*This story is for my dear J. It’s about seeing this weird world through your eyes.
Reprints are welcome, but please give credit where credit is due and please do not remove this statement.
*Chapter One: White Dress, Black Dress
Wish I was a bird soaring through the sky.
Follow the remnants of memory and fly back to those old days.
With the cry of youth, exhale my chest full of depression and helplessness.
I want to escape. I want to escape…
But… where can I escape to?
Do not want to do anything, Anna will throw the body to the sofa, so tired. Hubby also just came back, home things much, much, and a busy day in the office, a thousand things. Thoughts began to slowly drift away.
The days of white dresses and black skirts carrying heavy school bags are far away, but never forgotten. Happiness is always in youth. It was a time of innocence! Studying for Anna has never been considered stressful, around the dead friends every day there is always endless talk of youthful love affairs, there are always a few handsome boys walking past on the way to school. At that time was so free, a piece of the future in front of the eyes, unlimited space, unlimited fantasy.
When I get up to check on my children’s homework, my body feels as heavy as a thousand pounds. It’s not that I don’t love my children, but I just can’t bear the thought of never being able to teach them. Then I take a shower, go on the Internet and receive a letter, and the day passes like this, day after day. Life is covered by an invisible net. I want to escape, but I can’t. Where can I go? But I am not willing to do so.
These years there is always a lover around to keep, is a very ordinary middle-aged man, not special but there is incomparable love. Think of Qin psychological a burst of warmth, but there is a lot of helplessness, this love is also slowly falling in a stagnant water like whirlpool. Back then with her husband also has love, but by the years of life tortured to pieces.
Qin is very special in one aspect, for example, he always has a kind of motivation, want to break everything to destroy everything. But all his life nothing, like a hero in distress, perhaps there is this tragic character attracted Anna, in fact, Qin is just a big ambition and lack of pragmatism, but this kind of person can always get the woman happy.
After taking care of my chores, I made my way to the computer and waited aimlessly for Chin’s appearance, which had become a dependent routine. When I opened my mailbox, two letters arrived, one of which was from an online friend I’d met in a chat room over the past two weeks… Lee. This person was quite polite, no questions asked about meeting or any other non-stereotypical behavior, and was quite a good person to chat with, making it a stress-free experience.
Looking at the words of his letter to make people laugh out loud, this person is quite humorous and funny, can always make people laugh, the writing is also good, vaguely in the letter can see the image of this person, an honest and not hypocritical middle-aged elite. On his words to put pen to reply to the letter, suddenly the whole person fell back to that unconstrained white black dress era, writing thoughts also fluent up, write writing heart feel a kind of fulfillment. Recently slowly have developed the habit of waiting for his letter, but this person is very busy, but within three or two days will always receive.
There is a melancholy in my heart, at that time with Qin is also this kind of books and geese back and forth, at that time to write as much as some pleasant things. When I think of Qin’s complaints a few days ago, I can’t pick up the mood to write like this. Qin’s love is sometimes like a rope, I have not tasted like vines in the heart like dependent on Qin? It’s like a vicious circle, fighting over everything that concerns the other person, missing each other when we don’t see each other, and being enemies when we do see each other. Now it is almost impossible to write anything with Qin, except for some life, the feeling of freedom in the heart is gone. When a person lives in life is very difficult to fantasize, no fantasy how to put pen to paper?
Thinking of Qin always makes one’s lust rise, because of love! Although Qin can not be considered a good lover, but together when making love can always feel that kind of life and death love. Whenever I saw him in person, my lower body would naturally get wet, and sometimes I could do the same when I thought of his name. Before I met Qin, I had never been troubled by desire, but Qin had realized sex on my behalf, but it also brought me the pain of suffering, and I was always looking forward to Qin’s entry and impact, but the actual opportunity to meet him was so little!
Thinking of Qin’s figure with the ICQ on the small green flower jumped out, read the letter written half, the heart slightly sigh, tonight will be in the meeting in the thoughts or quarrels in the end? Unconsciously looking at Lee’s letter while talking to Qin, the body’s lust was provoked again, said: ‘I want you so much want you, when are you going to come up to see me?
Chapter 2: The Trapped White Cloud
You bring pain and sweetness, harvest and famine.
May you take my person with you, not just my heart.
What’s left of the empty heart is just a shell, what’s left to get through each separate day?
I want you to think of me, darling, but I’m going to caution myself not to think of you.
The more I think about you the emptier you make me, so empty that there’s nothing left.
The smell of cigarettes in the office is unbearable, why do we always have to let these men be unscrupulous? Thinking about the heart but floated out of the shadow of Qin, Qin also smokes, and is extremely addicted to cigarettes. He knows that Anna hates the smell of smoke, so always hold back when meeting. A long time Anna also took the initiative to mention to Qin after making love to smoke a few cigarettes, she can see the nicotine in Qin’s body in the stupid. The small space in the hotel, but Anna has never been disgusted with the smell of smoke. Remembering Qin’s kisses with a slight odor of smoke, the body began to stir up.
