it as my heartbeat jiggled one by one, becoming more and more pronounced. The girl finally noticed the throbbing glans, but didn’t react much, which somewhat disappointed me. I stood up and went around behind her, she didn’t turn around, just played with the rabbit.
Good chance!
I spread my legs wide and stood behind her, endeavoring to probe forward, but not daring to go too fast, little by little─finally, the glans touched her neck. The electric shock like sensation immediately pierced me, I couldn’t control myself, holding her shoulders with both hands, rubbing my penis on her white neck so hard that my heart was beating beyond the normal range. I couldn’t believe my eyes and senses, my penis rubbing straight up against a girl’s neck… it was an amazing feeling!
But the girl also finally reacted, she suddenly broke away from me and stood up, turned around and glared at me: “What are you doing!”
I heard her voice, saw her small face and slightly upturned pigtails, and thought again of the girl I had just knocked over. That feeling… Let’s do it again… I grabbed her shoulder and pressed it down hard, then pushed up my cock and jabbed it into her face, hitting her dimples. The little girl cried out all of a sudden. It wasn’t a loud cry, but it was enough to shatter my heart and lungs. But the excitement was still coming… What should I do? Should I run away or…
That’s when my eyes lit up–“Look, your rabbit is running away! I’ll catch it for you.” It worked, and the little girl looked back at the rabbit, and even though it was sitting there honestly eating the leaves, the girl pounced on it and grabbed it.
I waited for a while and no one came, so it seemed her parents weren’t around, maybe she lived in the building and her parents were at home! God really favored me.
I went around to her front and said to her, “Don’t move, don’t let go! Or your rabbit will run away.”
The little girl dutifully held the rabbit still, tears welling up inside her eyes, and I knew it was dangerous, and that she might call out at any moment, but couldn’t care less!
Haha… I suddenly wanted to laugh maniacally, this little girl had been conquered by me! What should we do first? She’s holding the rabbit, so it’s impossible for her to crouch down and rub her face with her cock, but there’s no place on her body where she’s naked…
Yeah, well, if she doesn’t have it, she can have it! I hesitated briefly, then simply stepped up and lifted her white dress. The little yellow panties were exposed, blinding like the sun. If I’m going to do it, I said to myself, and pulled down my little panties as well. It was so daring then, I would never do it so dryly if I had to do it now.
The little girl finally cried out, I subconsciously shouted: “Do not cry!” She as if I was scared, really do not cry.
I shifted my eyes from her face back to my lower body… There were damn tall and thick fields around me, and the light wasn’t very good to see much. But it felt very much like the same tall, thick weeds around me when I was with my sister that year, and I remembered what that was doing. Unfortunately, now she was holding a rabbit in her hand, she couldn’t touch my penis, otherwise it would have been more comfortable for her to touch it in this state–of course, the one who was comfortable was me.
Just as well, if I don’t touch it, I can do something else. I squatted down and moved my body to get closer to her pussy. Although I knew very little about it at the time, I at least knew that that place was usually used for peeing, and I would feel dirty if I got too close. So instead of getting my face close, I reached out with both hands and stroked her pussy with abandon.
It was an unprecedented sense of conquest (easy conquest is one of the reasons why pedophilia arises, isn’t it?), freedom and fulfillment. I suddenly thought to myself, “Even if you don’t tell me what a girl’s penis looks like, I will still look at it and touch it myself, and I will… what?
I rubbed the two flaps of flesh on either side of the slit, it was really plump and soft, so comfortable! Inadvertently, my hands exerted pressure in the opposite direction, and my slit opened slightly… I seemed to see something, but I didn’t seem to see anything at all.
The girl then called out: “pain, pain!” I was afraid that she attracted others, and quickly said: “Do not talk, does not hurt, do not get.” Hand also dare not force.
However, from this moment on, a new question arose in my mind: Is it possible to open the slit? What was inside?
Still no one came, and it would be a waste if I didn’t do something! I can’t keep stroking her pussy here, it’s very comfortable, but I’ll get bored of doing the same thing all the time (although I haven’t up to that point). I suddenly noticed that my cock was still swollen, and it felt like fire was burning in it. Oh yeah, this!
“Little sister, do you know what this is?” I pinched the root of my penis to show her. I simply stepped back in order for her to see it a little better.
The little girl didn’t say anything and didn’t shake her head, just shedding tears, probably scared, or maybe it really hurt her just now. I thought about it for a while, and suddenly, even to my own surprise, I took off my entire shorts, and stood in front of the girl with my lower body naked.
