Original Japanese text: Fumijuro Nakayama
Chinese translation: Di Shi Tian
———- ———- ———- —— Disclaimer: This article is published only in this edition, without my consent may not be reproduced.
———- ———- ———- —— five like you and can’t say it.
（１０）
When was it… when I was surrounded by sweet and sour smells?
That which calms the mind and softens the senses.
That warm, gentle, soothing.
It’s a woman’s breast.
Reminds me of something I should have forgotten a long time ago, the warmth from my mother.
That caring and loving, two-point swell.
That lured me to sleep, incredibly soft and supple.
Wanting to always, just touch them.
But… but… snapping, drops of tears fell onto my cheeks. Because the woman was hugging me while crying.
（”Yes, I made you cry…)
I’m sorry.
I promise to never, ever, ever, upset you again.
So let me, for the time being, just stay with you.
That’s all… all the time…
Always…
“┅┅┅┅┅┅┅┅┅”
Open your eyes and no one is there.
I was alone in the house.
(In my own home, of course…)
The mind remains stupefied and dull.
It was as if I had a dream. Although I could no longer remember the details of it, I always felt as if it was a distant memory. Even though I’ve woken up, all that remains in my chest is the pain that I can’t suppress.
The room had brightened somewhat harshly, and the sound of clamor came intermittently through the window.
(It’s 11:27 already? I actually slept until almost noon?) Last night, even though I laid down on the bed, I couldn’t fall asleep at all. I tossed and turned until the night sky turned white, and only then did I finally close my eyes.
Until I fell asleep, the same person’s face came back to me one after the other.
‘Satomi’.
Yesterday, I saw her after a few days apart, but… that guy, he was with another man.
And, it was with that ‘Kenji Aihara’.
I can’t believe that the man Satomi loves is Kenji Aihara.
(But those two, they kissed…)
Facts that cannot be denied.
I don’t think I’ll ever forget that moment, even in my lifetime. After the initial shock of the chance encounter…
‘Kenji Aihara’s dry smile’
”Kurokawa Satomi’s depressed side face”
‘Sakuragi Mai’s sad eyes’
Each was silent and no one spoke.
I stared blankly at Satomi, who was drifting away with Aihara’s arm around her shoulders, and… What I could recall was the image of my talkative self on the way back, rambling aimlessly with Sakuragi as my target.
As if in a desperate attempt to take my mind off the shock I was receiving, I just kept talking.
(Why, must you be so shaken and upset?)
I don’t understand.
After sending Satsuki home, my mood, having lost the person I was talking to, sank downward one by one. Always thinking about Satomi, very anxious.
(Why, when Satomi is with another man, it’s not okay?) I don’t understand, I don’t understand, I don’t understand.
Satomi cared who she was with, and… even if that person was Kenji Aihara,… there was no room for me to intervene.
（”Why is it that when I think of her, I…)
What about becoming so, heartbroken? All of this, I don’t understand.
Just, in his mind, kept flashing, Satomi’s expression at that moment.
What I saw when she was leaving, it was as if she was about to fall into the endless darkness of the side of her face.
By my judgment, Satomi being happily in love or whatever is absolutely unconvincing.
(That guy must be in trouble. She even cried when I saw her at the riverbank.) Why is she still dating Aihara when she keeps getting hurt off and on?
It made me feel almost unbearably sad.
I wanted to beat Aihara, who had caused Satomi so much pain, until he died. However, if I really did that and caused Satomi more pain… I couldn’t do anything at all when I thought about it.
Please, I just want you to say it to me. What is the reason for the bitterness? What’s the sadness? What are the hopes and aspirations?
I wanted to do something for Satomi’s sake, but she wouldn’t say anything to me.
（Was there any special reason why she had to go through all of this alone?) All that remains are questions like “why” and “what reason”.
“Hoo-…”
I couldn’t make a sound other than a sigh. If I glanced at the alarm clock next to my pillow, it clearly read “12:29 p.m.” before noon. From the time I woke up until now, I had spent a whole hour just lying in bed, thinking about the same thing over and over again.
