Feel free to reprint this article. And the copyright belongs to the original creator. When reprinting, please do not delete this article.
In order to protect the real identities of the people who provide past events, all characters appearing in this article are replaced by pseudonyms. Please do not verify.
I am very grateful to these online friends who are eager to assist me in my creative endeavors!
Chapter Five: Love, Unspeakable (I)-Swinging Between Love and Mourning
‘My heart
Gray cold crimson hot
Mutually exclusive impact resistance
Your shadow.
Bright white and verdant green
Nourish and grow and thrive
I’m not the prince of your life but a comet drifting through the world.
The traveler wanders and wanders.
Ask me if I have a place to stay.
You will see me when the angels come again.
Just because you’re an angel.
’
I had a dream.
White walls, white bed, white human form, white heart. I was lying in a hospital bed.
I was awake in the dream.
What’s wrong with me? Why am I here? The IV tube in my left hand informs me of my situation.
The bitterness of the pills lives on my tongue. The white sunlight stings the eyes.
Rising shakily, my skinny self held onto the IV stand and made my way to the seemingly distant window. Hobbling and clenching my teeth, I moved my body stiffly to the window.
The windows welcome the exhibition, a dream garden.
The first thing I saw was not a garden full of flowers and birds – but a small, inconspicuous mushroom. Beige in color, swaying gently in the wind, it stood quietly on the edge of the window. Its delicate body seemed to break at the slightest moment. However, ‘she’ proudly showed me her toughness.
What should I call her? Kind of like a golden mushroom used in cooking hot pot. However, she seemed too petite. Smoothly, I took out a red pen and reddened her tip, a chic pin nailed to a white window frame.
I’ve got friends. It’s as if she’s happy to put on new colored makeup too.
My smile froze. A sharp pain traveled through my body from my abdomen, and I could barely stand up in a cold sweat! The nurse on rounds happened to be passing by and kindly helped me back to bed.
“Your body needs more recuperation, don’t move around if you’re not doing anything.” She admonished me professionally, “There’s nothing to see out the window.”
“Oh!” I responded vaguely. What a new friend I’ve made by the window. A mutant little red-headed mushroom.
When you are sick for a long time, even the faces of your family members are sickly. The quality of my friends’ visits diminished day by day. Being alone is my privilege, my pain.
Drowsiness. Since waking up in the early hours of the morning, the light from the street lamps greeted me through the mist. The mushroom is still there, angry. I talk to her and she listens quietly. That’s good, a dear friend who never complains of sighs.
As the days went by, she became the only solace for the spirit.
One day, I woke up in the throes of pain. There was the faintest sound of laughter from the neighboring bed, and the tears that I had thought had dried up, fell down my cheeks. It was too late to wipe them away, and I was not allowed to do so. Tired of crying and physically exhausted, I drifted off to dreamland again…
Awake again, dawn came. Instead, an extra red women’s jacket was draped over her body, smelling faintly of roses. Who was so kind? Could it be the family in the next bed? I put it on the back of the chair with my hand. Reluctantly, I got up and stepped towards the window sill.
The first light rain has washed the red from the crown of that little mushroom, restoring the rich vibrant beige color, dewy and wet as she glows with the morning sun.
Noisy bird cries roused the sick in the neighboring bed. I was about to return the coat when I realized it was nowhere to be found! In its place was a bottle of white stars. The starbursts are lost in the pale colors of the surroundings.
“May I ask if you…, did a guest wearing an infrared jacket come in last night?” I asked the female patient, extremely vain.
“No.” The female patient shook her head, “No memory of it.”
Was it a vision? I…, my stomach and head were suddenly in agony! Beads of sweat slid down my body from my forehead, and my pajamas became sticky. Collapsing back into the hospital bed, I convulsed and swayed from side to side.
“Healer ~ student ~! There’s a situation! Someone come quickly!” I can’t tell how far away the voice is. Eyelids so heavy. My heart is even heavier.
I opened my eyes to a thin slit, only to see a beige-colored girl standing beside me. Her beautiful face was filled with anxiety and concern, and she looked familiar. She seemed to be asking me if I was uncomfortable.
I can’t hear or open my eyes. …
The doctor’s face was grave after reading my ultrasound and X-ray reports, “Ah Yan, your condition has aggravated quite a bit, you have to go into the operating room to have the diseased part of your stomach removed before you can do so.”
What can I say? Glancing at my parents, who had rushed to the hospital in a blaze of glory, I didn’t say a word. Let’s face it.
As soon as the others left, I approached the little mushroom by the window and narrated my inner worries, insecurities, and dreams and ambitions that I wanted to fulfill, and she nodded as if she understood me.
I walked to the door, sad thoughts can not get rid of. Once I turned around, I saw the beige girl leaning against the window looking at me; only then did I look back, and the silhouette disappeared without a trace.
The scene switches to the operating room. I’m lying on the operating table as doctors and nurses bustle in and out. A dose of anesthesia from the anesthesiologist made me gradually lose consciousness. Putting on the oxygen mask, I detached my consciousness from my body and fell into a deep sleep…
I came to a large green meadow. Some of the departed relatives were picnicking and feasting, and the beige girl whose face was not quite so clear was there. I walked toward her with light steps.
The young girl’s long, soft, fine hair rose and splashed from the wind, vaguely revealing an elegant aura.
‘What brings you to this place?’ She was surprised at first. Reaching out the warm hand of friendship, the two shook. Not communicating with words.
We laughed, traveled the beautiful world, and spent the afternoon in peace and quiet. After dinner, she and I used the earth as a mat and lay side by side, admiring the stars and looking up into the sky at the small, mischievous, winking eyes that hung high in the sky.
The girl’s warmth and shyness was conveyed to me through the palm of her hand, “In fact…, I’m the little mushroom by the window that has been looking at you…”
I had it in my mind, but it was hard to hide my surprise.
She cried, “You don’t belong to this world… You’d better go back…”
All of a sudden, all the colors completely faded away and I was plunged into a black hole. I kept falling down… with no end in sight….
The tearing pain brought back my drifting consciousness. ‘Duh… Duh…’ The sound of the monitoring device overcame the tug-of-war with death. I was still alive.
The scent and warmth of a beige-colored girl were still in my hand. I was really tired… I couldn’t stand the physical strain… and my eyelids gradually drooped…
I can’t remember how many days I slept. When I woke up, my family’s relieved smiles attested to the success of the operation. Where was the bottle of stargazer? What about the strength that I trusted with all my heart?
After all the visitors had left, I strained to climb over to the windowsill to see the little shiitake again and to thank her for her encouragement.
Once upon a time, she was gone. The garden gardener had planted the rose field in that place long ago.
Tears blurred my eyes in an instant. Outside the window, I could no longer see… the nightmare was shattered like a bubble. I jumped up, traces of water still clinging to my pillow, forehead and cheeks. The feeling was so real that it was frightening!
Quietly, he repeatedly recalled the face of the beige girl in his dream. Her. It was her – that smile, that voice, that…
Remnant Moon, a girl that I have missed and remembered so far. …
Eight years ago. I had just finished my high school exams, so I traveled with my father to South Africa. In less than ten days, my father and son left the group and stayed at his best friend’s house.
I stayed for more than a month. With the excitement of going abroad for the first time and the freshness of the environment, I was very happy every day.
“Ren, it seems you like it here so much. Then why don’t you just stay here and study.” Dad suggested as he saw that I was on a roll.
Father’s orders are hard to disobey. Anyway, I hate the promotionist, duck-type education, so there are other skies in South Africa, aren’t there?
I nodded. Silently, I watched my dad take the plane back to Taiwan.
How much does a boy living in a foreign land and living under a roof have on his mind? I can’t help but feel homesick for my parents’ faces, the smell of food, and my friends from the old country. It’s been less than three weeks.
Homesickness so thick it can’t be melted forces me to be silent. Contemplation, widowhood, layers upon layers. No one understands me.
My father’s friends and family were kind to me. But, after all, they were outsiders, unable to share with me what was left of the light in the gray corner, much less break into a fragile heart.
I choose to be alone. It also identifies me. My days were spent switching between the classroom and the bedroom. I don’t talk to my classmates during class time, and when school is over, I go back to my private area and don’t leave my room. The ostrich mentality of avoidance.
Like this, aloofness and autism have long been synonymous with my personality. What am I thinking about? The only word that comes to mind is ‘melancholy’.
Everything is uncertainty in my eyes, too much uncertainty. And what can one lean on? Friends? Family? Myself? Or an unknowable God?
