Women, they’re all clean.

preamble

First of all I have to admit that I am a dirty man, and this dirty means sexually dirty, dirty in a way that is outside the realm of what current morals allow, because after all, I have been to those places and I have had those kinds of women. So men who have never been to those places and haven’t looked for those kinds of women, and women who have only ever intended to sleep with one man in their lives, can curse me, and chastise the kind of women they have precisely because of men like us.

Even though I laugh at poverty, I agree that sexual relations involving money are dirty. But I would also like to remind you that this so-called dirty sexual relationship is far from being the dirtiest sexual relationship I have seen in my life, because there are other types of sexual relationships that are not even comparable to the ones I have mentioned in my story.

This is almost a year’s worth of emotional experiences in my twenty-nine springs of life since my birth, and I’m writing it because I’m going to write it, and it doesn’t have any special significance, and it doesn’t help anyone in any way, it’s just a story.

In the past, my depictions of sex have been clean and saintly, and I will try my best to be so here, though I think it will be a little more difficult.

November 16, 1997

Knowing her is accidental to no longer accidental, in fact, in the city where I live today, a random woman walking past me suddenly told me a sentence: “I am a lady”, I absolutely will not show any surprise. If not, some other cities will not re-emerge such as “big sister”, “girl” or “master” such a title.

Einstein did not predict the weapons used by mankind in the Third World War, but asserted that the weapons of mankind after the Great War must be stones; Gu Long repeatedly reminded us that since ancient times, the first profession of men is killer, and the first profession of women is prostitute; a virgin girlfriend beside me talked about the pornographic industry should go to the ground in front of the public, and that the “misses” should be examined by the government hospitals every year, which can reduce many undesirable effects. A virgin friend of mine talked in front of everyone that the pornographic industry should go to the ground, that “young ladies” should have annual medical check-ups in government hospitals, which would reduce many undesirable effects, and that she did not think that some “amateur” young ladies were much cleaner than professional young ladies, but only thought that they would be even more dirty (referring to their bodies).

So if you say that you can exclude all the dirty, I do not object to anything; you do not agree with “as long as it exists, it is reasonable”, I am also silent; but if you admit that you are a sexually sound and mature person, a man who has not had a woman for a long time or a woman who has not been able to get a man for a long time, and lying alone on the bed stroking his body, but do not want to find a person to have sex, I will make fun of you. bed stroking herself but not looking for someone to have sex with, I will make fun of you.

I’m not such a man, so I met her.

On this day, I was playing computer in the original small head, although the new company has been established, but the relocation is still in the relatively distant plan. Head of the business has been bad, gradually I was not as hardworking, always fantasize that the new company can bring new development, people will unconsciously lazy down.

Then three of my friends arrived, all of them were computer enthusiasts. Although they were engaged in different professions, computers enabled us to find common topics, and we often got together to discuss them, and our friendship was very good.

A few people sat down and drank tea, chatting for a while, the day is nearly twilight. So began to discuss the evening program, three men, two of them are married, another has a very close girlfriend, suddenly at the same time, remembered a few days ago they went to a karaoke, and praised the sound of the women there are first-class, and after the eyes will stop in my body.

At that time I broke up with my girlfriend for nearly a year, there are not too many strangers to this kind of occasion, because I sing well, boxing is not bad, as for the amount of alcohol, the three of them have not been a can compare with me. Miss for me is not a dinosaur, I remember I lost love on the occasion of friends pulled out to find a woman to accompany, but also almost fell in love with the woman. Someone said a sentence: “men do not need others to teach these things”, used in my body, appropriate.

But I do not have this to go, because it is in the company handover period, my mood is a little messy, people are also tired, money and not much, for these spend money plus consume energy activities I do not have a big thirst, think about their own and not no touch a woman, and is not sexually hungry, why bother.

They started to convince me, “Look at me, I called my wife and said I won’t go back to bed tonight.”

“Gee, it’s precisely because I’m tired from work that I should go out and relax!”

The most fatal is that sentence: “Think about it, now you don’t have a girlfriend, who cares about you? When you were with your girlfriend, I wouldn’t even call you if you wanted to go.”

Think about it, society has progressed, people’s concepts have changed, gradually know that it is better to repress than to open up, and know that the mentality of “seeing the strange” to eliminate the “strange” this same thing, people’s movies are playing “Pretty Woman in the Moonlight”, I was touched to tears, and I am not a fresh turnip skin, what is the need to protect the virginity? I was moved to tears because I am not a fresh carrot skin, why should I keep my virginity? I’m not a fresh carrot skin, so what’s the point of preserving my virginity? People are married with wives and unmarried with girlfriends, right? Anyway, what’s the point of going for a relaxing time, no one forces you to go to bed, it’s just for fun, so let go of some of the shackles of morality and chastity and follow them.

The karaoke bar called “Red Rose” is situated far away from the river, near the living quarters, which are full of outsiders. The karaoke is not bad, the decoration is quite good, the room is also spacious, my friend’s acquaintances are quite a lot, it seems to be a regular customer.

Soon after we sat down, a “mommy” came in to offer us tea, asking us how many girls we needed and what kind of girls we wanted, and she was very enthusiastic. After a while the ladies arrived, she at the end, leaning against the door, watching us with more serious eyes than we were looking at her. She was dressed very plainly, a short-sleeved dress with cut-outs and a pair of dark blue shorts, and she wore make-up. She was hostile from the start; there was a coldness to her curved, slightly upward-squinted eyes, and there was no professional smile on her face; she didn’t look like a lady at all, didn’t look like she belonged here at all. Later, I thought back, perhaps this is her most brilliant place, someone said: “men want those deep bosom of the lady like a slut, and the women of the green house had better look like a lady.”

Then a friend pointed at her and laughed at me: “This is specially picked for you, knowing that you don’t like tall, so I found a small and delicate one for you, which still knows your heart, right?” I have no opinion, in fact, I will not have any opinion, women, look good on the line, it is best to accompany you to sing, guessing, lively a little, to come here is to play, why too much demand, not satisfied with me will not give less money to save their own bad mood.

So each into the seat, hugging, hugging, hugging, but she alone behind my back, far away, self-concerned about a brain in the song, put me there transparent. I’m a little angry, this is what professional attitude? Doing this line of work should abide by the rules of this line of work, who makes money easy these days? We sell a hard disk to earn so ten dollars or not run a dead? If you sit here for two or three hours, we’ll sell ten or twenty hard disks. But I’m good-tempered, I still talk to her, she has a sentence back, and then began to sing by herself.

My friend also saw a hint of difference, and quietly asked me: “If it’s not good, then get another one.” Who knows that her ears at this time bright, turned back to the mouth: “I do not care about it!” On the meaning of getting up, but I inexplicably no fire, but picked up the microphone and she sang together. In fact, this plot to now I still remember as fresh, still do not understand why I did not stand up to scold her did not stand up to go, after I recalled with her are confused, perhaps this is some of the so-called chaotic collision of destiny.

I’m very casual, thinking at this time, there is no need to find something angry, anyway, people are slowly familiar with, so I began to call her guessing. She does not know, I will teach her, complex I dare not teach, teach her some of the simplest. That is a kind of fist called “frog frog jump”, everyone stretched out five fingers, I call the fist will have a finger up, she also want to at the same time warped one, if she warped that finger and I warped the same, she will lose.

This frog helped us a lot, she didn’t drink much but drank a lot because she thought it was funny, and our pair transformed from silent to lively. Then I started to sing, all the people are quiet, I sing when the surrounding is generally quiet, this confidence I have always had, that is BEYOND’s “sea and sky”, she also quietly look at me, dim light in her eyes as if a little bigger, there is a little hazy drunk, I think this time I am in her eyes is beautiful. Afterwards, everyone applauded, she sat a little closer to me, the other people in the room have long been embraced in a ball, only she and I still respect each other.

She began to specialize in finding some songs to sing to me, she also sang her own good at the song, her song is also sung without saying, Zhou Bingqian the song “really miss you” I simply seems to be until this day to hear the original song. My friends are not much singing, the room on the sound of the two of us, she sang singing body slowly rely on my shoulder, I naturally embrace her, that light I looked back, friends are colorful and secretive smile at me, I have another drift, her shoulder is small, soft, leaning me so comfortable.

Time flies, all of a sudden will be nearly twelve, she turned back and gently asked me if I want to go to her home, I hesitated, because then it is very popular to borrow color robbery case, in fact, my heart is  intention. It just happened to live with her female companion is in the arms of one of my friends, I looked at my friend, a shot, four people quickly melted into the night.

They walked in front, my friend and I lagged a few steps behind, I watched her familiarly greeted the security guards, the security guards also saw us into the neighborhood. I breathed in the air with the wind of the river, a little apprehensive in my heart, although this is not the first time, but after all, I have never tried to walk into the house of a woman I have known for less than three hours in such a dignified manner. I didn’t think about whether it was right or wrong, because it was simply wrong, I didn’t think about whether it was clean or dirty, because it was simply dirty, I was just thinking, she is a woman who pleases me, I didn’t force myself.

The fourth-floor suite was pitch black, and she left the lights on, pushing my friend and her female companion into a room before pulling me into another darkness.

She skillfully helped me undress, while chatting quietly with me, I knew part of her life from that time, she said it was very bitter, in fact at this time there is any such woman who said it is not bitter? I’ve heard more bitter ones, and I didn’t really believe them, but I was still committed to listening, so why not? Why stay out of it for those few short minutes when it’s just a game?

We were finally naked, she slowly helped me put on the condom, I gently caressed her face, her face was round and her skin was smooth, in fact every inch of her body was smooth and well maintained. She loosened her hair and I ran my mouth down the base of her ear, her neck, her shoulders, slowly swimming down, my hands gently gripping her round but small breasts, she was still luscious then.

