Autobiography of Ai Iijima (1)

Collected and organized by Killing Angels Books.

Autobiography of Ai Iijima (above)

“Do you like sex that much?”

My father’s right hand slapped hard on the tabletop, roaring loudly and angrily.

The roar was directed at me, who wanted to finish my dinner quickly and go out to play as usual, and the words that suddenly came out of my mouth made all the members of the family stop their chopsticks.

Just for a moment, even the air stopped.

My mother, my younger brother who was in elementary school, and I, none of us dared to raise our heads to look at my father. Also because of the gravity slapping the tabletop, my father’s chopsticks rolled off the narrow dining table onto the floor.

My father was not very tall, and if you added the beard to the Popin that appeared in ‘ ‘ (Note 1), that’s what my father looked like, but unlike Popin, he seldom had a smile on his face, and was always watching me through his silver-framed glasses.

When I was in the early grades of elementary school, I saw a school notice that said “introverted personality”. I never raised my hand in class, and even when the teacher asked me questions, I couldn’t answer anything but looked down at the floor, not daring to look at the teacher. Even when the teacher put her ear close to my mouth, she couldn’t hear my voice, which was even smaller than that of a mosquito.

At home, I was always told to “do this” and “do that” and yelled at if I didn’t do it, but at school without my parents, I was unable to do anything and was afraid that I would be scolded if I did something unnecessary. I was always afraid of people’s stares.

Father’s discipline was very strict.

For example, starting with the way we held our rice bowls and chopsticks during meals, my father would hit us mercilessly as soon as our arms touched the table. Of course, it was even more impossible to let us watch TV during meals.

At dinner, be sure to report the day’s events to your parents.

Father, mother, my two younger brothers, and I, a total of five people, sat around the table, and my two younger brothers and I reported to our parents everything that had happened at school today, including classes, teachers, and friends. To others, this scene of harmony and joy might seem like a good family. But I always felt as if I would be reprimanded for saying anything. So I, who had always cowered at school, didn’t have anything particularly worth reporting.

“How was your day at school?”

“Nothing…”

“Is there anything in particular?”

“Nothing…”

This is my usual line. After I said it, I avoided meeting my father’s eyes and moved my chopsticks in silence.

As far back as I can remember, I rarely laughed happily during meals, thinking only of getting my meal over with and then going to watch the TV program I wanted to watch.

Next to our serious father, our mother, who didn’t talk much, never gave us a second glance. It was said that if a child was reprimanded because of his or her mother, he or she would always be told in a roundabout way, “You’re so uneducated.”

“It’s all for your own good, it’s all for your own good…”

Is that really true? But that’s the mother’s mantra.

The mother, who is qualified to wear a kimono (Note 2), often wears one at home. She, being submissive and obedient to her husband and serving him attentively, is an ideal wife as far as people’s eyes are concerned.

For me, however, there is a world of difference between an “ideal wife” and an “ideal mother”. My mother always wanted me to be the “ideal child” with good grades and good manners, but I was never that kind of child.

Almost every day, I had a lot of cramming, such as cramming classes for higher education, piano lessons, abacus, essay writing, calligraphy, etc., and then the words “It’s all for your own good” kept repeating in my ears, so I could say that I was suffocated. My father once told me that my posture was too bad, so I was forced to learn martial arts, and later I was asked to learn Japanese traditional dance, but after I resisted, I was finally relieved of the need to learn it.

After school, I would rush to cram school, and after cramming, I would go home and have a heavy dinner, after which my mother would ask me to do my homework with the excuse that “it’s all for your own good”.

“There is nothing wrong with my approach to education.”

The tips of her mother’s eyes hung higher when she finished speaking.

If the father comes home late because of work that’s fine.

But if he came home early, he would hand me a novel like Takeshi Arima’s “Ichiban Grapes” and force me to read the book out loud and copy it again. For the next thirty minutes to an hour, my father would stand behind my chair with a ruler. Then, all that could be heard was the sound of the ruler tapping on my father’s palm.

“Your back is hunched!”

“Not enough attention!”

As soon as he found a shortcoming, my father would immediately raise the ruler in his hand, and without saying a word, he would “greet” me on my hand. At that moment, my body would experience a shock, and as a result, both of my wrists and the nails on my hands were always red and swollen. This was the only thing that came to my mind: “How not to provoke my father, who is watching me”.

Usually, small children in general would want to interact and communicate with their parents, but I don’t know when I started to deliberately avoid talking to my strict father.

It was fourth grade.

At that time, there was a cartoon animated movie called “Lake Shiratori” that I wanted to see with my friends no matter what. I wanted to go, but I knew that if I asked my parents, they would not allow me to go. In their minds, just going out on the street with friends was considered bad behavior.

But I wanted to go so badly anyway that I snuck off to see it when I couldn’t suppress the urge.

As a result, my parents found out. When I came home I was first immediately read to by my mother, and when my father returned from the office, he was scolded and beaten again. My face was rewarded with slaps, once, twice, three times.

“Why can’t we go!?”

Though I cried and screamed in protest, what responded to me was another painful beating. Because of the tears, my father’s shadow and this world I existed in became invisible, and all I could hear was the sound of the beating being given.

“Why did you get hit?” That was all that was on his mind.

At night, I bury my face in my pillow and cry.

“I’m definitely going to run away from this house when I get to state high school!”

I cried out in my mind without a sound.

“What a disgrace, what a disgrace!”

Toward the end of elementary school, that was always the only thing that came out of my father’s and mother’s mouths.

I gradually realized that my parents weren’t looking out for my affairs, they just cared about what the world saw.

Of course, when I was about to enter junior high school, I had to deal with the term “entrance examination” and reported to the cram school after school every day, and was called to study when I got home.

My parents wanted me to go to a private girls’ school with a deviation value (Note 3) of 60, but I wanted to go to a co-educational school. If you want to go to a private co-educational school, you have to take a test in four subjects: Mandarin, arithmetic, science, and social studies. Private coeducational schools are high deviation schools, and it is very difficult to get into a private coeducational school that has a high standard of advancement.

However, in order to prepare for the exam, I only read two subjects, Mandarin and Arithmetic.

As a result, I was admitted to the district national middle school, and I had to move my household registration to get into this national middle school with a high promotion rate.

Until the first year of junior high school, I worked hard at my studies so as not to make my father angry.

If there are students who work hard to get into a better high school, then of course there are also students who can’t keep up with their studies. In a national high school with a high advancement rate, the difference between students who are not good at schoolwork and those who excel is huge, and those who can’t keep up with their grades quickly go down the path of delinquency.

All of my friends from elementary school were now enrolled in local junior high schools, and all I could do was to study. Because of this, I was in the top ten of my class for both midterm and final exams.

However, you still can’t get first place in your class no matter what.

I was neither tall nor attractive, so I was an extremely ordinary girl. There was a girl named Yamaguchi who played the piano and read books, and played the school song for the whole school at school events; she was often the top student in the whole class when her test scores were posted in the hallway, and she was always good at everything, except for physical education, where she scored 5s, and was what is known as an “A” grade talent. Like me, no matter how hard I tried, I could only get the second place in the class, and I could never surpass that girl.

“Yamaguchi is so talented, what about you?”

“What’s Yamaguchi’s grade point average?”

Whenever anything happens, my mother always compares me to her.

One time, I scored 90 points in math, and since math has been a tricky subject for me since before, I couldn’t help but make a victory gesture in my heart when I received the test paper from the teacher. Then I folded up the paper carefully and put it in my bag, and went home happily, thinking that I would be praised this time.

“Mom, I’m telling you, I’m telling you, I got ninety points on my math test!”

“How many points did Yamaguchi get?”

“┅┅”

“I can’t believe I got four questions wrong, why wouldn’t I?”

“┅┅”

“Yamaguchi’s a hundred percent anyway, right!”

“┅┅”

I myself know best that there is no way for me to reach it.

“You’re not trying hard enough.”

That’s what my mother always told me.

I still do even if I try harder.

I never get a word of praise for my best efforts. No matter how hard I try, I still can’t catch up with that person, so I don’t know when I started to hate the word “try”.

“Effort” is not a virtue. Only a small percentage of people work hard just to be recognized by others.

After working hard, I just want to be recognized by others for the efforts I have made.

That’s probably what I’m longing for! But I’ve tried so hard, but I can’t get any recognition. It’s meaningless to make an effort that isn’t recognized. Why don’t they understand? Why don’t they even say a word of praise?

I’ve been annoyed by such unhappiness every day and have been repressed.

Looking back now, it didn’t even occur to me at the time that what I actually wanted to do and what I dreamed of was this.

All I could think about at that time was that I wanted people to praise me.

If I worked hard and got good grades, I wouldn’t be scolded, so whenever I was praised by a teacher or a friend, “You’re really good at reading,” I would feel very superior. So even though I hated studying, I tried to study hard to get praise from others. Whenever people around me give me compliments and voices, I read patiently even though I don’t like it because it’s not malicious.

I, for one, just want to be complimented.

I just want to get a “you tried” from my parents.

Note 1: ” ” is a Japanese manga and cartoon known to all.

Note 2: Since there are certain techniques for putting on a Japanese kimono and it is not possible to put it on alone, it is necessary to learn how to do it, otherwise people will not wear it.

Note 3: The deviation value is the value of the degree to which a person’s scores on tests of intelligence and scholastic aptitude fall within the average level, and the higher the level, the higher the deviation value.

For me, as a junior in Japan, the neon lights of Kabayucho had an irresistible charm.

I don’t know when I started dating the stormtrooper, but I also started riding in his car and racing together. That was the first time I clearly recognized where I was, not at home or in the back of a motorcycle, but in this dangerous place called Shinjuku.

At night the neon lights of Kabuto Yuucho flicker blindingly, and young girls in search of a dangerous atmosphere are enthusiastically indulging in the unusual atmosphere.

At that time, there was a disco in Kabayucho that many high school students loved to go to, and for only 500 yen, you could dance until the morning, and unlimited food and drinks were served, so peers of the same age often gathered here to party.

Be that as it may, five hundred dollars could be a lot of money for a middle school student at that time.

At that time, the most common music played in the ballroom was “Venus” by Banana Rama and Kylie Milo’s songs. The most common music played in the clubs was “Venus” by Banana Rama and Kelly Milo’s songs, and other than that it was “Deadoralive” music.

We all imitated Tom Cruise in the movie “The Defenders”, wearing MA-1 leather jackets, SAS handbags, BORDER shirts tied around our waists, and Reebok or K-SWISS sneakers on top of JOPARRS pants, but our MA-1s were all Japanese products with YKK stretcher. But our MA-1s were all made in Japan with YKK stretcher bars. We even stole them from a store near AMEYOKO in Ueno because we wanted them so badly.

Sometimes you can’t get the $500 to go to disco, so if you want to go badly enough, you’ll become a pickpocket, or you’ll use intimidation to get it together.

The paid lockers at Shinjuku Station and the paid public restrooms are our base.

When you go to a department store with your partner, you appear to be looking at clothes, but in reality, after taking your favorite clothes into the fitting room, you either wear them underneath your clothes or stuff them into your bag, and then take them away while your partner is talking to the clerk.