Fear. A deep fear. Lacking self-confidence, I would rather close the external channels and enter the world of the self alone. Where there is eternity and no suffering.
At the lowest of lows, the only savior is medicine, but not a dear friend.
Four years have passed, not a short time. I’m just now getting out of the grueling footsteps and starting to meet some of the people I’ve been seeing.
Later, due to financial and other considerations, the parents decided to move the family abroad.
It is not the United States, Canada, Australia and other countries that we often choose. Instead, it is far away on the other side of the world, where I studied, the golden country – South Africa.
At that time, the political and economic situation there was still unstable and volatile, so it was naturally a risky decision for Mom and Dad to make. However, with the persuasion and reassurance of their close friends, it was worth the expensive adventure to give their children a better place to study.
Sixteen hours of air travel. Does not include intermediate connections, transit time.
‘White supremacy’ is not as prevalent in South Africa as it used to be. When I first moved there, I was sometimes afraid that there would suddenly be ‘anti-minority’ Zulu leftist riots. At least the people I’ve met – black, white, or otherwise – have been very kind to yellow-skinned Asian immigrants and tourists.
I have a small social life. I don’t have many friends, and even fewer close friends that I can talk to. Moreover, when you are in a foreign land, you should be especially careful with your behavior, words and deeds. The South African Chinese community is small in number, but it is very united.
Therefore, most of the friends I have had dealings with are Chinese and black. The rest of my friends are almost exclusively those I met on the Internet.
I like to be alone, think, and secretly have peace and leisure. It is my nature and privilege to be a dreamer. My mood is still always gray and cheerful.
I often laugh at myself as an ‘open-ended autistic’ person. Laughing and joking with familiar friends, talking about anything and everything, no taboo; facing an unknown thing, the haunting fear, boredom will immediately coiled in the heart, can not find ways to jump out of it.
Running and hiding, my greatest Achilles heel, even if it is the love of my life. Love is hard to break through.
Unspeakable love, the most make people hurt. In that torment, waiting, but can not see the end. Speechless ending.
Who says big boys can’t be sentimental? My sadness, coming from a keen heart, often leads me into vicious circles that are difficult to extricate myself from.
She, and I, were complete victims. An irreparable mistake.
Surfing the Internet is probably the only time I can relax. Chat rooms and ICQ have become a daily necessity. It is a great gift to be able to sit at home with just a mouse and travel the world without going out, and to know the rest of the Internet community with their diverse personalities!
I was introduced to the huge ‘Love Talk Chat Room’ in March/April of that year by some of my close friends. There were old friends I knew well, great partners… and a great opportunity to meet new people.
Stumpy Moon, of which she was also a part. A new member.
It’s not just the way she expresses herself that captivates me, it’s the cute vibe, the innocence between the lines, the wholehearted inclusion of anyone who wants to make friends with her. No difference, really.
The girl always gets the center of attention. I had only been there a few days when I heard that someone was after her. Unwilling to ‘take someone’s favor’, I of course drew back, not daring to take the next step. Quietly and secretly, I wished her well. Good girls are usually not lonely.
Days flew by under the pressure of schoolwork without feeling it. Once I waited, more than half a year passed.
My November 1998. First Encounter.
One afternoon, bored, I once again returned to the ‘love story chat room’. The large virtual space was left with only one screen name lingering around.
It’s her. The long-lost maiden. I smile a rare smile.
The moon: Good night! In! It’s so quiet here! ~^_^
Hi, Jen! It’s late afternoon here! ^^
The Moon: Where do you live?
I live in South Africa and I’m a native. I also know how to dance! ^O^ [Moon]: Hee hee hee hee, are you serious or not? How can there be an African native who understands Chinese? That’s so cool.
Ah Ren: Haha, why would I lie to you? I moved to South Africa when I was in high school, and the time difference between here and Taiwan is six hours.
[Remaining moon]: Gosh, it’s so ~~ far ~~. ~_~
[Ah Yan]: Nowadays, with the advancement of aviation, it’s just a matter of taking an airplane to get there!
The Remnant Moon: You make it sound as if Taiwan is located right next door to Africa… Perhaps it is inevitable that strangers who meet on the Internet will start off with a similar exchange of pleasantries.
[Jen]: Do you always come on ICQ at this time?
The Moon: Yeah! I’m free this time of year.
[In]: Oh! Do you remember me? We used to talk to each other.
[Moon]: Huh? ～Let’s take an example.
I then made a joke about a white rabbit looking for its mom. Sure enough it brought back her memories.
The Moon: So it’s you! You’re really bad!
Ah Yan: I’m not bad, I’m the best!
The waning moon: Everyone has a precious treasure in their heart called ‘friendship’. It is God’s most precious gift to us. Friends bring us laughter, drive away sadness, and inspire us to move forward! They are always there for us to open our hearts and listen to what is on our minds. You have been my friend all my life!
Friendship? I’ll just do a complete and major rewrite and subversion.
[Arjun]: There is a precious treasure in everyone’s heart called ‘compassion’. It is God’s most precious gift to us. Sympathy brings us laughter, drives away sadness, and inspires us to move forward! They are always there for us to open our hearts and listen to what is on our minds. You, for a long time, have been the object of my sympathy!
[Moon]: Wow! You did that on purpose! That’s too much!
[Ren]: Hahaha!
I slowly learned from the side that the girl keeps cats and dogs at home. The recent developments in their lives are often a common topic of conversation. It is observed that people who love pets basically do not become ‘bad’.
As it should be. Pets are simpler than people, not scheming, and loyal without delusion.
Since she is not bad, she was born to be bullied by me. All girls, from the age of eight to eighty, are probably invincible to my ‘toad’s poisonous tongue’. This is of course the result of being trained by others, and I’m not proud of it at all.
My umbrella. Probing each other’s bottom line with jokes. In truth, I have great respect for women. I’ve been honing my skills in chat rooms for a long time, so I have to have a bit of ‘personal style’, right? Otherwise, who would pay attention to my mundane screen name?
Unrequited love seems to be the norm for me. It’s kind of a waste of luxury to like someone you can’t love, isn’t it? I had several experiences of the same type even before I officially dated Yu Yuetsu. Only a few days ago, as soon as I confessed and hinted, I was brutally rejected by the other person.
Plainly. The girl didn’t even think much about it.
[Moon]: Really? If you don’t like each other, you can’t force it.
Jen: But I’m not interested in her…
The waning moon: the love is not yet decided, that is withered; do not be sad, empty tears; falling flowers rain, the fate is renewed.
Take it easy! The next woman will be better!
In: That ‘she’ is good enough.
Uh~, Remnant Moon, what about you? Should you be next?
[Moon]: Oh? Is that so? How’s that?
[In]: I was the one who comforted her after the stupid me got rejected.
The Moon: Yo, I don’t see it. You’re still a new man! Hee hee ~ [Jen]: I posted my experience on the message board of the website I frequent, do you want to check it out? Give me some advice.
I tie the URL chain link. The girl’s ancient ways quietly tug at the heartstrings. Where the strings vibrate, clear notes echo in the ear.
The Moon: Okay, wait a minute! Don’t go away…
A few minutes of silence. I waited patiently. How should she react? The recollections of a first-timer.
The Moon: Well, I see. You have a lot of encouragement from your friends! It’s true what they say – after a heavy rain, if you’re willing to welcome the sunshine and look back, there’s always a chance you’ll see a rainbow.
This girl really knows how to soothe a fragile heart. My feelings for her have changed quantitatively. The warmth of her care, even in front of a cold screen, was like a gust of spring air.
Ah Ren: Most of the netizens live in Taiwan like you. They’re old friends.
The Moon: You’re back! We’ll be able to have a great gathering.
I don’t dare to go back! Because they have been bullied and victimized by me, and each of them is following the example of Juan Tran, who has been learning from his mistakes, and is trying to get justice and ‘revenge’ on me by all means. If I go home, I will be throwing myself into a net and asking for trouble.
[Remaining Moon]: Hee hee hee hee, it’s rare anyway!
[Ah Yan]: How hard can it be? I’m afraid I’ll walk in straight and carry me out sideways, with no place to die!
Moon: It’s okay! I’ll burn more incense for you and pay my respects to you ^O^ [Jen]: Really..! Okay, I’ve made up my mind! While I still have breath, I’ll give you a good beating~^^
The Moon: How dare you? Try putting an ‘ostrich’ over here!
Ah Yan: Ostriches are protected animals, they can’t be left unattended. Otherwise, I’ll put a big piggy on you. It’s environmentally friendly and economical.
The Moon: You’re really skinny! No wonder people can’t help you.
