Beijing Stories (2)

Chapter XII

One weekend in October, Lan Yu and I went swimming at the indoor pool of the ‘Maze’. That place is usually only visited by rich people from China, unlike the major hotels, where there are foreigners around, making me feel uncomfortable.

Lanyu didn’t know how to swim, he said most people in the Northwest don’t, but now he’s a great swimmer and I’m his coach. I sat in a chair on the bank and sipped my drink as I watched him move through the water.

“Hey! Defender East, what’s going on?” Cai Ming laughed and rushed over to me, followed by a guy, I recognize him, called Wang Yonghong, only in his early twenties, but already bad out of the side.

“Ugh! Take a break and rest, it’s been too busy for a while!” I replied.

“What are you busy with? I’m busy getting laid! Look at that, all alone here hiding out!” They said and sat down.

“Not as much as you!” I also laughed and scolded him: “What’s good about it?” I guess they might have something for me.

“I’m looking for you.” Wang Yonghong said : “I have a batch of steel, do you want it, the price is absolutely good.”

Must have been smuggled in armed, I think.

“I’d like to, but how can I get it? The Yankees haven’t paid for that last shipment yet, it’s all pressed up!” I coped with the situation carelessly. This man is a real shrewd, he relies on a heavenly grandfather, the army of the old man, and rich brother, no evil do. I had very little dealings with him.

As we were talking, Ranu had come ashore, rubbing his wet hair before shaking it off again and heading my way. His natural sun-colored skin looked oily with water. He saw that I was talking to a stranger and smiled at me, heading for another table.

I realized that Wang Yonghong was staring blankly at Lan Yu, and when he smiled at me, he asked, “Who is this? Why haven’t I seen it before?”

“I brought it for fun.”

“Newly hung? You’re a lucky boy!” He said looking at me quite surprised.

“That’s all there is to it!” I said with disdain. I didn’t realize that this jerk had any friends.

After a while, Lan Yu went back into the water. Wang Yonghong no longer had the heart to chat with me, and while I was talking to Cai Ming, he got up and walked over to the pool.

“Is Yonghong ‘good’ at this too?” I asked Cai Ming as I watched Wang Yonghong and Lan Yu strike up a conversation.

“Also ‘good’? That’s all he plays. Can be addictive! Don’t you know?”

I smiled sarcastically and didn’t say anything.

“He said himself that he’s got a problem in that area.” Cai Ming chuckled.

In the massage room, I asked Rang-woo.

“Who were you talking to in the pool earlier?”

“It’s not even your friend, and you’re asking me!”

“What did he say?”

“Said he was a friend of yours and asked where I worked.”

“You told him?”

“I said I’m in school!”

“Don’t talk to this kind of person in the future, be more careful, you know what he is! He looks like a man, but he’s a scoundrel!” I said fiercely to Lan Yu.

“What’s wrong with me?” He asked back, very upset.

I’m very upset. I don’t want to get in trouble with that asshole over this. In all conscience, I couldn’t afford to mess with him. Later, I asked Lan Yu if the kid had approached him, but he said no. I was glad it was over.

Lan Yu hardly lives at school now; he says the upper grades are less strict, and several of his classmates don’t live there anymore. He drives to school every day, parks off-campus or in family neighborhoods, and rides his bike to classrooms and dorms.

He said that almost the entire department knew that he had an extraordinarily wealthy brother.

On a Wednesday in November, I came back late because I had to talk about pen business; it was nine o’clock and I was already home, but Lan Yu had not yet returned. In the afternoon, he said he was in the drafting classroom and wanted to be busy until seven o’clock, and came back at eight o’clock, he is usually very punctual. I CALLED him, but there was no reply. The cell phone was off, he must not be in the car. At eleven o’clock, I was a bit panicked. At this time, the phone rings: “you are Chen deferred east? You know a called Lan Yu, right? A man with a strong Beijing accent asked.

“I recognize! What’s wrong?” My heart was in my throat.

“That’s fine, I’ll pull him over to your place, and you pay for his fare and medicine.”

“What happened to him?”

“He was stabbed, robbed. No big deal, just a skeleton shoulder.”

I just can’t fathom how this boy is so much of a worrywart.

I paid the kind driver three hundred dollars, and he was grateful as hell. I helped Lan Yu into the room, he looked ugly and weak.

“It’s pretty safe there at the ‘UW’, how could something like this happen, and it’s only 8 or 9 o’clock? That’s just not possible!” I said in a bad mood.

“I didn’t expect that!” He replied as he lay back on the bed.

“Give him all the money and cars he wants, and it won’t hurt you!”

