Autobiography of Ai Iijima (2)

Collected and organized by Killing Angels Books.

Autobiography of Ai Iijima (below)

In the winter of 1990, I was in New York and I was 18 years old.

For me that was the most valuable experience.

From Kennedy International Airport to New York State is just over the Brooklyn Bridge. The moment I looked out over Manhattan from this world-famous bridge, I was moved to goosebumps.

“The building in the distance made me jump for joy…” I couldn’t help but jump for joy. In this unknown world, I had no negative thoughts of uneasiness at all, and my mind was filled with “dreams” and “hopes” that I would never normally think about or talk about. The Manhattan in my eyes was gradually expanding.

The cab drove me into Manhattan. I rolled down the window to look upward, and all I could see was a narrow and distant rectangle in the sky between the tall buildings. Moving my eyes further down, I could see many American flags fluttering in the wind.

The hustle and bustle of New York entered the car at the same time, the sound of police car sirens, unheeded car horns, and even the sounds of pedestrians talking on the street closed in on me incredibly.

“This, then, is the privilege of not knowing English!” I opened my mind and got lost in the music that all the voices on the streets of New York were making together.

I was mesmerized by the flood of voices.

“This is New York!”

I had always considered the desire for luxury as a basic necessity for survival, and I was simply overwhelmed by the soaring buildings and exciting streetcar tunes of Manhattan.

Starting the next morning, I was amazed at my stamina on one side and incredibly strolling around on the road as if I didn’t need any sleep at all.

“The early bird gets the worm,” a phrase I first experienced in the U.S. and even became given time to talk to my most hated animals. Whenever I thought a squirrel in Central Park was cute, I kept chasing it with my camera.

Lying on the lawn of the park, I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve looked at the blue sky in such a happy mood, and I always feel that I can see the wind even if I close my eyes. Maybe it’s because I haven’t used my five senses since I was a kid? But for me now, it’s all good.

“New York is my favorite!”

“Like” doesn’t need a reason. I really felt that way at that moment.

I met a girl on this trip.

By all accounts, I’m a vigilant, recognizable person. I know a lot of people, but it takes a lot of time to become friends. So if you’re not really interested in another person, you can’t go any further, but I couldn’t help it with this “Japanese guy living in New York”. Mariko, who wanted to be close to me, held a very special place in my life.

On the third day of my stay in New York, there was a knock on my door.

In New York City, where security is not good, it is also dangerous to open the door unguarded by pulling the refining lock. I recognized the visitor through the doorway and saw DJ Masaki, who was studying in New York, and wanted to meet him as one of the purposes of this trip.

I double-checked before slowly opening the door.

Behind Masaki, there were a few unrecognizable people, including a woman with a unique aura.

“Wow, that’s cool! Silver hair!” The hair looked completely un-Japanese and the make-up was very lifeless. Thin eyebrows, black eye shadow around the eyes, and a face so pale it looks like she’s seriously ill.

Unlike in movies and TV where foreigners always hug each other when they meet, she quickly extended her hand to shake mine.

“Hello.”

That’s how I met Mariko.

She is 1 year older than me. After graduating from junior high school, she went to the U.S. to study, and is now specializing in psychology at a university in New York State. When I asked her why she was specializing in psychology, she said, “I don’t know why.” When asked why she specialized in psychology, she said, “I don’t know why. When asked why she studied abroad, she said, “To be a translator.”

Cold, sharp, aloof and unapproachable.

That was the first impression Mariko made.

I would also say something very polite or pretend to be polite because I know a lot of people. But even if she was smiling at me, I wouldn’t feel relieved because it was as if her expression hadn’t changed at all. However, her face is really hard to read, and I don’t like it at all. But humans always seem to be interested in creatures that are completely different from themselves.

That night, I went with them to the most popular clubs.

New York clubs have red ropes around the front to restrict entry, which reminds me of Roppongi Disco in the 80’s, where there was a period of time when the clothing and age of the guests was checked to restrict entry.

The night we went was a gay night event, which is a party for men.

No one is allowed to enter if they are traveling with a woman, if they are not dressed formally or flashy enough, or if they are too young. In Japan, you can just talk your way in, but here you have to show proof of identity, and most people can’t get in without it.

I stood in line with her knowing nothing, and the words coming from left and right were all in English, and beyond that there was only the honking of taxi horns, and the sheer volume of those sounds made me dizzy.

“Let’s go!” Mariko ignored the long line and simply drilled through the red ropes.

It’s as if no one cares, as if it’s a normal thing.

“Awesome, is she a regular!?”

The fact that she could get into the club without having to wait in line by virtue of her face was a big shock to me.

Even I, who think I’ve been everywhere, am convinced by this place because it surpasses all the edgiest stores in Tokyo.

First, there is a hall as big as a Tokyo Budokan, with CG movie projectors on the high patio and all the walls for visual stimulation, and a DJ playing music with a strong rhythm, and the bass sound from the stereo vibrates the heart.

I rubbed elbows with drug queens and danced the argo; gays and lesbians, topless, used their exercised flesh as bait in a courtship dance.

“Hi!” She greeted easily before heading further in.

I picked up my pace to follow her so I wouldn’t get lost.

It was as if she already knew this place well. It was like it was her home, talking and laughing with the people she knew, and every move she made, she looked handsome, hugging, lightly kissing each other’s faces, talking and laughing with the people she brushed past. I was a little upset and wanted to say that she wasn’t a person who couldn’t smile? But at this point she looked so happy. I admire her for this detached from reality look.

“This one is so nice.”

When I visited New York for the first time, I was moved by all the things I saw, just like Honorine in Greek mythology. Because of her, I began to hate myself, and I couldn’t forgive myself for looking like a tourist in every way.

“I, what an old-fashioned…”

I also want to play on this street, I want to play with foreigners, I want to play in English.

“I want to be like Mariko!” I thought this in my mind.

My interest in her is growing. In short, I wanted to make friends with her.

It’s obviously 6 a.m., but this gay world, well, it’s only now starting to get more lively.

I said to Mariko who was going to the next store, “Hey, let’s play together again tonight!” After agreeing with her, I said I was going back.

“OK, call me when you get up.” Mariko held out her arms and the two said goodbye after a natural hug.

That night, I went to see Mariko at her home in SoHo.

Her residence is the size of a three-bedroom, two-bathroom home with bath included.

I sat on the couch, the house decorated in a style as refreshing as she herself.

You can’t talk about relationships with Mariko at all. Ninety percent of the time when normal women get together, they talk about men’s things. If men were together, they would talk about the opposite sex, but it would be more about work. But when it comes to women, they are often absorbed in matters of love.

I don’t know what’s good to talk about, what’s good to talk about other than men? What are the common topics of conversation between two people? With no idea what to say, the atmosphere gradually became awkward, and she was just as bad as I was.

That’s when I absently glanced at her long, shaped windows and realized that tulips were planted outside.

I remember it well because I found it so surprising, a soft soundtrack playing in a room where neither of them spoke a word. Far from the wildly dancing club music, it was a fresh and beautiful tune. “You like this kind of music, huh?”

‘Coctteau Twins’ sounds like an elegant and comforting tune, and always reminds me afterwards, of one of my favorite times. It’s the only quiet moment in the midst of an exciting NYC row.

“Hi, sorry I’m late.” Masaki finally came.

“Where is it going?” One comes right out.

“Leave it to me!” I said as I shoved my cigarettes and also my lighter into my pocket.

“Ah! Let’s go to the free masturbation store!”

“What?”

“That place, it’s interesting! Let’s go!” Mariko smiled shallowly.

What… what is that? What’s this so-called free masturbation? What? What? What? What’s interesting there? I don’t know… but it always seems like it would be fun.

In a dangerous-looking alley with few streetlights, I was shivering like a turtle while saying, “It’s scary, it’s cold,” and shrinking my hands and face into my jacket. The wind was so strong that I couldn’t raise my head, but then I realized that I had stepped on a used condom.

A closer look here and there. “Ah! Sure enough there’s more here!” Unconsciously, he shouted out.

“Ah! What? What?” They immediately told the giddy me.

“There will be sex sellers in the area selling a ten-dollar condom that comes with a blowjob.”

“Whoo!” It’s a deal I always make.

My mouth opened in curiosity and I looked around, and sure enough there were a couple of gorgeous blondes standing nearby in super-mini skirts as well as mesh stockings.

“Be careful not to step on it.”

“Eh.”

Up to this point in time, I’ve never had to be careful about stepping in anything other than dog poop.

Our destination was in this street full of condoms.

We passed the stairs covered in cigarette butts and empty beer bottles and headed for the basement. There was an old man with a beard checking the entrance, and since the camera in my purse had been confiscated, I snapped “Why not!

“The whining, but I’m using Japanese. “It’s okay, you’ll get it back on the way back.” Mariko told me so. After passing through the dark pathway, Masaki opened a large door.

What I saw there was: “♀▲♂$&♂. ☆★. ♀. ●-♀.”

…just kidding!

Dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks what’s this? A dream? A hallucination? Delusion? Huh? Well, if it’s a delusion, it’s pathetic!

“Wait, wait a minute! Where… where is this place?”

They laughed and said so to a very surprised me.

“Free masturbation store.”

Really yeah, everywhere everyone is masturbating! And still making themselves comfortable in the store, there are people everywhere who are naked but wearing socks and shoes, while the top half of their body is only wearing a tie plus jacket.

“OH~YES! YES!” can be heard here as the foreigners make love.

In one corner of the couch, the old black woman was masturbating with her naked body. On the other side of the room another group of people were naked and slowly masturbating one after the other.

“Let’s go over to the side and watch!” Masaki invited us over.

Masaki put his hand in his pocket and left “There’s a hole open there.” With those words, he ran off to wander alone.

When I went to the counter to get a drink, there were men and women up there having sex and people around them just watching them masturbate. There are a lot of women here who want to be watched.

At first, I didn’t know where to look wherever I went, but I got used to it after a while. If Mariko wasn’t with me, if I was alone… When I thought about it like that I got a little excited.

“Hey…” Mariko’s voice startled me.

“There in SM, want to go over and watch?”

Looking in the direction of the finger, there was a fat woman chained up and being penetrated by a hobbling old man in T-string panties holding what looked like a vibrator.

Mariko took the whip in her hand after saying a few words to an old man in a tie.

“What?” Before I knew it I heard a “Pop!” A bang.

Snappingly, it sounded like it hurt all the way through.

“Awww, that’s good!” She said so.

It’s a world I can’t understand.

This was my first contact with the non-everyday world, and it gave me a different social experience of “sex”.

The light in front of me, which I hated, was something I couldn’t understand at all. But somehow I could feel the same mysterious atmosphere as in the church.

…it’s so confusing.

“Why does it feel so good to beat up a guy you don’t know at all?”

“┅┅”

“… I don’t know. Like, like a feeling of revenge against something… don’t you think so?”

“Maybe! What is it exactly? I honestly don’t know.”

“But it was fun.” She said this with a smile.

On the last night in New York, she came to the hotel where I was staying.

The two talked happily for a long time before Mariko suddenly said, “I, am a lesbian.”

I couldn’t believe my ears for a moment.

Being in a relationship with a man, a woman or being gay is nothing new to me.

In addition to the many GAYs around me, even my favorite man is a man who has sold his body to men.

I’m not surprised by much anymore.

Still, I was shocked. Not because she was a lesbian.

Rather, it was because of her abrupt confession.

“Wow, I see.” I replied back, flustered.

I didn’t want her to think I was scared. I pretended to be calm and unintelligent, and Mariko didn’t notice my reaction.

“Uh, I don’t know… Hey! Why can’t I like men?”

“┅┅”

“Even though I’m a lesbian, but…”

“But… what?”

“…” Mariko didn’t say anything.

I don’t know why, but in that moment it always seemed as if she had something else to say to me.

I wanted to ask her, “Even though I’m a lesbian,…” what comes after that.

So I played nice and asked, “Hey, is it okay to say that to me?”

Ignoring her worried me, Mariko began to recount her experience from the beginning.

It’s not a conversation either, it’s more like an introduction.

“I’ve had relationships with men, but it wasn’t comfortable.”

“But that’s…”

“Of course, it’s with a male of your choice.”

She knew right away what I was going to say.

“What should be a very comfortable place… has become very uncomfortable.”

Although she was being hugged by her favorite man, her body reacted with resistance.

“Orgasms happen when you have sex with a girl you like.”

“…” All I could do was nod my head while listening.

“Not if it’s a man. It’s very, very annoying…”

Mariko’s eyes never left me.

“Why? What do you think, Ai?” Ah, is that a discussion with me?

I’m talking to someone I’ve only met two or three times, and I’m asked, “Why?” Or “What should we do?”

Just as I’m glad she trusts me so much, I’m relatively starting to wonder if this person is a little bit random.

“All I have to do is look at a girl and think she’s cute and fall in love with her.”

Mariko spoke faintly.

“But I hate girls who are only interested in men!”

I got angry because I knew she was talking about me. She didn’t look resentful, and I knew why Mariko became a lesbian because of her comment.