[In]: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
I thought that approaching her in a roundabout way by way of something like talking, laughing and fooling around would be a good place to start. Waryness is a big no-no in online dating. Two people laughing and starting a friendship seems a lot less laborious and clever than guessing what’s on each other’s minds.
Can you trust a person you don’t know? With a narrow social circle and faraway friends, I relied only on Internet chat and ICQ interaction to relieve my inner distress. I am often unable to let go of my emotions, and my worries are often caused by unknown reasons.
Sorrow for sorrow’s sake, sorrow before the world. I can’t learn ‘to be happy after the world is happy’ at all. Happiness, which is short-lived, is like an anesthetic with an indefinite time limit. It is difficult for me to grasp it.
Fantasy is not a sin. It provides me with a place of refuge, a paradise. Yes, Iamthekingofmyworld! I have wanted to let others secretly covertly disk a little corner of my heart. Inevitably, her seed was never willing to fall to the ground and germinate.
Remnant Moon She values practicality and is very different from me. Our personalities present a serious contrast.
It’s good to have a contrasting temperament, to be able to see in her the cowardly me, the brooding me, the sad me, the giggle-inducing me.
The girl is my mirror, what she has is what I lack. Cheerfulness can be disguised, but the trials of reality are enough to tear at my weak outer membrane. I appreciate her words, the speed of her typing, the sincerity of her heart, the lack of pretense.
[Broken Moon]: Jen, I’ve only been off work for 2-3 hours and I met you in the chat room, are you a 24/7 stand-by? Or do you work at 7-11?
Can’t you see that? I came all the way here to wait for you! I’ve come all the way here to wait for you!
The Moon: How can you call someone a dog? I’m not talking to you anymore! You’re just ‘insulting’ me the moment we meet!
Ahren: Yeah? You can’t take a hit like that, can you? How are your dogs and cats? They haven’t been abused by you, have they?
The Moon: I gave them a bath not long ago. I thought I could be a godmother to the kittens, but the kittens’ tummies have gotten smaller…
[Arin]: What a pity…, so let’s keep up the good work!
[Moon]: Yes! I’m feeding my cat something called ‘cat grass’ today.
Hey, what’s that? What’s that?
The Moon: When it eats it, it walks around like it’s drunk, so it’s fun to play! Cat grass is a stimulant. You can’t get it anywhere.
[Ren]: I thought I could get a cat to try.
[Remnant of the moon]: You ~thick~! Naughty child.
[Ah Yan]: Do you remember the nickname I gave you?
[Moon]: Don’t you call me ‘Red Mushroom’?
[In]: No, No, No~! ~_~
[Moon]: Has it changed? I don’t think so.
She is a small woman, and accidentally gave away her short red hair. She didn’t like the glaring red color, which could not be washed out or cleaned, so she had to listen to it fade on its own. She often complained to me, remorse, quite feel worthless.
[In]: Well then, I’ll ‘honor’ you by calling you a red-headed shiitake mushroom! Uh, that’s not very nice. Let’s change the official scientific name to ‘short shorter shiitake mushroom with a red crown’!
The girl immediately wowed and pouted.
Red-headed dwarf enoki mushrooms. My dream.
Chapter Five: Love, Unspeakable (II)-Swinging Between Love and Mourning
The moon is my most talkative friend in chat rooms and ICQ. I dragged her to break through the various sites, all around the footprints of the two of us. I can’t say whether it was fate or not. God’s hand may be arranging something?
She loved small animals – cats, dogs, turtles, two fish tanks; she enjoyed spending time with her family and having fun together; she loved to fight with me, but she was no match for me – she often called me bad. But she just wouldn’t leave me alone.
I realized that the girl and I have a lot in common: we both love the cool, gritty rock style of singer Wu Bai, we are extremely picky eaters, picking out the weirdest foods, we are afraid of loneliness, and we are even more afraid of noisy crowds.
“I don’t want to face loneliness. It is a cup of bitter, poisonous juice, concocted just for me. Even when I am in the crowded Taipei East District, my eyes still reflect only that monotonous figure.” Remnant Moon had a feeling, “Loneliness has its value when there are many people. Beyond the ethereal, it’s sometimes quite nice to let the solitude strip away the lackluster heart. I love this drink that I couldn’t find on the CafeMenu.”
I certainly agree, “Occasionally invite loneliness into your heart as a guest. Meditate, wash away the boredom of the day, or turn on the stereo to listen to your favorite music and think about what’s on your mind. It’s something I do every day!”
The girl laughed: “I’m not going to have a problem, am I? All day long a lot of sadness in the heart, but can not say why.”
“No! People who live in the metropolitan area have to put up with the noise all day long, and everyone wants to have a moment of peace and quiet.” I disagreed, “You’re under too much pressure at work, that’s why you’re imagining things!”
“People are the ones who can’t be quiet.” Remnant Moon continued typing, “To be honest, I had ‘melancholy’ ages ago. So, ‘sorrow’ has long been a part of my life, inseparable. It’s like a bright crescent moon in the sky that’s not yet full, I’d rather think of it as a ‘waning moon’ – an incomplete circle that’s always missing a corner.”
The naughty online personality of me resurfaced, “What are you talking about? If you want to compare autistic words, I can definitely win a landslide victory! When I’m in a bad mood, I can go for days without saying a word. Can you do that? Huh?”
She replied, “Even this kind of thing… you want to compete with me? I’ll give in! That’s why, if you’re on the Internet, you should be happy to make friends and share your joy with others, rather than selfishly passing on your grief to others.”
“Jen, articles like the one you wrote have great writing, but they always have gray, unhealthy overtones that can make people who read them suffer and be unhappy. Especially you, don’t let weird thoughts blow your mind.” It was rare to see a girl so bitter.
I gently show my teeth and smile, “Oh yeah? I’ll have to improve on that then.”
“Fantasy is not my food. My dreams, on the other hand, come from melancholy.” Remnant Moon spoke at length.
“My melancholy creates fantasies and forms my poetry.” I believe in the fountain of my creativity. It’s not a fleeting thrill.
Her sorrows are transformed into fantasies; my fantasies are the real sorrows. The girl shines her light as brightly as possible on the hidden corner of my heart, hoping that the first light of the waxing moon will give my life a sublimation that will never die.
How much love is there in love and sorrow? Laughter and tears, but the heart is no longer the same. A beautiful woman on a vermilion tower, an empty moon, a lonely shadow…
Every time I talk to the moon, I can’t get the passion back – a feeling that only she understands. Talking to her, my soul is swinging between networks. And she is a long and vivid ‘requiem’. The main theme is always close to my heart. I, for one, would like to be the note.
Gently jumping across the pentatonic scale. There is no termination of the movement.
Another seven or eight months passed. One day, she and I were chatting about how a certain recognized online couple had been dating. With reservations, I was suddenly confronted by the girl.
[Moon]: Yan, do you believe in love?
[In]: I want to believe it and I don’t want to believe it.
Remnant of the Moon]: Oh, you like to talk upside down and upside down. Tell me why, and I’ll be convinced if it makes sense.
Jen: I told you! Every time I confessed my love to a girl, it was either rejected or not followed up. Love is something that can only be created by two people. If there is love, it can’t be defeated by just a few words. Being rejected mercilessly is of course a shock, I’m used to it; however, if love is real, how come some people break up so easily?
[The waning moon]: By ‘real’, you don’t mean tangible or physical, do you?
[Jen]: When you are in love, everyone says ‘I love you’ as if it were a mantra. If you say it too much, your sense of value will be seriously diminished, or even just perfunctory. In love, all you can do is say but not do, only ask but not give, is this really love?
The Moon: Sweet words in love are not optional. I love it when guys whisper ‘love me’ in my ear all day long.
I personally feel that love is practiced and cherished, and is never created solely on bouquets, small jewelry, cards, clothes, money, and romance in the air. It’s only for a moment that someone pays you a lot of attention, but it’s only when you get along with them that you’ll know the depth of your love.
The Moon: That’s true. Then why do you doubt love?
[Ah Yan]: Those who break up too hastily do not know love; those who cling to each other cannot realize love; those who are possessive misinterpret love. Can I consider love to be real when it is operated by these three types of people? It is nothing but an extension of one’s ‘selfish desires’. Moreover, most modern people regard love as a McX-Roy’s burger that can be bought anywhere – who dares to believe in love when they themselves have first denied its greatness and sincerity?
[Remnant Moon]:Well, although I want to argue with you as a ‘skeptic’, I can’t find the words at this point!