“┅┅”

“You’re too rich! Those guys could kill you! You know what? Several cab drivers have been killed!”

“Are you done?” He was still impatient.

His left arm was wrapped in gauze and hanging from his chest, and his right hand was full of gauze. He must have fought with the robbers, otherwise how could he have injured his hand.

Looking at his waxen face, I walked over to him and knelt in front of the bed. I grabbed his right arm and asked, “Does it still hurt?”

“It’s okay!” He looked at me, and I looked at him, couldn’t help but kiss him on the cheek, and said gently, “Remember! Money is a ‘son of a bitch’, life is the most important. If you are so angry, you will suffer in the future.” I was like teaching a child a lesson.

“Kiss me again!” He laughed, not listening to me at all… A week later, Lan Yu happily told me that he had been exempted from two classes because of his injury. Looking at him with such a smug look, I felt that this boy, who was ten years younger than me, was too young.

Things in the past two weeks, one day I received a letter, there is only a 100,000 yuan check, from the ‘Huatian’ company, that is Wang Yonghong’s brother, Wang Yongzhuan’s company. In the afternoon, I received a phone call from Wang Yongzhuan, who is more than ten years older than his brother:

┅┅

“Defeat East, you also know Yonghong, so don’t bother with him in general.”

“Look at you, how could I? Besides there’s still our friendship!” I didn’t know what was going on, I just thought it had something to do with Lan Yu.

“Yes! The other one hundred thousand dollars is even for that kid’s shock.” Wang added.

“You’re too kind! I actually didn’t even take it to heart, I know that Yonghong knows the rules.” That was all I could say.

Wang Yongzhuan laughed twice and hung up the phone. Although I do not know the details, but guessed that “bastard” must have fished Lan Yu a lot of times, and finally played a muddy. Probably he saw me two weeks did not move sound, but panic, so moved out his brother to set things right.

I did not ask Lan Yu. Instead, I learned something from Sister Zhang.

┅┅

“You guys are too outrageous to fight over a boy!” Sister Zhang said with surprise very interested.

“No such thing! I don’t even know what happened!”

“Still hiding it from me?”

“I really don’t know! I’m not Yonhon, that boy isn’t my wife, and besides, I don’t have a hobby!”

“Phew! Then, in that case, the boy is ‘in love’ with you and ‘keeping his body’ for nothing.”

Sister Zhang laughed even harder.

“Didn’t Wang Yonghong get it?” I asked.

“Nope! That boy is so powerful! He grabbed Yonghong’s sword and said, “Let him go or kill him!”

“Hmph! That’s fucked up!” I sneered. I had to admit that Lan Yu had more courage than me.

I never mentioned it to Ranwoo because I felt incompetent and I didn’t want him to see it. But I couldn’t guess the reason why Ranwoo didn’t tell.

It was late at night and Ranyu was lying in my arms. Because of his injuries, our sex was limited to me sucking him off, masturbating him and me masturbating myself, he sometimes wanted to suck me off and I held him down and said no, I said I’d wait until he was better and fuck him as hard as I could to take back the damage. He just looked at me and smiled with a look of immense satisfaction.

“Do you believe in eternal affection between people of the same sex?” I asked as I stroked him in my arms.

“I don’t know, I haven’t thought about it.” He didn’t like to theorize and just went with his feelings.

“I believe! Since there can be heterosexuals, there must be homosexuals.”

“You mean us?” He smiled, lifting his eyes upward to look at me.

“I mean myself.” I said.

He laughed and didn’t say anything.

“Do you like me?” It was the first time I’d ever asked the word “companion,” the first time I’d ever been so insecure.

“Sure.” He said softly.

┅┅

“Wang Yonghong approached you, didn’t he? And you lied to me that you encountered a robbery.” After a moment’s pause, I finally asked.

“…” Lan Yu didn’t make a sound.

“He’s quite handsome and generous!” I said this intentionally in a calm tone.

“I’m sick of looking at him! I really didn’t mess with him, he’s the one who’s sick!” Lan Yu’s voice was urgent and broke away from my embrace, looking at me seriously as he said.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked him seriously as well.

“I find this matter particularly disgusting and don’t want you to know about it! …I was also afraid that you would be embarrassed by it.” He didn’t look at me squarely when he said that.

“…” This time it was my turn to be silent. I always thought I knew Ranwu very well, but that wasn’t the case. Although he was reticent and easy-going, he was extremely intelligent and sensitive.

Chapter XIII

I bought the villa in the ‘northern suburbs’, a large house with five bedrooms, two and a half baths, a two-car garage and with a swimming pool. I asked Lan Yu to help in the renovation and design. I didn’t tell him it was our new home.

