When is the Moon (14) Born Between Death and Life
Min just left, I was refused to attend Min’s funeral, in fact, Min’s parents didn’t say another word to me or look at me at all, I was just rejected.
My broken-hearted dad, in his hospital bed, declared that there would be no more me, his unworthy son.
The bad luck kept coming, Ting was found to be pregnant during a physical, and even though she was adamant that it was my child, the school expelled her. I wanted to go back to that small southern town with her, and yes, I already knew it wasn’t her birthday, but I had already failed one and couldn’t ruin another.
Ting’s parents only gave me one sentence: “If you want to get married, cross our coffin first.”
Ting and I parted that way, and I learned later that she had still given me a son, but by then I was powerless to find her again.
I had no more heart to break, I admitted to the school authorities that Ting’s child was mine, and with the good offices of Mr. Xiao Liu and other teachers, I was put on probation. I didn’t want to stay, but where could I go? Home, no longer want me, Min died, Ting was taken away, I stayed, here, perhaps even let the world’s condemnation to alleviate my sins.
Rebellion!
I don’t have any more friends.
All the girls in the school know that I killed Min. And the guys, who would want to befriend a bastard son of a bitch like me? I fell from the top of everyone’s list to the bottom of the earth. People shunned me and I understood, and tried not to be a pain in the ass as much as possible.
The only thing that hasn’t deserted me are books, literary books, ha, in the mood? Only professional books or can make me forget the world for a while.
The hotter the weather gets, the colder my heart gets.
I make as much time as I can for reading, but classrooms eventually close. At night, I roam the campus with a cigarette and a bottle of wine. I can get drunk, but I hope to be drunk for a long time, not wanting to wake up.
The wind picks up, and the beans rain down in a frantic, smashing frenzy!
The rain, knocking out the smoke, I drink the last drop of wine, an arc, the bottle will fly out. I laughed up at the sky, so unbridled, it hurt!
Laughing, tears accompanied by rain, can’t tell, what’s rain and what’s tears. I shriveled up like a pile of mud. Lying in the rain, letting the rain wash away my endless sins.
An umbrella, held over my head. It was Shaw, she didn’t say anything.
I would climb up, silent, and stagger out of the campus, leaving behind a depression in the rain.
A scattering of cars, accompanied by a haze of lights, whizzed by on the rainy night’s streets. I stumbled and fell into an oncoming sports car.
The car pulls up in front of me and I bend my body down, so tired I need to lean.
“You’re looking for death, ramming into your aunt’s car!”
“Huh, why you?” I squinted, but it was the Great Hundred Spirit.
She helped me into the car and sped off.
When I opened my eyes again, I was in a villa, opulent, modern and chic, with all the things I should have and all the things I shouldn’t have.
I cruised around and my eyes were drawn to a woman who was so familiar and couldn’t remember who it was.
“Little brother, you’re awake. You’re so heavy, people can barely lift you.”
I barely gathered my spirit and recognized her, surprisingly it was the Great Hundred Spirit who was in the Examination Corps at the beginning, her name was Gentle Soft.
“Where is this?”
“My house! How’s that, nice, huh?”
“Give me a glass of water.”
A glass of water, sometimes manna, that water calmed my bubbling throat so much.
“Your house? That old man is your father?” I pointed to the huge picture on the wall of her and an old man with only room left to support the center, in a very intimate manner.
“Him? My husband.”
“Pfft!” A mouthful of water sprayed out: “Your husband?”
“Yeah, we’re not married yet, but we’re close. He’s older, but he’s rich.”
“You haven’t graduated yet, have you?” I changed the subject.
“Six months to go.”
“…” I felt tired and didn’t want to say anything more.
She came up to me: “Little brother, are you okay?” Her hands started rubbing my body, I felt a little bored and pushed her away.
“What, embarrassed? It’s not like you haven’t done it before.” She stuck around again, “Or are you afraid that people will find out and ruin your reputation?”
Scared? I’m scared, my ass! I’m already notorious. The remorse, dissatisfaction, and repression that had built up in my heart surged up at once.
I grabbed her hair and backhanded her, slapping her across the face, “Well, you’re willing to be fucked, so what’s my complaint?”
She didn’t flinch, but instead her eyes glowed: “Come on, little brother.”
I pounced on her, ripped her clothes off, and pinned her down on the low table, where she lay on her back like a dog. I pulled out my lance and, without any foreplay at all, thrust straight in from behind. At first, there wasn’t much water, and she was a little dry there, but soon, she secreted a lot, and she began to howl, as if she was having a good time.
I wasn’t practicing any technique, just powerful thrusts, each one deep and many pull outs. When I thrust inward, she gasped, and when I pulled out, she inhaled vigorously. Lust rolled down her thighs. Every time I pulled out, I always brought out a lot of water in a steady stream. My hands explored her chest, grabbing those two meatballs and kneading them hard. She screamed even more.
I felt myself coming and sped up my thrusts. She felt it too: “Don’t, don’t cum in it.”
I ignored her and vented into her.
I was paralyzed on the floor, both eyes staring straight up at the ceiling. She pressed up, was kicked away, and pressed up again, and I didn’t move.
“You’re awesome, you’re the strongest person I know.”
“You’re a fucking bitch!”
“Ha, these days, women are not cheap, where is the money? Like the old man I’m with now, two minutes at a time.
But the house, the car, the beautiful money, isn’t it all mine?”
I felt extremely sick, not to him, but to myself.
Living, after all, is harder than dying.
=Ananda. I have told thee of all that thou lovest to call thy will, etc.
If there is a harmony, there must be a separation. If you stay in a meeting for a long time, you will be destroyed.
the Great Compassion Sutra
= When is the bright moon (15) Selling your body
“Hello, Light.
I hope you receive this letter, which I have sent by all means. I don’t expect you to forgive me. I know that you hate me in your heart, it was me who cheated you, it was me who killed Min. I don’t know how to explain, I don’t know how things could be like this. I just love you so much that I can’t stand to share you with anyone else. Unfortunately, it was too late when I realized I loved you. I realized even later that I was jealous of her.
I’ve sentenced myself to life imprisonment, a life sentence of the mind, and I won’t contact you again because I can’t face you, face myself.
The baby, I’ll have it. No one can stop it! He’s mine and yours. Don’t worry, I won’t let him suffer.
I can imagine you’re not doing well right now, so if you can, accept a ‘sorry’.
The Ting that used to be yours.
６２７１９９５”
I, sitting in a corner of the campus, read the scribbled, tear-stained letter, and my heart rippled. I wasn’t sure if I now felt hate, love, pity, or something I didn’t even know about Ting.
I gently tore the letter apart and let the hot wind blow it away. I don’t want to face the past again, no matter love or hate, I have the strength and courage to face it.
Another vacation, everyone gone, me alone, no way to make it feasible.
Tap a few bills, my family’s finances are cut off, my school scholarships have stopped, and I have to think of ways to survive.
“You na, is to find ways to let each other in our ads, no matter what method you use, can pull ads on the line. Compensation, there is no base salary, everything from the advertising commission, understand? If you understand, you can start. Don’t forget to take the price list.”
With a copy of E-Square in hand and the blazing sun in my eyes, I got to work.
“Sir, this is ‘Electronic Plaza’…”
“Excuse me, we ‘e…”
“Miss…”
┅┅
With such bad luck, over a week had passed and I was left with less than five hundred dollars, but I hadn’t sold a single ad. I can’t go on like this.
“Games, software to be?”
“Porno want?”
I mingled with the crowd in Zhongguancun, grabbing a bite to eat with foreign women who were pregnant or with children.
“What kind of porn is there? Let’s see.”
“There are ‘The Wicked Widow’, ‘The Pretty Secretary’… so many.” A buyer arrived, and I enthusiastically brought out all the pirated CDs for him to pick from.
“Run, the police are coming!” The man said and sped off, and I ran too, just in a different direction.
After a few steps, I felt something was wrong, my hands were empty, people were coming and going on the streets as usual.
“Fuck you!” I cursed at the scammer who was nowhere to be seen. Two hundred dollars, 25 property gone.
Time flies, there is a week to the beginning of the school year, I set up a stall to buy kebabs also some days, encountered a city brigade once, throw a grill, earned two hundred dollars, only two hundred dollars, the beginning of the school year, my tuition will be five hundred, but also to buy books, food, alas! How can I live?
I set up my stand as usual and began. The first buyer turned out to be Gentle Zoe.
“How do you do this for fun? Let me try it too.”
“Buy it or get out!” I have a visceral loathing for her.
“Why are you so mean to me?”
“Don’t make a mess if you don’t buy it.” I didn’t want to tangle with her.
At this time, a few people came: “Is this stall yours?”
I saw hidden in a corner of the car of the city appearance brigade, pulling up the tender tender: “We also came to buy, but did not see the sale, may go to the toilet it!” I turned to the foggy gentle soft said: “go home, not eat today.”
“Wait…”
I didn’t wait, pulled open the car door and ran off with Gentle Zoe. I couldn’t get caught.
Looking at the table full of delicacies, I feel cravings welling up, I haven’t eaten anything good for a long time. Taking up a glass of wine, I drank it all in one go, and washed my sorrows away with clear wine!
I only have drunken chicken and beef tenderloin in my eyes, without the gentle softness that is secretly displaying itself on the side, not that I don’t see it, but I’m not interested in it.
After the wine and dinner, I got up to leave.
“Why, you want to leave already?”
“Why don’t you leave? Are you staying the night?”
“Why not?” She wrapped up like an octopus: “Why not? Little brother.” Her teeth nibbled gently on my ear, and her hand went down to my bottom.
“Okay, wait for me.” I turned into the bathroom, turned on the cold water, and dipped my head into it for a long, long time. I took off my clothes piece by piece, the corners of my eyes getting a little hot.
I walked out naked and said faintly, “Where to fuck, here or in the bedroom?”
She froze a little, but greeted him, “In the bathroom.”
Water, giddy and wild from the shower, I slowly rubbed her smooth back, her skin was perfect, round and glowing. I licked every inch of her from back to front, top to bottom, outside to inside.
The sharp, plump peaks of those breasts, the nipples already protruding from them, were either contained or bitten, sometimes slowly, sometimes urgently, saliva mixed with droplets of water, covering both hemispheres. Her voice gradually rose, her body began to wriggle restlessly.
Downwards, I parted the wet dark forest with my fingers and picked apart the fat labia, which were pink and fresh, and the nub had swollen a little, like a red bean. I contain to the little bean, obviously feel it in my mouth to swell. Gently picking up a piece of the swollen labia, I pulled on it, let go of my mouth and watched it pop back in.
Once, twice, Winnie’s gasps got louder and louder, her body got softer and softer, and her whole body was completely buried in my arms. Only hand resting on her back, only hand seeped into the valley that has long been flooded into a plague into a plague. Slowly thrusting, feeling the constant spasms there. Index finger finds a small hidden plateau inside, rubbing carefully. She was already losing her voice, and after a torrent of water rushed out, she went completely limp with an “ah”.
I dried each other off with a towel, carried her into the room and mounted her, she wrapped her legs around my waist and kept pushing up to match my actions as I left teeth marks all over her face, body and breasts. Finally, I reached my climax, and after she came again, I squirted my millions of sperm on her face, which was lost in satisfaction, and a hint of pleasure actually crept up from the bottom of my heart.
