Chapter 23
Lan Yu is alive! He has a life of his own! All my fears, worries, and concerns over the past two years have been redundant! I don’t have to suffer the condemnation of my conscience anymore, and I can resume my old debauched life again.
He’s changed, he’s not the same as the Ranyu I used to know, he no longer looks at me with melancholy, fascination, or admiration. He observes me cautiously and with a touch of cynicism. He had long since stopped belonging to me!
I’m holding his business card in my hand, which says ‘Yamato’ Construction and Building Materials Company, Business Representative, Lan Yu. What can I do? Do I need to find him again? I thought so, but my hand unconsciously picked up the phone. Less than a minute after I paged him, the phone rang.
“Who paged 2345566, please?” he said.
He’s been calling this phone in my office for over four years and now he’s actually asking me who paged him! My eyes reddened. I feel aggrieved.
“Me! Chen deferred east!” I also said indifferently
“Something wrong?” He asked
“It’s okay! …” I said.
“…I’m at work, if you have something to do let’s find a place to talk.”
“┅┅”
“Why don’t you come over to my place tonight?” He said, his voice as flat as ever.
“Okay!” I put the phone down and swore to myself that this was the last time I’d look for him.
I knocked on Ranu’s door as the sun was setting. Again, like last time, I sat awkwardly as he politely entertained me.
┅┅
“Have you eaten?” He asked
“Eat.” I saw a plate of leftover raw cucumber still sitting on the table
“You live here alone?” I asked. I was no longer nervous or excited, I just wanted to get it over with and leave as soon as possible.
“No!” He was as honest as ever!
I smiled: “I won’t be coming back, I just wanted to see how you were doing… I’ve been looking for you everywhere for over a year, afraid that something might have happened to you… humph!” I smiled to myself again, “I’ve wronged you in the past! I can’t make it up to you, even if I owe you for the rest of my life… I’m divorced… If you need me for anything… I mean anything other than money, you can come to me…” He had his head half-lowered, his eyes expressionless.
“Take care!!!” I said in a heavy tone with my eyes fixed on him before getting up and heading for the door.
As my reached for the doorknob, I felt a tight grip on my skeleton and I turned to look at him, we stood so close I could feel his breath and smell his scent. It’s been two years, and that’s the moment I’ve been dreaming of. However, he didn’t look directly at me, his eyes looking over my shoulder… I couldn’t control it any longer, and as soon as I wrapped my arms tightly around him, I tried with all my might to encrust him into my body. He wrapped his arms around me in the same way. He didn’t make a sound, but I could feel the dampness where his face was pressed against my shoulder… He started to cry audibly, still in a subdued way, but very hard, and bit my shoulder… He hadn’t even done that when we broke up… Why? ！！！！
I don’t know how long it took, but I wiped the tears from my face and tried to let go of him and look at him, but he held on to me and wouldn’t let go… After a long time again, he let go of me as well, and the tears were no longer on his face, and his two eyes were red like a rabbit. I looked at his eyes, his nose, his lips, I put my mouth on them, his lips were so dry, I stuck out my tongue and licked them for him. He stood motionless, letting me lick… I stopped and watched his face, he gazed at me, I didn’t know if it was pain or happiness! I closed my eyes sadly and continued kissing his jaw, neck…
I helped him remove his undershirt, and his tanned, smooth skin was finally in front of me, and I stroked it, rubbing my face against it… I knelt down, and slowly unbuckled his pants… I raised my head and watched him again as he stood there, looking down at me with a bit of a condescending air. His gaze was contemptuous and cold, like looking at a waiter serving him. My pride was greatly hurt, but the insult aroused my masochistic desires. Good! Let me be a whore today, I’ll pay him back what I owe him. I sucked his cock and he closed his eyes and started enjoying it. My mouth went numb and so did my brain as I waited for his orgasm… He ejaculated, getting cum all over my body and even on my face. I went to the bathroom, wiped up the semen, and came out, saying, “I’m leaving.” He was putting on his pants, and when I said that, he froze.
“Why?” He asked with a puzzled look on his face
I leaned against the door and looked at him, I smiled : “I told you, you can come to me if you need anything!”
He looked at me, his eyes filled with tears once again, he hugged me fiercely and kissed me lifelessly on my face… I could barely stand up from his kisses, and sat helplessly on the cold floor, and he went down on his knees in response, continuing to kiss me and undressing me… He pulled me up off the floor, dragged me to my room, and slowly pressed me down onto the bed…
At the moment of orgasm, I was already spinning, and I couldn’t help but cry out, “Don’t leave me! Don’t leave me! I beg you! …”
┅┅
We lay helplessly on the bed, my eyes closed, as if we were in a calm sea, swaying with the water… A wave came crashing down on us, and we were swept into the rough water again… until we were pushed to the tip of the wave… and then it calmed down again… and again and again…
I sat in my office, thinking back to last night’s scene. I picked up the phone and called Lan Yu, I asked him if he wanted me to pick him up tonight, he hesitated for a moment and said he had something to do tonight. I asked what it was, and he paused for half a second and said ∶
“I’ve got “friends” coming!”
I didn’t say anything and hung up…
Chapter 24
For a week I didn’t contact Lan Yu, I waited and waited for him to call me, but I gradually realized that he wouldn’t take the initiative to come to me. After another two weeks, I CALLED him again, I told him I was going to buy him dinner, he said he was buying, we argued for a while, and finally he said that if I didn’t mind, we’d go to his house to eat, and I agreed.
Upon entering his house, I saw quite a lot of cooked food on the dining table, it seemed that his cooking skills hadn’t changed much. We exchanged greetings, he continued to prepare something in the kitchen, I came to the room, I saw a desk piled up a lot of books, mostly TOEFL, GRE materials, another table set up a TV, next to the TV put a Walkman and a tape, it is the English song tape: ‘Classic Romantic Love Song’. Lan Yu doesn’t like English songs, so this must be a gift from his “friend”.
We started to eat, and he looked at me as I picked up a piece of his fried green pepper and asked, “Is it good?”
“It’s too hard to eat!” I laugh.
“Don’t eat it! Spit it out!” He laughed back.
We ate in silence for a long time, and he said.
“You didn’t laugh at me the other day! I don’t know what’s wrong with me, being so worthless!” He was probably talking about him crying.
“I’m just as unproductive!” I laughed.