She let out a “yah” and began to moan professionally, I didn’t mind, I was no stranger to sex than any man, and the number of orgasms I’d had during sex, as a proportion of the number of times I’d had sex, wasn’t any less than any other man, and I could always be as passionate as I should be about the women I liked. She was definitely the type to please me, and I felt the urge she was causing me to feel, and my hand gradually moved down, skimming over her flat but undulating stomach, to go down. Instead, she took my hand at that moment and placed it on her thigh.

My hands have always been very gentle, this is not me saying this, this is what she said, the skin on my hands is indeed softer than many women’s, I did not know at the time why she had to remove my hand, and did not think about it, I continued to feel another part of her, her gasp a little more sharply, but still flat on her back, did not attach myself to my movements, her position in every subsequent lovemaking session with me was basically like this. It always gave me the feeling that she wasn’t into it at all, but it was a fact I accepted because even when she looked into it, I would think she was faking it.

Her legs were firm and smooth, her ankles were slim and not skinny, I had nothing to pick on, she pulled me on top of her and without much preamble I entered her, it felt so good in that instant, her position was slim and narrow and elastic, even with her legs spread I still felt very tight, there was no slack, there wasn’t the slightest worry about falling off at all in the pumping, and all this was a result of the cold baths she had been taking for so long.

She started to gradually purr and I got turned on, so I started to change positions and roll around, and eventually she sat on my waist and desperately scuttled. I looked at her swaying bosoms and was about to stand up with my whole hold on her when the door next door opened just then and my friend came out with her female companion and asked if we were done, I yelled over with a bit of anger that we weren’t and then my friend and her female companion went first and I lay in the dark losing any interest or sexual interest I might have had.

She was on my slimmed down chest by this time, kissing me, panting in my ear, and taking her mouth, which she never let me kiss, and touching it to mine, hoping that I would shock her anew. I was surprisingly not aroused at that time, but there was something strange and touching, she was not the first professional woman sitting on top of me, her movements were gentle, the combination of these reminded me of my girlfriends, and she didn’t mechanically rush me, everything was still natural, and even more so there was no more distractions around, I should have continued with her, but instead I caressed her face and softly said. “Is that all?” Her eyes swept a difficult color, should be worried that I was not satisfied and underpaid, I smiled, took off the dry condom, patted her plump little ass, very accurate to feel the dark wallet, asked: “How much?”

She finally smiled, a smile that was definitely more than just the kind of smile you get when you see money, or at least I thought so, and I pressed the four bills onto her outstretched three fingers, and she had a look of approval in her eyes, the kind of approval that a lot of men actually get drunk on.

She jumped up from the bed and ran over to turn on the light, and after my eyes were paralyzed, I naturally looked at her firm breasts and didn’t pay attention to her belly that she wouldn’t let me touch just now. She smiled brightly and said as she opened her closet, “I’ll change into something nice before I go back.”

I eased into my pants and she had already wrapped up her entire body, a gray sweatshirt and a pair of white tennis shoes, then bounced in front of me a few times, smiled and asked, “Does it look good?” She was definitely a kid at that point.

She started to make the bed when I got out of it, and as I surveyed the empty room, which had little but everything was neat, she made the bed even neater, and then carefully folded the change of clothes and put them right at the end of the bed.

This time, she didn’t run to the shower to rinse off, and neither did I. I gave her one of my cards, which was a foolish act in the eyes of many then, and in my eyes now, and she gave me her CALL number.

She was walking out of the neighborhood with my right arm wrapped around her, she was laughing and joking loudly with the security guard while he looked at me evilly and smiled, I wasn’t feeling too bad, I hadn’t had an orgasm earlier but I wasn’t disappointed in this sex, and the fact that I liked having her walk beside me like this.

After returning to the karaoke, she sat on my lap, hugged my neck and sang beautifully. My friends saw the difference again and laughed, the one who had just been in the room with me started bragging about how long I lasted, the others made fun of me for getting stuck this time and being hard to get out of it, it was a mess. I do not have joy nor impatience, I only feel as if I do not belong to the room, only their own body is close to her, those who laugh, those who sing, those who dim neon red, do not belong to me, I feel that at this time I should go to the riverside walk alone with her, I have not had such a long time desire.

As she sang and whispered to her female companion, supposedly talking about the evening’s takeaway, I perceived her female companion looking at me with respect, I definitely didn’t look like a boozy man, this even when I looked in the mirror I would agree, but I earned such respect. But what’s the difference between a man being posh and stupid on an occasion like this? What’s the difference between a woman’s respectful gaze and staring at a fish out of water?

I didn’t mind it too much because being able to buy some moods and some long-lost desires with money made me forget about some other things for a while.

I exited the stage to the sound of myself singing “The Sea”, and she helped me carry my big heavy satchel out of “Red Rose”, humming Yusheng Zhang at the same time. I remember her asking me what was in the bag that was so heavy, but I don’t remember what was in the bag. Around the night stalls business is getting better and better, the lights of the night seems to be more and more brilliant, I am more and more far away from her, I finally saluted to the female companion has been standing at the intersection of the women to see us, and did not think that the words of parting is too little, and let their own figure disappeared in the street corner.

On the way back some people eagerly probed me about the time I had been in the room with her, some saw the difference in my brow and urged me never to fall for such a woman, and some began to regret having brought me to this side of the river.

I confessed to Jiang Feng that it wasn’t this day that I fell for her, it was this day that I rediscovered the feeling of being in love. Dirty or clean, I thanked her in advance.

November 20, 1997

I was still in my head, typing on the computer, when the phone rang and her voice came on, in half-baked Guangzhou dialect, and I knew it was her as soon as I heard it.

She: “It’s getting cold, be careful of catching a cold, remember to wear extra clothes…”

I said, “Thank you, that’s very kind of you.” I thought to myself: “Don’t ask me to go, I don’t have any money, that night cost me almost all of my paycheck.”

She: “Nothing, greetings, that’s all, bye.”

The phone hung up and my heart tugged a little, thinking this was a bit of a departure from normal professional conversation, but at the same time appreciating her skillfulness.

But I’m not a big fish, I don’t need to look in the mirror to be absolutely sure of that one.

No words.

November 23, 1997

I continued to hit the computer and the calls continued to come, this time for two minutes.

November 24, 1997

Hit the computer, the calls come in, much longer, and we shift from Cantonese to Mandarin, from her calling to me asking for the number of a public phone to call, from her greeting me to me greeting her, from the weather to buying groceries and cooking dinner.

November 25, 1997

I put her CALLER number on my desk and dialed it without much mental struggle, it was the first time I ever CALLED her. She quickly resumed the call and then I called back and after that we were off and running.

I began to like her from this day, began to hold her, I need a woman to accompany me, to coax me and let me coax, to talk to me and then let me feel like a man, to make me get back to some of my usual seem to have lost, actually in the subconscious most thirsty for love feeling. She didn’t charge me, and she didn’t charge me more in the days to come, the phone company did.

Later, I also CALL her at night, she resumed the phone will be much later, around the sound is very noisy, are some strong music and out of tune voice, I know she is at work, her tone of voice also seems to be in a hurry, I didn’t how to bother, put down the phone will have a little bit of unhappiness, but will immediately dissipate, and back to a trace of inexplicable worries and attachments. I am very clear about my feelings, never know how to escape, everything is light and natural, she and I are two worlds of people, I seem to always like to like the other world of people like, but at that time my mood of peace, I know her kind of occupation and empathy is not less than those who rolled in the inside, the only thing I have more than that is sympathy.

The days repeated themselves day after day, and she finally said at one point that she wanted to come visit me, see my company, and come to hang out, and I didn’t have a hard time saying yes right then and there.

I waited for her all afternoon and had some essential money ready, including food, drink & sex. She didn’t show up and later told me something was wrong and she would come the next day. The next afternoon she came and telephoned me from a nearby phone booth, asking me to pick her up because she didn’t know the way.

See her when she wore a black tights, green and purple jeans, no makeup. Once I saw me hooked my arm, then a lot of people on the street, I do not know who I was afraid to see, in fact, afraid of their own hearts that Kan, want to avoid. She was immediately angry, staring hard at me, scolding: “Why? You are my boyfriend are not allowed to hook?” Said to go, I knew from then that her temper was very strong, and her kind of inexplicable but inevitably to fight for self-esteem.

As soon as I pulled her back and wrapped my arms around her waist, she laughed and wrapped her arms around me as well, and the two of them went back to the head as one, watching The ah-lien at the head covered her mouth when she looked at us, mainly because she had never seen me so intimate with a woman. She, however, stares at ah-ren, greeting but very coldly, as if she doesn’t like any single woman who is alone around me.

We climbed up to the second floor and she looked around my small world, touching the computer and the printer. The music in the background was “DON’TGO” by Dewey To: “I’m waiting for you in the rain, you’re laughing at me, I’m holding on to you…” I thought that if I fell in love with her, I would soon have the same feeling as in that song. I’d soon be in the mood for the song.

As we sat entwined in the big chair, my partner came back, and he watched her put a piece of orange into my mouth with a look that was almost like looking at an ape, and I understood his mood, for he had looked so hard for me to find a woman, and I understood my own at the same time, and how was I to describe to him what she did for a living?

Luckily, my partner was like sitting on a pin carpet and ratted off after twenty minutes, and although I was grilled for nearly two hours the next day, I was finally dispatched with a response I cobbled together in three times the length of the interrogation, and the happier he was for me, the stronger the guilt in my heart became.

This day is December 6, I told Aline early to collect Walking away, we did not eat dinner, just snuggle up there listening to the song, she in my lap on the keyboard, eyes stupidly looking at the fluorescent screen. She is not only on the computer, she is ignorant of many things, she in front of me is simply an elementary school student, in fact, she really has not graduated from elementary school. But when I wrapped my arms around her, I didn’t understand why I had such a sharp urge, maybe she was meant to be the body I wanted in my mind.