I got dressed and said to her, who was lying on her side, “Five hundred dollars.”
She hesitated, and fished out five hundred dollars from her wallet on the floor: “Are you sure you want it?” I sensed her doubt.
“That’s right, five hundred dollars.”
I took the money flatly and left.
The night is so still, three or two stars swaying, no moon, no wind.
= The phantom mouse has skin, but the man has no manners! What is a man without manners if he doesn’t die?
The rat has teeth, but the man has no end! If a man does not stop, how can he not die?
A mouse has a body, but a man has no body! If a man has no body, why don’t you go to hell?
Poetry – State Winds – Yongfeng
= When the Moon is Bright (16) Rebirth
As my third year of college began, my mom sent me $2,000 without my dad’s knowledge to help me out for the time being, but I couldn’t afford to continue with the English speaking classes.
Not long after, Xiao Xiao met me on the road and asked me why I didn’t go to speaking class, saying that Larry (our speaking teacher) missed me. I just smiled and didn’t explain much.
Every day, except for classes, I was busy working, whether it was handing out flyers, posting advertisements, doing surveys, as long as there was money, I did it. Gentle Zoe came to me, I ignored her, because I don’t want to turn myself into a ghost yet, I have to live on my own. At night, I am the latest to go back, when others are in front of the flowers, I grab back the time to read.
If the sky is the limit, I agree.
In early October, that night, I went to the Department of books, is going up the stairs between, face down two girls, I do not know what reason, a girl did not step steadily, head on down, I was busy reaching out to help, make a mess, my hand is touching her that slightly towering peaks of the breasts.
“Rascal.” With a red face, she gave me a resounding slap, as I hastily retracted my hand.
“Sorry, sorry.” I was busy apologizing.
“Stinking rascal, stinking rascal, bah!”
The two men glanced at me with disdain and walked away, vaguely heard 🙂
“He’s the one who got one girl pregnant and killed another.”
“Really?”
“Of course, let me tell you…”
The sound faded away and weakened, the drum in my heart got louder and louder, my chest felt like it was going to explode, I barely managed to get out of breath and slammed my fist into the wall so hard that blood splashed out.
“Don’t take it personally.” I turned around, but it was Mr. Liu.
“I saw it all, it’s not your fault, be strong.”
I moved my face, sort of smiled, and left.
On the afternoon of the following day, Deputy Party Secretary Zhang called me into his office.
“Chen Guang ah, how have you been?”
“It’s okay.” I looked down at the shiny floor.
“It’s still okay? Some classmates told me that you were hooligans to girls yesterday.”
“What?” I jerked my head up and my voice rose in pitch.
“Shout what? Is there such a thing?”
“No, really.” I lower my voice honestly.
“No? If it were anyone else, I’d believe it, but you… you were able to get another girl pregnant, and I heard that you were hooking up with two women at the same time. You’re no good at all. You were given the chance to stay in school, and now you’re being a hooligan…”
“I really didn’t. If you don’t believe me, ask…”
“What’s the point of asking? Just admit it honestly and forget about it, you’ve got the punishment anyway, so what are you afraid of!”
“I admit I did it; no, I can’t admit it.” My tone grew stronger, and a nameless fire grew in my heart.
“Pah!” He slammed the table: “If you want to admit it, admit it, I can’t control you?”
“You’re being unreasonable.”
“There’s no reasoning with a rascal like you.”
“You…” I couldn’t even speak, and opened my mouth several times.
“How’s that for being speechless? Admit it and we’ll still deal with you properly.”
Looking at his sneer, I couldn’t stand it any longer, and all the pain, aggravation, and heartbreak of the past exploded at once.
“Just do with it what you like!” I stride out and slam the door hard, “Light dang”
With a bang, the glass on the door shattered.
“What’s with the attitude, what attitude?”
I stormed out of the school, laughed uproariously, and then cursed, “Fuck you ！！！！！.”
I stumbled to Wen Rou Rou’s home, this may be the only place I can come, I slammed the door: “Open the door! Open the door!” There was no response, I kicked the door twice more: “Open the fucking door!”
The door opened, and in full dress she opened it.
“Ah Guang, what’s wrong with you? Why are you drunk like this?”
“Mind your own business, I’m a hooligan, who am I afraid of? I can do whatever I want.”
“Okay, come in first.”
“Hmm? Where are you going dressed like that? No going.”
I stumbled into the room.
“You’re so pretty, haha, come drink with me, big man.”
“You’re drunk, Light.”
“I’m not drunk, I fucking get it. They’re all saying I got Min killed, that I’m a big thug, a son of a bitch.”
“Hey, hey! You,” I leaned myself against the wall and lifted Wen Zouyou’s jaw with one finger: “You’re a fucking bitch and you think I’m a duck. Oh, bitch and duck, perfect match. Haha!”
“Pop!” I felt a fiery pain in my face.
“You hit me?” I backhanded her to the ground: “How dare you hit me, huh?”
I pounced on her, smacking her roughly, and her cries actually made me feel aroused, turned on.
Both eyes glowing, I began to tear at her clothes.
“No, don’t do this to me Light.”
“Don’t? Don’t you always want me to fuck you? I’ll fuck you to death today.”
One of her white breasts popped out of the torn dress, I grabbed it hard, she cried out in pain, I opened my hand, dark red handprints remained on it. My animalistic nature sizzled even more as I tackled her to the floor, ripping off what was left of her clothes, twisting her, hitting her, biting her, leaving marks on that white skin as she kept crying.
“No crying!” I probed and cupped her jaw and she stopped making a sound, but the tears kept coming.
I roughly parted her legs, and the two pussy lips, cloaked in curved downy hair, opened and closed, the bright red tender flesh inside faintly visible.
She went to cover it with her hands and I undid my belt, twisted her hands behind her back and tied them up, she cried out in pain and I ignored it. Turning her over, I lifted her legs and raised them up there, and I bit down. I bit the flaky lips, the climbing little bean, and she kept twisting her body, but matched my movements.
My tongue licked all over the forest, but also explored the slightly open deep valley, the valley gradually flowed out some water, mixed with my saliva, extended the belly flow to the peaks, I also tracked there. Two white buns, trembling, constantly shaking, two small grapes standing up, I contain, bite, greedy saliva flow, I like a baby like fondness for the peaks of that breast, buried his head tightly in the peaks between the two, with his cheeks to feel both sides of the compression in the fullness.
My lower body was swelling more and more, swollen to the point of some pain and heat, and I plunged it into the valley, taking a dip in the stream, her legs folded up with her upper body as I stood, thrusting mightily and vigorously. Her voice was intermittent as I took hold of her slender waist and flipped her over on her back to me, because her hands were tied, there was no way for her feet to get a solid footing, and I felt so good as her body moved with my movements.
The water, running down our legs, I could feel small pools of water pooling at my feet. I continued to fuck, feeling the spasms inside her, and I felt the numbness travel up my back as I came in orgasm, seething inside her.
I threw her on the couch and unbuckled my belt, looking at the blotches on her body, at her slightly red and swollen eyes, I gradually came to my senses, tears fading from my eyes. I hated to see myself turn into an animal, but I had changed after all. I carried her slowly into the bathroom, hot water raining down on my body as I carefully cleaned her and myself, reddening every inch of skin, washing away every trace of filth.
We walked out, got dressed, and after a long silence, I said to her, “I’m sorry.”
I got up to go, she pulled me: “I know you have a hard life, there are many grievances, I can help you?
Whether economic or otherwise?”
I smiled : “Thanks, Road, I’ll make my own way out.”
I left and went back to school, the night was already late, at the school gate I met Xiao Xiao, I saw her anxiety and concern, I stopped her words: “Don’t worry, I’m fine.”
I stepped into the school and in front of the dormitory building, Mr. Xiao Liu and a few other teachers and students saw me and greeted me.
“Mr. Chen Guang, I’ve already explained to Secretary Zhang, there’s nothing more to do.”
“Thanks, Sensei.” My smoothness surprised them a bit.
“It’s really okay?”
“Yeah, it’s fine!” I stepped into the dormitory building, each step so steady.
= The night gave me black eyes and I used him to find the light.
Gu cheng (Taiwanese usage)
= When the Moon is Bright (17) Being Loved
Everyone senses a change in me, I’ve become colder and more silent, I’m no longer as evasive and withdrawn as I used to be. In short, I’m a bit scary to them now. The deputy party secretary, Mr. Zhang, was exposed for soliciting bribes from graduates in the past, and when he was sent to jail, it also relieved me of my anger.
As the weather got colder, I found a job in Zhongguancun, working on computers for people. It wasn’t a lot of money, about 500 to 600 yuan a month, but the hours were more flexible. And people there didn’t know my background, so it was more comfortable.
Xiao Xiao always intentionally or unintentionally meet with me, there is nothing special, are you good I good everyone good kind of words, but my heart is very grateful to her, I know she is afraid of my collapse or accident, she is like the winter sun, not fierce but always warm.
Wen Zou Zou came to see me, we eat together, make love, interaction is more normal than before, she is another safe haven for me. I also gradually understand her, I know she also has a dark heart behind, but I did not ask.
She now makes a living from speculation and other businesses, and doesn’t really need to; the old man she used to work for died and left her a good-sized inheritance.
The time is so into December, Beijing snow, began to fall.
Thursday, December 7th.
I went to class as usual, the first two periods were empty, so I left just as someone else was transferring to a classroom, and the teaching area was buzzing with people coming and going, and I had just parked my bike when there was another comment about me in my ear, and I stopped the group of girls who were pointing at me.
“Class, everyone knows I’m a rogue bastard, but please say it to me face to face in the future. ok?” and then stepped into the school building, not paying any attention to their panic.
The class was so weird today, they seemed to be talking about something or having some kind of activity, only they all avoided me and I got used to it and didn’t bother them. Honest class.
At noon, we went to the department early for a lab. In the lab, I was intentionally squeezed into a corner while they were still discussing something, very quietly and surreptitiously.
The experiment was complicated, but it was nothing for me, but it was a bit difficult for the oldest (the oldest in my class) who was at the door, and after 4pm, when everyone was pretty much finished and ready to go, he was still busy there. There was a mistake, his heating kettle suddenly caught fire, quickly igniting the aging wires, and everyone froze, because there was a hissing, high-pressure hydrogen cylinder next to it, a bomb!
No one dared to move, I do not know where to get the courage, rushed over, cursed to get out of the way, kicked off the boss who stayed standing, shut off the valve, shouldered the hydrogen cylinder and ran, I do not know where to get the strength, in hindsight, I’m afraid it’s the so-called dog in a hurry to jump over the wall. I put the hydrogen cylinder at the entrance of the building, turned around and went back, the fire in the laboratory was already being put out, I broke in and took out what everyone missed inside, the key is my own, I don’t want to spend money on these again.
The fire faded out, half of the lab was destroyed, thankfully, it didn’t explode. In the clamor of the people, I quietly left, went back to wash my face, changed into clean and neat clothes, and left the campus.
At a Sichuan restaurant off campus, I ordered a few dishes and a couple bottles of wine.
Today, my 21st birthday.
