*This story is for my dear J. It’s about seeing this weird world through your eyes.
Reprints are welcome, but please give credit where credit is due and please do not remove this statement.
*Chapter 1: The Nature of Evil and the Curse
One afternoon when I was ten years old, I discovered for the first time the secret of a certain part of my body. This had a major impact on my life and determined the development and rupture of my personality later in life.
When I realized that rubbing through the chair against my legs could put me in a state of unknown pleasure that lasted, then exploded. Oh! Of course I know now that this is something most little girls experience, but to my ten year old eyes at the time it was a sacred ritual.
The look in Mom’s eyes when she first noticed it I have never forgotten, a look of disdain, contempt, and disgust. Angry, she used vicious sentences that represented meanings I would not understand until years later. I was given strict rules, between my legs became a taboo and a source of sin in my life, and Mom’s words became a spell over me for the rest of my life.
A sadness rose in me when I saw the boy squirming in his chair; the boy couldn’t get rid of his natural desires after all.
I really don’t know how I got past such years, years after my children’s father went away, it seems like there was no lust in me as a plague. Although I have read too much about these problems, this stuff is extremely dirty, so why do people go down dirty paths?
At the time I don’t remember what I had said, and anger took over my reasoning. Son, do you know how worried I was about you? There’s a world out there full of men who just want your body and have no shame!
I saw a touch of innocence in her eyes, but I also saw those peach blossom eyes and red cheeks, and I wondered if there was still a chance to salvage everything. I don’t know, because you’ve always been strong, I’ve never seen you listen honestly, and at a young age you’ve always made me upset.
Chapter 2: The Binding of Life
High school career didn’t bring me much joy until he saw me. After a year of being in the same class, I had noticed him but never thought I would have this opportunity in my life, I had long gotten used to no one paying attention to me or me coming and going alone without paying attention to anyone.
Those dates were wonderful, and years later I still have heart palpitations over them. I remember the beach in Freshwater, I remember the first kiss, I remember all of that, and I remember him saying he was going to leave me.
It is still incomprehensible that without warning or explanation, a year and a half relationship disappeared.
After that, I refused to say the word love, it was something that was not guaranteed, it was the same as what mom described. I finally understood Mom’s intelligence; she had long ago seen through the falsehood and deceitfulness of all the love affairs in the world.
Attention to her has been a long time, unlike other girls laughing and joking, she is always out of focus looking out the window, as if the world is only one person like her. That day, I asked her to go to the beach with a walk, she even agreed.
She was so quiet at the beach, she didn’t seem to be smiling from what I remembered before and after I met her. Nor was she melancholy, she was always quietly thinking about something. It was a kind of distance, as if it was far away and as if it was close, and I didn’t know her well at all.
There was no such thing as equality between us, she didn’t ever ask for my thoughts or opinions, and if I had to go to the causeway to hang out, I always followed her to the causeway and I didn’t know until I got there. She mesmerized me, but worried me; she was not a girl I could master.
I must leave, before I have the courage to do so. Otherwise my heart will be pierced by her, and I must flee, before I become a complete captive.
Chapter 3: A Mutual Trap
The boy came along just as my scars were ending and I was trying to catch the tail end of a bit of student flair as I was just entering my specialty. The two of them had a very smooth relationship, but it didn’t feel like much love, trying to say that there was always someone to be with!
Boys were always eager to explore my body, and I knew how to dodge, but gave in. I’ve always known that a woman’s body is like a trap for a man’s mind. It’s also like a piece of candy that a man can stick to and never let go. Experience says that a woman’s nature should be soft and gentle in order to be cared for by a man, doesn’t it?
I let go of everything and let him take as much as he wanted, oh God! A shiver went through my body that I hadn’t felt since I was ten years old. Familiarity and guilt, sweet excitement and tingling. For the first time I realized that my breasts were so perceptive that the slightest brush against them brought shivers throughout my body.
Paralyzing sensations as the world began to drift away. A twinge of disgust crept through my mind as I began to feel the entry of his prick. It was a strong kind of sting, but soon I forgot all about it and just felt out his in and out. It was so reckless, relentless.
Yes, it’s just relentless. It’s all relentless.
He didn’t last long before he ejaculated inside me and could feel a fullness. I honestly didn’t orgasm the first time.
Three years, three years I learned a lot, I learned how to flatter, I learned how to pretend to please a man. No, I didn’t know, I really didn’t know if I loved him or not, all I knew was that I needed a shoulder to lean on until I got pregnant.
He wanted me to take it off and I knew I had to.
The day he smoked a cigarette and paced around, yelling at me to stop crying, I finally realized that the trap I had worked so hard to build had collapsed. Do you know what it’s like to have a cold heart?
After graduation he was going back to his hometown in the south. He proposed, but I refused. Mom’s health was getting worse, Taipei was my hometown, and I couldn’t stand the blazing sun in the south, or I couldn’t stand a man like that.
The first moment I saw it I was mesmerized by her. Long hair, a soft smile, such gentleness and beauty. Yes, it was that gentleness, a submissiveness, a softness, it was that quality that attracted me.