“A man never cares about a woman’s background or education”, I totally agree with this statement. I’ll also admit that at this point in time, I was more lustful than emotional towards her, but she and I were also somehow trying very deliberately to avoid while playing the roles of john and whore.

I told her, “I want to do that with you.” She nodded. Then I turned off the lights, opened the long folding recliner, put the pillows in place, and lay down with her. She obediently let me take off her clothes one by one until she was naked, but she insisted on taking off her pants.

This time she didn’t give me a condom, we were completely and utterly joined, and for some reason I wasn’t afraid of leaking on something I should have leaked on. I didn’t touch her belly anymore either, I just let my belly press against hers, letting our fuzz entwine so tightly that we even had to wrap our toes around each other tightly. She wrapped her arms around my neck and I around her waist, I moved gently, she didn’t attach herself, not even a professional moan, just a low murmur.

It was a wonderful feeling for almost an hour, and my whole body trembled with excitement even more than every time with my previous girlfriends. The sound of cars on the street seemed to fall silent, while the sound of reading aloud from the school next door seemed to be an accompaniment. I don’t know why I would have such a reaction to a body like this? I was beginning to understand a little bit how arranged marriages could also produce feelings, and that’s when most of my feelings for her arose.

As I was nearing orgasm she gave me her mouth, sending me a long wet kiss, I was flattered, I knew it was her reward, she was no longer going to have an orgasm, or at least I wasn’t going to be able to give it to her, but she knew what I needed, and I can’t describe how I felt at that moment, I wasn’t going to die, I was just grateful because sex requires lips so much, but theirs are naturally the same as the men’s lips repulsive.

I had a kind of drenching line, and at this point I felt selfish and guilty for not being able to make her feel such an experience. Instead she looked at me graciously as she slowly wiped away the slow flow of liquid from underneath her body, not much amusement or pain in her eyes, but a motherly look at her child, and she could see that genuine satisfaction on my face.

My fingers finally touched the small of her back at this point, and she flinched involuntarily, but didn’t run away from it any more, taking my hand in hers and gently stroking the spot that was such a mystery to her, and what I felt was a slightly raised scar.

“Left over from the C-section.”

I was a bit surprised: “Where’s the baby?”

“At home, can you bring it out?”

I bowed my head, “How old are you?”

“Five years old.”

“You were born when you were eighteen?”

She nodded.

“Where’s the baby’s father?”

She didn’t say anything and I was speechless, just gently wrapped my arms around her and she gave me a rare hug in return, drying one leg around my waist. I breathed slowly, not really sympathizing much, I just knew who the fuck wasn’t bitter anyway, and who the fuck was born to love doing this kind of thing.

She rested on my shoulder and talked about her, saying how she suffered at home, how she couldn’t help but run out, how she started to go to karaoke when she was too tired to work here and her salary was too low; how her father and stepmother quarreled, and how her father got cancer; how her elder brother was not competitive, and how his wife, who was bought with 5,000 yuan, ran away and chased her all the way to here; how her milk was good to her, and how she sent home a few thousand yuan every month to her milk and how she gave her milk to raise her children and also gave a little to her father; how this house she now lives in was given to her by a Hong Kong man, and how that Hong Kong man deserted her. She sent home a few thousand dollars every month to give only to her milk, by her milk to raise the children, but also share a little to the father; now she lives in this set of houses is a Hong Kong people to give her, and that Hong Kong people how to abandon her. Whenever she talks about her child, she laughs like a child, and this is the only thing I will believe in her, that she has a child.

At eleven o’clock or so, she got dressed to leave, and at this time of the day there was still time to catch a show, I wasn’t too attached, gave her fifty dollars for the fare, and nothing more, and she didn’t ask for it, hugged me, smiled, got in the car, and said she’d CALL me when she got home.

When I reached home the CALL machine rang, there was still music and a change of voice, she told me loudly that she reached home, and there was that cab driver who tried to chase her, I gave her a loud kiss on the phone and then hung up the phone, smiling childishly in the darkness myself. I knew I was about to fall in love with her, I didn’t know if I could love such a woman like those men in the movies or novels, I felt that my mood was quite calm at that time, which in many people’s eyes must be the most dangerous time.

December 13, 1997

There are a lot of things in the company are not yet on track, I’m still busy, the computer to play a little less, a little more phone calls, but not her, her phone call is just one a day, are very short, and she is also busy, as if there are some things, I do not have much mood to understand.

I had a bit of free time on this day, and the fact that although I had kept her profession from many people, it was impossible to keep it from those who were with me in the first place, and my friend Army had no secrets from those friends, and I was going to ask Army to meet her, and to give me some advice, even though there wouldn’t be a single one of them who would be in favor of my being with her.

She arrived before the army, or I have to pick her up, she seems to know only a Tianhe Sports Center, everything else is exempt from asking. This time she is even more simple, draped in a man’s jacket, wearing a pair of black tight bodybuilding pants, from a distance look like a small boy. Her face is a little green, meet complained that the stomach has been uncomfortable in the past few days, or tightly hooked me, as if a loose I will run, she will be alone back. I laughed and said I didn’t want to be seen with my arm around a man and told her not to get so close, so she got angry again and hit me hard, but this time didn’t try to leave. She was genuinely angry, so I had to put my arm around her jacket once again seeing Aline covering her mouth.

Then the army arrived, we all chilled out and then ate, we went for hot pot, which was dog meat. She poured tea and washed the dishes for us attentively, saying that women should do all this work, quarreled loudly with the poorly served waiters, and chatted excitedly with some of her fellow townspeople who heard the accent; she wouldn’t have been lonely, but was closer to being a housewife at this time of year than a housewife.

Army watched quietly from the sidelines, watching her feed a piece of something into my mouth, drinking with us and talking about things that were on his mind, without much expression of displeasure or pleasure. That’s because he could accept this woman, but he was also worried, worried that she had lied to me, even though neither of us knew exactly what I had to lie about.

In fact, if I were him, I’d do the same, but that’s enough, it’s enough to let me know that someone still understands me.

After dinner, Jun excused himself, she and I returned to the company, I said: “Do not go tonight, sleep all night!”

She agreed. I brought the instrument back to the office at this point, and I played it for her, telling her about some flirty romance, which she didn’t even care about, as long as I sang some pop song. Then I put the guitar down and put my arm around her, rubbing her breasts, and she got mad and scolded me, vehemently, saying that all I knew how to do was make love to her, and that she should never be touched tonight, and that her period was coming. I laughed, and I fully admitted my interest in her body, but one thing I knew just as well for myself was that my interest in her had gone beyond just sex.

I argued with her somehow to bring the topic of whether I believe her things above, she repeatedly emphasized that I do not believe her, and her together is simply to bed, simply has been when she is a whore, and finally the two people back to back gambling sitting there bored for a whole ten minutes. I finally can’t hold back, but also angry, I took out a letter I wrote to a friend to show her, in fact, I published the “mood at that time”, she that language level of course can’t read, but she believes that I used to have a girlfriend, and now broke up.

I told her that no matter what I say you’ll think I’m trying to trick you into sex, the implication being that no matter what you say I’ll be suspicious too, and that this is inherently contradictory and normal.

Then she asked me if I liked her and I nodded, I nodded to her and to myself. She asked me again why I didn’t take her home, I was silent and she got angrier and hit me.

Finally, I said, “When the time is right, I will take you back.”

It was like a line of movie dialogue, and her response was anything but dialogue, as she pointed at me fiercely and said, word for word, “If I come back next time and you don’t take me home, I’ll never talk to you again!”

I was touched by her anger and surprised by my own fear, I was actually afraid that she would ignore me, as if she also saw the look in my eyes, she suddenly gentled down, and even took the initiative to make the bed for me. I hugged her tightly, she repeatedly urged me not to move, in fact, my hands did not move at all.

We began to talk about our feelings when we first met, she said she hated me, I do not like, I think I am obscene, skinny and not handsome, she had been looking at one of my friends, but who knows, but assigned to me. I said I don’t hate you just as much, without a shred of work ethic, her body twisted a little, eating a laugh, and returned a sentence: “If you don’t like it, stay away.” When I put her small shoulders more tightly, I suddenly feel a little happy feeling, from a man in love with a prostitute is incredibly contradictory and remorseful plus extremely unsettled mood, bubble up, and quickly disappeared in my staring at the face of the completely blank map of the world above.

We continued to indulge in that night of guessing and singing on top of each other until we drifted off to sleep. My first night with a woman wouldn’t have been so easy to fall asleep, and as I watched her shoulders rise and fall, with an occasional coughing staff and moan coming from her, I knew that her woman’s disease was acting up again, but all I could do was to wrap her a little more tightly in the covers.

In fact, what else could I have done? I refracted the light to the darkness of the night, the embrace of their loved ones, I know her only twenty days, how many men like me have dreamed of pulling their loved ones out of the mire, but how many individuals have the courage to do so, and even if they have the courage to do so, how many of them have persisted to victory?

I exhaled in harmony with her coughing staff, and in the shimmering light her frail shoulders moved, and my heart was as close to hers as it could be, our heartbeats and breaths synchronized, and in that moment it was as if she sensed my anxiety, but I sensed her serenity.

December 14, 1997

At nine o’clock in the morning she got up and said she wanted to go, she told me that her elder brother and sister-in-law were now living in her place and she wanted to go back to see them, plus she was not feeling well and couldn’t stay with me for too long. So I sent her to go, due to the need to save money, she did not take a cab, I went with her to a more distant place to take the bus.