Mariko must have been abandoned in a humiliating way by someone she liked.

Because she was abandoned by the man she loved so much in a very explicit and irreconcilable way, she became unable to recognize herself as a person who is not valued by men.

I tried a bit of a badass inflection and asked.

“┅Yes, because it happened once.” Surprisingly, she answered me honestly.

The self-confidence of a woman is taken away, and since then, she is terrorized by men and cannot accept the opposite sex. This may also be considered a sign of protection.

“Even though I know it in my heart, I still can’t cut it.”

“You’re so honest. It’s so handsome, Mariko.”

After hearing Mariko’s words, I naturally said, “It’s so cool.

It’s just that there’s the dorm room.

I sat on the bed with my feet crossed, and while talking to her I saw myself in the mirror behind her. There was indeed a bit of timidity in myself in the mirror, like the horror of being suddenly together with a male who passed by without meaning to, with the illusion of being caught in a persuasive situation.

“Don’t worry! I won’t do anything to you!”

Mariko said with a smile.

“I, ah, haven’t been here for two years that one.”

“Huh!?”

“That probably means I don’t need to be a woman anymore! It’s fun and easy that way.”

I’m surrounded by girls who like men, and the “no period” talk is all because of pregnancy. There was only one girl who had been in a serious relationship or had fallen out of love in the past, and since then, she had stopped being interested in men and was concentrating on her work as if she were a man. At that time, this person also said, “I haven’t had my period for the past two or three years.”

“Don’t want to have kids and don’t want to have sex with a man, so whatever works, I’m not a woman anymore.” Mariko laughed jokingly.

Mariko felt inferior to herself. But in the same situation if it were me, I would have run away from this inferiority complex and hidden myself.

But she was truly facing herself from the front. So in front of the frank Mariko, I also became frank.

We hugged each other and then said goodbye. Mariko’s eyes were red, and I couldn’t help but feel happy inside seeing her moved.

Because of Mariko, New York became a place where I have precious memories.

“I want to live in New York!”

I thought this strongly in my mind.

On the morning of my return, I thought about the seven days I had spent in New York, and no matter how many times I thought about it, it was never enough, and no amount of adjectives could describe how moved I was. As I thought about it, I crossed the Brooklyn Bridge again.

Manhattan, shrouded by the morning fog, crossed over the cab window to behind it and flowed by in silence.

Took the first flight of the morning to Narita Airport. On the way home, I felt anxious about New York, which had given me a lot of excitement, and about Mariko, who was living naturally in New York, for some reason. I also felt ashamed of myself for not having a goal in the future and for living a life of peace.

What am I trying to do?

On the way back to my own home from Narita Airport, the consumer finance signboards pulled me back to reality after I had been wandering around New York. Overseas travel, lots of money, not having to work and still being able to pay the rent, the truth is that I felt shameful for all the breathtaking depravity.

I want to live in that place.

The seven zeros are arranged side by side.

“The amount stated herein, which you did receive.”

It was so noted on that one document.

If I sign this document, there’s no turning back, but I’m in an unimaginably relaxed and happy mood, having actually given up. It’s a decision that I’ve been making for months, not to mention the fact that there’s no point in being indecisive about it.

I took a deep breath, then gripped the ballpoint pen in my hand and signed my self-same name.

Nowadays, the bubble economy of Japanese society has begun to collapse. To put it simply, words such as “There’s a recession,” or “A company has closed down,” have become commonplace when riding in a taxi.

I don’t know when I started to see the shadow of recession in the streets. Of course, the neon lights are still flickering in the busy streets, but we, who are not caught by the neon, even though we do not realize the fact of the recession, we somehow feel that something is changing.

While gold and mink coats are fading out of fashion, women who show their panties just to be seen are still dancing with fans on the stage at Juliana Tokyo, a famous ballroom in Shibaura. But the BPM of the clubs I know has changed, and with the fast beat, they are dancing to new steps.

Just as society slowly began to change, I made a life-changing decision to become an AV actress.

The contract money was ten million yen. It was an amount I hadn’t imagined and a world I hadn’t imagined.

And now I have stepped into the world.

“How about an adult videotape, try and see how it goes for one take?”

The person who said this to me was my friend Kenji. He used to date the popular AV actress Risa Yoshimura, who is known to all.

Kenji is not a “spotter” who spends his days in Roppongi or Shibuya looking for a girl to pick up. In the summer, he has three main activities: first, he travels to Okinawa and stays at his employer’s house to do odd jobs, then he stays at the beach to pick up girls or surf. In the winter, he also has three activities: he works at a disco in Naeba, and spends the rest of his time skiing and picking up girls, so he is a “mobile” girl-hunter. In winter, girls go to ski resorts and in summer, they go to the beach so that they can get hitched to him.

In the winter, my friend and I also went to Niagara and didn’t bring my ski clothes with us; all we wore was what could be called a Roppongi combat suit, a mink coat, and a lot of jingling gadgets. We were aiming for a night out in Hmonga, and all that was needed was a short quickie love affair. If we could successfully find a guy, the lodging fee would be waived and the return transportation would not be necessary.

The first time Kenji and I met was at the nursery, and that’s where I met his girlfriend. We came to the nursery one after the other and finally met.

“Ah! She’s ah! She’s very attractive! Because she has the charisma that can make all the customers in the Mowaba Disco focus their eyes on her!” Kenji said with a smug look on his face.

She’s not just the center of attention, she’s a person who doesn’t stop at anything and is very motivated, she’s not someone who’s satisfied with just having the title of a popular AV actress. She is a person who is very eager to do everything, and she even wants to take care of the management of the AV actress’s business. Although the management of an AV actress’s career requires a certain amount of resourcefulness and planning, the job description is actually not very difficult.

In fact, if you can hire more than one cute girl who is willing to perform, the job can be established.

After the girl has signed a contract with an AV manufacturer to shoot several AVs, then she is allowed to show her face in magazines, and she can earn several million dollars from just one AV production. In a nutshell, it’s all about finding a girl and selling her AVs.

Sometimes the friend named Kenji would show my picture to her girlfriend and that’s how it started.

“This girl is nice, isn’t she?”

Then I met with her.

In front of the appointed station, she appeared in front of me in a dark blue Porsche.

“Get in the car.”

The body of the car is low. What I saw extending down from the leather seats were leggy curves that would amaze even a female looking at them. The Porsche immediately ran between the streets and finally drove into the underground parking lot of one of the ultra-high-end condominiums in the South Azabu district. One of the units there was her home and office. My head was already spinning as I entered the living room which was too luxurious for me.

“It’s beautiful!”

I unnaturally headed for the L-shaped sofa and sat down, my body immediately sinking downward as the soft cushions immediately enveloped my body. Shortly after, she also brought out a cup of black tea served in a designer cup to entertain me! Taking a closer look at the décor, “extravagant” was the first thing I could say about the living room decor. It felt like a place for French aristocrats or some English royalty.

“You want to make money, don’t you!”

Her words awakened me, who was in a daze.

Ms. Yoshimura is a very beautiful woman. She had a charm that made men fix their eyes on her. She knew how men looked at her, and took that charm as her honor, so she was full of confidence. I was completely overwhelmed by her charisma from the very beginning.

“Think of it as an opportunity! Try it!”

The menthol cigarette that had been held on her lips, which were rubbed with crimson lipstick, she removed it with her finger. A puff of smoke slowly drifted out of her mouth.

It was her long, thin finger that extinguished the cigarette in the ashtray, and the ring on her finger had a very large crimson ruby that was constantly radiating a fascinating light, and there were two other rings. My eyes were fixed on the large ruby that I had never seen before.

“Huh? Are you watching this? Not bad, huh?”

Yoshimura-san sensed my sight and raised the jewel up to present it to my eyes.

“I’ll give this to you if you put your seal on the indenture right now oooh!”

“┅┅”

“Alas, even if I hadn’t given it to you, you’d be able to afford more rings like this in the future!”

“┅┅”

“Really, there will be a handsome income that will make you smile!”

“┅┅”

“No matter how much, you can earn it on your own!”

“┅┅”

“In this industry, a girl who only works as a good girl is only paid a low salary, and she’ll be fine once she’s done working. In this class, even if the pay is high, it’s only 500,000 yen a time, so it’s a consumable product that’s used up and thrown away. If you really want to do it, you’ll have to join a reliable office, and then enter the industry through a senior industry vendor.”

“┅┅”

“If it’s you, the senior vendors won’t miss you.”

“┅┅”

“Come on! It’s really going to make you a lot of money!”

“┅┅”

“You’re going to be a hit!”

I looked at Ms. Yoshimura as if I were an outsider, as if I were not concerned.

“If you have money, you’ll have everything!” She said so confidently.

However, I didn’t nod my head.

Although I refused at that time, the term “adult video” and Ms. Yoshimura’s confident expression were strongly imprinted in my mind.

Wanting to get money is a fact of life, so I’m starting to get a little interested.

I had watched adult videos with my boyfriend, but I couldn’t imagine that this would be a job for me. After a few moments of thought, my head just wouldn’t seem to say “yes”.

I don’t know where I’ve ever said that I hate working as an AV actress. Of course I do! I don’t want to be a halfway decent exhibitionist, combining my cleavage with a spotlight to attract men’s attention, appearing nude and performing sex acts, masturbating, etc. I don’t want to do any of that. Not only in front of most people I don’t know, but not to mention how humiliating it would be if my close friends saw it!

There were a lot of girls around me who made money in erotic places, and at that time, as a PR girl, I seduced those customers with my normal heart, and even the kind of old man whose head had already gone bald, I had slept with him.

“It’s nothing, right? … What does it matter? …”

Although I often used this phrase to dismiss friends who hated the idea of me using my body to make money, I don’t feel the same way now that I’m going to work as an AV actress. It has nothing to do with education or occupation, it just keeps you ostracized by society. “Your experience can’t be erased…” my mother said, and it still weighs very heavily on my mind.

I was in a constant battle with the conflict in my mind and it went on like that for 3 months.

Rui Sakuragi, Hitomi Shiraishi, Mirei Asaoka… and so on. These people, following Kuroki Kou and Mariko Kuki, ushered in a new golden age of AV, and the number of times these AV girls appeared on late-night programs, magazine covers, and so on, has increased significantly.

The summer of 1991 was a time of AV debut talk for 18 year old me.

When the economy starts to tank, the first to feel it is the publicist. Customers gradually leave you, and there are also customers who do not pay back the previous credit. Everyone suffers from the collapse of the bubble economy.

When I was 18, I was eager to travel to New York, where I had been, to study abroad.

It’s true that a PR girl earns more than the average working woman, but it costs a lot of money just to be a PR girl. Designer clothes, shoes, decorations, watches, just to make herself more advanced, to make her appearance perfect, so all of it is invested in herself. Also, even if you have some bits and pieces of small money on hand, it is simply impossible to keep it if you have drinking buddies over. I understand all these things, but I still want to save up to go to New York.

On top of that, I also have a borrowing problem that exists. Including the three million yen I borrowed earlier to buy a mink coat and precious stones, I also had to cover a full two million yen in credit from the guests at the club. Studying in New York would cost at least three million yen, plus about one and a half million yen for moving expenses. All together, it’s about 10 million yen. But I still want to study abroad, so until then, I have to solve the matter at hand no matter what.

“I need money…” I concluded simply.

A few weeks after my 19th birthday, Ms. Yoshimura took me to some office in Yotsuya, a suite with no decor whatsoever, just a set of black sofas, very far from my imagination.

“How much do you need?”

A man in his 30s wearing an expensive-looking suit made of double-width fabric. He looked like a real estate agent or a salesman selling foreign cars. As soon as we met, he asked me straight out.

“Around… 10 million…”

He’s the president of this AV filming company.

“No problem! I’ll take care of it!” A smile full of confidence surfaced on the president’s face.

“If you want to study abroad from April, then work from January until March will be fine. Work for 3 months and 10 million yen is the minimum guarantee I’ll give you.”

I nodded quietly at the president’s words.

One, ten, one hundred, one thousand, one million… While counting the unseen sums in my mind, my heart had already flown to New York.

Yes, I said goodbye to the values that were constantly eroding my self and decided to become an AV actress in order to realize my dream.

“Okay, then let’s go!”

Huh? Where are you going? Ignoring my feeling of “why so sudden”, he dragged me away to a nearby studio.

“This girl, is now our newcomer, please help us take some photos for publicity.”

In the studio, there seemed to be other AV actresses as well, taking the photos needed for the paper used for video tape packaging.

I, on the other hand, was directly dressed in the outfit of the day, and I don’t know how many pictures I let the photographer take. Alas… I’ve become an AV actress, and there’s a slight feeling of indifference in my heart.

After the photo shoot, we returned to our previous office. On the table lay two unsealed envelopes totaling two million yen.

“Until then, use the money to remodel you a little more.”

“It’s just like being transformed. If plastic surgery can make you pretty, then plastic surgery is the best thing you can do. If you become beautiful after plastic surgery, you’ll be even more popular!”