Feeling a woman’s body heat was a first for me. There was a smell about her that made my groin ache beyond belief after a date every time. I began to hate her long hair brushing against my nose, it gave me an inexplicable desire to control myself, and it happened anyway.
Surprised that there wasn’t much resistance to contact, but she’s always been pliable and I haven’t seen her express any opinions.
I knew I was clumsy as my hands trembled as I undid her clothing. Those tiny erect breasts faced me proudly and I kissed them gently, as if returning to the primal peace. Her eyes were closed, her brow furrowed, and I knew it was an assurance of permission.
I was worried about my performance and I really didn’t know if he would be happy with me. Until, I found out that she was actually a virgin. That touched me. Oh, my God! I was really lucky to have a woman first and forever alone.
The moment I went in, it was the beginning of a maturity in my life that meant I was going to be responsible for everything, and I was going to be in control of my destiny with her.
Perhaps it was an illusion, I felt her look at me, the gaze was unfamiliar, someone I didn’t recognize. But soon I forgot all about it, my prick felt a wet tight package and I fought the urge to pound it, it was all mine, I used all my strength, I was sure she would be satisfied and happy. Then an orgasm like no other rushed through my brain, a thousand times more exciting than every time I masturbated.
After graduation, my family expects me to go back and manage my career. It’s a matter of course. I’ll marry her and go back to my hometown. What is the loss of a child considered? She will give me a dozen lovely children, yes, I know she will marry me, she is waiting for me to ask, I am so in love with her, she is a little woman who belongs entirely to me.
I can’t understand the look on her face when she rejected me. That expression resembled the strange look, cold as well as unfeeling, of that first night, and I realized that I didn’t recognize her.
She grew and grew and grew in front of me, striking at my self-esteem like a giant.
Chapter 4: Tiredness and Marriage
My husband is my colleague and he is a gentle and smiling man. I could see no faults in him, and of course, I had no reason to refuse his advances. The marriage was quite a matter of course, and he pleased me, for he was always in such a good temper, and quite indulgent with me. I stated my past to him one by one, and he embraced me and kissed my tear-stains.
I’m not actually asking for any understanding, I just want each other to not regret it. I’m glad that he’s able to let it all go, it helps the marriage. Like I said, although I have a strong personality, I always want a solid shoulder to lean on!
When Mom passed away, the world seemed to collapse in half, and we hurriedly got married on a customary date. At first, we had a wonderful marriage. Like all newlyweds, we made love every day. Then it started to be different. Everything started to change slowly.
The company downsized and he was laid off voluntarily. I tried hard to analyze everything to him, he didn’t know the shady business behind the company, but he was so persistent and got a new job. I knew he was under a lot of pressure and I tried to empathize with him. I knew that the position I had moved straight up to in a short period of time was not comfortable for him and I could understand his mindset.
But he began to stop talking much, stop touching me. He threw his sturdy body into the court and returned to our nest with the familiar sweat, but, without looking at me.
I know that I am a capable person, and from this small position I can see the wide world outside. It’s just as disorderly and dirty there as it is in the office, and someone has to take care of some of these problems.
My wife’s appearance was accidental, and she seemed so happy when she was in the company. Even though she was just a newbie, she was so in tune with her surroundings. We started dating and talking about relationships.
I admit it was a shock, she was not the innocent I thought she was. She calmly told of her past, that she wasn’t a virgin, that she had had an abortion, and when she was done she looked at me quietly. Maybe damn I should have slapped her then, but I couldn’t.
She began to weep, and I knew she was begging for my forgiveness. Yes, the world was dirty not out of nature but out of circumstance, and I was the one who was supposed to change that. We got married very quickly.
A chance to get out of this gloomy no-chance office with a severance package.
In particular, I couldn’t stand the fact that my wife, who seemed to be soft, had leveled up faster than I. It was wrong, how could a woman afford a man’s ambition? It just so happened that an opportunity was waiting for me, and I had to get over there, because it was for me.
I don’t know, it’s like going from one hell to another. Why are the people around me always so incompetent? I especially couldn’t look my wife in the eye. All the encouragement seemed sarcastic. Why do people around me get promoted? They’re just a bunch of incompetents. That’s not true at all. The world is made up of a bunch of crazy people.
At least the pitch is fair, you can flash past people, you can cut in with the ball. Your hard work will be proportional to your sweat.
Chapter 5: The Challenge of Passion
It was so lonely when I first stepped onto the Internet, and this man greeted me with a light cut, ignoring the many women in the chat rooms who longed for him. I knew I could control it, and at first I just wanted to get away for a while, just to hang out with him by chance.
Until he started to tell me about his love, he kissed me, his hand roamed between my legs, and I refused him, I swear I used to. But I was tired, and the long awaited fire in my body burned up and flooded me with the whole thing.
The lights in the hotel were so ambiguous, the bed so soft. He eagerly undressed each other and kissed me, kissed me all over, kissed me until I went crazy.
I couldn’t control the fire in my lower body and felt out that the sheets were already wet in a big way, but he didn’t budge. He nibbled gently on my nipples and I reached my first orgasm easily, so beautifully beautiful. He led me to caress his prick, watching it open up in anger, and holding it in my mouth it was like a spear, piercing the depths of my heart.