I took a sip of my drink and my mind rolled. Two years ago, I was the third in my class to have a birthday, and the whole class turned out for a good time. A year ago, also this tavern, I and Min two, so cozy. But now, the line single shadow only, and I have been driving a crane to the west, the yin and yang two apart, leaving only a million pieces of heart broken me. Sigh, will drink the cup of wine, ear comes Chen Shuhua’s “rolling red dust”.
At first you didn’t realize
And I was a teenager who didn’t know the world.
Love Affair in the Red Dust
Just because of the rush of life’s unspoken adhesion
I think it’s the fault of the world.
Or karma passed down from a previous life
A lifetime’s worth.
I’d trade it for a moment’s exchange of yin and yang.
It’s easy to come and go, but it’s hard to go for dozens of years of traveling in the world.
Separation is easy, but reunion is hard, the ancient sorrow of love and hate.
The heart that should be yours
It’s still protecting my chest.
For only that earthly transformation of the face behind the flipping hand
It’s easy to come and go, but it’s hard to go for dozens of years of traveling in the world.
Separation is easy, but reunion is hard, the ancient sorrow of love and hate.
So you, who didn’t want to go, had to say goodbye to me, who had disappeared.
There are still faint whispers in the world that follow our legend.
There are faint whispers in the dust that follow our legend.
┅┅
“Light, do you love me?”
“Love! I love you forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever, is that enough?”
“Don’t be poor.”
┅┅
“Light, will you marry me?”
“What for? Your father and my mother have recognized their family, can I still run away?”
┅┅
“Gwang, look, what a beautiful flower.”
“What’s so beautiful about it? It’s ordinary!”
“Can’t you see it’s so beautiful? You’re an idiot!”
“What do you know? You don’t even know that people are more beautiful than flowers. You’re the most beautiful in the world, what Xishi Diaochan, I’ll be damned! My wife is the most beautiful.”
“Dead look.”
┅┅
“Light, what’s for lunch?”
“Whatever, what do you like to do?”
“Really?”
“Really, as long as it’s not poison.”
┅┅
“Gwang, you’re still at home, seeing my backpack…”
┅┅
Those eyes those eyes that I could never forget spread through my heart. I gently stroked my left arm, feeling the bite marks there as tears flowed uncontrollably. In my hazy eyes, Min sat in front of me and I grabbed a step forward and grabbed her hand.
“Min, don’t leave me, don’t leave me, you know how much I love you, you know how much I regret it. Min, forgive me, don’t leave me alone.”
Min’s tears flowed down her face as well, and we were speechless as we held hands and looked at each other in tears.
“Gwang, Min is dead, you can’t go on like this. Gwang…”
I could see that she wasn’t the same Min that had haunted me, she was Xiao Xiao. I wiped the tears from my eyes and said sorry to Xiao Xiao, and to the other stunned people in the tavern.
Xiao Xiao picked up the wine glass: “Ah Guang, happy birthday. Forget the past and start over.”
I flinched and my heart welled up with silk warmth, “Thank you!” I drank it all in one go.
On the way back to school I asked Xiao Xiao, “How did you know it was my birthday?”
“I can do the math.”
“Really?”
“No, you used to be the talk of the campus, there are so many legends about you, I just know it.”
“Now I’m in the limelight, only infamous.” I laughed bitterly.
Xiao Xiao stood his feet: “Chen Guang, you can not be like this, you should face the reality, rekindle the courage, Min will not want you to sink like this. Chen Guang, pull yourself together, I support you!”
I grabbed her hand: “Thank you, really, thank you.”
Xiao Xiao blushed, her hand shrinking back, and I was busy letting go.
“I’m sorry.” Xiao Xiao spoke like a mosquito.
“That’s okay.”
We both made our way back to school in silence, and when we got to our dormitory building, I tilted my head to see that none of the three boys’ dormitories in my class had any lights, and it was only a little after eight o’clock.
“How come no one from your class is in the dormitory?”
“Maybe there’s an event, I’m not sure. Go up and sit down?”
“Uh-huh.”
We went upstairs, and compared to the hustle and bustle of the other dormitories, a couple of the dormitories in my class were pretty cold. I opened the door and the lights suddenly turned on, the room was packed with people, men and women.
“Happy birthday!” they shouted, startling me.
The other six people in my dormitory crowded over, holding a glass of wine: “Old five, do not say anything, is a brother, just dry it.”
I took the glass with a trembling voice, and drank the wine with a sharp tilt of my head, the corners of my eyes were wet… =When you touch me like this
And when you hold me like that
It was gone with the wind
But its all coming back to me
When you see me like this
And when I see you like that
Then we see what we want to see
All coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall
But its all coming back to me now
Its all coming back to me now-Jim Steinman-Celin Dion (sing)=The Moon (18) looks back
Winter is here, can spring be far behind?
Because my behavior, according to the school, was saving national property and protecting the lives of my classmates, the school lifted my punishment early. And the class, and of course the other students, began to reach out to me again, and I finally had a smile on my face again. I extraordinarily cherish what I have now, because, I had lost everything.
Xiao Xiao, however, began to gradually withdraw from my sight, making me a little melancholy. But I don’t dare to think more. Because I always think I am a sinner, do not deserve to have any deeper interaction with her, Xiao Xiao, is still the ice beauty of my school.
Life was getting to be as good as it could be. Not long after I was released from my disciplinary action, I helped my boss (the boss of my part-time job) get in touch with a business deal for someone from a county in Hebei to buy 200 machines, and my boss was generous enough to give me a commission of 2,000 dollars. I used this as an excuse to reluctantly invite Xiao Xiao out and go to Pearl for seafood.
Seafood is delicious, and there are a lot of people to eat. I am poor, can only respond to a scene, but on Xiao Xiao and I, my bottom line she also probably understand, this meal, or more happy. It’s getting late, we check out and go, before I go, I go to facilitate the next.
Passing a seat, the door is not closed, the voice from inside is gentle and soft. I stood still feet, careful to see, it is really her, next to a fat head of bald.
“Zoe, our business is successful, can you have some fun with me?”
“Well, Boss Luo, I’m sorry, I haven’t been feeling too well in recent days, can we do it some other time?”
“Not feeling well? I can help you take a look la.” A big hand, rested on Wen Rouyou’s shoulder.
“Ah, thanks to Boss Luo la, I’ll just go back and rest.” Wen Rou Rou carefully pushed that hand away and got up to leave.
“Wait, where does Ms. Wen want to go?”
“I’d like to go home and get some rest, if you’ll excuse me, I’m sorry.”
Suddenly, my view was blocked by a couple of backs.
“Ms. Wen, from the time we started to do this single business you have pushed and blocked, I Luo big head is not a wrongdoer, why do business with you this small company, but not because of you, my little Zoe.”
There were sounds of struggling inside…
“Snap!” The loud bang.
“Mom you , give you face you don’t want, you are not just a bitch? Say, how much for a fuck?”
Inside Wen Rou Rou’s cries can be heard, I pushed open the door, set aside some of the frozen minions, help up the fall on the ground of the gentle Rou Rou: “Go, go home.”
“Wait, what do you do? Get out!”
“Get out of the way.” I pushed him away.
“Kid, how dare you mess with me, Big Head Lo…”
I didn’t wait for him to finish, I casually picked up the XO on the table and smashed it on his round, oily head, and put the sharp, broken glass bottle on his bleeding fat: “Don’t let me see you again!”
I set up Gentle Zoe and came out from the crowd of onlookers and saw Xiao Xiao.
“You, you, go home first, I’m taking a friend home.”
Xiao Xiao bowed her head and walked away, the cold wind blew, and I realized that I had been drenched in sweat all over my body.
I carefully helped Gentle Zoe through the door and set her down on the couch.
“Give me a drink.” Her voice was weak.
“Zoe, will you drink some water?”
“Give me a drink.” The voice was still weak, but it contained a cold breeze.
I poured her a glass of wine and she took a slow sip, her eyes staring straight into the glass.
“You’ve seen what I do for business, I’m a bitch, haha!”
“Zoe…”
“Light, can I tell you a story?”
“Once upon a time, there was a little girl in a small county. She was eight years old, and it was almost New Year’s Eve, and everyone had new clothes, but she didn’t have any. She asked her mother for them, and her mother slapped her in the face: ‘Go ask your loser father for them.’ Her father picked her up in his arms and wiped away her tears: ‘Son, I’m sorry, I can’t afford to buy you new clothes.’
”You waste, I married into your family really bad luck, if other people, is to go to steal, go to rob, the New Year can also buy a wife and children a new clothes. You piece of shit, get out, don’t get in the way.’
Her dad sighed and went out.
The next day, it was the 23rd day of the Lunar New Year, Dad suddenly brought the little girl a new dress, red, with little flowers on it, it was so pretty, and also bought a few pretty dresses for mom. Mom was so happy that she even kissed dad. The little girl was happy too.
At noon, the family ate together, just sat down, broke in a lot of people, a lot of people, all wearing big brimmed hats, ‘click’, and arrested Dad. Later the little girl realized that Dad had stolen money from the cooperative. In a few days, dad was shot, mom ran away with a tailor, and the little girl was taken away by her only relative, her uncle.
Uncle, doesn’t like little girls, and neither does auntie, who has to do the washing, burn the fire, and bring up her little brother.
Her uncle always drank and beat her when he was drunk, and when he quarreled with her aunt, he beat her too. Just like that, the little girl grew up.”
Gentle drink dry wine, charmingly smiled at me: “Give me another glass of wine, okay?”
I fetched the whole bottle and refilled her glass and one for myself.
“The year the little girl turned thirteen, did you know that, Ah Guang? Thirteen is considered unlucky in the West, haha! That year, the little girl had her period, she was scared, she asked her aunt, who ignored her, and her uncle, who had been drinking at the time, said: ‘The little girl has grown up.’
The first day of the summer was so hot, that day, aunt brought her brother back to her mother’s home, uncle went out to drink. The girl in the room to play pot of water, scrub body, she touched the quietly bulging breasts, actually some numb feeling.
She was just touching it when my uncle came back, and when he came in, he smelled of alcohol. I was so scared that I used a towel to block my body, but my uncle’s eyes were straight. He touched my head: ‘Little girl has really grown up.’
He turned back and closed the door, but took off his clothes. It was too hot and my uncle wanted to cool off, I thought at the time.
Uncle’s bottom, however, is holding a black and red thing, thick, underneath the hanging two balls, oh, should be called testicles, but also a jump, I was so afraid. My uncle said he would help me wash it, I didn’t dare to resist, I was afraid he would hit me.
My uncle ran his hands all over me, and pinched my nipples, pinching me so hard it hurt. He rubbed my breasts so hard, so small that they were red, and he tugged on my nipples, pulling them long and then relaxing them, it hurt, but my uncle laughed and laughed in a fearful way.
He touched me down to my peeing area, I quickly ducked back: ‘Uncle, I can wash it myself.’ ”Uncle will help you, it will be cleaner.” He pressed me to the ground, the cold ground. Uncle turned over the place where I peed and poked his finger inside, which hurt me a lot. Uncle even licked it with his tongue, I thought to myself how uncle doesn’t mind getting dirty.
At that moment I wanted to pee, so badly, and the thought of peeing in my uncle’s mouth made me happy.