Next, I went to the pay toilet on the ground floor of Shinjuku Station, carrying my “loot” of chemicals and dresses. The place called the “50 yen restroom” is not for drunks or homeless people, so it’s very clean, and as long as one person puts money in, several people can go in. This space, which is not often visited, is the perfect hiding place for us.

Next, we put on all the loot that was arranged in the restroom sink. If you put on a mature black suit and a little bit of lipstick, you can’t tell that you’re a junior high school student at all. If the school uniform is the symbol of a student, then the suit and lipstick are the uniform of an adult. They looked in the mirror and compared themselves to others with a feeling of admiration. In fact, they were all thinking the same thing.

“I’m cuter than they are.”

After the rest of the loot was put in the pay-per-view locker, we went to Kabuto Yuudachi to play.

At that time, Kabayucho in Shinjuku was like the center of Shibuya today.

The children who gather on this street are only very honest and gentle with their friends, but hate society and adults.

These people, Mieko who has a half-brother;

Yumi, who comes home to see her mother sleeping with a man she doesn’t know when she leaves early because she’s sick; Kyoko, whose hiking lunchboxes always contain only cold McDonald’s burgers; Risa, who doesn’t go to school because she’s against her mother’s remarriage; and Seiichi, who’s beaten by his father, who drinks in the house in the middle of the day and suffers from alcoholism;

Eri, who stares blankly at the collection of money because she can’t pay for her food; Isshiki, who has taken his mother, who has slit her wrists and committed suicide, to the hospital I don’t know how many times; and Aya, who is bullied at school because she is the daughter of a mistress;

Takashi, who loses both parents in a traffic accident and gets picked on by his relatives; Kana, who cries because she can’t draw her father’s portrait and gets scolded by her teacher; and Asachi, who is never read to no matter where she goes or whether she comes home or not.

Many of the friends who gather at Kabayuchi Utsumachi are children who can’t find warmth at school or at home, who long for love and friendship, and whose lonely little hearts wander the streets, and who naturally come together when they see people of the same kind.

For me, Kabuto Yuucho is paradise. I hopped on a train to Shinjuku to make sure that it really made me happy.

Of course, I was scolded again after going to Kabuto Yuucho.

“That’s no place for you kids to be!”

“You delinquent girl!”

Father’s iron fist flew again without mercy.

Even so, I went to Kabuto Yuomachi, where my friends were waiting, as usual.

In 1985, in the fall of my first year of junior high school, my favorite grandfather died of cancer.

My grandparents, who were born in the Taisho era and lived in the same house, saved me many times. Whenever my father or mother scolded me, it was my grandfather who was the first to come to my defense.

“This kid is definitely not a bad kid, he’s the apple of his grandfather’s eye.”

As he talked, Grandpa would stroke my head with his wrinkled hand.

My grandfather, who loved me so much, passed away.

Before that, Grandpa was hospitalized and discharged constantly for long periods of time.

If I couldn’t go home within the time limit, I would visit my grandfather. As long as I have an excuse to visit my grandfather, I won’t be scolded even if I come home after the deadline.

My parents guessed that I would spend about thirty minutes visiting the doctor, but instead I spent only three minutes after a meeting and spent the rest of the day hanging out with friends. Before I went to the hospital that day, I also made an excuse to my parents that I was going to visit, but I was dressed in a gorgeous pink dress and my favorite t-shirt, a look that was totally meant to be fun. Of course, I only visited for five minutes and then left.

The next day in class, I was suddenly called into the hallway by my grade teacher. The teacher said to me, “Your grandfather has passed away, so hurry home.”

I couldn’t believe this fact for a while, and when I didn’t realize that yesterday’s casual visit was going to be my last, a pain shot through my heart. Grandpa who called me by my name, grandpa who held my hand while walking, grandpa who made sure to buy souvenirs every time he went out, the tears that welled up in abundance made me want to stop even if I wanted to.

Since then, it’s felt like my parents’ faces have gotten scarier.

It was a small business, but when my grandfather, who was the president, died, my father inherited his mantle, but not just his position. I couldn’t fully understand it at the time, but it seemed that even the large loan from my grandfather had been transferred to my father’s name. “For my grandfather, who was as generous as an Edo man, such a way of life was a matter of course, but my father, who was always serious, could not understand it.

The company was run and loans were repaid. Father’s accumulated irritation flared up at the little children, and just the slightest thing was enough to make him angry, but Grandfather was no longer there.

It’s true that before this, I used to visit my grandfather casually, always feeling sorry for him. However, since my grandfather passed away, this constraint disappeared, and I gradually felt my sense of guilt weakening. Since my parents were busy with the company, they kept less and less of an eye on me. As a result, my nocturnal excursions became more and more intense because my grandfather, who I could visit, was no longer there.

There is a term “juvenile delinquents” (juveniles who may commit crimes). This refers to a juvenile or young girl who is not currently committing a crime but may do so in the future because he or she is underage.

Try placing the critter at very close range and see if you will throw a rock at it for no reason. Supposedly this test is used to determine that.

I was one of those “juvenile delinquents”.

Once the tightly pulled rope has been cut, it falls at a very fast rate.

With all the things I could miss flying away, there was nothing I could put up with. I hate patience.

Late-night loitering, drugs, prostitution, and nighttime kabuki yukata have all the bad behaviors that tempt people.

Adults repressed by ethics and morality and intolerable lies all bare their fangs and hold on to the night.

The slightest sense of guilt, deceived by the self-satisfied thoughts of “I’ll be free” and “This is freedom,” disappears completely.

And so it was that this freedom to think the wrong way was often brought to the attention of the police. I don’t know how many times I was caught by the police, and some of my friends who were in trouble with the law as I was were even sent to probation centers and juvenile courts.

My family has often requested police searches for “runaways”.

When I returned home, I was always caught by the police and taken to the police station to write a statement of repentance called “My Record”. Then my mother, who was as red-eyed as a child, would come and take me back.

“What’s wrong with you child, what’s going on? There’s clearly nothing wrong with my parenting methods, so why has it come to this? Why? Tell me, why?”

Every time he was brought home, he would be beaten by his mother who was always in tears.

That’s when the mother would bring up her friend’s name and start counting. “It’s by hanging out with kids from people who work in the porn industry like the Ji-Ei’s that you’ve become like this; it’s because of hanging out with kids like that that you’ve become so weird. Don’t ever be friends with Ji-e again, you hear me!”

This is the most infuriating sermon ever. I understand the cries in the heart of Ji-e, who lives a lonely life as a single parent.

I know the tears in my friend’s heart when she is often bullied because there is only a mother and son in her family and her mother works in the porn industry.

It doesn’t matter what industry the parents are in, whether they have parents or not, what kind of family they have, because everyone is an important friend to me.

Mother doesn’t understand, and I don’t want her to. She only understands what people see and how to look good in a kimono.

When my father returns, he will be beaten again.

This kind of thing has been going on for who knows how long. My mother, who came to the police station one day, became staring at me with red eyes while keeping her head down.

The next day my face swelled up and I didn’t go to school because with a face like that I didn’t want to show it to my boyfriend so I just stayed home and cried all day.

It’s my bad, so I get yelled at.

But why is it bad? Why can’t it be done? I don’t know the principles, nor do I understand the real reasons. My parents were always saying that this was not good and that was not good, but they did not tell me the real reason or the point, and whenever I made a mistake, it was just a burst of anger and beatings without any head.

So, I ran away from home again.

If you are arrested by the police, you will be released if your guardian comes. However, if the guardian is not present, the child will be detained. If a relative is not home at night and does not come to take the child back, he or she is likely to be sent to a juvenile prison or detention center, even for the same crime.

It happened in the early fall of the third year of junior high school in the state.

As usual, my mother did not come to pick me up the day I was arrested by the police. It was the first night that my mother gave up her responsibilities as a mother, probably because she thought it would be useless for her to come and pick me up! I was detained at the police station and taken to a room with ten tatami mats. In one corner of the room, a young girl with short blonde hair and a pale face sat against the wall.

She, who heard the sound of me entering, then looked up this way, and the indifference in the depths of those pupils immediately drove away my sleepiness completely.

The police told us to put the covers on to sleep, and then they turned off the lights in the entire room, leaving only the red light for emergencies on in the hallway.

I stared blankly at the red light that was on outside the hallway while desperately thinking about my current situation.

What the hell is going to happen to me tomorrow?

The horror of being sent to a nursing home and juvenile court was all over my mind.

“Hey! What have you done?”

The blonde came to talk to me immediately and I didn’t even have time to answer her.

“I wonder what’s going to happen tomorrow?”

“¡Ó Probably not?”

“Huh? Why?”

“Because of absentee parents, they’ll be sent to juvenile hall.”

No parents? But I didn’t even have time to think about it or sympathize with her, all I could think about was the words “sent to juvenile prison”.

After the two men finished speaking, the only sound in the silence and darkness was the rustling of the motor. I gazed at the bright light of the emergency exit, uneasiness swelling in my heart.

It wasn’t long before I heard the girl sobbing, was she crying? But I couldn’t see her expression. In the silence, I was the only one who was timid.

I didn’t have to be sent to juvenile prison, instead I was sent to the Police Department’s Juvenile Division 2 for counseling.

Every Tuesday, get out of class early to go to the tutoring room at the local Juvenile Protection Center.

In the six tatami-mat-sized room, there was a table in the center, as well as two chairs opposite each other, and a very large mirror on the wall, with gentle sunlight coming in through the window.

Taking a closer look at the table, there were a lot of things scribbled on it, including the names of the Stormtroopers, “Dark Emperor Now Reporting,” and the mark of the Sagittarius Umbrella. It’s a bit amazing to think that many other kids besides me have been here as well.

I actually didn’t hate coming here for counseling. A teacher named Fukushima, a small woman over 40 with gray hair who was originally a police officer, and I talked about other delinquents while she and I talked about the usual stuff. I told her a lot about boyfriends and friends, and what and how she usually played, and so on.

The teacher was definitely not angry with me or accusing me or wanting to ask for the truth.

She just waited for me to speak for myself, for me to open up, and kept listening to me, occasionally nodding in response to some gentle words.

On the way to the police department for counseling, neither my mother nor I spoke. Neither of us said a word during the time we took the train to the clinic in Edogawa-ku. What kind of mood was my mother in at that time? I had no idea at that time. I just wanted to escape from the heavy air surrounding my mother.

Then came an hour of counseling. Will this really save me? I don’t know. But at least during that hour, my mother, who was talking to the teacher, seemed to be in a happier mood. I could see it in the subtle changes of expression on her face.

On the way home from tutoring, for some reason, my mother chose a different path.

There was a store on the road that sold cloth dolls, so my mother took me by the hand to this store, where there were large bear dolls and elephant dolls that were too big to hold even with two hands.

“Um, I’ll take this one.”

Up until now, although I had no interest in cute objects or cute girls’ things, I would naturally choose cloth dolls. After receiving counseling, my mother and I might be able to be more open with each other.