It was drizzling, I was carrying an umbrella and she was carrying my guitar on the road. She took my guitar too, she said she wanted to take it back to play, seeing the guitar was like seeing me. I watched as she jumped on the bus with her guitar, stumbled a bit, and then looked back at me, and I noticed that her face was paler, and the look of pain was stronger, but there was a smile. My heart tugged hard at that moment, and the drizzle seemed to get denser, blurring my vision.

After returning to the company I sat there and waited for her call, a long time before the call came, her voice has been distorted due to the pain, she said she couldn’t stand the pain, I said I’ll come to see you, from that moment on I felt that I already have a kind of not  mean to separate from her mood, but she told me to continue to do things, she will soon be fine, the result of the phone dropped before the words were even finished, and I was there! “I was there for a long time, and finally waited for the sound of the phone hanging up.

I CALLED her every ten minutes after that, and when I didn’t get a reply again, I felt weak and helpless. I tried to find the phone number I remembered and called it, luckily the person who answered the phone knew her and told me she had just been in excruciating pain and had gone home.

My partner came back and we got to work, I didn’t stop calling her, my partner saw the look on my face and didn’t ask any questions. When she finally came back on near noon, feeling a little better, I yelled for her address and told my partner, “I’m going to go see her.” I went out.

I only have a few hundred dollars in my pocket, in order to save a little, or decided to take the bus, nearly an hour to arrive, and then I CALL her in front of the neighborhood, she came down to pick me up. This time she wore a beautiful, purple blouse, white ultra-short skirt, flesh-colored stockings, with white thigh-high leather boots, the body is very slim, but also show a little taller, like a young milk, but still can not hide the pale face.

She was followed by a man, walking in step with her, and I was not offended by the men around her, and as she greeted me, she began to introduce herself: “This is my elder brother…” She even smiled painfully. I took the man’s calloused hand in mine and shouted, “Brother.” I could see that the pain in her eyes had lessened, and my elder brother smiled in response. My elder brother’s face was very bitter, which is the term used in physiognomy to refer to “bitterness”, and at first glance, one feels that he is a person who has worked hard for his life.

I carry already bought fruit to follow them up the stairs, a door to see a lot of people, of course, there are sister-in-law, sister-in-law looks bitter, but quite meek, not like the old to “run away” people, there is also a pair of men and women, the man looks very good, the woman is not bad, standing in the balcony door to look at me. I actually have nothing to look at, I wore a very old-fashioned black suit that day, perhaps only inside the shirt will be so white that people do not face. Her female companion was gone, but there was a curly-haired puppy in the room, who pounced on me as soon as he saw me, rubbing against my leg in what looked like heat, and was shooed away by her fiercely.

As soon as she entered the room she lay down and started moaning in pain again, I sat next to her and said nothing. She started to call her brother and sister-in-law to come in and ask them to talk to me, and then she gave money to the woman outside to buy food, and at this time she was like the head of the family. She told her big brother that I was her boyfriend, and he laughed, and patted me on the shoulder, and asked me to keep a good eye on her, as her health had never been good, especially her stomach. I nodded my head and chatted with them about some family matters, then I called my elder brother out of the house, and at this time I still had some money in my pocket, and I asked my elder brother to take me to find a florist. My big brother asks me why I’m wasting it, but I’m adamant that these things will be better than medicine.

The only flower store here, big is very big, but unfortunately no fresh flowers, to order, I ordered a basket of eleven pink roses, about two o’clock pick up. The owner of the florist is very pretty, while remembering my phone number, while praising me for being a good boyfriend, remembering the girl’s birthday; I said it’s not a birthday, it’s a sickness, she smiled and said: “Then I wish  your girlfriend’s illness to get well soon, in fact, with a boyfriend like you by her side, she will definitely get well very quickly. ” I also smile, smile all worry, because I just spoke in the room saw her in bed twisted, hand tugging tightly on the bed sheet, skin are green.

On the way back, the big brother is very awkward to ask me if I can help him find a job, I asked him what he was doing, he said he was in the coal yard to play coal briquettes, will be a bit of machinery, I said that it is necessary to go to the nearby townships and ask, I really can not help with this.

I bought a couple boxes of pills to deal with the menstrual pain downstairs from her before I went upstairs and they were already eating, so I pushed my big brother over to the dining room table and went into my room myself.

She was still lying on the bed, her small hands still tugging at the sheets, and when she saw me come in and open her eyes for a moment, I was heartbroken, but I was only able to gently stroke her back, and she tugged me onto the bed, and the two of them lay together, and she buried her head in my arms.

I felt her pain, but I couldn’t share it. In fact, how many women like her don’t have this and that disease? She’s probably already on the mend.

After a long time, when she finally went to sleep, I went to fetch the basket of flowers, and while the street was full of people looking curiously at the pink roses, and the women in the house envied them, and the men tsked, I didn’t know what I was thinking.

Her eyes lighted up when she saw the flowers, and then she laughed, and quickly got up from the bed, and put her face into the flowers, and then dazzled the people around her, and gave the fruit to each one to eat, and changed back again into a child, and the house livened up a little, and people came in and ate the fruit and looked at the flowers. When the good-looking man came in, she gave him an apple, with a little strange look in her eyes, cold and sultry, I could see. Then the little dog came in, and she got mean again, shooing the dog, and saying to me, “This dog is dirty and very unappealing.” I don’t know why the dog is so unappealing. I liked it, but I knew it must have been a gift from a man.

After the heat was over, it was just the two of us left in the room again, she was in much better spirits, sitting on the bed and talking to me, she said that the good looking man was her former boyfriend, in fact, her husband, that is, the child’s father, now out of the work, the woman is her current wife, they temporarily live here. I didn’t have any hard feelings, I just felt that the way the good looking man was looking at me was a little different, men certainly understand men a little better.

In the evening I cooked and ate with them, and I still got a kick out of their pickled bean curd and fried chicken. I saw a map of China and a map of the world hanging on the wall immediately above the dining room table, along with an airplane flight schedule, and I was convinced that she had once lived with someone from Hong Kong.

She always talk to find that good-looking man’s stubble, everything to grab the head of the conversation, always lifting the bar, there is a kind of at any time to fight, I smiled in my heart, did not say anything, the appropriate time to press a little shoulder of her. The good-looking man did not finish his meal and ran to the balcony to smoke.

After dinner, the women go out, they all have to work, they can’t go to the tables yet, but the hair salon in the neighborhood is doing good business. The men also go out, according to her, to watch pornographic videos.

I brought up the guitar and sang to her, she lay in bed, her stomach a little better, occasionally reaching out to touch my face. I  mean to stay in those lights forever, the light in the room is dim and golden, the sound of the guitar is soft, my mood is calm and stable beyond compare, everything belongs to only two people.

Beautiful memories are usually very short, not long, the door rang, good-looking man’s wife came back, look frightened, said tonight the public security checks, sister-in-law to the arrest. She immediately jumped up to dress, make-up, and then looked at me, I took out my wallet and handed it to her: “You look at it!”

She left me a hundred dollars and hurried off with the woman. I sang alone in the darkness, from the room to the hall. I sang “Understanding” by Younker Leylin: “With what heart do I treat this love, no one knows it better than I do… except you…”

When the song was over, they came back, and so did her sister-in-law, whose hands were scratched in many places and bleeding. While treating her sister-in-law, she urged them to be more careful in the future, to be more flexible in escaping, and to always wear a condom when sleeping with men. Then turned to me to explain just where the money went, I don’t need to explain, I just look at these women, it’s not what the hard times see true love, they usually maybe no one will not look at anyone, this is just some beast instinctive mutual aid only, then what is it that forces them to have to get together in this together?

It was late at night, the men returned and slept with their respective women in their arms, and as she was still in good spirits, I took her hand and walked out.

The lights of the neighborhood are still so serene in retrospect, and no one knows how much unseen is behind those lights, how many women are waiting underneath men to pay, how many are gulping at a piece of tinfoil, and how many are alone again, nursing wounds touched by running away.

She walked quietly beside me, and for the first time I detected some happiness in her. Before she came out she put on her make-up very carefully, and smiled and said that everyone thought she looked like Yang Yu Ying, which she did, especially when she put on that dress and hat, and I praised her for her beauty, and she jumped into my arms.

The night breeze must be gentle at this time of the year, and as we breathed in the scent of the Pearl River, she said, “It’s so nice to be with you.” I hugged her tightly and gave her the same answer.

We went to eat a little congee, a little snail, she is quite familiar with this neighborhood, the waiter of the stalls looked at me curiously, she said I was her boyfriend, she also met familiar men, are some of the usual karaoke acquaintances, warmly greeted, the men are also still sensible, did not pester, this is the best part of the best time I have with her.

Back home, people are already asleep, big brother and sister-in-law sleep room, good-looking men and women sleep in the hall, I walked into her room, looking at the red sheets of the bed, the heart suddenly settled down, there is a strange feeling. I still sleep in my own single bed, is the kind of students in the dormitory to sleep in the bunk beds, a long time ago I have been thinking: when will I actually have a big bed of their own? So that I can sleep with my beloved on it, and then we make love, talk to each other, cuddle together and have the same dream; in the morning I can see her sleeping, and I can print a kiss on her face.

Now that I had, I had such a bed, I watched her lift up the covers and get under them, as if she were looking at her own wife, and I suddenly asked, “Will you marry me?”

She froze for a moment and looked up at me without answering, disbelief in her eyes.

I went up, hugged her and kissed her on the mouth, she didn’t refuse, and wrapped her arms around my neck, after a while she pushed me away and said, “You’d better take me home and talk about it.” At that time her look was tired, she should have heard this many times.

I asked her if she’d quit the business if I took her home. She nodded.

I fell asleep with my arm around her as usual, she continued to cough her staff and moan loudly and painfully, sleeping through the night, her weakest hour, instead I slept a little more peacefully.