We were all speechless again.
At night, we began to make love, and it was only then that I felt I really had him. We had lived together for over four years, and in bed we could say that we were very much in sync and in sync. We both knew what the other wanted and how to do it, and did it with more passion and commitment than ever before.
Beijing in August is still not cool, his cabin is even more stifling. After finishing, Lan Yu brought a bottle of cold beer and handed it to me, he leaned on the bed, holding the beer, his eyes staring at the TV. It was an American cop movie, and there was a lot of fighting going on. Lan Yu like historical themes of war movies or fighting things, I said he vulgar, he laughed at me instead of sour.
“How long have you been with that Japanese company?” I asked him.
“About a year!” His eyes were still on the TV.
“Why did you leave ‘City Nine’?” I asked knowingly
“Wouldn’t a foreign company be better!” He didn’t want to say anything to me.
“Because of that fax, right?” I asked after a moment’s pause.
“How do you know?” He took his eyes off the TV and looked at me warily.
“I went there to look for you and I was terrified that something would happen to you!”
“Hmph! How could it be!” He laughed bitterly, his eyes fixed on the TV again.
“Why didn’t you come to me?” I asked
“What’s the point of looking for you, that unit won’t last anyway.” He said in a flat voice.
“At least I can help you find another job!”
“…” He looked like he was watching TV, but I knew his mind wasn’t on that.
“Where did you go after that?” I ask again.
“Blundering around! I won’t starve anyway! Don’t talk about that!” He rasped impatiently.
He frowned slightly, a pained expression on his face. As I watched, my heart felt pain. There was silence again, and I spoke first.
“That’s what my wife did!”
He looked at me in surprise: “How fucking dark! That’s the bitch you got!” He cursed.
I have nothing to say.
He calmed down: “It’s all in the past, as long as you didn’t do it.”
“You think I wrote it?” I asked him out loud, “I’ve been looking for every corner and nook and cranny in Beijing, and I’ve been so fucking desperate! I was afraid that you…” I couldn’t go on.
“It’s not that big of a deal, some things feel horrible at the time, bite the bullet and get over it.” He said calmly with his gaze still on the TV.
“Actually, the fax thing was far less desperate than our breakup for me.” He said as he turned his face and looked at me.
Those melancholic eyes, which I used to be so familiar with and enamored of, which had aroused my desire countless times, but now, they were like a knife plunged into my heart. I looked at him, his hair in front was wet on his forehead due to the frenzy of lovemaking, his dark eyes gazed at me, his lips were tightly closed… I kissed him, slipping my tongue into his mouth, licking it up and down gently, and he responded… We didn’t make love, we just kept kissing like that…
Early in the morning, he got up very early, he said he could never be late for work at that Japanese company. I went out of the building with him, and I wanted to ask him if he wanted me to drive him, but I didn’t dare to ask. He hurried towards the station. Before he left, he told me that he would contact me. He must have implied that I shouldn’t look for him so easily, I didn’t care, I promised, he could come to me if he needed anything.
When I’m with Ranu, I feel close to him, especially when we’re having wild sex, and I know that that person is Ranu, he hasn’t changed. But more often than not I felt like we were far away. For the first time, I was in the throes of that unrequited love that I was sure was wishful thinking. I tried to work my way out of it and befriended other men, even women. But Ranyu was like a drug, a drug I desperately wanted when I couldn’t get it, a drug I enjoyed with the pleasure of falling into a cloud, and an infinite pain when I was sober.
We only maintain a sexual relationship, I never ask about his life, he is indifferent to me, and we don’t even say a word about the past. We only talk about sex, not love. At first, Lan Yu long to find me once, but gradually become more and more frequent, why? Was I more attractive to him than other men? … I went to pick him up from ‘Sky Talk’ that day, and on the way there, I suggested that we go to ‘Scandinavia’, as I really wasn’t used to his spartan house.
“Let’s go ‘Nordic’ today?” I asked.
“I’m not going!” He flatly refused.
“That’s your house.” “I don’t want it!”
“You hate me that much!” I said helplessly.
“I don’t hate you.”
“Then why don’t you want it?”
“Hmph,” he sneered, “you bought my innocence for a thousand dollars, and you want to sell my feelings with a pile of houses?”
“…” I was so angry that my hands started shaking, I pulled over to the side of the road and slammed on the brakes: “Get off!!!” I said.
Without a moment’s hesitation, he turned and got out of the car, heading in the opposite direction.
Chapter 25
It didn’t take long for us to get along. I think Ranu was right, it’s better not to talk about anything but sex between us! I had a feeling we were going to break up for real, for good, for good.
Once I was calling a friend at his place and I needed to write down a phone number, I asked Lan Yu where the pen was and he said it was in the drawer. I opened the drawer and rummaged around. I didn’t see the pen, but a few photos, most of them of a boy who looked a lot like the one I saw in the car that evening. He wasn’t handsome, but he was decent and clean-cut, wearing glasses and with a strong sense of bookishness. There was only one picture of them together, two dashing boys sitting on two boulders, smiling naturally, but my heart was in knots.
One Saturday afternoon, Ranyu asked me to come over to his place. He usually rarely asked me out on weekends, and I said self-deprecatingly that I was his Tuesday lover. I told him I had an important dinner meeting in the evening and had to go. He asked me where it was and I told him it was at ‘Imitation Cuisine’.
After the party, it was already past 10:00 p.m. I was so drunk that I barely made it to the car and was about to pull the door open.
“Chen deferred east.” It was Lan Yu calling me.
I was surprised to see him standing across the street from the car.
“Why are you here?” I thought strangely.
“I’ve been waiting for you for half a day!” He laughed and said…
It was the end of October, it was cold, and Lan Yu stood outside waiting for me for two or three hours. What did he mean? Doesn’t he not like me anymore? What’s his game?
I told the driver to go back on his own and we came to ‘Celebration’ together, I asked him why he was waiting for me and he said he had nothing to do anyway. Sunday morning we curled up under the covers, his cabin gave very little heating.
I hugged him and held him against my chest.
┅┅
“I want us to be like we used to be! I don’t have any other ‘people’, just the two of us.” I’m going to make a last ditch effort.
He was that silent again, lying in my arms.
“You give me a chance, give us a chance, my feelings for you… have increased, I mean it!” I was telling the truth.