After a few months, I gradually became able to tell Ms. Fukushima, who was counseling me, how I was feeling, bit by bit, telling her about my boyfriend’s complaints, about the disco I frequented, and about my friends in a tone of voice like I was talking to a friend, and Ms. Fukushima always listened attentively.

Even so, back in real life, I still hated school and home.

So I still choose to stay away from home all the time.

“What for? You old man!”

While dancing at a disco in Shinjuku, I was suddenly grabbed by the wrist by a man in a suit behind me. When I looked back, my father’s face, which looked as if he was about to collapse from eating a bitter worm, appeared in front of me.

Why did he know about this place? For a split second Fukushima-sensei’s face came to my mind.

Why would a teacher snitch on his parents? That’s what I thought in my mind at the time.

My father just took me by the wrist and dragged me home.

When I got home, I was immediately beaten in the foyer.

“What kind of hair do you have? Give me more of the same!”

After my father pinned my neck down with his hands, he took out his scissors and started cutting my hair.

“No, please don’t!”

“Shut up! Don’t move!”

“¡¡No!”

All I could see in my eyes was hair falling to the ground.

My father started hitting me again after he put down the scissors.

“I don’t remember raising a daughter like that!”

“It hurts!”

“It’s going to hurt of course!”

“No, I know I’m wrong, don’t fight…”

The face, the stomach, probably everything was hit somewhere too, even breathing felt painful and consciousness faded away.

“Please… don’t.”

Something warm was running down my face. That liquid ran right down my face to the floor, and the floor, which was so black it was glossy, was leaking red.

“Don’t fight! This child will be killed by you!”

The mother desperately tried to hold the father back.

“It hurts…”

The father irrationally pushed the mother down. And the mother, who hit her head on the pillar, was alone, sobbing. Despite this, the father’s hand did not stop.

“Bastard, you ungrateful daughter!”

My mouth tasted blood. My father’s voice grew farther and farther away, as if he were under water, and his voice became mong .

Nonetheless, it was possible to realize that my father was hitting me.

“Kill you!”

I don’t know how many times I repeated that phrase in my mind as I was being punched.

“Kill you!”

I looked in the mirror with trepidation.

It’s not me in the mirror.

“Like me, it’s better to die…”

“Time to get up.”

The next morning, my mother’s voice woke me up.

When I got up from bed, I had a terrible headache. When I looked in the mirror, the tops of my eyes were swollen to a blue-purple color, and my eyelids were so swollen that I couldn’t open them; my hair, which used to be shoulder-length, had been cut to the top of my ears; and my lips had a big hole in them, as if I had bitten through them, and they were covered with black scabs. This was no longer a girl’s face, and I didn’t want to go to school at all. But my father yelled, “Go to school, go to school,” and dragged me to school. When I arrived at school, all my friends were staring at me.

After school, I went to Kabuto Yuucho like this, and being in uniform, I was immediately counseled by the police.

That night, my mother came to pick me up again, and my mind was immediately filled with horror because when I got home, I was sure to be beaten up again as if I were going to be killed. After leaving the police station, I immediately shook off my mother’s hand, called a taxi and asked him to drive to another destination.

“Definitely never go back!”

From my second year of junior high school to my first year of high school, I kept running away from home and then being brought back.

Then I stayed at my boyfriend’s house and got permission from both of his parents to start living together. Because, they sympathized with me when they saw my face swollen by my father’s beatings.

“You two, you need to be at school today.”

Every day his mother would wake us up.

“Out the door.”

The two, despite this talk, never went to school and instead ran off to sleep in one of the rooms of a nearby apartment.

Ordering takeout on credit, watching TV in my room, and living a free life every day. Even when I go out, I only go to borrow a videotape, shop at a convenience store or go shopping with friends.

It’s all about feeling smug when you’re walking around with him.

All the girls who brush up against us look back.

“Wow~ What a great man!”

I can even hear the girls in my mind getting jealous, and that’s when I take his hand tighter.

The encounter with him was in a disco ballroom.

While partying with the crowds over the Golden Weekend holiday, there was a really great guy bumping balls in a corner of the ballroom and it felt as if all the lights were hitting him.

He was about 180 centimeters tall, clad in the popular MA-1 leather jacket, and chugging a cigarette while holding his cue. He brought his eyes close to his outstretched slender fingers and struck the club at the white ball, which then hit the five ball with a crisp sound, while the red ball just went into the pocket. He looked around in retrospect after a soft gesture of victory, the handsome hair that drained to a teal color dancing in a fluffy fashion. With a bronzed complexion and a high nose, an elegant smile now spread across the contours of his profound face.

I fell in love with him at first sight.

“Who’s that guy?”

“That guy is so handsome!”

Just while trying to get to know him and wishing that someone could say hello to him, it was quite by chance that my very close friend and I had just met him as well, and were still very good friends.

“This is probably called fate!”

I wish I had just been able to introduce me, it’s easier when he’s alone.

He was a third year junior high school student a year older than me, and was the best and nicest boy I’d ever met. His name was Takanori Kudo, and he was a regular at this dance hall every week.

“So, let’s play together next time!”

After the appointment, he even asked for his phone number.

But I went back and didn’t call right away.

If I called immediately after getting the phone number, I would be considered too horny, and perhaps I would never hear from him again. After two or three days, I never called him.

Three days later, I finally called him, and a soft voice came from the other end of the microphone.

“So, I’ll see you in Shinjuku this Saturday.”

I hung up the phone with my heart beating in my chest after making an appointment to meet somewhere.

“What should I wear to meet him? For perfume… for lipstick… what about hair?”

It’s like being in a dream.

He lives about 20 minutes away from my house in a taxi. Although he lived with his family, it was not uncommon for him to come out in the middle of the night to play.

And he’s the kind of guy who doesn’t even go to school very often and stays inside the disco all day.

After our date that day, on our way home, as a matter of course, we arrived at the couple’s motel.

“I like Hyo-Ze the most~!”

When I embrace the person I like, my heart beats, and my consciousness and body become light and airy.

Although it wasn’t his first time having sex, it was my first time going to a couple’s hotel with him. What a pleasure it was to spend time with a boy I liked, just the two of us, and that was a new discovery for me!

And so both of them became captives of love… It was only slowly that I realized that the town where I grew up and neighboring towns were already full of love hotels. But until I actually went into a couple’s hotel, I thought it was like a bathhouse, with men and women entering through the left and right entrances, or entering separately to avoid being seen, as if they were doing something bad.

In the hotel, there were rooms with strange scents floating in the air like lovers or incestuous couples, and the walls were plastered with red, red, blue, and blue wallpaper, the texture of which resembled the tents in the school gymnasium. The red light fell on the swinging bed, the man tied his tie, put on his jacket, and then pulled out a wad of 100,000 yen bills from his crocodile leather purse and threw it on the bed without a care in the world; he turned on the light on the ceiling, and then dropped a sentence “I’ll leave now, so I’ll call you later.” At best it’s “sad”, at worst it’s “promiscuous”. Sneaky and mysterious, I’m imagining a world that fits these two terms.

However, the first time we went in, we realized that it was so different from what we had imagined. We stood in front of the pictures of the rooms, selected them, pressed the button for the room number, and then the key fell down, and after taking the key, we headed for the room. The window for payment was as small as the prize-cashing place in a pachinko parlor, so I paid without even seeing the other person’s face. The furnishings inside the hotel were bright and the rooms were varied.

Because of this feeling, my first experience with Couples Inn turned out to be a very pleasant one, as if I had been on a little trip. His family was the kind of people who would give their son pocket money when they heard that he wanted to stay away from home, so at least once or twice a week, we would go to a couple hotels. The two of us must have visited all the love hotels around town, and if we stayed after ten o’clock, the cheaper places cost about 5,000 yen, and since I’m a girl, I wanted to stay at one of those cute and pretty hotels. If I had enough money on me, I would sometimes stay at a ryokan of about 10,000 yen! For the more decent ones, there are also couple’s hotels that look like high-class hotels on the street.

After all, we’re still middle schoolers and neither of us live alone, so the only space that can belong to the two of us is a couples motel. That’s why it’s my favorite time for two people to go on a date to a couple’s motel.

“Takanori, there’s a new couple’s hotel opening in Higurashi, take me there!”

Various hotels, various rooms, want to go there, want to go here. In the mood of traveling, like on Christmas Day, “I want to spend it in ‘PARK HIGHAT'”. “I’d like to spend Christmas in the ‘Park Highat’.” “I’d like to spend Christmas Day at the Park Highway.” “Wednesday’s not so bad either.” I need a hotel. The freedom of choice and the liberation of daily life The freedom of choice and the liberation of daily life , in short, I am happy and overwhelmed by the unknown world that I have discovered.

Eventually, the two of us turned into going to couples’ motels almost every day.

“The hall” is a common name among young people.

While the school was sweating through club activities or gym class, the two of us were panting and sweating in the couples’ motel. Maybe it was because it was so comfortable, so that kind of thing had been going on for I don’t know how long. I’m in a really happy mood when I’m having sex, and I’m totally enjoying it. Let’s try this position today, since we’re in the bathroom… We tried the electric massager and how many times we could do it in a day, and we ended up with a new record of 11 times in total.

Both of us, at the time, seemed to be in so much pain that our faces had turned purple with pain, and the two of us, who had coalesced our inquisitive and curious minds, were living with lovemaking at the center of our lives.

A few days after we skipped school, we often went to a couple’s hotel during the daytime hours when it wasn’t a holiday. Because there were special hours during the week, except for holidays, from about 10:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m., it was possible to stay at the usual rest price, which could be as low as about 3,800 yen on a cheap day. During these days, they were happy for a long time, even though they were able to save money or go to remote hotels, and so on. The two of them, who had skipped school, had no place to stay, and had escaped from reality in a romantic way, but in the end, they had no money to continue to stay at a hotel.

I deliberately chose a room on the second floor, and when the two of them had been happy for a while and were planning to leave, I made a call to the counter first: “I’m sorry, I’d like to check out of the room first, but since the man is still sleeping, can I call back in about an hour? If you don’t call, you’ll have to pay the extension fee, so please call then. So, I’ll be out first.”

After saying so to the counter, I walked out of the hotel with a fine expression on my face. He, on the other hand, climbed the wall and jumped down from the second floor in the meantime. We even did this kind of thing.

During the time I lived with him in the hotel, in order to earn hotel money, I stepped into a pachinko parlor and began my career as a professional pachinko player. Although I knew that both pachinko and slot machines were against the law, I pushed my way up to 3,000 yen and stopped only when I reached 15,000 yen. I took 10,000 yen to pay for my hotel bill, and then I took the remaining 5,000 yen and bought beef sukiyaki from Yoshinoya, which I often go to, and then went back to the hotel.

There is an inn called “CAST” in Otsuka, and the rooms are double-decker style, with the living room and bedroom divided into two. There is also a karaoke room! It was beautifully decorated, and I liked it very much. “I want to stay in that CAST”, “I want to stay there”, I kept talking about it and pestering him, and then I would peek behind his back while he was playing pachinko, praying to God and peeking at him. Then I’d be behind him playing pachinko, praying to the gods and spying on him, and as soon as I hit double or triple, I’d stop playing and go to the hotel right away, and I had a great time every day.

