*This story is for my dear J. It’s about seeing this weird world through your eyes.
Reprints are welcome, but please give credit where credit is due and please do not remove this statement.
*Chapter 1: The Void of the Void
The preacher said: Vanity of vanities, vanity of vanities, all things are vanities.
Ecclesiastes 1:2.
I have had many things – love, status, money – that I have loved and that make me feel full of life. My life was busy, meaningful, I knew what I was going after and I always went after everything I wanted.
I told myself that I could do more, that I could. Then I realized I couldn’t, in fact I was living in my own little circle. In this little circle I am the king, the ruler, the light of my people, but apart from my kingdom I am nothing.
Turning to look at myself, I began to loathe, loathe what I had.
Leaving my territory, I set out on the road to nothingness, ignoring the agonizing pleas of my subjects. I know that what lies before me may be another endless path of nothingness, but nothing can’t be worse than nothing, and I have nothing to lose.
Leaving my territory is nothing more than a door, but when I push it open it is incredibly heavy, it means that I will make a division, a cut with my life. I am now a me without a past, without a future, wandering alone in the unknown of time and space.
The air of freedom is soothing, but not joyful; freedom carries with it a certain unpredictable danger as well as harm. Every step was an abyss, and I fell from one to another, but I knew I had to move forward. It was blinding, because I didn’t know my goal or what the point was, and the only thing I heard was a faint inner call to move forward.
Chapter 2: Intelligence
Then said I in mine heart, Whatsoever the fool hath met, that shall I meet also; and why am I more wise? And I said within myself, This also is vanity.
Intelligent men, like fools, will never be remembered, for they will be forgotten, and it is to be lamented that the death of an intelligent man is no different from that of a fool.
Ecclesiastes 2:15-16.
The first night, a dream… In the dream, there was her, with grief and sorrow written on her face, trying to prevent my departure. Yes, she was none other than the Queen of Sheba, who was in love with me, and her love was as heavy as dozens of ships.
She knows that going away is dangerous, so despite being so much in love, she still relies on her servants to accompany her in presenting her offerings. She also knew that after leaving her kingdom, the queen would no longer be a queen, or even worse than a servant girl.
There was nothing false about her love, as pure as a lily and as fragrant as myrrh, and she was intelligent. And for that reason she did not understand why one should give up intelligence. She looked at me sorrowfully.
She had come to my temple with countless love affairs and countless entanglements while I was still king. I was familiar with every secret of her body as well as her mind, and we explored each other voraciously. Only I knew her well in this universe, not from my intelligence, but from the beginning of life, as if we were twins.
Intelligence was the poison of love, so she had not really had physical joy. As a queen, she has had countless physical passions, but none of them have been fulfilling, and all of them have been analyzed by reason and returned to nothingness. If you ask me how I know this, it is because we are twins. Because we were born as twins, and this is what I have experienced.
I touched her with my love, not my hands. I did not enter her with my scepter, I entered my heart. I kissed not a marble with a beautiful texture, a crown, but an ordinary woman of flesh and blood. There was no reserve in the panting beneath me, a beastly growl escaping her throat as her hands gripped the sheets.
I am not her king, nor is she herself, and we return to the amniotic fluid of life in each brief rendezvous. In the rendezvous she unconsciously murmurs love with abandon and feels it move in and out and twitch. There is a fullness in the small of her back that feels so full, a fullness that never fades.
After our passion we embrace in sweat and slowly fall into a dreamless sleep.
Life stands still, completely.
Chapter 3: Return to Dust
For what befalls the world, and what befalls the beast, is the same; how this one dies, and how that one dies, and the breath is the same; man cannot be stronger than the beast; it is all vanity.
All come to one place, all out of the dust and all to the dust.
Who knows that the spirit of man ascends upward and the soul of the beast descends into the earth?
Ecclesiastes 3:19-21.
A man in the street cried out, ‘Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden.’ Then he said, ‘He who believes in me shall not perish but have eternal life.’
Eternal life? What a vain word. The man tugged at my shirt and looked at me with sad eyes that pierced my heart like sharp blades. I gently shook my head with him, the man was lonely because of his truth, but I was lonely because of my ignorance.
He sees through my despair, through my emptiness that even eternal life cannot fill. If my eternity is empty and hopeless, what does life mean to me? I could see that the pain of the serpent that had betrayed him in eternity had been rekindled in that man’s heart. He told me firmly.
‘By faith.’
I still shake my head. A son of David! King of kings. I too was once a king of a kingdom, and I too had my people. And the difference between the two of us is that while your people crucified you, I crucified my people. In the depth of despair we are the same, and is not your heart at this time as weak as mine? But we must both go forward and fulfill the destiny we must fulfill, there is no turning back.