“You’re not really… how can you take it seriously?” He said.
“I am! I have no feelings for women right now!” I affirmed.
“You don’t feel it now, maybe later! Besides you have an old mother, a career.” He said flatly.
“…” What could I say?
“I have friends who are nice to me and we have a good relationship. I’m already so sorry to him, I can’t hurt him anymore.” He suddenly whispered.
Ranyu, who lay in my arms like this, told me he was going to be good to another man. I hate!
“He’s the only person you’ve known in the last two years?” I said as I let go of him and lay flat on my back.
“Hmph! Quite a few of them, and most of them come up and fuck, for fuck’s sake!” He laughed.
“How did you guys meet?” I asked.
“At ‘UW’, I sat in a chair in the ‘silo’ all day that day, and I knew someone was paying attention to me. It wasn’t until late in the day that he came up to me and asked me if I was out of love and handed me cigarettes.”
“You guys are alumni?”
“No. But we talk a lot and he gives me a lot of…” he too lay flat on his back, his eyes on the ceiling.
“In the past, when I was with you, no matter how scared I was, I wasn’t afraid of anything when I thought of you. After we separated, we realized that it was too difficult for people like us…” He said. He added, “I hated you for getting married at the time, but now I understand that it’s good to be like you, to be able to live with both men and women.” He continued to talk.
“You can get married too if you want.” I said.
“I won’t!” He said firmly.
I don’t want to talk to him anymore, I don’t want to hear him talk about how good that man is, I touch his body, I look at his charming face, this beautiful big boy, let me have a wild time with him!
I laid him flat on the bed, brought my tie from the table, we smiled at each other, and I lifted both of his arms up, and tied his hands with the tie to the iron frame at the end of the bed, which I had seen in a ‘porno’ movie. Lan Yu looked at me with surprise and excitement, and I stared into his eyes: “Be good! Otherwise, I’m not polite!” I said.
He looked at me with a smile.
I grabbed a pillowcase and blindfolded him, then started kissing him. I kissed with no grace at all, like a beast gnawing at its prey. Not only did I kiss him but I bit him, and I watched in pain and excitement as I left teeth marks on him. I came up to his prick and swallowed it in one gulp as if I had seen something delicious, I sucked greedily and I felt immensely happy. But my eyes were watering… His dick couldn’t take it in my mouth any longer… His hands were gripping the bed frame…
I removed the cloth from his eyes and he looked at me excitedly, he must have seen the tears in my eyes, he was a little surprised, but he soon joined me in…
“Turn around!” I ordered.
He turned on his side, and the tie around his hand had already been loosened, but he was still holding onto the bed frame… I held him, and slowly pushed my penis in…
I had an orgasm, but it was a painful one. I wrapped my arms around his body and I cried, “I can’t stand being like this! Let’s get married! If I can marry someone else, why not you?
…I don’t want anything! What do you want from me? You name it! Whatever I can do! …what the fuck male or female, I’ll give love to this person! I’m a pervert, a rascal, but I’m in love with someone!” I cried like a madman…
Lan Yu’s body trembled in my arms: “I don’t want anything! I want you!” I heard him crying…
When we stepped out of the room and onto the street, we were like two ordinary friends, even further away than that, as if nothing had happened between us…
Chapter 26
Since the beginning of spring that year, I had a premonition that some calamity would befall me, and nothing went well. Mom and I had another long talk all night long, she wanted me to get married right away, repeatedly told me about the dangers of not getting married, she talked about her life, my father, told me how hard life is. She advised me not to be capricious and reckless, but to take responsibility for my own life. I listened in amazement, having never realized that my high school graduate mom was a philosopher.
One day, I found my little sister looking at me with disdain, and later my mom said that Lin Jingping had told them about me long ago. I was no longer a dignified big brother.
Business is also in a bad shape, the president of ‘Knowing’ has been arrested, and he is my biggest money maker.
I was more afraid of getting involved in the case than I was of doing anything rash, and I waited to see how things would develop.
I started to think calmly about my relationship with Ranu, no matter what, I was ten years older than him and had passed my prime. I couldn’t afford to get caught up in my feelings like a teenager. I wasn’t sure what Ranu really needed from me, I just wanted to give him everything I could. I don’t care what he does or who he hangs out with anymore. I just cherish every minute we’re together.
One day in March, I was summoned by Ranyu and we made love and small talk.
We talked about things that weren’t real, about the soul, the afterlife, etc.
“Would you like to towel to me again in your next life?” I asked him again the question that had been bothering me.
“No!” He replied simply.
“That means you regret it?” I laughed.
“I have no regrets in this life, and I will never live like this in my next.” He said. I couldn’t understand.
┅┅
“DUH, DUH…” his cell phone rang again. He looked at it, still ignoring it. He was reading a profile of some school.
“Ugh! I’m definitely not going to ‘MIT’ in my lifetime!” He said. He had told me that it was a famous engineering college.
“Let your son go in the future.”
“Where did I get a son?” He said, looking at me with a smile.
His CALLER rings again. I handed him my cell phone.
“I’d better go back downstairs.” A little embarrassed, he turned to go out the door.
He came back full of excitement.
“What’s so good that you’re so happy?” I didn’t want to ask, but I couldn’t help it.
“He got an offer, twenty-four thousand dollars a year, fantastic!” I could tell he was happy for him.
“What twenty-four thousand?” I don’t get it.
“The full prize ah! That’s enough! He’s definitely walking into it this year!” He spoke with the demeanor of a brat.
I finally realized that he was talking about his friend who was going to study abroad: “Why go out when you’re so old?
“I’m not going to be sarcastic,” I said.
“He’s only twenty-eight! Not as old as you!” He grinned, a smug look that I hated.
“Then you’ll have to work harder to get it right and go together this year.” I didn’t take it personally.
“How easy is it to talk about? Buildings are so hard to get in touch with. A whole bunch of acceptances, but no money.” He said looking glum.
He thought for a moment and then said, “Maybe I should take the GRE again… I’m almost at 2,000…” he said to himself.
That night he became silent again; he must have been sad that he would be temporarily separated from his friend.
In April, I was notified of a full investigation into my company’s accounts because of the involvement in the ‘Know Your Business’ case. I was in an unprecedented crisis.
I seldom came home, afraid to face the eyes of my mom, who had seldom smiled lately, and who was probably desperate for me.