Ms. Yoshimura presses her hand on my back.

“So, sign your name here?”

I signed my name on the receipt.

That’s how I got 10 million dollars, in exchange for a lot of myself.

It was also the biggest turning point in my life since I ran away from home at age 14.

I traveled to a cosmetic plastic surgeon located in Aoyama.

I don’t know what I’m here for, there’s no fear, no resistance whatsoever. But I hate pain.

It’s both painful and annoying, and even the pain of pierced ears is too much to bear, so as soon as I heard that I was going to have a scalpel cut into my body, I immediately fainted. Surgery is fine, but on the condition that general anesthesia is administered.

I lay on the bed and was admitted to a clean consulting room. The usual way was to have only local anesthesia and to carefully choose the shape and size of my breasts in front of a mirror. But I couldn’t do it, not wanting to associate myself at all with anything that had to do with surgery.

The doctor injected clear saline inside my body and first showed me the results after molding. Then I signed the consent form for the surgery.

I’m lying in bed.

“Please count slowly from 1 to 10!”

“１、２、３┅┅”

The light shining down from the ceiling began to blur, the sounds of metal clanking on scalpels and scissors and the like faded away from me, and the doctor’s voice, which I could hear only a little, felt surprisingly comfortable.

By the time I regained consciousness, the upper half of my body was wrapped in circles of bandages.

I didn’t feel any sadness that I had hurt this important body given to me by my parents… I didn’t feel any sadness at all. There was only a sense of glory, as if I had been very successful in my transformation.

People judge others with all sorts of values, but, in fact, it’s all their own consciousness.

No matter how much someone compliments you on your beauty, you can’t really say “thank you” if you don’t have the confidence to do so. If you go a little too far, you’ll think, “He’s being sarcastic,” or “You think I’m an idiot! It’s close to paranoia. Women who live their lives without being influenced by other people’s judgment are really great women. I understand that.

But it is very difficult. It is difficult to have real self-confidence even if you are feisty. So look at yourself carefully, then dress up your appearance, decorate, and mold your shape into a good woman.

If you can’t even do that, then get plastic surgery! For me, plastic surgery is a highly glamorous thing.

I did whatever I had to do in order to try to look better and have confidence in myself. Because, either body will eventually disappear. If such a day comes, let it go.

“Good! I’ve decided!”

After signing the contract with the AV actress, I told my friends clearly. Although my friends strongly urged me to “Don’t do it!” They tried very hard to stop me, but when I told people about my decision, it was after I had already signed the contract. I laughed as I told everyone about the contract.

“Ai, is it… true that you’re going to make an AV?”

Aya, who heard about my AV shoot, called. She’s the only one of us PR girls who lives at home and has a good relationship with her parents.

“Yeah, it’s true.”

“Don’t do it, like that. Don’t do it!”

“Why?”

“Because…”

“But I’ve already decided. And there’s money to be made…”

“Love, if you must do AV then I’ll cut you off and stop calling me.”

All I could think was, “You’re the one who called, aren’t you? You’re the one who called, right? Why?

“‘My friend is making AVs!’ Think about it, can you tell someone that?”

After hanging up the phone, the voice was still in my ears, “What the hell, it’s not your business.” After that, I started to get angry indiscriminately. I wanted to ask for a break because I was ashamed of myself, or because I hated it, and I wanted to ask for a break for such a capricious person!

Akemi’s words were very simple and clear: “If it were me, I wouldn’t want to do AVs!

But if Love decides to do AV, I’m not against it because it’s your life, so whatever you want.”

A unique world of nastiness.

Nasty does not mean lewd and so on. Human nastiness refers to the lust for money, filthiness.

Nasty refers to this kind of world. Even if you are in this kind of world, you still have dreams. “One day, I want to be a movie actress” or “I want to be a lead actress in a TV drama”, and many brave girls, with these thoughts in mind, keep trying to launch AVs as one of the ways to enter the world of performing arts.

I was cold and thought that those brave girls were not so much “brave” as “wrong in the head?” That’s how I looked at them.

Indeed, in this society, since Ms. Rie Miyazawa released her nude photo book, the impression of nudity presented is art. Art can change the positive evaluation of its words. But AV can be different.

“I’ve been lied to…” I realized this fact and at the same time had been lied to.

The girls all had dreams for the future, but the people at the firm had never thought about such things from the very beginning. Today they are at best a cash cow, and even the girls who are cuter than artists are used and discarded as expendable. That’s a fact, but they lied about it and then used the girls.

“Making videos is the way to become an actress!”

The girl sitting in front of the mirror in the laboratory said so with a serious and glowing look in her eyes.

She is also a member of the Money Tree AV actresses. Instead of belonging to the underage type, she is a beautiful girl with a mature and decent face. She is highly attractive with a very cute smiling face and a profile that is always classy. She also has a flamboyant flavor, although she is indeed such a girl. But with such a striking contrast between “such a cute girl doing… that kind of thing” and “such a pretty girl doing this kind of thing”, she aroused men’s sexual desires with her lascivious behavior. She fulfills the male’s desires and exists like an angel.

Junko-san has no interest in brand-name items, money, etc., and will not be deceived by men; she just really wants to become an actress, and even though she has a feeling of distrust in her heart that comes from nowhere when she takes off her clothes, she still believes in her dream.

She’s a “crybaby.”

It was true that the most annoying thing was the filming site. For a simple child like her, there were many things she couldn’t stand.

There were times when she would mention it to me in the lab.

When it came to her monthly salary, she said that she got just 200,000 yen a month casually. She didn’t say that as a whine to the firm, nor did she seek my advice, she just said that woodenly and then fell silent.

Sure, I intend to count my blessings when I get paid, but there have been times when I’ve graciously allowed the other person to cheat.

For example, there is a term called “Monogatari”. For example, if a girl is called “Iijima Ai,” she is called “Iijima Ai,” and a video is made by that girl alone. If a girl like this becomes a one-shot, the office receives a minimum of one million yen for each video. If the girl becomes very popular, the revenue will be more than one million yen and will be multiplied by several times, and one or two works will be released within a month. There are also many jobs such as shooting magazine covers and photo albums, adult movie theaters and best-selling videos, and other businesses. Since the life span of AV actresses is very short, they are often in a hurry and shoot 10 to 20 works in half a year to a year.

During this time, the person who profits the most can earn hundreds of millions of dollars and will be a “single” super popular AV actress.

That said, in the midst of all this, it’s a really outrageous thing for an actress who just casually gets paid 200,000 yen a month.

“Don’t butt in and say redundant things.” Despite what I thought, I opened my mouth and started talking about how dirty the world was, which was tainted by money. She was so pathetic… “Don’t you think it’s a bit outrageous?”

“It’s okay, I just want to be an actress.”

“But you really don’t think it’s too much at all?”

“…in order to become an actress, so it’s okay even if I’m asked to do this kind of work.”

Ms. Junko is serious.

“Go for it!”

After I said that, I was silent and gently patted her shoulder. Maybe it’s because there are girls like this that the AV industry is so prosperous, and AV operators can make money.

“Want to be an entertainer?” The streets are filled with cries of soliciting girls, then suffering deception, being undressed, and then milking you for all you’re worth. This situation, up to now, still hasn’t changed. No, maybe it’s become even more excessive now.

At that time, I only agreed to shoot an AV and was paid 10 million yen right away. “Although I felt that I had made a good profit, I heard rumors that Yoshimura-san, who had introduced me to the agency, had received a large sum of money in addition to the introduction fee. At that time, the AV industry was at the peak of the bubble economy, and nowadays, even if you sign a contract with an AV producer, many of them can’t even afford to pay 10 million yen.

If the boom is a little bit worse, there will be more or less a bunch of girls who can’t find a job after attending inauguration events. In this current recession, AVs and moonshine houses are the best jobs out there.

There are also high-class “soap girls” in the pleasure bars, but even if a customer spends 70,000 or 80,000 yen at the bar, the girls have to pay back about half of the 80,000 yen, 40,000 yen, or 30,000 yen out of 70,000 yen to the barkeeps. If a popular girl receives 10 customers in one day, that’s close to the limit. After earning about 300,000 yen a day, you can go home and take a vacation the next day. If you work half the week and rest half the week, you can earn millions of yen. However, in the current recession, customers don’t come in as often, and there are even cases where there is not a single customer for a whole day during the working hours from 12:00 in the morning to 12:00 at midnight.

When there are no customers at all, just the cost of transportation from your home to the store and back is enough to turn it into a deficit.

If they receive one customer, they will earn $30,000 or $40,000, and if they receive two customers, they will earn $70,000 or $80,000, and this is the income within 12 hours, and these are the high-class “soap girls”. In the cheaper stores, there are more, but of course, their actual income is less. They give priority to newcomers, but if they don’t perform well, they won’t be able to get customers to ask for them again.

When younger girls start to slowly move into the store and Self’s age starts to improve, it slowly puts herself at a disadvantage.

Much like AVs, these places will first concentrate for a short period of time, and if the freshness is lost, it will become less of a commodity, and in that case, even those who have done their best to last more than a decade will be left with nothing. Two years at the long end, or two months at the worse, and that’s the end of the life of the business. When the video starts to sell out, the content of the filming starts to change to something more difficult, and it is no longer just one single girl, but the same as the other girls, such as SM, gangbangs, rapes, and anal sex with a lot of men, and so on. At this point, the burden on the girls starts to get bigger, while the performance fees go down.

They take advantage of this time to retire, and then, as if it were a formula, they start to perform at strip theaters such as the Rock Seat in Asakusa. There are a lot of girls who used to be in the entertainment industry who have switched to striptease.

It’s only natural that it would evolve into this roadmap, the AV world is such a dirty, cold-blooded, overly direct world, but on the contrary, it’s easy to make big bucks if you can make a name for yourself in this business.

I’m sorry to say that even in such a treacherous environment, I’m still a success.

At any time, my basic attitude is “I can quit anytime!” From the time my first AV came out, I didn’t want to become popular or famous, because if I became that way, it would bother me, and if I started to hate it halfway through, I just had to stop doing it. At that time, I didn’t have any expectations of the world, and I didn’t have any obsessions, I just thought, “Let’s work!” I just thought, “Let’s work!

So I also perform very casually at photo shoots, and I’m actually licensed to perform this casually.

One cameraman plus one sound technician, one director, one assistant director and one field director, and the male actors. This production group of less than ten people, in a room in a small hotel somewhere, was ready to start the work of filming.

An AV actress is an important commodity in the AV industry! She’s the only one who can’t be treated casually, and you have to be very careful about how you speak to her, so when you talk to an actress, it’s as if you’re serving a queen.

“Okay, are you ready to shoot the next scene where the two meet?”

“There’s no need for that kind of scene! The audience will surely turn away with a quick spin.”

“What about these lines?”

“No what to do! It’s bound to get turned off by the audience with a quick spin anyway.”

“So, no need to record this side then?”

“No! There’s still a bit of a plot…”

“So masturbation doesn’t need a story, does it?”

That’s roughly what happened.

Just do what needs to be done and get it over with! There’s no need for all that story, artistry, or anything else!

There’s nothing better than getting it over with sooner rather than later. From the beginning, I started my work in this mood, and after I figured it out I wasn’t shy or nervous, and now that I’ve become enlightened, I’m not repulsed by the idea of being naked.

Fandom sends me this kind of letter all the time.

“Ms. Iijima Ai, your videotapes are getting less and less exciting, it doesn’t matter which one looks the same!”

That’s right! I don’t want any of them, either in terms of plot or positional variations! Of course every movie looks the same.

But there are also people who have watched all of them, but it’s quite possible that the entire movie is a climactic episode, right? Wouldn’t that be nice? In order for you to see all the highlights, so take out all the unneeded plot points.

I don’t care if you say I’m self-centered. Usually AVs are shot about once every 2 or 3 days.

“If I don’t get back before 7, the ‘Male Peacock’ supermarket will be closed! Then I won’t be able to cook, so hurry up and finish filming!”

“Overnight filming! No, no, the filming must be done in one day!”

After those words, I immediately turned around and went home.

I had the same attitude when it came to taking the photos to be used on the packaging cover of the videotape.

“Why do we have to take so many pictures when we only use one on the package cover of the video? One is enough! I don’t want to waste time taking 3 rolls of negatives!”

“I’m going back!”

“I think it’s better if you watch yourself a little bit ooh! Too much willfulness will be hated by the production group.”

My hairstylist gave me this advice when she saw my attitude, but I still haven’t changed anything.

I wasn’t actually having sex on the tape, I was actually using the so-called “borrowed position” technique.

“If I have to do it for real, I’ll quit!” When I made this clear to the firm, they nodded readily.

And when it comes to actually doing the work of filming, it’s really like a formula without any emotion.

One work day, the actor and I were both naked in bed facing each other. I closed my eyes when the actor’s lips leaned in and sucked on mine, then his lips hardened and pried my teeth apart, followed by a slippery, sticky tongue that slipped in. Next, he rubbed my breasts roughly and his lips moved to my nipples. My nipples felt his tongue mixed with sticky saliva, teasing them back and forth, so I tried to let out a gasp.