[Ah Yan]: I believe that love is tolerance, is always caring, is everything sympathetic, is unintentional care, is not necessary to speak to understand her (his) heart. Though love cannot last forever, its traces are reflected in every minute and second of life.
The Moon: Okay, I’m not going to mess with you today, so I won’t let you bully me.
Ren: Just say you’ve lost! I’ll think about letting you off the hook.
The Moon: I didn’t say I’d surrender! Let me ask you again, how do you feel about online dating? Is it reliable?
[In]: Well, it’s not easy to say! It’s your turn to speak first.
Moon: My minimum is that I have to have met him at least once. I don’t know if he’s pointy, square, round, or flat, how can I let go of my heart to like him? Who knows what kind of heart is hidden in the body in front of the computer on the other side?
[Ren]: But it is possible for me to love someone I’ve never met before. For the sake of love, the price of sacrifice, I can let go of it in style and give her freedom.
The waning moon: If you’re in love, why talk about separation so lightly? It’s not easy to break up, but it’s even harder to fall in love.
The cycle of love is just disillusionment and growth over and over again.
She’s been in several relationships, but none of them have ever ended. The girl’s first love was a classmate in junior high school, and she had the courage to confess her admiration for him – and as a result, she became a third party, clinging to the inexplicable vanity of a precarious male.
The girl can’t stand the boy’s promiscuity, and she doesn’t want to be charged with destroying someone else’s relationship. She has no choice but to leave, and the pain in her heart can be imagined. The girl’s first love, which she values the most, is silently buried in lies and vows.
His angry eyes, her determined gaze, intertwined in the dusky summer sunlight of the school corridor. Tears, almost drowning the dykes of the waning moon’s paroxysm.
“Is that your decision?” He read word after word.
“Yes. We can’t go on…” the girl nodded her head, “Just be friends?
Otherwise, classmates are fine.”
The boy faded back, “It seems like you’re serious. Is there really no way I can get you back?”
The Moon shook its head: “If we go on, it will be three people who will be harmed… Are you willing to do that?”
He lowered his head and kept quiet. She understood.
“In that case, we’ll stop here.” The girl turned her body back around and, without a care in the world, moved forward.
The breeze blew gently and the cicadas rattled and hissed, disturbing the girl’s distant back.
The early waning moon doesn’t say goodbye. Never. Even if it’s covered in wounds.
Feelings are like a one-way tram. Even if the travelers who are chasing after love take the wrong train, sit on the wrong train, or get off at the wrong station, it is useless to regret. You can only hold up the broken ticket, pack up the lonely heart, ready to take the next train, start again.
It’s hard to have a great relationship with a bad mood. Bury it.
“So lo, he and I have remained friends up to the present time.” The girl spoke with great pride, “Though, I was very ungrateful to him at first; now, I am thankful to him, for he has taught me what is the ‘can give and take’ of love.”
I have no comment. That doesn’t mean I don’t agree with it – rather, I don’t have a position on it.
A six-year-long crush alone, I couldn’t open my mouth. Looking at that girl’s face, I was at a loss for words. She seemed to sense my intentions, always intentionally avoided me, rarely talk to me. Familiar strangers.
Finally, I had my chance. But I said a short sentence: “Congratulations.”
The girl is getting married. Foolishly, I can only wish, can’t catch happiness.
The moon and I are equally melancholic – she is like a ripe, introverted early summer apple; I am only worthy of being a green banana hanging high in the treetops, and the autumn rain drenches me to the bone day and night.
Both planting fajitas and complaining about fajitas.
Everyone’s immunity to the ‘storm’ of a breakup varies depending on their innate constitution. For me, I usually resist by sinking, getting depressed, and shutting down my mind, and I have to drag everyone around me into the doldrums as well.
What a tragic character to get rid of. After the curtain call, does Hamlet still have to believe in the unfortunate destiny that he carries on his shoulders?
Do I have to grow up with faults? Find answers in love?
I really appreciated the moon’s emotional openness and contentment. I tried to get close to the girl’s impressionable and considerate heart, and discussed with her my silent emotional world. More or less, each other to comfort the two rooms of the heart that are far away from each other.
That’s our intersection, the song of our hearts.
Gradually, I went online just for her. The moon is no longer a hard pronoun – it has the image, character, warmth, and belongs to a specific girl. She is irreplaceable; I dare not savor her.
I like her. Can a girl give me a love I want to believe in? I wasn’t sure. I felt nervous and powerless because of the hidden nature of my online relationship – even if we talked, it was only through texting. The rest was a non-starter.
So, what does that mean? I can’t help but assess the risks. Will this friendship be a smooth road? Or will it be a precipice? I…
Question. Where exactly is the truth of love? …
[Ah Yan]: I’m looking forward to the 1999 Mid-Autumn Festival!
The waning moon: it’s easy to have another Mid-Autumn Festival. Happy Mid-Autumn Festival! ^^
[Jen]: I haven’t spent the Mid-Autumn Festival in Taiwan for nine years! The moon in South Africa is not as beautiful as the one in Taiwan.
The moon is full in my hometown. You’re really not going back to Taiwan? Jen?
In: Of course I want to go back! But I have to wait for a long vacation! Around the middle of November?
What took you so long? Can you eat mooncakes and mundan over there?
Marco Polo: It’s not easy to get it. However, my mom makes American Dolls every year at this time of year! She even makes the filling herself! Marco Polo. – Marco Polo. – Marco Polo!
Your mom is really good! Just thinking about it makes me hungry!
In: But my mom would give them away to her friends and family, and never kept them at home!
The Moon: It’s a bestseller. Can I order a box first? Marco Polo: Yes, but you’ll have to eat it within 2 days! But it’s best to eat the yolk within two days. If you leave it too long, it’ll stink.
I’m not sure if I’ll be able to find a way to get my mom to do it again! But I love the yolk, but I hate touching the yolk! What should I do? What should I do?
Ah Yan: Strange, I like egg yolks. I’ll ask my mom to take out the yolk!
Mouthful of dwarf red shiitake mushrooms. ^O^
Marco Polo: I’m not sure if you’re going to be able to get away with this! You pick the yolk, I’ll take the, and we’ll split it in half! Is that fair?
Ah Ren: I’m glad you thought of me! It’s late, you should get some rest!
I exchanged goodbyes with the girls and went offline reluctantly. The word now people leave.
Marco Polo’s Margarita Margaritaville. An important memory for both of them. September 21st, in the wee hours of the morning. The most horrific earthquake to hit central Taiwan in half a century. In a matter of seconds, the ground shook in Nantou and Taichung, and even in Taipei, the residents were shocked!
Houses are collapsing, people are suffering, and the relief operation is proceeding without delay. For the next few days, I couldn’t connect to chat sites in Taiwan, nor could I make international phone calls, so I had to rely on the CNN news network in the United States to find out the current situation. I waited anxiously for news.
I wonder if my friends and relatives in Taiwan are safe and sound. How is Broken Moon? Was she scared by the earthquake? There are so many questions. Why did something like this happen in the first place?
As I watched the photos and news reports posted at the station, the pathos of life and death was repeated like a serialized drama in the disaster area. The record number of casualties was a pain in my heart, and I was even more worried about the safety of the moon, even if the situation in the north was a little better.
Taiwan’s power supply is limited in every region, causing the Internet to be cut off at times. I managed to get back to my usual chat room, and it just so happened that Broken Moon was there.
Ren: Are you okay? Moon. I heard about the earthquake in Taiwan and was sad and worried for days. It’s really good to see you!
Luckily, my home is in the north, so the damage is not as bad as in the center. But there are still houses collapsing and many people are missing and dead – in Taipei City and Xinzhuang. The current casualty count in Taiwan is 1,172, with more on the way.
[Ah Jin]: Ugh, it’s so tragic…! May the people of Taiwan be better off after the catastrophe. Uh, what were you doing during the earthquake?
The Moon: Me? I went to bed late that day, and I was going to take out the cat food to feed the cats. Then the power went out, and the room shook all of a sudden, and the cat and I were scared out of our wits! My cat and I were so scared, we forgot to run away! We forgot to run away. When the power went out, I suddenly remembered that I shouldn’t have stayed in the house, so I ran out the door.
In: You’re too slow! You have to make a decision right away! Hide at the table, under the bed, or run to an open flat area! There’s no time for you to be silly! It’s a matter of life and death. There’s no time for hesitation.
The Moon: I’ve never been in an earthquake of that magnitude before! The power is out, it’s dark, and I can’t see a thing. Besides, you weren’t there to protect me.
[Ah Yan]: I’m in South Africa! If I were Superman, I’d fly back to Taiwan to save you, Miss Louise.