Ranu approached me twice a week and I started avoiding or refusing. Besides, I was busy with another thing.
That day, after I had sex with Lan Yu, I asked him.
“Where’s that original passport of yours?”
“I have it here.” He looks at me strangely.
“It’s probably expired, so give me your passport and I’ll get you a new one in a week, and a new reason to leave the country.” I said getting out of bed and opening the envelope I brought with me.
“This is a guarantee from domestic and American banks, don’t you have an acceptance letter, just take this visa.” Lan Yu listened in amazement, but I spoke plainly.
“It’s hard to get a visa for this kind of thing.” He’s pretty good at it.
“Don’t worry, I have a friend, she specializes in official visas for the ‘Ministry of Economic Affairs’, she is very familiar with the Chinese secretaries in the embassy, and she is on good terms with the two visa officers, so when the passports come down, she will take you there.”
“Will it work?” He would be skeptical.
“No problem, you can figure it out when you get to the US. I’ve saved you fifty thousand dollars, so if you’re desperate, borrow it first and pay me back later.” I said.
“…” He didn’t say anything.
I think he must have been quite moved.
After a while, he looked at me and laughed, very easily, but with mockery: “In fact, you really do not need to be like this. I can see that you are tired of avoiding me. Again to send me to the United States.” He laughed even harder: “You’d better keep that money for yourself, I’ll be able to contact out sooner or later.” He finished and started to get up and get dressed.
I didn’t say a word, I also got dressed, and when I was dressed, I took my things and handed him a business card 🙂
“Lan Yu, this is that person’s business card, when your passport comes down, call her and ask for her, I made a deal with her, she will definitely help you. This is an opportunity, don’t you want to meet up with your lover in America! If you don’t want to do it, burn these materials in a fire and throw them in the trash can.” I looked at him derisively as well.
He looked at me quietly.
“Don’t look for me in the future, there are plenty of guys better than me in bed.” I said.
He was blushing hard, melancholy once more on his face.
“We’ve known each other since day one and you think I’m a money word to you. We’ve been fighting over this since the very first time, and you feel humiliated? But I feel even more humiliated… All I’m paying is a few stinking dollars?
Hmph!” I laughed to myself.
He lowered his head and didn’t say a word.
“I’m not staying here tonight, you’re too cold here. I got bored a long time ago!” I said walking to the door. “Aren’t you going to see me off?!” I asked as I opened the door.
He stood there: “You can’t walk by yourself?”
He’s right, I’m supposed to go on my own.
┅┅
We should be completely broken up this time. I’m not very painful, only feel the heart was broken has been numb, I think at first blue Yu is the same feeling it. Later, Lan Yu phone to find me twice, he said he wanted to buy me a drink, I said I was very busy, but also want to quit drinking. Well, there is not much time for me to appreciate the pain of this love, a month later I was arrested.
I don’t want to talk too much about that case, except that on the day of my arrest, a couple of plainclothes men came into my office, they showed me the arrest warrant and asked me to sign it, and I put my hands out and was handcuffed by them. I am a timid person, but that day I was unusually calm. I had sensed the seriousness of the situation long before this, and I made a lot of efforts, but I realized that at this point all my friends were no longer friends, and I could understand that.
There were many accusations against me, including bribery, involvement in smuggling, illegal collection of funds… I was accused of all sorts of things… Everyone did that, but I didn’t have enough backing, and I wasn’t ruthless enough. After so many years in the business world, I realized for the first time that I was naive and bookish.
Chapter 27
I was put in the ‘precinct’ and my task was to write an account. At first, it seemed as if the situation was horrible and that I might be sentenced to death. I began to remember my life, I had done a lot of bad things, and I sort of deserved it. But I was unbalanced by the fact that so many people were more evil than me, yet they lived better than anyone else.
At that time the only people in my mind were my old mother and Lan Yu, especially my old mother, what would my death mean to her? I wasn’t very attached to Lan Yu, I just felt sorry for him, he was the only love of my life, but he didn’t understand and he never told me he loved me. I no longer think about whether I’m a homosexual or a heterosexual, it’s too insignificant in the face of death, the only thing worth cherishing is the emotion gained and given.
Soon I realized that things had taken a turn for the worse, and my lawyer told me that the case was likely to drag on for a long time because of a power struggle “from above”. I was just a small fish in a fire. At first I couldn’t see anyone, except that useless lawyer. Then I met Liu Zheng.
In the office of the pre-trial division, Liu Zheng and I had a chance to meet alone, for which they must have broken a lot of bank. Liu Zheng told me a lot of news, that all my personal and company name assets were frozen. The investigation was continuing and the company was basically shut down. The senior staff are all looking for other jobs, and it looks like the tree is falling and the monkeys are scattering. He is trying to do everything he can to get me out of jail.
“Is my mom okay?” After talking about the case, I asked Liu Zheng.
“It’s okay! Don’t you worry.”
“Please! Buddy! See more of her for me.” I was overwhelmed to think that I couldn’t fulfill my mom’s most basic request to me, and now I had to ask her to face her son who was behind bars.
“Don’t worry! Deodong, your mom is my mom, just like my own mom. I visit her or call her almost every day now… No matter what happens to you, I am her own son, and I will see her through…”
My eyes reddened: “Thanks!” I said.
Friend, this is my real friend. Lan Yu taught me that.
“By the way, here’s a note from Lan Yu asking me to bring it to you.” Liu Zheng said and took out a note from his pocket.
That is Lan Yu’s handwriting: deferred east, everyone is trying to do something for you, you must have confidence. You can certainly come out, I will wait for you, no matter how long. You owe me a lifetime, you said the words, can not repent, I’ll wait! Take care of yourself! Yu!
I couldn’t stop crying as I looked at the word “Woo”. We never used that nickname between us, but I knew what he meant…
“How does he know about me?” I asked Liu Zheng.
“He called for you, in a special hurry. He came with me today, and because he and Guo Ti (the examiner) had agreed that I would be the only one to see you, he waited outside.”
“You tell him to get out of the country quickly! I’m done with him!” I said.
Liu Zheng didn’t answer, he added: “Xiao Lin also called to ask about you! She is also quite worried about you, asked if there is a need to help!”
“Don’t mention her!” It was hard on my heart.
“That woman’s heart is a little darker, but she’s not bad to you.” Liu Zheng forever defended Lin Jingping.