After that, she told me that she no longer work, went to work in a textile factory, and then told me that the factory wanted her to go to Shanghai on a business trip, and came back in a week. I said she went on a business trip from the third day with my CALL machine another number CALL her, because she did not know this number, soon after someone CALL back to me, I followed the number to call, her voice “hello” a sentence, once I heard it was me, and immediately said that I do not recognize, and then found another woman to tell me that she went to Shanghai.

I wasn’t too angry at the time. A friend of mine once told me, “The best way to deal with a woman who likes to lie is to believe whatever she says.” Immediately after he said that, he added in distress, “But if you know she’s lying, but you still have to pretend to believe her, then… that’s a real problem…”

I simply knew this would happen, and she ended up dutifully coming over to answer the phone, smiling and saying she hadn’t left yet, and was having a late-night meal with one of those chauffeurs I know, and so on.

I said seriously: “I understand your situation, I also know our relationship, I don’t care what you go to do I won’t blame you, even if you have to sleep with other men, I decided to be with you when I have long had this intention, I just hope you don’t lie to me, no matter what you go to do you can just talk to me directly, okay? Also, it’s just that I don’t have anything, I can’t give you anything, you don’t have to carry any burdens for me.”

She laughed and said she knew, and there was an indescribable relief in her voice. Then she asked me when I would take her home, and after a moment’s silence, I replied, “The day after tomorrow.” So it was a date.

January 20, 1998

The day has finally come when she’s finally coming to my house.

She had gone up the night before to play in a faraway place, which was over an hour away from my house by bus and then by tram. I waited from 10:00 a.m. until 1:00 a.m., when the food was getting cold, and my parents kept urging the meal to start, so I stood on the balcony and watched the trams turn one by one, not knowing which one had her in it.

In fact, parents have not been very favorable to me with the provincial girls together, are because of some practical problems, such as household registration, children’s schooling, visiting family fare and so on, but they have a principle has always been the same, that is, I like, they do not oppose, they want to hold grandchildren also want too long.

My CALL finally rang, I rushed downstairs to fetch her up, she wore a blue-dot dress with a white openwork shawl, her long hair was tied into two braids, very civilized. I ate the meal that had grown cold, but my heart was warm, when I introduced her, mom said she looked like one of my cousins, and dad looked at her with gentle eyes.

After dinner she was tired and wanted to sleep, so she slept under my bunk bed, and again she was crazy until I don’t know what time last night. I carefully tucked her in and she slept soundly. All of this was for Mom to see, and then I spent a long time recounting to her how I met her, which of course relied on my level of storytelling, and as I did so, I wondered, when will I be able to justify it?

In the evening I took her to dinner at what used to be the tallest CITIC Plaza in all of Asia, and when she stepped into the indoor scenic elevator, she started to get curious again, and every time I saw her look like that, my heart ached.

My two partners and each other’s girlfriends were there, and the meal was quite enjoyable. The four of us had a good feeling about her, and she behaved in a very civilized and generous manner, so my heart was finally put down a lot.

After dinner, we did not go with the partners to play, I held her hand walking through the Tianhe Sports Center, surrounded by a lot of people, I tightened her hand, asked: “happy tonight?”

She was giddy: “Happy.”

I paused, then said seriously, “Do you remember? You said that if I took you home, you’d stop doing that.”

She stared at me with her eyes for a long time, then smiled, nodding her head : “Don’t worry, I’ll go back and look for a job.”

We were walking down that long street when the wind suddenly picked up and she ran down the street with her arms outstretched, letting the wind blow her skirts and feet. She screamed that the wind was so pleasant that it reminded her of the ridges in her hometown.

I looked at the back in front of me, my eyes wet and a fear welled up that I was afraid of losing her.

After a few days, she called me to tell me that she had found a job as an air-conditioner, introduced by the drivers who often went to karaoke, and this time I didn’t suspect anything. After that, she went on another trip, still to Shanghai, still for a week. I didn’t “investigate” again, I was just worried, she would call back once in two days, saying that it was very hard, but also very worried about me, the environment there was either very quiet, or filled with the sound of cars coming and going.

I believe her, in fact I’ve always forced myself to believe her, in fact even if I don’t believe her so what?

What did I actually give her? I was going to tell myself that even if I saw her sleeping with any guy I couldn’t get mad because that was her profession, but could it really not matter at all when I grew to love her? And then there’s the fact that I often ask myself if it’s because of her profession that I suspect her of doing something even if she didn’t do it? Is it that if that’s not what she did, I’d believe her if she lied to me?

But I didn’t get an answer because I’m a man in love.

We have never met, she came back from a business trip to call me, giddy, said how how hard, I can hear her voice has been satisfied, did not ask her about the sights and sounds of Shanghai, in fact, the main thing is that I’m afraid that she could not answer. Later, I had tried to ask her can go to the company to see her? She was very happy to agree, I did not say anything more, we did not meet again until after the Spring Festival when she came back from her hometown.

After the Spring Festival, my company will be relocated to a big place, and I plan to start a snack business with a friend called “Miscellaneous Brother”. Miscellaneous brother is a seller of beef mince, I often go to his stall to eat, I know him, and then I think he is good, and bold, although he has been in jail, but now is also considered to be a new start, anyway, the company moved, the head of the empty hard to rent, and decided to take a chance on him and his partnership.

That touch pretty much shattered my entire twenty-seven years.

As soon as she came back, I asked my brother to give me a ride on his foreign motorcycle to look for her. At this time, my elder brother and sister-in-law had gone back to their hometowns, and the good-looking man and his woman had gone to work in a leather factory, and she was living with one of her own cousins.

Miscellaneous brother saw the cousin with her good, really like at first sight. Miscellaneous brother has a wife, there is a three-year-old girl, he is the eldest of the three brothers in the family, he was due to concealment, with the second brother together in prison, out of his old mother to follow the sale of cattle meat, sold sold on their own to do a car to sell, and then married and had children. His old man was in his two brothers in jail when he found a woman and then abandoned his old mother, sounds like another sad story.

I often like to sit with the army late at night next to his cattle car to eat beef and drink beer, watching the street people come and go, we talk about everything, life, women, feelings, slowly familiar with the topic of conversation is also in-depth.

I remember Miscellaneous Brother told me about one of his former girlfriends, when he was in jail this woman hid in the toilet of the men’s prison for a night, just so that she could go into the cell to have sex with him once. He was dead to this woman because of this, but then the woman abandoned him because she couldn’t suffer with him.

In fact, women say that men are not good, men also say that women are not good. Then he got married, and the engagement process was that his wife came out from the countryside, and they went to the movie theater, and for the first time he took his wife’s hand and said, “Let’s get married.” His wife nodded, and they had this three-year-old girl. To this day he loves his wife and child so much that he works early in the morning and late at night just for them.

I can hear all kinds of stories next to the cattle truck, sometimes I lament, sometimes I laugh, sometimes I am angry, sometimes I am silent. I never mind people’s life, I never observe whether the place where I sit is dirty or not, I just wish I could have a little more cleanliness.

My relationship with Miscellaneous Brother built up little by little, and I persuaded him to start a partnership, with me contributing most of the money, to help him hide his cousin’s affairs from his wife, and sometimes, even when she was not at home, I accompanied him to see his cousin and invited them to have a late-night meal.

Miscellaneous brother is often very bitter and conflicted, saying that he loves his family very much, but his wife just gives birth to children for him, but doesn’t give him the feeling of being in love, and he finds all these feelings from his cousin. I can only sigh softly when I hear this because there are so many families like this now.

We often run to and fro just to rejoice in those few hours of life.

April 11, 1998

The new company is being renovated, miscellaneous brother also closely prepared for the opening of the snack bar, I am on site every day to supervise the renovation, but also to raise funds, and meet with her less, but the phone is not less. She also said that she was busy with her work and would come to see me when she had time.

On this day she came, with one of her coworkers, who had gone to see her boyfriend, and she came to see us renovate.

There was no place to sit in the construction site, so she could only sit outside. At that time, the weather was hot, so I had to be busy with the work on the construction site, and I also had to come out to buy her some herbal tea, and I was so busy coming and going. I was mainly afraid that she would have a hard time because she could not support herself for a long time under the sun, but there was one thing that touched me, that is, her brow was furrowed tightly, but she still waited for me for two hours.

I went with her to the sports center to fly a kite after we were done, and her coworker came along, bringing her boyfriend. Her coworker was beautiful, just with dark circles under her eyes, definitely sleep deprived. The two women were running, jumping and screaming for joy in front of us, her light blue dress about to fly like a kite in the sky, me and her coworker’s man behind.

I asked the man: “How do you know your girlfriend?” The man replied, “It’s just Red Rose.” I laughed, patted his shoulder: “is a good place.” He also laughed, smiled a little evil, in fact, I and what is the difference between him?

On a sunny and windy day, when she was tired of flying, she ran back to me and handed me the string, asking me to take care of her kite. I tugged at the string, tighter and tighter without realizing it. Wasn’t she like the kite? But how strong can the string in my hand be? If the string breaks, what’s the use of tugging my hand as hard as I can? Will she get tired of flying and fall down, or will she fly farther and farther?

I didn’t think about it any more, and I remembered a dream I often had, which was: one day she went back to her hometown and never came back, and I worked hard and became famous, and then advertised everywhere on TV and in the newspapers to look for her, and then finally one day I recognized her, but she was already a woman… very much like a movie, and I sighed all the time in my mind.