We were looking around the house together that day, and Bluu told me about many of the places that were his suggestions.

“This friend of yours in America is really rich, he spent hundreds of thousands of dollars just on the renovation!” He said to me.

“Do you feel good?” I asked.

“It’s quite nice! I like the overall structure of it, some Scandinavian architecture.”

“Would you like it if I said it was our house?” I asked, looking at him mysteriously and a little excitedly.

He looked at me, then around the room: “Holy shit! …” He was so shocked he didn’t know what to say…

The first time we made love in our new home was in the bathroom. It was an evening, and Ranu was half lying in the oval bathtub taking a shower, and I was topless, in my pajama pants, looking in the mirror to see if my beard had grown back.

“You look twenty-five at the most.” Ranyu said as he sized me up.

I smiled a little without pride. For this reason I do at least two hours of exercise a day and watch what I eat.

“The guy who’s taking our internship this semester is a new grad student who’s not even thirty yet and has a beer belly.” He continued.

“You’re looking pretty closely, what’s the point?” I squinted at him.

“He was so extraordinarily kind to me!” He said as if he were serious.

I turned my face and glared at him, looking at his arm resting on the side of the tub, slowly moving over and biting down on his arm with a sharp, hard bite. He laughed and looked at me warily, and the moment I moved my mouth, he reacted faster than I did, and his right hand sent a jet of water straight into my face, like a water fight when I was a kid. I was instantly covered in soapy water, and he watched with ha-ha glee. I let go of my bite and jumped into the bathtub, riding on top of him, and grabbed both of his shoulders and started biting on his face and body.

He kept on laughing… after enough biting and laughing, I looked at him: “We can’t get married… but I’ve given you everything I can… do you understand?” I didn’t know how to express myself.

He smiled the same way and nodded.

“Do you regret knowing me?” I asked again. It’s a question I’ve always suspected.

He looked at me with a smile and shook his head : “No regrets!” He said easily.

Let’s hope it’s genuine! I thought.

Impulsively, I began to touch his unusually smooth skin in the water, smelling the distinctive odor of his face. I pressed my mouth to his wet, hot lips… I wrapped my arms around his waist and lifted him up slightly, kissing the part of him that was exposed to the water. I drained all the water from the bathtub and licked his broad shoulders, thick front, flat belly… I licked his prick with my mouth and then put the whole thing in my mouth and sucked on it… “mmmm… mmmm…” He let out a pleasant moan and then masturbated for me… We reached the pinnacle of love once again.

It was one of our most restful, peaceful days. Lan Yu was about to face graduation and had almost no classes. He said he was working on his graduation project and it was profitable. I would go to the office a couple times a week, business was going pretty well, and I was planning to invest in an industry, something I hadn’t been involved in before, and I was very interested.

At that time I even thought that I would stay this good with Lan Yu and that would be the place for my feelings. I never thought about whether the love between two men could be approved by the society, because I had money, I could skillfully avoid and control all this.

I don’t know if it’s possible for two gay men to stay together for life, but I can’t agree with those who say they’re good for no more than a year at the most, because I had a very happy life with a boy for almost four years. Perhaps it was because it was so pleasant and peaceful that the pain crept in… Chapter 14

The Bible says that there are two kinds of sins in human beings, one is the original sin, which was committed by Adam and Eve and brought to us, and the other is the sin that we are tempted to commit later on by Satan, the devil. I used to think that Lin Jingping was the Satan who tempted me. I was wrong. In fact, the devil was myself… My business was going smoothly. A rare opportunity arose for me to try my hand at a career, and that’s when I met Lin Jingping, during a negotiation with an American company. A small American company wanted to make a killing in China, and they approached me.

From the moment the American ghost came in, I noticed the Oriental girl beside him, who I wasn’t sure was Chinese. She was wearing a sapphire-blue colored suit, and her hair was neatly pinned high in the back, falling naturally in long, curly locks. She wore no other hand jewelry, except for two small, square earrings in her ears, also sapphire blue in color, which accentuated her white cheeks. Her face was somewhat Western in shape, long and narrow, very modern. Her features were really beautiful, with a high, slender nose and red, plump lips. Her eyeballs were lighter in color than the average Chinese, showing a distinct brown color, looking like they were covered with a layer of fog. Throughout the conversation, she was not condescending to the American, appearing both serious and responsible, but also elegant and confident. She always spoke with a sweet smile.

“Wow! What a stunner! Gotta nail her!” I thought to myself.

From the beginning, I noticed that she looked at me with soft eyes, but she was generous and never avoided my gaze. On my way out, I gently shook her hand: “I would also like to thank Ms. Lin for making our conversation go smoothly. Your English is very good!” I politely complimented her, but in fact I couldn’t figure out whether her English was good or bad.