┅┅
It was a very difficult three months, and life in prison was predictable. There was no trial, no legal process whatsoever, I was just locked in. The arraigning officer and the person in charge of the investigation at the Detective Branch treated me okay, especially in the later stages, and were almost friends. Finally one day I was told I could get out of jail. What an inexplicable arrest and release for no reason.
Walking out of the door of the ‘precinct’ with Liu Zheng and the lawyer, I saw Lan Yu standing far away from the car, looking particularly dark and thin, perhaps because of the summer that had passed. As we gazed, he scrutinized me as if to see what was missing from me. We didn’t say a word, but Ranwu’s eyes were fixed on my face at all times. Lan Yu and I sat in the back of the car while Liu Zheng drove. I looked out the window, I was free again, I was alive and back in this familiar city… Suddenly, I felt a gentle touch on my hand, it was Lan Yu, he hesitantly put his hand on mine, I looked at him, his gaze was firm and persistent, his bright eyes were full of love, I tightly slurped his hand, the two men’s hands, gripping each other so hard, it felt raw and painful to me, and must have felt painful to him too, but neither one of us But neither of us let go… instead, we gripped even harder… Liu Zheng drove the car to my house, and Lan Yu said he would wait for us in the car. Before Liu Zheng and I walked in, my mother was waiting at the door, and when I reached her, she grabbed my shoulders with both hands and said, “Ah!”
I cried out in pain, and I supported her, trying to calm myself.
“It’s okay! Mom, what are you doing? What are you doing? Everything’s fine!” I choked on my voice.
My mom cried even more…
My sisters and Liu Zheng are up to persuade, mom at least sort of stopped crying. At home, I watched my mom gradually smiled, began to think of the car in the blue Yu. How helpless, I only thought of two people at the moment of life and death, but can not at the same time by my side. I lied to my mom there are still some important things to go to the company to deal with, and then came out with Liu Zheng.
“How did you get out so fast? Is our mom feeling better?” Lan Yu asked with concern.
“Okay! She’ll just see me.” I said with a smile.
“Where are you going? I’ll give you guys a ride.” Liu Zheng asked.
“Are you guys hungry? Why don’t we go eat? My treat.” Lan Yu proposed.
“It’s still my treat, it’s kind of a celebration of Defender East’s safe return.” Liu Zheng said.
“I want to take a shower first, and I don’t want to eat out either!” I loathed going to restaurants, even though I hadn’t seen grease in months.
“How about going to my house?” Liu Zheng suggested.
We decided to go to Liu Zheng’s house. It was a men’s party, and the room was soon filled with the smell of alcohol and heavy smoke, accompanied by occasional curses. The first one to get drunk was me, Liu Zheng was also a little dizzy, Lan Yu drank very little that day, he looked quite happy, listening to Liu Zheng and I cursed the injustice of the world.
“Liu Zheng! I want to honor you! I want to repay you! We’re friends in need, I must repay you!
“I use the strength of alcohol to say what is in my heart. In order to help me out, Liu Zheng will all of their own three hundred thousand deposits are hitched out, this is considered to be for the friends of both sides of the knife.
“Don’t mention this, as long as you can come out, it wasn’t a waste of time.” Liu Zheng said and toasted with me.
I turned my face and looked at Ranyu, who listened to our ramblings without a word of interest.
“Thanks to that note, I couldn’t have stayed in that shithole!”
He smiled indifferently: “Drink!” With that, he raised his glass to me… The case finally came to an end. The charges against me were dropped due to lack of evidence, but the company was fined a large sum of money and the rest of its assets were returned due to many financial problems, such as tax evasion. I was very satisfied with the result. Although I was greatly hurt, I could still make a comeback.
It was a robbery in my life, I got away with it, but I also learned a lot from it, it changed my philosophy of life and I started to live a more peaceful and natural life.
Chapter 28
At Rangwoo’s cabin, I lay in his arms as he scrutinized me and kissed me from time to time: “Have I changed much this time?” I pointed to my appearance after my release from prison.
“Not much, just thin.”
“I thought you’d forgotten about me!” I said.
“I was afraid that you wouldn’t be able to think straight. I remember when I received the fax, all the leaders of the company talked to me, and the Security Section asked me to write materials and details… I was really worried about you.” He wasn’t very good at expressing himself, but I understood!
I rolled over and wrapped him in my arms, observing him carefully, he was really different from when I first met him, with that extra maturity between his eyebrows. He used to look at me with uneasiness and suspicion, but now he looks at me with confidence and openness. He is slightly thinner than when we met. Does being with me make him miserable?
I lowered my head and pressed my moist lips to his eyebrows, eyes, nose, and then slowly slid down to his lips, licking him delicately, and he responded by sticking out his tongue. I lowered my head deeper and we kissed passionately… I raised my head to look at him, my hand gently caressing through his hair: “Tell me, why did you write only the word ‘Woo’ on the note you gave me?” I asked.
He laughed and didn’t answer.
“You want me to pay your debt, how do you propose to do that?”
“You’re on your own!” He laughed.
I looked at him, why didn’t he tell me he loved me, all I could do was feel. But it was enough, it thrilled me more than a thousand sweet words.
“I want you! Unless I die, we’ll always be like this, okay?” I asked as my eyes locked onto his.
He smiled that easy smile again, “What if we get old?” He asked.
“Unless you think I’m old!” I said.
He was still laughing. I was hopelessly disappointed that he was laughing.
He must have observed my frustrated expression as he came over and kissed me, once again, “You’re a drug, you know you can’t towel, you’ll ruin my life, but you still towel again.” He said with a smile.
Days! It’s amazing how we coincidentally see each other as drugs. I didn’t say anything.
“So what are you going to do when you leak back into your addiction?” I asked him, also pretending to be relaxed.
“Wait for the next detox!” He said, “I don’t understand.
“When are you going to get clean again?” I guess he implied that I was going to eventually break up.
“Wait until you get married again, or find someone else again.” He said, still smiling, relaxed and unconcerned!
I looked at his smile and listened to his words, and the feeling was indescribable. He didn’t trust me at all, and yet he was with me without any hesitation…
“Are you still going out this year?” I’m going to change the subject and ask him about going abroad.
“Long gone!”
“He’s gone?” I asked.
“Uh-huh.”