I opened my eyes and felt very dizzy from the intense light. The actor was on top of me, and I pressed my lower body close to his “there”, making him start to twist his hips.

“Yes… Suishu, there, there…”

“More… more…”

“Come… come…”

“Wanting… still wanting…”

While continually acting as if I have a feeling, I scream a single pattern of words. I don’t say any other lines other than those that are already clichéd and very false all the time.

AV shoots are as simple as that. I just want to get the job over with. It’s almost over, isn’t it? I gave a loud yell as a final ending.

Finish it off with a short blowjob for the male actor.

Sex can be dealt with by “borrowing”, but oral sex can’t be “borrowed”. Sometimes I had to take in several of them in one day, I was no longer in the mood for acting, and my face was distorted by the pain I was in.

But incredibly, the usual fleshy texture that I had gotten used to was gone, and all that seemed to be visible was a large rod. I didn’t wrap my tongue around it or use any tricks, just bobbed my head back and forth like a machine. I also knew that the male actors didn’t feel much, and that they’d be mosaiced eventually anyway, so I don’t know when I learned the trick of making noises when necessary.

Fucking and oral sex without the love component made me feel endlessly long!

Every AV ends with a formulaic face-to-face ejaculation, and this is where the borrowed angle takes the most skill. Fake semen made from egg whites mixed with oil is put into a dropper, which the actor holds in his right hand while holding his penis. From the camera, it looked as if he had really ejaculated, and after ejaculating all over my face, the actor dipped his hand in the liquid and inserted it into my mouth, saying something like I was really good.

Of course there are actresses and ladies who come to shoot with real guns, but I just can’t bring myself to have that kind of professional will, and I respect them very much on some level.

Of course, there are also people who study sex on a deeper level, like me, I’m quite interested in the work of a famous director, because his work really makes people feel sexually aroused and can liberate themselves from the movie.

But I wouldn’t want to act in his movie.

Once, for an AV shoot, we went to a couple’s hotel that specialized in SM (sexual abuse) services. In the room, there were things like a wooden triangle, a clinic room, various kinds of electric vibrators of various sizes arranged in neat rows, and equipment for threesomes (three people having sex). I was shocked by such a world, and many dirty fantasies immediately came to my mind, making my body ache as if it needed something. Still, I didn’t feel anything during the AV shoot.

I was brought to the TV station on the grounds of greeting before I had even entered the AV world and before my solo video was even released.

In one of the cafes in the TV building sat a middle-aged, slightly chubby producer of about 40 years of age, smiling and waiting for us to arrive. I heard that he was the head of some late-night program, so after our meaningless greetings, they talked amongst themselves, while I just quietly sucked my iced coffee through a straw on the sidelines since there was nothing else I could do.

“By the way, Mr. Kida, this is our newcomer, Ai Iijima.”

“I’d appreciate it.”

“And you’re much more instructive. By the way, how old are you?”

“It’s 19 years old.”

They started some more meaningless pleasantries and I had a good chance to finish my introductions.

“We’re having auditions for a new unit of our program!” After that, they were still talking about work and other old-fashioned things. I, who had no interest from the beginning, smoked a cigarette while looking around at the other guests.

On the third day after my meeting with Mr. Kida, the president of the office came to me and told me, “You’re going to be on TV.”

“Tomorrow and the day after tomorrow, you’ll be in the studio at 1:00 p.m. Ask your agent for the location, got it? Please.”

Although AV performances are no longer difficult for me, because I was afraid of being found out by both my parents, I had told my office that I would not do anything else but AVs, but I was screwed, and now no matter how much I protest, no one will listen.

“It’s okay! Since it’s a late night program, the family shouldn’t be able to see it since it’s included in the promotional campaign, so please! Ai also wants her videotape to sell well, right?”

At that time, I didn’t realize that no matter how well an AV sells, the amount of money an actor receives doesn’t change. At that time, I mistakenly thought that if the AVs sold well, then the extra profit should be able to give me a little more savings.

There was nothing else I could do anyway, so I took the job and asked when and where the shoot would take place.

I woke up at 11:00 am on the day of the shoot. Although I could have made it if I had rushed there, since it’s not uncommon to be late for AV shoots, I just had to finish within the time frame, and I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal if I wasn’t there anyway! So I smoked a cigarette, then took my time to shower, put on some make-up… and then rushed over to the location while carrying my drafts. By the time I got there, it was already 3:00 p.m., two hours late.

The moment I entered the studio, I couldn’t even say, “I’m sorry I’m late.” I couldn’t even say “I’m sorry I’m late.

I don’t know how many cameras and spotlights, and a large group of people as if they were working with a murderous aura, this is not the same as the general small family AV shooting scene, everyone is very concentrated, this is a very formal video recording scene.

Although I could have made it, I was still 2 hours late, and it was good to see that the venue looked like it had just finished rehearsing.

“By all means, give me a good reading before the official show!”

Having gotten the script from the dreaded director, I immediately began to bury my head in the sand and read the densely written text inside.

Because I’ve decided to play in the “T-Panty News” program.

I can’t remember a single thing about the official performance, and I don’t even really know what I did except that I was nervous, because in the past, when AV was recording, it was the main axis of the operation that treated me like a queen, and everyone took great pains in treating me as a commodity, constantly saying that there were only a few people who were working together, and telling me not to be nervous in the hope that I would be able to be a little bit more calm because I knew exactly what I was going to do.

I was just a pawn in a well-prepared plan. The amount of money earned and the number of staff members were completely different between the two. But TV programs don’t work the same way. I was just a pawn in a well-prepared plan. The amount of money earned and the number of staff members were completely different between the two.

“You’re a full-fledged actor now, so cheer up!”

On the way back, the director suddenly said this.

“What official actor?”

I had no idea there was such a thing.

After that, I started appearing weekly on TV Tokyo’s late-night erotic program Tokyo Erotica Pie in a completely confusing situation. It was a late night program, but it was kind of nice, at least I didn’t have to do AV anymore. And it’s been a few years since I’ve seen myself and my family, plus I’ve gotten a bit of a tan now, so I really look a lot different than I used to. Before I would have tried to say that I don’t want my family to find out, but now I feel that if I really can’t hide it from them, then it’s okay.

It’s because of this thought that I’ve continued to be involved in television.

It’s easy to change some minds. Although I really thought about quitting this job at one point, from the viewer’s point of view, perhaps it’s also impossible to imagine something as interesting as this! Regardless of the slang or vulgarity of the subject matter, if it lifts the audience’s mood, we’ll talk about it, no matter what. If you’re in the mood for “Succeed in show business!” If I feel like that, I have to dress up and conquer my serious self, and that’s a mood I didn’t have before. Because I was a newcomer, I was asked to perform well and do my best at work. Because I’m a newcomer, I’m allowed to do whatever I want, and it doesn’t matter what I say, I just have to say what’s on my mind.

However, after becoming an official TV actress, the attitude of the office started to change, and the number of photo album shoots and gravure shoots, which had never been done before, started to increase dramatically, and all of them went smoothly.

Other AV actresses who participate in TV performances are willing to show their breasts in order to be promoted on TV, just to have a chance to show their faces on the program, but for me, although I have the experience of being famous for wearing T-type underwear, I have never taken off my clothes directly on the program. I’ve never taken off my clothes on a program, and I’ve never taken out a nude photo for a photo book, only a swimsuit photo at most.

She signed a contract at the end of October of the previous year and began shooting AVs, and in January of the following year she began participating in “Tokyo Erotica Pie”.

The first AV was released in March. Since the initial release of the first AV was in March, and the contract stipulated that no more AVs could be filmed during the three months, the job ended, and my boyfriend wanted me to call it a day.

But I’m the only one who thinks so.

“If you work another 3 months, you are guaranteed a minimum paycheck at least double what you got last time.”

I was almost engulfed by the number in that moment. I was completely ready to quit, but I was shocked by “20 million dollars”. It was twice the amount of the last contract of $10 million, and I could get it in my hands after only three months of doing the same job. I had told many people that I was sick of the job, but I thought that since I had gotten used to it, there was no harm in continuing to do it. But I have never told anyone anything like that.

I didn’t discuss it with my boyfriend and agreed to extend the contract.

The streets are starting to feel like winter.

People’s eyes are also beginning to see crowds of people in jackets, and street trees that were previously leaking red or yellow are beginning to lose their leaves.

Acting activities are also going well. After I stopped making AVs, I began to realize what it takes to be an actress.

I drove home as usual after the TV taping that day. I opened the door to my apartment and walked into the foyer.

“I’m back!”

In a voice that he could hear even from his room, I took off my boots as I spoke and felt a lot more relaxed after taking off my coat. Then I eased my footsteps into the room, but I don’t know if he was out, he wasn’t in the room.

I walked out of the room and hugged myself tightly because the person who should normally be in there wasn’t.

His luggage is all gone.

He should have gone somewhere, right? The warm space where two people had been living together suddenly turned cold in that moment.

I just dropped to the floor and started bawling like a child.

October 31st is my birthday.

For my 19th birthday, I got my friends from the club and disco to celebrate with a dance party. Actually, it was just the same friends, the same music and the same drinks as usual. It was all the same as always, the same storyline over and over again, and I was getting tired of it. But that’s all I can do. A birthday like this is just like any other day, even though it’s a birthday, it’s just like any other day.

But a surprising change came upon me suddenly.

Ji-Emi leaned over and quietly whispered in my ear.

“Hey! Minzy wanted me to say happy birthday to you. He couldn’t attend your birthday because he went to LA, so he asked me to say happy birthday to you on his behalf.”

Toshiyuki was a DJ at the disco we frequented, originally very active in New York, with dreams of bringing a new trend to Japanese dance clubs. We hardly ever talked directly.

Since he’s someone that both Ji-Emi and Junko know, I don’t want there to be a situation that will cause trouble for all of them.

And that’s why I was a little surprised that he, who I almost never talk to, would ask Ji-Emi to deliver a birthday message to me.

“Really? Thanks for telling me about it.”

Despite what I said on the surface, I started to get curious about him. Why was he like that? I asked in a roundabout way.

“How’s it going with him these days?”

“Just friends! Hardly ever see each other!”

Ji Megumi replied without changing her face or being indifferent.

Women are creatures who will say what’s on their mind, but will also lie when it comes to preserving their pride and vanity.

Half-heartedly, I asked again, “Really?” And she replied with a nothing smile.

“Really! Nothing ever happened with him, just normal friends.”

“I’ll just thank him directly then, give me his number!”

“Yeah!”

Ji Megumi told me right away.

I want to meet with Minzy.

I thought about him, the sweet voice and gentle smile. Because I had always thought that I wouldn’t have any contact with him, I was so surprised to receive a message that I had never thought of.

I called him before I could recover from my nerves. While I was still thinking the phone in his room should have rung, it was switched to an answering machine.

Although I always assume it will be answered in person, the next phone message I’m going to say has actually been thought out. What kind of message to leave? You have to assess the person’s phone habits first. None of my friends like to answer the phone directly, they usually use the answering machine to confirm the other person’s voice before answering the phone, so leaving a message on the answering machine has become a technique for subtle interaction between men and women.

So I considered the message that girls usually leave and pressed the button for the phone. Of course, I’m a girl too.

“This is Love. Thank you so much for the birthday message, I really enjoyed it, please call me back.”

After leaving my phone number, I put the phone down.

The confidence that you are about to have in yourself again and the nervousness of waiting for your favorite man to call you back is the same for anyone. The more you like each other, the more uneasy and expectant you feel, but everyone seems to like this kind of worrying feeling.

He called me right back. When he said, “I want to see you,” I felt like I was surrounded by his voice. We arranged to go out to dinner together, and I thought to myself that I was really happy to be able to go out with the person I had envisioned, Min Ji.

Happiness came so suddenly.

Minzy hasn’t been back to her apartment since that day.

“Let’s stay together!”

Saying that while looking at my Minzy on the pillow makes me feel very sweet every day.

Coming home after an exhausting day of filming to find the house lights on and opening the door with my favorite Minzy coming out to greet me, so spending time with him has made my life healthy.

But Minzy suddenly disappeared.

After 3 days, after a week, he didn’t come back.

I cried constantly every day.

The live broadcast of the program was not recorded. Even the host couldn’t watch it and said on TV, “Ai, don’t get angry about this kind of thing anymore.”

Although the agent kept calling, I couldn’t be bothered to answer the phone.

“I’ll meet you by the apartment.” The agent left this message.

Even with the sadness in my heart, I still get hungry, but I don’t have the strength to cook.

I ordered a delivery pizza, but because my agent had left me a message saying “I’m next to your house” and I was afraid that he would come in while I was opening the door to get the pizza, I locked the door with the locking mechanism, opened the door only 10 centimeters, and brought in the pizza standing upright.

Back in real life opened the box of pizza and took a slice of what had become a miserable pizza to eat, but despite getting cheese and bread in my mouth, my mind still couldn’t think about anything.