My uncle suddenly plunged that black and red stick of his into me, I cried out and passed out from the pain. I don’t know how long it took, but I woke up, my uncle was still on top of me, ‘humming and snorting,’ and I felt a tearing pain down there, where I was peeing, and something like a stick was thrusting in and out of it, causing me so much pain.
I cried and begged my uncle not to, and he grabbed a sock and shoved it in my mouth, choking me so hard I nearly lost my breath. It was a long time, it seemed like thousands of years, and my uncle’s eyes were round and his nostrils flared, so ugly and scary, and he peed inside me.
That night, my uncle washed me like this three more times. The next day, the place where I peed was red and swollen and painful, so painful that I couldn’t get out of bed for a week, and my aunt beat me several times. But my uncle bought me some candy, creamy and sweet.
I was fourteen years old when I had my first abortion, and since then I have had many. Seventeen years old, three months from the college entrance examination, I just seventeen, the county hospital doctor told me: ‘children, you’re afraid you can not be a mother.’ I was actually a little happy.
Not long after, I got into P University, a famous university, before leaving my uncle’s house, I sent my aunt away, and told my uncle to do it again. The first time I took the initiative, my uncle was happy, I sucked him off, I licked that rod of his, licked his balls, swallowed the whole thing whole, took the whole whole of his balls into his mouth, and spit them out, and I hummed while I did it.
Kwong, you’ve heard me scream, do I sound good?
I even got a few kisses on my uncle’s glans, he’s such a loser, he ejaculated in less than a minute. Ah Guang, you’re different, you make my mouth sore every time.”
I hated that I couldn’t find a crack in the ground to hide in.
Gentle eyes staring at the wine, continued to say.
“I helped my uncle clean it up and then said to him: ‘Uncle, I hate you.’ And then I cut him off there. He fainted then, haha, retribution!!!”
I felt a chill fill the room.
“Zoe, don’t drink, get some rest early.”
“No, I’m not done talking.”
“When I went to college, I thought I could start over as a new person, but within a few days of the start of the semester, the old man in the department office called me away. He said that someone in my hometown had responded that I was a whore, and he asked me if I was. I said no, he said he wanted to check check check, so he checked me to the desk, hard table, very uncomfortable.
I still like to do it in bed, don’t you, Light?”
“He was biting all over me, I didn’t dare to scream for fear that someone would hear me, he was a pervert and liked to pull out my pubic hairs, one by one, it hurt so much that I had tears in my eyes. He made me lie on the table, I thought he was going to do it from behind, but he stuck it in my other place, how can I do it there? It hurt. I gritted my teeth and held on, he ‘grunted’, I was sore in the back, but the front was running, running all over the floor. When he was done, he asked me to lick him clean. I asked him if anyone reacted to me or anything. He said I was very honest very good good classmate. He wouldn’t listen to rumors.
Toward the end of my freshman year, someone in the department was competing with me for a scholarship that I was going to live off of. I went to the teacher in charge, who had just been retained. That day, I wasn’t wearing any underwear. I was wearing a short skirt, knee-length.
I went to the office, he was alone, I closed the door, sat across from him, I spread my legs, and talk to him, his eyes always drift down, I deliberately crossed my legs, switched around, he looked at his mouth watering, said that my condition does not quite meet the requirements of the scholarship, I asked what requirements? He stared at my chest, I grabbed his hand, put it up, said: ‘Teacher, my chest hurts, you help me rub.’ He squeezed my breasts, so gently.
Kou, you squeeze gently sometimes, but I like it when you squeeze hard.”
“I started humming, like singing. I held him there and he was already hard, his pants were up high.
I touched him a few times through his pants, and I kissed him while asking, ‘Do I meet the requirements?’ He was the biggest loser, and he let out right then and there, but I got my scholarship.”
“In my junior year of college, I met an old man at a dance, Chinese American, very rich, he wanted to wrap me up, I asked him how much he would give, he said whatever I wanted, so I followed him. He wanted to see it first every time, made me get naked, he said my body was a work of art, what do you think?”
She stripped naked and I was surprised to feel too bright-eyed to look down.
“He died later and left me so much money, I speculate in stocks and do business, how do I do business? Let them touch, kiss, bite and fuck. I use my body to make money. I’m a bitch, hahahahaha!”
She suddenly jumped in front of me: “Ah Guang, but then I realized that I like you, I have never slept with another man, you must believe me, you must believe me ah, Ah Guang.”
I held the tear-stained woman tightly in my arms: “I believe you. Really, I believe you.”
= World Honored One, it is a person who does not understand the righteousness of what the Buddha has said. Why is that so? What the World Honored One has said about my seeing, human seeing, sentient beings’ seeing, and lifetimes’ seeing, that is, not my seeing, human seeing, sentient beings’ seeing, and lifetimes’ seeing, is called my seeing, human seeing, sentient beings’ seeing, and lifetimes’ seeing.
Vajradhara Paramita Sutra
= When is the bright moon (19) Rather I be sad
Looking at the gentle Zoe, who had fallen asleep, I turned off the light, gently covered the door, retreated to the hall, rummaged for the cigarettes I used to leave behind, lit them, and inhaled them, choking a little.
My mind was in turmoil and I didn’t know what to do with what was in front of me.
Gentle Zoe’s words were obvious enough, she was in love with me, but did I love her?
I should say that I have never loved her, never thought I would love her. When I first met her, it was simply because I was seduced, and then later, in my disillusionment, I was entangled with her, but I was just looking for companionship, and our relationship was more accurately that of sexual partners, that’s all.
In retrospect, I’ve always had a lot of contempt for her, even though I don’t show it very often. But she also knew that I’d always thought of her as a human bitch. Now, do I have the face to say it? How am I any different from her beast of an uncle, the asshole teacher at school, the rascal at the mall who lusts after her flesh? The only difference was that she was content to have sex with me, that’s all.
But is it too cruel for me to leave her now? Should I add more salt to her scarred heart? That feeling of being forsaken by the world is something I’ve experienced before. Am I really that heartless? Or do we really have no love at all? And how should I face Xiao Xiao?
The hint of sadness in her departure was clear to me, and I had known every change in her eyes since I had known her. She may have a hint of affection for me, and why wouldn’t I? But do I deserve it? Min and Ting, such good girls, have already been ruined in my hands, should I reach out to another?
My fingers felt burned and I shook them off, only to realize that the cigarette had burned out.
The cigarette, it’s burned out. Where’s my puzzle?
It was getting light when a gentle moan came from the room, and I hurried in.
“Zoe, what’s wrong? Where are you uncomfortable?”
“Head hurts, Light.” She snuggled into my arms.
“Take a pill.”
It was almost 8:00 and I had a class to teach, so I hurriedly set out my breakfast and copied her cell phone.
“Zoey, I have class, I’ll go first, call me if you need anything.”
I dragged my tired body back to school, passing by the girls’ building only to meet Xiao Xiao face to face.
“Hello.”
“Hello.”
┅┅
“Is she okay?”
“Her? Oh nothing more, it’s okay.”
┅┅
“I’m going to class, bye.”
“Xiao Xiao, I…”
“Is there anything else you want?”
“I… It’s nothing… Just get to class.”
Looking at Xiao Xiao’s far away back, his heart throbbed with pain.
Christmas was approaching, and Gentle Zoe became like a lively bird, rejoicing all the time. She bought many things for me, except for a pair of shoes, which I did not want. I accepted her, never because of her money, but she didn’t fully understand the little bit of self-respect I had inside.
During my time with her, I always let her make me happy too, after all, it’s better to laugh than to cry. Why do I crave a cigarette when I lie still at night?
On Christmas Eve, Shaw met me, on campus, when I couldn’t hide in time.
“It’s been a long time.”
“It’s been a long time, you, okay.”
“Okay… you seem to be avoiding me?”
“No. Why would I avoid you?” I didn’t know what to say.
“You, are you free tonight?” Xiao Xiao lowered her head and said, that teenage girl’s shyness, showing through.
“Evening…” How I wanted to go, but could I get into the same kind of emotional entanglement as before?
“At night, I have to do experiments, what a coincidence, next time.”
“Okay then, bye.”
Shaw was gone, and I knew that we were completely over, just as we had never begun.
If I hadn’t really fallen in love with you, how could I say I’m leaving?
It’s destined to be a wandering wind that can’t afford your obsession.
I never want to see you again, never let you understand my heart.
If I’d known you’d have to endure the wind and the rain, I’d have known I couldn’t give up.
I didn’t dare tell you because I love you too much so I had to apologize.
I’d rather have my heart broken than you crying, it’s better if you forget me for the rest of your life, I can wipe the tears from my eyes myself, you can hate me or blame me.
I’d rather have my heart broken than you crying. It’s better if you don’t think about it for the rest of your life. I’ll keep my past love in the bottom of my heart.
Leave no trace on your path on mine ever grateful
Silent memories on the road to tomorrow
“I’d Rather Be Sad” – Andy Lau
I, being gentle and soft, was summoned there. When I passed through the city of Jangwa, I stepped out of the car and entered the church, for the first time. I knelt down in front of God: “If you are truly the Lord, let Xiao Xiao forget me forever, I will sell my soul to you.”
As I was about to leave, a priestly man stopped me: “My son, the Lord is with you.”
I smiled, Lord, may you love me.
I pushed the door open, and Zoe floated over with a smile on her face, stood in front of me, turned around, and her long skirt fluttered up gently.
“Gwang, am I beautiful?”
“Beautiful.”
“Thanks.” She favored me with a kiss.
We had a good time that night, or at least it seemed like it.
When we quieted down, she looked at me in fascination, and I looked at her, eyes getting hotter, people getting closer, four lips, sucked together like magnets.
I took her lips and gently pried her teeth apart with my tongue to tease that tongue, and we kissed and nuzzled, hearing each other’s heartbeats, our cheeks burning like fire.
I picked up this lithe lovely, tossed her on the fluffy bed, and with a whine, pounced on her.
I kissed her from her eyes, gently, my lips landing on every inch of her skin. I balked at two erect breasts, soft and white, taking them into my mouth and spitting them out. I sucked on the tiny cherries that were already flourishing, dainty red and mouth-watering. Licking with my tongue, nibbling with my teeth, sucking with my lips, flicking my fingers over the peaks.
Her eyes had become disoriented, her words had become disorganized, and her moans had begun.
My hand, stayed there; my lips, began to search downward. I explored the tantalizing valley, retracted my hand, and carefully parted the curving jungle to locate the mountain stream that was already flowing with a babbling brook, flanked by wrinkled crags, and I stroked the plump labia, stimulating the tiny bean to grow faster.
Her disorientation, my fascination.
A finger, like an advance guard, probed into the abyss, feeling the delicate trembling inside. The water, more and more, the sounds higher and higher pitched, the body, more and more twisted.
I went for that little nub, taking it in my mouth and sucking hard to match the exploration of my fingers.
When I felt it was about time, I pushed my long leapt dick into her, pumping carefully, slowly and shallowly, enjoying the feeling of being surrounded.
I should say that Winnie is very skillful and very good at cooperating, when I push in, she also lurches forward; when I pull out, she also backs up, and you and I go back and forth.
I pressed her legs towards her chest, braced my hands and placed my body as straight as if I were doing a palm press, each stroke deep and heavy, but not very fast. Because of the pressure, Zoe’s voice was a little muffled, but in a different and nice way.
