Telling the stories of masturbators themselves.
I was lying in bed masturbating, the water on the gas stove outside was boiling and the kettle was making a sharp whistle, I was tired and indifferent. The wind blew and the door opened with a creak. My bed was very close to the door, so I closed it gently with one hand, and after a while the door opened again, so I left it alone, letting the door open and the kettle rattle.
At that time I had a house where my heart and I rested for many years.
Before that time, a sorghum pole could be a gun, a tree branch could be a gun, everything could be a gun. Later I understood that my cock was also a gun, a black tasseled gun, and there was always a position to make the charge, not to make it lonely, raw . Who is my wife among the crowd? Where is that she in the underworld?
We fought in the hutongs all day long. Ghosts often captured Bailu alive, and thieves dared to chase the Public Security Bureau. The “ghosts” often captured the “Bailu” and the “thieves” dared to chase the “public security officers” and make them piss in their pants. It seemed different from what was shown on TV, so who was more real than who? Hutongs are the mother of all my memories. Once I was drunk when I was growing up, I cried in the hutongs.
We are a group of dirty brats, snot drooping long, dirty cuffs shiny, there is an old acacia tree in the hutong, there is also a small elm tree, small elm tree was later cut down by Park Yan’s father, and bought a lift head on the press, Park Yan’s father said just right, we are also playful, said it is just right just right. Her father threw a cigarette butt without talking away, I hurriedly picked up and inhaled two mouthfuls, next to Liangzi said: “Yao Yuan, leave me some, leave me some.” I also sucked a mouthful of spittle and snot spit on the ground, I said with a bad smile: “suck it!”
Hutong elm money fell, acacia flowers bloomed, my hobby is to climb the tree, the tree will have a soul, the birds have a nest.
A nest, I stabbed the nest, tied a lit firecracker to the bird and said with infinite affection, “Fly! You are free.” Amitabha Buddha. Sophora may be able to eat, Liangzi said it was poisonous, Feng Xiaogang said not poisonous, I said the mushrooms are poisonous, Bo Yan said: “anyway, eat, to die, we all die together.”
I love Paiyan, the goddess of love is a chubby little boy who flies and carries a big dirty pocket with toys in it and of course a bow and arrow, this grandson is badass and ready to shoot down anyone’s life. I love to see Paiyan stick out her tongue and say no with her little face, and I love her for that alone.
Once I climbed a tree and saw that the pickle jar in her yard had forgotten to cover it, and the cabbage under the windowsill had forgotten to cover it, and she stood alone in front of the window, tiny, with big sad eyes and a pair of tightly braided pigtails, which were two secrets that no one knew, waiting for someone to unlock the mystery of first love. Wind and rain, the green silk does not grow old. Swallow, ah swallow, the mysterious swallow.
Once the veil of mystery is lifted it loses its mystery, its beauty. Finally once I climbed a tree and saw her going to the toilet, of course it was the open air kind, she slowly took off her pants, my eyes lit up, thief bright, her ass was very white, white dazzling, she squatted down to take a shit, it seemed to make a sound, but unfortunately I was far away and couldn’t hear it, I only saw that the shit was both thin and yellow, like mustard oil. There was a wild rabbit jumping in my chest, in fact, there was a deer jumping in her heart, she had already seen me, that night I lost semen, in the dream, there was a bubble of urine as if it had been held for many thousands of years, suffocating my little tummy raw pain. In the dream I couldn’t scream or I would wake up, there was no green tent, no birch forest, no place for me to pee.
It was on that night that Park Yin had her period, and she and I both looked at our panties in disbelief, two maps of different colors, each guiding the awakening of a sexual awareness that lives forever in the depths of our souls.
Since then I no longer climbed the tree, Park Yan but developed a bad habit of squinting, she met me in the alley, the small face to send me three words: “shameless”. I want to say “you have a birthmark on the buttocks”, but I did not say, only blew a loud whistle, life in the world, sometimes bored, sometimes lonely, sometimes eating, sometimes sitting, sometimes shitting, sometimes sleeping, sometimes happy, sometimes stupid, sometimes masturbating, sometimes worry, everything is sometimes, I saw the ass of the Park Yan is also destined to happen.