We used to keep exchange journals during the days when the two of us were together.

１９９１．１１．４

I’ll start living with Minzy today.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been with a man I love.

Although it is clear that you can live with your favorite person if you want to, you can’t imagine the two of you living together every day.

And it’s only been a month since we started happily dating.

But Ai still loved and adored Min Ji… and didn’t want to leave you even for a second.

Before that, I often tried to see different kinds of Minzy, so I loved Minzy more and more.

Love will always love Minzy.

Please don’t make me experience loneliness or bitterness.

Give me nothing but love for Toshiyuki!

１９９１．１１．１１

Make hot cakes for Minzy.

It’s such a blessing to spend time with Minzy!

Ahhhh ~ wanting to move to NYC and live there sooner than later.

But it’s going to be a long wait.

But all that comes to mind now is work.

This won’t work… We must decide our own business quickly.

１９９１．１１．１１

During the first few months of not having a job, all that was on your mind was that you could settle down if you started working early.

Thinking about going to live in New York and getting busy and forgetting all about it.

There are all kinds of confusions in the mind, love, sorry.

Wanted to study abroad in New York with Love early and live there together.

I want to save all the money I’ve worked so hard to earn so far.

Life isn’t very stable right now, but I’ll be thinking about the future.

I’m going to marry Ai! I’m only in love with love. My love.

Today it’s scones.

It’s delicious.

１９９１．１２．２５

I’m happy today! I corrected my shortcomings of being acute and hopefully will always be there for each other.

None of the flaws that I had previously tried to correct turned out to be corrected at all.

Walking with love… really happy.

I apologize for yesterday because of my acute nature.

Mentally vowing never to give love to anyone else.

I happened to see the night view of Shinjuku.

I was excited to finally meet.

１９９１．１２．２７

Minzy, love will always be there for you.

Love’s dreams will not be realized and happiness will not be attained if Minzy is not by Ai’s side.

１９９２．１．１８

I’ve been so busy with work lately that I’ve hardly had any time to spend with my beloved Minzy.

Really busy.

But Minzy is always at home, cleaning up the house and waiting for Love to come back.

Thank you.

Min Ji, whom I love, is gentle and considerate…

What a blessing.

Only Minzy, love will never be given to anyone.

Minzy is the most important person to love.

Lately… I’m really sorry.

１９９２．１．１９

Haven’t had time to be together lately.

Getting up and talking for only 1 or 2 hours.

It can’t be helped because love has to work. It’s lonely!

Because everything done up to this point has been together, it’s even more so that you don’t want to let love go, you don’t want to let it go.

Please come back early!

So sick of this.

It’s so lonely.

I’m tired of eating alone. I haven’t eaten together lately!

I wish I had made love mine alone earlier, it’s so lonely, love.

１９９２．２．４

Is Min Ji lonely?

Why was Minzy, who obviously loved the most, so far away?

Love has been thinking about Minzy in Bali.

Minzy is the most important person to Ai.

It will always be the love of the most important person in the future as well.

Please, let love be your bride!

Only Minzy, I don’t want to give you to any other girl.

All his life love wanted to stay by Minzy’s side.

Really please.

１９９２．２．４

It’s always the time alone that starts to add up.

So once in a while you want to go crazy.

But again, I want to settle down sooner rather than later.

It’s so hard.

At this rate, love might go somewhere I can’t get to!

Hate that I only think of the bad parts.

It must be endured… although it’s hard, hard work, just keep thinking about our love and you’ll calm down.

Please, please stay by my side!

I will never give love to anyone else, never give love to anyone else.

The first time I really loved someone na!

It’s really hard.

Always alone.

But I don’t have a problem with it! I’m always alone, though!

Although I am embarrassed about love, I work very hard… I can’t anticipate the future without a job; I get disgusted and hate myself.

So now all I can do is wait for love and guard it.

Now all I can do is look at love.

Just want to be together for a lifetime.

１９９２．２．１７

Please, please stay with me.

Please don’t think about parting.

Neither the present nor the future can imagine life without you, nor do I want to think about life without you.

But thinking about how I feel when I’m with both Minzy, I’m nothing more than a normal girl.

Love for you is not lost to anyone.

It’s busy, but as your girlfriend, a lot of what I don’t give to others I can give to you!

Despite being given lonely hours to work alone, I’ve struggled up to this point to be able to get two people on a happy vacation together.

Even though we’ve only known each other for 3 months, we have all kinds of memories… There’s so much more that we want to do together.

Already really hating life without Minzy around.

I don’t know what to do.

It’s so hard to find the most important and favorite you… I still feel uneasy even though I am tenderly staying by my side.

When you are happy, the thought of not knowing when that happiness will leave starts to unsettle you.

Wanted to look at you well enough to keep Minzy in my mind forever.

Definitely don’t part ways.

Love in this life will never love anyone else but Minzy.

Please love me all the time!

１９９２．３．８

Each day in an unchanging room continues to wait for love.

Each day became very long.

It’s so boring to go to Shibuya to buy a jacket and not be able to find a nice one at all!

No matter what you do, it’s boring!

Trying to get love out of that world quickly.

Trying to make a new life in New York.

So much for calming down this cranky mood now, right?

I hate that this is happening right now.

I hope it passes sooner rather than later.

１９９２．３．１８

I’m sorry, I was wrong.

There is no way to do the job the way it is wanted now.

And having to suppress my emotions… whether it’s work or whatever, and even my own affairs… even going home is a nuisance to me now.

I’m sorry.

All I really think about, even when I’m not working, is the part of me that pampers you and the part of me that runs away.

I can’t afford not to address it early and definitively.

Please believe me.

Definitely not seeing things differently, still love you, just want to think about the future properly.

１９９２．４．１

Why does Minzy hate it?

Why is it so annoying?

Is it because we don’t get along?

It’s so lonely… Please accept my mood!

Trying to get in.

Trying to get my tongue in your anus.

God, please.

１９９２．４．４

Love, it’s lonely!

Come back soon!

It’s so boring!

１９９２．６．１６

Wanted to have the child of my favorite Minjoo.

It’s so sad.

But for us now, it’s still not possible to have children.

Irresponsible love is the worst.

I really wanted to give birth.

Something like this probably won’t happen a 2nd time.

Next time love will be happy to give birth when life stabilizes in New York in the future.

Use this one child’s portion together to raise him as well! Toshiyuki.

Whether it’s because of love or because of the kids, please be a good dad!

From now on there’s only love for Minzya too!

We’ll be together every day soon!

１９９２．６．１８

Sorry about the love.

Always apologizing.

Either way, it’s both sad and pathetic.

I’m being irresponsible, but I’m seriously reflecting on it.

You won’t understand whatever is said now, will you!

And all I can say to my kids is sorry.

Even though the next pregnancy could go well with a child, don’t forget that there is another person who should survive as well.

It’s so embarrassing to always make you feel hard.

If it’s something I can do, I’ll bet my life on accomplishing it.

But I really want this baby too.

１９９２．６．３０

I’m back, Minzy.

Back from surgery!

Ai is very spirited!

I have literally removed the little baby.

That’s sad.

I’m sorry, little baby.

Please hate me for being the one who couldn’t give birth to you.

Minzy, love doesn’t matter.

Just wanted to apologize to the little baby.

１９９２．９．３０

The loneliness remains unchanged.

However, I don’t know when it started, but there were a lot of little quarrels.

What remains the same is that I still kiss love, but I still occasionally feel uneasy.

Love gone cold.

Because he was a man, he said it anyway, even though he didn’t want to care about the little places.

After getting to know Love, I gradually thought about what my true character really is.

Strong? Weak? Gentle? Or cold?

Doing whatever you want to do will only hurt others up to this point.

Even if it’s retribution, there should be a reason for it!

Decided to forget about the nasty things up until yesterday.

Be more like a man and more mature in embracing love.

I fell in love with her knowing the pros and cons of love.

Even if it’s just an ordinary life day in and day out, it’s important to value the time you have together more.

Love, I will try to be more mature, so stay with me all the time!

I hope we can make it so that even when we are old we are still happy, as our friends say we are.

Never leave my side. I love you, love.

１９９２．１０．１

Ai, I’m alone today too!

Come back early!

It’s so lonely. It’s so lonely!

It’s just me.

I hate this feeling.

I couldn’t bear to close my diary.

He didn’t call.

Where did he go? What was he doing? There was absolutely no news, and I continued to take time off from work and didn’t go to work.

Nonetheless, after 2 weeks, I was getting used to it physically and mentally, and it was hard for me to go back to work. Then 1 week went by, 2 weeks went by, and after 1 month I gradually died. I can’t stop the tears if I cry them out, but I’ve learned to suppress my tears.

By now, because of the guilt I felt for him, I disregarded both my friends’ invitations and my relationships at work, and just wanted to go straight home. But he who would be there waiting is no longer there, and even if I go back earlier, there are no longer lights at home.

I had to call friends, walk around the block, dress up in fancy clothes, and cause a bunch of serious commotion before I got home. Now I’m coming from that mess.

“Thanks for taking care of it!”

As I was asked for autographs and handshakes on the street, I began to have a practical realization of what kind of position I held in life and what I was recognized as by the people of the world.

Of course I can’t be affirmed by girls yet, and it’s almost always boys who can affirm me, but the fact is that it makes me feel more or less better when I’m flattered.

I also got in touch with my ex-boyfriends who I hadn’t talked to in 1 or 2 years and told them about my breakup. Maybe it was because they heard my tearful voice when I mentioned why I broke up, they felt very worried and wanted to ask for clarification, and came to my house in the middle of the night.

I neglected my friends before because I had a lover, and I felt very sorry afterwards. Friends are really important, I realized that when I lost my love, and I felt very happy when I was surrounded by kind and gentle friends.

But in fact I was wrong again.

Those boyfriends knew my he left and immediately and rightfully pressed on me.

“Stop!” I was about to yell when my lips were sealed by their forceful kiss.

For a moment, though I was still suspicious of the person who was holding me down, I remembered that because I had been so devoted to Minzy, I had actually forgotten that I had been in that kind of environment… that’s how I’d gotten all the way here!

In that short period of happiness with Minzy, he gave me a pure heart.

Thinking back, I decided to fight back against the person in front of me, inhaling the other person’s tongue and surrounding him with my hands, that’s the kind of person I am! The other person pressed down like that, and the sound of my own gasps covered the silence. The boyfriends overlapped their bodies and filled the place that was once occupied by Toshiyuki.

But that’s not enough to fill it, not enough to fill it.

That’s how it’s been until now.

The need for a man’s body in order to fill the loneliness.

Even if you only have a body, you want to pursue that sense of actuality.

If I didn’t, it wouldn’t fulfill my fantasies about my favorite person, the gaping hole my favorite person left in my heart, and I wanted someone else to fill it.

Work is getting busier and busier.

I’m 23 years old and entering my 5th year since starting out in acting.

In the beginning, when I heard the performer or director say, “Let’s go for a drink after work,” I always thought to myself, “This guy must be up to no good!”

But when I noticed it again, I was no longer the person people were inviting.

“What do you think about that comment?”

“Eh… isn’t it good?”

It’s natural for me to talk about work, and even though I had originally only planned to survive in the industry depending on the situation, I still joke around about it.

“You, look at the atmosphere more or less!”

“Sorry, off topic?”

“And you’re not selling sexy actresses anymore, so think a little before you work, too!”

“If talk shows don’t work, just go back and take it off again!” I mindlessly just replied.

“No way.” People say that.

“No way! So, what the hell am I going to do?” I said in frustration.

“So…”

Although I originally wanted to live in the acting world for a while, I don’t know when I started to like it.

Every artist who is active in show business has their own personality, talent and attraction.

As a viewer, looking through the tube of the TV, I often say, “Why is this guy red?” Or “What a boring program!” Or even “This popular celebrity is an idiot!” But when you try to do it yourself, you will realize the difficulties. Whether you are lucky or unlucky, you have to face it seriously.

“That sucks! How did you become conservative?”

It was while this was going on that someone unexpected called me at home.

Just as I was finishing up at work and collapsing into the couch exhausted, the phone rang. I let the phone switch to voicemail as usual. “Sis? I don’t suppose you’re on a TV show, are you? I don’t think so, are you? Call back if you’re coming home.”

The voice that came from the phone was my mother. I don’t know what kind of access she got it from, but my mother knew my home phone number.

I did not pick up the microphone.

Nine years have passed since I left home when I was 14.

“Did they watch the TV program?”

How much did the family really know? That question first came to my mind.

I have a black mole in my belly button. When I was going to make an AV, I would put foundation on the area where the mole was before I started recording for fear that they would recognize me. I also went to a tanning salon and changed my hair to a brown color, so I made quite a few changes. In addition to that, I even changed my year of birth. If these things were revealed, it would be terrible and they would be very angry.

Up to the present, while I’ve been very careful in order to not want to be outed, it wasn’t purely just because I was afraid they’d get angry.