The Moon: Hmph! It’s too late for that! It’s too late! Who’s seen a Superman who’s so skinny because he’s a picky eater?
[Ren]: Tsk! How ungrateful. Why don’t you pick up Kitty and run away together?
The Moon: At that time, it was so dark that people couldn’t see where the dogs and cats were! I was staying at a relative’s house, but they just ran out and forgot to call me. I was afraid that my cat would be crushed to death, but I couldn’t find it and was so anxious that I couldn’t do anything about it. In a panic, I had no choice but to leave my cat and dog behind and leave the house alone.
[Ren]: It was a close call. I’m glad you’re safe.
The Remnant Moon]: I regretted leaving my pets behind and running away alone. If anything had happened to them, they would have been very upset…
A girl who would put her life on the line to protect her favorite critters with all her heart.
Isn’t she a bit silly? I would say, pitifully silly.
I’ve wondered how we would have spent our time together waiting for help, if she and I had been trapped in a building that had collapsed in an earthquake. Her silliness would have given me hope to live on, and it would never have gone out.
Love is for fools. It makes couples blind, bewildered and unsure of everything. This is the iron law of the game of love – there are no eternal winners, only fools can have fun. Those who are too shrewd to measure love, to calculate love, to calculate the return on investment, miss the possibility of meeting love at first sight.
A fool embraces love and acts on it physically; not so much as a ‘moth to the flame’, but in the spirit of dedication of the ‘silk worm until it dies, the wax torch turns to ashes and the tears begin to dry up’. I would like to be a happy fool, do not want to be a clever man who calculates everything.
Appreciate the stupidity of the waning moon. I am indeed unapologetically stupid.
The beauty of distance gives me a thin veil to view girls. Unspecified love always secretly unveils my unnoticed guard. I was actually a guarded fool.
How much does Brooke really like me? The rules of the game of love are cold. I dare not ask. The bespectacled fool with a bit of reserve, helplessness. Sadness.
Lack of self-confidence has always made me depressed, and the supportive force of foolishness often becomes back-burnered.
Online dating has somehow given me the confidence to arm myself with imaginary fairy tales. What am I left with after all the barriers to my true identity have been removed? What kind of face do I have to put on to be honest with the girl I like?
She, likewise, confuses me intensely. Remnant Moon and I are so similar and so different. Happily, she can relate to my grief; sadly, I can’t fully accept ‘online dating’
The Facts.
Internet dating, after all, is too vain. Deeply afraid of not being able to grasp. Guess the heart, more difficult.
However, I am eager to see the girl, whether in a chat room or ICQ. having her makes me smile. When I don’t have time to surf the net, I try to keep in touch with her through e-mail.
Don’t break the strings of your emotional kite. Even if it flies too high, is too far away, and the sky is filled with thunder and lightning, I still desperately hold on to the long, thin string and look up at the small black dot in the sky. I hope with all my heart that the moon will see my heart.
When the contract to meet her was accidentally broken, my fear was palpable. I quickly sent a letter apologizing for my mistake.
”Sister Moon.
I’m sorry! I picked up my friend from his house today and stayed there to chat. I lost track of time as I chatted, and my friend pestered me, so when I got home and came back online you were no longer on ICQ. @@
I once asked myself not to let you find it again, I am too bad! I can’t even keep this little promise, and this is the second time I’ve let you go offline in disappointment. ~_~ I hate myself for not being punctual and letting you go offline in frustration. I have long been accustomed to chatting with you every day─your presence fills my gray area, full and full. I’m so attached to you, maybe I’m too greedy, right?
You come up on time every day and I don’t know how to appreciate it. Am I being extravagant? Maybe I belong in the corner? I’m really sorry…
Remember to take good care of your health!
Ah In’
The next day, the girl responded with a lovely e-mail.
‘Little fool.
I’m not upset! Don’t beat yourself up!
At least you remembered to write me ee, it’s good to know you’re not exhausted! Oh, you don’t belong in the corner! If you were in the corner, I’d be happy to stay with you! It’s good to have company when you’re alone! I like to stick to you anyway!
But it’s nice to see your friends sticking to you. It’s good to have more friends! Remember that! Promise me you’ll share your good mood with others! ～^^
may you enjoy good health
The waning moon that rises in the middle of the night to collect the mail.’
After reading the letter, I smiled with relief. What Broken Moon felt was an indicator of my emotions – her happiness was my dream, and her cheerfulness was my relief. The rest is nothing, right?
As October rolled around, it was getting closer and closer to the time I was scheduled to return to Taiwan. Our conversation began to center around the top.
Ahren: It’s so fast! October will be here in no time. In two or three weeks, I’ll be back in Taiwan!
The Moon: Yeah! Hee hee, I finally get to meet you, you little fool! I’m so happy!
[In]: Ah! Oh, no! I forgot to bring you the gift I promised you last time! Remind me not to let your interest fall asleep. What do you like?
Marco Polo: I’m not sure if you’ll be able to find it, but I’m sure you’ll be able to find it! You owe someone a box of Marilyn’s mom’s Dolls.
In: I’ve memorized it! Do you have any more?
[Moon]: People love to shop at the lingerie counter in department stores and take their time to pick out a good piece of intimate apparel, which is a sign of a girl’s inner beauty.
In: Wow! How can I give you this?
I know. You’re going to be very embarrassed. It’s up to you.
[Ren]: I’ll go to the flea market and pick out some trinkets for you.
[Moon]: Uh-huh! I’ll be waiting for you! By the way, I’ve been learning how to tie a ponytail. I was always making a mess of my hair, but I’ve changed a few hair bands and it’s a little easier.
I’ll tie it for you. What do you think of the two twisted braids?
The Moon: No way! It’s ugly!
Ah Ren: That’s right! Red mushrooms with two antennae on their heads are weird.
The Moon: I hate it, you’re bullying me again! I’m going to practice on my own, and when you come back, I’ll show you how it’s done.
[Ren]: Yes, I’ll wait for the results.
The moon is gone: it’s a deal!
Our engagement. November. …
Chapter Five: Love, Unspeakable (III)-Swinging Between Love and Mourning
A few days before we left, Remnant Moon and I met in the ‘Love Talk’ chat room and started discussing matters related to meeting up for a ‘date’ in the future.
The Moon: I’ve got it! When I’m on vacation, let’s go to Keelung Temple Front for snacks! Not only are the snacks there famous, but I know Keelung very well!
I’ve never been to the temple, so I’ll have to rely on you to show me the way!
[Moon]: Then we walked around and had coffee, then took a bus back to Taipei and ate and drank all the way back.
In: If you keep eating like this, you’ll get fat! Aren’t you worried?
The Moon: Hee hee, you’re helping me eat! You’re too skinny and picky, so I have to find a way to make you stronger.
Jen: You’re really thinking of me… I’m touched,” he said.
The Moon: Of course! By the way, how do I recognize you?
[In]: You mean me? I often wear a plaid shirt or casual top, a pair of suit pants, and metal-rimmed glasses. I’m not hard to recognize. I’m just afraid you’ll be scared off by my ugly face!
[Moon]: I wear jeans, long hair, and glasses.
You think I’m that easily intimidated? Wouldn’t it be better if I took off my glasses? You can’t see anything clearly and everything is beautiful.
In: You still have red hair, don’t you? Aren’t you going to tie it in a ponytail?
[Moon]: It depends on the mood at the time. I don’t think I’ll tie it. Besides, even though the hair color is lighter, it’s still recognizable.
Jen: I won’t be able to go online with you when I go back to Taiwan, so remember to miss me… [Woman’s Moon]: Yes, I will! Come on, give me a kiss on the cheek… I don’t want it! You’ve been tricked! Haha!
You, oh, you! You’re bullying me now?
The Moon: It’s okay if you don’t go online, but you must call me!
[In]: Yes! I will.
Now that you’ve decided, you can’t go back on your decision. There are too many things you can’t go back on. Especially in love, when you look back, you don’t have to be teary-eyed, but the feeling has changed – even the most delicious dish will not have the same taste and aroma when it is re-cooked; not to mention the love that needs to be carefully managed for a long time.
Splitting up may be the rule of a relationship that is often carried out between a man and a woman. To call it a rule is a bit of a stretch. Love is a good subjective emotion. I think that even if someone forces me at gunpoint to love what I don’t love, I’d rather die. If there was a reason, a rule for true love, who would be willing to suffer for it?
‘What is love in this world? It is the promise of life and death!’ How many sincere sons and daughters have been saved by these famous words? How many loving couples have been forced to be separated from each other forever?