We slip in and out of orgasms, clinging to each other, waiting to calm ourselves.
Softly and softly, she pressed herself into my arms and hugged me tightly. Her hand still slowly in my body to feel, when she touched my left arm, touched my scar, I pushed her away, face became very cold. Looking at her horrified face, I slowed down and said, “I’m sorry.”
I climbed up, lit a cigarette, and the smoke that came out gradually surrounded me… = Speechless alone on the western staircase, the moon like a hook. Lonely sycamore trees in a deep courtyard, locked up in late fall.
It’s the sadness of being away from home. It’s a different flavor in the heart.
Happiness at Meeting – Li Yu
= The bright moon (20) Life
Time flew by, the semester was coming to an end, everyone was scrambling to get ready to go back home, and I wanted to go back, but I didn’t know if I could. I secretly called my mom and asked her if I could go back. My mom said categorically that I could go back, no matter what my dad said I could go back, because I was her son, her only son.
I was filled with joy as I bought my ticket and waited to go home.
The last day of the semester came and went, as our grade finished exams earlier than the other grades and some people had already left first. I also packed my bag and prepared to leave the next day.
At 4:00 pm, I simply lifted some things to take a shower, and as I was getting up, my dormitory’s senior pushed back the door, full of confusion.
“Well, Old Five, brother asked you a question ah. Just now I went to the appointment, and was only ten minutes late, your sister-in-law gave me a face and left. She also said that if I want to still have a naked attitude in the future, she will repudiate me.
Why am I running around naked in the middle of winter? Even in summer, I still wear pants. What do you think your sister-in-law means by this?”
I laughed and patted his stomach, “My brother, nothing, just don’t hang around in the future.”
I thought all the way, all the way laughing, unconsciously, came to the school bathroom before, but met Xiao Xiao. Xiao Xiao just came out, black hair is still hanging water droplets, do not put on powder, it is difficult to hide the natural beauty, more beautiful and lovely. The more I avoid, but I am afraid of being abrupt, talk, and do not know what to say.
In the midst of the chaos, I asked her, “Are there many people?” As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I realized that it was really embarrassing.
Xiao Xiao also smiled, faintly ∶ “I don’t know.”
“Then, I’ll go in first.” After saying that, I fell away.
In the evening, Gentle Zoe called me in to help her fix the faucet. I went.
Even though I’m not a professional, I did my best to fix the leaking pipe, which took more than an hour. Only, because of carelessness, the sweater was scratched. Zoe apologized and I said it was nothing, I was wearing it inside anyway. Zoe thought about it, said out of the next, and left, before going out, I asked her to help me make some ice, drinking with.
It took over three hours for her to return with a bag without letting me know what was in it.
When we had a brief dinner, it was late enough for me to stay in without going back to school. Strangely enough, Zoe didn’t ask to sleep with me, saying that she had something to do and was shut up alone in her study. I didn’t react much even though I was a bit confused, fearing that she would think that I only coveted her flesh.
There was no talk all night.
In the morning, I got up early because I was returning home today. I cleaned up and felt hungry, so I went to the kitchen to hunt for something. As I was searching, Zoey came in, her hands behind her back.
“Light, take off your sweater.”
“Why?” Despite the fact that the temperature inside was fine, I still didn’t know why I was taking off my sweater.
“Don’t ask yet, take it off.”
I took off the already torn sweater in disbelief. Zoe pulled out a new sweater from behind her back! New, hand-knitted. She gently slipped the sweater off my head.
I looked into her faintly bloodshot eyes, which were endlessly tender.
For the first time, for the first time, I felt a bit of love for her, real love. I wrapped her between my arms and lowered my head for a kiss. Her lips were hot, her tongue was hot, her cheeks were hot, her body in my arms was hot, her whole being was hot, fiery.
Does she have a fever? I’ll cool her down.
I lay her flat on top of the huge dining room table and remove her clothes; one, still hot; two, still hot; naked, still hot! No, I open the refrigerator, take out the ice box inside, take a piece of ice, put it in my mouth, and kiss it into her mouth.
Using a grain of ice, I placed it on her delicate nipple, which quickly stood up, and I carefully held the ice so it wouldn’t fall off. The ice gradually melted away, as it was not yet fully made, the ice was a bit hollow. When the ice dissolved, it turned into an ice mask and was placed over her nipples. The plump, tender white breasts were shiny and tantalizing. I did as I had done and put the other one over her other nipple. I sipped the melted water and licked the bouncy, soft peaks of my breasts, why were they still hot? Zoey is hot and talking nonsense, grunting, I place a few more ice in her mouth. I put a few more ice cubes in her mouth. I put a few more ice cubes on her flat belly, and Zoe wriggled restlessly.
I kissed downward, kissing her puffy little bean, nibbling at her bulging labia, leaking! Water gurgling out, needing to be plugged with something.
I took out a carrot from the refrigerator, wrapped in plastic wrap (erotic although the main, but safety and hygiene do not forget ^_^), gently explored that valley. Ice cold carrot, into the hot canyon, Zoe shouted out, I raised my head, with lips hijacked the rest of the shout, her mouth cool very, I lingered in which, Zoe’s hand around my neck. Below, I do not stop probing, Zoe body as restless as a snake.
I let go of her lips and bit down on the two ice masks that remained on my nipples, connecting them with a gentle nibble.
Zoe shouted for help, I looked up and looked around, where are the bad guys, why shout for help? Zoey stared at me with winking eyes: “You are a big bad guy.”
I continued plowing below, wondering why there was more water. I pumped the carrot quickly, the stream gushed out without stopping, the carrot probed deeper and deeper, the soft voice gradually dissipated, leaving only a vague moan. I can’t go on like this, or the carrot will turn into a water pickled carrot, better use my own.
I went deep and shallow, urgent and slow, exploring inside her. Zoey wrapped herself around me and couldn’t get out of the way.
After a long time, we were both paralyzed with contentment. Life was good!
The next morning, I stepped out of the train station, looking at the city bustling crowds, feeling the cold wind whistling in the north, I do not know how to go, a kind of that is to look forward to and afraid of being hurt mood, waved not go.
I finally returned to my home in the center of the city, went upstairs, knocked gently on the door, it was my father, I was about to say something, my father slammed the door hard, inside my mother asked: “Who is it?”
“No one.”
“There’s really no one?”
“No one.”
I let go of the luggage in my hands and kneeled down. Little by little time passed and I knelt for a long time, people coming and going upstairs and downstairs, looking at me with curiosity, I couldn’t feel it. My dad stopped my mom from coming out a few times, and my mom saw me kneeling in the door mirror, but couldn’t convince my dad to open the door. I don’t know how long it took, but the door opened, and my dad said, “Sinful son, sinful son!” He opened the door and turned around to go inside.
The next day, I carry a bottle of wine, with a bouquet of flowers, left home early, to the cemetery on the outskirts of the city. I sat quietly in front of Min’s grave, put down the flowers, opened the wine, slowly drinking, I know, Min is watching me, I know she is watching me from somewhere in the sky.
“Min, I’m here, I’m here with you. Are you okay? I’ll play you a song, your favorite.
┅┅
You ask me how much I love you and how much I love you.
My love is unchanging. My love is unchanging.
The moon represents my heart.
A soft kiss has touched my heart.
A deep love that makes me think about it today
┅┅
Min, I will atone for my sins in hell, now, bail me out. Don’t love me in the afterlife, let me love you. I will be here with you, Min.”
The slanting sun had set, two or three stars twinkled; the moon, the stringed moon, was hanging in the sky.
＝Those who do not know the mind do not see the mind.
If the mind thinks, it’s stupid. No thought is a mudra.
The Dharma is not solid and is always present in the mind
With the understanding that the one who sees emptiness has nothing to miss
Bonjour Samadhi Sutra
= When is the Moon (21) Thou Art Guilty
Time has already entered 1996, the spring in Beijing is a bit helpless, the wind is blowing without fear, the new semester has begun, but many classes will start a few weeks later, a bit boring.
After not being quiet for a long time, I was finally able to rest and didn’t go to Gentle Soft. Every day, get up late, go to bed early, eat more, do not work. Life, too, can be so plain.
I stayed in bed, even though the time was already past ten. I peeked out and made the rounds of the dormitory, everyone was the same, eyes open, wrapped up, stomachs screaming at you, but no one wanted to get up.
Crawl up, from the corner of the bookshelf to find a book “small logic”, that is still I want to be new, think different, or think that I am much higher than my peers when I bought, but really some difficult to understand, never finished. For now, it passes the time.
I collapsed again, lying under the covers, holding up the book, and just turned two pages when a photo fluttered down. I took it away from my face, but it was a picture of Ting, taken when I was a sophomore in college and the whole class was going out. In the photo, Ting was smiling so happily because I was kneeling on one leg and offering her grass, a big handful of green grass.
This is a lucky photo. After Min died, I destroyed all my photos so as not to be saddened by the sight of them, and this one, because it was stuck in a book I had almost forgotten about, was saved by a fluke.
Looking at the photo, I suddenly had some urge to wonder how Ting is doing now. According to time, the baby should have been born, if it hadn’t been aborted.
It should be said that I am no longer a hairy young man who moves on the basis of his heart’s blood. This time, however, I ghosted my roommate and only told him that I was going out for a few days before embarking on the train to the south.
After a few twists and turns searching, I came to Ting’s home in the water town, the ancient somewhat dilapidated green stone road, euphonious alleys, but the incongruous sound of sadness, coming from Ting’s home. I apprehensively asked an old man who was shaking his head and sighing at the door.
“What happened here, old woman?”
“Ugh, sinning, someone died in their family.”
“What? Who died?” My heart tightened.
“The man died, only in his forties, alas!”
“How come?”
“Alas, you do not know, their family has an only adopted daughter, originally in Beijing to study in a famous university, but last year was returned by the school. Last month, gave birth to a child, only seventeen, eight, not yet married! The first two days, people ran away again, her father and anxious and angry, and left. Alas, do sin ah, do sin ah!”
I don’t know how I got back to Beijing, I wanted to be quiet, alone, to the house in Zhichunli. Since the death of Min, the first time back. Looking at the dusty room, open the closet, which still has Min’s backpack. The past is still fresh in my mind.
I felt my heart pounding when there was a knock on the door.
I calmed myself and opened the door to my neighbor across the street.
“I heard the door slam over here and guessed you might be back, and you are. A girl with a child looked for you a couple of times in the first two days, and when I told her you hadn’t been back in a long time, she told me to give you this letter.”
“Thanks for taking the trouble, thanks.” I took the letter and sent the neighbor away.
-“Hello, Mr. Light.
I’ve come to see you several times, but you’re not here. The neighbors say you haven’t been back for a long time, and they don’t know when you’ll be back. I have also begged people to look for you at the school, and they say you are not in Beijing. Where are you?
I ran away from home because my parents couldn’t tolerate our children and I could put up with what they did to me, but not our children.
Kwong, you’re a father now. We have a beautiful son, born on February 21st. He looks a lot like you, especially the eyes. When he looks at me, I always think it’s you looking at me. Because of time and other conditions, I couldn’t take a picture for you. I wanted you to see our son with your own eyes, but now it seems impossible.
I’m leaving so that my parents don’t find their way to Beijing. If possible, I hope to see you again, with my son. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of the kid. Don’t worry.
graceful
3171996 grass
By the way, the son’s name is Chen Siguang, I started it.”