Chapter 4: Who can tell
The days of a man’s life are wasted as a shadow passing by, and who knows what is good for him? Who can tell what is behind him in the light of day?
Ecclesiastes 6:12.
The second night, a dream… In the dream, there was her, doubt and hurt written on her face as she tried to ask me where the end of the road was. She was willing to send her fleet of ships and her strong cavalry to extend her wings to protect me.
I’m hungry and thirsty, but it’s not bread and water I need.
Love confuses her. Because of love she enters my heart and at the same time because of love she cannot see my intentions. Am I not God in my kingdom? What do I need? Do I not need the protection of fleets and cavalry?
Her body is as beautiful as anthuriums and I love to watch her as she slumbers. Her breasts are firm and sweet, and they are my resting-place. Her slender waist arched in frenzy and swayed vigorously, thirsting for my love like the Samaritan woman.
Her body was so wet, everything was ready for me, containing every ounce of her senses. Her private parts were slightly open, and she pleaded with me under the teasing of my fingers that she wanted the love that was hers.
Yes, this love was meant for her, it was all hers.
I enter not only my body but my mind, it is a complete fusion, that is what makes me immortal. I have the same body as hers and I experience pleasure in her or rather in me. At the same time I have the body of a man and a woman, the senses of a man and a woman, the fulfillment of a man and a woman.
I love it when she puts her arms around my head and kisses me down, it makes me feel warm and safe. She understands me, she knows I’m actually this vulnerable and I wish she could hold me like this for the rest of my life.
The monsoon does not wait for anyone, her stay is always so short. How many times can a person experience the monsoon in his life? I long day and night for the return of the monsoon, for every drop of information, for every kiss when we meet.
She asked me about the end, and I looked at her helplessly, for where the end was I did not know. I have to rely on constant forward motion, constant abandonment, taking away all my intelligence and strength to see where I end up.
Chapter 5: Catching the Wind
Then I looked at all the works of my hands, and at the accomplishment of my labor. But I knew that they were all vanity and a snare, and that they were of no avail in the light of day.
I turned my thoughts to behold intelligence, arrogance, and foolishness. What shall they do that come after the king?
It’s just a matter of doing what you did earlier.
Ecclesiastes 2:11-12.
The city was so prosperous, and the faces of the people were smiling with contentment and happiness. It was late at night when a kind man invited me to his house, accompanied by two old men. This man was obviously a man of honor, but not a local resident, so he was also a parasite.
In the midst of the feast he led out his wife, who was undoubtedly beautiful, and made all the surrounding firelight lose its color. The way he looked down at his wife made my heart ache; I too have had such unrequited love ah!
And the old men who were with him said, ‘We will destroy this place,’ and then they said, ‘Take your wife and your two daughters who are here, and go out, lest you be destroyed for the iniquity of the city.’
The man was greatly alarmed, and got up and looked around. I knew that he should have a great deal of industry, but for a moment he could not make up his mind.
The old man defiantly took his hand and said, ”Let’s go! Don’t delay.’
The man also had to hurry out of the city with the old man leading his wife and daughter, and I followed.
The old man said, ‘Flee for your life! Do not look back, nor stand still in the plain, but flee to the mountains, lest you be destroyed.’
So we started walking toward a nearby mountain when the sun was blazing dramatically. Behind us came the sound of collapsing, and the ground rolled like the waves of the sea. I saw this man with sweat on his face mixed with tears, holding his beautiful wife tightly in his stride, and how much he didn’t want to let go of her!
His beautiful wife suddenly stopped and said.
‘Why?’
She turned her head to look back at the industry she had amassed in her life as well as the glory and beauty that she had accomplished with a lifetime of hard work ah!
The man couldn’t stop it, and the beautiful woman was instantly turned into a pillar of salt.
The dust from the destruction was getting closer and closer and he stopped to look at his still beautiful wife shedding tears. Lowering his head, he took his two daughters and fought his way up the hill.
For what to destroy? And for what to flee? What is there to give up? What can’t be given up? What do I love so much, and what do I abandon? What do I love? Will I keep my pillar of salt? Or do I love only myself?
Chapter 6: Must Not Know
If a cloud be full of rain, it shall be poured out upon the earth. If a tree falls to the south, or to the north, where the tree falls, there it exists.
He who watches the wind shall not sow, and he who looks to the clouds shall not reap.
For thou shalt not know whence the wind cometh, nor how the bones are formed in the womb of a pregnant woman: much more shalt thou not know the works of the God of all things.