“Tsk-” I couldn’t help but smack my lips as I finally got up from the bed.
(Or maybe I should find a place to hang out…)
Because if I stayed at home, I was afraid I’d spend the whole day just thinking about Satomi. …In short, I’ve decided to go out. It wasn’t because I had somewhere to go or a date with anyone, it was just that it was better to go out than to stay in the house.
Since I had absolutely no appetite, I walked out of the apartment after a little bit of washing.
It’s still hot today. The summer light is so intense that the streetscapes on both sides of the road look a little hollow as well.
In a daze, I walked forward, as a house passed in front of me… I don’t know, I don’t know… When I settled down, I realized that I was already standing in front of ‘OTIMTIM’ again. I peered into the store, but Satomi seemed to be off today as well, and there was no sign of her.
I wandered aimlessly and came before the station.
“Where is the best place to go? ┅┅┅┅”
There was neither a place I wanted to go nor a thing I wanted to do. It was just that the mood was very agitated.
Along with the bustling crowd, I continued to walk aimlessly.
As if propelled by the crowd, I entered the station building.
Mindlessly wandering through the building’s bookstore as well as the sporting goods store only made me feel more bored than interesting. However, in the midst of wandering
(Yesterday, as if by chance, I met Mai here.)
I’m trying to remember.
(Yes, yes, yes, Mai said she’s resuming training for the Swimming Department from today… or else she’ll go to school… well, just go to school!)
For what reason, and it’s amazing, I haven’t thought about “going to school” at all today.
Something like this…
(If you go to school, you should be able to see Mai, right?)
Conversations with her are enjoyable and even just spending time with her puts me at peace.
“Okay, it’s decided!”
Remember, she said the training was in the afternoon, so now would be the perfect time to go.
I quickly regained my spirits and left the station building behind. Although, I was once again exposed to the burning sun, I felt much better since I had a goal this time.
If you walk along the railroad line with the noise of the train rumbling in your ears, it won’t take long before you come to the intersection with the river. The river flows quietly under the hot sun, and the dense weeds growing along the bank sway gently in the breeze.
Walking over the embankment, made dusty by the constant sunshine, you can immediately see the school standing in front of you.
Entering the main gate of the familiar “Private Sensei High School” and walking diagonally across the campus, I reached the swimming pool on the west side of the school.
“Hey? Swimming practice, hasn’t it started yet? I’ve come too early, haven’t I! …”
There was silence all around.
As I contemplated what to do next, whether I should bother the staff room or the health room, “Wing-kun!”
A voice called out to me.
Looking back, I was greeted by the smile of Sakuragi Mai standing there. What perfect timing!
(Great. Today’s little dance is full of vigor.)
To tell you the truth… Yesterday, because of my change of mood, I was worried whether I would make Sakuragi feel unhappy. In fact, on the way home from dropping Sakuragi off, in contrast to me, who couldn’t stop talking, she became speechless, and for some reason I felt that there was a faint sadness in her eyes.
Now, however, the smiling Sakuragi Mai in front of her… Unbelievable to say the least, she looked more full of radiance than ever before.
(As if her beauty was radiating through her clothes…) I’m not joking, but she was truly holy and radiant.
Being blown away by Sakuragi’s overwhelming beauty, my heart was pounding again like it did before my date with Sakuragi.
“Are you visiting today too?”
With my head slightly tilted, my long, smooth, chestnut-colored hair swaying slightly… My heart was beating wildly and uncontrollably.
“Ah, hey, uh-! It’s because I heard you, Mai, say that you’re resuming training from today.”
Facing me who finished in one breath, Satsuki’s cheeks leaked pink.
(Crap!) By the time I realized that this was practically a direct admission that I came to school just to see Mai, it was already too late.
Even for Sakurabiki herself, I think I must have known a long time ago that I came to visit the pool because I was obsessed with her, but… I guess it was still very embarrassing to have it officially announced like this!
Curling his body in a slight wince, Sakuragi’s hands unconsciously clenched.
“That… Ria-kun…”
The clear eyes of Sakuragi, who was being gazed at, widened as if encouraged by me.
“Today, after the training… can we go back together if we can?”