In fact, if I did marry her, what could she do? Could I afford to support her? Right now I can’t even support myself, and she doesn’t know anything, so maybe the only thing she can do is start a small business. Is that realistic? And her kids, what about them? Can we afford them? Now basically all her friends know about her, and basically all of them are against it. Some firmly do not believe that she will have any real feelings for me, firmly believe that she must be cheating me, not only cheating money, but also cheating love; some repeatedly with some of their previous similar experiences to warn me, this kind of woman even if you do not cheat you, but also absolutely will not be with you, she seems to have changed, will soon return to its original form; some politely advise, do not hang in a tree, to be a variety of choices, and now you think that this one is the best, the future may not necessarily be the best. One is the best, the future is not necessarily the best; some simply slapped the table and cursed, saying that I find myself a fire pit to jump, how to die will not look at me.

There are only two people to support me, there is a friend after listening to my experience, there is no opposition or admonition, on the contrary, I think I am a very happy person, he said: “you at least now have someone to like, can miss and hold on to, do not think too much about the future, everything goes with the flow.” He has a Shanxi wife and a two-year-old son, very happy, he and his wife only know three months to get married, whenever people ask him how to get married in a flash, he moved his theory: “I met with my wife every day for three months, adding up to more than a hundred times, but if you are looking for a girlfriend in Guangzhou, maybe two years to make up this number. But if you find a girlfriend in Guangzhou, it may take you two years to make up that number.”

The other one is Miscellaneous Brother, this is what he said to my friends: “He is a person who is convinced of one thing, no matter how you try to persuade him, he will not turn back. Sometimes people are like this, know that it is wrong, but must go to the end, see the result of the heart will die. I will not persuade him now, I want to wait until he really fell into the pit, I will go to pull him up, not to mention that now how can we say that he will not have a good result?”

I remembered Miscellaneous’s words, and even though he didn’t pull me later, I kept his words in mind, and I felt that they hit home, so I haven’t tried to persuade anyone since, I just try to pull when I can.

“Hey, let’s go.” Her voice woke me up, the sky was still so blue, the wind was still so fierce, but it couldn’t blow away the countless knots in my heart.

When I got back to the head of the day is almost evening, I made love to her on the couch, we did not take off their clothes, we let the sweat on the clothes, I repeatedly lifted her skirt, soon after a flood. She asked me, “What’s wrong?” I said: “I haven’t seen you for a long time, I’m too impulsive.” She laughed and said she didn’t believe I didn’t have another woman, I sighed and thought to myself: “Why do I have to be skeptical of what you say, and you don’t believe what I say? Is it because you are the woman who did it there, and I am the man who went there to find you?”

After dinner I took her to karaoke, she found two wandering ladies under the neon lights, she went up to them and talked to them and danced with one of them, I sat there and watched, it was very relaxing, I like the fact that she can find friends wherever she goes, and is never alone, I don’t like the idea of a woman who has to be accompanied by a man all day long, and coaxed all day long by a man. She was a great dancer, in fact I learned most of my dancing from her, I thought of her every time I put my arm around a woman and danced afterward.

But then the two ladies look at us when we left the eyes make me a little regret to bring her here, but she is rare generous, did not mind much, she can not tolerate is my friends look at her like this. When the army came she also enthusiastically poured wine, and the army and sing together, play very crazy, the army did not look at her like that.

Alcohol in moderation is great for sex, we almost turned our heads the whole way over that night, Army had just excused herself and she started teasing me with her toes, we were both nearly naked to each other when I jumped on top of her, we kissed and hurriedly stripped our bodies of their barriers as we kept exchanging positions and whimpering in pleasure, she moved when I was tired, I topped it off when she was tired, that’s what’s called love.

Her caterwauling triggered all the sexual impulses in my body. I always say two things, one is: “If you think you love a woman but do not want to take off her clothes, you definitely do not really love this woman.” The other is: “Only when you make love to the woman you really love, you will have the power and speed to explode.” These two sentences, not only men, even women agree.

It was as if she and I hadn’t been tired all night, I had found everything in her, I knew what love was and what sex was. One thing she found too was an orgasm, and as her whole body shuddered violently, I smelled a small amount of blood.

April 21, 1998

What’s coming is always coming.

The new company moved in, and my miscellaneous brother and I opened our snack bar, which was all of a sudden very busy, but no matter how busy we were, we couldn’t forget to visit her and her cousin.

She told me she wasn’t working for that company anymore, that her old man was very sick and was pushing for money to be sent all day long, and that she had no choice but to go back to working the tables, but without sleeping with men.

I said this day at noon to visit her in the evening, she agreed, I nearly ten o’clock to her home, only cousin in, cousin said she went out to play mahjong, told me to wait for her, and then went out with miscellaneous brother to drink tea, I slept alone in the room and waited for her to come back.

At twelve o’clock, a motorcycle stops downstairs, then the security door opens and closes, the hall opens and closes, and when she sees me, she throws off her shoes and jumps on me, throws her arms around me and laughs merrily and says she won money at mahjong, and it’s just a really pleasant day, and I don’t know if it’s a kind of precursor.

She went to take a shower and then we made love, she smelled good, this time our movements are very gentle, very very lingering and sweet, everything is like flowing water, I think the sound of her moaning has changed a little bit, a lot gentler, and a lot happier, we seem to have slowly found a tacit understanding, and also slowly a little closer to married life, I am intoxicated in this feeling.

Later miscellaneous brother and cousin back, also don’t know how to get upset, miscellaneous brother ran downstairs on the motorcycle smoking, but also urged to go. Cousin ran to our room crying: “I asked him for money, is that I really have no money, but not to sleep money, have been so long, when I asked him for money? We are happy together, I want you to marry me in the future? Now I’m sick, I can’t sit on the stage, so who can I turn to if not him? He dumped a few hundred dollars on the bed, I took it and he asked me for it back, what does that mean? I don’t think you’re poor. If you don’t have money, don’t brag about your family’s wealth. Be a man and act like one. What kind of men haven’t I seen? I’ve never seen a man like him!”

I laughed, miscellaneous brother is poor, but also love face, no way, is trying to comfort a few words, in fact, they are like this, can be happy and happy, think what later?

At this time, her CALLER rang, she looked at it and didn’t ask me for the portable phone, but her face was a bit anxious. I started comforting my cousin and went out to tell Miscellaneous not to leave again, she was constantly looking at her watch.

Cousin’s mood settled down a bit, her caller rang again, she asked me for my handheld this time and ran to the balcony to review the phone, I was used to her behavior and continued to talk to my cousin.

When she came back, she put her arms around me gently, smiled and said, “It’s late, take care of your rest, go home, okay?”

In fact, I know there is a man is about to come up to her, in fact, I do not want to affect her business, in fact, I  mean to leave quietly and obediently. But perhaps the atmosphere of miscellaneous brother and cousin quarrel affects me, perhaps I will finally due to love her and can not stand other men lying on her, perhaps I finally forget that he is not what fresh radish skin, I can not afford to support her, no money to marry her over the door, but want her to go for me to keep those rags chastity.

I didn’t go, I lay down, and my cousin went back to her room with a sense of humor. When she urged me a second time, I sat up and asked her coldly, “Do you really want me to go?”

She froze for a moment and nodded her head. I didn’t look at the expression on her face, I didn’t understand why I didn’t look at the expression on her face at that moment, maybe if I looked at her, all my anger would disappear. I stood up, walked out and opened the door, I thought my voice was so cold: “I’m walking out of this door tonight, and I’m not coming back.”

The repercussions of that statement were so great that even I was taken aback. I watched her pounce out of the room like an animal, her eyes glowing red, pointing at me like a she-wolf: “You go… you go… and don’t come back… if you go…”

I didn’t think about the first man she’d heard me say it to, and if I had, I might have stayed.

I walked away, even miscellaneous brother’s shouts can not be heard, walk by themselves, walk quickly, I did not cry, no upset, only an empty feeling. The night was quiet and cold, everyone around me was as far away as possible, even the light was cold. I just felt like I had nothing left, only a body still walking.

I don’t know if this is a kind of repressed outbreak, or a kind of decadent relief, or a kind of perverted ravishment, ravaging other people, but also ravaging themselves. In fact, she and I, assuming that both love each other deeply, are not both equally painful? This is a false start, it is because I thought I was strong persistence, thought I was great behavior, thought I could keep the clouds and see the moon, naive, pulling two people together, and then go to bear their own hand concocted harm. Why can’t I be like Miscellaneous Brother and Cousin, drunk today? Why can’t I just play along with her and have some casual fun? Why should I make my feelings so real and heavy? Why pull the future so close?

What is wrong with me? I have always felt that I am very able to endure, very able to suppress, very able to sympathize, I seem to have never broken a girl’s heart, but what happened to me this time? Because I love her, in fact, in addition to because I love her will be because of what? I admit, she is the woman who makes me think of marriage most easily, but this emotional road, has gone to the place where you can no longer go and can not turn back.

At the time I couldn’t hear how many times my CALLER rang and how many times the phone rang, and I stubbornly believed that she had hurt me. My cousin later told me that she drank a lot that night and then ran away to a faraway place.

Can I regret it?

She found a man to live with and didn’t come back. I waited for her in her room for many nights, asked my cousin to help me look for her many times, and begged her on the phone many times, but she never came back. In the end, I had to bring my piano back to the office, and I played Grasshopper’s “We All Fall Out of Love Like This” every day: “I hate all the lovers in the world who show their passion for each other, and it’s like a crime to never meet your favorite, is there any such thing as everlasting happiness in the world? Why is there so much pain and crying in love? Please answer me if you’ve fallen out of love like this…”

This time the company’s business is surprisingly good, cousin pregnant, to abortion, miscellaneous brother every day busy, came back to say that she every day at home to play mahjong, told me to not CALL her.

But I still CALL her, I am getting thinner and more emaciated day by day, I called her ten times one day, she did not come back to the phone, I went to check her switchboard to see who CALLed her, which made the lady at the switchboard ask me angrily, “Is it true that you CALLed yourself and then check your own station ah? How boring!”