The dildo slowly entered me, it was a sensation I had never felt before and I ejaculated cunt almost immediately. I opened this crying, thinking that I shouldn’t be taking this kind of pleasure, that it wasn’t right, and my sanity began to try to pull me back to reality. But I immediately broke down again on his next stroke. I admitted that I had lost, I could only throw myself into my senses and let him fill my womb with as much cum as he wanted.
He asked me if I loved him. I didn’t say anything, I swore I wouldn’t, but I mentally knew I was in love with him. It was vague, in fact I didn’t know if I loved him or not, but I knew I truly loved him when he was inside me.
Soon his prick rose again and he entered me again, on and on and on.
I wished I could maintain some reserve, but I couldn’t stop my lower body from caterwauling. I rolled onto him, and I felt with all my heart that fullness that came with each entry inside me.
I don’t know how many times I had an orgasm that day, as I did on those many days that followed.
Until he began to disappear, and his disappearance was not sudden, but slow. His infamy began to ring in my ears, and a new prey appeared.
I looked closely at myself, at my sinful body, and I was surprised that I did not shed a tear, for I knew that crying would only be met with merciless ridicule. I examined my thoughts, did I love him? It is still a mystery, but I know I will never forget his body, his body odor, and the humiliation I felt because of it.
The world was too small until I discovered the Internet. The net is a wonderful world, you can get a lot of things, like women, through well-written texts. In my heart there is a desire, a need, a never-ending mission of conquest. I can do it easily through the net, I love the net too much.
I can see the shadow of loneliness at a glance, through the text alone. She’s just one of many women I’ve met, but one I haven’t forgotten. I was amazed at her loneliness, and I was amazed at her passion; she had so many different facets at once that she was honestly the only one I wasn’t sure if I had succeeded in my conquests.
Getting her didn’t surprise me, I can boast that I’ve never missed a beat, no one can resist my teasing and seduction. I was just surprised at how easy it was to get her, and it made me suddenly feel a little disappointed.
Soon I discovered her weakness, her sexual whims and desires were endless, which pleased me because I too had no limits, and I loved an adversary.
She was quickly wet, no, not just wet, but flooded. I kissed her nipples, which were permeated with a fragrance, and I knew she had an immediate orgasm. I could feel her shivering as I went inside her, not out of fear, but out of joy. She twisted her upper body, her long hair flowing, her lower body fighting to respond to each of my thrusts.
I loved the look of concentration on her face as she held my prick, and I knew she truly loved my baby.
She played with it carefully and looked at it. I smiled and asked her if it tasted good. She threw herself back on the bed shyly, and it took a lot of effort to get her to turn over.
She moved above me, squeezing, and I hadn’t seen a woman so oblivious to sex. Beads of sweat trickled down to her breasts, nipples, as beautiful as pearls.
She was the only woman who could satisfy me, and to this day I still can’t forget how I felt every time I shot into her pussy. Such beauty, such compactness.
But she made no sound, and if it weren’t for her movements and expressions, sometimes I’d almost think she was unconscious.
I asked her do you love me? She didn’t answer me, but I knew she loved me, however, as a conqueror, I couldn’t stay in one place for too long, it was immoral. I cherish this relationship, but there are voices calling me from afar, and it is a duty.
Chapter 6: The Clarity of Reconciliation
When I came to the temple, I looked up at the old tree, which I heard would be cut down soon for the expansion project, like a break and split of my whole childhood. As I walked up the steps, there weren’t many people around because it wasn’t a holiday.
I knelt quietly before Mom’s urn, and I wondered with what kind of eyes she was looking at me now. There were no tears, a kind of peace, a heart as clear and quiet as an ancient well.
I silently call out to Mom, only you are the closest to me, only willing you to see how pliable I am today.
Son, when you were young, I could see that your life was going to be stormy, and I only hoped that you, like your mother, would be able to get away from this world of red dust.
Fate chose us to be mother and daughter, and fate has made it impossible for you to escape the frustrations of life. You are a loner by nature and have always had no room for yourself, but as life should be, learn to get used to it and accept yourself!
Chapter 7: Past Life Sins
Work has not been going well, it seems that the grade has been high, but psychologically understand that he is frozen. There was nothing to do at work, and the town hung out in various chat rooms until that day.
This person is also known on the Internet, not young, seems to be a decent character. On weekdays there are often some female netizens around him, but I have not seen him have any action, as if with the netizens always keep a kind of distance. The only thing I know is that he is married and has an online lover. In fact, this thing I kind of clear network, come and go between always unreal, when not really.
I’m not sure how it all started, but after chatting with him one afternoon I ICQ’d him without interruption. I started to familiarize myself with everything about him, even his family and his lover. I could tell he meant it, but I was just having fun, teasing him all day long.
Every morning into the office to open the computer, ICQ will pop up in the middle of the night he sent to wish me a happy day and so on. Until one day, that day I still clear, the computer opened without familiar sentences, I was a little panicked, began to worry, I sent some sentences over, but no reply. Until the night, every night after eleven o’clock and so on after the husband sleeps peacefully this is my ICQ time with him, he finally appeared, and the bastard is surprisingly no shame. Suddenly I realized I was used to his gentleness and my mind started to get nervous.