“Ah, ah… I was just about to ask, if it’s okay… I’d like to go back with you!”
At me who nodded more than once or twice, Satsuki responded with a moving smile while blushing.
“I, then, am going to change… I’ll see you later!”
Sakuragi slinks and disappears in the direction of the pool changing room.
In the direction of the school gate, a group of people from the Swimming Department – Kimura, the head of the department, who was walking this way – and their figures came into my sight. Seeing Sakuragi and I together, Kimura’s face was full of smiles even from a distance, as if I had seen it with my own eyes.
“This boy… well, if you don’t find a way to muddle through some more…”
Anyway, I tentatively entered the schoolhouse first.
I peeked into the staff room a little, but it looks like Yoshiko-sensei went out for a home visit today as well. She wasn’t there. Next I thought about whether or not I should show my face in the health room.
(No, let’s forget it…)
Because of what happened with Misa two days ago, I’ll be embarrassed to see Ms. Mako again.
“Gee, I’ll be lonely if I pass through the door!”
Just in time to be seen by Ms. Mako, who was working in the afternoon.
“No, it’s just that it seems like no one is in the health room…”
Though I stammered and tried to stall, there was no hiding my reddened face.
…For the reasons mentioned above, I spent a relaxing thirty minutes or so in the health care room sipping black tea before bidding farewell to Mako-sensei.
Come on, let’s go to the Goddess Dance pool next!
was coming down the hallway.
“¡¡Hmmm!?”
Bumped heads with the man coming down the stairs.
(Aihara, Kenji…)
Once again, I ran into this annoying asshole. Yesterday’s good deed was thanks to this guy’s “help”, and this is the last face I want to see right now. Although there are many things I should have wanted to ask him, I don’t know what to say when I meet him here all of a sudden.
Aihara obviously noticed my presence as well, and it seemed like he was taken aback in that moment. But he didn’t say anything and just walked past me.
That moment.
“Hmph-“
The moment the shoulders passed, the asshole smiled.
It wasn’t the first time he’d been ridiculed by Aihara or something like that. It’s almost too old to count. It’s almost mossy. However,… His laughter this time felt somehow different from the ridicule he had been subjected to up until now.
A dry, cold, eerie laugh that sounded too cruel.
(From the depths of my heart, mocking me…?)
It’s strange. After the last date, yesterday’s situation where Sakuragi and I were together certainly fell into his eyes. Since Aihara has been chasing after Sakuragi, he shouldn’t and couldn’t have been completely indifferent to the situation. …Or, has he already decided in his heart that Sakuragi and I are not going to work out after all?
Either way, it’s a creepy “mockery” that’s impossible to know what it’s meant to be.
Rushing at Aihara, who was walking out of the school building through the front door.
“┅┅┅┅┅┅ son of a bitch!”
I couldn’t help but mouth off.
As soon as I see that guy, my emotions go a little wild. My whole body boils with blood and I want to beat him up no matter what. And I can’t do that, it’s all Satomi’s fault. Satomi would be so upset if I really dismantled him. I don’t want to see that.
(Satomi… You… Why did you and that asshole… Satomi… Satomi…) “┅┅┅┅┅┅-!”
In the process of remembering, I thought of “something”.
Satomi’s reason for slipping in from the tea-eating store.
Satomi’s reason for coming to school for no reason at all.
Satomi’s reason for crying.
Pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that had been scattered piecemeal suddenly all came together in full.
Drew, overly bleak conclusions.
“It’s-, hu-say, right!”
I rushed up the stairs.
“Why, did this happen?”
Even by himself, he doesn’t understand.
I kept refuting myself as I ran, probably because I didn’t mean to admit that conclusion to myself.
“Without ever seeing it with your own eyes.”
Absolutely, not meant to be believed.
There as jumping, I sprinted up to the second floor, with the restrooms to my left and the music room at the far end.
Stand between the toilet and the music room… before the sports equipment room…
I personally opened the forbidden door that should never have been opened.
The interior, which even in broad daylight seemed a little gray, was strewn with mats with a little yellow stain, tilted jump boxes, and was more properly described as a scrapyard than a parlor.