The sky has to rain, the trees have to sprout, the children in the hutongs have to grow up, two years have passed. During these two years, some of my trivialities, a few eyes, certain fragmented words, all in the eyes of Bo Yan became the most powerful evidence she suspected that I was in love with her, and there was a flame burning in her heart.
It was a hot summer that year, and the robins on the old elm trees in the hutongs were chirping distractingly. There was a beer bottle on my window sill, and the candle sticking out of it was so soft that it was bent over, so I came back from school and left it behind. After a downpour, the empty bottle was filled with a soggy moonflower, which must have been dried by Bo Yan, who had a moonflower tree in her yard.
The feelings of a young girl are simple, fragile, and as subtle as the cascading buds of a moonflower, and I stood in the room for a long time looking at that moonflower.
I wrote her a love letter, now I only remember the phrase “broken heart”, I was very excited, anxious, walking around the room, and then I was thick skinned no longer find that silly feeling, the girl is really strange, I look at her ass she still like me, every young girl has a cloud-like heart. Her mind will fly, there is a little bird in her body, the little bird of Park Yan blindly looked at me.
Park Yan wrote back, after the evening study hall, she knocked on my window, knocked three times after handing me a note and ran away, and now I can still recall that gradually distant footsteps. I unfolded the note the moment the whole body’s blood vessels to explode, a burst of heart pain, inexplicably trembling all over the body, which reads: “tomorrow night at twelve o’clock in the hutong see”.
Geez! Hutong, I’m here to kowtow to you.
I put the note under my pillow and lay down on my bed, the note seemed to emit a fragrance, like a thousand flowers opening under the pillow. This warmth makes me close my eyes, however, I can not sleep, open my eyes again and again to look at the moonlight outside the window, the next day is Saturday, after school in the morning, I and Liangzi, Feng Xiaogang sitting on the roadside benches to see the street, at that time the popularity of the streets of silk tops, is as if in the kind to give others to say that I wore a bra, and then the popularity of stirrups pants, afraid that others do not know how fat and big their buttocks.
“Bo Yan this girl really slut.” Liangzi said, Feng Xiaogang suggested that I night to do her, I said: “up on the dry look rogue.” Feng Xiaogang said: “Bitch a bare teeth, male dog up afraid, what rogue! Besides, you are not a good bird.”
From a tape store came Yang Yu Ying’s song: “Don’t ask me how many stars there are…” I sang loudly with Liangzi and Feng Xiaogang: “I’ll tell you many, many…” I said: “Bo Yan has freckles on her face. “Look at Yang Yuying, she looks like a fairy.” Liangzi said, “There aren’t many girls like Yang Yuying in the world, and even if there were, there wouldn’t be any left for us, so let’s make do with what we’ve got.”
“Well, they’re all called dogs.” Feng Xiaogang looked up to the sky and sighed, much like a warrior tired of the jungle.
The years of watching street scenes are over and I miss those times.
Park Yan’s mother set up a fruit stall in front of the hospital, weighing things when the scale thallium is drooping, that day the street as sparse as the teeth of an 80-year-old woman, business is dismal, every passer-by, Park Yan’s mother has to ask, “want oranges do not,” “bananas do not”, and the mother of a broken dress ran over and said: “Mom, I want a new dress. Wearing a torn skirt, Bo Yan ran over and said, “Mom, I want a new skirt.” Her mother coaxed her, saying, “I’ll buy you one tomorrow.” She didn’t agree, and cried and fussed, and was slapped twice.
At midnight, the moonlight in the hutong was like water, I stood under the acacia tree and heard the wooden door of Bo Yan’s house open with a creak, and she ran towards me like a little bird in a new dress.
“Pretty?” She asked smiling as she stopped in front of me. She was wearing a pale yellow strappy dress with little blue stars embroidered on the neckline and cuffs, her eyes were a little swollen from crying, but they were big and bright. She did as the adults do and spread her braids over her shoulders, I said, “Swallow, you should brush your hair.” Her cone-like eyes pierced me a bit: “Do you care!”
A cricket between the grass at the foot of the wall chirped, and then this one under the locust tree chirped, and for some reason my heart beat faster, she raised her face, and the moonlight made her flirtatious, and I hugged her very suddenly and brutally, and she couldn’t turn around in time. Love is just a box, packed with carnal desire, then I have more or less a trace of lust in my heart.