My lover is far away from his country, I put down the mouse in my hand, sighing with emotion. Forty years of hard work, in exchange for a small family, but always is something missing. For a long time has been accustomed to speak to themselves, often startled up. Dumbly facing the mirror in their own, the original love is their own this tired heart.
I don’t remember the details of the day I met the woman, but life is such a muddle anyway.
I know that my personality is spontaneous, and in fact, I have never dared to provoke any right and wrong. Life has such a beautiful family, and then a beautiful love my lover, already is unable to think about some more. Until the woman appeared.
This little woman piqued my curiosity right from the start, and if we’re talking about past lives, she’s really a complete carbon copy of me. The frivolity of my youth was seduced by the habit of being at work, looking at the computer and messaging with her in passing.
Every night after eleven o’clock, the woman is always more empty, without realizing it has become a habit to become a regular date. Still thinking of women at midnight as well, I knew that life was going to start facing choices that I didn’t want to face.
Chapter 8: The Fear of Being Seen Through
I knew I would be hurt, that this man would inevitably come with a sword to pierce me. A greedy man who wants to have the hearts of countless women at once, not giving up on every available prey. But he is at the same time loyal, and he maintains an egalitarian loyalty to each of his women, which certainly feels hateful.
I began to guard myself against him, actually against myself, because I knew my heart had lost its balance. One day he complained bitterly that he had lost his lover, the woman he described as proud and elegant, and I knew he never lied.
I’ve actually only met a man once, and that was in a cyber gathering with a mixed crowd, and the conversation wasn’t more than two sentences long. A tired-looking middle-aged man, nothing too attractive about his appearance, sort of ordinary! But there was a tenderness in his eyes, a damned and deadly tenderness.
He lived in the south and will always remember that late fall October day when he went north to negotiate a business deal. He arrived a day early, on a weekend, and I took him around Danshui. There were no cars, no taxis, just buses and walking, and I laughed to see him, spoiled by modern technology, gasping for breath as he followed me. I loved watching him get knocked down because I knew I was already under attack.
It was nearly ten o’clock when we got back to the hotel, and I hesitated when he invited me upstairs.
The first time I met a woman, I saw a standard working secretary, dressed in a suit, seemingly rushed from the workplace to attend this boring party. In fact, that fashion is not familiar, but the first time I saw it, but the whole mind for the vibration.
I’m a little afraid of a lively scene, but it’s just that this online gathering was organized for me by a northern internet friend. In my spare time my eyes locked on her, and in a flash I suddenly saw through it. The brain behind the long hair has the same wavelength as mine, the flexible eyes are equally weary, even the silver bell-like laughter also conveys the same loneliness as mine.
Suddenly I had a desire to hold her, not out of a male animal instinct that had long since been destroyed by forty years of life. Rather, it was out of love, pity. Or out of familiarity. Yes, she was me, and we were so similar.
With her lover, she will always be in the middle of a fight, and she will never bow down, because she has this power. Many people are born with this advantage, and the lover is such a woman born with a silver spoon. Time and time again, quarrels, time and time again to get back together, fatigue rises, but it is to show my indecisiveness.
Freshwater is windy and remembered from twenty years ago. The woman’s brisk pace wandered in front of the jump, tossing her long hair from time to time and laughing as she told which tree she had climbed as a young girl. Lungs long emptied by cigarettes struggled to breathe, but the brain was surprisingly clear, as if he had been in that tree.
He was led back to the hotel like a cow. The woman laughed softly and said mischievously, “I’m glad I didn’t lose you on the streets of Taipei.
Naturally I asked him if he would like to come up and sit down, and I swear at the time I had no other thoughts. It was just based on a courtesy, but then it felt like a slip of the tongue.
The woman hesitated, shaking her long hair.
Chapter 9: A Familiar Dream
Through the hotel’s floor-to-ceiling windows Taipei was beautiful at night, beautiful in such an unreal way that the ugliness of the day was covered up. I was shocked to realize that he leaned in behind me, I turned around with a jerk, only to see him smiling and holding an apple for me. Anyway, it’s already paid for and I don’t eat this foreign stuff, so eat it! He said with a smile.
I sat quietly on the couch eating an apple as he watched the night behind me, instinctively feeling the approach of a strange man’s distinctive scent, I tried to run away but he kissed me. I struggled to push him away, but I knew I was in full rout.
It wasn’t a physical reaction that I was familiar with, it was a total mental breakdown, something I hadn’t experienced before, and for the first time I was completely overwhelmed.
He gently guided me to the edge of the bed and kissed me, and I couldn’t resist, not at all. The first kiss turned out to be so sweet, I used to think that kissing was just a process or a tacit confession, but it turned out that kissing was such a mesmerizing experience.
He began to touch my body and reason told me I had to resist. I knew full well that this man was unlike anyone I had ever met before, and that he would destroy me completely. He kissed my breasts and nibbled on my earlobes and I knew it was over, I was already his.
It wasn’t out of mere physical confession, but a sudden burst of long-suppressed emotion, and God knows how much I loved the old man.