Her eyes were wide as she gazed at my cock. I jerked the foreskin off with my hand and exposed the whole glans. My entire pubic area was displayed in front of this strange little girl: the purple glans, the straight penis, the wriggling testicles, and those little bumps on the surface of my pubic skin like chicken skin (I didn’t realize at the time that they were pubic hairs about to break out of their shells).
The little girl started shaking all over, and I thought she didn’t even have the strength to scream, so I took a big step toward her, my glans touching her skin.
I was taller than her, so I stabbed her right up to her belly button. It was probably a predestined experience, predestined that I could only know so much at that age, and what would have happened if my penis had been right at the height of her pussy door.
I began to do squats, my glans rubbing all over her lower body, and of course past the dimpled slit. But perhaps I was too excited to think much of anything, instead I rubbed long and hard on those two flaps of flesh that had always attracted me the most, and would have rubbed even longer if this semi-squatting position hadn’t been so uncomfortable.
At that moment, the skirt that had been cupped in her hand suddenly fell down and the skirt covered both of our pussies. I crouched down a little to pull myself out, but because I was tripping over my shorts, I didn’t take that step, but fell forward a little, and my glans stabbed hard, and the place was so soft and collapsed… could it be… As I was reflecting on the sensations of my death just now, something fortunate for a little girl happened – there was a shout from outside the field of objects. “Yuan Yuan, it’s time to eat!”
The sound was like a death knell at the gates of hell, forever imprinted in my memory, for it literally broke my spirit at that moment. Luckily the little girl, perhaps terrified, didn’t cry or scream out loud. I pulled up my shorts and scurried out of the bushes in the direction of home and fled. Out of instinct I looked back to the same place where the sweet memory had just occurred, an aunt was bending over and calling out to the clump of field stuff. On the side of the building she had just walked out of there was a large metal sign with huge red letters: “Number 12”.
Instead of going straight home, I took a few spins inside the mall near my home. The feeling of my pussy brushing against the girl’s face when I fell, the feeling of running through the crowd with my penis exposed, the feeling of my glans rubbing against the back of the little girl’s neck, the feeling of the moment I took off her panties, the feeling of removing my own shorts and letting my lower body bare, the feeling of my hands caressing the two pieces of flesh, the feeling of my forefinger brushing against the flesh of the slit, the feeling of my penis rubbing against her, and the feeling of the last moment when I stabbed into that concave, soft spot… And… I kept wondering, was it an illusion?
Did I really open the slit? There seems to be something inside… Can I open it?
Can you open it?
What’s it like inside?
It’s as if I suddenly knew too many things this day, but it’s as if there are more things I don’t know. Is this growing up?
Everyone has experienced something while growing up. How do boys discover that their penis gets hard? Not everyone has been to that museum, but everyone has discovered the fact of an erection, why is that? There must be a specific thing triggered, but this thing is different for everyone, some may be just unintentionally touched, some probably parents and friends to tease him when he touched the reaction, my specific incident is just a bit typical, but this led to my later desire to expand, which is probably the so-called “broken egg effect! This is probably the so-called “broken egg effect”!
By the same token, this same effect worked on some other eventualities while growing up, such as an oversight on my part that left my penis naked in an erect state for all to see, which taught me about the kind of pleasure that would lead to some of my later exposing behaviors and molestation of those girls. The unpredictability of chance events created a person like me. Of course, there are many other reasons for the molding of my personality, and I would become like this simply because too many episodic events happened to me in a concentrated manner, which in itself was an episodic event, and I became the one who broke countless eggs.
Another thing that still baffles me is how humans eventually discovered that penises and vaginas can be joined at the hip. It’s probably less than 1 in 10,000 that someone else told them, and it’s basically spontaneous.
Could this spontaneity have all resulted from a billion different eventualities as well? What about the earliest primitive man?
Marx said that the difference between humans and animals is that they make tools. It seems that in some other schools of philosophy there are other definitions of difference, such as consciousness. So, apart from that, the consciousness and desire for sex is the same for humans and animals? The difference is that people can control this desire, but some people can control it well, and some people can’t. People can find all sorts of reasons and all sorts of terms to disguise this desire, such as morality, such as law, such as love.
Putting these cover-ups aside, it seems as if things become a little clearer that humans, like animals, eventually spontaneously discovered that males and females use the penis and vagina for intercourse. You can read this as an initial sexual superstition leading to it, you can read it as a geometrical distinction between male and female genital bulges and depressions, or you can read it as an inherited nature imprinted in the genes by evolution. Either way, one eventually discovers this.
I found it just as well, except that the serendipitous event that triggered it was another classic.
