Confessions of a Passerby: First of all, thanks to the internet for giving me a place where I can be real. Furthermore, thank you to those who are interested in listening to what I have to say.
(i)
When I was very young, before I went to school, I used to see some of my peers older than me fiddling with his penis and squirting a little bit of white liquid. I was just a little curious about it, but not interested and didn’t understand why they were enjoying it.
I have a cousin who is three years older than me, who loves to take me for a ride and always asks to be dismissed for telling her yellow stories that she has heard from boys. Once when we were hiding under the blanket and telling stories, she suddenly hugged me and asked me to dismiss her bottom and said she would dismiss my penis. I didn’t know what there was to dismiss down there, and it was a place for peeing, so I dismissed her, despite all her coaxing. But I looked at her there (below her belly) and found that it was bare, like a chicken’s butt with its hair removed, and there was nothing there, so I lost interest.
Until years later, I always thought that the girl’s one grew in the front because I always thought that growing in the front seemed closer to where I was.
Even though I didn’t do anything, my cousin asked me not to tell an adult. But soon, I told her brother (my cousin) because I asked her to buy me something without getting my way, and it was a good thing that her brother didn’t understand even more.
(ii)
The first time I started to be interested in girls was in the sixth grade. Rei was the class president of our class, very tall and the prettiest. Maybe because my grades were on par with hers, she liked to talk to me. So I always contacted her on the pretext of borrowing homework or something, but that was all until I graduated from elementary school, which gave me a taste of what it’s like to fall in love with a girl.
I remember that a fire in winter was popular at that time, and I used to whistle and feel the love story in Qiong Yao novels alone.
It was a strange time when, despite liking a girl, sex-related issues never crossed my mind.
After I went to junior high school, I left that city and there were no more messages from her, but I thought of her often and started to write some so-called poems. She was so beautiful and moving in my mind. When I was in junior high school, I had the courage to write her a letter, borrowing some words copied from novels, expressing my love for her. But she wrote back saying something about being too young to study hard.
When I went to college, I went back to that city and visited her at her house, only to be so disappointed. The girl I remembered as pretty and tall now made me feel short and ugly, and her speech was not as sweet as I remembered. She told me that she graduated from junior high school and went to work as a factory worker.
Later, she wrote me a letter saying that I was no longer that little boy, very productive and handsome.
She said she ignored me when I was in middle school just because she wanted me to do well in school. She said she read disappointment in my eyes, which she understood, but still wanted to be friends. I don’t know if her words were true, but I didn’t write back.
Sometimes I wish more than anything that I hadn’t gone to see her, so that I could have a nice dream about the girl.
(iii)
True’s first love began in her junior year of high school, which was a rural middle school.
Xiaofang was a round-faced girl in our class, and I often went against the teacher and answered questions particularly aggressively because of my self-importance of coming from the city and my own mischievousness. Whenever these times came, I always saw her squinting her eyes and smiling at me. When she smiled, I felt particularly excited, so then every time I answered a question, I looked at her, and even in class I often looked at her in a daze. So much so that the teacher saw it and told her father (my parents weren’t there for me, and since I had the best grades, they didn’t bother me).
Then I began to write her notes, I did not expect the first time on the very smooth, she did not let me down, we are so quietly “note love”.
It wasn’t until I was tutoring during the summer of my junior year that I made a point of sitting behind her and touching her feet with my foot every now and then, and she understood and tried to keep her feet as far back as possible.
This foot play got me excited and wanting to get into it. That’s when I started masturbating and experiencing orgasms. Once in class, I even put my hand in my pants pocket and ejaculated, which made me feel bad for the rest of the afternoon. However, what I ejaculated at that time was only clear liquid, not the milky white color that I had seen when I was a child, so I guess I was still immature!
It was only when we were living in junior high school that we started dating, usually at night after study hall, finding a field with no one in it, sitting together, looking at the moon, and talking about whatever we wanted to do in the future. We started kissing for the first time, and I started touching her breasts, for which she was very happy, but just wouldn’t let me move the key places.
Whenever I’ve played on a date, I’m always wet in my underwear and feel like I’m suffocating, then I go back and fix myself some before I’m done.
At that time, I really felt in love, and one day was as good as another.
When I graduated from junior high school, I went to a major high school, while Fang went to an average middle school, and I wondered if it was the relationship that affected her?
In high school, she and I saw each other very rarely and only once in particular because of the tight school rules.
That day before her senior semester, she arrived a day early and I went to find her. She was alone in the dormitory, and we got mushy together into the night, and she said I’m scared, don’t go away, and of course I begged for it. At first we said we’d sleep separately, but somehow we slept together.