To this day I can barely remember how he took me, not because of memory forgetfulness, but because I was in a complete stupor. All I know is that he came quickly, all I remember is that it was the first time I cried out during sex, and I can’t even remember if I had an orgasm.
I couldn’t push away this man who smiled at me afterward, and I wished that he would keep hugging me like this, and my heart cried out not to go away and stay in my life forever. This is love, I told myself.
My knowledge of Taipei has always been limited to hotels, and the Taipei of twenty years ago has long been forgotten. Instead, hotels are intimate and safe for me, and make me at home.
She gazed out at the floor-to-ceiling windows uneasily, and I knew exactly how uneasy she felt. I can’t explain the feeling, but I know her every thought.
Throwing her an apple, she sits quietly on the couch and nibbles, very intently. Through the reflection of the floor-to-ceiling windows, I see my own desire. I try to stop myself, this is just a young kid, but I kiss her back. The apple rolled slowly on the floor.
She began to struggle and looked at me with helpless eyes. Oh, my God! I felt a familiarity in those eyes, as if we had been together for a century. The lips that responded to mine were so soft and sweet. She trembled in my arms.
Breasts of that beauty, not very large, one might even say small, but standing proudly. The nipples were extremely small, with a pinkish tint. Kissing her breasts, it felt like her body was constantly shaking and trembling.
My kisses traveled down the body. Her belly is full and firm… a youthful body! But why is it so familiar? The slender legs are so flawless, I kiss her ankles.
I kissed her mysterious cave to my heart’s content, it was a wet and sweet smelling place of beauty. I felt every tremor, felt her wanting me to come inside, she was my woman, my human child in a previous life.
It was this compact. She whimpered and gripped my arm. I lost my grip. It made me quite ashamed, I hadn’t been this fast since I was thirty years old. Cum spurted out and shot all over her white torso. Tired, I collapsed on top of her, letting the cum glue the two of them tightly together, never to be separated again.
Chapter 10: Hate
This old gentleman does not know where to rent this car, I think it must be afraid, heh! Sitting in the car with him in the countryside of Taipei strolling. In fact, Taipei has absolutely no countryside, we are picking the desolate road walking. Afternoon sunshine through the car window sprinkled in, winter sunshine warm, like my heart.
Stealing glances at him, my heart filled with love, this is the second time he’s gone north since we’ve been together. Tomorrow is the day he is to leave, and I wonder if I shall cry, as he did the last time he went back. I don’t know if I’ll cry like I did the last time he went back!
It’s been a while since I’ve cried, why does this man just get on my nerves.
The cell phone rings and experience knows it’s the woman in his family calling. I used to shrink my body into a corner, it wasn’t my place to listen was it? I’m just a third party on the fringe, and don’t even have the right to be jealous.
Hello! One sound later, the man’s face took on an odd expression of overwhelm, embarrassment, a mixture of being out of place.
Disconnected, huh! I know… you’re arriving tomorrow night… you’ll be picked up at the airport the day after tomorrow… I’m starting to understand mentally. Trying to escape, but with the car still driving slowly, I began to get annoyed. Oh, God! He lied to me, his lover was still there.
We didn’t talk about it again, and at night I continued to be soft and obedient to him, knowing that this might be the last time. No one can hurt me anymore, I screamed in my heart to the man, not even you.
My body was still on fire, I couldn’t resist him, he was the only man who could get inside me, but in such a hateful way.
A lover’s nature is often overwhelming, perhaps she is idle! She also demanded that I be as idle as she was. Every time I argue about these things, but always come back together, things just go back and forth.
The days in Taipei are wonderful, occasional meetings, most evenings or holidays with the woman to visit the footprints of her childhood. Although it was only half a month, it was as if the two of them had spent a lifetime together. Occasionally, I try to compare a woman with a lover, but I can’t find out which one I love more in my confusion.
The lover is mature, yet undoubtedly loves to make a fool of herself and knows how to be pampered. She is accidental and indifferent, with a fiery love hidden in her heart. This is not a superficial way of putting it. Lover is actually like a mom nagging all day long, let a person warm and safe. The woman is like a shadow, so similar, but do not know when it will disappear in the shadows.
The moment my cell phone rings, I hesitate for a moment, knowing in my heart who it should be.
The woman looked at me with a look of helplessness, and I knew it would be irreparable.
Her lover’s excited voice came over the phone as she fished for an opportunity to be able to come back for three days.
After the phone hung up the woman did not say a word, things like never happened, time in the air frozen. After a long time, the woman asked gently, not divided? Suddenly I realized that I had made a mistake, a mistake that I could not make up for the rest of my life. I have never mentioned again, I and my lover split up has been a kind of inertia.
Women have said that a third person I might still be able to tolerate, a fourth person is undoubtedly ridiculous.
She’s a woman of considerable self-respect, and I forgot that I think I’ve knocked her down.
Chapter 11: Reviewing Life
The memories start to come back. I was a rebellious kid when I was younger, and Mom always had a headache for me.
One by one, the men he had known in the past came to mind, and none of them could even remotely compare to this man.
In fact, I am not tender to this man on the surface, but tenderness has been hidden deep in my heart. I know that I am not a woman with tenderness, I love competition and prefer the cause of power, and I wonder if I was wrongly born as a daughter.