Disturbed and confused. How should I face my favorite girl ‘Broken Moon’? What kind of me does she want to see?
November 21st. I summoned up the utmost courage to return to my hometown with my family on a connecting flight.
A full sixteen hours of travel.
The jet lag made me groggy, trying to stay awake I still looked out of the cabin at the infinite sea of clouds, memories of the year with the girl surfaced in my mind. Would she hate the real me? Or would she only be able to talk comfortably with the online version of me? And what was the real her really like? Closing my eyes, I was too tired to think further. I felt my consciousness blurring, so I left the questions to the person who woke up. The other me.
When I got off the plane, while my father went to the parking lot to get the car, I hurried to the pay phone and dialed the number – the first thing I did was to call the Moon to tell her I was safe.
“Hello? Is this Ms. Broken Moon, please?” Someone picked up. My heart burst with joy.
Cold female voice: “Yes, I am. Who are you?”
“I’m Jen, the one who always chats with you on the internet! I’m back in Taiwan!” I answered happily, looking around for fear that my parents would find me. I’m not sure if I’m a thief.
In an inaudible tone of voice, I said, “Oh, it’s you! It’s you. I’m busy, can you call me later?” There was no excitement, but rather a surprising indifference.
I didn’t notice the girl’s unusual reaction: “Then, as we agreed, we will meet at the Eslite Bookstore in Banqiao at 3:00pm tomorrow, and I will bring the Marlins with me. I’ll be there with my marbles. I’ll be there with Marco Polo.
“Eh. That should work then, right? That’s all for now. Bye~!” Our first voice contact ended hastily.
Back in Taipei, my family stayed at my grandmother’s house. After settling in, I was busy making plans and scheduling trips, hoping to make a good ‘first impression’ on her.
I arrived at the Sincere Bookstore half an hour early in the late afternoon of the following day in order to be punctual. I didn’t want to miss her.
Standing in the doorway, carrying a cardboard box, I looked around at the waves of pedestrians coming and going. Without her, I couldn’t find the conspicuous red color. At three o’clock, I still waited with confidence and great patience; at ten minutes past three, I began to worry about the waning moon.
‘Was it a traffic jam? Or did she have an accident on the road? Or did she have an emergency?’ Pacing back and forth and fretting was not going to help. I picked up her phone number to see where the girl was.
When I called, all I got was: “Sorry, there is no answer at this time. This is the personal voicemail of ‘Remnant Moon’, please leave a message after the beep…”
I wasn’t used to muttering to myself into a cold machine like a madman, so I just cut the communication off, ‘Could it be that she’s not near her phone?’ Thinking as hard as I could and making excuses for the girl. Luckily she was safe.
Every five minutes I redial the cell phone door number, tried six times in a row, all into the voice system response. Do not hear the Irena, the letter is nowhere to be seen. Silly waiting for my heart is a blank. The last time, I couldn’t help but report my home phone number, hoping that she would have time to call back.
The girl really stood me up. Picking up the cheerless box of Dolls, I slowly walked away from the bookstore. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to make it, but I’m sure I’ll be able to make it. The only thing that remains is that it has not abandoned me, remembered me,” he said.
Is this the dark side of the net? She lied to me? I don’t want to understand. I can only believe that she ‘happened’ to forget about my meeting. It’s not easy to hypnotize and reassure myself.
I asked my mother to give them to other friends and relatives. The Marco Polo team is a great group of people who are very happy to be here.
After almost three days, I didn’t hear from her and couldn’t help but give up. I can only blame myself for being too trusting and too committed to keeping my word, and not thinking at all about taking the initiative.
That afternoon, I was sitting in the living room watching an HBO movie. I was in the middle of the climax when the phone rang loudly. Damn, it interrupted me from watching TV.
“Hello~?” I asked, “Who’s calling, please?”
“Uh~, is In there please?” A timid girl’s voice came from my ear.
Huh? Seem to have heard of it before? “I am. And you are…?” I wondered.
“Oops? Can’t you tell it’s me? It’s Remnant Moon!” She was in a hurry to explain.
Finally, it was time! I said with a sense of relief, “My red mushroom lady! What took you so long to call? I’ve been waiting for you to call!” My tone became high-pitched and excited.
“What? How dare you talk about me? Let me ask you, did you leave a message on my voicemail last time, asking me to call you back?” Remnant Moon justifiably returned, “As a result, you told me everything but your real name.”
I was stunned for a moment, “Oh? No way?” There was enough confusion. Immediately giggle a few times.
“I had to try calling your house. The first time, your dad answered; the second time, it seemed like your mom answered – you didn’t get it. I couldn’t just ask, ‘Is Mr. Jen there?
‘ It’s a wonder you don’t look like a psycho to your family! I had to call every other day. Count me lucky and blessed today, or I would never find your people in my life.” The girl said that I was speechless. The only thing I could do was to say sorry frequently.
“It’s my turn to ask you. Didn’t I make an appointment with you to meet at the boardwalk? Why didn’t you go?
“With a caring attitude, I ask distrustful questions.
The Moon said with difficulty, “It’s not because I’m in the company to catch up with a case, the boss asked me to work overtime temporarily, and I must finish the written information within the time limit. I finished it, but it was already 4:30 in the afternoon, so it was too late; I wanted to find you, but I didn’t have your cell phone number. Until I heard your message, I didn’t realize that you were afraid that something had happened to me, and you had already called several times, and I wasn’t in my seat.
In, I feel so bad…”
“That’s okay.” I tried to mitigate her apology, “I was very happy to get your call.”
“Where’s my American Doll?” she said with a mischievous smile. The girl smiled mischievously and said, “You didn’t break your promise, did you?”
I played equally dumb, “Have you? The egg is in the hen’s belly, not yet laid!”
“Woah~! Whatever, I want you to hatch the eggs!” Remnant Moon laughed happily.
“No kidding. I’d already stopped by the last time I went to the boardwalk and brought a big box with me. I stood alone at the entrance to the bookstore, like a little nerd. But when you didn’t show up after waiting for half a day, I had to take it all! What a shame to let it go bad!” I returned the girl’s naughty greeting.
She lamented, “Alas~, let’s call it a punishment for my failure to fulfill my promise! I didn’t have the pleasure of eating your mother’s good cooking.”
“So~, are you free tomorrow?” Striking while the iron is hot, I offer a second invitation, “Can’t keep me dry anymore!”
The Moon is pouting, “No way! I’ve been working overtime a lot lately, and I’m exhausted! Now I just want to get a good night’s sleep. Give me a break!”
“Okay~, okay~!” I can’t force myself, “I’ll ask you out officially after a while when you’re less busy.”
Then we started chatting as if we were in a chat room… I hope I’m just being paranoid. How different was she online and offline? She was a mystery. No hints.
After that, after three days, we fixed times to talk, often consuming four hours. The arms were not sore, because the heart was sweet. Her laughter always gives me the strength to go on at the right time, and no one can afford to say Good-Bye first. endless words, we have to make up for the time we don’t talk to each other on ICQ.
She and I never had enough phone time. The company of her voice in my dreams is far more intimate and flavorful than the square glyphs on a computer screen to speculate about a her. My gray heart gradually heats up, radiating a faint fiery red.
“Every time I tried to ask you out, you cried out that you were tired; but you were so energized when you talked on the phone. You’re ~good~ god~.” I said smiling into the microphone.
The girl thought for a moment, “I’m too tired to move! I just want to move my mouth and tongue. Can’t I do that?” Counterattack Lo.
“Hey~? You’re really something. How dare I say anything? I just don’t know when I’ll be able to invite you, the ‘Old Buddha’, to play with me.”
The roguish Moon is next: “I’m the ‘Old Buddha’? Then you are ‘Little Jenzi’.
! I ~say~ O little Renzi, why don’t you crawl over and serve the Empress Dowager?”
“How did you get the better of me? I’ve become a eunuch?” I can’t believe I’m at a big disadvantage!
I am not willing to show weakness, immediately returned a paragraph: “Chatter! I report to the Empress Dowager – the night is late and the dew is heavy, please change clothes and go to bed early. Please be careful that your rheumatism doesn’t flare up and that your eight-foot tongue doesn’t snap. Older people should pay more attention to their health…”
The girl let out a cry, “Ugh~yah~! Your mouth is so bad!” There was nothing to be done.
“If you don’t come out to meet me, I’ll have to let you ‘hear the voice and see the person’ – to save you from unrequited love.” In fact, I wanted to see her real face.
The girl laughed and said, “Who has lovesickness? Nonsense! It’s you, isn’t it? Hmph!”