(iii) Discovery
That experience led me to perceive some kind of unidentified pleasure. In order to validate this pleasure, I began a new phase while my psyche began to morph.
At that time both parents worked, they worked in the same factory, so they always went out and came back at the same time. I was also in elementary school and had some time and energy at my disposal. Once I was home alone more often, I gradually felt bored. I couldn’t find anything to do at home, so I went out.
It was summer, and there was a large park near my home, which of course had an open-air swimming pool, so I went to the park to play when I had nothing else to do. That day, I went to the swimming pool, and the janitor, seeing that I was small, probably thought that my parents were there, so he didn’t stop me and didn’t ask for a ticket. But I didn’t bring anything with me, so how could I swim? Too bad about my good water skills, I thought, and sat down near the water slide.
“Wow!”
“Hahahahahaha…”
I picked a really bad spot, so much water splashed on me. I looked toward where the laughter was coming from and couldn’t help but look away.
Two little girls, who looked even younger than me, had just gotten off the slide and climbed ashore, dripping wet, and were standing next to me wiping water off their bodies with towels. To my surprise and excitement, they weren’t wearing swim trunks, just regular panties, both white, which had become almost completely transparent after being soaked in water.
The deep slit was right in front of my eyes, and although it was separated by a layer, it was very clear to see, and the two little girls were actually oblivious to it.
I looked at them with my eyes glazed over, they were just a few feet away from me, and I couldn’t help but reach out and touch one of the girls right on top of her pussy. But the little girl didn’t even think she felt it, and the two of them continued to chat, shaking their long hair (which was long for their age) as they did so. I couldn’t help myself, so I pushed my finger through the slit underneath the panties, and touched the actual slit – that soft, real feeling… At that moment, the girl suddenly jumped up, ran to the side, and looked at me blankly, wondering what she was going to say.
Probably too young, maybe the shame is just arising not strong enough yet.
Suddenly their parents came over, I think so because one of the girls ran towards them while calling out “Daddy”. This time I reacted a few times faster than the last time I was at the museum, stood up, turned around and ran.
Outside the swimming pool was a large bamboo forest with pavilions and benches. I ran to an unoccupied pavilion and sat down, suddenly realizing that I seemed to be at peace, without the almost fatal nervousness I had felt last time. But there was one thing that proved that something had just happened – my penis was sticking out of my shorts!
A sudden desire came over me, different from the desire for a girl’s pussy, kind of like the last time I ran out of a museum with my penis exposed–I wanted to expose it. I looked around to see that no one was around and did just that, and this time I could watch carefully as I played with this devil growing underneath me, feeling an urge with each touch, but I didn’t know what it was.
Gee… No, let’s go home! So I walked out of the park and headed for home.
Soon I entered the cluster of buildings, and as I looked up, I realized that there was something above the buildings I knew so well that I hadn’t noticed before–there was a big iron sign above each building with the number of the building on it. That’s strange, why didn’t I notice it before? …. Yes, there was a sign like this with the number 12… Yes, that’s the building where that little girl called Yuen Yuen lives… I accidentally saw it last time… Thinking about that experience made me excited again. I decided to go and have a look, although I didn’t really know why I wanted to.
Upon arriving, I quickly dug inside the clump of field stuff from last time, however, unfortunately, there was nothing in there. I sighed softly and burrowed out, only to see the little girl coming this way with a rabbit in her arms.
Oh, my God! How could there be such a coincidence! I hid and waited for her to go into the grass, but instead of going in there, she put the rabbit down to graze on her own, and went off to the side to pick the hibiscus flowers from the top of a wood hibiscus tree. The tree wasn’t very tall, but she was too short to reach it.
I walked up, picked a flower and handed it to her, she took it without saying a word, then looked up at me and suddenly her eyes widened, then immediately covered her pussy with her hand, turned and ran away.
I had a sudden burst of evil energy and ran after her, around her and in front of her, “brushing” my shorts down, my penis exposed, trembling, rhythmic erection.
I saw Round take a deep breath, turn and run into the building. I even distinctly remember a perverted smile at the corner of my mouth at that moment, as if I had ever witnessed the footage then from a third-person perspective. Something did arise in my psyche at that time, I just wasn’t sure, as if there was a sense of excitement in seeing her terrified.
I had grown a little, and my penis was changing day by day. But the fact that this change was visible was far less horrifying than another invisible deformation – my psyche had become different from that of other kids since then.
The elementary school I went to was not far from home, so I walked to and from school alone. On the way home, I had to pass through a cluster of buildings, among which was that building No. 12, so Yuan Yuan and I met often. Gradually and surprisingly, we got to know each other, and she stopped avoiding me.