“I wish I could live with just two people…”

Neither of the two wanted to think about it much, so that’s all they could say.

I sneaked back into the house, stole the deposit book and stamps, and pulled my mother’s suit out of the closet and put it on in a hurry. With unaccustomed hands exempted to make up , completely disguised as an adult to the bank.

Will they find out?… Will they get the money?… Sitting on a chair in the bank, my heart kept beating wildly as I waited.

“Guest number 34, please come here.”

Filled with fear, I handed the deposit book to the window along with the seal, and until the procedure was over, the anxiety and anticipation in my mind kept my body in a state of rigidity.

“I’ve kept you waiting, Ms. Iijima.”

I got one million eight hundred thousand yen. This money received from the bank was a separate fund for the two of us.

No matter what happens never go home again. I put the whole stack of bills in my purse and pressed it tightly.

That night, the two arrived in Shinjuku and stayed in the suite of the hotel “Century Highat”.

“Have a party celebrating two people running away from home!”

Then he called room service and came with what both were convinced was the best dinner ever, an expensive rump steak.

The two of us toasted with beer while having a bird’s eye view of the street from this tall building that stands in Shinjuku.

“Yeah!”

The two of them plopped down together on the oversized double bed.

“Hyo-Ze, we have to be together all~ the time!”

We kissed intimately, his hands touched the suit I was wearing, and the suit I had “borrowed” from my mother was removed for the sake of this happiness.

After a smooth and successful start, anything can go smoothly after that. His father rented us an apartment in his own name. We had the money and a place to live, so we could live as just two people.

When I think back to when I ran away from home, I was in the second grade of junior high school, and now I’m sixteen years old.

The school I attended in high school also just held my books, and I hadn’t been to school in a month because he and I had started living together in an apartment.

We lived together in an industrial area called Hachigasaki in Saitama Prefecture, where the rent was only about 20,000 yen, the toilet was shared, but of course there was no bathroom or anything like that, and there was no gas in the large six-stacked tatami-mat room. On cold nights, the two of us would go to the bathhouse together, the one who came out early would wait for the one who came out late, and then we would go home together.

Since there was no way to get up early, I didn’t want to go to school any more; and since I had stolen money, I didn’t have to worry about my meals. Every day, I had fun, and I knew I was falling, but I was in a surprisingly good mood. He didn’t go to work, I didn’t go to school, I don’t know when both of them didn’t care much about their friends anymore, and it gradually became a world of only two people. When I woke up, I would have sex again and again, and then I would fall asleep and wake up… just living by instinct.

Sometimes they would suck on Power Gel and then have sex, and even though they would sometimes go all day without eating, there was not a day that went by that they didn’t have sex.

Of course, this life won’t last.

“You’ve got to stop! Get out of here with guys like that who don’t work!”

Lying on the spread out quilt, naked and hugging each other, the two of them, at the same time, reflected in his eyes, was his father who was full of anger and stood in the foyer.

“I didn’t rent this house for you to live like this! You said you wanted to learn to stand on your own two feet and work for yourself, so I rented this house. There’s a limit to joking around! I’m not renting it!”

Originally kindly rented the house, but his father was pissed off that he wasn’t working. After a loud and angry scolding, the next step was to immediately break the lease on the house.

Having lost our residence, we had no place to go. We had no choice but to go back to his house and live together, but once we got into a disagreement, there was no stopping the fights between father and son.

That day, he had another fight with his father over something trivial. One angry remark caused the next to evolve more and more fiercely, and I watched as they argued until the sky was turned upside down.

“Damn it! You shut up, you old man!”

Emotionally he lost his mind and punched his father in the face. His father fell face down on the floor and couldn’t get up at all, it was hell. And I watched like nothing was wrong and wondered why I was so calm.

His mother immediately grabbed the microphone and pressed the one-o alarm while letting out a high-pitched scream that resonated throughout the apartment hallway.

“Shit!” If the police come, then I’ll definitely be taken home. Glancing at the two who were fighting, I sneaked out of the house, only to find the officer who was running this way down the public hallway.

For a split second, my heartbeat became so fast.

“Hard work.”

Gathering all my courage, I made a sound.

“Hard work.”

The officer responded with a greeting in return.

Heart beating wildly, I brushed past the officer while hoping I hadn’t been spotted.

I watched as the officer entered the apartment where the problem had occurred and then left with no expression on his face. When I spotted his mother’s bike, all that was going through my mind was to get the hell out of there, and then I took off quickly on my bike.

“Hyoze, I’m sorry.” I kept saying in my mind.

In one breath, I rode my bicycle furiously, and was more or less subdued by the time I crossed the river and reached the neighboring town.

I felt my pockets, and only had about a hundred yen to spare, so I had to use it effectively to get me to my friend.

Not knowing what to do, I called his good friend Kong. When I told him the situation, he picked me up on his motorcycle and drove me to where everyone was gathered. Among them were people I had met for the first time, but most of them were his traveling companions.

At first people asked me a ton of questions and were very concerned about him, but that mood didn’t last long.

“That guy is really stupid too.” Those cops weren’t just interrogating alone.

“No problem, think of something!”

“Anyway, stay here for now, you don’t have anywhere else to go, do you?”

“But…”

“Gee, there’s no point in thinking about it any more, is there?”

Yes, I couldn’t think of anything else to do, and now I couldn’t get anything done. Without realizing it, I started drinking and smoking Power Gel with everyone as usual. But unlike usual, he wasn’t with me. Just they were looking at magazines and talking about motorcycles while indulging in dreams and laughing.

I deliberately distanced myself from everyone else and thought about him while doing gymnastics by myself.

I took a hard swig of the Power Gel that had come from Kong’s place.

Hyojae… I’m sorry… I was the only one who escaped… because… because I didn’t want to get caught ~ Hyojae… I’m sorry… I’m sorry…

I’m the only one who escaped… I’m so sorry.

I hear a little bit of just them talking, but I can’t hear the conversation clearly, and sometimes I hear what sounds like laughter.

It’s so lonely~ Hyo-jae.

What’s happening to Hyojung now?… Will I be able to see him tomorrow?… When will I be able to see him?… When will I be able to see him?… When will I be able to see him?… It’s impossible to see him… Why isn’t he here?… I’m dying to see him… I want to see him so much… I want to see him so much… I want to see him so much that I can’t… I’m afraid that I’ve lost all sense of reasoning, and it’s not possible to see him anymore… Why isn’t he here? I’m losing my mind!” Kong’s voice suddenly reached my ears.

For a moment I regained consciousness, but the air seemed to change, and he had two lifeless eyes, but they were fixed on me.

“Irrational.” Once again, I looked at the Kong who said that with my eyes. Like a reflex action, I felt like my heart was about to stop.

“It will be violated.” The moment I felt the horror, the “friend” distance between me and him was gone.

“It will be violated.” Before I could get scared, I was already pinned against him.

“Why? Why? Why?”

“Please stop, please, please, someone stop him! Somebody help me!”

I can’t believe there’s actually a guy riding me, and that guy is indeed Kong, Hyo-Jae’s best friend. This asshole, how can I let you tease me! How can I let you bastard get away with this!

This is where my sanity ends.

“Stop!” I thrashed and kicked like crazy.

Suddenly I don’t know whose hand held my limbs still.

Left foot, right foot, right hand, left hand, all of them were restrained, and I couldn’t resist even if I wanted to, and then my skirt was lifted.

“No… no ～～～～～” I yelled.

Save me… save me… save me… please save me… please save me… please save me… please save me… please save me… please save me… please save me… please save me… please save me… please save me… please save me… please save me… please save me… save me… save me…

My eyes, which had been closed, suddenly opened with a swish and stared at Kong. It was quiet, as if I had become a doll, unable to move or make a sound.

Why? Feelings of distrust, terror, dislike, guilt, nothing. Instead, there was only a sense of powerlessness all over.

Whatever you want. Give up… No! It’s not giving up. Yes, it’s stunned. It’s almost like that.

Noticing my appearance, Kong and the others stopped moving. I looked straight at him with wasted eyes and opened my mouth to speak.

“Hey, I said stop.”

“┅┅”

Just left my body without a word.

“I… I’m sorry.”

I hear the voice of the Kong I know now. But in the cold air, the words sounded both casual and painful. I didn’t say a word, and the others didn’t dare say anything.

There was a long silence, and still the silence continued.

“I’m really sorry…”

I’m not sorry.

I feel sad just thinking about it, but I definitely don’t want to cry here.

I’m not sorry.

I thought about it again, but I regretted it, with the remnants of a heart that had clearly disintegrated.

Unforgivable.

This sucks! These guys are so bad that they didn’t think of Hyo-nori being arrested by the police at all.

It’s unbelievable that he tried to force his best friend’s girlfriend into submission. Kong and the other guys are friends with Hyoze, and that’s the extent of the so-called man-to-man friendship between these guys, and I don’t trust men anymore. To them, as a good friend’s girlfriend, they shouldn’t be able to treat me like the opposite sex, they shouldn’t be able to treat me like a woman. Even if they see me as a woman, they can’t violate me! If I hadn’t lost my consciousness, I was just a person, what friendship and love, that was just a one-sided perception.

A friend’s boyfriend, on the other hand, is not a man, and I don’t look at the other person as a man, not as a member of the opposite sex.

A friend of my boyfriend’s is not a guy, and I don’t look at the other person as a guy, not as the opposite sex.

This principle collapsed.

What ends up happening is that for men there is only the opposite sex, and there is nothing rational about the lower half of a man’s body.

There is no way to go back to his house and I don’t want to see his friends again.

Because I had been with him before, immersed in the life of two people every day, I hadn’t connected with anyone other than him at all, so now I had no friends I could rely on. I wanted to see him so badly, so I picked up the microphone of the public phone and dialed a call to his home.

“dulcimer… dulcimer… dulcimer… dulcimer… dulcimer… dulcimer… dulcimer… dulcimer… dulcimer… dulcimer…”

No one answered the phone. I crouched down in the phone booth and thought back to him who had a big fight with my father, his mother who had called the police, and Self who had fled in a huff at the time after squinting and peeking at the officers who had rushed to the scene.

“It’s really not very good!” So I did run away. I can’t imagine what kind of discipline he would have suffered if he had been arrested by the police. Nevertheless, I called again. No matter how many times I called… no matter how many times it rang, there was still no answer.

“I want to see him so much…” Now I can only think back to all the tragic changes that have happened since I was separated from him.

I absolutely don’t want it. Don’t leave me alone. I don’t want it!

I hung up the microphone of the public phone and then just walked into the skyscraper located in front of me.

I got on the elevator and pressed the button for the highest fourteenth floor. After reaching the fourteenth floor I left the elevator and followed the escape stairs to the roof.

I can’t stand it! I don’t want to be alone!

My mind became unable to think about anything anymore. There were railings set up all around the roof, and if you crossed them, you could walk to the very edge. I stood at the edge of the building, one step, then another.