“Then won’t you break it off?”
“…” He didn’t answer.
“He must know quite a bit about us?” I asked.
“He doesn’t know a thing about it. I never told him about it.” I was too surprised to understand.
“I haven’t told anyone about us.” He added.
“Why?”
“I don’t want anyone else to share.”
┅┅
All I could do was sit there looking at him in silence.
We’ve known each other for over seven years and I knew he was very affectionate, but I didn’t expect him to be this infatuated by any means!
That night, we made love to our heart’s content, Ranu was so excited that he was crazy about the joy of sex. I was excited too, but did it carefully, afraid that he would dissolve in my arms. I stayed up almost all night afterward, and he kept falling asleep in my arms, he slept so deeply. I thought about my life, my career, my mother, about the days and nights in prison, and I swore to myself that unless Ranu got tired of this life, I would always be by his side.
Early in the morning, when the sun rises in the east, we start to go about our business again, I drop Lan Yu off at the flat and then go back to the office to clean up that mess of mine. It was as if I was back to the start-up phase, grueling but fulfilling. I’ve long since retired my long-term private room in the restaurant, and I’ve also sold my houses in the ‘Temporary Village’ and the ‘Sports Village’, as I need to turn around my capital. Except for the occasional trip back to my mom’s place, I lived almost every day in ‘Celebration’, the hut of Lan Yu. I jokingly called it an escape to his place after falling into ruin.
He was very busy at work, and that Japanese boss was particularly harsh. He always told me that these foreign bosses were too black, and that he wanted to be Hitler and kill all the little Japanese. I said he was an extreme nationalist, and he was right. But he was doing a great job, and the other day he happily told me that his boss had given him a raise, so we went to the restaurant and I slaughtered him hard.
Lan Yu never talks about the past, let alone the future; he doesn’t believe in the future. We are very happy now. That day, I waited far away from the entrance of his company, a pretty girl walked out with him, they were talking and laughing. When Ranyu got into my car, I laughed and teased him.
“You’re good! Hooking up with such a pretty girl!”
“She’s the one who keeps bugging me.” He was quite smug. I can imagine.
“Why don’t you just go with the flow and get it on?”
He looked at me quizzically, then glanced at me contemptuously, “That’s not hurting people!”
I realized I was talking out of turn: “Just kidding! I thought you liked that girl!” I had to give myself a break.
“I won’t! I’m not getting married in my life! I can’t understand why most of us end up choosing to get married, it doesn’t make sense and it’s immoral.” He said.
“Hmph!” I laughed dryly.
Chapter 29
I stayed at Lan Yu’s place, and except for eating out, most of my expenses were covered by him. We both avoided talking about money. It was a knot in Lan Yu’s heart, as well as mine. I often think that if we hadn’t met so strangely, we would have been happier.
One day Bluu told me that the landlord didn’t want to rent him this room next year.
“Is he trying to raise the price?” I asked.
“I asked and he said it’s because the homeowner might come back next year.”
“Then rent another place.” I said.
“Extra hard to rent!”
I thought about it, and cautiously tried to ask, “Why don’t we go back to ‘Scandinavia’ and stay there?”
He didn’t say anything and went on to make his egg fried rice.
I handed him the salt, keeping an eye on his expression; he was definitely upset.
“Never mind, if you really don’t like that house, I’ll sell it, just as I’m in particular need of funds.”
He still didn’t answer.
“Do you agree?” I asked.
He turned off the gas and looked at me with a smile.
“I’ve sold it!” He said easily.
I was too surprised to speak.
“I thought you said you’d give it to me? And you’re backing out again?” He seemed to be intentionally teasing me.
“Who did you sell it to? How did you sell it? How much?”
“A Shenzhen real estate guy, three hundred and eighty thousand dollars.” He said observing me.
“┅┅”
“Isn’t that what you told me, if you don’t like it, buy it off, I’ll do as you say” he smiled suavely.
I smiled back stiffly, “You love me that much?”
“That’s right!” He still laughed, while a hand slipped into my blouse and I couldn’t help but wince.
I didn’t ask him what he did with the money, what arrangements he made.
┅┅
I don’t know whether to be happy or worried about this unexpected news.
Money! Jingping had said that I took money too seriously. Indeed, since I knew that Lan Yu had accepted that fortune, I felt that we were equal, that I didn’t need to be as careful with him as I had been in the past, and that I no longer felt guilty.
Sunday morning, when I was still asleep, I felt someone touching me non-stop, especially on my prick repeatedly rubbing, “This stinky Lan Yu, nasty!” I laughed and cursed in my heart, still pretending to be asleep to see what he would do. He lifted my quilt, licking on my body, and then like a careful study of my body, even in my lower body to look closely, I really can not help but want to laugh, shouted: “What are you doing?” He was startled, and then jumped into my arms.
“I’ve never studied you properly!” He chuckled.
“What do you take me for a drawing! And need to study it that much?” I laugh back.
“Ha! I was wondering why we’re usually about the same size, but when the time comes you’re a little bigger than mine” he laughed even more and pressed himself against me.
“Usually mine is big!”
“No!”
“Take a ruler if you don’t believe me!” I said.
He did go to look for a ruler, and when he saw my “guy,” he said.
“You damn well can’t count this one, it’s not even normal!” He laughed.
I looked at him and jerked up and hugged him: “Let me measure you!” I said.
“With what amount?” He asked.
“Measure with your mouth!” I said. He smiled, so sweet and endearing.
I started sucking his cock, I was mesmerized, I was so enamored with him I couldn’t help myself. I stopped and reached down and cupped his jaws hard.
“Love me or not?!” I asked him tautly.
He must have been uncomfortable with my squeezing, frowning at first, looking at me, and slowly becoming agitated under my gaze as he nodded his head vigorously.
“Say it! Let me hear it!” I demanded gruffly as I released my grip on his hand.
“…” He looked at me but didn’t say a word.
“I love you! I really love you!!!” I cupped his chin hard again and uttered my heartfelt confession.
He breaks away from me and laughs.
Fuckin’ hell! I hate his laugh. Since our reunion, I can’t figure out how much he feels for me.