I was sitting alone in the office thinking, which man is she with now? Which man is she sleeping with? She doesn’t want me anymore.

One day I couldn’t resist going to the Red Rose to look for her, but she wasn’t there and neither was her cousin. I opened a room with Mr. Miscellaneous and asked Mr. Miscellaneous to call her. She resumed the phone call very late, but she agreed to come very quickly, and she brought another woman with her, and as soon as she arrived, she was laughing and joking like nothing was wrong, and she was having a very happy time.

After the song to go, she asked me for money, said “mommy” to charge “table clock”, I gave her the money, and then she brought the woman nu nu mouth, meaning that the woman accompanied the miscellaneous brother to play, but also have to pay, I am very reluctant to  out the money, she dragged a hand over, and the woman giggled and walked away. I have been watching their back, I just hope she can look back, but I was disappointed.

I went back to the phone after a big fight with her, after the fight I cried, I put our months of good times one by one, I hope she recalled, and then begged her to forgive me for the absurdity of that night, she quietly listen, but the tone is not soft, still the same indifference: “How do you treat me, you know best. “

I didn’t die, because after all, I was the one who caused the damage, I was just tired, and I had been dragged down by my own unexpressed guilt, unforgiving confessions, and alone-fantasized suspicions so tired and worn out that I had forgotten that it is much easier to make a mistake in a situation like this.

The next night I went to the “Red Rose”, I did not intend to see her, because she said she had not worked there for a long time, went to another place to work. But as soon as I went in, I caught a glimpse of her, dancing with a tall lady, and as soon as she saw me, she immediately ducked into the room, moving so fast that even Miscellaneous didn’t notice.

Then I sat in the hall with Miscellaneous Brother and waited for my cousin, I was just looking forward to her appearance, she finally appeared, came out of the room, holding a man’s cell phone in his hand, walked past me in a big way, as if she did not see me at all, and I pretended not to see her in general, she came back to say hello to the Miscellaneous Brother, but just ignored me. I do not dare to have any anger, because after all, I just to see her, after she walked back and forth a few times, carrying a cell phone as if busy, I just see her once, the heart will be beating a few times, she went out and look forward to her back, she came back and look forward to her going out, but the surface has to pretend to be very normal, I finally understand that he is also a very important person.

When my cousin came, we turned to the room, and I drank to myself, and sang to myself, and thought of nothing else. The brother and the cousin are getting more and more intimate, as if on purpose to show me, deliberately teasing me, deliberately mocking me, deliberately dazzling. In my heart for a long time of adoration and vanity, for a long time of “you do the first, I do the fifteenth” psychology, for a long time of broken cans, a shot of decadence, finally tenacious, premeditated, in fact, is actually a desire in general, from the bottom of my repressed for too long, out of the heart, and then uncontrollable.

I raised my head to finish a glass of wine, will “mom” called in: “help me call a lady.” Hearing this, “mom” of course, smiling, but miscellaneous brother and cousin are staggered there, in fact, I looked at their expressions, also already feel a little bit of their own excesses, but alcohol and some other messy things, let me continue to go too far.

Miss came and sat next to me, I instead sobered up a little bit, a little bit afraid, even did not touch the hand of the lady, just let the lady help pour wine and order songs, miscellaneous brother and cousin has been dumbfounded to look at me, also a little bit afraid of the way.

Actually, what are we all afraid of? They are afraid of me because they never thought I would do this. But what am I afraid of? I’m afraid of her? Isn’t she also a lady? What’s the difference between the girls around me and her? Why should I be afraid of a lady seeing me with another lady?

The army arrived when the wine is almost drunk, the song is almost sung, the army took the initiative to sit next to the lady, and she joked and sang. I know the heart of the army, he did not want her to come in thinking that I called the lady, the army’s heart I appreciate, in fact, before I saw her in the doorway outside the shaking a little, in fact, in this case how would she “misunderstanding”? In fact, this is not originally what I want her to see?

She came in, she saw it, she greeted everyone happily, she said that the guests over there had gone away and that they could come over and play, and she laughed and asked me if I was welcome. I didn’t say a word, I hadn’t said a word to her since the beginning, and I don’t know why those damned vanities can make up my face so cold.

At this time the lady beside me also noticed the difference, turned her head and asked me: “Why is your girlfriend in you also called Miss? You see your girlfriend is not happy, I’d better go!” Just want to get up.

I pulled her, in her ear smile: “all right.” This bites the ear action she saw clearly, she did not have any expression, looking for the army to drink, a drink a whole cup, and then sang “really miss you”, she sang so miscellaneous brother amazed at the sky, the army also feel surprised, really did not listen to her sing so well. Unfortunately, my ears seem to be deaf, I did not hear anything, did not see anything, did not think about anything, only low drinking.

On the way back, as soon as I got on the bridge, my CALLER had gone off and my heart was actually starting to shake, but the fierce river wind still didn’t keep me awake.

In fact, she is simply in love with me ah, why do I still have to tell people that it is because of her vanity that she loves face that she can not stand me called Miss? Why do I have to use she does not really love me just because I can not stand in front of her under her face and upset to prove that she is playing feelings? Why do I have to make everything so complicated because of my suspicions, why can’t I make things simpler? Why do I always have to force things on others? Why do two people who love each other always have to hurt each other so deeply? Why does all that moral vanity and stubbornness have to come out at this time?

Gu Long said: “A person can hurt you only because you love her. So if you love someone, you are hurting yourself when you hurt that person.”

May 10, 1998

There was no longer any need to explain, and there was nothing more I could say, it was all of my own making, and while I begged her forgiveness I was well aware of what I had destroyed, and she shifted from cold to flat, but on this day she finally approached me.

Miscellaneous brother was unavailable at the time, and my cousin had gone to another boyfriend’s house. When I frantically swooped over, we were the only two people in the room. She sat on a stool, emaciated to my heart, she put a foot up, meet me to ask for money, said gambling lost, people chasing debts, and then opened the drawer, took out a pack of cigarettes. She usually has been smoking, but did not smoke this kind, because there is a packet of other things inside the cigarette.

When she pulled out a piece of tinfoil, I wanted to go up and grab it, she pushed me away fiercely, and she was not the same person in front of me. I watched her light the fire, about to cry out, she sniffled hard, did not even look at me, just coldly said: “Why are you so nervous? What am I to you? If you want to be good to me, give money to me.”

After the end of her lying on the bed for a long time, I shook her shoulders and begged her, she was a little more gentle, said she was just playing, will not be addicted to, I said: “What kind of men have you been with ah? Do not know the consequences of this line of work?” She laughed and answered me, “What else can I do?”

After her spirit was better, she was a little happier, got up, opened the closet, took out two sets of children’s clothes, compared them on her body, and asked me if they looked good, they were bought for her children. She looked in the mirror and laughed and jumped, and then she even put the children’s clothes on her body, and she was able to wear them, and then asked me to look at them.

I looked at her, my tears hadn’t fallen yet, she’d become such a person since I’d walked out of this doorway that night, and I didn’t care if I’d caused it or not, I couldn’t accept it.

She fled away every time I tried to hold her, sometimes hollering fiercely for me to stay still, and finally reaching out her little hand to me. It was a little disgusting to see this hand, changing from the gentle little hand I used to hold, to a dirty little hand that only knew how to ask for money, but I put the money on top of the little hand, which was immediately withdrawn, and I stepped out of the doorway to the sound of her vague promises that she wouldn’t use the money to buy drugs.

Late at night Miscellaneous advised me not to go looking for her, because nothing else mattered, but fifty grams of drug possession was enough to shoot. I knew the weight better than he did, but I wasn’t thinking about that, I kept thinking, what’s going on? How did things get like this? How did she get like this?

Later she was a little nicer to me, talked a little more, and let me go to her, but every time I went there I just went to see her for a short time, then put the money in her hand and said goodbye. That period of time is very chaotic, she said that there are things at home, the money in the drawer and give someone to steal; cousin to get away from her former boyfriend, and miscellaneous brother together, miscellaneous brother will be her head, so that she can in front of their wives and their own make out; the company and the snack bar business is not good, I and miscellaneous brother all day long sad face, busy to get money to pay the rent, tear down the east wall to make up for the west wall; the world cup soccer match is also approaching.

I still often CALL her, still want to know her situation, she went back to her hometown trip, returned to find a man to live together, I heard that the man is not bad for her, moved home and rarely look for me. Then there are rumors that she owes her cousin’s money is not paid back, cousin everywhere looking for her, but also looking for me; and then there is a snack bar poorly run suddenly closed down, miscellaneous brother owes tens of thousands of dollars do not know where to go, and even took the cousin’s money before leaving; cousin wandering back to the original city, occasionally give a phone call to me to ask if there is no news of them, and then sighing.

I didn’t have much to think about at the time, because shock after shock, blow after blow was fresh, and I was so busy seeing what was going on that I had forgotten she even existed.

Until close to my birthday, she suddenly came to the phone, crying, said she had just had a fight with a man, the man left, she had nothing, no relatives, no friends, no one cares, no one to comfort. I said, “If you’re tired, come back.” She cried louder. She cried louder and I let her cry.

September 17, 1998

This year’s birthday was very festive and a bit of a punchline. I had my birthday with my current boss, who didn’t call any of his friends, while a whole bunch of my friends showed up. She surprised my friends when she showed up because they had assumed I was done with her.

She was dressed svelte and bashful that night, she didn’t sing, she paid close attention to what my friends said and how they looked, she paid close attention to the girls around me, she didn’t notice my new girlfriend. She sat on my lap and took a picture with me, she was still my hostess, and there was a sentimentality as I wrapped my arms around her, a mixture of emotion and heartache.