Everywhere was dusty, cobwebs were knotted, and the stench of dampness and mold was overwhelming.
And, pervading the place, there was another odor.
Sweat, bodily fluids, body odor… all of these smells are intertwined to create a unique odor that can only be brewed by a man and a woman.
Post-coital odor.
There was a girl amongst the garbage, left behind.
The summer jackets, sleeveless summer sweaters, bras… were each stripped off and tossed aside, crumpled and scattered on the moldy cushions.
The panties, which had slipped down, hung around his left ankle.
From the depths of the shadow that was covered by the skirt that was rolled straight upwards just like that, a trail of whitish liquid slid down her thighs.
The sobbing woman’s shoulders vibrated as she looked back.
Eyes that projected each other.
Frozen in time, her face contorted.
Like a slow-motion scene in a movie, her lips slowly opened.
Spit it out – “despair”.
At the same moment that the mournful sound that came out of the limits of his voice hit the eardrums, the flow of stagnant time resumed.
Having been unbound by the spell, I cringed and stepped back… and crashed into the wall of the music room next door.
With Satomi’s helpless screams stuffed in my ears, I escaped from the gym equipment room.
There was a slowness like advancing through water, and I couldn’t stabilize myself as my feet wobbled. I struggled to reach the stairway, and step by step, I leaned my body against the wall and slowly scooted downward. Before I reached the halfway point, my feet gave out and I fell, rolling all the way down to the platform in the middle of the stairs. Clutching the stair rail with both hands, I finally got back up.
After getting off the other half again, I saw Mako-sensei who ran out of the hallway.
“What happened, Ria-kun? What the hell…!?”
I couldn’t answer the teacher’s question. Just grimaced and kept walking.
A wave of revulsion and nausea came over me in a frenzy that made me want to gag.
Stumbling out the front door on my feet, I was once again surrounded by overly harsh sunlight.
Sticky, hot air filled my lungs and the contents of my stomach backed up more than I could stand.
As much as I’d like to just collapse on my own, that shouldn’t be now.
Anyway, there’s a guy I want to meet now and hear him explain. I have to go where the guy is.
（１１）
The light reflecting off the water was so intense that it was almost impossible to keep your eyes open. The droplets of water that splashed onto the concrete counter at the side of the pool survived for only a very brief time before disappearing without a trace.
Swimming pool water dissolved in chloride steams with a characteristic odor.
Practice for the swim department, has begun.
The members of the ministry who had spotted me standing by the pool cast their eyes this way. Those of them who recognized me greeted me, but I didn’t listen to what they were saying.
My target… was the man on the other side of the water from me.
The pool just happened to be Sakuragi swimming.
Kenji Aihara, was admiring her swimming.
Seeing the appearance of Aihara, who was disguised as a good man, I immediately felt as if I had been set on fire, and the voice of anger in my body changed into the hiss of a wild beast. The desire for ‘violence’ that should have been forgotten a long time ago. I also knew in my heart that there was nothing that could stop the flames of anger from burning this time. In fact, it was impossible to stop me.
(That bastard, after insulting Satomi, he… immediately came here to show his love to Sakuragi Mai.) It’s not just today, it’s been many times up to now.
(Yes, there have been many!)
My lungs exploded with anger and I clenched my fists. Aihara finally noticed me, who had forced his way into view. As usual, he showed that look of contempt for everyone again, and at the same instant, my fist hit his face.
ground, Aihara fell straight down on the concrete poolside.
“Why, why can’t you be gentle with her?”
The sound I made was as if it had been squeezed out.
Why couldn’t you be gentle with Satomi? Even if it was a lie… saying “I love her”… why couldn’t you hold the girl… Rimi… in a place where she was surrounded by happiness, either at the inn or in her own room?
“You, aren’t you rich,…”
What kind of place is it to have sex in a dim and dirty place like that, like a garbage dump? Moreover, after he ejaculated, he left Satomi behind like that and shamelessly came to see Sakuragi Mai. In that case, isn’t Satomi too pitiful? Satomi is not a toilet for sexual desires!