He always smiled so indifferently… I lowered my head and violently gagged him with my mouth… Why should I force him to talk? It’s not like he liked to lie. We kissed, tossing and turning furiously on the bed… When we’d kissed enough, I sucked him off again… The moment he was about to ejaculate, he called my name, but I still sucked him off greedily… He climaxed, and when I felt a torrent of hot liquid go down my throat, I rushed to get out of the way…
Lan Yu looked at me in surprise: “How did you eat it?”
“What’s in that? It’s nutritious, so try some.” I said, wiping the remaining parts of his body and sending them straight to his mouth.
He laughed and tried to avoid it, but he couldn’t, so I smeared it all over his mouth, and he frowned and tasted it: “Like milk… with fish soup?” He said.
We laughed at each other, then jumped out of bed and scrambled towards the toilet… Chapter 30
It was a breezy weekend, and Ranu offered to go outside to play, but I was a little sleepy, but I went out with him anyway. He was driving and we were going to find a place where no one was hanging out.
“Spirit!” He said looking at me who was yawning.
“Don’t you know I’m getting old? Sing a song to lift my spirits!”
“What’s the song?” He thought…
“Our procession to the sun, our feet on the motherland’s earth…” he began to sing happily.
“Carrying the hopes of the nation, we are an invincible force…” I sang happily with him.
“Forward, forward, forward, our ranks to the sun, to the victory of the revolution, to the liberation of the whole country!!!” We sang loudly, joyfully and recklessly… and then laughed.
We came to a hill west of Beijing that was secluded enough that no one would bother us.
Lanyu was lying on my lap, looking up at the sky.
“It seems like the sky is bluer in Beijing than where we are.” He said.
“The sky in America is much bluer than this,” I said.
“The moon is also fuller in America than here, isn’t it?” He laughed at me.
“Weren’t you the one crying to get out?” I laughed at him too.
“Who’s crying about it? I was compelled to.” He chuckled.
“You’re not going out?” I asked.
“Unless you come with me. We’ll go together, okay?” He looked at me seriously.
“What if I don’t go?”
“Forget it then! Beijing is fine!” He said indifferently.
I heard something.
“Looks like someone’s coming, get up.” I said hastily pushing him up.
He is still lying in my arms: “Look at your fear! What’s wrong with that? Let’s go! He can’t beat me!
“I’m sorry,” he smiled cockily.
“What if there were two?” I asked.
“Aren’t you still there?”
“What if there were three?” I asked again.
“That’s not necessarily a match for the two of us!”
“What if it’s a lot of people?” I asked him again.
“Hmph! The big deal is to fight to the death!”
“Row! Worthy of being a ‘UW’ student, crazy enough!” I smiled and looked down at him, and he smiled back.
I admired him; he had a courage that I could never possess. In his face, I saw more than just a young man’s handsomeness; there was a youthful, soul-capturing power.
I gazed at him, he sat up and gazed at me too, and once again I swept him fiercely into my arms, and we embraced tightly… I closed my eyes and kissed him, and his moist lips were pressed against my face, and we kissed, as fervently as two lovers who have met for the first time… It was the second time that we had embraced and kissed outside, and all that accompanied us was the bright sunshine and the stillness of the mountains.
┅┅
Beijing in the golden fall is cool, dry, the sky is particularly blue. Leaves have long been scattered on the ground, covering the bare pavement, but it looks full, full.
Early in the morning, the warm sun shone into our hut, making up for the lack of heating that made it feel cold. Rangyu and I were both up late, I had an important appointment I was afraid to miss, and Rangyu was a man who didn’t like to be late, so we got up in a hurry, washed up, and then went our separate ways. On the way out, Lan Yu smiled and asked me to kiss him, I kissed him perfunctorily. I asked if I wanted to send him, he said he took a taxi well, we agreed that I will pick him up at night.
I caught up with that negotiation, and the result is very good, I will make a big profit. I Chen deferred east will completely turn over, that is just around the corner.
At noon, I was happy to come back from the ‘building’, as soon as I entered the door was pulled into the office by Liu Zheng, he looked nervous, heavy::…
“You sit down!” He said pressing me down on the couch.
“What for?” I thought he was weird.
“Deodong… you have to be prepared…” he said with difficulty.
“What’s wrong?” I asked loudly and nervously if it was my mom… “¡°Lan Yu has been in a car accident!”
“…” I opened my mouth, not understanding what he was saying.
“The cab he was traveling in collided with a truck… on the spot… just now a call came in from the traffic department…”
“…” I was already in tears, but I just didn’t know what to say.
“Defendon! Is it alright?!” I vaguely heard Liu Zheng’s distant voice.
┅┅
I fell like a cloud, light and senseless. In a trance, I followed Liu Zheng to some kind of hospital, and in a trance, I followed Liu Zheng and another man in a white coat into a room full of beds covered with white sheets… They stopped in front of one of the beds and opened the white sheet…
I saw it, it was a man’s face, it was covered in blood and I laughed! I knew it was Ranyu, wasn’t he right here! I leaned down and wrapped my arms tightly around his shoulders, I knew them so well, they were his arms, only today they were extra stiff and cold…
I looked at him with his most familiar gaze. I couldn’t see the bright eyes, the straight nose, the charming lips… there was only a blur of black blood… what was there? I knew it was him, I didn’t have to look. … I grabbed him with all my strength!
“Ah! Ah…” I made a sound in my throat like a person struggling to be strangled. I felt someone pulling me hard and saying, “Deok Dong, calm down.” Get out! All of you living and dead people are watching! I no longer need to cover up, hide, I want to guard his side! You can sing your love in public, embrace your lover and kiss, can’t I even grieve for my dead lover? I looked at his chest, that broad chest that I had kissed and caressed countless times… It was as if someone was pulling me harder again, get lost! Are you laughing at me? Laugh! I can’t just leave my lover, I have to hold him, he must need me! I have to hold him so hard that he’ll melt in my hands… He’s not dead! He’ll probably wake up in a while, and he’s said for me to pick him up tonight! That’s right! He asked me to kiss him in the morning, he rarely did that, he must have been hinting at something… but I kissed him so inattentively… why was I so stupid! I moved up to his face, and I wanted to fill that bloody mess with that kiss…
I was finally pulled up by a huge force, further and further away from him… I was not willing to do it! But there was nothing I could do, nothing I could do…
┅┅
Chapter 31
Beijing’s autumn is no longer my favorite season, it is so cold and sluggish, the cold autumn wind will blow everything out of existence.