But the closer I got to the edge, the more terror I felt in my heart. At the moment when I inadvertently glanced at my feet, I fell to the ground in that instant, my legs weakened by fear.

It’s scary, I can’t jump… but I don’t know how I’m going to live from tomorrow.

I didn’t know anything about it, or when it was, and I fell asleep on the building’s escape ladder… “Do you like sex that much?”

I heard again the words my father had said.

After that, I wandered between many of my friends’ homes.

He had joined an organization that helped drug addicts to get clean, and I didn’t know when he would return. I had several male friends who took me in, and at first they would say things like, “I’m so sorry…” and so on to comfort me, but their concern for me and their comforting of me was just a means to an end. The men who took me in were bound to violate me in the end, but I was used to that. If I want them to take me in, I can’t help it if it ends up like this. I believe that everyone is the same in that situation.

I can’t take it anymore! I really had enough! In order to escape from this life, I went to pick up a free copy of “Part-time Job News”. I saw an advertisement for a job at a restaurant-style karaoke in Yushima, offering a daily salary of 10,000 yen. At that time, I had never thought of working at a club in Ginza or Roppongi, so I was attracted by the 10,000 yen and went to work at the Yushima store.

Working part-time in a restaurant-style karaoke, I earned 10,000 yen a day, and all I had to do was sing, drink, keep the men company, and give them some tofu, and there was really no other job that was so enjoyable. So I got used to escorting right away, and unbelievably, money satisfied all of me.

I thought to myself, there’s nothing money can’t buy, right?

“Love,” as I was called, came into my possession at this time, in the fall when I had just turned sixteen.

I was named “Ai” by my mom at the store so that I could be a girl that everyone would love.

After that, everyone I knew called me “Ai”. With the name “Ai”, I started a new life again.

For me at 16, the places where I could hold my head high were Shibuya and Shinjuku.

I hate losing battles.

Will friends increase as you come and go from disco to disco? Will you get hit on when you walk down the street? That’s the standard used to measure a woman’s attractiveness.

A black suit stolen from a department store with a leopard print shirt inside, white or black high heels on my feet with heels that are almost worn out, of course still above 7 centimeters in height, and hair de-colored with peroxide and blown up into a high hairstyle, that’s me at my best fighting form. I don’t know about Chanel or Gucci or any of those name brands, I just go out on the street dressed similarly to the outfits I see.

At first, I modeled myself after the disco girls of Roppongi and the girls who haunted Shibuya just to show off their bodies, but were actually a bit rustic. I looked for men like a streetwalker in Shinjuku Ward Office, and then seduced them like a window-dresser in Hamstedtan, unconsciously leering at men I thought were nice, and driving away women who were nicer than me by threatening them. I was so happy in this way that I forgot even my uneasiness every day.

I pride myself on being well socialized and having relationships with many men.

Even if people are pointing at me behind my back, I don’t care because I’m happy. I’ve lost all my laudable morals about taking care of my body, apologizing to my loved ones, and feeling guilty about my boyfriends, and I scoff at the guys who still go to dating parties and the oldest sister who is almost 30 years old and still sighs that she doesn’t have a marriage partner. Every day I was proud of my growing list of men’s phone numbers, and so on and so forth, living what seemed like a happy but naive enough life.

On that day, as usual, I came back from the disco early in the morning, and I was hanging out with my friends in Shibuya’s Chuo and Park Streets in search of a man.

“Bla bla bla!”

Hearing the horn of a car, we turned around and saw a convertible Bentley.

“Wow! So handsome! Decided to go with him today.”

Attracted by the high-class car, I took it upon myself to decide on the object of the day. But what got out of the car in that moment was a man who couldn’t tell his age and felt oddly out of place.

Shorter than me at 160cm, he wore an ill-fitting gray double-breasted suit with an ornate orange tie around his neck, a shiny solid gold Rolex watch on his hand, and polished black WINKCHIP shoes on his feet. His head sticking out of his pink shirt was bird-like and deadly, but also very lewd, with a hook-like hawk’s nose protruding from the center of his face. This is enough to attract attention, not to mention that he will be leaking into the tea-colored hair with a rubber band tied behind the head, wearing a suit is more like a thin bird, can also be said to feel like “Oz magic messenger” in the gluttonous magic messenger cross-dressing into a person who does not look like a human being.

He walked over with a very creepy smile.

“Nah, want to go for a cup of tea?”

“No go!”

My friend and I simply refused.

At that time, the terms “car boy” and “rice boy” were popular among us, not if they were being pursued by a friend. Instead, we referred to the kind of man who would drive you around (car boy), the kind of man who would treat you to a meal if he had a little money (rice boy), and the kind of man who would give you a gift at your request (gungun). Looks aside, being loyal and obedient, it’s a great honor to have a man like that to support you.

The man looked rich in his foreign car, but we still didn’t have the courage to spend the night with him, but we were hungry, had no transportation, and had no money on us.

“Use him a little!”

I winked at my friend, and the two of us got in the car and headed with the man toward the Tokyu Grand Hotel in Ginza.

We ate with this man in the waiting room of the hotel and didn’t talk about anything in particular, just listened to the man talk smugly about himself and responded to his inquiries with gusto. It was really just dinner.

Dining at a restaurant in Ginza, and a bingo, plus checking out with a gold card in a Rolex-wearing hand, that was very dizzying behavior for me at 16. Being young and rich, I was a little ugly, but thought I could use it, so I asked for his phone number and went home.

The two of us asked him to drive us to our neighborhood, and after the car left, we laughed at the man who had invited us to dinner as we walked in the opposite direction from the people who had to take the bus to work. We must have looked very funny to the commuters, dressed in fancy clothes, but with our facial hair peeling off!

That was the encounter with Hideyuki Ishikawa.

Mr. Ishikawa is about 30 years old and his occupation is unknown; he himself says he is a doctor, but how he really is is unknown.

He lives in a large apartment in a high-class residential area in Setagaya, where the rent costs more than 400,000 yen a month. He always proudly used a shoulder-mounted phone, which looked tacky but was a symbol of wealth.

I introduced many friends to him. His high-class apartment was always like the waiting room of a high-class public relations lady, with many young girls gathered there, and the air was filled with the unique aroma of girls. None of my playmates lived on their own, and each other’s homes were far away, but the last tram home couldn’t carry us delinquent girls. For us runaways, Mr. Ishikawa’s house was as much at our disposal as a fancy hotel that we could enter at any time. To put it simply, it was our hangout.

Mr. Ishikawa, who was supposed to be living alone, had a lot of perfume and fashionable chemicals on his counter and washstand for some reason. Everyone could take a shower, make up and stretch their legs at any time, so everyone began to pamper Mr. Ishikawa and wanted more.

“Nah, let’s go play together!”

I don’t know when I started talking in a familiar sappy voice.

“Let’s use Mr. Ishikawa’s gold card to keep us entertained at night!”

There were also such cheeky requests.

“Hopefully I’ll meet great men today.”

I picked up the perfume from Mr. Ishikawa’s house and sprayed it on my neck.

Living such a casual life every day, however, Mr. Ishikawa was no fool.

“You guys! Get your own house!”

Just a month after we met, Mr. Ishikawa asked us to rent an apartment on our own. But there was no money and no job, and the runaway girl had no guarantor. Just thinking about how to get through the day bothered us, let alone living alone.

I don’t know if he couldn’t see past it or if he really wanted to kick us out of the house, but Mr. Ishikawa lent me some money and acted as a guarantor for my rental.

It was a pleasure, but I couldn’t pay back the money I borrowed. But Mr. Ishikawa told me, “That’s okay.”

Why? Why be so nice to us? Isn’t lending me so much money the same as throwing it away? And being a guarantor for a little girl who ran away from home. What a strange guy.

Inwardly, though, it was an opportunity.

“That way, you can bring back as many men as you like.”

I was genuinely happy that this was the first time in my life at 16 years old that I was on my own.

The apartment that Mr. Ishikawa rented for me was a suite in Meguro-ku, and the rent was 138,000 yen a month for a room decorated in the same color scheme with 14 tatami mats and a bathroom. Although the rent was very high, I wanted to stay there even though it was a bit too much since combined floors and the same color scheme were very popular at that time.

“In that case, get a good job!”

For the first time I wanted to get a job. “To work lo, go for it!” So decided my mind.

That’s how I started my “water hanamichi” (the path of pornography).

Although I had previously worked at a Karaoke Workshop in Yushima for about 3 months, there was no comparison to the glamor, glitz, and luxury of the Roppongi Club that made my heart skip a beat. The thought of actually getting into the business of picking up customers made my heart both excited and joyful.

The women who own the Roppongi Club and their sisters are really nice people.

They are very good at make-up, always wearing nice clothes, with shiny gems on their beautiful hands, and putting on their shiny watches with a gesture like “This is not a toy! They put on their shiny watches with a “This is not a toy!” attitude, and their whole body is filled with the sweet scent of exotic countries, which is what a woman really looks like. Compared to them, I was like the moon and a turtle.

“Good! Go for it!”

Since I was a child, I have been constantly reading biographies of great people, such as “Helen Keller”, “Mrs. Curie” and “Florence Nightingale”. Helen Keller”, “Mrs. Curie” and “Florence Nightingale”. My parents always wanted me to read biographies and wanted me to become a great person, so they wanted me to learn from historical figures, so they must have expected me to do that, right? But in the biographies, there was simply not a single woman worthy of my admiration and respect. Every great man’s lifestyle is like a lie, and I don’t admire anyone’s life, no matter who it is.

Against the expectations of my parents, the first people I looked up to, and aimed to be like, were the older sisters who took in customers.

I couldn’t work as hard as I wanted to no matter what direction I was going in, and I hated the word “work” more than anyone else, so I started working like a fish out of water, and my heart started burning as if I had poured oil into a fire.

I remember when I was a kid, I would always be so excited before I was going to go hiking that I couldn’t sleep, planning the snacks I could bring for up to 300 yen, thinking hard about what I was going to buy, and organizing my backpack from the day before.

I went on adventures every day with as much joy as I remembered. Whenever I was about to leave for Roppongi, I was as happy as when I was in elementary school on an excursion or at a sports event, where I was filled with beautiful sisters and handsome men, and I was in a very high mood every night.

Gradually I became more and more extravagant.

Wanted the suit.

Want the purse.

Want the ring.

Want the watch.

This one too, that one too.

After paying 138,000 yen in rent, buying what I wanted, and taking a taxi even for a little distance, the money was gone in a flash.

When I entered the store, I thought that I would be satisfied with 27,000 yen a day for work, but the pure girl who showed a sincere smile was instantly defiled by money and desire.

These longed-for accessories and name brands are just props to exaggerate one’s appearance, necessities to adorn one’s empty self. I wonder if I didn’t realize how pathetic I was? Or did you not want to realize it? Gradually, the boredom of the desire to expand, to the point that even they can not control.

In short, it just got more and more wanting, more and more wanting for money, so I started to constantly work on raising my standards and turnover.