Instead of translating to the Yank, she said thank you with a little shyness.

When I got home at night, I told Ranu about it and he just laughed and didn’t say anything.

“Don’t you have any feelings for girls at all?” I asked.

“Women are all a bit fake!” He said.

“You haven’t had any girls chasing you in school in the last four years or so, a handsome guy like you!” I joke at his expense.

“Where we have girls there! There’s a poem too! ‘UW’ girls GOOD, just not good LOOK, to TALK to her, then she only BOOK.”

“Ha! Who said that?” I thought it was funny.

“It’s written on the desk.”

“It’s a good thing I didn’t study science and engineering, engineering colleges like yours are so boring you can’t get laid!”

“You still want to fuck?” Lan Yu asked with a smile

“‘We’re old! It doesn’t matter! Can’t be bothered!” I learned and said in a southern accent and went upstairs.

I heard Ranyu chuckle!

The second time I met Lin Jingping, it was still at my company, but this time it was in my office. Her boss had something to do back home, and there were a few details that she wanted to make sure to talk to me about in person. I was glad to have this opportunity.

She was still wearing a colorful suit, but she had an indescribable elegance. We had a nice conversation. When I looked at her with polite but somewhat “affectionate” eyes, she would lock eyes with me for a few seconds and then calmly avoid me.

“What a rare woman!” I thought to myself.

“To thank Ms. Lin for her help, may I buy you dinner?” I said softly, sounding casual.

She pondered for a moment: “Yes!” She agreed quickly, completely out of my expectation.

┅┅

I had chosen the French restaurant of the ‘Tien Hoa’ hotel. She came on time, and as the automatic doors pulled open in both directions, I was struck by how radiant she was. A simple sleeveless light gray evening dress wrapped tightly around her body and a black bag over her right shoulder echoed the black square earrings. Her hair was up in a coiffure, with a few locks of green silk scattered as if randomly down again. She had a great body! She’s about 5’7″, and she’s a perfect match for me… I’m a bit tempted…

When she came in, almost all the men in the hall, both old and Chinese and foreigners, were looking at her. When I reached out and naturally gently wrapped my hand around her waist and made my way to the dining room, I felt exceptionally excited, proud, and my vanity was fully satisfied, the kind of satisfaction that Lan Yu could never bring me.

Lin Jingping and I talked late that day. She told me that she had graduated from ‘Five Foreign Countries’ four years ago and had been working as a translator, and that this old American company was her third job. Her family was in the south, her father was an organization cadre and her mother was a typist. I watched her elegant dining movements and listened to her soft words. Her generous, frank and natural demeanor made me a bit fascinated by her.

When I got back to ‘Scandinavia’ (the name of my new home with Ranu), it was almost midnight, and Ranu was reading the newspaper, still awake: he hadn’t slept.

“Why don’t you go to bed?” I asked.

“Couldn’t sleep.” He said as he yawned. “How was business?” He was never interested in my business, he just asked casually.

“It’s okay! Go to bed now!” I turned off the light.

Later, Lin Jingping and I went on two more dates, and she was still as sincere and generous as ever, just not halfway across the line. We usually dated in the evening and came back late. With Liu Zheng helping to cope, Lan Yu didn’t notice a thing.

It was a weekend evening, and I had made an appointment through a friend to visit ‘Chen’ at his home, who was a number two in the financial world. In order to feel more natural, I tentatively decided to ask Lin Jingping to go with me, and she readily agreed. That day’s visit could be said to be a great success, and half of the credit goes to Lin. She does have a conquering charm.

“I want to thank you today!” I said as I came out of ‘Chen’s’ house.

“Yeah! How can I thank you?”

“How about dinner first?”

“That doesn’t count! But I’m really kind of hungry?” She smiled sweetly, showing her first girlishly pouty look, which, at least to me at the time, seemed very innocent and cute.

I kissed her in the car that night, I was pretty excited and she was very emotional.

“Defendon!” She called out as she left my lips.

“Hmm?”

“You tell me, do you have a wife?”

I was surprised that she would ask that question. I smiled : “Why do you think so?”

“With a woman’s intuition.”

“I’m single, never married yet, want to see my account book?”

She smiled shyly: “You know what? Defender East, I’m afraid! I’m afraid I’m in too deep, harm myself and harm you!” Few women so actively tell each other her love, especially beautiful women.

It was already a little after midnight when I sent Lin Jingping home, and I drove back to ‘Scandinavia’. When I entered the house, Lan Yu was watching a video, he didn’t greet me.