When I walked into ‘Celebration’s’ hut again, it was so intimate and so scary. The glass of water he had left on the table that morning still had water in it. I didn’t dare to take the cup… I went into the room… His things were all over the room, nothing was missing, but why hadn’t their owner come back? The comforter on the bed was folded. I told him not to fold it, there was no time, but he said he couldn’t stand my mess… I picked up the bed with the clothes he’d changed into, which didn’t have his warmth on them, but still smelled of his body odor. I sat down on the bed, burying my head deep in my clothes, and I cried… I finally cried out loud, really cried out… The room echoed with the heartbreaking cries of a man… I couldn’t stay at Khenga, let alone go back to my mom’s house, and stayed in the office. For the following week, I was in a trance and lost a lot of weight, accompanied by hallucinations, always feeling that Lan Yu was calling me. I felt every moment that Lan Yu would appear in front of me, and I often turned back suddenly to see if there was any miracle. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
That day, I was forcibly called home by my mom, as soon as I entered the house, I said hello to her and rushed to my room, I didn’t want her to see me lost in thought. I was half asleep on my bed, I don’t know how long it took, I heard the door of the house being opened, my mom came in and sat on the edge of my bed, I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep. I felt my mother’s hand on my arm, rubbing my arm up and down as she had done when I was a child.
“Xiaodong! I know you’re sad in your heart, but people can’t come back from the dead.” I heard my mom crying and my tears welled up once again, but I didn’t make a sound.
“I know about you guys, Liu Zheng told me all about it, and if that kid doesn’t die, I won’t object to you guys being together.” She continued.
More tears came to my eyes: “It’s too late for you,” I said in my heart… Two weeks later, at Liu Zheng’s prompting, I called Ranwu’s father, and when I told him the sad news, I heard an old man on the other end of the line crying bitterly…
A few days later, Lan Yu’s father called me.
┅┅
“Didn’t he leave anything behind?” The pale voice asked.
“No, because it was an accidental car accident, it was so sudden, there were no last words.”
“Ah… no relics?” He asked.
“Some clothes, books, whatever you want, I’ll send it to you.” I think he wants Ran-woo’s relics as a souvenir.
“Oh…” he said as if he had something to say.
It dawned on me that he probably wanted money. It occurred to me that Lan Yu should have had a fortune, three hundred and eighty thousand dollars, but I found no documents among his belongings, except for a current passbook of a few thousand dollars.
I inadvertently asked Liu Zheng: “You know that Lan Yu sold the ‘Nordic’ house, right?” I asked.
“Know…” his voice sounded heavy.
“That lackluster father of his is still thinking about the money he left behind! I don’t know where he put it.”
Liu Zheng looked at me in surprise: “He didn’t tell you?”
“Say what?”
“That money was used when you were in prison at the time!” Liu Zheng said.
“Why didn’t you tell me?!” I asked in surprise.
“Ranyu wouldn’t let me, said he’d tell you and surprise you.”
“┅┅”
“When you just went in, we were all anxious, Lan Yu every day asked me if there is no news of you, we all thought you have been given to shoot it, and then our mom finally found ‘Li’, but the fucking opening of ten million dollars!”
“I thought you said a million dollars?” I asked.
“That’s what Ranu said, I never said it was a million dollars.”
“But where can I get the money? I have more than 300,000 here, the old lady has more than 600,000, and I can’t borrow from anyone, not even Aidong and Jingdong (my two sisters) told me they didn’t have any money, and Lin Jingping said she was just trying to help, but when I really asked her for money, she said she couldn’t… It’s no wonder that she couldn’t come up with the money… who doesn’t know that the money could be just a drop in the bucket? Lan Yu couldn’t do anything about it. He said he’d never felt that money was so important in his life. Then he remembered the villa in Scandinavia, which was in his name and could be sold. I bought it in a week, and it was only 380,000 dollars with the furniture and the car… but I couldn’t think of anything else at the time…” Liu Zheng added.
“To be honest, I used to look down on him, but I admire him for this, even if he’s a friend, he’s righteous enough! If it’s that kind of relationship, that’s enough to know and understand. It’s me who got into this mess, my wife wouldn’t necessarily be able to be that anxious and play hard to get.”
“Then why did he hide it from me?” I asked with tear-filled eyes in disbelief.
“He said he was trying to play a joke on you, and I thought he or the old lady had told you.”
“And my mom knows?”
“Of course! When I went to your house the other day, Lan Yu was waiting for me outside, and the old lady made a point of looking at him from the window there for half a day.”
┅┅
coda
Three years later, I moved to Canada and bought a house in ‘West Vancouver’. I married again. I didn’t have the same courage as Lan Yu to face my homosexuality, and the door to my feelings had been completely closed. I couldn’t love my young wife, but I did my best to be considerate and take care of her.
I was initiated into the Church, a Christian. When I was baptized, I doubted that God would accept me, a homosexual, as His Lamb. Now that I am one of His people, I often pray to God: Lord! Please hear my prayer as a sinful man who has fallen in love with someone, who has caused me so much pain, and who has died and I can never make amends. I pray to You, O merciful Lord, to accept him into the kingdom of heaven. When he was on earth he never hurt anyone, he was so kind and upright. The only thing he did was something he shouldn’t have done: he fell in love with someone he shouldn’t have loved, and had a relationship that was seen as ridiculous, shameless, and depraved in this world, but it was pure, innocent, and eternal.
Father! I have one more request that I ask You to grant me. Wherever You send that boy, let me be with him when I leave this earth. If he is in heaven, let us rejoice there to our heart’s content, and go on to tell of our earthly love, and let me make up for what I owe him; if he is in hell, let me go there too, and let me approach him and stand behind him, with my arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders and pressed against his spine, and let us go on to bear the tortures of hell and the torments of the fires together, and I shall have no regrets.
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen!
The weather in Vancouver is so nice. It’s also late fall, but it’s not half as bleak as fall; most of the leaves are still green, and there are only a few golden yellow leaves scattered on the green lawn. I was sitting in my front yard, listening to the giggles of my mother, wife and young daughter behind me. When I raised my eyes, a sliver of sunset appeared at the end of the sky, and in the chrysanthemum-red sunlight, I vaguely saw Lan Yu slowly walking towards me, looking at me melancholically, then smiling softly, smiling in such a natural, serene and brilliant way… -End-