A job like picking up guests may seem simple, but it’s actually a very hard profession. You have to call customers every day, and you have to treat them with the utmost care to avoid being rude. Since you get paid if you have customers, if you pay more attention to details and put more thought into it, you will naturally be remembered by your customers. The first-class ladies, who were far above me, read the Nikkei newspaper in detail every day, so they could talk to people of all professions. In a world full of curiosity and unknowns, I wanted to get closer to more people, and I really met a lot of people.

There was a girl who was called No.1 and very cute, her name was Akemi Kurakuchi. 19 years old, she had a very admirable appearance, obviously only 1 or 2 centimeters taller than me, but the length of her feet was a lot different no matter how you looked at it, and her small face was as perfect as a doll’s, so even as a woman, I was fascinated by it. Because she has a smile that is easy to get close to and a quick personality, so everyone loves Akemi, and she is covered in Chanel, and her body is always paired with a lot of expensive metals and furs that I have never seen before, in short, from top to bottom it looks like a very “club” style, and it can be said that she has already arrived at the highest level of dress up in the hospitality industry. In short, she looks very “clubby” from top to bottom.

At the time, I didn’t even know what Chanel was yet.

I sometimes see a Chanel store in Ginza department stores, and I run in thinking that this is it. But when I saw that I only had 30,000 yen in my purse, and that there was still one zero left on the shelf, I took a breath and left as if I were running away. I felt a little ashamed of myself, and was shocked that the difference between Akemi’s life and mine was so great.

Initially I lived alone in Meguro’s apartment and Akemi lived in her own home.

“I want to live alone.”

“Then move to the neighborhood where I live!”

That’s how Akemi moved into the neighborhood where I live, and we started playing together.

Although I said that being alone was free, I always felt lonely. Akemi and I, whose family moved to the neighborhood, both played around all the time, day and night.

The neon lights that line the streets of Roppongi at night have the same glow and charm as 10,000 Tiffany’s Jewels. If I hadn’t met Akemi before, no matter how hard I tried and how hard I tried, I wouldn’t have been able to walk down this street with my head held high, neither visually nor financially. But because I was close to Akemi, I could walk in Roppongi with my head held high. After becoming friends with Akemi, the distance between me and Roppongi shortened.

She’s a generous sister and a very caring one.

She comes to see me when I’m sick and in pain, and she sponsors me when I’m in money trouble. But when I want to be alone, this tenderness becomes a burden. Sometimes when there are a lot of things bothering me in my mind, I want to distance myself from others, and that’s when I use the answering machine. And, of course, she doesn’t answer her phone.

Despite this, she still calls all the time.

“Hey, not there?”

“Hey, you there?”

“Hey, what are you doing?”

“Hey, are you sleeping?”

“Hey…”

“Ding-dong, ding-dong.”

Eventually, she would come running to my house and ring the doorbell.

“Love, you’re on it!”

Akemi’s scary voice could be heard at the far end of the house, and if she didn’t open the door right away she was going to start knocking on it, the reason she would come was because she saw the window open when she passed by my house.

“This Rolex is white gold!”

“Bulgari’s necklace, 3.8 million yen!”

I didn’t ask her to show it to me. But when it comes to “Bulgari”, I’ve only ever thought about the small brands like “Euclid”, but I really wanted to see it.

I don’t want to hear what she said. Akemi, who has a better face and body than me, and whose family is rich, of course attracts the attention of men, and this is the last thing I can get used to. Although on the one hand, I was getting closer to Akemi, on the other hand, the pain in my heart that I didn’t know where it came from gradually came up.

Junko.

She also exists as a vision in my mind.

She’s a mature woman with a white skin, long black hair and bright red lipstick. The men next to her are always counted in groups, and the term “Her Majesty” probably exists just for her!

At that time, she was attracted to a 176cm tall man with bronze skin that suited a white shirt, long puffy hair and a shy smile, plus an 18K gold necklace and a Rolex watch, and there were a lot of girls who liked him, just like “Disco’s Man in Black,” which was extremely famous at that time.

Junko simply asks for his phone number and calls him almost every night before sleeping with him. But she still didn’t look very happy or excited at all. She talked about that night’s events lightly with an expression of “it’s only natural”.

After asking for his phone number, she talked to him on the phone a few times, but was never able to agree on a time for the next date. We were supposed to be with her that night, but then she said, “I’m going to meet him now.”

Still not looking happy, it just parted ways with us.

But, less than an hour later, she was back on our side.

She, who was always condescending and cold to the point of disgust, could see tears glistening in her eyes. Even so, she still defiantly pretended to be calm, coldly and emotionlessly speaking about the short conversation between her and the man just now.

“It’s okay if you want to sleep here, can you lend me 100,000 yen? You like me, don’t you!”

“I’m going back.”

She said the words with determination, turned and left his house.

Then, it’s right back to us.

It was commonplace for her to take money from men, but if a man took money from her, it was something her pride would not allow, and I know her feelings very well for this kind of explicit refusal.

And because it was in front of us, she would never have cried out, pride ruled her, and afterward she still acted as if nothing had happened.

But I don’t know when she started, but she always started making a scene when she drank, as if she had lost something… Junko, through her drunkenness, had slept with I don’t know how many men, and what was even more outrageous was that she even slept with her friend’s men. She even went after Myung-mi’s boyfriend during the time she was traveling abroad.

“Hey, it’s me. I’m telling you, I slept with your man yesterday. That’s it. Bye!”

Also called Akemi to make this message.

At that time, Akemi had only just started dating his boyfriend.

Nao.

In addition to being narrow-minded, she is also a vain woman.

Because of the sense of confrontation that comes from having little self-confidence in oneself, it is important to show a refusal to give in, even when using bad techniques.

For example, when Akemi travels abroad and there is no one at home, she asks to be allowed to use Akemi’s room, recognizing Akemi’s generous nature. In that room, there are watches, jewels, and brand-name clothes.

Then take the men there.

“Well? Isn’t this a nice room? It’s all mine!”

Whenever she got money from a bad old man, even if she bought something for a few hundred yen at a convenience store, she would specially take out 100,000 yen, and then pull out one of the 10,000 yen to pay for the bill. What’s even more outrageous is that she even wore Akemi’s jeweled ornaments as if they were her own and went out to play.

The so-called “friendship” between friends in Roppongi is actually mixed with a lot of “admiration” and “jealousy”.

These predictable incidents, of which there are many in Roppongi every day, have their share of irritants, but they are caused by bewitching women who come from nowhere.

The reason for all this is the presence of the “opposite sex”. The moment you get the attention of a male, your inner self-esteem overflows.

I did, my friends did, and my other sisters used to chase the artists’ asses.

But not just any stalker. In places like Roppongi, if you show up every night, you can meet at least one entertainer a week. Of course, that’s only in popular stores, bars, and places where entertainers gather, where singers, actors, puppets, and even comedians, who seem to be out of reach, can hang out with them like ordinary people. Unbelievably, there are very few female entertainers, with male entertainers overwhelmingly dominating the scene.

Being able to say hello, drink together, and even have sex with those men are things we love more than anything else.

Anyway, everyone wants to sleep with famous people, of course because of the fun instinct and curiosity, but being able to sleep with an entertainer indicates that you have that ability, so we’re simply spreading our thighs.

“It’s no big deal.”

By the next day, this will surely turn into a joke that sounds like it doesn’t care in your mouth, even if you’re sleeping with someone funny or ugly, as long as you’re sleeping with a celebrity you’ll feel proud of it.

But for those artists, they just happen to be right with these ladies and have fun.

Even so, there are still people who will always wait for the artist to contact them, no matter how much fun they are having, no matter how busy they are, if they are willing to make an appointment, they will leave that day free.

If you have a relationship with a normal man, you will get angry and feel like you are being tricked, but if the person you are dating is an entertainer, you will think, “It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter.

We go to work so we can go to disco.

Each of the disco girls dancing on the high stage wore a leotard, a shiny belt, a Chanel purse, high heels over 7 centimeters, and finished off with very large gold jewelry like that of Winko Asano. If they were to ask their boyfriends for a gift, it would have to be designer expensive clothing. They wear ordinary clothes during the day, but become very gorgeous at night, and spend the whole day thinking that they can go out with a man who drives a Mercedes SL or a Porsche, which is a reflection of the golden age of the bubble economy, no less.

It was as if our revelry would never end, and the neon lights of Roppongi hadn’t disappeared. Unlike looking for a man, taxis don’t get hired until 2 or 3 p.m., and even when they do, they aren’t meant to go home. The hotels stayed open until 4:00 a.m. If the police came, they would turn off the lights and pretend to be closed, but 10 minutes later they would continue to play Western hit music and party until dawn.

We don’t have the word “end” in our minds, we don’t even think about it.

I wondered if I could continue to have such a happy time, playing with my companions without any worries, every day. I wondered about it, but I didn’t even think about the future, so of course I didn’t worry about it. I enjoyed my short-lived love every day, so I often went to a store where a man worked, and I dressed up in a beautiful way to make sure that I would be hit on. All I could think was that if I wasn’t happy, I’d just not do it, and that there were plenty of good men out there anyway. I don’t know how many times I fell in love like that.

Just have a happy day, that’s all that matters.

Day by day, I became a prisoner of money.

I had to quit my original job at the Roppongi Club because I let it slip that I was underage.

When I was 17, I went to a club in Ginza to work as a PR girl.

Unlike Roppongi, Ginza’s PR girls are more sophisticated. If a Roppongi PR girl is a participant in an entertainment program, a Ginza PR girl is the host of the program. They stand and talk to the customers wherever they are, and dress in elegant kimono, and the customers come for the atmosphere, which is not as important as the glamor of the dress.

I was originally a hot girl in Roppongi, and instead of being a host, I preferred to be a participant and have fun with the guests. It was more important to go to the disco after work than to work, so I would still go to work in my usual clothes that showed my bellybutton, and because of that, I quickly earned money and real estate.

Working in Ginza is painful.

From where I live to Ginza, I take a taxi on Route 2-4-6, and every time I get to Namiki-dori, there’s a traffic jam, and I can’t move forward even though the store is right in front of me, and the hand on my watch is slowly pointing to 8 o’clock. The rule at the store was that for every 10 minutes I was late, an hour’s pay would be deducted, so if I was expected to be more than 30 minutes late, I didn’t go to work and went somewhere else to play.

The Ginza Club was open from 8:00 p.m. to 12:00 p.m. and we received 40,000 yen a day. It’s not bad compared to a regular part-time job, but we are under pressure to make at least 300,000 yen in net profit every month.

In order to achieve performance, when you first start a job, even if you go to work every day, your coworkers won’t hate you for it.

I have to call every day to say hello to the clients I’m sure of, I have to go to the beauty salon to get my hair done, and sometimes I wear a kimono to work. If you work hard, you can get a good salary for your work every month.

But if you add in taxi fare home, maintenance, and so on, you’re still paying 10,000 yen a day. If I wanted to improve my performance, I had to do what the customers wanted and spend time with them even after work, so I had less time to have fun.

The reason I work is to go play and now I’m putting the cart before the horse.

I was miserable because all my prime time for fun was taken up by work, so I started not going to work, and the store, of course, fired me.