She pouted and struggled with very little effort, and I wondered where her strength to move the split wood had gone at this point. She quieted down, biting her lip as she looked up at the blue Milky Way in the night sky, then sighed and closed her eyes, with long lashes, as she listened to my heartbeat and felt my request. I gulped and she said, “No…” but I had already kissed her trembling rose petals, kissed doubt, kissed rejection, and the purest shyness was blooming.
That first kiss was really like the moonlight as gentle, but unfortunately a little leek flavor, she ate dumplings at noon, and I do not feel. My heart seemed to jump out, she raised her face with a kind of jade luster, freckles disappeared, I gradually blurred in front of my eyes, suddenly darkened, dazzled, the earth is spinning, and then I know that this feeling will not have a second time in my life.
Her hair blew in the wind and brushed against my face, I wanted to sneeze, I smelled the fragrance of her ear, my mind cleared up, but I had an instant erection, it was so hard, I grew up at that moment. I hugged her tightly, “I just want to pee…” but she blushed and pushed me away, “You’re a bad boy.” I hugged her again, but she was so scared that she broke away with the same strength she used to carry firewood and ran away. After a few steps she suddenly stopped and looked back at me with a provocative look, and she spat out her tongue and said, “You rascal.”
Since then she doesn’t talk to me anymore. She thinks I’m dangerous, but I’m dangerous too. Since then, when I’m lonely, when I’m walking, when I’m watching TV alone, when I peel an orange, when I masturbate, I hear her say “rascal”.
That night, I masturbated for the first time, I came home to lie on the bed and pull out the lights, I was not sleepy. In this life I want to thank my right and left hands, it is not a teacher, but know how to be considerate, rounds of humility, who is tired, who first rest, my teenage years there are two women: one is my left hand, the other is my right hand, it is both the same beautiful, the same health. Masturbation is just a gesture, this gesture like a new altar has an old metaphor, everyone can understand, everyone is also for this reason to keep quiet.
The Chinese nation has obviously masturbated for thousands of years, but they are hiding their shame, the first to cover their lower body with leaves is civilized, the first to correctly understand the idea of masturbation is also civilized, don’t blush, not to mention politely, everyone has masturbated to varying degrees, just as everyone has violated the law to varying degrees.
Yet masturbation is a dangerous game, a secret pleasure, and masturbation takes you to the dirtiest place in your soul. There is a girl bound with twine there, a girl who may be Bak Yen, who may be struggling, screaming, and the more she screams the more she sinks in, and I can be as abusive as I want, because that she exists only in my fantasies.
Sexual fantasies are often accompanied by a sense of crime, my mouth grows a beard, the heart also born of lust, puberty unknowingly came, puberty is over once youth is over, just as the sky is black everything is black. I fantasized about tying up Bo Yan, and the scenery in my diary was gloomy and sinister in those days.
In the blink of an eye graduated from junior high school, Bo Yan took the city’s nursing school, only summer and winter vacations to come back; I went to high school, Liang son of the military went to Qinghai, Feng Xiaogang to stay at home. I don’t know why I’m in a trance all day, every unhappy heart in the world like every unhappy grass, lonely, lost, as if abandoned.
I often skipped school and sat on the curb with Feng Xiaogang to watch the street scene, or went to the pool room to play ball, after the ball missed we both said loudly “fuck”. Feng Xiaogang and I had a discussion about life, and Feng Xiaogang said that he was just himself, so what did he have to do with other people’s lives? Feng Xiaogang said he wanted to make a lot of money, what can’t he do with money, but he did manual labor in the workshop of an auto body shop. His workshop was full of machines roaring and dusty, and the walls were covered with obscene poems, one of which – “Masturbate!” I’ll never forget it.
My dad this asshole is a project manager of the construction company, my mom this slut is a nurse in the county hospital, I think of the boulevard in the hospital, my mom holding my hand like holding a puppy, the air has a strong smell of sycamore flowers, my mom’s white coat is dusty and not leakage, mine is a little wrinkled. My dad and my mom fight a lot, over trivial things, and we often make trivial mistakes in life.