This time making the ‘agitation’ fails. Remnant! Next time.
A week of no progress and still no appointment with her. I must not give up in the nick of time.
Nine o’clock in the morning. The phone is ringing again, and it’s definitely from the moon, who’s been working the night shift. I ran and rolled to the phone to intercept the call, fearing that someone would try to steal it from me.
“Hello~? In? It’s me…” I could hear her trembling voice.
I frowned, “Remnant Moon, what’s wrong with you? Are you not feeling well? Is everything alright?” Followed by nervousness.
“On my way home from work early this morning, I witnessed a serious car accident with a horrific scene. When I close my eyes, I can’t sleep with that bloody scene in my mind! I had to call you…” The girl was still in shock.
I felt sorry for her. Without thinking, I said, “Let’s do it this way. Instead of staying alone in your room and not knowing what to do, why don’t you just go out and I’ll take a walk with you and help you get stronger?”
“Uh… that’s right!” Panicked, she couldn’t come up with an idea for a moment, “Where would be a good place for us to meet?”
I rubbed the tip of my nose, “Let’s make a date at Keelung Temple Pass! I’ll treat you to some delicious fishball soup and dingbian to calm you down!” I hope it works.
“Haha! It’s all about what people love to eat yeah!” She finally laughed. “Thanks~ Thanks~!”
“I’ll see you in Keelung at eleven.” I booked the time.
She comes with a condition: “Anyone who’s late stays and does the dishes for free!”
Hanging up the phone, I ran back to my room and changed quickly. I walked out of the room and leaned over the phone for a while. I was in a state of total mental ‘arousal’ and needed some time to calm down.
“Ren, what’s up? See you smiling so happily?” Mom looked at me who seldom smiled, “Did you win the uniform invoice?”
“What’s that count for? Mom~. I’m going on a ‘date’ with a girl.” Admittedly, I’m still jittery.
I waved goodbye to my mom and rushed out the door. As I stepped onto the bus, I leaned back in my seat and gasped – it was like I was in a dream. Was this real or not?
If wandering is a dream, I don’t want to wake up. If there is a dream of love, let it follow me closely.
My anticipation was written all over the car window. The scenery outside the car is receding too slowly. I wish I had wings to fly up to the clear sky and embrace my love.
”Remnant Moon, will you tell me what you think? I don’t understand a girl’s thoughts, just as a quiet blue can never be toned into a fiery red. Our colors are different, yet we find common zones in the graded color segments at the junction.’ My love color science.
Like a comet, I traveled around in your orbit. Your gravity keeps me from being derailed; my fidelity gives you pleasure, joy. Even though the cycle is nearly seventy-six years.
Would you wait? Wait for a love message from a celestial body?
Keelung, flowing with the salty flavor of the sea. I got off the bus with a coin, and sprinted forward with the same determination I used in the Olympic 100-meter race. Pedestrians on the road shied away when they saw me, and they could probably tell that the anxiety on my face was extremely high, so they all made way for me.
I think the love ambulance has the highest right of way, doesn’t it? Excuse me! Excuse me!
It’s a five-minute ride. It took me two minutes. Emergency brake! Start looking around. -Where’s the moon? Is he here?
Not far away was a girl – a small sparrow-like figure with a shy, energetic look that instantly caught my eye. Since it was a bit chilly, she had a big sweater wrapped around her top, and a pair of baggy vintage Bobson jeans at the bottom. It was like a gypsy girl out on the town!
I, on the other hand, wore a thin jacket and a short-sleeved top. Having lived in South Africa for a long time, it’s natural to feel hot and cold differently.
‘Wow, it’s her, isn’t it? She’s so small…’ The girl’s face was doll-like again. She felt even younger.
It’s okay. I’m not afraid of being compared to a baby face.
As I approached, I could see the food stalls that had just opened in front of me. I looked back at her, and the girl noticed me and smiled at me gently.
“It’s you right! You’re the one who specializes in bullying me, Ah Ren Oh?” Remnant Moon looked up and down, left and right.
“Right answer! You’re the red shiitake who loves to be bullied by me, aren’t you?” I immediately looked back and looked at her several times as well. Redhead Annie’s registered trademark, can’t be wrong.
She nodded, “Checked out. You have great skin yay! Isn’t it hot in South Africa? How come your face is so white? I can’t believe you haven’t gotten a tan.”
“Just kidding, everyone thinks so! I don’t use ‘Ole’ on my face! I put ostrich eggs directly on my face – it’s a beauty product!” I said proudly. And then, with a silly grin on my face.
The pretty moon smiled and said, “What a luxurious maintenance secret! I have to learn it.
Go back and check online – are they sold in Taiwan?”
“Have you had breakfast?” Looking at her with a ‘vegetable’ look on her face.
The girl shook her head, “I haven’t eaten since work, I’m so hungry! Eat a little with me!”
“This meal is on me.” I was very insistent.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea to break your bank, is it?” The girl blinked her eyes, “It’s only the first time we’ve met~”
“It’s okay, it’s a small fortune! Next time it’s on you.”
She did not say more, and led me directly into the temple mouth snack area, cooking smoke, the smell curls, people eat finger. Taiwan’s snacks are world-famous, and it’s true.
After a short while, the moon suddenly glowed: “I found it, Ah Yan – I like to eat ‘white fungus and red bean flour round soup’!”
“Boss! One bowl of red bean vermicelli soup for one person!” I pulled over two benches and invited her to be seated.
As we ate, we watched her swallow the powdered doughnut in one showy bite. We smiled at each other without realizing it, and the atmosphere seemed a bit awkward. I can’t believe I can’t find a topic of conversation!
When the girl saw that I did not speak, she was also embarrassed to speak. The only thing that is left is to look at each other with four eyes and two eyes, and not to say anything. This is not a good sign.
After paying the bill and relaxing a bit, I asked the moon for her opinion: “Where would you like to go next?”
“As per the booking plan, we’ll just take the bus back to Taipei Station. There’ll be quite a few places to wander.” She smiled a slightly stiff, put-on smile.
It’s as if Remnant Moon sensed something was wrong with me. She shouldn’t think I’m defending her from something, right? I’m merely nervous and cautious.
We caught bus number 307 and headed back to Taipei. I shared a double seat with her. However, the distance between us was at least 30 centimeters! I didn’t dare to sit close to her. I don’t know if it’s right or wrong to be a ‘gentleman’ at a time like this.
The girl’s gaze drifted sweeping over to me in disbelief; I responded to her wordlessly with my usual smile. Stumpy Moon shrugged her shoulders, not caring again.
As the bus got more and more crowded, we had to make small talk, not being too ‘flashy’ to avoid attracting people’s attention. When there is traffic congestion, it’s hard to get around in the Greater Taipei area. I’m not used to it, but she enjoys it.
The bus finally arrived at Taipei Station. As soon as I jumped off the bus, I looked up and saw the Shin Kong Mitsukoshi skyscraper piercing the sky like a long sword. I’ve been abroad for years, but I’ve never been inside.
Remnant Moon pointed to the building, “There’s the Huan Ya Department Store and the Shin Kong Mitsukoshi Department Store in there, do you want to go over there and take a look?” She loves shopping, how could she allow herself to pass the treasure mountain without entering?
We were standing near the main entrance of the department store – wouldn’t it be a shame for the girl if we didn’t go in? So, I face her with a slight bow, my left hand stretched out flat and my fingers straight.
“Please~! You go first!” Miss first is my principle.
She smiled faintly, “Bow down!” Footsteps quickened, fighting spirit rose. The characteristic female tenacity for shopping was on display.
I walked with the moon through the specialty shops on each floor. I kept a polite distance and talked to her about the prices and features of the products. When I came to the feminine products section, which was the most interesting to Yue, I was not only hot, but also in a cold sweat, as I couldn’t help but be tongue-tied, incoherent and embarrassed.
The girl looked at me, “Ren, you’re acting weird~.” It’s strange for a big boy like me to act normal when he’s hanging out between the women’s lingerie counters.
She picks a few random places to look at and rushes to end the ‘lingerie tour’. I can finally let go of some of my seven feelings.
Climbing up the escalator, the remnant of the moon turned to tell me: “I tell you oh! If you air out all your personal clothes, it will be as wonderful as flying the flag of nations!”
I was so dumbfounded I was speechless. Still giggling.
Passing by the bookstore’s floor, I quickly went to buy a copy of the ‘Great Taipei Bus Map’, just in case – it’s a life-saving elixir for me, who is known to be a ‘roadie’.
Stepping out the door of Shin Kong Mitsukoshi, neither of us wanted to go back that early, so we discussed where to go from there. Dating can be dominated by more than just the guy.