As I predicted, I soon ran out of money.

There are a lot of people around me who work in various places while looking for a gold master, and then quit their jobs as soon as they find someone rich enough to take care of them. There are also ladies who perform secret labor known as special teams of sex sellers as soon as they meet a rich man they can call their godfather.

But I will never have sex with an old man. I’m only 17 years old, and I have the so-called “biological sex” rule in my mind, and my teenage heart hasn’t wilted yet.

Still, I was always bothered by the lack of this and the lack of that, so in the back of my mind I always wanted to find a rich sponsor sooner rather than later, but although I had the idea, I was never able to act on it.

But I need money.

The more you become a poor, vain woman, the more you want to do more dressing.

And because of that, it’s all the more important to have big bucks. But working all the time for turnover and performance is painful, and not wanting to sleep with an old man. Although I want the patron, I don’t want to sleep with him, and selling sex is even more impossible.

In fact, if you sell your body in Roppongi, it’s 50,000 yen a night if it’s cheap, 100,000 yen in general, and 200,000 yen in Ginza. All of this money can be easily obtained, but I’m definitely not doing it.

Although I wanted the money, I refused to accept the old man, so what was I going to do after that? So I went to talk to my friend who was an erotic massage therapist.

“In that case, I’ll introduce you to our store. You don’t have to actually do it, and it’s much easier than a fling. Even the erotic industry has a lot of it that’s hard work, and erotic massage is just fine.”

Her income is nearly 100,000 yen per day.

“Don’t look at me like that, I was a PR girl too!” I asked her about the details of her job while thinking this for no reason. To be honest, at this point I was also thinking, “It doesn’t matter if I really do it”.

“What kind of service is it? Just make him cum, right?”

“Well, it’s over when you cum, it’s easy!”

“And how do you make him cum? With your hands?”

“First, it takes two people in a shower together to carefully wash that area of the guest’s body, the room is about the size of 3 tatami mats. Then the guest is made to lie face up, and then his nipples and navel are kissed.”

“And then what?”

“That’s the point at the end, just start licking from the bottom, then the balls, and then make the guest make mmmmmmmmm sounds, isn’t that cute?”

“Huh? Not with your hands to get him out, but with your mouth!?”

“Yeah, that’s what the guests are here for.”

I thought I would only use my hands, but I didn’t realize that I would have to use my mouth as well, so I definitely don’t want to. But if I had only used my hands, I might have become an erotic massage girl.

Stores like ” “, ” “, ” “, ” . “,”” and “,”” also let me work part-time as a one-day experience, and I could get paid immediately after working, but the salary was much less than that of a club, only about 20,000 yen. But in any case, if you work for five hours from 8:00 or 9:00 p.m. until 1:00 or 2:00 p.m. in the middle of the night, you can get paid right away, and I used to hide my age and go to such a store for a day’s work.

After work, I took the money I earned and went to Roppongi to have fun, and that’s how it went on day after day. However, if I played too much and didn’t work at the store, of course I didn’t have any income, and I had to spend a lot of money every month in order to have fun and dress up.

I would keep a notebook of what I spent each month.

January 1990, 1,095,000 yen. February, nine hundred and forty-eight thousand yen. March, 1,550,000 yen. April, 1,800,000 yen…

For a moment I doubted my eyes and wondered to myself about such a large amount.

There was only one fifty yen coin left inside my pocket.

Even after rummaging through the house, searching even the pockets of every suit and every purse, he found only one fifty-yen coin.

The rent is 180,000 yen a month, and I don’t have a regular job, so if I don’t have a part-time job every day, I don’t have any income. Now that all I have is 50 yen, and there is still tomorrow after today, I try reasonably hard to figure out how to live tomorrow.

What can I do with 50 yen? Can’t afford to take the bus or the streetcar.

I’m collecting all the foreign goods I have in boxes and picking out what I don’t want. But the old stuff is so cheap, and the valuable stuff is either not wanting to get rid of it, or it’s something very wanted or important, it’s a real pain in the ass!

I pawned some unused Boston purses and wallets that I had gotten from a wealthy trading man.

When It’s a good system for a. If you want to get it back after 3 months, the interest rate on the loaned money is lower. If you don’t want to get it back, you can pawn it for a good price. The higher the pawn price, the higher the interest rate, so if you don’t want the item in the first place, you have to pawn it to a pawnbroker at a higher price. In this way, it is easier to make a good relationship with the pawnbroker’s uncle, and so you will often go to the pawnshop.

I only had to go to the pawnshop once, and my entire fortune changed from 50 yen to 100,000 yen, and the foreign goods I had swindled from the old man with the beard turned into 100,000 yen in cash. Next, I can take the 100,000 yen home, melt it down, and then go back to Roppongi to play.

Most of the places I go to are Rokki Mokki discos, and even though the store’s hours end at 1:00, they’ll still let you in for free all the same if you show a look of not wanting to end. Of course the pretty ladies, especially the regulars and entertainers, get in for free regardless of the time limit.

I was often treated like a child because I was still underage, and they would let me in for free by saying, “Forget it, there’s nothing I can do about it. They would let me in for free by saying, “Forget it, I can’t do anything about it.” They would let me in for free, drink free alcohol, dance for free, and then go home and eat free food with the employees who were off-duty before going home, thus saving money on the meal.

Next thing you know, if you continue to wander the streets, you’ll be accosted by men.

“Hey, where are you going? Do you want to go for a drink?”

If I want to drink today, sing karaoke today or dance today, all the stores I want to go to and all the things I want to do, I can ask the man I’m talking to at this time. For example, if I tell the guy I’m talking to that I want to go to karaoke, I can sing for free.

But I ignore the men if they want to go further with me. It doesn’t matter if I make them angry by taking their money and having fun. Because those people are just people I pass by for a moment in my life and have nothing to do with me.

There is only one counter in the cramped store.

There were several young men standing inside the counter. In this strange store where a cup of oolong tea costs a thousand dollars, these young men, who are considered to be practitioners, have no expression on their faces, nor do they perform any service, but just stand there blankly.

This is a Shinjuku 2-chome. Although every town has a 1-chome and a 2-chome, this Shinjuku 2-chome is one of the more unusual 2-chome towns in Japan.

“Self-defense, self-defense~~”

These people who came into the store looking like self-defense forces started singing Nakamori Akane’s “Girl A” as soon as they came in, singing the chorus in a broken accent. I always thought it was a bit strange, but the other customers didn’t find it funny.

Taking a general look at the store, it wasn’t very crowded. There were a lot of customers who came alone, and you couldn’t see the atmosphere of a lot of people drinking and chatting and having fun together.

This store is commonly known as a “cowboy store”, where men sell their bodies. They charge 8,000 yen for two hours for a short period of time, and 20,000 yen for a long period of time from 10:00 p.m. until the next morning. Therefore, those who are still standing in the store after 10 p.m. are young men who have no business or customers that day.

I’ve been going to this one store a lot since then.

I first met him in Mr. Ishikawa’s car. He was sitting in the passenger seat of Mr. Ishikawa’s convertible Porsche.

That day, in a silent room in the Kawasaki Suites apartment, I was writing a letter in the dark while admiring the man sleeping with his back to me. The letter read, “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

As I quietly walked out of my room, I was greeted by Mr. Ishikawa’s car. I couldn’t say no to Mr. Ishikawa’s requests, who bought me many things, so I probably had the idea of going out with a “car boy”.

Parked in a car with no one around on the national highway, there was another man sitting in the passenger seat, and that was Shinichi.

After the two of us gave each other a quick hello, the car headed for the third Keihin, while entering the Tokyo metropolitan area, trying to find a store that was open until morning. As the two of us casually chatted, the car slid into the parking lot of Famirace in Meguro Ward.

Although he didn’t notice it because the car was dark, Shinichi sitting in front of him looked like a rather nice man at first glance.

“Hey! Why are you still willing to come out when I call you and you’re obviously already in his room? Haven’t you done it yet?”

Mr. Ishikawa asked me this with a smile.

“He’s already asleep!”

I wanted to pull the topic away, but Ishikawa-san insisted on bringing it back. Just don’t ask me if I did it~ I really want to kick him from under the table.

It was impossible for Mr. Ishikawa to understand such feelings.

“Why, come on! There’s no way you didn’t do it, right? Ah! No big deal? Or did you let him cum in it?”

Mr. Ishikawa turned nasty and said even nastier things.

Now, all that’s in my eyes is a brand new man. Yes, a delicious new bottle of wine that hasn’t been opened yet.

“It was done, but when I got out of the shower, I found him asleep. Ughhhh, anyway, all in all it was just getting fucked.”

Why can’t we just talk about everyday conversations? The man in front of me who hasn’t had his fingers leaked yet looks more delicious than the man who just slept. I threw Shinichi a wink-like, giggling smile for them.

“That’s because you guys are happier together with Mr. Ishikawa!”

The next day, Shinichi called.

After making an appointment to meet up, my mind was completely taken over by his image. As for the rude man from yesterday, forget it, it’s already like that anyway! The reason why I can simply forgive the man I slept with yesterday for not calling is because of Shinichi’s presence. The sudden visit of love and a seemingly happy future could easily wipe out the past of the game man.

It didn’t take long for him to say “I like French bread” and eat breakfast in my room. I slowly took a shower, lubricated my skin with skin lotion, put on my favorite perfume, and finally put on the pure white pajamas I had put on for him. Just sitting and waiting every day like a domesticated dog in the closest bed to heaven was the most satisfying moment of my life.

Despite this, there are still times when he doesn’t hug me.

That’s when I let out a series of self-talks into my pillow. Is he sick of me already? Or is he with another woman? Or can’t get an erection anymore? It’s sad to think about. Why? Why what? It’s inconceivable that a young man in his late teens or early twenties wouldn’t be able to feel anything in bed with a woman. There’s definitely something wrong with that!

Even if you are usually angry at a man for wanting to fulfill his physical needs, when he suddenly stops wanting it, it creates an unexplainable feeling of unease and anxiety.

What the hell is going on?

I should have known better than to ask him the reason he doesn’t sleep with me, it’s a lame reason that I regret.

“It’s the disease of loneliness.” “Huh… what? what?”

“┅┅”

When he first said that, I was naive enough to think that he was suffering from loneliness, or perhaps a melancholic condition like bipolar disorder, but really, that should have been obvious at first glance, not because I was naive, but because I didn’t understand the Chinese characters. That’s right, he’s got “gonorrhea”.

I took him, penniless, to the urology department of the Masonic Hospital in the Nakameguro district, and that place was the top hospital for us.

Without an insurance certificate, he had to pay 20,000 yen for the treatment. It hurt to pay, but it hurt even more to think of Shinichi sleeping with other women, and my mistrust of him exploded, then turned into fierce jealousy. I had never asked him about his occupation, even though I had noticed it up until now, but now I was obsessively trying to find out all about him.

But he wouldn’t say anything no matter how much I asked, and I was afraid that if I asked any further I would lose my faith in him. The only one who had a clue was Mr. Ishikawa, but Mr. Ishikawa didn’t say anything either. Not being able to be a peeping tom and not having the money to hire a private detective is really painful, because there is nothing more painful than being hidden. Even a casual woman has thoughts and a heart that can’t be broken, and I feel like I’m deeply hurt.