(Though you act like a tough guy, you’re actually very weak… you’re just a gentle girl)
“Why do you, make Satomi cry!”
In the face of my yelling, Aihara lifted his face, dropping the blood seeping from the corner of his mouth. Then, “Because, that girl is right at home in a place like that!”
Spit a mouthful of blood.
“You asshole!”
I was about to pounce again, “Don’t go over there!” , a group of guys from the swim department stopped me.
“Fluffy Village, stop it. Calm down!”
Minister Kimura, who is sort of my friend, grabbed my wrist.
“It’s annoying, get out of my way!”
Shrugging off the crowd, I pounced on Aihara, who was trying to escape, and grabbed him so violently that the two of us collapsed together on the floor by the pool.
“You bastard… son of a bitch! …”
I got on top of Aihara and started beating him up. Punching him as hard as I could.
I seem to have forgotten all about the techniques of fighting, the ways of beating people up, etc. etc. All I can remember is the constant swinging of my fists.
With each strike of my fist, something red splashed out with it.
“Why did you make love to her when you obviously didn’t love her at all, huh! …You’re a despicable boy!”
Beat him up, beat him up again, no matter how much I beat him up, I don’t feel relieved.
When my hands were getting a little tired of fighting, the guys from the swimming department caught me and dragged me away from Aihara.
“Okay, forget it… if you keep this up, you’ll kill him…”
I listened to Kimura while my shoulders shook from panting.
In front of me, just like the text said, Aihara, who had already been beaten to death with an iron fist, slowly raised his elbows to support his upper body. Blood flowed out of his broken upper eye, and looking at me askance with narrowed eyes, he grunted.
“Do you, my boy… do you, my boy, have the right to tell others what to do? …”
The slightly swollen face of Aihara was twisted from mocking me.
“What do you mean?”
Held down firmly by my friends, I kept struggling.
Aihara slowly stood up and threw me an even uglier, loathsome look.
“I know… I know everything… I hired someone to look into it!”
“┅┅┅┅┅┅”
“You, my boy, with the woman who lives across the street… something happened, didn’t it? With someone else’s wife… well, it seems like you make love almost every day, doesn’t it?”
“I was… in love with… that woman…”
Compared to Sagara, who treats women as things to be manipulated, I’m different. Absolutely different.
“Love her, do… ha… ha… ha… ha… ha… ha…”
Filled with mockery, he laughed out loud.
“Okay, let’s say that’s the case… But that’s not all you’ve done, kid. You really took care of Jinko and Tanaka, who were in the same class, didn’t you? Ninko, Kami is her boyfriend, isn’t he? And it seems that Kami is also a friend of yours, isn’t it?”
“You guys don’t understand anything, they all have their own reasons for being separate.”
“So there’s a reason why it doesn’t matter if you take one girl after another into your arms!”
At Sagara, who was getting more and more excited.
“What the hell are you trying to say, you guy? Speak up!”
I questioned angrily.
“That is, you, being a hypocrite thing!”
“Am I… a… hypocrite…?”
“Yeah. No matter how hard you try to say ‘I love you’ or whatever, you’re just saying to them, ‘Isn’t there something we can do?’ For example, what’s the situation with the young wife who lives across the street from you? If she is found to be committing adultery with you and a divorce results, can you bear the responsibility? You’re just a high school student with your future goals undecided, can you do it? What’s the situation with Jenko?
Is snagging your best friend’s girlfriend after just a little incident a good deed?”
“┅┅┅┅┅┅┅┅┅┅”
“Probably, people like Jenko hadn’t had any experience with men… When Jenko’s heart was hurting, you took advantage of the situation and took her virginity at the right time, didn’t you? That’s pretty much what happened! How about that? I was right, wasn’t I?”
A cold, merciless smile appeared on Aihara’s face as he continued to attack without mercy.
“You boys are simply lying. Citing bullshit reasons that seem appropriate in order to achieve sex with a woman and falsely labeling it as ‘love’. You yourself are the hypocritical and shameless worst human being out there.”
“It’s not like that!”
It was never like that. How could I have thought that irresponsibly?