Ecclesiastes 11:3-5.
The third night, a dream… In the dream, there was her… she was weeping incessantly. She pleaded with me to know where I would end up. She fell to the ground and I knew her heart was broken. She began to worry that my destination was not her kingdom, but that in her castle she had already prepared a sumptuous feast for me.
Beloved, I don’t know where my end is, and I am searching for it. I don’t need your castle as well as your feast, what I need is a meaning, the meaning of why I need eternal life. My eternal life must contain some meaning or my immortal soul is but a void.
Her lips frantically sucked in my lovemaking, exploring it greedily with her deft tongue. This was the origin of her life, the life on which it depended. All the world was in her hands for her at this moment, yes, her hands caressed my source. Nails coated with anthurium juice tingled gently but brought me immense satisfaction.
She seized all my senses and threw her body over me. She refused any movement from me as she began to enjoy the pleasure of being in control and then transferring that pleasure to me with her mind. Love spread through her juicy body, expanding and then exploding. She lay on my chest gasping for breath, and I saw her begin to disappear, sinking, slowly merging into me.
Love sprouted in my body, spread out and wrapped itself around me like a vine. Soft, cozy, love entwines us together. Born, growing, and dying together.
I want to think about something, about the origins of my exile, but everything is confused. Perhaps confusion, and then oblivion, is the only way to make a new start in life.
Chapter 7: It’s all the same
All things that come upon all men are the same. The same thing happens to the righteous and the wicked. The good man, the clean man and the unclean man, the one who offers a sacrifice and the one who doesn’t, it’s all the same. As the good man is, so is the sinner. How is he that sweareth, and how is he that feareth to swear?
And in all things that are done under the sun, there is one woe, that it befalleth all men alike. And the heart of the world is full of evil. The heart is arrogant while it lives, but then it returns to the dead.
Ecclesiastes 9:2-3.
The city was at war, and I saw a great army surrounding it. When the leader of the army saw that I knew the language of the city, he assigned me to go in with another young man, who was a distant relative of mine, to investigate.
The city seemed to be running out of food, but the soldiers’ morale was high because their walls were high and extremely strong. The people were weeping in the streets, for they did not know why this disaster had come upon them, for the attacking enemy was one they did not know and did not hate.
As we were going in, we were seen by the guards of the city, and the city boiled over, and we fled into a woman’s house. And the woman was a prostitute, and she hid us from the king of the city. And the harlot said.
‘I only ask you to save my whole family as well as my life.’
I saw that the glory was upon her, and that the descendant of this woman would be the king of the world, and people would call him the Son of Man. I was amazed… that the glory would come out of the lowly, out of the Gentiles.
I saw myself… My source of life is so lowly and simple, so what is there for me to boast about? Even though I’ve gained the intelligence of the universe, what good does it do? I have no future either, because intelligence prevents me from obeying like a lamb, and this will lead to my destiny to be remembered and destroyed. My kingdom and my people will be cursed, slain, and wandered because of me; I am the beginning of the scourge.
I thought I could redeem the living out of love, but I found out that redemption comes from predestination, and this confused me. I know that this city will be destroyed only because of predestination. The harlot will be redeemed, also by predestination. Can I resist my destiny?
The city fell and no one survived. I stood in the street and looked at the dead soldiers, the women and the babies in their arms. Not even the livestock survived, not one stone piled on top of another. It was a predetermination I could not understand, but in it I saw my own future.
Chapter 8: Must Not Know
All that was before him has long been named, and knows what a man is, and he cannot contend with that which is greater in strength than himself.
For what shall it profit a man, if he multiply vain things?
The days of a man’s life are wasted like the passing of a shadow. Who knows what is good for him? Who can tell what is behind him in the light of day?
Ecclesiastes 6:10-12.
The fourth night, a dream… In the dream, there was her… She pulled me down and wouldn’t let me go. The ships at the beach were waiting for me to set sail, and I couldn’t decide what to do. I knew that this was a turning point in my destiny, and that I could either have my loved ones and my life, or I would die of thirst in the desert.
Every lingering echo in my memory, every kiss, every touch.
Her breasts bounce to the rhythm, each deep penetration bringing a primal cry. My sweat lowers on her flawless body as she caresses my tired face. In the intervals between pleasure and pleasure, she claimed my kiss like it was the end.
Her nails went into my back, and she embraced me with all her strength, and I have not seen such strength in a woman. Oh! No, it was the strength of love, a sad reluctance, a helpless protest against fate.