There was a night when the power went out, the yard was hot, mosquitoes were flying, I was eating dinner with my mom in the yard, dad came back from work and brought back a kitten, mom chewed a piece of meat and fed it to him and he wouldn’t eat it, so I carried him to the alley to play. I took it into the alley and played with it. Bo Yan called it “Mimi”, Liang Zi called it “Xiao Hei”, and Feng Xiaogang said it looked like a silly egg, but I said it was my cat, and I declared it “Piqiu”.
When I got home I found my mom and dad in bed early, they stayed in the dark living room, I heard low gasps and I smiled as I hugged my kitten. I was actually a kind child, and that night was the only night I remember feeling happy.
It was my birthday, and then mom and dad had a fight, and the plates broke, and the teacups broke, and I hung the cat on a chair in my own room with tears in my eyes. I think my masturbation may have something to do with mom and dad’s fight, or maybe it doesn’t matter, no one can find the reason, there is always something unexplainable in the depths of human nature, people are born with sex.
My sophomore year of high school I was expelled from school, I like to go to the movies alone, after the show I had an overwhelming feeling of desolation. Alone back home, I almost every night dream, dreaming that I sat on the school swing kicking the ground snow, dreaming of rose bushes buried under a piece of broken paper with the name of Bo Yan written on it, dreaming that I and Bo Yan, Liangzi in the alleyway mouth piled up a snow golem, and then shouted “123” together with punches and kicks to it.
At this time in the chaotic footsteps of a woman into my life, my mom has stomach cancer, cut half of the stomach after the bed, every night pain rolled all over the bed. My father is very busy with business and seldom come home, so he found a nanny to take care of my mom, the nanny is called Ru Yue, eight years older than me, she is very beautiful and poor, wearing a wrinkled red dress all day long. I had the evil thought that she was sexy, and the kind of sexy that wears a red dress, and I scorned her with the condescension of a teenager, looking down on her name, her profession, her body.
Ruyue was a country bumpkin, spoke in the dirt, and Feng Xiaogang called her Eleven Sisters. It was impossible for me to fall in love with her, but I wanted to occupy her and her body with fear. I am no longer a virgin because I have masturbated, but I have yet to taste the forbidden fruit, which must be wonderful. Masturbation and degradation are two sisters, their mother is called emptiness, I am very empty, idle soul wandering, in addition to the streets will be idle, in order to watch the World Cup soccer matches I waited until midnight every day.
At midnight I stood alone in the garden, the nightshade under the wall will be lonely from dusk to dawn, I knocked down the nearest flower, some grass looked morose in the night, some shadows looked fresh in the night.
The kitchen was lit, Kisaragi was cooking for my mom, my mom was a night owl, sleeping during the day and awake at night, I crept over and wrenched the windowsill hard to look in, voyeurism makes for a split personality, my heart was beating hard but I had a crime like thrill, what was I hoping to see?
Kisaragi was stir-frying, her slim waist tied with an apron, her neck was beautiful, she looked down to turn off the gas, a strand of her hair hung down and I saw her breasts, the little thing in my pants immediately hardened and I fantasized about how smooth and soft it would be to caress those breasts. She was so close to me, just a wall away, she must have been able to hear my odd gasps.
“Yao Yuan you scared me to death, why are you still awake?” Ru Yue saw me, a little shocked asked then smiled. I walked to the door and said : “I have to watch the world cup.” My voice trembled as if I had lied.
“You like to watch soccer?” She asked, and I said, “Yes, I like a lot of things.” “Then what are they?” She asked carelessly, and I said, “Ice skating, listening to rock and roll, and watching scary movies. What do you like?”
She glanced at me and saw the bulging part between my pants, she frowned and served the tomatoes and eggs from the pan on a plate: “I like scrambled eggs with tomatoes.” My face reddened with shame.
Later I committed the crime of hooliganism to the juvenile detention center, after I was released from prison I have been a man, man color can be, but can not lose the original color, this is the result of my hard thinking in prison. I went back to my room, the living room TV on the Italy and France ball game has begun, I lie on the bed staring at the rotating ceiling fan, I unzipped, so that the flagpole erected in the red dust, which is the embodiment of primitive power, hard, hot, and angry, desperately want to pierce the soft what. It’s so ugly and so rebellious, so evil and so great, it’s hard and immovable more than all contemplation and all eloquence.