-Looking at this letter, I don’t know if I should be happy or what. I’m a father now, I have a son, shouldn’t I be happy? But does he deserve to be in this world? Do I deserve to be a father? Will a child without a father, drifting with his mother be happy? I don’t know. I have a terrible headache.
＝I’ll send them to the Buddha-less world, the Buddha world, and the five turbid worlds. If there are any of the five evils in this world who destroy the law and slander the saints and even cut off the roots of goodness. Those who study the Vajrayana and break the precepts are in great sin. They burn out the good heart and lose the good path. They fall into the swamps of life and death. They walk in the mountains of sin. Such sentient beings number in the hundreds of millions. The Buddha speaks to them all in one day. The Lamentations Sutra
＝I wonder if there is a Buddha who can enlighten me and relieve me of all my sins. It is as if someone is saying in my ears, “Your sins are so deep that you will be sent to hell in Abyss and suffer immeasurably.” If I could, I would like to serve the Buddha with my body to offset the suffering I have brought to others. Unfortunately, this is not possible.
When I returned to school, the department was looking for me because one of my papers, which I had written while helping a professor in the department to do an experiment, had been published in a national academic journal, which was the first time in the last twenty years or so in our school. The department was so proud of me that they took pictures of me, honored me, and gave me a prize. Friends and classmates, known and unknown, came to congratulate me, but not Xiao Xiao. Think about it, a year ago, I was also the school favorite, more than half a year ago, I was still everyone shouting, and now, again, the wave peak. And I feel nothing.
Leaving the hustle and bustle of the crowd, I quietly walked on the night road in Beijing, without any purpose. On my way, there was Xiao Xiao, and a tall young man, Xiao Xiao holding flowers. Before they could spot me, I quickly turned into another road…
= When all the people left me you advised me to be patient.
And to stay with me through the longest winter of my life with such generosity.
You want me to be quiet and calm when all the people are leaning on me.
It seems to know that I have a restless heart that’s prone to action.
I let a thousand hands wave in front of me.
I finally have a thousand warm smiles.
I finally got the crowd to be impressed.
And I forgot to tell you that you’ve always been in my heart.
Ah, I finally lost you in the crowd.
I finally lost you when for the first time in my life I felt honored.
I finally lost you in the crowd.
I finally lost you when for the first time in my life I felt honored.
As the applause raged around like a tidal wave
I see the tears of sadness in your eyes.
I Finally Lost You – Zhao Chuan
= Can I just say goodbye to Bitter Gourd because I suddenly had something on my mind and couldn’t continue posting at Won Won, and does it end there? I don’t know.
Bitter melon was originally mixed in the next door political version, intentionally or unintentionally, here to write some stuff, but also Xing have many users to support, thanks a lot.
Now, Bitter Gourd has encountered some things that must be dealt with, when and whether they can be solved completely? After the solution, there is still no energy to continue to post here, I do not know, originally wanted to write something else for the Decalogue, and now also did not finish, alas, more said no intention, this is the temporary goodbye forever goodbye?
Things are unpredictable and change like a cloud.
bitter gourd
１３１２２０００
When is the Moon (22) Letting Go
I don’t know why things change so often that I can’t get a handle on them, and there’s some defensiveness.
Ben has been living calmly for a period of time, in school, study well, every day. And gentle and soft, but also quite happy, I should say also happy, I have been through too much wind and rain, for a calm life, I enjoy, but also cherish. I every weekend, with her together, she also try to behave more gentle lady, perhaps, we will have a result. I have once again Xiao Xiao from my heart forcibly erased.
Lately, however, Gentle Zoe has begun to be a little restless. She likes to play, she likes to go to the mall, she likes to dance, and I, on the other hand, don’t like any of that, and I’m a little lazy, but I still go with her as much as I can, and I don’t show any impatience or resentment.
It’s easy to love and hard to get along.
Gentle and soft I get along relatively well, we are very considerate of each other, almost no quarrels, some respect for each other, only, this feeling is a little ethereal, I feel a little tired, as if living in the clouds can not step on the ground feeling.
Recently, however, I’ve been busy helping my teacher with experiments, so I haven’t gone out with her for two or three weeks in a row, and I’ve rarely contacted her.
That, an ordinary weekend in May, the weather is very good, I do not have experiments to do, I once again came to Wen Zouyou’s home, open the door but no one, I pour a cup of water, a person to watch TV, from the cartoon, to see goodbye. Wen Rou Rou did not come back, I call her cell phone, the phone is at home. I had to be alone to simply wash down, sleep.
I got up early the next morning, she wasn’t back yet, and I wandered off to fix myself breakfast.
Probably not fully awake and clumsy, I accidentally cut my hand while cutting an apple for juice. I looked around for duct tape but couldn’t find any. However, I saw a full box of condoms in the bottom drawer of her dresser, something I’ve never used because I’ve never been a messy person and I don’t like the feeling of spacing out. Thinking about some of her past experiences, I had left it alone, I assumed it was left over from then and didn’t care too much about it, but I was careful to put it back in its original place, and tried to fix as much as I could of what I had changed.
Throughout the morning, I didn’t completely ignore it, I just wondered if she was really fit to be my wife. It’s something I’ve been thinking about lately, since she has mentioned it. I’m just not sure how I feel about it yet, and it’s crucial to know if I can really forget everything about her past, and if my parents would be able to accept such a daughter-in-law.
I was a little worried when Gentle Zoe didn’t come home or call all weekend. However, I had no idea what friends she had, and I realized that I had never been in touch with her circle, and I didn’t know why.
Monday, I rushed back to Gentle Zoe’s house after class, opened the door and saw messy clothes on the sofa, I softly entered the bedroom, Gentle Zoe was sleeping soundly. I closed the door, went out to buy some food, and came back to cook. It was about 7:00 p.m. when I finished the meal and waited for Renegade. There was a sound coming from the bedroom, I knew she woke up, and sure enough, she ran out barefoot, and stuck into the bathroom. When she came out, she shouted out in fright as I leaned against the doorway waiting for her.
“Light, when did you get here? Scared me to death.”
“Me what are you afraid of? Get dressed and eat.”
We sat opposite each other at the table, eating, not speaking. Zoe seemed to have something to say, but didn’t, and I, too, had nothing to say. After dinner, we watched TV together and talked some nonsense, as usual. Around 10:00, I told her I was going home, and she acted a little uneasy.
“Light, do you think I did something wrong?”
“You didn’t do anything wrong?” I felt a little strange.
“Then why did you leave?”
“Oh, well, I have an experiment in the morning, so I’d like to get back.”
“Really?”
“Really, don’t think about it. I’m leaving.”
Without letting her think too much about it, I did, so why was she a little alarmed? Somehow the box of condoms popped into my mind.
“No way, she wouldn’t betray me.” I cheered for her, and for myself.
I was busy for the next two weeks and didn’t go to Gentle Zoe’s, she was upset, but I just didn’t have the time.
June, like fire June. I was alone, to buy reagents in Zhongguancun, against the crazy hot sun, like an old bull pedaling bicycle. In the distance, gentle and soft a middle-aged man holding each other’s waist, crossed into a taxi. There is no mistake, it is her, her skirt or I bought.
All afternoon, I wondered if I wanted to go any further, always, I couldn’t confirm that I loved her.
Perhaps I just sympathized with her, pitied her, loved her? I really can’t be sure.
However, I do not want to make a decision simply, after all, we all go a long time, rely on each other.
I went to Gentle Zoe’s house without finishing my experiment and no one was inside. I picked up her Call machine from the couch, she often forgets things at home. There were a lot of messages in it, some of them were very fleshy, and I knew that she was not innocent. I went into the bedroom, opened the drawer of the dresser, the hidden box of condoms inside, had been opened.
I realized that we are over, and a freeing thought surprisingly bubbled up. With her, after all, I thought I would have to take some pressure, many people knew about her reputation, her craziness, and it was hard for me to bear, and, most importantly, she could not have children for my family, I, being an only child!
In the evening, I left first, then called her to say I was coming, and she hesitated, but was still happy. We ate together, danced, and went crazy late before going home.
She was still excited, as long as she had danced. Humming a little song, she went into the bathroom and pulled me in with her. For the last time, I was gentle.
I kissed her face, her breasts, every inch of her, except her lips. I hold the shower in my hand and turn the water on high, the droplets assaulting her like bullets, and I know she loves it. I moved downward, concentrating on her little peepers, her thick pubic hair, pressed against her body by the water, swaying with the current. I spread her plump pussy lips with my fingers, the little bean was isolated and swollen like crazy by the water, Winnie’s body had gone limp and was clinging to the wall, leaning on me to support her. The water, from time to time, rushed into the canyon sandwiched between those two lips, and from time to time water flowed out of it, so it was impossible to tell if it was coming from her or from the shower.
I rinsed her like that for a long time, she had gone completely limp on top of me, I picked her up and walked to the bedroom, her arms hanging tightly around my neck. I laid her down on the bed and licked her with my tongue, face, eyes, and breasts, avoiding her lips. I licked her white, tender breasts, taking her already pointed nipples and nibbling her peaks with my teeth. She was already moaning.
Fingers, exploring her bottom, my middle finger stroking a dark little plateau inside her, my thumb rubbing her little bean that was already too big for her, I felt the intense spasms inside her. I withdrew my wet fingers and wiped them clean with a paper towel, she was already disoriented, her eyes closed tightly and her body still twitching occasionally. I got up, took the opened box of condoms out of the dresser, and for the first time put them on my already proudly erect dick, which was a little cool and tight, not very comfortable.
I spread her legs, posed them in a line, and threw myself into her, and she grunted, her eyes opening and staring up at me with a pair of blank stares. I pounded away, not feeling too good because of the extra blockage, and it took a long time before I felt my orgasm coming, and she, again and again, peaked.
We both lay paralyzed on the bed for I don’t know how long before I pushed her away from me who was snuggled in my arms, cleaned myself up and got dressed.
“Zoe, let’s break up.” I was calm.
“What? What did you say?”
“Let’s break up.”
“Don’t, Light, I don’t want it! If I’ve done something wrong, say so, I don’t want to break up.”
“Why bother, we’ll never get along.”
“No, we’re already together, and I love you, and you said you loved me, and you do!”
She pounced on me and hugged me to death, hugging me a little too hard to breathe.
It took me a lot of effort to push her away, and without saying anything, I threw the opened box of condoms at her… =Substantially free from all evil friends, subduing all external paths, and liberating from all troubles.
Avatamsaka sutra of the Huayan school
= When is the bright moon (23) I pursue
It did not take long to leave gentle soft, I went to Jinan to participate in the internship, so that I got rid of the gentle soft, and never saw her again, and later heard that she married to the United States.
My life in Jinan was full, I was busy working and studying every day. I really know my lack of knowledge and it makes me more eager to further my education.
I had taken the time to run to Mount Tai with my classmates to see the sunrise, standing at the peak, I realized, what is “will be when the top, a glimpse of the mountains.” I also let my depressed mood much more cheerful.
In September, I returned to Beijing and my final year of college began.
I saw Xiao Xiao shortly after school started, and it was me who saw her, not her who saw me. Looking at the far away back, waves rippled through me. Finding a place and drinking a beer, I needed to sort out everything I had about her. Whether I was in love with her, or whether I could give her up.