We both lay clothed side by side under the covers, I was nervous and my whole body was stiff. I reached my hand over to touch her and could feel that she was nervous too. For once, she didn’t resist my hand reaching for her there. I felt her wet and slippery there, and my fingertips touched a long soft piece of flesh that felt like a clitoris as depicted in the book (to this day, I don’t know what I touched, and if it was a clitoris, it was superb).
Her body seemed to be expressing a strong desire, but I didn’t have the guts to move on to the next step.
She reached over later to touch mine too, but I refused. It wasn’t because of anything else, it was just that it was so wet and embarrassing. It was such a wasted night that I’ve always regretted it.
After graduating from high school, I went to the north to go to college (I heard that she also got into a university of some kind the next year). I didn’t realize that I would never see her again, so I wonder how she is doing in a foreign land.
Xiao Fang was my true first love, she accompanied me through my teenage years.
(iv)
Go to college, I look at a girl called Qian, wrote her several letters are not answered, in a rage, wrote a letter to flirt with her to finish.
It wasn’t until one day during my sophomore year of college that I was up in the computer room (that’s when I started to get interested in computers) and saw two girls in the next seat arguing about a problem with Turbo C. I couldn’t help but go and smooth things over for them. I started showing off my computer knowledge to them again, teaching her (the other girl wasn’t interested) to plot with processes and offering to lend her a disk of some sort. When we broke up, I found out that her name was “Rue” (a pseudonym) and that she was a junior in this department.
It wasn’t until days later that I was in my dorm room and I heard a sweet girl calling my name outside, it was Rue. She said she had come to borrow a disk. A few days later, she came back to return the disk and said to go down for a walk. I put on a shirt and went down with her, and although it was cold, I insisted on talking with her. Later I realized that she had been interested in me from the beginning, but had hesitated for a few days to come to me when she realized that I was one level below her.
That following Saturday, it was the same old story. I asked her if she had any materials for the fourth grade exam, and she said she had a lot, so we made a date to go to the computer together on a certain day, and brought me the materials on the way. When I went to the computer that day, I waited for an hour and did not see her, I was so angry that my eyes were red, so I came out, and saw that she happened to come, the machine can not be, so I found a classroom to sit together.
Her hair was down like a waterfall and she smelled like she had just gotten out of the shower. She wasn’t the open type, but seemed innocent. We chatted together and then went out to a small restaurant to eat together. I drank a little beer and got dizzy.
After leaving the restaurant, we took a walk along the lake on campus. I was always unconsciously close to her, and she always ducked away, and we both had an electrifying feeling.
When I got to a tree, I suddenly hugged her and kissed her, but she didn’t avoid it, she just said softly, “Not here.” So we moved to a deserted place, let her sit on my lap, began to kiss her passionately, she did not seem to have kissed, but slowly began to respond. My hands began to unconsciously move to her breasts, she seemed to vibrate a little, but did not resist.
She whispered in my ear, “If you lie to me, I will kill you.” Of course I swore, and I did so from the bottom of my heart. I didn’t expect the first date to go so well, and I really fell in love with her.
We were inseparable for the rest of the day, studying together (I couldn’t read, I don’t know about her), eating together, and often boldly holding hands in the department. We found a safe place at the end of a staircase in the sea-going department, and often kissed there, even in the middle of the day, unbuttoning her blouse and kissing her nipples, and she was just as intoxicated, clinging to me.
But one thing surprised me, Rue wouldn’t let me touch her bottom at any time, not even through her clothes.
At the same time, she would sometimes keep her there against my thighs so that I could also feel her there swelling.
That year, I fell deeply into the mire of love. She also pampered her, she went to self-study, how cold the day, I was on time to send her, pick her up, give her backpack; winter cold, I wash her clothes, even not afraid of the ridicule of classmates, in the dormitory to dry her clothes. Because I am happy, so I am willing.
I’ve always wanted to have sex with her, but it hasn’t happened, either because she’s adamant about it or because I don’t have the guts.
I asked her to look at me there and she closed her eyes.
Once, at my request, she agreed to let me see it, but just as soon as her pants were down to a clump of dark hair, she backed out. One time, though, she felt my pants getting wet and said she wanted to see them, but I didn’t let her.
It was a year that I will never forget, and I believe it was true love.
The summer of her senior year of college, I called her house one night, but her sister said she was back at school early, so I walked all over campus looking for her, and finally found her, and she was studying (she was getting ready for grad school). She came out with me without explaining anything, and we walked to a grassy area together again, and in the grass we kissed and hugged, and I kissed her nipples. She was into it too, she didn’t say a word the whole time.
