I once worked in Guangzhou for a period of time, and since I was a foreigner, I had to rent a room, and since my pocket was not too bulging and I was unfamiliar with the area, my first choice was of course the infamous Shipai Village.
I was born and raised in the north, so the architectural pattern of Shipai surprised me, I could not imagine that only a few dozen meters away from the downtown area, there is such a dark and chaotic place, the narrow channel is only more than a meter wide, crisscrossed as a labyrinth, surrounded by grey concrete walls, no matter where you go, the feeling will always be the same, narrow, dim, as well as everywhere in the clutter of so-called “Sto”, countless hair salons in the lazy eyes, sewage and the pungent smell of incense. No matter where you go, the feeling is always the same: cramped, dim, and cluttered with the so-called “Stores”, the lazy eyes of countless hair salons, the sewage flowing everywhere, and the pungent smell of incense. The concrete walls are plastered with all sorts of rental ads, STD ads, and all sorts of transfer ads for home appliances and furniture. But the rent here was cheap, so I stayed.
I disliked the city very much, and I was disgusted by the loud Cantonese dialect, the streets and cars were always crowded and stuffy, and I could see all kinds of hostile and wary eyes anywhere in the alley where I lived, and I knew that there were all kinds of people here, prostitutes, drug dealers, and scammers of all sorts… I was 26 years old, and I had joined the Party when I was a university student. This environment always reminded me of the image of the corrupt capitalist hell that I had imagined when I was a child in the Party’s education, and it made me feel depressed all the time.
I live alone now, so I masturbate with impunity on a regular basis. Masturbation has been a habit for more than ten years, but of course it used to be in the dead of night, usually under the covers, and the auxiliary equipment was usually my socks. In the northern part of the country where I grew up, the topic of sex is rarely talked about, even in college, they thought each other dirty heart buddies, already can cut each other porn experience buddies, but also did not talk to each other about their own masturbation experience.
Since a normal sex life was so far away for me, a man who couldn’t afford to get married, I masturbated in silence for ten years or so, and to this day I’m still a virgin. I was so unfamiliar with women’s sexual organs that the scene I could imagine turning me on when I dreamt of masturbation was still me masturbating, which from time to time left me alone with a secret shame.
One Tuesday night, I was sleepless because of a frustration at work and a hopeless outlook on the future, so I had to masturbate, hoping that I could use the short-lived pleasure to anesthetize me and fall asleep. I achieved my goal and I fell asleep, but I had nightmares, gray dreams of despair, and I woke up feeling a great deal of stress, so I continued to toss and turn.
Suddenly a flash of light, every day when I passed by the hair salon wearing black tight shorts of the woman jumped into my brain, at this moment, more than a decade of desire for women suddenly and uncontrollably came rushing, and now there is no thing to limit me, as long as I spend my own money, I can satisfy myself, no one knows who I am. I lit a cigarette for myself, my hand trembled as I tried to erase all the dirty words and pictures from my mind. Then I looked at the clock, it was two o’clock in the morning, so I went downstairs in my slippers to look for a prostitute.
The street was quiet, but there were still bright lights in the little stores and hair salons, and I followed the road I’d just become familiar with, turning two tiny blocks to find the salon that used to tease me at the end of my shift. Standing in the doorway, a little hesitant, this was after all something that was considered a sin by most people. Perhaps only six months ago, I would have despised such behavior. But now I had no idea that I was even tempted to try it myself… but then I didn’t bother to think about it and pushed the door open.
It was late at night, and the salon was not bustling with activity. Only three women smiled at me reluctantly, and I could see that their smiles were helpless and tired. A slightly older woman, about twenty-seven or eight years old, said in Mandarin, “Sir, would you like to wash your hair?”
I said in a very low voice, “Yes.” While wondering how I could sound so old and stable? And there’s no doubt that this kind of voice doesn’t fit the atmosphere here.
“Where is the wash, please?”