Wine, bottle after bottle, my thoughts gradually rationalized. When I first fell in love with her, just because of her shyness, and beauty, said it was love at first sight, but is it love, I want to be more fond of beautiful things. Later, when I was abandoned, her silent support and love really made me fall in love with her. We should have been together, but I because of some reasons and tender tender together, did not expect, hurt tender tender also hurt himself.
I’m too tired from going through a lot, and, with every relationship I’ve had, it hasn’t ended well, and I don’t want to be hurt or hurt someone else again, even if there’s just the possibility of being hurt or hurting her.
I decided to enroll in graduate school at the University of T. When I was fooling around for a while, I made myself unable to get into the University of T. It was my father’s alma mater and China’s number one university, and now, by enrolling in his graduate school, I am also fighting for my father’s honor.
Every night, I had to go to other schools to take remedial classes, and I worked so hard that I knew I would succeed.
In October in Beijing, there is still rain.
I left my math tutoring class at J University much later than usual because of a problem. The night had begun to deepen, the wind was whistling and spreading across the sky and the earth, and the rain, it was coming.
I kept my head down and pedaled my bike frantically, trying to get back to school early. In the middle of the storm, I saw Xiao Xiao at the bus stop. Still she was alone, still the empty market, I stopped the car, looked at her from afar, more than two years ago, also a night, no one, but then it was snow, now it is the rain, the lonely her in the bus station, riding a bicycle I, as if it is a circle, and back to the original place. If I hadn’t taken her back to school, if I hadn’t fallen in love with her, I might have lived a calmer life. Unfortunately, it’s just if.
I hid under the eaves of the house, watching her from afar, time, minutes and seconds passed, as if after a long time, finally came late bus carried away Xiao Xiao, I also stepped on the car.
My head hurt a little and my nose was stuffed up. I wiped the snot that came out of my nose from time to time, ignored the revolting glances of the others, and kept my head down, still reading in the library. There are too many questions, too difficult, my face is so hot, my mouth is dry. I go for the glass of water that sits next to me, empty. I shook my head, but a cup of water appeared in front of me by itself, I looked up, it was Xiao Xiao.
Walking through the silent campus, I didn’t speak, not knowing what to say.
“I saw you, last night at the station.”
“What station?”
“You took me through the station.”
“┅┅”
“I saw you following the car.”
“Never mind, that’s nothing.”
“┅┅”
“┅┅”
“We’re all torturing ourselves too hard.”
“Torture yourself?” I was a little confused.
“Light, I like you and you like me, but neither of us wants to face it.”
I stopped and looked at her with some surprise, a person I didn’t know at all, she was supposed to be shy, why was she so frank and forthcoming?
“I’ll surprise you, I’ll surprise myself, it’s not like me, but I can’t stand it anymore.”
I didn’t say anything, just looked at her.
“Actually, I’ve liked you for a long time, I fell in love with you the first time I saw you. Then you brought me back to school, you don’t know how nervous I was, but it was like you forgot that I existed. When you told me you liked me, I was very happy, but I didn’t dare to promise you, I was afraid that you got it too easy and would give up easily. I wanted to see if you could keep pursuing me, but you and Min got together. That day, I saw you with her at school and my heart ached.”
I remembered the look of mingled mockery and loss.
“Later, when something happened to you, I saw you alone on campus, and I sensed the helplessness and pain in you, and only then did I approach you again, but you were with Gentle Zoe again. I’ve been hiding and retreating, but you’ve always been in my heart, and I know that I’m in yours too, especially when I saw that you stayed with me for more than an hour in the rain yesterday. Why do we always torture ourselves?”
Things are just too sudden and unexpected, this Xiao Xiao is a little different from the Xiao Xiao I know and disrupts me, my head is still hurting, making me unable to think.
I thought for a few weeks, I do not know what to do, reject, against my heart, accept, I am afraid of the past tragedy again, had been hurt by love.
That’s how time passes, and I’m burnt out on preparing for grad school again.
In November, enrollment time came around and I knew that Shaw had been guaranteed direct enrollment and that I would have to enroll at the U of T.
However, a letter of introduction could not be issued because I had a record. I went to Mr. Liu, to Prof. Wang (my advisor) and to the head of the department, but unfortunately, there was no way to change it, and I couldn’t apply for graduate school at any school.
Alone, climbed up to the roof, looking at one by one running to the classroom of the students, I will be all the examination materials piled up, pick up a branch of cigarettes, cut a match, the wind is very strong, the fire was quickly blown out, a pair of slender hands reached over, the cigarette lit, all the materials also lit, my desire to graduate school also burned out.
Cigarettes, one after another, I didn’t say anything, she didn’t say anything.
It was late at night, the wind was cold, I stood up, my legs were a bit numb, making me sway, and she held me up. I grabbed her into my arms and kissed her fiercely, the strong body in my arms gradually softened… = Who cares how bitter my heart is
Who cares where I go tomorrow?
How rough is the road?
How many bumps in the road?
There’s no turning back for me and you.
I can’t hide my love.
At the mercy of the world’s ruthlessness
I’m not afraid of pain or losing.
I’m afraid that no amount of effort will help.
If everything is God’s will
Everything is fate.
doomed
Can I love you one more day?
I can see you one more time.
It’ll hurt less.
If everything is God’s will
Everything is fate.
No one will be able to leave.
What’s the point of living without love?
（”I’m resigned to this life without love or affection.)
The Will of Heaven – Andy Lau
= When is the Moon (24) Exile
My mentor, Prof. Wang, called me into his lab and handed me a thick stack of letters, all in English.
“Chen Guang, this is the letter of recommendation that Director Li of our department, Academician Hu and I wrote for you, take it. Also, I’ve already contacted a few of the universities I’ve lectured at in the U.S. You’d better go abroad.”
I just said thank you and walked away because I knew that no amount of words could express my gratitude.
All winter I spent waiting.
There were no longer any classes to attend at school, and I used to run off to the suburbs to go fishing, and if it wasn’t a weekend, Shaw accompanied me. Sitting on the glacier, planing a hole with an axe, putting down the line, waiting for the fish to come to the hook. We seldom talk, just you a mouthful and I a mouthful of hot tea, fish caught, then use the alcohol small pot to cook fish soup. Soup, very fresh; life, very peaceful.
I get along well with Xiao Xiao, we just hold hands and skate around, I don’t have deeper physical contact with her, or rather, we haven’t slept together yet, not that I don’t want to, it’s that she doesn’t agree with it, she only accepts the concept of sex as a post-marital behavior, and I’m fine with that because I’m not just acquainted with the taste of meat anymore.
Time went by, 1997 came and went, and all the formalities in the US were almost complete, with only the visa hurdle remaining.
In April, I finally got into the visa office and got out again quickly, after only a few words.
“What school?”
“What specialty?”
“How many scholarships?”
After I honestly told the visa officer that I had a 30,000+ per year scholarship from MIT, he politely and gently gave me a smile.
“Son, I can’t give you a visa.” There was no explanation.
I don’t know how I got back to school. Prof. Wang just shook his head and sighed, but he still forwarded my materials to England and Australia. I was already numb to the fact that he could send it whenever he wanted, and signed it whenever he asked me to sign it. The money, however, was paid by Prof. Wang, who said that it was a kind of payment for the two years of experiments that I had done for him. I didn’t push back, everything was casual, I completely gave up on my future endeavors and let the world do what it wanted.
I used to sit alone, with a pack of cigarettes and a couple of bottles of wine, at the top of the playground bleachers, staring up at the stars and the noisy crowd below.
Xiao Xiao always comes to me, but I seldom pay attention to her. I do not want to continue, one is a future direct student in Beijing, and the other is not any receiving unit, doomed to fight back to the original place of origin of the ragged scholar, how can it come to fruition?
Shaw doesn’t see it that way, she thinks things will be fine.
In June, I was lying alone on my bed in my dorm room, looking up at the speckled boards of the top bunk, where everyone else in my class had partnered up to go to Wutai Mountain and I was the only one left behind.
The door was pushed open and Shaw approached carrying breakfast, my dead fish eyes still fixed on a knuckle in the bedpan, not leaving.
Xiao Xiao fetched water in and cleaned up the messy room, and there was no sound in the empty dormitory building.
She sat on the end of my bed, staring at me in fascination, and I looked at her and closed my eyes.
A warm aroma rushed in, a pair of slightly trembling lips pressed up, I opened my eyes, Xiao Xiao has already Luo Shao gently unraveled, a delicate body that has like a powder sculpture slowly leaned over.
I felt the fleshy, hot, bulging two meatballs pressing against my chest, and my stiff body began to react as I ruthlessly pressed her back against me, and without any gentle foreplay, I thrust my swollen part right into her, despite the obstacles I felt. Xiao Xiao frowned, and two rows of crushed jade shell teeth bit into my shoulder. Blood, from my shoulder, from underneath her, flowed.
I frantically thrust, she is very tight inside, and a little dry, I dry a little difficult, my hands pinch the peaks of her erect breasts, rubbing hard, no pity. Xiao Xiao clenched her teeth, her eyes gradually messy, her nose began to inhale roughly, the blush on her cheeks grew bigger and bigger, and the sweat on her body grew more and more.
I fell from the peak, gasping for air, Xiao Xiao bird-like close to me. I sighed long and hard: “Why are you so bitter?”
“From now on you’re going to support me for the rest of my life!”
The next day, I got all dressed up and found a company in Zhongguancun where I knew their boss and I was offered a position as a salesman.
This weekend, Xiao Xiao took me to her house. In a high-rise building near West 4th, a pale, soft woman was Xiao Xiao’s mom. She was very warm and polite, and after a few sentences of conversation, she let Xiao Xiao go out to buy some groceries, and when I wanted to go along, she left me behind.
“Boy, I know our Shaw must really like you, it’s the first time the boy has ever brought a boy home.”
She told me a lot about Xiao Xiao’s father’s death right after she was born, about her mother and daughter’s dependence on each other, about Xiao Xiao’s being scolded as a bastard for not having a father when she was young, about Xiao Xiao’s head being broken by a boy, about her own infirmity and how she dragged Xiao Xiao down, about how she didn’t have too much money for Xiao Xiao’s dress up due to her frequent sick leave at home, and so on and so forth, and she told me a lot about it. Finally, she asked me: “Son, can you treat our Xiao Xiao well?”
I answered categorically, “Yes!”
We graduated a few days, Xiaoxiao’s mother died of illness, my parents have come to mourn, my father asked us when to get married, so as to give Xiaoxiao’s mother an explanation, I said that when I get the Beijing household registration to get married, they agreed, and left a sum of money, I did not want.
Xiao Xiao and I moved to Zhichunli because it was closer to her school and my work.
Despite the fact that I don’t like my current job, despite the fact that my heart still yearns to continue studying, I work my butt off and perform well, often accomplishing much more than my quota, and my boss thinks highly of me, and the money, well, I make a lot of it, and I have a family to support.
In November, the medical forms came in from Australia and I was a little hesitant because there was no scholarship. Xiao Xiao didn’t really want me to go out either, she was pregnant. So we decided to get married.
At this time, the boss let me go to Shenzhen on a business trip, because the company manpower constraints, making an exception only I go alone. I first ran back to my hometown, opened a letter of introduction to marriage, and went south.