When everything calmed down, she said, “I want to say one thing to you.” I didn’t think it was a joke, but I didn’t realize it was “let’s break up”. I thought it was a joke because there was no warning or reason. She was very firm and told me not to get my hopes up, and that it wasn’t for graduate school, and then she went back to her dormitory.
I was frozen, I felt like blood was going to spurt out of my chest… I sat on her floor all night, not moving a muscle. Next, I stubbornly went to her, but she ignored me, and when I ran into her, there was no expression.
Once, I found a bear I had given her dismembered at the garbage dump downstairs, which I had run around all day, scrimping and saving to buy… I was so heartbroken that I would have preferred to be dismembered by her like the bear. I don’t know why she did it. Why?
I had no choice but to start studying, learning software programming and specialized knowledge. My grades were much better than the previous year, but who knows the pain and sorrow that I felt…
She has been nicer to me at times this year. A couple times I found her and we kissed and she was thrilled.
She also asked me to pick her up on the days of her grad school exams, and when she went home for winter break, she asked me to help her buy a ticket. When it came time for her to be assigned, she even talked to me about things related to that as well. I regretted that I didn’t understand about finding a job at that time, otherwise I could have definitely helped her find a job in the city, so that she could stay and have a chance in the future.
She’s graduating soon, and she’s been more friendly to me, so we can talk from time to time. I remember one time at the lake, she said half flirtatiously, “If I turn back, can you still accept it?” I was surprised that the ghost did not say anything, she said self-deprecatingly: “Just kidding.” For this reason, I have always regretted.
On the evening of the last day before she left, I had a feeling she was going to come to see me and went downstairs. There she was, fresh from the shower, wearing a blue dress. She said, “Let’s go to your dormitory!” If she had gone, there might have been a story that night. Unfortunately, there were a bunch of assholes in the dorm playing cards that night! We had to walk around campus until midnight. We kissed and hugged, but there was no chance to go any further, and the mosquitoes were interfering!
The next morning, just as my father came to visit me, I did not care, said I had to send a classmate, and ran out, wanting to buy something for her. It was hard to wait until the store opened, but unfortunately I was shy, otherwise, it was the moon I would not hesitate to buy it for her.
I took a cab and ran to the train station, which is always a sad place at this time of the year, where a group of separated students were singing “True Heroes”. I knew her seat, so I put my things on her seat, and then she came. We hugged and kissed in the compartment, wanting to take each other into our bodies… and then I said, “You can say goodbye to your classmates.” And I got out of the car.
A group of people were gathered around her talking about this and that, some of the girls were crying. I stood on one of the far steps and watched her, unable to hold back the tears, so I turned my back and let them flow.
After a while, one of her classmates came over and called me, saying that Rue wanted to talk to me. We looked at each other from across the compartment, and tears fell like rain! She took me by the arm, gripping it hard and saying, “Take care…” I couldn’t say anything, but I took her hand too and just wept… God, why did you make us like this? Why can’t we be together?
The train started and I ran with it, soaked with tears and sweat.
“Yun” is really gone, I like a ghost to return to the empty campus. Every day, I would think of “Yun” and the time we spent together, and when I saw the classroom where we used to study together, my heart ached for a while. After that, I never studied again, and I learned to smoke, and I smoked a lot.
The next thing I knew, my whole person changed, I was silent, and I also started working part-time at an outside software company, burying myself in a wordless process. For a long time, I lost interest in girls. I didn’t love to move anymore, I felt old, it was hard to imagine that I used to be a naughty boy. People say I’ve matured and stabilized.
To this day, I still don’t know why Yun left me. I remember one time she asked me, “What do you think about virgins?” I thought she might have something to tell me, so to force her to speak quickly, I answered, “I think very highly of them”; she then asked me, “What if they were forced by criminals?” I said, “It is better for a woman to die than to lose her virginity if she fights with a gangster,” and I even made a comment about it.
At that time, she didn’t ask anything else, I didn’t care, just think of it as a blind joke. Now that I think about it, it is likely to be related to her own (she later said that when she was in junior high school, there were bad guys who pulled out their dildos and chased after her, and she ran away; when I pressed for the reason for the breakup, she also said that she would let me know in the future, and also said that she wanted to find an honest man to be her husband in the future).
Could this be the truth? If it is, “Rue”, you know what? I actually really don’t care. Now, I’m mature enough not to talk nonsense like that. As long as I can be with you, it’s better than anything.
Perhaps, because I was a poor student at the time?
But “Yun” ah, you know? After you left, I am a student of the monthly income of more than a thousand dollars, a year after graduation, I will be in a beautiful neighborhood to buy a set of two-bedroom house, high-grade decoration, all kinds of electrical appliances are available. More than two years later, my annual income has exceeded one hundred thousand dollars. Although not very rich, but also enough to let you live a well-off life.