I didn’t know how to answer, so I made a cursory gesture at my crotch. Of course they all understood, so “Excuse me sir, do you wash here or at your place?”
I tried to look like an old greaseball, but I knew that I still looked timid to them, and I said, “What’s the charge?”
“Pay the sitting fee here 200, charge 400 at your place.”
So I chose 400. probably for safety and privacy, and I wasn’t ready to do it right here in this kind of place, pretty much under the watchful eye of everyone, or rather, didn’t want to lose my virginity in such a haphazard manner.
Then they told me to pick a lady, and there really wasn’t much to pick from, only two candidates, because it was late at night after all. I guessed that the better looking ones I’d seen before had already been picked out to spend the night somewhere, maybe right next door to me.
I looked around, both girls were not very old, 20 at most, one of them was more fashionably dressed and seemed to be more experienced, she was very spunky at first glance, she faced my buyer’s eyes as if nothing had happened.
The other was a little scowling, as I could plainly see from her unnaturally forced smile. So I chose the latter without hesitation, for I knew I was a novice, and at the same time did not look like a rich man, and was vaguely afraid that the former, who had seen so much, would laugh at me, or extort a tip from me in a contemptuous manner, a circumstance which I presume would have been very embarrassing to me.
So I paid the money, and the little girl I had chosen immediately made a very happy face and leaned towards me. I still kept my cool on my face, but one hand was already on her breast, and instead of saying that I wanted to enjoy my power right away, I should simply explain it as me trying to embolden myself.
It was the first time in my life that I had ever placed my hand so recklessly on the breasts of the opposite sex, and it felt sheepish, but the circumstances didn’t cooperate and I didn’t feel much comfort. I remembered that mine had been in line for food in the college cafeteria when my elbow joint accidentally touched the soft breasts of a pretty girl in line behind me, which mesmerized me for a while at the time. LOL! Strange women.
So the two of us, this little girl and I, were walking down the narrow streets toward my place. Occasionally her shoulder bumped into my chest, which sent a jolt through my heart, and I remembered that about four years ago, when I was a sophomore in college, I had walked this way with my short-lived first girlfriend, a pretty girl I’d had a crush on since the first year of middle school, and with pretty good grades, who had been a very noteworthy presence at the high school, and in the midst of my muddled puberty I had never imagined that one day the two of us would be walking this close to one another I never thought that one day the two of us would be so close together.
That night, her shoulder also gently bumped into my chest like this, and what was my reaction at the time? I remember I was when she did not notice, gently in her hair a kiss, and then looked up to the sky gently breathe a sigh of relief, to the sky glittering stars and said to myself: “This life is not regrettable!” That kind of happiness and fulfillment can not be described, I have experienced only once in my life.
And now? I finally couldn’t help but laugh bitterly, when the female sexual organ that I had longed for for ten years was close at hand, why did I feel so hopeless? The stars in the sky hadn’t been watched for a long time, and now that I took a look at them again, they were flat, completely devoid of that kind of shining sensation, not to mention the fact that it was my first love, who never dreamed that I would be so degraded now. Is this what I get for insisting on leaving home to experience the outside world?
In a flash, I had arrived at my place, I took out my key and opened the door in the dark, walked in the sweltering heat to my room on the fourth floor, opened the door one more time, and then I was in my cluttered nook.
I turned on the light and held the little girl down directly behind me on the door, looking straight at her with no expression, young body, blank eyes, that’s all.
She was a little frightened by my look and said, “Turn off the lights, I’m not used to it.” I silently turn off the overhead light, turn on the bathroom light, so that the yellow light came out, the dim light of my nest I think this is the right light.
As if inspired by the movie, I effortlessly picked her up and prepared to undress her on my bed, strangely enough I wasn’t nervous or in a hurry at all. But she struggled to get away from me and whispered, “I need to wash first.” I nodded my head noisily in agreement.