But I remember the way she was moving her hand tightly over her pussy, pressing her skirt down between her legs. She was already afraid of me, I thought, so I didn’t think any less of her until the following summer arrived.
Something happened at school that day that I can’t remember, and I ran downstairs to Round’s house early and dug into the grass. It was a long wait before Round came in wearing a little white dress and pulling a small dog. That rabbit supposedly didn’t make it through the harsh northern winter.
It’s strange, at first she was so afraid of me, she must have decided at one point that I was a bad person, but then we actually got to know each other, simply because I saw her every day. And the initial genesis of our acquaintance was even more unbelievable; simply put, it was because I molested her and we had superficial sexual contact; technically, it was probably considered a form of rape. Yet we became good friends, and it’s unbelievable how various times and relationships have developed since then; it seems like my end was foreordained.
What’s even weirder is that we’ve known each other for almost a year (I don’t see her during the winter months), and knowing that that’s when I realized how cute she really is, that’s probably my initial assessment of a girl’s appearance. I’ve always thought that it’s the initial things that have the biggest impact, and that broken egg effect is proof of that.
She was indeed a cute little girl, with curved eyes, dimples, and slightly chubby, and these would later become the criteria by which I judged women, meaning that in the days to come, I always thought that the girls who met these criteria were the prettiest.
We groomed the puppy together, at first she stood bent over, then when she got tired of standing she squatted down. I swear I wasn’t the one who noticed from the beginning that she wasn’t wearing panties.
My eyes gazed irreversibly there, I hadn’t seen a girl’s pussy in half a year. But from previous experience, once she realizes I’m looking she’ll tighten up and maybe run away, so I don’t dare to look more than I have to, but my eyes are completely out of control.
What was even more unruly, of course, was the restless penis, and although the position I was sitting in didn’t make it appear obvious, there was a point where it was getting bigger little by little, and there was no hiding it. The scene really screamed overwhelm, and it was me who wanted to run that time.
But she “giggled” and did what is still called an amazing thing – lifted up the edge of her skirt. The sunlight was already weak as it passed through the tall, dense field and then through the white dress, but I felt that it was exceptionally bright.
Her squatting position made it necessary to spread her legs to the sides, so her slit opened a little with it… For a moment, an unknown impulse flowed through my brain, but I did nothing, just sat dumbfounded, staring wide-eyed at it, the slightly open lower body that almost sucked me in.
Still giggling, she said, “You want to see it, don’t you?” She suddenly questioned me with the directness of a child.
Maybe she said something else, but it was too long ago for me to remember, and I only remember answering without thinking, “I want to!”
“Then you let me see it too.”
“Good.” The small gap in the middle of this memory was that the dog had disappeared by this time, but then it was there every time Yuan Yuan and I met, but it didn’t matter anymore, all I wanted to do then was reach out and touch…
“Mom will be out, let’s go somewhere else.” I still remember very clearly her saying that, and I followed her as if I were asleep in a daze, into a residential building dozens of stories high.
There were a lot of buildings like that around, I later realized it was building 27, which had just been built and was only half full. She led me into the door at a run, completely ignoring the elevator, and ran up the stairs to the fourth floor. It was so dark here that she skillfully turned on the light, and I was surprised to find all kinds of toys and dolls on the floor, with newspapers spread out, which was obviously a “secret base” set up by the little one herself.
“No one comes here.” She gloated.
“I want to see your…” I said in mid-sentence, suddenly realizing what an outrageous thing I was saying, and hurriedly stopped.
“What do you want to see?” She was still smiling, and I’ll always remember her crescent-like eyes, “Say it, or I won’t show you.” She turned her head.
My nine year old intelligence and sanity was completely shattered by temptation and desire, and I blurted out a big unseemly word: “I want to see your cock.”
Yuan Yuan took a breath, punched me, said: “rascal.” Said slowly turned to me, lifted up the skirt and said: “Look.”
The edge of my skirt slowly rose and finally crossed the warning line, however at that moment the light went out and we screamed at the same time. In the split second before the light went out, I clearly saw, saw… An agitation arose within me, and I defied my senses and stripped my lower body to the bone. My penis had been holding it in for a long time, and it finally stretched out at that moment.
Yuan Yuan pressed the switch on the wall, the hallway lit up again, I stood with my lower body completely naked, and Yuan Yuan was shocked again when she turned around: “Who told you to do this, turn around!”
I didn’t even bother with what she said and took a step towards her : “You take off your clothes too.”
“Nasty! You… (she said something but forgot it) I actually wanted to touch your cock.”