Her response was solid and strong, like she was trying to accommodate the whole of me into her womb. The sparks of collision never go out, in my heart. She wants me to give more and more, because she knows the outcome. All that is given and all that is gained will eventually fade away, only this moment is ever present in the heart.
I know what’s going to happen to me. Can a man resist his destiny?
Chapter 9: Everything is predetermined
There is a time for everything, and a time for every matter under heaven.
There is a time to live and a time to die. There is a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted.
Kill sometimes, heal sometimes. Tear down sometimes, build sometimes.
Cry sometimes, laugh sometimes. Mourn sometimes, dance sometimes.
Throwing stones sometimes, piling up stones sometimes. Embracing sometimes, not embracing sometimes.
Seek sometimes, lose sometimes. Keeping sometimes, giving up sometimes.
Torn sometimes, mended sometimes. Silence sometimes, words sometimes.
Sometimes we love, sometimes we hate. Sometimes we fight, sometimes we make peace.
In this way, what does the doer of the work profit in his labor?
Ecclesiastes 3:1-9.
Outside the house, a man whispered to several strong men who stood around him, then quietly entered the house with his head bowed. This person seems to be born with majesty, but the look of fear, he reminds me of a person. This man and my father knew each other, although he had tried to take my father’s life several times, but he was the first hero of my tribe, and also our first king.
This house is inhabited by a woman who tells fortunes, and tonight I am thinking of borrowing a room under her roof.
Through the gap in the stone wall I vaguely saw that the fortune-teller woman had a great argument with the man, thinking that the woman had refused to do some terrible thing for him, because the woman had a look of fear on her face.
In a moment, the man raised his hand like an oath, and the woman had no choice but to reluctantly step into the dance and recite the incantation.
With a burst of strong light, an old man suddenly appeared in the room, and I saw both this man and the woman immediately bow down to this old man. Because of the distance, I could only hear some intermittent conversations.
‘… Disturb me…” The old man said with a displeased expression on his face.
‘… Leave me…. Tell me what to do.’ The man fell to the ground and sobbed.
‘… Having left you and made an enemy of you,…” The old man began to speak angrily and sternly, ‘… Tomorrow you and your sons will be with me…”
The image of the old man slowly faded as the man fell to the ground and wept, I don’t know if he wept for the throne he was about to lose, or for his life. He will face death tomorrow, and it will be inevitable.
I saw him suddenly stand up and wipe away his tears, raise his head and stride out of the house. I knew how he would end up tomorrow, he would lose his life like a great man, just because of a trivial mistake of a weak heart. In the beginning he could have given up all the glory in order to live, but he was thinking only of power and position, and until just now he had tried to save his life by means of a god or a ghost, but now all the chances were gone. In the midst of such despair, I saw a strong man facing the future, accepting his fate with open arms and not bowing down again.
The one he depended on forsook him, just as the Son of Man was betrayed by the one he loved. I know there is grief and resentment in his heart, but he has no choice. He had to finish this history so that he could give an account to the Scriptures of future generations.
Chapter 10: Never Again
Those who live, know that they shall die. And they that are dead know nothing, neither are they rewarded any more: their names are not remembered.
Their love, their hatred, and their envy were destroyed long ago. In all things done under the sun they shall never again have a part.
Ecclesiastes 9:5-6.
The fifth night, the last dream …. She was there in the dream, she knew my mind was made up and looked at me silently with tears in her eyes. She had her people, these were her duties and responsibilities, and she tried to explain everything to me. She tore off her magnificent garments and covered her face with dust, asking me to take her with me. I knew the truth, so I just kissed her, knowing she would miss me.
Each depth carries the leap of life, frenzied with hurt, and my grief tastes sadness within her. I poured tears into her, and what would be birthed would not be life, but the embodiment of death.
She demanded, again and again, to walk through the eternity of life. I have never seen such a frenzy; she is like a lioness who wants to devour everything, who wants to take the future, like a gambler who bets his last penny.
An agonizing orgasm poured over her as she bit down hard on my knuckles and bit down on my shoulder. Blood trickled down in drops. The tears had dried in her eyes, and she knew that they would be evidence of eternal love, her soul thus into me.
She didn’t look back as I walked away, her body as flawless as marble, but also as cold as crystal. The heat of her body may be rekindled by something one night, but the fires of hell cannot be extinguished, cannot be forgotten. I know that she will carry hate and love in her heart forever, and because I promised to take her soul, she will no longer be whole.
Walking to the sea, with the Son of Man’s words ringing in my ears, because of faith, I step toward the sea. Will the sea drown me or will I be able to walk across it?
(concluded)