Loneliness! After being with Qin, she became even more lonely. I should say that Qin let her see that there is true love in the world, but we can’t be together day and night. Used to eating medicine for children, eat sugar once to realize that the original sugar is so taste, and later to eat medicine on the bitter, but eating sugar is hurtful to the body!
In the afternoon, Qin is going to come up, Anna in her mind calculating how long she can mix in the evening. Thinking about the thoughts drifted to the Qin ultimately have to go, and sad. Not Qin want to go, Qin is floating like a drifter, Jing know Qin want to take root, but they can not get the idea, to go is Jing himself, Jing’s heart began to throb.
Qin’s body was not the attractive type, and Anna often wondered why she was so infatuated with him. By her husband’s standards, Qin had nothing going for him, but she just wanted to be with him. It’s not that the body’s pleasure, her husband will also give her an orgasm, but it seems to be unable to satisfy anything. In fact, Anna does not know what she wants, in the face of Qin, her body is in the middle of the collapse of the whole, but it seems to want is not the body.
Anna herself is well-maintained, perhaps born a little narcissistic! Or is it the nature of women? Close to the middle-aged body has not the slightest out of shape, Anna in the hotel bathroom secretly complacent up. Breasts are still sharp, nipples proudly erected, waist is still so slim.
Qin was wrapping his arms around Anna behind him, his hands reaching between his legs, and Anna’s body was completely unable to listen to the call and went limp. The walk back to the bed is so long, Anna completely unable to control their own desires, the only thing in their minds is Qin.
Two people who don’t make love too much. Three years, I think! It has always been like this. As if it is not because Qin love to venture into or not considerate, most of the time it is Anna begged him to enter the body. Anna personality shy, often only dare to sneak a look at Qin’s lower body. Occasionally, even if kissing that, but also do not dare to open their eyes to see a clear. Qin’s penis is not very thick, at least compared with her husband is inferior to many, but Anna can feel the rhythm of his lower body, as if it will be synchronized with their own heartbeat in general throbbing. She loved kissing his cock, and had a feeling of complete possession. Anna experienced Qin’s body and his moans with all her heart.
Turning over, Anna felt out that her entire lower body was already wet. She twisted around and refused Qin’s caresses, wanting him to come inside her immediately, her whole body burning like a lit torch.
Into that moment Anna is like a coma, the heart is full of sweetness, I do not know whether it is the body’s pleasure or love in the heart, only know to hook Qin’s shoulders. Feel out Qin’s body is inside, just inside the pumping, she forgot to shout: ‘Kiss me, you kiss me.’
The house was still as peaceful as ever, with the kids playing their own quiet video games and the husband concentrating on the TV. Apparently, my husband didn’t call the office in the afternoon, and the reason he had originally thought of for taking a vacation was no longer needed. I’m a little bit angry that the child’s homework seems to be none of my husband’s business.
The flavor of Qin still lingered inside her body, and she still felt Qin’s semen flowing in her womb and residing in her heart. This feeling still exists even after bathing, and will last for some days. But this feeling was not sweet, in fact, it carried a kind of pain, a kind of emptiness. I think Qin should also be home, Anna, as in the past, generally sitting in front of the computer blankly looking at the Microsoft boot screen of the white clouds, themselves with the clouds as trapped in this box.
Waiting for the time Qin appeared to receive a letter from Lee, it has been three days, right! Three days Li did not letter to come. But these days in the heart of the Anna has been for the Qin is about to come up and rejoice, anti did not go to notice that Lee a while no letter. Lee or a book of the same kind of laughter, which makes Anna feel the bottom of the heart solid some, the heart can not help but think of Qin. Lee is like the sunshine, right! Qin is always like a child full of heartache to be loved.
One side wrote a letter to Anna and laughed, concentrating so hard that she didn’t pay attention to the message from Qin ICQ.
Chapter 3: The Afternoon of Lost Memory
Empty hearts walk on empty afternoons.
Trying to grab hold of something, but only grabbing a hand full of emptiness.
Choose to allow yourself to be betrayed by your memories so you can forget all the pain and joy.
All that remained in the body was empty, no residue.
Whoops! There’s still a hint of smoke from your fingertips.
Qin’s time is never caught accurately, said not to meet okay, another person is sad to say that to meet but can not see. This makes the long-awaited heart of the whole suddenly hollowed out, the network of the two people are getting more and more angry.
Every day lunch break to eat buffet always meet a man. This buffet is not a short distance from the company of Anna, Anna is in love with the feeling of being alone at noon. A kind of loneliness, the feeling of being shortchanged, abandoned, a bit of self-punishment flavor.