Although, I desperately wanted to stuff Aihara’s chattering, stinking mouth with all my strength, those guys in the swimming department held on to me so tightly that I couldn’t move.
“Hey, what the hell’s the difference! Are you still trying to say ‘you never actually wanted to sleep with them yourself’, you asshole?”
“What do you know about women who only know how to use them as props to deal with their sexuality!”
“It doesn’t matter if you don’t understand. Love, the one who talks about love while casting aside some girl’s affection for you,… is the real trash!”
“A certain… girl…?”
Aihara’s lines made me unconsciously stop my resistance. Aihara, while displaying an unusually miserable smile, the
“It’s Kurokawa Satomi!”
Say the name.
I… felt something start to break down in my heart.
(Satomi, is fond of me.)
(This is something that I was unaware of.)
No.
(Really, I was unaware of that?)
I don’t want Aihara to go on talking. Must get this guy to shut up quickly. Facing me, who was desperately struggling, Aihara’s cold words came one after another.
“You know whose name that guy was screaming out of his mouth when I turned Kurokawa into a woman?”
“┅┅┅┅┅┅┅┅┅┅┅┅－！？”
“Kurokawa is also in the same category as your boy.” “While pretending to be in love with me, deep down inside he kept thinking about you, ‘Fluffy Village Wing.’ . …Perhaps she had intended for you to hold her, but unfortunately, it was in my arms. …”
Aihara continued through gritted teeth.
“You bastard, it’s not too much to say that you’re irresponsible! The result now is retribution for people like you who disguise themselves with words as sacred as ‘love’! Just let you know know what I’m capable of! It’s because of you that I degrade Kurokawa. Fiddling with her as if she were a sex doll. Of course, Kurokawa had no way to refuse. Every day, every day, while crying, she was filled with the semen of a man she didn’t like. …”
I growled before the asshole finally finished.
The mind became blank and could no longer think at all.
All that’s left to say is, “Kill him.”
With every ounce of strength in my body, I struggled to pull my hand out of the group that had grabbed me.
Left wrist free…
My right wrist is also free…
If I could really break free completely, I would really pounce on Aihara and beat him to death, right? But…
“Pah-!”
As the crisp sound came to mind, I felt a hot pain in my cheek.
The white shadows that had obscured my field of vision gradually dispersed, and the scene in front of me re-condensed into an image.
In front of me, who had regained consciousness, stood Sakuragi Mai.
An expression of “anger” that I’ve never seen before.
（”Stern, but sad…)
The majesty of nobility that no one can resist is here.
I don’t know if the people around them were also overwhelmed by Sakuragi, but all of them were silent.
I couldn’t hide from the intense gleam that emanated from her eyes and stared at her face to face.
Incredibly, the strength in my whole body disappeared sharply along with the anger, and I hung my head in dismay.
“Go out to ┅┅┅┅”
In a desperately suppressed voice, Satsuki said.
“From here… quickly… out!!!”
Sakuragi repeated.
“Got it…” I bowed helplessly and turned to exit.
The moment I was about to take my first step, “Aaaaah…”, Sakuragi let out a small yelp.
At the entrance to the swimming pool, the face of Tanita-be can be seen.
Surveying his surroundings for a moment, Tanabe stepped towards the area with an unexpectedly leisurely pace.
Standing in front of me, grabbing me by the collar.
“Fluffy Village, you’ve done some pretty amazing things here, haven’t you? Huh?”
The gym teacher showed his big yellow teeth stained with tobacco oil as if he was happy.
（１２）
A long dark night.
On the other side of the slightly swaying curtains, the rain is falling, absorbing the hustle and bustle of the metropolis.
I hear a storm is coming.
But, to me, that’s irrelevant now.
Just sitting on the chair like that, supporting my chin with my hand on the table… I haven’t done anything since I came back, and I’ve remained in that position.
I was alone in the room that wasn’t even lit.
Not really, just today is anything special.
Whenever I’m alone.
（”Even so, why…)
The passage of time can be so painful.
The curtains hanging beside the bed “clattered” as the wind swept them up high, and I finally stood up because I had to go close the window.