“By the way, Stumpy Moon. How should I get to Ximending?”
“Yan, you’ve never been there? Sure, a walk to the Westgate hiking area would be nice!” She agrees with my suggestion.
The girl led the way, and Stumpy Moon was used to walking against my left. I purposely went around to her left, and to my surprise, she cut back to my left.
“Why do you always walk on my left?” I asked her in wonder.
“I like that.” She said simply, “No special reason needed.”
Ximending had arrived. As soon as she saw the cross-green neon sign of ‘Watson’s’, she immediately took off at a fast pace. I wasn’t sure what she was going to do, but I could only see her sitting down quickly on the bench in front of the door, pulling out the Marlboro light cigarettes in her small backpack, lighting them up, and gulping down the smoke.
As it turns out, the girl had a smoking problem. She knew I was sensitive to the smell of smoke, so she resisted the temptation until she found a place where she could smoke without fear. I’m sorry for her.
I sat next to her, of course only able to space out a large distance. An MTV was playing on the TV wall, which seemed to be a love story. At the end of the song, the male protagonist kissed the female protagonist deeply. Remnant Moon and I looked at each other, feeling odd again.
Ximending is a place where all kinds of sub-cultures in Taipei City meet, and all you can see is people – poor Taipei people have nowhere else to go on weekdays, so they all come here to be crowded. The girls were hanging out at the boutique clothing stores with new releases, small jewelry, the popular ‘big head sticker’ booths, and even pulled me in to watch the impromptu performances of the street performers.
Wherever a girl’s attention and consumer investment is attracted is their paradise; the opposite is the hell of their male counterparts.
The waning moon was tired of walking. We found a bubble tea store, the clerk brought me and the girl to the smoking area on the third floor. As soon as we were seated, the pungent odor of cigarette smoke penetrated our nostrils, and I silently endured it in order to keep her company.
Fingers kept rubbing the tip of the itchy nose, which soon rivaled a clown in a circus.
I ordered black tea and she chose Blue Mountain coffee. I notice that she is wearing rings on both hands! What does that symbolize? It’s hard to ask her explicitly. The question is left unanswered.
It was hard to stay up until Remnant Moon finished her two cups of coffee, and I immediately rushed out of the front of the store after paying the bill, breathing in the ‘fresh’ air of the outside world. When the girl saw this, she just shook her head and didn’t say much.
We walked side by side in one piece.
It was evening. The temperature is a little lower than during the day, and the girl’s torso shrinks a little.
“Ren, I’m a little cold~” she said sweetly in her big sweater.
I held out my left hand, “You put your hand on my palm and I’ll feel it.”
Remnant Moon hesitated for a moment before covering her small hand with it.
Indeed, the coldness coming from her palms made my heart ache. Without saying a word and letting go of my hand, I took off the jacket I was wearing and draped it over her.
“Thanks!” Broken Moon looked at me with only a short-sleeved shirt to protect me from the cold and asked strangely, “Aren’t you cold like this?”
The passersby around me were either covered in jackets or had a large scarf wrapped around them. They were giving me a lot of attention for my ‘bravery’.
I smiled: “It won’t be cold. Seeing you warm up warms my heart. Ah! Aren’t you still on duty at night? Are you hungry? Don’t upset your stomach! Do you want something to eat?” After walking all afternoon, I was hungry.
“I’m not hungry. We should go back.” She shook her head firmly and forged ahead.
As we walked out of Hankow Street, a work-study salesman came to sell products. Seeing this scene, the girl first grabbed me by the sleeve of my left hand; the next step was to hide behind me, climbed tightly on my shoulders, and played the game of ‘eagle catching chickens’ – as if she was very afraid of that person.
I didn’t realize that she was asking me to protect her, to hold her hand, or to hug her. I had to do everything I could to get rid of the salesman who didn’t know what he was doing, and it took a lot of talking to get rid of him. It was a lot.
When I got to the footbridge. Moon was clinging to me, “Ah Yan, I’m afraid of heights! What should we do?”
“Then… just walk in the center and don’t look down.” I didn’t realize that the girl was implying that I should walk with her.
She pouted her little lips and didn’t say much. One walked helplessly in the center of the land bridge.
We arrived at the bus stop and got on the bus without any problems. In the car, the remnant of the moon said: “You do not have to send me home, Ah Yan. Once you arrive at your home, get off the bus first.”
I got off the bus, waved goodbye to the girl, and ran into a nearby bakery to buy some bread. Walking back, I realized that the bus was still stuck on the road, so I stopped by to see her on the bus and to say hello again.
Wolnie should have noticed me. However, her eyes were so empty, so cold, so… indescribable. Walking past her line of sight, I lost my smile. …
The next day, as usual, the girl chatted with me until it was almost time to go to work, when she hung up the phone. I was still thinking about her when another call came in.
As soon as I picked up the microphone, I really understood the meaning of the idiom ‘clear as day’.
The man’s low voice: “Your name is Yan, right?”
Inexplicably, I replied, “I am. Who are you?”
“I am the ‘husband’ of Ms. Ruyue…” he said succinctly and forcefully.
“What? You’re her husband~?” I was so shocked that I couldn’t tell how the truth was.
The man continued: “My wife goes online purely to find friends. I advise you not to get too obsessed with her. After all, she’s a married woman. …”
As my mind raced, a number of scenes intertwined and jumped before my eyes – the girl’s smiling face, her straightforwardness, her spontaneity…. Finally, the image settled on the ring she was wearing. Could that be a wedding ring?
“I’m sorry…, I’m busy with something else.” Not wanting to tangle with the man any longer, I hurriedly put the microphone back.
D…husband…? Is this a TV program on ‘Red Envelope’? Or is this some kind of low-quality romantic soap opera?
I can’t accept the truth. It wasn’t true! For ten days in a row, I lost my mind and didn’t want to do anything – all I could do was to stare at the world or wander aimlessly in the streets of Taipei. I was hollowed out and drained, with only a trace of breath and an empty shell – I didn’t even want to touch the remote control button of the TV.
I wake up night after night, insomnia, dreams are all the residual moon last left me that expressionless iceberg face. She, in the end, what kind of girl? Could it be that she has long been ‘married to Luo Shi’?
Can no longer suppress the idea of wanting to ask for an understanding, I borrowed a computer from a friend, and went directly online to the chat room where the remnant of the moon is often found. It just so happened that she was online.
It’s you, isn’t it? What can I do for you?
The girl should have learned about her ‘husband’ approaching me.
[Jen]: I want to ask you, I remember you had a ring on your hand the last time we met. Are you married?
The Moon: What do you think?
[In]: I’m stupid, I can’t guess!
[Broken Moon]: If I say I’m still single, do you believe me?
In: Of course I believe it!
I didn’t dare to nag any more, with a million unanswered questions in my mind. The two of us didn’t chat for a few words before I hurriedly left offline.
Two days before Christmas last year. I made a special trip to the public phone booth outside the house to call her.
I thought that Ruyue would be happy, but I didn’t…
“I’m tired and want to go to sleep. Don’t disturb me anymore okay~?” The girl’s lethargic, indifferent few short words all but rejected my piece of sincerity.
Walking away from the phone booth, I broke down. Melancholy and self-loathing came over me in more ways than one, and my whole body trembled with how I couldn’t cry. A man’s tears are worthless.
I hate! Hate myself for not wanting to trust each other? I hate myself for not showing my love for her in moderation. I hate myself for being so ignorant of the moon’s feelings.
Hate, even if you have a lot of anger, it won’t help. Doesn’t it?
Once again, I wandered down the sidewalk. The heart, not in the mind. …
After my flight back to South Africa, I have been trying to contact Broken Moon by email and ICQ.
She, the message was lost, as if her body had evaporated.
Later, I happened to have seen her moniker on some website. I couldn’t find the courage to speak to the girl. The moon went offline shortly afterward, and since then, I haven’t been able to touch her again.
Before the Lunar New Year this year, I sent her an e-card from the Chima website with the realization that I had lost my love. Although I received an email back saying ‘the recipient has read the card’, the moon still did not reply with a single word.
It seemed that I was no longer qualified to be her friend. With the support and encouragement of several online friends, I was able to get back on my feet and deal with my relationship in a more mature manner.
Yes. I grow in hurt and seek true love within the false image of the mirror of memories.
How can I ask for God-given mercy? That is my path, a path of no return.
Red shiitake mushrooms, she’s not part of my dream.
I had a dream. Dreams, indeed, are still dreams.
A game a dream. …
End of Chapter 5