This man is always friendly and slightly smiling, sometimes will talk a few sentences, Anna even can not recall the man’s looks, always have to meet people can be specific up. As far as I can remember, the man tried to invite Anna to have coffee or something, but Anna blocked it back with a smile.
The only thing that struck me was the man’s smile, a sense of friendliness. Also the man’s speech had little substance, so he must not have been too knowledgeable or anything, although he seemed to be a middle-ranking executive at a major company.
With his usual smile, the man sat down on his butt next to Anna and ate to himself.
Jing unconsciously moved the chair slightly away, thinking in her heart that this afternoon was supposed to have taken a good vacation, Qin not only did not come, but also had a fight last night.
The man suddenly said, “Are you free this afternoon?
Anna casually responded with a ‘hmm!’ Immediately startled by herself, her consciousness cleared.
”Then take a walk together? The client I’ve got an appointment with this afternoon is on a temporary break.’ The man said.
The word ‘cool’ made Anna’s heart ache, suddenly feeling so empty, wanting something to fill it. Like in the sea, catch a little what is what, knowing that that thing can not carry all the heavy, but also fished up.
The man in the car talked about some of his own great achievements, originally Anna did not expect this man to talk about any nutritious topics, but this man made the atmosphere quite integrated. Anna peeked at the man, about medium build! In his forties, he was quite ordinary. Thinking about waiting and not knowing what will happen, the heart tensed up.
The man must have noticed Anna’s sudden silence and said, ‘Find a place to rest and talk, okay?’ Anna didn’t answer, but just kept her head down and didn’t care where the man drove the car to.
Qin was Anna’s second man, after that Anna had also had a rendezvous with someone, that time let Anna’s feeling is also a kind of filler, and there is not the slightest bit of love, and also did not feel any debt to Qin. ‘Anyway, it’s only once, this is something Qin will never know.’ Anna secretly comforted herself in her heart.
The man entered the room and hugged and kissed Anna, Anna’s lust was teased at once, their tongues entangled, Anna felt like melting.
The man’s hands teased Anna like a magician, making her moan as if her whole body was being brushed by feathers. He licked Anna’s lower body, gently harassing the tiny nub, and Anna felt a kind of wetness flow through her lower body. With both feet against the bed Anna met her lower body up, enjoying the irresistible waves of orgasm.
Gently stroking the man’s prick, it felt so solid and hard that he couldn’t resist Anna pulling the man’s lower body over to contain it. The man stopped and closed his eyes mesmerized. Anna suddenly felt empty in her lower body, looked up at the man and signaled for him to come in.
The man’s penis was kind of thick, I guess! It made Anna feel so full when she poked it in, and her body began to tremble and faint. She mumbled: ‘So strong! It’s so strong! Poke me, harder.’
A stream of heat rushed through the womb.
Anna is not durable, every time after the orgasm must be a little gasp, but the man does not know, still hard to play. Anna begged him, saying: ‘Stop it! The man stopped the action, the sweat flowed drop by drop to the Anna’s breasts, which makes the Anna a little unhappy, the Anna is extremely love refreshing. But the man’s penis suddenly in the Anna lower body jumped a little, Anna and forget me hot up.
Anna’s body was like being lapped by the waves, a burst of orgasm hit. She couldn’t feel the sun, moon and stars, couldn’t feel the direction of heaven and earth, but just cried out for more from the man. Today’s Anna with the past are different, become greedy and endless demand, this is Anna’s life in the most satisfying lovemaking.
The man’s cum spurted out, spraying Anna’s entire chest and getting some on her face.
The man was crouched over Anna’s body, cum mixed with sweat, and it was impossible to tell who was who. Anna struggled to get up to go rinse off.
In the bathroom Anna felt a fullness that extended from her pussy to her mind, and Anna thought to herself Can he give me another? The thought laughed softly.
Back home everything is the same as expected, the husband did not realize that there is no need to worry about anything. Anna and the usual busy chores to sit in front of the computer, suddenly surprised to realize that they have not thought about Qin all afternoon, as if Qin completely does not exist in general. And want to recall what happened in the afternoon, the mind is blank, only feel should be very happy look, but the details are completely disappeared. I can’t remember the man’s face, his voice, or even how he got home.
All that remains in my memory is the orgasm, the sweat, and the man’s fingertips.
Anna laughed, guessing to herself if she would still go to that restaurant for lunch after tomorrow, and turned on her computer in the meantime, thinking to herself that a one-night stand is not just a one-time thing. Is this a one-night stand or a half-day stand? Or no love at all?
ICQ was jumping around, and Chin said, ‘I’ll come to your office this afternoon…’ Anna’s nerves were all over the place, and her hand was trembling, but she couldn’t type.