It’s raining outside.
“What’s going on with that guy now? ….”
Is it like me, looking out over the rain? If so, how did you feel? …
After the riot at the pool, I never saw Satomi again. I was taken to the duty room by the physical education teacher, Tanita, who just kept emphasizing that he had been waiting for this day for a long, long time, and then finally said, “Just get ready to be punished,” and kicked me out of the school.
I don’t remember clearly, but I think I met Ms. Mako on my way down the stairs from the utility room, so maybe Satomi was taken to the health center. However, if it was Ms. Mako, she might have been able to protect Satomi very well…
“Satomi ┅┅┅┅”
Is that guy also alone, crying in his room? If so, what should I do? In the past, when I was in middle school, I had made Satomi cry… After that, I swore that I would never make Satomi cry again, but… Once again, I had made her cry. All of this is my fault. It wasn’t Sangwon… it was me who put Satomi in such a miserable situation.
(For a long time, Satomi, has been, thinking of, and adoring me.)
I, however, avoided her feelings… just kept thinking about other girls.
Reiko, Chiharu, Yako, Kurumi and Misa… There is nothing hypocritical about the fact that I love their hearts. As much as I want to be sure of that.
(Why, is Satomi the only one who can’t be treated gently?)
“False love”.
The words of Sagara that were inserted into my heart like that, which I couldn’t free myself from, caused my chest to ache.
Was it really true, as he had said, that I was merely using sophomoric rhetoric to deliberately toy with girls who were incomparably good?
What kind of situation is Reiko in?
Taking the opportunity of her gently welcoming me into the room, I turned it into a result of making love to Reiko almost every night. But did I really capitalize on the emptiness of her lonely soul as she “waited alone for her husband to return home”? The result seemed to be that Reiko was planning to divorce her husband.
What can I do for the future of Reiko, who is about to start a life on her own? Is there any way that I, who have not even decided on my future goals, can carry her on my back for the rest of her life?
…assuming that she didn’t have sex with me, I think that even today Reiko would be at home waiting for her master’s return. But is that really a bad thing? Even if Reiko, who is still alone, continues to live as a couple, she will soon give birth to a child, won’t she? If so, judging from that person’s character, thoughts of loneliness and such will disappear. Of course, she would raise the child lovingly and guard her family well. It is not possible for the same situation to last forever in a person’s life. Once her husband, , took care of his family, the day when he and Reiko became a “good couple” would be…. Assuming that this is possible, I may not just have changed one woman’s life, but I may have messed up many possibilities for happiness.
And what about Chiharu?
I met her at the factory where I worked part-time. Chiharu, who is a year older than me, graduated from high school this spring and joined the workforce. But judging from the fact that she said she quit the company after only three months, I can imagine that it was a poor job that was far from ideal. Chiharu herself said to me in a slightly self-deprecating tone, “Now I’m a free man,” but I knew that she wasn’t really as casual and idle as she made herself out to be. In other words, Chiharu had just missed her ideal and lost her way. I, as a result, caught that little gap in Chiharu’s heart, and took the opportunity to break in, didn’t I? Seizing the opportunity of the kind Chiharu to take care of me like a sister, I forcibly violated her, didn’t I?
Chiharu is a girl who always has dreams. A girl who sees the person she makes love to as her partner for life. She’d give everything she had to the man she loved. So I took advantage of the passionate Chiharu’s love, and perhaps destroyed her most important “dream” as well.
And what about Yako?
She used to be bitter. Because she was entrusted with the responsibility of inheriting the family business, she was distressed that she was unable to act and live like the girls of her age. She was also troubled by the gap between her and her radiant older sister. And I took advantage of her growing sense of inferiority because she couldn’t feel attractive as a woman, didn’t I?
It’s true that Yako herself said to me, “I’ve liked you since a long time ago.” But can I say that because of that, I didn’t do anything wrong when I changed Yako from a girl to a woman? Yako’s world is actually a very small world. I was the only person of the opposite sex that she had a serious conversation with in her daily life. In other words, I was the only man around her. When the day came that Ako’s worries disappeared and she was able to fly freely… I thought I would meet someone better! I might have defiled a girl’s beautiful memories of her first love, which had long since ended, just by thinking about it?