I would show my feminine side, but I knew it wasn’t me. I will always be rational and intelligent, and even though I can’t deny my body’s arousal every time I warm up, I occasionally think about what business I haven’t taken care of.
And, only this man, he can completely lose me.
Past experiences come up again and again, my own past comes to the surface, and it turns out that I didn’t love these men, I was just betrayed by my body. This has been an obsession of mine since I was a child, I hate my body, it always fails to listen to the norms of my sanity.
But this man he’s different, he sees right through me and is going to die and I want to leave but I can’t.
My child, you will never know the trouble you have caused me since you were a child. You have the same personality as your mom, and although I don’t want you to be like me, I have unconsciously raised you that way.
I could see the kind of peach blossom in you when I held you in my hands when I was young. I was afraid that you would cause all kinds of trouble in the future, so I raised you like a boy and taught you, and I also expected you to be as successful as a man.
I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing or the wrong thing, but when you look at me more often, I know you’re not happy inside. Tell Mom, are you unhappy? Maybe you’ve never been happy. Maybe I didn’t give you the chance to be happy.
But you should know how Mom worries about you and loves you.
Chapter 12: Good or Bad Messages
The man receives a phone call from the south of the country, where he tells how his wife has opened a love letter on his computer and he has been forced into a corner. The funny thing is that he didn’t choose his family because of it, but because his beautiful and proud lover couldn’t take the humiliation and left.
He mumbled something about the incident and my mind began to wander. Unsettlingly, I went into his thoughts and began to grieve for him, which alarmed me.
Asked him how long he had not eaten, I knew him, and he said softly three days. I said angrily, do you want me to go south and feed you myself? You think I can’t do that? The man was silent…
He is mine alone now, but there is no joy in my heart. I once asked him what he would do if he had to choose between my lover and his someday, and his answer was laughable but firm. He said he would stay away because he couldn’t tell which he loved more.
Laughable mistakes happen again and again, and the habitual deletion of mail leads me to leave the computer on, and even more laughable is the long letter from my lover on the screen, which I’m halfway through replying to.
Back home everything had happened. My wife questioned me with a cold face and I honestly told her all about my lover. The storm I expected did not happen, my wife had already talked to her lover over the ocean and she promised to disappear forever. I went back to my study in disbelief and dialed the phone in a rage. My lover’s crying and angry voice came back, and I knew how humiliated she was and that I had lost her forever.
Three days without food or sleep. Everything about my lover was in my head and I kept telling myself it was the truth, but I couldn’t accept it any way.
I dialed the woman, and the thought was to have a conversation with myself, I guess! The woman calmly asked me to take care of myself, and I mumbled that I couldn’t do it.
She suddenly got angry and yelled, “Do you want me to go down and feed you? You think I can’t do it? My heart was suddenly released and a warm current flowed through my heart.
Chapter 13: Running Away
Couldn’t stop loving him, I tried, but I just couldn’t. I went back to the chat room to fool around without him knowing, it was full of ambiguous flavor, kind of like a pub full of sexual seduction. But I still love him so much, I can’t forget him.
Consistently I started dating and all he knew was that I often needed to work late or get together, etc. I always had an excitement before each date, my body encouraged me to do something. But every time it came down to the wire, damn he would always come to the forefront of my mind.
Spring in Taipei is a bit ambiguous, humid, so people do not know what to do. It was the first time I met with this man, not bad looking, Sven, polite talk. Dinner time was almost over, he politely said he would drive me to the station, which is normal isn’t it?
The car goes straight into the motel and I start to get scared, it’s not right. He was steely, with majestic eyes, but not the image of the man who had just told me to shut up. He might hurt me, I’m sure he will, the papers are full of stories like this, he will hurt me.
He asked me to take off my clothes, and, unbeknownst to me, I did so obediently, as if hypnotized. I don’t remember most of the events leading up to sex, except that I didn’t struggle when the man touched me, but felt a twinge of pleasure, a sense of equilibrium. The man was carefully doing his foreplay work on me, and my body started to heat up helplessly, I wanted him to enter. Suddenly a thought flashed in and it felt so ridiculous I wanted to cry.
The man’s prick was thick and I climaxed quickly. It was a special sensation, the penetration of a man in my vagina without any guanxi, a stimulation, not seen before. He probably got tired and stopped for a while. Didn’t you want to? Why did you stop? I rolled over on top of him, that’s how you like it! Will you behave better? I began to actively cater to him, pleasure exploding through my body.
On top of him, I fought to move, to feel the depth of the shaft. He kissed me and I felt the desire in the unfamiliar lips, my tongue stirred with his as the continuing orgasm flooded my body, ridiculously the mind was very clear, the two organs as if they were separate. I had another orgasm as he shot in.
Looking at his limp prick, I began to get frustrated, frustrated at my own impotence.
This man was the first day I saw, as well as the last. I didn’t make a sound since the beginning.
This is a familiar place to me, I use all kinds of ID to mix in and spy on my prey, women are naturally lonely, they need men. All you need is some tact, some gentleness, and they will follow you obediently. Of course some of them are not well-behaved, you have to give them the right amount of intimidation and they will listen, trust me.