Shenzhen, and Beijing is a completely different place, lively, noisy. I soon found a partner, two look know from the countryside out of the mob, they had to go to the concert hall to talk business, I had to agree.
Under the dim lights of the concert hall, in the noisy singing, in the interlocking cups and chips, I do not know how to talk about this nearly one million dollars of business. The singing voice of the lady on the stage is very nice and familiar, but unfortunately my back is turned and I can’t see it.
The two customers called the manager over: “Invite the lady who sings to come and sit down later.”
“A couple of bosses, it’s fine to let her sit down, but she’s not coming out.”
“No show? I’ll pay extra to see if she comes out! Go call her over.”
I looked at them awkwardly, the fat on their faces so centered in the light, wondering why I was dealing with these people.
The singing lady came and sat across from me and it was Ting!
I was flabbergasted, and so was she. I pushed away the asshole’s dirty hands that were probing Ting’s thighs, ignored their shouting, and dragged Ting out of the concert hall.
Through the flickering lights of the street, I could see a faint line of crow’s feet appearing under Ting’s heavy powdered makeup; she was clearly aging.
Ting opened her eyes wide and stared at me: “Light, you came to me, you came to me.”
I looked at her and my heart ached a little, “Are you okay?”
“It’s okay, son or not, by the way, let’s go home.”
Ting cheerfully brought me home to a small building I didn’t know was there, where she picked up the baby from the landlady’s mother-in-law and we went upstairs.
The first time I saw my son, he was over a year old. My son was chubby and cute, with a pair of big black eyes that really looked like mine. Ting asked him to call me daddy, he closed his little mouth, I squatted down and tried to hug him, he hid behind Ting, Ting asked him to call daddy again, he cried, cracked his little mouth and cried. I don’t know what to do, I look at him my son.
Ting was a bit embarrassed: “Brother Guang, don’t be angry, the child is too young and afraid of birth.”
“It’s nothing, why would I be angry, he’s my son.”
Ting cheerfully went to prepare dinner, I want to help she won’t let me, let me stay with my son. My son didn’t pay any attention to me as his father, he was sitting alone on the bed, playing with a somewhat worn out doll. I looked around, this is a small attic, although everything is very old, but neatly cleaned, I feel Ting is not the same child, my heart is sinking more and more.
Ting, the meal over, first fed his son to eat, but also let me eat, I can not eat, looking at the non-stop wriggling son, looking at the son constantly coaxed to eat the Ting, sweat constantly seeping out of her forehead, I explored the hand, gently lifted up her hanging hair, Ting return me a tender smile.
My son was finally asleep, Ting had showered, her body smelled ethereal, and I wanted to say I was going back to the hotel, but I couldn’t open my mouth.
Ting hands ring up, hanging on my neck, a pair of watery eyes is a nasty me. Ting, kissed up, I responded a little hard.
We uncovered our clothes and I carefully carried Ting to bed, I gently kissed her skin, kissed her fuller than ever breasts, sucked on her nipples, Ting’s soft moans crescendoed into my ears. Downward, kissing the still flat belly, hand, exploring her not-so-thick forest, she was already wet.
I entered carefully, and inside, I was familiar and unfamiliar. Ting, a little uncomfortable, but soon, we returned to our old cooperation and began to go wild. I jerked violently, Ting’s legs locked tightly around my waist, the lower half of her body was already off the bed. I felt the paroxysm inside Ting, wave after wave, like a wave, sucked me unable to hold, and ejaculated in orgasm with each other.
For the next few days, I ignored the clients, I took Ting and my son around, I shopped around, I took all the money I could withdraw and gave it to Ting. However, my son never called me dad.
On my last night in Shenzhen, I took Ting to an opera house. I wanted to sing a song with her because there were some things I didn’t know how to say.
I ordered “When Love is a Thing of the Past”, and before Ting could say anything, I sang, “Don’t mention the past, life is full of wind and rain”.
Even though memories can’t be erased, love and hate are still in my heart.
We really have to break the past and let tomorrow go on.
You’ll stop agonizing over my news.”
Ting hesitated, but went on to sing.
“Love it’s a puzzle to dazzle
It may be possible to forget the pain, but it’s not easy to forget you.
You’re never really gone. You’re always in my heart.
I’m still in love with you. I can’t do anything about it.
Because I still have dreams and I still have you in my heart.
I’m always touched by the past, and my heart aches for you.
Don’t linger on my unintentional tenderness over the years.
Don’t ask me if we’ll meet again Don’t care if I don’t mean what I say.
Why don’t you understand?
Don’t say I don’t understand.
As long as there’s love, there’s pain.
With love comes pain.
Someday you’ll know.
Life wouldn’t be the same without me.
It’s different without you.
Life has been too much of a rush.
I’m so afraid of always being teary-eyed.
Forget me and there will be no pain.
Forgetting you won’t help.
Leave the past in the wind.”
Walking down a brightly lit street, I said to Ting, “I’m getting married, I’m sorry.”
I felt Ting trembling, I saw her tears flowing, but I had no choice.
The next day, I stepped onto the plane, full of fatigue, and as I was entering the security gate, I heard a timid, delicate “Daddy” from behind me; it was my son! I didn’t dare turn around and entered the gate.
Back in Beijing, Xiao Xiao was not at home, I was alone, cleaned and rested.
When I stepped back into the office, my boss growled and called me in, cursing and cursing, and I bowed my head and listened; after all, a very big deal had been screwed up by me, and my boss had casually fired me in a fit of pique.
I went home with my things, and Xiao Xiao came back, but she didn’t bring a marriage introduction letter, because she was under 26 and not allowed to get married according to the school’s rules.
I didn’t say anything, just fucked her like crazy. Crazy. Xiao Xiao, didn’t agree to do away with the baby, so I had to do it.
Three months later, Xiao Xiao, still sleeping on the bed, looking at her gradually bulging belly, I left a copy of the marriage license I spent 4,000 yuan to get, and a copy of the divorce agreement I have signed, 20,000 dollars, and a paper SORRY.
I, alone, quietly boarded a plane to Sydney…
＝The first is that one who seeks the desired place cannot obtain it. The second is that one’s labor is not rewarded.
If this is the case, it is called the suffering of the unattainable.
Mahaparinirvana sutra
= When is the bright moon (25) Seeing the Mid-Autumn Festival again
= To ask what is love in this world is to make one bet on life and death;
The bright moon shines over the world for thousands of years, sighing where to return to in this life.
= I dragged my tired body home, today, mid-autumn. After a shower, I lazily fell into bed and went through the incoming letters, bills, bills, or bills. A letter from China, however, was sandwiched in between.
“Gwang, how are you?
It’s been over a year. You’ve been gone over a year without a word. I hate you!
The money, I got it. Mom got the money you sent. Mom asked me to ask you when you’re coming home. It’s not money I want. I want my husband, my lover, the father of my children.
Do you know what I went through when you kept quiet and left me and the kids behind? Do you know how I felt when I saw the divorce papers you signed? You’re an asshole!
For all the helplessness and reasons you have, can’t you talk to me? We were about to get married and you ran away, leaving me with an empty certificate. You ran away and left me alone with a broken heart. You’re so cruel!
Where have you been? Why don’t you give me a call to mom and write a letter? Do you know mom has aged a lot because of you? Do you know Dad was hospitalized again because he didn’t know about you? Do you know that I went to school with my belly and my marriage certificate to get a suspension? Do you know how hard it was for mom to take care of dad and I had to bring up two kids by myself? You don’t know. You only know yourself. You’re so selfish!
How many girls have you ruined? You’ve ruined Min, you’ve ruined Ting. I won’t allow you to ruin me and the baby again. Come back, I beg you.
The baby was born. It’s a dragon and phoenix, the older one is a daughter, the younger one is a son, one is called Chan Pan, the other Chan Nim. Don’t you want to meet the baby? ….”
I didn’t read the following letter, I looked at the photo that came with it, two silly, round children, both adorable.
I put down the letter and the photos and lay on the bed, thinking about how my life has been the opposite of what I had envisioned, how hard it is to find a job, how high the tuition fees are, how I have to run around, how I have to earn money, to support myself, to pay for the tuition fees, and to pay back a bunch of debts I borrowed before I left the country in order to give an explanation to Ting and Xiaoxiao. I think I sometimes work more than 70 hours a week, and now, I haven’t finished my study, I haven’t got my identity, and I don’t have a lot of money, so I don’t have the face to go back, what can I do if I go back?
Looking at the two chubby children in the photo, I felt a little impulsive. I got up, grabbed the phone and started dialing 00118610… The line was busy… I dialed again, but my hand slowly stopped… Outside the window, the moon was full.
= When is the bright moon? Ask the sky with a glass of wine.
I don’t know what year it is in the palace in the sky.
I want to return on the wind, but I am afraid that the jeweled buildings are too high to be cold.
How can you dance and make a clear shadow, as if you were on earth?
Turning the vermilion pavilion, lowering the beautiful door, illuminating the sleeplessness.
There should be no hate. Why do things always turn out the way they should?
People have their sorrows and joys, the moon has its ups and downs, and this matter can never be resolved.
Wish for a long time, a thousand miles together.
The Water Song of Songs, “When Will the Moon Come Around?”-Su Shi
= [End of text]
Finally finished writing, I know I’m getting worse and worse, after all, my own power is limited, let down the expectations of many users, sorry.
Bright Moon was my first longer work and my only erotic work. I started writing it offhandedly at first, and I didn’t expect to get the support that gave me the courage to write it.
To be honest, writing “Bright Moon” is a kind of pain, there are a lot of past events keep coming back, think I was hiding in a corner in the snow and wind, guarding a girl I like waiting for the bus, at that time, I was a senior in high school. I think of the time I heard her say she was in love with someone else, when I was a sophomore. Think about how I went to fight for her, when I was a junior. Think of how she and I argued and broke up, how I put out my cigarette on the back of my hand without feeling any pain, when Hong Kong returned to China. I think I have no choice but to leave the country in anger, and now, there is no way back to the country.
However, I was also reminded of the craziness of big bowls of booze and meat in college, and even though Bright Moon is an obviously fictionalized story, I’m so dumb that I had to add in my own or my friends’ experiences under adaptations some times because I just can’t structure a story.
Today, I barely finished Bright Moon, and while there may be many who don’t like it, I’ll still say that it, it changed me a lot, even though it’s only been around for a few months, and it’s kind of a reminder of the past!
Thanks for tolerating an article with few erotic scenes and the only ones that are written badly to stay on the erotic page of Gen Gen.
Well, that’s all for now. Have a great new year, this newyear eve, my birthday.
= If you keep the precepts, you are happy and do not suffer.
Sleeping is peaceful and the mind rejoices.
If you recite and practice the sutras while receiving food and clothing
It is the greatest joy to be alone in the mountains.
If you can practice kindness to all living beings day and night
Because of this, you will always be happy and will not annoy him.
The joy of having few desires, the joy of hearing many things, the joy of being separate
The non-attached arahant is also called the recipient of bliss
After all, the Bodhisattva Mahasattva has reached the other shore
To do all things is to be most happy
Mahaparinirvana sutra
= For brothers only
bitter gourd
２６１２２０００
in Sydney