For parents, the fact that their daughters are AV actresses is a shock, and no matter what, they are too sorry for their parents who are AV actresses. The price of living the way I like is that I don’t want to cause my parents any trouble or distress. As I stared at the phone, I wondered if I should tell them about all the things I’ve done since becoming an entertainer, and all the things I’ve been cheated on. But all these things that I had to tell them but found it difficult to do so were already in the past, and nowadays I don’t feel guilty about them anymore.

Fingers pressed the familiar number in his memory.

“This number is suspended. Please check and call again…”

Hmm? How come it’s not working? I dialed several times and couldn’t get through. Turns out, I forgot to put a 3 in front of the bureau number, which made me feel even more like quite some time had passed since I left home.

Calling your favorite people and parents is nerve-wracking no matter what time of day it is.

“Hey…”

As before, my mother’s elegant voice came from the other end of the phone. It had been a long time since I had heard my mother’s voice, and it was incredible not to feel that she was angry. If I had been a teenager, she would have burst into a rage at the mere sound of my voice, now it just made one feel emotional.

“I… It’s me…”

“Ah! Sister…”

The answer was a very spirited and reassuring voice. I wanted to say as much as a mountain of words, but how would I say them? We did not know each other. The intermittent conversation went on like this for several minutes.

“Huh, it’s really you?”

My mother seemed to be able to understand when I mentioned something that appeared on a TV program. Anyway, a long time ago, my younger brother Kenta held up a pornographic magazine and asked, “Isn’t that my sister?” It was a picture of a girl with bronzed skin showing her ass in a T-shirt panty. When my mother looked at the picture, she couldn’t believe it for a while. It wasn’t until I recently appeared on a quiz program that she was convinced.

“At that time, I laughed it off with the thought of ‘no way’, but that’s really what happened, isn’t it!”

I heard my mother say this accompanied by a sigh.

“What have you been doing? You seem to have a lot of energy now…”

“Eh!”

“But it also brings trouble and distress to family members and relatives! Think it over before you do it! But anyway, I hope you’ll come home.”

“Eh!”

I said something I didn’t even realize was a simple, direct answer. I hung up the phone, but the sound still seemed to linger in the room. Although there is still a gap between me and my parents, the fact that they are my parents will not change.

Anyway, let’s go back for this New Year’s Eve… I thought so.

It’s as if one hair moves the whole body and everything starts to change.

A nostalgic friend also called the office at this time.

“A man named Mori called! He said it’s urgent that you call him back. It’s a Mr. Ishikawa I don’t know what’s wrong with him, but do you know him? This person?”

“Knowing is knowing…”

Listening to the agent’s transmission, I answered while being surprised.

In an office like this, which is mainly a business deal, it’s not uncommon to get random phone calls from people who are targeting me or fans who like me, so the agent will always ask for the name of the caller and their contact information before checking with me.

Is it someone I know or not? Then I make the final reply. But the people who are really close to me know my cell phone or home phone number, so they don’t call the office.

No matter if it’s a lover, a friend, or an emergency that I can’t get in touch with at work and have to find me, I haven’t had a single call so far. I thought to myself, “Is this not a prank call? At the same time, I was a bit worried. The person who called me, Mori, hadn’t been in touch for a long time, and Mr. Ishikawa and I were in a situation where we didn’t communicate with each other at all.

I don’t know how long ago I broke off my relationship with Mr. Ishikawa, who I hated so much that I didn’t want to see him for the second time.

Now that I think about it, he’s kind of one of my benefactors.

What happened…?

On a slip of paper with a phone number, the agent wrote, “Urgent, please call me back quickly.”

I went to the beach in the middle of the day and sunbathed on the sand while admiring the sunlight reflecting on the tides like inverted triangles in a work of art.

Mr. Ishikawa was at the beach in Shonan, wearing fluorescent green bikini trunks and sunglasses that covered his eyes like ski goggles.

“It’s me, recognize me?”

Walking along the shore with a confident stance, like a model, was his usual way. Although I felt embarrassed to follow behind him, I could only keep my distance and follow with a bitter smile on my face.

I don’t think I would have made it to Shonan if I hadn’t asked him to take me there.

By night we’d go to the disco, show our sun-bleached skin, and look for prey in the ballroom.

Mr. Ishikawa dances awkwardly to the rhythm with his left hand at his waist and his right hand raised.

Saying, “See?” While dancing.

I named the dance “Ishikawa Odori” and laughed at him from a distance. I would never dance with him because it was embarrassing.

But I wouldn’t have been able to luxuriate in the VIP room if he hadn’t taken me there.

Mr. Ishikawa’s greatest pride was his car. If you hear loud western music coming from the intersection of Roppongi, it is probably Mr. Ishikawa’s car.

“Ahh… that sucks… don’t look over here!” After I said that, I walked away, but I heard the sound of a car behind me.

“Ai-chan~ Where are you going?” I was called.

He bought a convertible Mercedes-Benz, opened the top and headed for the Third Coastal Highway. Despite the cloudy skies, the new car launch took place rain or shine.

“It’s comfortable, isn’t it?” How could it be comfortable! It’s raining harder and harder.

“Hmm… It’s a bit cold… I don’t know if it’s psychological…”

“Ah! Really! Are you cold?” He said and turned the heat up to maximum.

Don’t do that. Please close the convertible top.

The CHOPARD watch of about two million yen shines on my hand, and I’m wearing a sable coat of about one and a half million yen. I envied Akemi’s silver fox coat made of eight foxes, and I borrowed money from Mr. Ishikawa to buy it because I wanted to get it no matter what.

“Thank you very much indeed, I will work hard to pay you back little by little.”

It’s all a lie. Even the rent and gift money I borrowed from him at the time, I still haven’t paid back. The gratitude only existed for that moment at the time.

One is sure not to forget when one gives, but forgets immediately what one receives from others.

“Mr. Ishikawa is dead!”

Mr. Mori did say that.

But the cause of death is unknown, saying that he collapsed in the living room of his house wearing only a pair of underwear, and it is not known how many days later he was found by his parents.

No matter who you ask, you don’t know the cause of his death.

Although not terribly certain, it does not appear to be recognized as a suicide. Since there was no attempt or motive for suicide, there was also a complete lack of clues to homicide.

What a sad truth.

I think Mr. Ishikawa is only in his early 30s!

Though he housed me away from home, he did not ask for my body as a price; though he lent me a room as a minor, he did not make it conditional on a physical relationship; and even though he lent me large sums of money without a job, he never asked me to pay for it with my body.

I can’t understand why, but I’m content with the status quo. Mr. Ishikawa’s presence is something convenient for me.

The days when the two of us aren’t active together, incredibly I’m always hanging out with younger boys.

Trying to remember now, everyone around Mr. Ishikawa was a cowboy, Mr. Mori was the manager of that kind of store, and Shinichi and Kyosuke made money at that kind of place.

Almost every person he introduced me to as a “friend” was one of those people.

He sometimes comes to the Ginza Club where I work as a guest.

“Today is on me!”

“That goes without saying. Don’t even think about who you owe this day to.”

He let out a high octave laugh through his nose. No matter how many times this nasty thing happened, I put up with it. It was because of a kind of guilt of borrowing money from him and feeling indebted to him, and he didn’t tell me I had to pay him back right away.

I now make enough money from my job to go out and have fun, so it’s all about going out with only close friends.

If you want something premium or a large sum of money, I have more rich people to take advantage of.

For me Mr. Ishikawa no longer has a need to exist.

Just naturally drifted away from Mr. Ishikawa without even noticing it.

“Pay me back all the money I’ve lent you up to this point!” Mr. Ishikawa demanded this of me quite suddenly.

“┅┅”

Is this the day…?

Even though I never touched on it, it’s true that I borrowed money from him.

I didn’t pay it back and I don’t know when he’ll ask me for it.

“I have no way to pay you back.” That was all I could say. Then he promised.

And I slept with Ishikawa.

He’s not actually a homosexual.

“It’s time to move out of here already!” I made my decision.

That’s the end of it, I was just using him, and I blame myself for using him the way I did, but the other guys were seeing him in the same way. Nevertheless, did he not feel lonely about everyone leaving him? We each said as we wished, reproaching ourselves, reflecting on ourselves, and then reaffirming ourselves.

People die.

People can’t go to pay back if they’re already dead.

One can only be thankful if one is already dead.

“Love, I’ve decided.”

Akemi did say so on the other end of the line.

“Really? Been to the hospital? Are you okay?”

I naturally answered that way when it came down to it. Facing my voice full of sympathy, she laughed while saying, “I don’t want to take it off.”

“Huh?”

I left a question mark and heard her say, “I want to give birth.”

On Akemi’s birthday, I bought her an electric vibrator as a gift.

It was meant to be a joke and she happily took the vibrator back. I didn’t realize that something happened on the 2nd day.

Later that night, a male she had been harboring a crush on came to spend the night in her room, and drunkenly she stood in front of him with her legs crossed.

“There’s something good here. Want to try it?”

Akemi was holding an electric vibrator that made a “buzzing” sound and vibrated vigorously.

On Day 2, she recalled memories of last night as the two of us laughed and ate our lunch, making so much noise that the guests at the next table were getting a little impatient.

The lovers, who had been dating for a long time, later had a fight. “It’s over between us.” Akemi cried and screamed as she barged into someone else’s room. “I’m going to die!” Facing Akemi, who was waving a kitchen knife in her hand, I stared at her from the beginning and calmly said, “That’s enough…” And they both burst out laughing.

“I’m going to die!” One day, she looked like she was going to jump off the balcony of my room. “Jumping off the 4th floor might kill you!” I said, fanning the flames. “…Fractures are painful!” I remembered her saying that while laughing at the time.

“Isn’t it great!” She suddenly displayed the watch in her hand in front of my eyes.

It was a platinum Rolex watch that I couldn’t afford without 5 or 6 million yen, and I remember the lovely smile of smugness that filled her face.

She was there for me in all my lonely moments. At Christmas time when there was no lover and I was alone, Akemi came to my room with her boyfriend and brought a chocolate roll to play. I was so happy that I wanted to hug her tightly, but that chocolate roll was eaten all by herself. Although there were as many men as mountains pursuing her, what bothered her was whether the boyfriend in front of her understood her feelings.

She travels to Roppongi almost every day in order to meet up with him, who works in one of the bars there, and the two of them talk on the phone constantly, and finally get what they want when he comes to Akemi’s room to spend the night, but Akemi is troubled that he doesn’t take a shot at her.

“That guy is weird!”

A love seminar gathering female friends begins.

“He must have some kind of defect.”

“What?”

“Premature ejaculation!”

“Nasty, so colorful!”

We all talked about it one way or the other.

“Maybe it’s because he likes you so much that he doesn’t just take a shot at you ah! You do understand the fear of losing something more important by having casual sex, don’t you?”

“Would someone like that really work in a place like Roppongi?”

A mix of heartfelt and jokey banter that had everyone laughing out loud.

I listened to Akemi whine one night because she couldn’t make things work with him. Afterward Akemi, who was having dinner at home with her boyfriend, invited me to her house.

“I was going to have shabu-shabu, but it’s too boring with only two people, so if you can, come over and eat with us!”

Originally, I was worried about being a light bulb getting in the way of the two of them spending time, “Come on, come on.” But Akemi heard her simple invitations one after another before I could even consider them.

“So… is it okay if I go? Thank you.”

For me, who couldn’t stay in the room alone, I felt that my friends were really good. But at that very moment, “Excuse me, Ai, buy a 3-person shabu-shabu beef and come over! We’ll both be waiting for you!”

What the hell, this guy.

“I’m not going then, what the hell!”

“It’s the ‘Must Buy Meat Battle’!”

The conclusion came out, and as per her original plan, I headed to her house with shabu shabu’s premium beef.

The two of them had prepared the pot, not waiting for me but for the meat to arrive. If this is what makes Akemi like Akemi, then this is what makes him like him.

“Great. If Ai doesn’t come, we’re going to have vegetable hot pot today!”

While saying that, the unhappiness from earlier was forgotten with the laughter as he joked around with them.

That’s it, she often uses the atmosphere around her in a masterful way, that’s the kind of girl she is.

Akemi, who is becoming more and more feminine as she gets older, has a bright and straightforward personality.

“If I don’t do it once today, I won’t fuck you for 48 days in a row, you dick, get your ass back here.”

It’s not uncommon to call a lover’s office and say such things.

But, at the same time, it hurts the other side.

“Love, haven’t I been very attractive lately?”

I’m so lonely with no night life with him in a long term relationship! Am I really that unattractive? Or does he have another woman?

Even though they face each other every day, they are still bothered by many things.

I had a lively discussion about it with my other cisgender peers.

“Can a woman only be on the passive side?…”

“Doesn’t one need to dedicate oneself one day?”

From the boring topic of yesterday’s intense sex to the question of whether you’d want to masturbate after you’ve slept with a man of poor technique…?

Would love to try that kind of thing, etc., whatever the topic is.

After the group picked a name, negotiated a response, and integrated everyone’s discussion, ‘The Great Attention to Me Campaign’ came out.