It was summer and she wasn’t wearing much, she stripped herself in a few strokes and didn’t avoid my presence at all, I instinctively turned my face away, for the moment I forgot I was a john.
She walked in naturally, and just rinsed herself off with the warm tap water of the Canton, and as I watched her back from the door, with her slim waist and taut hips, I finally got an erection.
Without waiting for her to dry herself off, I stripped myself naked and then hugged her ferociously from behind, my hands roughly rubbing her breasts. I felt my bottom pressing against the side of her ass, and I felt a thrill as the simplicity of the scene made me drop the guilty feelings that had been nagging at the back of my mind, and now we were just healthy animals.
Not caring at all about her resistance, I picked up the wet woman without a second thought and held her down on my cooler-covered bed, pressing my entire body against hers. I held her tightly and watched her. At this time, she somehow stopped resisting, but smiled and looked at me, her eyes were not as empty as earlier. I suddenly felt: perhaps in this moment, she likes me a little.
I was very conscious of my appearance, and my tall, white, strong body was more noticeable even on the street than the ugly, unattractive Cantonese. But this momentary sensation was immediately replaced by my sexual desire. I wanted nothing else but her body… My lower body was rushing around her lower body in search of a way in, but was not allowed to enter. Her eyes were closed and her mouth was slightly open, as if she was enjoying my promiscuity.
After a short while, her small hand noiselessly reached out from the shadows and took hold of my lower body before directing it towards her hidden place. In a split second, an incomparably warm and incredibly soft sensation hit my lower body and went straight to my head. I couldn’t help but close my eyes and tilt my head back, I gritted my teeth in an uncontrollable grimace, but in a trance I felt as if I were seeing heaven, and then an uncontrollable urge made me shudder and my whole body contracted. I knew I was erupting at her entrance.
I convulsed on top of her, gasping loudly without containment, the sensation of heaven still reverberating in my head.
I tightened my arms around her soft shoulders. It was a while before I woke up and realized that I was already a man. I let out a long breath and slumped down helplessly beside her, never wanting to move once I did.
I lay there quietly, fading back into reality, my mind a mess not knowing what to think.
Meanwhile, she got out of bed very carefully and went to the bathroom to rinse herself off. I lit myself a cigarette.
After a while, she very quietly came back to lie down beside me, I supported myself with my left arm and casually played with her breasts with my right hand, her nipples were still hard and a bit cool, probably because of the fresh rinse, and at the same time firm. At this point, I felt comfortable because I could once again not have to think about the jumble of things going on in my head.
I was able to smile and tell her, “Am I useless? I know I just ejaculated.”
Her silent sneer was the kind of little girl’s laugh that didn’t have the mocking undertones I was expecting.
I said, “It’s because I haven’t touched a woman in a long time. I’ll be fine in a minute. Let’s try it again.”
She still nodded wordlessly.
I lit myself another cigarette, and in the meantime looked at my watch, it was 2:40 in the morning.
I liked her body, it was very taut. I knew she was young, which was completely different from the image of a cigarette-chomping, waxen-faced old woman I used to imagine as a prostitute, and I couldn’t in any way associate her with a prostitute; the whole thing felt more like a traveling companion I’d met on a train.
I couldn’t help but start to fondle her nipples again, they were so sensitive that a few rubs from me were enough to make them stand upright, the breasts were round and just the right size for my hand to just hold. I felt very comfortable when I held them, it was a very peaceful feeling.
My hand slid downward, now a flat stomach, very smooth and warm, even in the darkness I could feel the whole belly was white patter. I love this kind of belly, it’s simply the sexiest place on a woman’s body in my opinion, and I couldn’t help but I leaned my face up and gently rubbed her belly as I closed my eyes. At the same time it felt like somehow her small hands had been gently stroking my inches and my hard beard.
In the darkness I looked down and there was a blur of darkness on her lower back that I couldn’t make out, except that it was the place where I used to feel most mystified, and I was going to smooth her pubic hair with my hand, but she firmly stopped me.