This woman I was sure I wanted as soon as I saw her, she had an odd air about her, but I liked it. I’ve been watching her silently for a while now, she flirts with men but doesn’t join them, I know she’s expecting me to show up to save her.
Dating wasn’t hard, I easily asked her to spend dinner with me and she was so much more beautiful than I thought she would be. I’m naturally nurturing, congenial conversation isn’t difficult for me, I can tell a dozen little jokes.
The woman bothered me a bit though, she didn’t seem to pay much attention to how I was acting, she always smiled modestly to show her false politeness and her thoughts flew off somewhere. I’m getting a little pissed off.
This of course I wouldn’t let her know, because I’m a polite bookworm! After checking out I offered to walk her to the station for the bus, and I knew she’d say yes.
When you get to the motel she starts to get angry, and women are cute when they get angry, but it’s a bad habit to get angry for a long time. At this point all you have to do is yell at her to shut up, and all women will shut up immediately, but of course there are the occasional women you have to teach a lesson to. But this woman is quite well behaved and smart, she knows what she has to give and she agrees with me completely on anything.
Women’s bodies are really very beautiful, and I still get an instant erection to this day when I think back on it, I’m not selfish, I like women to be happy.
I kissed her all over until I got the hang of it when I got to her tiny nipples. Her body began to curve and twist and she started to shake. I’m not going to stop, am I? I want her to beg me, I love to see a woman beg me.
The woman’s body almost appeared in a great wave, and I couldn’t understand why she didn’t make a sound. There was longing in her eyes, like a mist, but she was just still. The love juices from her lower body were staining the sheets, I didn’t know, I could only assume that she should be ready to take me.
I proudly inserted my prick, due to the wetness this was all very easy. She was really very tight and didn’t seem to have had much experience. I tried to thrust harder and harder, the woman’s body followed suit, but still no sound came out, not even an expression on her face.
I was tired, hadn’t worked this hard to please a woman, shouldn’t she be pleasing me? The prick continued to swell in my cunt, but I had to catch my breath.
A strange look appeared in the woman’s eyes as she suddenly rolled over on top of me. Topping and pounding, a frantic look began to show on her face. I soon cum and the woman isn’t about to stop, it lasts about a few seconds before she crumples down on top of me.
After disengaging herself from me, she got up, white cum slowly oozing from her cunt. Naked as if on display, she faced me, gazing down at my starting to shrink prick with a scornful smirk in her eyes. Slowly turning around, she went into the bathroom to clean herself.
I was suddenly a little overwhelmed.
Chapter 14: Despair Brings Hope
For two whole days I couldn’t eat, drink or sleep properly, and instead of feeling the pleasure of revenge, I began to hate myself. Hatred for the betrayal of his body, which had taken away a kind of legitimacy from the whole revenge. Physical impotence battles with willful determination, wrongly overestimating everything about yourself and not knowing what to do about it.
Pretend two days of peace and quiet life, the man seems to have found something but did not ask, which makes it even more difficult. Men rarely call over, the third day suddenly received a phone call from the man, the man asked straight out what happened? In fact, this does not surprise me, I have long been used to men have the ability to know everything about my thinking. Suddenly thought well beforehand words all forgotten, cried out in pain.
My heart was already prepared for the man’s departure. Isn’t that what my revenge is all about? Why does my heart ache? Why am I so upset?
I quietly told the man about the course of the days, and he was silent. When it came to me submitting to the shock of being with another man, the man said in a rarely agitated tone, did he hurt you? I said no, and the man continued to be silent.
Tell the man that I will leave, leave him, leave everything. The man quickly followed up by asking, do you love me?
I swore I’d never say it again. I never said it to a man. I started to cry…
There was a strength in my life, and while I was in the Taipei station, I cried with all my might as I yelled, “I love you…” I cried out loud. Passers-by looked at me strangely, but my heart was completely released.
The man laughed, he said, that’s just it, wouldn’t it be weird for you to love me and leave?
Recently, women are always strange, sometimes inexplicably excited, sometimes the mood hit rock bottom, and the strangest thing is that I am always irritable in my heart. I have a special sense between me and the woman, I know that something should be wrong.
The woman’s talk of going for a walk to Freshwater on weekend afternoons, which was always when she was in an extremely bad mood, disturbed me. It had been two or three days, and it seemed as if the woman always had something to say, but swallowed it. Unable to resist I dialed her cell phone.
After a big cry, she began to tell how it happened. Her attitude was like a recounting of someone else’s story, and there was no ebb and flow in her voice. When she spoke of the man who had taken her into the hotel, a kind of anger rose in me. No, it wasn’t because she was sleeping with a man, I imagined she must have been hurt, such rotten people I knew.
Luckily, she’s always been smart and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.
I knew she would then ask to leave, and with her strong personality, it was only natural. I only asked myself if I cared? Did I love her? The answer was like a flood that immediately overwhelmed me.
Yes, I love her. I can’t live without her.
I asked myself can you forgive her? The answer showed up like the speed of light. Forgive? Why do you need to forgive? No, she hadn’t done anything wrong. Suddenly everything became easier, the troubles disappeared. Isn’t the trouble with people always that they don’t know what they want?