After a final discussion about using panties as a weapon of war, the final weapon we decided on was red lace panties.

These are the perverted panties I got when I was making AVs. For men who are easily aroused by sight, the color red is the most attractive.

“It’ll be a different night than usual!”

“It would definitely work with this!”

Despite the words, the end result, in the end, was failure.

When she got home, she suddenly flashed her ass at him, who was playing a video game, and seemed to be winking while saying, “How’s that? Am I sexy?” The video game was almost broken, but at this moment he was blocked from the view, how could he not be angry?

“Ai, it’s a frighteningly perverted pair of panties, please don’t give it to me as a gift.” She got this attention from him.

Akemi is pregnant.

The boy’s father is a dancer in a show bar, and on vacation he plays on the soccer team. In order to cheer him up, Akemi makes him a bento every Sunday.

As for their marriage, I am against it. I don’t know much about him, but as far as income goes, Akemi does make more. Either way, Akemi has lost more than she has gained.

“Forget it, Akemi, don’t do something that makes life harder!”

Akemi is bitter about her inability to have a normal relationship until she runs into this guy.

People in the lonely time, always want to put their life center of gravity in others, and convinced that if this person, will be a lifetime of good to me, or else is with this person together, will not be lonely, each other will be mutual trust and mutual understanding, mutual support. However, if one gambles everything for the sake of expectation, interpersonal relationships will become more complicated, not to mention between men and women. People should know that this is the most unstable relationship in the world!

“No problem, I’ll be happy.” Akemi said firmly.

“Love, don’t worry, I’ll be absolutely happy, I’ve decided.”

It’s up to you to make your own decisions, so maybe I’m just being nosy.

“Congratulations…”

I don’t know why, but my tears, they kept coming.

It wasn’t because of regret, nor did I feel happy. The reason I’m sad is probably because I think Akemi was taken away from me!

Until now, both of us have enjoyed the single life as we see fit, and have been out of various earthly purgatories, both of us being the best friends the other remembers. Such is the case with Akemi, who is about to get married and have a child. It’s safe to assume that the two of us are about to draw a line under our relationship.

“I really congratulate you…”

I was like the father of the bride at a wedding ceremony, with tears streaming down my face. Everything about Akemi kept coming back to me, one after another… “Congratulations.”

I still can’t stop the tears.

“Love, why are you crying?”

“Because you’re crying!”

“Really… why are we both crying?”

“Be happy!”

“Thank you, love.”

Akemi gave birth to a lovely girl.

“Come and play!”

There are often such phone messages left by Akemi. Although it’s true that acting is getting busier and busier, it’s still possible if you have to make time for it. However, I didn’t make time for Akemi.

Though we were great friends, I made us grow apart because of myself.

Before I could find a chance to visit Akemi at their apartment in Kanagawa, they divorced.

I don’t know why they divorced and how they felt about it, but I’m not in touch with her because I’m busy.

It’s just that Akemi was pregnant, had a child, and of course was married. For me, who had never experienced these things, I still couldn’t understand Akemi’s position and feelings, and I even thought, “In the end, it’s really like this.”

All this time, Akemi and I had lived a very extravagant life, wanting what we must have, buying back things piled up like a mountain, and living the life we wanted every day as free agents. If we got married, everything would be different, of course.

Her husband became inconsiderate of his family and had to move to live a simple life in her husband’s house where she knew no one, and where she labored day by day to get by at a distance from us.

But that’s the path she chose for herself.

I think she really suffered a lot. In the end, her husband changed his mind, and the ideal future that Akemi painted was shattered, but wasn’t it all the path she chose for herself?

I wasn’t surprised when she said she wanted a divorce and came to me for advice.

“Marriage and divorce are not such simple matters, are they? If you want to get divorced, it is indeed good to get together, but if it turns out to be so, you should have given more thought when you got married, right? It was your choice to get married, wasn’t it? I don’t think it’s your husband who has changed, but you.”

“Love, you’ve changed!”

Akemi hung up the phone after that.

1 or 2 years after Akemi’s divorce, I met her whom I hadn’t seen in a long time.

Akemi is also 25 years old and is a mother of a child yet! She completely turned into a mother and told me so many things about small children. But I felt more or less mischievous from the look in her eyes, and she told me this on purpose, knowing that I have a headache with kids. She told me either about attending Mother and Sister meetings, teaching activities, etc., or about sports games for little kids, hiking, educational styles, teachers, and mothers who live in the neighborhood.

Even though Akemi, who used to be all perfumed and wore fancy suits with me to go fishing for men, has turned into a good mom. Akemi is now a natural and unpretentious mom. Akemi, who used to treat me, who was younger than me, who didn’t work, who was idle and degraded all day long, as an older sister, who gave me advice, who worried about me, who was angry with me, who helped me, and who, now that she has a child, will probably concentrate on child-rearing in the future.

The ideal is different from the reality. Once a woman gives birth to a child and organizes a family, her freedom disappears as a matter of course. When a woman becomes a mother, she also loses her identity as a “woman”.

However, there is no change when men get married. Originally, as fathers and husbands, it would not do to hold that self-consciousness that should be there. However, men go to work, drink with friends, and don’t come home until late at night, just as they did when they were single. Women used to have “romantic” ideas about couples and family life. As a result, her husband comes home late, and although she is able to tolerate it to a certain extent, it builds up pressure, and there are more and more quarrels between husband and wife.

Even so, she took this step to grasp happiness and bravely stride into a difficult future. Even if there is no one like her, time is still passing by. Even if you think, “Happiness is now,” time will never allow happiness to last.

If you think about Akemi’s situation from the standpoint of her uneasiness as a wife, her hard work as a housewife, and her difficulties as a mother, it is understandable. Even if she couldn’t understand all the details, she could at least listen to her!

Although this may be a man’s theory, I still do my best to pursue my independence. For the guy who doesn’t work, I think… I will more or less count him out!

“You don’t even come home early.” “Ignore me.”

While whining about my own husband, I also wanted to hear criticism of myself.

Akemi has moved away from the luxurious life of getting whatever she wants, and the words she said pierced deep into my heart: “The things you want the most are always unavailable.”

“The son of my uncle who lives in Urawa seems to have joined a securities firm a while ago! I wonder how the securities industry is doing these days?”

“Whoo?!”

“Your playmate you used to hang out with in elementary school, when it was just a kid from a beauty parlor around the corner, he got married a while back. You’re 24 years old!”

“Uh…”

That day my mom started by reporting that the family was doing okay lately, and then the two of us sat facing each other in the living room, gossiping without a theme. There was something about a relative’s son getting a job, something about a younger brother, and something about a kid in the neighborhood getting married.

It’s amazing how many times I’ve been home this year.

I suddenly remembered Akemi.

Akemi is the one who has something to say to anyone. But she has no friends of the same sex around him, just waiting for her husband to come home and spending her days face-to-face with her little baby, and there’s no one to even whine to.

“Ah yes, how old was mom when she married dad?”

“Twenty-three!”

“Yes… at what age was I born?”

“Year 2, which is 24.”

Same age as I am now.

Mom is also like Akemi.

Mom married at 23, the same age I am now, and had me at 24.

She had no friends or acquaintances at all in Tokyo, and had married from the countryside of Shikoku all by herself, gritting her teeth and making it all the way through.

Mom couldn’t even tell left from right, and was surrounded by relatives of the social elite. My father, who was a macho man, took it for granted that Mom would obey him. I don’t think Mom had any friends and as far as I can remember as a child, she stayed at home all the time.

When it comes to conversations among relatives, 80% of them are praising their children or entering famous schools, or else getting good or bad grades. A child’s grades, at the same time, represent the standard by which the mother’s values are judged.

My failure was my mother’s failure. Mom had to take care of all my educational problems, take care of my grandfather with all her heart, didn’t even have time to catch her breath or a friend to whine to, and by all rights should have left a lot of bad memories behind, but she still wanted me to become as good as Mr. Riccioux to raise me. And whenever I was in the middle of something, my mom was always severely blamed.

When I was a kid, I used to wake up at night to go to the bathroom, only to find my mom under the covers with tears in her eyes: “Let’s get a divorce!”

I also woke up suddenly at night to the sound of my mother’s shrill voice and felt uneasy. When I woke up in the morning, I saw my mother seasoning the miso soup and preparing breakfast as usual, and thought, “It’s just a dream…!”

Just be at ease.

My mom’s brow was often furrowed and she stared at me with her eyes all the time. I always had the feeling of “being stared at”, but it was impossible for her not to frown because of all the pressure and loneliness she suffered from her surroundings. I think my mother was also blamed by my father and my surroundings for my running away from home!

She had always fought alone, while also frowning to show her intimidating expression, and was rarely pleasant.

In this case, I…

“I’m sorry…” came out of me naturally.

“Mom… I’m sorry…”

“What’s wrong?”

“Mom was amazing, I would not have been able to handle it, Mom must have hated me, but I also made painful memories and I always just wanted to be praised by Mom.”

I don’t know why, but I just can’t stop the tears and my cheeks are hot.

“… I’m sorry, it’s Mom who should apologize, I’m sorry, I was wrong…”

“I was wrong.” The mom, who has always insisted that “there’s nothing wrong with my parenting methods,” says so.

“But I was really out of line then, I’m sorry, I apologize anyway.”

“┅┅”

I heard my mom whimpering.

“Maybe I’ve given my sister too little motherly love… I’m sorry… Sister…”

“Mom…”

The two just kept weeping like fools, and there was no need to say anything more.

Those were tears of happiness. As the tears were shed, something seemed to have fallen.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”

Mom’s excited cries mingled with whimpers.

Mom has always been there for me, and for the first time in 24 years, I feel it so much.

“Dad.”

I’m over 25, but I still pretend to pamper my father. When I was a kid, I said “Dad” and “Mom.”

At that time, I had to call “father” and “mother”, but now I call “father” and “mother”. Now it’s “Dad” and “Mom”.

When I called “Papa”, Papa smiled…

“By the way, let me show you this.” Dad pulled out a picture of the two of them hiking with Mom.

“This is the Southern Alps, right? This is Misty Peak! This is Hidden King Mountain.”

Inside the photo are my father and mother who are sitting upright and ready to have their picture taken, but you can see the happiness in the raw smiles of the two people in the photo. It’s not fun to look at a photo of your own parents commemorating a hike, but I like to see the two of them happily conversing with each other.

My father loved the mountains from way back, and I can barely remember family outings when I was a kid. Amusement parks, zoos, the whole family would definitely go somewhere on Sundays.

Parents usually work hard to support the family, and on weekends, they work hard to serve the whole family, which is impossible to do with the mentality of barely coping. It was only when I started to work myself that I realized the way my father’s love was expressed.

For a father who is not good at showing, the only way to show his overflowing fatherly love is through his actions.

My father would now talk to me about his troubles at work, and about being a man but not being a man, and other topics, and this was because he had recognized me as an adult.

Now I recognize him as my father, too.

“Hasn’t Dad ever had an affair? Did he have a favorite PR girl outside? Or had a lover outside, right?”

“None of them.”

In my mother’s presence, I asked many difficult questions at once, and my father did not hesitate to give me answers.

“It’s impossible, isn’t it…”

The mom was stunned by her daughter’s sudden and impolite question. The younger brother, who was under the impression that he was still an elementary school student, smiled bitterly while shaving with an electric razor.

“Mom, have you ever thought about having an affair?”

“What a stupid thing to be saying!”

“Sister, forget about that and lend me money! I owe people money!”

“Come on, you won’t go sell yourself!”

My brother kept grinning without extending his hand back.

“You’re working, what does it matter if you give me a little.”

“Or you could just go sell your ass… Do you want me to introduce you to the store there in Nichome?”

I illustrated the male system of selling sex with an air of understanding. Mom got angry, but father had a look of ignorance.

“That’s a lot of knowledge!”

My brother left this meaningless comment before standing up and leaving. The atmosphere at this point also became a bit strange, but I was serious. One’s own debts should be paid off by oneself, even if one sells one’s flesh, and the money borrowed should be paid back by oneself, that’s what I believe is the way to survive.

“What do you do if your father has an affair?”

My mischievous thoughts came together and I suddenly dropped this question to my mother.

“There’s no way anyone would want an old man like that! If you want to twiddle your thumbs out there, then by all means go ahead!” Mom said very smoothly without missing a word.

“I’m still popular!” Father said in a nice, strong and cute way.

“Well, as long as you pay, you’ll be popular anyway!”

When will my family be so easy to talk to?

My mom kept journals as I continued to leave without saying goodbye, running away from home and getting counseling in the first place.

I accidentally found this diary at home, and all the heartfelt messages inside the notebook were not communicated to the person I was at the time to understand.

I opened my mom’s notebook.

September 28th

She’s late for school, doesn’t get home until 7 p.m., and on Mondays she never behaves herself. Keep asking her why? She could not tell us why. Her father was late for work instead so that he could make sure she did go to school.

October 3

“I’m going to the zoo with Takanori”, although she said that and left the house right after saying it, she didn’t go to the zoo. In fact it was a shopping street in Ueno where she ran off to play and didn’t come home until 9pm. She lied, but didn’t seem to care.