Perhaps it was because I was so obsessed with being with you in those days that I wasted my education and you couldn’t see a future? Actually, your initial feeling was right, I’m still excellent.
As soon as I graduated, I went to a foreign company as a project team leader, then a year later I worked in another company as a deputy department manager and chief engineer, until now, I am working as a researcher in a globally famous company. The software I developed can be seen even in the pirated version.
But, “Yun”, I’ll never find you again, and that’s the biggest regret of my life. If there is an afterlife, I will never let go again! If in the beginning I can be a little more bold, a little more forced, and you made love, perhaps you will not leave, and will not have to give me a lifetime of hurt.
(v)
My present wife, I met her more than a year after “Yun” left. The first thing that struck me about her was that she looked a lot like Yun, with a round face and big eyes. Frankly speaking, she was prettier than Yun, and seemed to be more gentle (I later learned that she was not). In fact, after the departure of Yun, my interest in girls sharply reduced, but probably because my wife is very much like Yun, I began to fall in love with her.
We developed quickly, first date, kissing. Within days, I could touch her all over.
I remember the first time I moved to her place (through her clothes), she didn’t refuse like “Rue” and “Fang”, I think she didn’t know how to refuse. Her heart was beating so fast and she seemed to be out of breath, I was afraid she would pass out.
Wifey’s favorite thing, like the girl in front of her, was also when I kissed her nipples, but she didn’t refuse to let me move her other places.
The first time I touched her private parts, I had mixed feelings and didn’t know where was where. I finally found a small hole, barely enough for one finger to pass through, and it felt like a snake’s hole inside, not as smooth as I thought it would be.
For the first month she was willing to masturbate for me and for me to move her there, but wouldn’t let me go in or look. Slowly I was able to look at it and realized that it was not as beautiful as it was depicted in the book. I decided that I had to go in there because of the lesson I learned from “Rue”! Besides, I had graduated by then and was in a good position to do so.
So one day she acquiesced after I lobbied her. When she was undressed, she regretted it and began to duck and roll over onto her back. With an arrow in the air, I had no choice but to dominate her. I do not know where to where, move her ass up, just from behind inserted, feel very slippery. Wife screamed, seems to be very painful, I was scared to pull out quickly, the glans are blood, the bed sheet also flowed a lot. So busy to put away the sheets, wife also went to wash. The first time just so in a panic in the past.
After that first time, the rest went smoothly, and my wife no longer objected, but asked me to wear a condom (really don’t like that stuff).
I realized that I was still thinking about Rue, and I searched the Internet again and again to see if there was anything about her.
When I made love to my wife, I realized that she didn’t have the orgasms that I thought she would, and it didn’t help how long I made them. By the time we got married a year later, I felt like half of my factor was based on moral pressure. Often, I waited until she fell asleep before I went to bed, using excuses such as work, and seemed to be avoiding sex. Sometimes, when my wife moved me there, I would say, “I’m too tired, stop, go to sleep!”
As newlyweds, there may not be many couples like us who only have sex once every half a month or so, but my wife doesn’t think there’s anything unusual about it. She loved me, and although we argued every now and then over trivial matters, it was not a matter of feelings. I found that I will no longer be like and “Yun” together so crazy and obsessed, do not see “Yun”, I will think of her moment by moment, and my wife separately, I came to the capital alone, but a little bit secretly happy.
I really have no reason to say “break up” to my wife, either before or after marriage. But I really dread her phone calls, she talks a lot and I just go “ah, ah” and urge her to hang up.
But I knew that I wouldn’t leave her because I felt like she was my family, my family. I feel like my sister, my father, my mother. I know deep down that it’s not the same as the passion that I felt with Rue, but I won’t abandon my “family”.
(vi)
Strangely enough, as soon as I left my wife, my sex drive was so high that I masturbated almost once a day, if not twice in a row. I would also like to find a girl with whom I can share this kind of simple sex, and of course be friends who can help each other in times of trouble. But I don’t want to talk about marriage anymore, and I won’t leave my wife (unless “Rue” comes along).
I imagined being with a girl who had an orgasm, and we could have all kinds of fun as we pleased, but after each masturbation, I dismissed the idea again.
Sex is a pleasure that both boys and girls should need, so why deny it? Sex without the burden is probably more relaxing and painful. I just want the right to be a monkey when there is no social pressure. A lot of the time, the truth is that we’re actually no happier than monkeys. I wonder if humans are progressing or regressing?
Sex is pure, there are no social, economic, etc. factors involved, so why should it be considered the dirty side of human nature? But society is such that it can only be done in secret.
In fact, I haven’t found one as of yet.