So I had the devious idea that women never say they love me. So I asked her, do you love me. Without hesitation she screamed… I love you… Tears streamed down my face.
Chapter 15: Crossing the Nook
The temple remained quiet, and the man accompanied me for the second time. The first time he stood far away, as if it was none of his business, and he had always laughed at these ideas of ghosts and gods.
The man suddenly knelt beside me, facing Mom’s shrine, and muttered what sounded like a prayer, but he never told me what he recited. He never told me what he was saying. I could only see the light of the setting sun pouring down from the window, and the man’s body was bathed in a golden glow.
Mom… I love this man, I love him so much. Don’t stop me this time, Mom… Please bless us. I don’t want him to leave me. This is the first time I’ve ever felt fear from the bottom of my heart. I don’t want him to leave. Mom… Please help me keep him, okay?
You kid, I honestly don’t like you very much, you don’t even believe I’m looking at you. Alas! But she’s had a hard enough time, so…
I know you were sincere when you spoke to me, and although I know that men are bad men and totally untrustworthy, I can see that your assurances are genuine.
Remember your vows well, and I now give her to you. Alas! I have not actually been so relieved.
Remember, it’s not that I don’t know you well, you need to pay more attention to me and never break my baby girl’s heart. She’s strong on the outside as well as the inside because that’s what I’ve deliberately trained her to be, but I know that someday a man is going to come in and knock it all down.
Although you don’t look good to me, I’m fine with it! Don’t be impatient if I talk too much!
Chapter 16: The Freedom of True Love
The man gently removes my clothes and I begin to fear. I really didn’t know if I could accept him again, or if I feared he would, and I was ashamed of every reaction my body had had in the past.
When the man kissed me, I instinctively avoided him. Fear took over my body and I wanted to run out of the room. The man’s eyes, which had always been gentle, suddenly became serious and he simply said, “My dear, it’s your heart I want… about your body, may you open your heart to it… it’s not something to be ashamed of… if it’s something to be ashamed of, it’s because you don’t look it in the eye… your body doesn’t humiliate you… on the contrary, it’s you who humiliates your body”.
His kisses are so familiar and immediately take my soul. I began to moan as a single kiss gave me total fulfillment and I hugged him tightly.
He came inside me and my heart cried out with pride, this is mine. Yes, this man is mine, he belongs to me, he belongs to me wholly and I belong to him wholly.
Pushing him away, I took the initiative to do the only active act of my life, I took his prick. I kissed and stroked it, it was such a lovely thing. I want him to remember me, to remember my kisses forever.
I had gained complete freedom and I couldn’t remember the details of my lovemaking with the man I loved because it wasn’t of the physical senses, it was a mind meld. What I can remember is the constant explosions I would feel begging him to stop, I would plead with him to cum because I was so full I couldn’t get any fuller.
I still rub my lower body against his thighs afterward, I love it when he gets an erection again and I want him to enter again. I love it when he stops inside me afterwards, I love it when he straddles me. I would scrutinize him when he fell asleep from exhaustion, he was actually a child and I thought I would protect him forever.
When I kissed her she was like a frightened bird, she started to flinch and asked me not to touch her. She didn’t know me, and suddenly I felt a twinge of sadness in my heart that she didn’t know how I loved her.
Is it not all so important? A woman’s body blossoms like a stamen, and naturally she is not immune to many bees and butterflies. But in the heart of this flower is the conviction that she is only happy for someone, and that is the only truth. And while I have this truth, the flower is only upset that last night’s storm hurt its petals.
Do I love this flower just because her petals are beautiful? Do I love it just because she’s the only heart I’ve got?
I made love to her with all my heart, and what entered her body was not the insignificant reproductive organ but my whole love. No skill, no charm, no size, my power is love.
She suddenly rolled over and disengaged, taking my prick in her mouth, kissing it, licking it gently and placing it on her chest. She had always been a little exempt about using her mouth, and an urge to cry came over me. She pushed gently with her hand, sometimes squeezing roughly, and finally she straddled my body and smiled as she took it inside and began to moan.
She left quietly after I fell asleep and woke up with the scent of her hair around her. I wasn’t worried at all, for she would be back tomorrow, and she was my woman, forever.
Chapter 17: The Beginning
Should I control the body from which I cannot be separated? Do I have the power? Men stay away most of the time, I really don’t know.
But I know I’ll never leave him, there’s no fear in the world with him in it. And I, I love him so.
I thought… if I would do something I couldn’t understand again, I thought… I wondered if the other party would still be interested when they realized that even though my body was yielding, my mind was filled with nothing but my old manhood!
The story doesn’t end, it just begins. I don’t fantasize that there hasn’t been a storm since, but I know we’ve survived it all.
Love is a marvelous thing, and what exactly is the role of the body in love? It’s all very hard for me to understand. It’s like I can’t help but be jealous of the men she’s dated, but have never felt threatened by a man who touched her body – how is that to be explained psychologically?
But don’t bother! I know I love her, and she’s all I have in the world, and that she does the same for me, and that’s where the story begins.