“Do you take me for a random woman?”

The result of repeated inquiries was the store in Shinjuku 2-chome.

That’s where Shinichi works.

From time to time, you can see advertisements on street trees and utility poles that say, “Waitresses earn more than 20,000 yen a day”. These advertisements are not just any advertisements, they are advertisements for the store where Shinichi works. Any man who has money problems or is in a very difficult situation will want to try out the advertisement that says, “Waiter earns more than 20,000 yen a day”. During the interviews, looks were emphasized, and once they were hired, they were taken around to meet the owner’s regulars for just a week or two without even knowing what they were going to do. And then, just like in any other place, there was the so-called training, which started with caressing the boss’s body.

That’s where Mr. Ishikawa buys men. Turns out Mr. Ishikawa is gay.

And Shinichi is one of the men Mr. Ishikawa bought.

I knew absolutely nothing about any of this, and originally thought he was a friend of Mr. Ishikawa’s, and that’s why I liked this young man. Then that perfect Shinichi sitting in Mr. Ishikawa’s passenger seat turned out to be the man who sold his body in Shinjuku 2-chome!

“What?”

I was speechless for a moment, so surprised that I didn’t even have time to grieve.

“What’s going on here?”

I pressed Shinichi.

“Hey, what the hell is going on? Tell me!”

“┅┅”

“Why go and do such things? Why hide it from me?”

“┅┅”

He finally spoke.

There was the pervert who put his removed underwear into his mouth and kept biting on it as if he were eating a delicacy, the pervert who kept caressing his lower half with his mouth during the two hours of rest in the hotel, and the old man who forced Shinichi to masturbate for him.

“I don’t want to do it…”

Shinichi cried in front of me.

I was obsessed with Shinichi at the time. At the time, he couldn’t help but keep working because he owed people money, and I wanted to repay that money for him, or at least get him to quit the job. I was also a PR girl, so it didn’t hurt to spend hundreds of thousands of yen on men every month. My own gold jewelry and foreign designer handbags were nothing if I could bear not to be extravagant. That’s how I started giving him money and he quit his job.

It is not known whether this loan is really there or not. But his demands became more and more intense: I want that, I want this, I want to travel abroad, and so on, and he began to ask for a luxurious life. Even though I knew I was being used, I tried to fulfill his demands as much as possible because I wanted to keep him by my side. As a result, even though he stopped selling meat, I started to become a woman who slept with the most annoying old man to earn money.

It’s either a middle-aged beer belly, sagging skin that lacks moisture, or an oily face and the pungent smell of hair oil that you’re bound to smell when you get close. And that’s not all, after the age of 40, the body naturally secretes a smell that is the old man of middle age.

But even in the presence of this physiologically repugnant species, I spread my legs.

The sniffles blowing in my ear were more intense than the younger men, and even though I turned my body away from them to avoid their kisses, they would still stick their tongues inside my ear like reptiles, “Beep, beep, beep.” The sound of saliva was ringing in my ears. The men’s tongues hovered insistently at the base of my ears and my neck, giving me goosebumps and a deep feeling that instead of having my face licked, I would be more comfortable having my lower half licked.

Then my shirt was unbuttoned and the man’s fat wet palms came in, dimpled palms caressing nipples on my underwear. The bra was then unhooked, and the man then opened his hands and grabbed his breasts, and began to rub his fingers faster over the nipples. Once the shirt was removed, I was pinned down on the bed and the man’s fingers stroked through my panties.

“Ah~~” It’s almost time to start pretending to feel something, and the sooner the foreplay with the middle-aged man is over, the better, so I hope they’ll thrust in and ejaculate sooner. This thought was immediately converted into words: “Please, hurry up and stick it in~~” The man immediately removed his underwear, applied saliva to my dry pussy, and then stuck it in hard. The meat hanging down from my body was pressing down on me, and I was gasping like I was hurt. Anyway, I just wished it could have been over sooner.

I, on the other hand, don’t know how many times I’ve endured sex with such middle-aged geezers, getting big bucks every time.

As usual, the white-gloved driver opened the back door of the limousine, and the two of them drove toward Akasaka in the car.

Only today it was the well-known chairman of a large corporation, who had come from a well-designed and high-style room to an extremely beautiful Japanese-style garden. On the elegant table in the living room, the old man naturally placed a three million yen bill and said, “Take it!” Then he went to take a shower. In my mind, the “old man” had been upgraded to “godfather”.

After this, the two bodies were stacked together as a matter of course. Sleeping with my godfather didn’t bother me, I just hoped that one day he would promise me a house. All Godfather had to do was open the entrance door to my room and a large sum of money would roll in.

It was so easy for Godfather to come to me after drinking at Ginza until 12 o’clock, and after just 2 hours in bed Hou picked up his cell phone and called the driver back. Not only that, Godfather made me feel the flavor of a mature man that I had never felt before and made me orgasm several times.

Godfather would use his tongue to lick me purely while differing his right index and middle fingers into my already heated cunt, the fingertips stimulating mischievously, and every now and then, my body would react a little. Lascivious sounds that even I could hear myself. “Oooooh,” I gripped the sheets with both hands as the bodily fluids coming out of my body leaked the sheets wet.

“Ah, here, here~~”

I curved my waist and pressed the lower half of my body into my godfather’s face. Gradually losing consciousness.

“What do you want?”

After the kink, the godfather made the immediately wanting me feel anxious.

“… Godfather, I want to” put her hands on the loose back and spread her legs wide to pull him around her waist.

“Want one of Godfather’s?”

“Please… want…”

All I want is really just money.

Anymore an old man is just an old man.

There was an old man with tattoos on his body who pressed me hard onto the bed in the middle of my period and pulled out the tampon. Even though there was money to be had I still felt horrible, and when it was over I left the place like I was running for my life.

There were also old men with greasy hair in suits, gold-rimmed glasses, and dark blue suits who looked like they were serious but didn’t care enough to cum in them. I peeked into his purse while he was sleeping and was surprised that he only had 20,000 yen.

There were also old men covered in sores, laughing and smearing perfumed oil on my body and then licking it with great pleasure. When he shoves his hard one into my mouth and pulls that out, the old man grabs my face and wipes the ejaculate around my face with his finger before plunging that finger deep into my throat.

…makes my heart sing.

… humiliation, vomiting, whimpering, snarling.

My heart cried out hoarse.

“You shit old man, I’m going to tell everyone about your perversion.”

“Guys like you are better off being killed, so get lost!”

“I’m going to tell your loved ones and close friends about your horny nature!”

“I’m going to make your daughter have the same misery as me!”

After the old men had gone to bed, my heart was full of vengeance born of humiliation, but I did not do it, for I got money from them.

At this time of year, I record my feelings every day, what’s really going on in my mind, while I’m alone in my room, and what I record is horrific and gut-wrenching. Does the hypocritical self and the contradictory self that has become filthy by living a nasty life every day know it?

１９８９．１１．１３

Who? Is there a man who will shed a tear for me?

Everyone left after playing.

Even if you love me, it’s only at that time.

It’s very lonely!

Is there a man who can make me think how great it would be to be this person, or not?

１９９０．２．８

What kind of thing is love?

What is this so-called love?

It’s because of love that I want to stay by his side.

Together because of love.

What the hell was that guy thinking?

Who was reflected in that man’s pupils?

I’ll do anything for someone I like.

I’ll give anything for the one I like.

What does a mature man look like?

What the hell are mature men thinking?

The so-called men can be anyone.

The so-called men can be with anyone.

Forgive because you want to be loved.

Forgive because you don’t want to be hated.

Just having fun doesn’t mean you don’t want to be loved.

Don’t really want to be hugged if you’re just having fun.

I don’t want to be played by you.

I just want to shine for you.

Why do you let me cry without a care in the world?

Why are you laughing without a care in the world?

Why are you ignoring me?

Shinichi has another woman and doesn’t care about me anymore.

Because of this, I often went to Nichome with Mr. Ishikawa to buy men when I was lonely.

Two dime men are also bought by women, and with a price as cheap as 8,000 yen they are available. Because every boy looks clean-cut, women of course like them too. After the first payment of 8,000 yen, even if you don’t go to the store again, you can have a private date if you give him your phone number, so I’m not considered a customer.

As ironic as Shinichi is, I slept with a man named Kyosuke.

Kyosuke was the man I originally bought at Nichome, and after that, we became good friends and started dating. Kyosuke worked very hard at Nichome, and I couldn’t feel any darkness or dirt on him, which made me feel very comfortable, so we hung out a lot.

His mantra: “There’s no better job to do!”

“All you have to do is sell your ass to get the money, I even went to Okinawa for two weeks with a fat old man before and got two million yen right away. You should go for it too, and con those bearded old men out of their money.”

Although Kyosuke was saying, “Go for it, cheat those bearded old men out of their money.” But he was actually inciting me to “do more”. If you can make money just by using your body, there’s no reason to make too much. As for the money I got, I’d just use it for fun.

Back then, I always thought that random men were better off just being with random women. The two of them talked and counted on their fingers how many men they had slept with, how many women they had slept with, how many times they could do it in one night, how to have sex, what it meant to be kinky, and so on, all the while laughing and deciding who was better.

Every time I meet Kyousuke, I sleep with him. But he wasn’t really a boyfriend, he was just very close and chatty. Kyousuke was one of those friends during a time when I thought random people were better.

When you are embraced by your loved one, your brain feels it before your body does. “Love” is something that sensitizes the nerves, and the brain and body are dominated by pleasure.

Making love with Kyosuke was more like playing sports. While fooling around, while undressing each other, kissing as if in jest, and asking: “Is it here? Or here?”

Stroking each other’s erogenous zones on one side, purely for the pleasure of making love, would do no harm to one another.

It’s different once you make love to Shinichi. Because I love him, my heart is filled with jealousy, and every time he caresses and kisses me in a different way, I see other women’s shadows and become unable to make love with him to the fullest.

So I had to sleep with other men. If I slept with other men, I wouldn’t think about Shinichi or the fact that he had other girlfriends.

I’m not actually lonely, I thought to myself.

Even if you feel lonely, just have sex with Kyosuke or any other guy you meet by chance. Or it’s fine to go disco fishing, or buy it at Nichome, or just have sex with a random guy.

You can have fun with any man, any way you want. However, the loneliness that remains when your favorite man always turns away after sex can drive you crazy. In order to compensate for this loneliness, I had to have sex with a random man, so I would ask him to come to my home.

The more men I slept with, the more uncontrollable the emptiness in my heart grew. And in order to fill it, I had to find more men to seek more skinship. The reason why I became tender and fond of people, the reason why I was betrayed and hurt, and finally couldn’t pick myself up again and became hated, was because of the walls created by the fear of hurt and bitter thoughts in my heart. Even if you try to start your life again, you will become lonely every time you touch the tenderness again. Even if you have managed to calm down, you will start to change as soon as you are betrayed again.

I’ve been in this mood over and over again.