Fantasies make it grow a little, all kinds of nasty images in my mind fragmented to piece together a supremely lascivious space, hands climbed like snakes to caress, urgent and excited, unable to restrain. –The referee blew his whistle–this was supposed to be a mise-en-scène, in which youth ventured, with no one to guide it. I shivered at last, an intense pleasure erupting like lava, raging and powerful. — All applauded — I was in a weak sweat and quickly quieted down, my body tired but comfortable. Is masturbation right or wrong? Maybe there’s no right or wrong until it’s over. –The goal was scored and booed –.
I went to wash my hands, Ruyue was mopping the floor in the living room, the neckline of her dress was low, I saw her breasts again, if she didn’t have breasts, if she was wearing a shirt and buttoned up tightly, I think my life is going to change, people’s destiny often depends on small things, such as a wall, two brushes, three or four words, six or seven glances, and so on.
“What kind of disease did you… mom… have?” She asked.
“Stomach cancer. She’s also on drugs, leaking her addiction, and won’t live for days.” My eyes lit up. Ruyue suddenly realized, glared at me and stood up to go to the bathroom to shuffle the mop, I also followed in, slowly washing her hands and drying them, Ruyue was very uneasy and said: “You go out, I want to take a shower.”
The bathroom lights went out, the TV no longer on the program, a “rustle” sound, I stood outside the door and did not move, such as the moon feeling I dare not disturb all this, but the stupidity of the evil in my heart can be described as a beast of desire in the embryonic form, instantly can be grown. The water was rushing in the bathroom and it only took a match to illuminate the naked body of the woman inside, she would have screamed, she was safe because she locked the door tightly, but she left me gasping and suffocating outside the door, conflicted and fighting with the beast inside, the beast with a hideous grin and claws so hard and strong that it could tear skirts and rip off panties, it could defy morality and ignore the law, I wanted to rape her.
I went inside and took two yellow video disks and put them in a prominent place in the living room and put a match on them and I went to bed satisfied.
The next day I woke up close to noon, and the first thing I did when I got up was to see if the matches were still on that movie disk. –The matches fell on the floor, so I smiled grimly, thinking that Ruyue must have seen it, and that the obscene content must have gotten to her.
At noon, my dad came back and left, telling Ruyue not to forget to give my mom an injection, temperature, blood pressure, he deliberately let my mom hear, in fact, he hoped that my mom will die soon. The whole afternoon I began to work hard, surveying the terrain for sex, the living room certainly not, my room is too close to my mother’s room, Ruyue’s room has an axe even more so, a sycamore tree in the yard under the grass, I looked at it, my heart is boiling.
The night came, on that night I was finished, sooner or later I would fall into my own hands. It was midnight again, darkness was the dress of sin, I lay in bed, brewing courage, I clung to my pillow as if I were wrapping my arms around her delicate waist, and by the time the fantasies unfolded in my mind like dark clouds, I no longer hesitated.
My mom sat on the bed with her hair spread out, her face blue, her hands gripping the bed sheet, she was still conscious, and said breathlessly to Ruyue: “It’s coming again, quickly tie me up.” Ruyue know my mother’s addiction and stomach pain will soon attack quickly look for rope, but can not find, she remembered the yard to dry the clothes of the one, when she crossed her feet under the sycamore tree to untie the rope, two cold hands from behind her tightly embraced her.
I was so excited that I was a little dizzy, the woman in my arms screamed, “Oh my God!” I heard a voice gasp, “Don’t move, please, don’t move!” Kisaragi finally broke free and looked on in horror, and I didn’t know what to say or laugh, or remain silent. I suddenly took off my pants, the prick hard, veins exposed, Kisaragi spit out her tongue and squinted at the eyes, her face is crooked.
She tried to run, but her legs were weak and I held her again, I was not going to let go of this opportunity easily, I dropped her to the ground, rolling and tangling, she began to bellow and curse me: “Little brute!” If the other person was a man older than her she might have begged for mercy, I still held her tightly, her skirt was crumpled. When I forcefully kissed her neck, I smelled a strong scent of hair, and I couldn’t help but press my lower body against hers, and even though it was through her skirt, I ejaculated, and a wave of numbness made my body tremble.
— There was a sudden, trailing scream from the room as my mom cut her own aorta, unable to cope with the pain of her drug addiction and stomach cancer attack.
(*Source: Yifan Public Library.)