What about Kurume?
I had thought that helping that exhausted girl by simply hugging her would be enough. But perhaps I didn’t quite convince Kurumi, and as a result, when she was about to entrust herself to that dangerous-looking guy, I had a hard time snatching her back… In fact, when I hammered her in the park at night… Kurumi should have known all about it already, right? It wasn’t necessary to take the last step with her. But I hugged her. Was my intention to possess Kurumi? If I was just to be Kurumi’s support and backing, in the end, I was just her older brother.
But I betrayed Kurumi’s trust, and I took away her “purity” that I was supposed to help her protect, didn’t I?
What about the next occasion for Misha?
Misa, who confessed to me that she’s been in love with me since first grade, was so adorable and heartwarming that I took her into my arms. But then, wouldn’t it be better to start a spiritual relationship? I think that would be the real “love”. But now Misa, with her dreams shattered by her injuries, should be in so much pain that she should be screaming out loud. Didn’t I take advantage of Misa’s loss of hope and confusion?
Did I just take Misa’s fierce outburst of adoration as an opportunity to trample her pure love underfoot?
“I am, truly, the worst man ever…”
As Aihara said. I don’t know if that’s my true feelings, but I’ve easily declared my “love” and caused many women to be sad. What can I really do well? I couldn’t do anything right. And what can I do for them? Nothing, I can’t do. It is only by virtue of pretense and artifice that I can stack my body with the women’s bodies. Surely, it’s more than that. If you think about it, I’m an even more despicable human being than Aihara. The guy who simply and clearly treats women as tools for sex is a bit more honest than me.
Suddenly, the blow from Sakuragi that hit me in the cheek surfaced in my mind.
“Of course I’ll be hated… haha…”
I let out a dry chuckle.
Maybe if I go any further, I’ll defile her with it.
Taking the hearts of those I hold dear and hurting them one by one. And in the end, I hurt the most important person too. For me, that’s Satomi.
Why didn’t I realize it until I got into the current situation? … No, I actually noticed. But even though I noticed it, I hid my feelings. Why is that?
(I understand all the reasons for doing that!)
For me, Satomi is “everything”.
She was a mother, a sister, a friend, and a lover, a woman who was all of these things. Growing up alone without my parents, I didn’t know what tenderness was. Satomi was the one who taught me to be gentle.
“And therefore I, is it because I don’t want to lose her? …”
I was afraid to say the word “like”. If I confessed my admiration, and if it was rejected… I would “lose everything I have”. Not just affection, but love as well. I’d lose Satomi, who was the most important thing to me.
Just because it overwhelms me with fear, I can’t say it.
Nothing happens. I want to be favored forever from this girl Satomi.
As I, the “all” ideal being!
As a result, I became unnecessarily timid and deceived myself by saying that I was a “rare and dear friend” or something like that. I didn’t act in response to her feelings, and I didn’t openly express my own feelings… In the end, I lost “everything”.
“Why, can’t I, honestly, say I like her?”
I’m such a clueless, piece of shit son of a bitch. It’s too late to realize that. Already, everything is over.
The sound of rain outside the window is distracting.
It is impossible to have any light in the middle of a long night.
What to do next is beyond me.
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(End of chapter 5)
Stay tuned: Chapter 6: Forever, the Unforgettable Summer
———- ———- ———- —- is back to continue posting. A month’s worth of hard disk work has been wiped out due to an unfortunate hard disk demise caused by an oversight during a move. Plus I haven’t written for a while because I was busy with a job change a while back. And then there’s the fact that these sections just don’t put me in the mood to continue, so I’ve put it off until now.
In fact, I originally intended to replace this part of the book with the contents of the OAV, which is why I initially used the word “re-translation”, but firstly, I am not at a high level and I am not capable of doing so, and more importantly, this part of the book has been laid out by Nakayama from the very beginning of the article, and I am really powerless to do anything about it. I had no choice but to go back to “translation” from “re-translation”.
And finally, I’d like to ask for your support!
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