During that time she went out to smoke alone, and a girl friend of mine talked to her outside, and then asked me to accompany her, and when I was with her she said nothing but stared at the dance floor downstairs. When the music started to play, we danced. She and I danced to “Rumba”, “Cowboy”, “Cha Cha Cha”… We were the most attractive couple on the dance floor that night.

She excused herself while I drank a lot of wine, I asked her to wait a while, she didn’t wait and walked right out, I left everyone behind me and rushed down the stairs to see her off.

I was so dizzy in the car lying on her lap without talking, she also drank a lot, leaning there squinting, I stuffed her some money, asked her to go home alone, halfway out of the car, back to the company. Soon after lying down, I received a call that she had arrived home, and she yelled loudly on the other end of the phone, “You’re so good to me! I want to be your girlfriend! Always be your girlfriend!” I replied: “Then do it.”

She certainly didn’t become my girlfriend again, because her man looked for her, and I certainly didn’t have the luxury of asking her to come back, and my feelings for her have been winding down. In fact, all of us are tired for a long time, both will be too much time and energy spent on digesting their own pain, both will not have more strength and courage, and will not have much more fantasized out of the future.

Later, my girl friend told me that she said to her that night, “I’ve met many good men who treated me like him, but I always felt sorry for them and couldn’t grasp…”

In November, she invited me to visit her in her new home, and I went, and everyone was very polite, and her new home was much nicer than the one she used to have, which was of course rented and retired. I remembered how passionately she discussed whether it would be a good idea to sell the house or not, and if so, at what price. And if so, at what price? When she saw that I didn’t believe her, she even shouted and showed me the real estate certificate, and there was a faint sourness in her heart.

I don’t hate her at all, it’s good for people to have fantasies, and why shouldn’t they be beautiful even if it’s a woven rainbow with the love of their life?

December 9, 1998

On this day, she said she was sick and I went to send her money.

My own money had actually run out a long time ago, so I ran to the company safe and pulled out some money, then locked the door to the office and went to her.

The sun was very fierce, and I finally saw her with a pale face after sitting in the car for more than an hour and then waiting downstairs for almost half an hour. She and her female companion had just returned from a lunch out, and she said she couldn’t eat anything but a little bit of thin rice.

This was the third time I came to her new house, and when I walked into the house, I found that nothing had changed, the only thing missing was the slippers worn by the man. She said that the man didn’t want her anymore and stopped giving her money, so she had to bear all the living expenses and send money to her children by herself, plus she started to have stomach pains at this time, so she had no choice but to look for me.

Into her room, I looked at the table the photo of her and the man tightly embraced together; listening to her say she usually how to feed the fish tank that the two goldfish she and the man to buy the fish, buy fish when the man said that one is her, the other is him; accompanied her to cry that man how to abandon her, how much to say to break her heart words.

Surprisingly, I wasn’t even a little bit jealous, I just watched her quietly and hugged her at the right time, and I realized that she had really lost a lot of weight, was emaciated, and had dark circles under her eyes.

Then I took the money out and she took it and hid it under her pillow. She said that her stomach had begun to ache again, and that she wanted to sleep, so she lay down, and I lay down too, right beside her. She turned to me after a while and asked me to hold her, the color of her face paler. So I held her, holding her gently. She told me to hold her tighter, which I did.

It was hot and there was no air conditioning in the room, she was breathing painfully hard in my arms and I held her close, encircling her face, her shoulders all around me with my chest, she was still moaning in pain and I slowly closed my eyes.

After a long time, she finally got a little better, opened her eyes to look at me, stroked my eyelashes, then took my hand and put it on her breasts, which were plump but now looked flat, and laughed eatenly, saying that due to too much sex, this place she was most proud of was all gone and flabby for those smelly men.

I realized that at this time I surprisingly did not have the slightest desire to have sex with her, every time I saw her before I was incredibly impulsive, but now I do not have. I just think the light in the room is too dark, she has always kept the window  covered solidly, she is afraid of the sun.

Then it began to grow dim, and I sat on the edge of the bed doing menial womanly things with her, talking to her. Occasionally I’d brush up her hair, stare at her dully, and kiss her on the mouth, and she’d look at me submissively and smile, a slightly bitter smile.

I was about to go out to get dinner when her lady friend from the neighboring room dropped off a boyfriend and came over to see us and somehow got to talking about menstruation. She suddenly lifted up her shirt, exposing her nipples, and said she had milk coming out lately.

Her female companion asked her if she had gotten her period yet, and she stopped talking. Her date looked at me a little awkwardly and backed out.

I chided her for being so inattentive, it’s you who suffers in the end with these things, even if you cater to a man however you can. She smiled and hugged me, telling me not to worry, and at that moment I felt her body soft as mud.

Then I went downstairs to buy food, I found that the market outside the neighborhood was really noisy, so noisy that I couldn’t bear it, it was hard to wait for a few boxed lunches in such a noisy market in such a mood, I put up with it for nearly twenty minutes.

When I got back to the house, they had both finished their baths and were sitting in the hall, so they started eating. She had a very poor appetite and only ate a little of the food, and mine wasn’t good either, so soon they both put down their chopsticks. I knew the time to part was coming and went out on the balcony alone to smoke while she went back to her room and started putting on her makeup.

By the time I finished my cigarette, her makeup was about to be done. I stood behind her and watched as she finished applying her lipstick, curling her eyelashes, and then brushing her hair up, and that’s when I once again realized how beautiful she was, and it was as if I was once again looking for the person I was when I first met her. She saw the gleam in my eyes in the mirror and her face suddenly lit up as well, smiling sideways at me.

As I opened my arms, she just came back and jumped into my arms and I said, “You’re so beautiful.” My eyes filled with tears as she rubbed her head against my shoulder.

I remember the awkwardness of ignoring each other the first time I met her, how she said it was so comfortable when I held her hand and ran through the windy streets, how I played the piano alone in her empty house, and how surprised she looked when I brought her home to meet my parents for the first time…

It’s all far, far away, I don’t dare to remember those unhappy days, in fact, when we were together, there would always be more pain.

I told her, “Don’t go to work tonight, take a night off.” Her body immediately stiffened and she said, “You’re supporting me?” She turned her head and continued to make up. I stood by the side, quietly, I can not support her.

She found a motorcycle to go to work far away, she was about to throw herself into the arms of a man I don’t know, I opened the door of a cab, she was on the motorcycle innocently saluted me, then the motorcycle was far away, and the cab drove away, I don’t know whether it was me who was sending her off, or she who was sending me off.

The cab driver laughed and said to me, “Your girlfriend is so funny, she salutes when she leaves, I like it.”

I lifted the corners of my mouth to make it look like a smile, the wind was blowing in as hard as it could out the window, I took off my glasses, I wouldn’t shed a tear because I had no more tears to shed.

The car flew away from the back of the place, she was naturally farther away as she was going in the opposite direction from me, and I tried to relax as much as I could in my seat, my head hurting.

A lot of people think they are dirty, I don’t. I don’t think I fully empathize with their hardships and struggles, and I certainly know the place that money has in many people’s minds. While I believed her, I also knew that they couldn’t possibly explain their failure to return your call as a direct result of her being in another man’s bed, and I could barely tell how much of her moaning underneath me came from the heart.

I just know that women, are clean, especially in the hearts of the men who love them, and they will always be clean. The one thing I extremely regret is that she, herself, thinks she is dirty.

That night, I didn’t cry, I didn’t go back to work to sleep, I went home and that was the last time I saw her.

In fact, later she also called me once, told me that she did not have money, no longer live in the original place, and now no longer sit on the table, to help people look after children. Her voice is very bitter, very tired, very helpless, I feel her old, I can imagine her as a maid, and finally she told me: “I know it’s hard to find a man like you, but I think I’ll find it.”

When I put down the phone, my tears flowed down, in fact, it’s not hard to find a man like me, what did I give her?

I always felt like I was hurting her more than I was giving. I knew I still cared for her, but I did nothing, my company soon went out of business, my CALL number was changed, she would never have any way of contacting me again, and she was finally and truly a thing of the past for me, and it’s only at this point in writing that the tears are streaming down my face.

These are a few words I said to my boss late one night: “Actually, she hasn’t done a single thing wrong to me from the beginning to the end.”

“No matter what she did to me, I shouldn’t have left that night like that, said a word like that, shouldn’t have even called a lady to her face, and I’m not sure I can say if that hurt her or not, but my heart really hurts.”

“And what have I given her? It was her profession, and her profession was supposed to be taking money out of men’s pockets, and I did say I would marry her, but did I really do it? What did I make her believe? What did I use to make her keep her virginity for me?”

“It’s because she’s in this business that I suspect her of everything; it’s because that’s how I know her that she doesn’t trust me.”

“Until the end, I didn’t know if she ever really loved me or not…”

This was the moment I knew.

When all the past has been shattered into nothingness, let me lift my lyre again and sing this song for her.

I don’t know why you’re far away, I don’t know when I’ll have a rival again, my mind and body are only adapted to you, I don’t have the strength to turn back.

I don’t know why you let go, I just know that I’ve been used to holding you for too long, and I’m afraid that the moment I lose you in these hands, it makes the movements tremble.

Still remember, this face of tenderness on the left hand, from your hot warmth, consumed in the pillow, and likewise remember, the side of the day pleading, shaking my right arm, and so and parting.

From that day on, I couldn’t tell front from back, from that day on, I even confused left and right, my habits were reversed, I couldn’t even breathe, I couldn’t even open my mouth, and you left, but you were scattered all around.

Since that day, I’ve been in love with my left hand, and since that day, I’ve hated my right hand. Why can’t I find the strength to hold on to this little spark? The sky is high, the sea is deep, what is there to have…?

[End of text]

shatter the void

February 10, 2000, early morning, reworded