“No, I’m taking it all off, and so are you.”
The lights went out again in the middle of the argument. I said I would turn on the light, and when I did, Yuan Yuan had indeed taken off her skirt and was standing naked in front of me. This was the first time I had been so close to a girl’s naked body, and I was so excited that I couldn’t speak.
For a moment I remembered my sister and I touching each other’s pussies when we were kids, but that was too distant a memory.
“Let me touch it.”
“Hey…” I suddenly had a question that shouldn’t have arisen at this point: “Why did you show me your… and bring me here, and touch my cock?”
“Nasty! Don’t you dare say those two words again!”
“Okay, I’ll stop.”
“Actually, I think that your… is quite funny. You see, I don’t.”
The lights went out again. Yuan Yuan said, “Don’t turn it on, there’s a candle here.” I lit the candles, but I didn’t know how to strike a match yet!
The bright light was just enough to illuminate us both, and we couldn’t help but take another step closer. She shakily reached out with her chubby little hand and suddenly squeezed my glans.
“Ahh! Pain!” I yelled, she quickly stopped me: “Don’t yell, someone will come later.
I thought it didn’t grow on it!”
“Nonsense. Don’t you have a long one there?”
“I’m going in here.”
“Let me see.” I knelt down and pressed my face close to her pussy and pressed my hands up to both labia, and that gentle touch that I had expected and felt so many times hit me again.
I pushed a little to the sides and opened the door, and saw that it was inside, bright wet pink flesh with a hole in the center. I couldn’t help but put my index finger towards the hole, but she suddenly screamed, “No, it tickles, it hurts…”
I looked up at her and she gave a pained expression, “Don’t you touch that reddit, I’m going to get chills when I touch it myself.”
That comment instead piqued my curiosity, and I had ignored the bean when the inside wasn’t very regularly constructed, but that’s when it got bigger, and with her saying that, I poked it with my index finger.
“Ahhhh!” She suddenly let out a loud yelp. I hastily gestured to her to silence her, and while doing so, I looked up at her face, expecting it to be an angry face, but I couldn’t imagine that there wasn’t a lot of anger or pain on her face; it was hard to explain that expression.
“Don’t… or, why don’t you touch it again, just let you touch it.”
So I stabbed again, this time she did not scream, but her whole body shuddered violently and sat down on the floor. I hurriedly said, “I’m sorry, I won’t touch anymore.”
“No, I touched myself in kindergarten, and somehow… I saw a hole and stuck my finger in it, and there was that kind of… oops, it’s my turn to touch you.” Without any further ado, she pushed me down onto the newspaper. Her warm little hand cupped my penis, and the erection increased again.
“Yah, it’s getting bigger and jumping! That beaner of mine jumps too.” She was playing with my cock so carefully that she didn’t notice that she was touching the opposite sex. But I noticed, and I wasn’t quite awake until I realized that being touched by the opposite sex was so comfortable, and being seen by the opposite sex was so exciting.
“By the way,” I said, sitting up suddenly, “did you just say that you had your finger in there in kindergarten?”
“Yeah.”
“Look, you’ve got a hole there, and I’ve got this…” My God, what a bold idea, to realize the role of the sex organs on my own without being taught by anyone at that age, I have to admit I’m a bit clever.
Yuan Yuan was almost as good as me, though she was a few years younger: “I know, stick your cock in my hole…”
“Yeah!” We all had excitement on our faces, but of course the excitement should have been more than just our faces.
“Let’s try it!”
So without thinking about the position, we both got on our knees and pushed our crotches forward as far as we could until my straight red glans touched her slit.
Yuan Yuan sat up straight and used her hands to open her pussy door a bit: “Hurry up, I’m really tired!” So I sat up, put my hands on her waist, and pulled her towards me, pulling her knees off the ground, and with the red bean aligned with my glans, I raised my back and sent it…
“Ah!”
“Ahhhhhh!”
Serendipity helped me to discover male-female intercourse. But is this what they call “the inevitable in serendipity”?
I didn’t use any ink to describe the feeling I had after intercourse with Yuan Yuan, not only because I couldn’t remember it very well due to the distance of time, but also because the feeling couldn’t be described in words at all. Although it was just a one-time game, and neither of us realized its importance, and we didn’t do any thrusting, the feeling was still strongly engraved in our hearts.
Girls seem to be curious about boys’ sexual organs as well, they just don’t all express it as boldly as Yuan Yuan does.
Also, for a long time in the beginning, my concept of women was only at the level of young girls, and this coincided with a period of sexual awareness, which is probably a big part of the origin of my pedophilia!
(to be continued)