October 4

Since it was my brothers’ field day today, I left my daughter alone to watch the house. I noticed that the 4,000 dollars that was in my husband’s suit pocket was gone? She ran out to play at 4 pm and came home at 9 pm.

October 5

She was on time for school today, but took the morning off because she had a fever? She told me in her uniform, “I have to treat a wart above my eye,” and left with her health insurance card and two thousand dollars. I followed her to the hospital because I missed her, but the nurse told me she didn’t show up. She didn’t come back by 6pm.

In the end, it wasn’t until 9:30 p.m. that I got home.

October 7

I received a phone call saying that her friend Kiyomi hadn’t come home. She had gone out on her bicycle around 10:00 p.m. to look for Kiyomi. I said, “Mom, come with me,” but she refused to accept my offer and said, “You’re so nosy, I want to go out.” She went out and never came back.

October 8

It was teaching visit day, but she didn’t care, going out last night and not coming home until this morning. She also didn’t care what her mother would think, she didn’t come home until morning and then put on her uniform and immediately went out. She came back soon afterward, changed into civilian clothes, and left again. In the evening… and also very late… October 9

She put on her uniform and went out, then halfway through, she turned back home and changed into civilian clothes to go out again. “I won’t do anything bad la!

Be right back.” This has become her mantra. I tell her not to go out and she doesn’t listen.

At 11pm she called back and said she was going to spend the night at a friend’s house over in Heronuma. I asked her to come back in a taxi, but she still didn’t come back.

October 10

She came home around 4pm. She had also called back several times earlier from a friend, perfunctorily telling me she was coming back, after which she appeared to be going on a date with Ando, and in order to get out of the house, she cried out to her father, who would not allow her to go out. “If I come back, put me in a juvenile reformatory or a custodial home, send me anywhere. Friends get better more or less when they go in there, but it won’t work for me!”

October 11

She slept in until 12:30 a.m., got up and went right out the door.

At 10:30 PM, she called back from the park to say that Kimi had stopped Saito from smoking, after which the two had gotten into a fight that had gotten worse and worse. “I’m going to die!” Saito left those words and ran away. It got so late because everyone was looking around for him. She said “I won’t find him yet, but I’ll be back first.”

But in the end she didn’t come back.

October 12

She took the day off because of what happened the day before. Now she doesn’t come back even in the morning. I went to Saito’s house, but it turned out that she was hiding in the closet of Saito’s room with one of her schoolmates and Mieko, and the room was filled with the stench of smoke. I was able to talk to her in the hallway because Saito convinced her to do so, but she didn’t reflect at all and didn’t come home until evening.

October 13

For all the things she has done and the faults she has committed up to now, I apologize to Mr. Shibukawa, the school’s director of discipline, and promise him that I will discipline her carefully in the future.

October 16

However, she stayed out again yesterday and her husband was so angry that he planned to beat her half to death. I tried my best to protect her, but at the same time I was beaten up. My husband was saddened by his deteriorating health and the difficulty of educating the children as a couple… On October 17th her face was swollen and her lips were bruised, but she went to school even though she was running late. The teacher also wanted to know what was going on, so he called and said, “The father is already so sad, and the mother is trying so hard.”

Forgave her for being late today. Rarely, she went to cram school today.

October 18

We had a date to go to the temple with Akemi’s family to pray for a pass in the exams, but she skipped the date and ran out to have fun.

October 23rd

Today, she met up with her bad friend Ando. “Takanori’s just like mom, he only manages me, he keeps telling me to study hard and not to wander around at night, it’s so nagging that it’s unbearable. That kind of person is really tiresome, I’ve decided to break up with him.” What a rarity, she came home early today and said such a thing. I thought it was an opportunity, so I advised her “Yeah, let’s break up then!”

October 24

She didn’t go to cram school tonight and ran out to play. Building 6 in the Hachibana Mission grounds? Is that Saito’s house? Or Mieko’s house? My daughter still keeps lying. She’s not seeing Ando anymore, but it seems she’s still seeing her.

At 11:45 p.m., she called back from Asakusa to say she was coming back. Recently her methods of obtaining money have become more skillful. A week ago, she took the 2,000 yen that was sitting on the counter behind my back without any problems.

The two thousand dollars was for cigarettes her grandmother was going to buy. Today, she took 10,000 dollars in bills from the company’s safe, and her father is so angry he’s going to break her fingers or she won’t change. I’m having a hard time figuring out how to break her bad habit of taking money from people.

October 25

She didn’t connect and didn’t come home.

October 26

She came home at 7.45 a.m. and went to school without eating breakfast. She came back from school at 6 p.m. and, instead of going to a cram school, gathered with six men and two women at the Nichome Mission.

October 27

Today was the day the school held the high school orientation. When she came back from school, she broke the hand-held safe and took about 100,000 yen in cash and three bankbooks. She didn’t come back until the evening and said she was returning 70,000 yen to her friend. But she wouldn’t tell me her friend’s address or contact info. Should we send her to a juvenile reformatory?

She used a passbook to deposit cash in Shibuya. She told me that she and that friend are meeting at the station tomorrow, and she doesn’t know that person’s phone number or address. But it is certain that she will meet someone at the station tomorrow.

October 28th

She met with the man right after school at 3:30 p.m., retrieved her grandfather’s bankbook and the rest of the cash, and went home.

October 29

“Ok~~ I’m up.” She woke up in the morning and said a reply that she normally didn’t have. Indeed went to school, indeed got out of school, and also went to cram school. I saw my daughter, who came home and started practicing writing kanji, very happy all day today. It seems that there is not a single day in this year that I have been in such a happy mood. I was moved to tears to see my daughter acting completely like a junior high school student and being in such a cheerful mood at home.

I hadn’t noticed at all how happy both of my parents felt when I was just a little bit better behaved that day.

I used to think everything my parents said was long-winded, and I lied to them without a care in the world and took their money without a care in the world. And I smoked cigarettes and Power Gel and slept with men, which I thought was cool at the time. I used to think I was the unfortunate child, but I was completely oblivious to the fact that these things caused my mother so much pain.

I continued to look at my mother’s diary.

October 30th

Even though she said no birthday party, she wanted to have her birthday party tomorrow so she asked us for it. She said she would never go out at night again and that going to the disco would be the last time. We then made a deal with her she had to be home at 10:30pm before we let her go out and she immediately called her friends to let them know.

October 31st

Based on the agreement on the 30th, she held a birthday party and came home at 10:33. Her father said angrily, “Didn’t we agree not to exceed one minute?” But after that, both her father and grandmother stopped pursuing the matter and just kept looking at her.

November 1

The grandfathering ceremony officially begins today.

At 3:00 p.m., she went out dressed not unlike a middle schooler. “Why did you let her out!” Father got angry. “She made a request to her grandmother to let her go out on Sundays, then normally she would work hard, and she agreed.”

After 11pm, she called back, “I got a lot of gifts! I’m going home now. You won’t be mad, will you?” she asked. She asked. “Get your ass back here!” Of course, she was scolded by her father and hung up the phone. As it turned out, the daughter didn’t come home.

November 2

She is about to graduate from middle school, and I want her to go to high school, but I feel hopeless. Although the whole family hopes that their daughter will be able to pull herself together, she has suffered a lot of setbacks despite her best efforts. They are even thinking of cutting off their relationship with her if she doesn’t make it to high school.

At 11 p.m., she called home for what looked like another birthday party with the kids who lived in the neighborhood. “Everyone gave me presents again!” The father who answered the phone was careful not to say “Get your ass back here!” He answered her.

In the end, she didn’t come back that night.

November 4

She hasn’t been home for 3 days in a row and hasn’t contacted the family, and I’ve gotten a little jumpy.

Last night, I dreamed that my daughter, who had run away from home, was crying alone in the dead of night.

Today, I talked to Ota’s parents and searched for her in the Hachchome Mission area, in Building 6, Building 7, in the park and under the bridge. I finally found her and Ando in a ramen store and brought her home right away. When I got home, she wasn’t nervous and didn’t show any remorse.

That same day, the junior high school next door passed a report to the staff room at her daughter’s school stating that her daughter and two girls named Setsuko and Mitsuko had been found snorting Power Gel.

At 5:00 p.m., I had an interview with the guidance counselor, and I also stamped a pledge to send her to a juvenile reformatory if the same thing happened again in the future.

November 5

She still hasn’t changed, she doesn’t get up in the morning and takes the day off, but Mieko goes to school. Although I thought they were equally bad kids, that alone made me surprised at Mieko. I couldn’t get rid of the shameful feeling and sadness in my heart for my child who has no self-esteem. But again, I wanted her to sleep well and didn’t persuade her to go to school.

She woke up at 11am, washed her hair and left the house. She took a vacation from school, and I really didn’t want her to go out and play or talk on the phone for a long time. But if I try to stop her, she says to me, “I told you to get lost, didn’t I? You don’t understand! I’ll kill you!” She would put one foot on the table and shake it in a fierce manner.

“If you want to kill me, do it!” I, who wasn’t afraid of being killed, answered this way. This child really was raised by herself, but it’s disappointing that our relationship has deteriorated to such an extent that I can’t help her anymore. What’s coming is coming. I had the realization that it was time to put her in juvenile hall.

“There’s nothing more we can do to help.” The crammer made a phone call that had a rejection in it.

At 3pm, I let her out because it was time for the treatment I had agreed to with the dentist, and of course she didn’t come back after that. Suzuki came home around 9:00 p.m. Kitagawa wasn’t home, so if she had been smoking Power Gum again, she would have been taken away by the police for sure.

However, on the 7th, there was a practice interview, and on the 8th, there was a high school entrance exam. As a mother, I had given up, but her class advisor kept saying, “If she doesn’t take this high school exam, she won’t be able to take the other general exams either.” But I still think it’s useless. I’m not sure how she’ll be bullied in this day and age with only a middle school education, but I’m already in the process of giving up on all thoughts of that child. No matter how hard I try, she just keeps rebelling against me and cheating on me. The only time she thanks me is when I buy her something, and what’s more, I know she doesn’t really mean it. She was going to obey her father and let her be independent on her own after middle school. What else can I do to save this kid when all she does is lie and not keep her promises, doesn’t work at all, and doesn’t feel any guilt for not going to school? It’s impossible. It’s too much. I’ve reached my limit. I’m not going to wake her up for school tomorrow.

From now on, that child is going to decide for himself his own future, his own important direction in life.

Even a life of degradation is her choice. We as a couple have had a 3 year tug-of-war with her, and many sleepless days, and we’ve put in countless hours of effort, but today feels like the end of the line for us.

From now on, I just want to live a good life and start putting all my efforts on my brother and work harder as a mother. I am in desperate need of spiritual and physical liberation. Whether you want to be sent to a juvenile reformatory, take a break from junior high school, or start working right after graduation, it is your decision and your responsibility to make.

That’s the end of the note-taking.

“I’m sorry…”

No amount of apologizing was enough, and the tears that couldn’t be stopped, dripped onto the notebook turning the words into a blur.

“It’s better to hurt yourself if you’re hurting someone else.” That’s all I can say, but I don’t think about it that way. It’s hard to hurt yourself, but it doesn’t hurt to hurt others.

The first time I was able to understand the meaning of this phrase was only to my father and mother.

“Dad, here, beer.”

“Uh, thanks!”

“Mom, have another drink too!”

“Yeah!”

“Dad and mom are the happiest now, aren’t they? No need to worry about your brother, and that headache of a bad daughter is gone.”

The two laughed at each other.

I’ve come full circle to realize the importance of family, lovers, and friends.

People who feel loved love other people.

For me, the most important thing is “love”.

Epilogue.

There’s a story I really like.

God created human beings and gave them all kinds of “hearts”, but they carelessly forgot to put “shame” in them.

However, human beings have already been molded, so how can we put in the “shame” that we have forgotten to put in?

“Can I put it in from here…?” As a result, the gods, who were extremely troubled, put their shame there. Originally, it was a hole for excreting things outside the body.

“Shame” seems to be very much in the way of “there”.

“Then I’m going to make a condition that if anything else comes in later, I can run right out.”

The gods accepted this condition.

Sometimes it comes to mind.

In the moment I felt lonely, I remembered the man who had rejected my simple love.

“Even so, I love you.” I hope you can feel this simple feeling of mine.

“Don’t you love me anymore?” Then I recalled the uneasiness.

There was a sound of a lack of “heart”.

I have been constantly searching, consistently since birth, to find an object that creates a heart that is in tune with each other.

But it’s still really hard to find!

“Anxiety”, “uneasiness”, “loneliness”, “too much of a push”… and so on, all came together in my I felt them all together.

I have discovered the fact that any perfect heart can never be made.

Despite this, I want to be blended in.

I discovered that two people can become one as long as they are making love.

The heart slowly peels away as the buttons are undone one by one.

Naked is what I was thinking.

I love the bodies of those I love.

I love what I originally thought was dirty.

I want to caress your ugly place.