But the clump of grass I saw in the darkness turned me on again, and almost immediately I felt my lower body swell with fullness again.
I put on the condom with my hands and knees and used my own body to hold her legs apart, she seemed to be cooperating with me by raising her body slightly, so this time I had no trouble finding a position, only the entrance was still a bit jittery. Now I wasn’t nervous anymore, the knowledge about it mentioned in reference books such as “Flesh Pope” that I had learned before let me know what I should do, my glans was gently rubbing against her entrance, I wasn’t in a hurry at all.
That’s when I realized that she closed her eyes as if she was in pain, her hands involuntarily grabbed my hips, and I felt her pulling me closer inward with all her might, so I slowly thrust inward until I reached the end, and then I just held her motionless. Every now and then I contracted the muscles in my lower body to make my sex swell and I could feel her tighten around me at the same time. Her expression twitched in agony with each of my thrusts.
I asked her softly, “Does it hurt?” She closed her eyes and shook her head, as if reluctant to answer my words, while both arms continued to hold my hips hard to pull me closer to her.
I was content with this display from her, for I now saw her as my woman, and I was grateful for any woman I touched, and I don’t know why it was gratitude. At the same time, I hooked my arms around her shoulders and I began to ram, I could clearly hear the sound our little bellies made as they collided, a sound that sounded very demoralizing to me.
I kept ramming away, as if to give vent to all the desire that had built up over the years, and I felt hearty. Occasionally I would look at the area where our lower bodies met, my pubic hair mixed with hers in a dark patch, an image that also turned me on immensely.
She had begun to stifle a moan, and I felt as if it was the first time she had made a sound since she walked in the door. At this point I pulled my cock out and got off the bed, I stood on the floor in my bare feet and I pulled her to do the same, she obediently followed me and then turned her back to me, my hands gripped her crotch tightly and entered from behind her.
I was finally able to make a significant impact without fear, my eyes were closed in the darkness, and I could clearly hear the sound of my belly hitting her buttocks, an ugly “popping” sound, an evil sound that intoxicated me, and I tilted my head back, unconsciously ramming into her with all the force I could muster.
I don’t know how long it took, but that burst of desire came as it should, and I grabbed her crotch with one hand and continued to ram it fast and hard, holding her left breast tightly in my other hand while rubbing my small arm over her right one, and in the darkness of my mind, I ejaculated for the second time.
The sensation of the eruption was so intoxicating that when I finished firing with every last ounce of strength I had, I held her tightly and I could feel her clamping down hard on my sex, not wanting it to slip out. We stayed in that position until my lower body finally came free with no strength, and I felt exhausted to the core.
In my previous masturbation experiences, after each ejaculation I felt nothing but exhaustion and a sense of guilt that I could never get rid of, and this time was no different, but I wanted to be alone to experience those feelings. So I immediately looked for my wallet, and as fast as I could, I was amazed at how quickly I counted out the extra $200 tip I had given her. Then I told her, “Okay, you can go home now, and don’t ever say you know me again.” I knew I was ugly as hell.
The soft slamming of the door told me that she had left my room. I lit a cigarette, turned all the lights off, and lay alone on my bed, silently lost in thought as I stared at the flickering cigarette in front of me. A great emptiness enveloped my entire body, and I decided to go to sleep and get to my dreams as soon as possible.
I fell asleep as I had hoped, but I couldn’t remember if I had dreamed or not.
The next day, I went to work as usual and felt that both eyes were astringent and tired. A glance in the mirror startled me; my eye sockets were deeply sunken. But I was in such good spirits that the ubiquitous and unaccountable worries of a few hours earlier now seemed flat, and I was surprised at how relaxed I felt from the inside out.
A year later I returned to Beijing and had my own beautiful girlfriend. Sometimes when I think of that night’s experience, it feels so distant, as if it wasn’t me.