‘What happened to you?’ The continuous message came like seawater.
‘I’m not feeling well and went home.’ Anna could only try her best to block it.
‘You’re not at home, I’ve been there and your son says you’ve been gone all day.’
‘You… you came to my house? You’ve gone too far!’ Anna suddenly felt a wave of humiliation.
‘I’m just worried, I’m so afraid something will happen to you, don’t worry, I said I’m from the insurance company, nothing will happen’
‘You tracked me down?’ Anna’s emotions began to run wild, using anger to cover up her fear as well as her guilt. Tears kept flowing from Jing’s eyes, flowing… The words typed out in her hands were as sharp as knives, while Qin froze in place like a broken wire.
After a long time, Anna stopped and said, ‘I only love you’.
Qin said: ‘You know what? I never thought you would be like this. I’m crying.’
Chapter 4: The Only Memory
Never gained anything, so never lost anything.
All dreams stay in the age of innocence, and all others are chosen to be forgotten.
The ancient tree, and the short-haired girls.
Refusing to continue to grow in a dream world because that’s all I have.
Leave which, innocence is gone.
The afternoon was rather sweltering, and it had been three years since Anna had switched cafeterias for dinner. The story of three years ago haunted her like a cancer, to the point of two losses, to the end of the same.
Anna will always remember what happened the next morning, when she left home to go to work and found Qin red-eyed and stood under the ride across the street, apparently rushed up all night. The night before the two are almost speechless to Qin active disconnect, Anna himself is a night of tossing and turning sleepless do not know how to face Qin, who knows that the face of such a fast came to the front, Anna hand and foot do not know what to do is good.
Chin walked across the street and without saying a word almost half dragged Anna into a taxi. While only early morning is relatively normal in Taipei, with everyone busy rushing to work like they’re rushing to a penal colony, these two went into a hotel.
Qin kissed Anna like there was no tomorrow, Anna only felt heartache, tears like broken pearls, can not stop. Qin buried his head in Anna’s chest to the child-like also cried, Anna can only say ‘I’m sorry, it’s all my fault, it’s all my fault.’ The two of them hugged and cried in this way.
Qin suddenly got up and walked out of the room without looking back, and just like that Qin did not appear again. Anna sat dumbfounded in the room, staring at the carpet, the carpet embroidery transformed into countless figures of Qin, so lonely. Anna’s head was blank, until the counter call to ask if you want to renew the room only to be alerted to the noon. Get up and found on the chest dress on a piece of tears have dried, this dress Anna did not wash again, placed in the Anna closet door, enough to look at this way for three years.
After dinner Anna returned to the company, the building before the locomotive sitting on a familiar figure, a pain that can never be forgotten. The years did not carve out any scars on Qin’s face, perhaps he was originally a wound no longer have nowhere to cut it! Still disheveled look, still hunching the waist that can never be straightened, still let a person’s heartache.
The two walked breathlessly to the cafe in the next lane, and Qin lit a cigarette, the familiar feeling returning.
‘How have you been lately?’ Qin said with a tired face.
‘Hm! It’s okay, the days will go on like this!’
‘What about home?’ Qin asked somewhat imploringly.
”It’s all good, hubby is still the same.” Jing hesitated, paused, raised her head and looked straight at Qin then said: ‘I now have a friend with me by my side.’
Qin again lit up a heel of cigarettes, the smell of this cigarette makes Jing want to cry, and Li love to smoke a different brand, right! Why can’t I forget this flavor after three years? Why all the memories have faded away, only this choking smell of cigarettes remain?
”Wow! I’m okay too, as usual, I stopped by to see you today.’ There was a hint of desolation in Qin’s voice. ‘It’s getting to be time for work, isn’t it! I remembered that, heh!’
Anna followed behind Qin and walked, Qin did not look back, Anna stared at his back. She thought to herself: ‘Three years ago I lost him because of deception, but three years later I lost him again because of honesty.’ I can’t help but laugh at the thought of such a contradiction in life. The summer sunshine in Taipei is still there, but Anna feels so cold, so cold, thinking that it is time to go back to the office to add a piece of clothing.
Anna used to go home from work before going around to Lee’s turn, sometimes bring some food to go, this person is also a person who is not very good at taking care of themselves. Recently with Lee is also a mess, nothing to do on the fight a never-ending, let a person distracted to the point of no return.
The afternoon market was crowded with office workers, the traditional market gives people a sense of affinity, like returning to childhood to accompany her mother to buy food, this is Jing’s favorite place to shop lately. See stalls put a few bunches of dripping beads of green vegetables, Anna’s brain suddenly like a blackout can not remember everything, only know that this dish is so familiar, like with her destiny there is some kind of mysterious cut between the destiny.
‘What… what kind of dish is this?’
The food seller said, “Hollow cabbage”.
(concluded)