“Watching TV this late! You’re not going to school tomorrow?” I was intentionally looking for something to say.

“Tomorrow is Sunday.” The tone seemed lazy.

“I’m going to shower and go to bed!” I didn’t want to talk to him much.

“You seem particularly busy lately?” He asked. He was attentive and sensitive.

“It’s all shit, it’s fucking annoying!” I hated his skeptical tone.

“…” He didn’t say anything.

He lay down on the bed first and went to sleep. I came out of the bathroom after showering and turned the bedside lamp on, and Ranyu was sleeping on his back with his head turned sideways. Under the dim light, his thick black eyebrows, straight nose, and sexy lips looked extraordinarily handsome. His facial demeanor was so serene and open, without the slightest trace of artifice. His eyes were closed, and his eyelashes were hanging down… I couldn’t help but move over to him and kiss his eyes and eyelashes… He must not have been asleep yet, but I soon woke him up, and he rolled over onto his back, and I pressed myself against him.

“Sleep!” He teased with mock seriousness.

“No! I want it!!!” I put on a pouty face as well.

“Want? Then you’re still coming home so late, no!”

“I’m busy!” I said petulantly.

We both couldn’t help but laugh, and we loved the interchangeable banter.

“You’re such a cheapskate!” I was still pressed against him.

He looked at me with his eyes: “You didn’t go out and fuck around, did you?”

“So what if I screw! You still don’t want me?” I laughed.

“Only that you don’t want me!” His smile froze, and that melancholy look that mesmerized me came back into his bright eyes.

I don’t know whether I was touched or felt guilty, but my eyes were suddenly watery: “Why not!” I said, as I buried my head in his body and kissed him…

In the next two months, I didn’t call Lin Jingping, but she called me twice. On the phone, her voice sounded very soft and calm. She just asked me if I was okay, and hung up after a couple sentences of small talk. I felt as if my heart had been violently lifted and then gently lowered. Lin Jingping is already twenty-five years old, she is much more mature than Lan Yu, but this is the time when women are the most flavorful.

I finally had sex with Lin Jingping. Before that, I said “no” to myself countless times.

I’m sorry, but that’s for Ranu. There were no moral or legal constraints between us, simply because I didn’t want to be negative to him. Yet I still slept with Lin.

Chapter XV

It was an official, informal reception with many people I knew well, and I asked Lin Jingping to go with me. Needless to say, it was another successful, decent and proud evening. At the end of the reception, Lin Jingping wanted to get some air, and we went out into the streets of the capital, where I put my arm around her waist and untimely showed my love for her, just like a couple in love. No matter how much love I had for her, even if it was just one point, I could show ten points of passion. But between Lan Yu and I, even if I had a full-blown love for her, I couldn’t show half of it. That night I took Lin to ‘Country Brother’. We chatted in the room, and when the waiter brought champagne, we toasted to friendship… Out of a man’s desire for conquest, I decided to fuck her.

We kissed for a long time first, until I got tired of kissing her and I picked her up by the waist. Gently placing her on the bed, I slowly undressed her. Instead of her usual elegant, confident demeanor, she looks at me dutifully, shyly, and tenderly. She lowered her coiled hair and her long, dark, shiny curls fell out on the bed. I couldn’t wait, I grabbed her breasts with both hands and rubbed them to my heart’s content, then lifted her legs up and poked my “dick” in at once. Strangely enough, when I’m fucking a woman, I can always hold out for a long time without letting out. As I watched Lin Jingping having orgasm after orgasm, I was excited and happy…

“Deok-dong! … no! … don’t! Oh! Oh my God!” She cried out in an agitated frenzy, almost crying.

┅┅

I finally reached my climax. But the whole process was far less exciting to me than I had previously thought.

Women must be caressed after intercourse, they can get the ultimate satisfaction. Jing lying flat in my arms, grabbed one of my hands, gently stroking:

“I feel so stupid myself!” She laughed.

“You’re the smartest girl I’ve ever met.” I complimented her.

“That’s the hundredth time you’ve said it to a woman, isn’t it!” She was still laughing.

“Actually, I used to…”

Lin Jingping suddenly turned around and blocked my mouth with her mouth, stopping me from saying any more. She kissed me and then looked at me.

“Defeat East, you don’t have to tell me what you were like in the past, or even now, I don’t care. You only need to know that there is a girl called Lin Jingping love you on the line.” She said and then turned to lie in my arms again, her eyes looking forward: “I don’t want to tell you about your past, or even what you are like now.

“What if one day you don’t like her anymore, you just say to her, “Go away! I’m bored with you. She will certainly go away quietly, though she loves you very much.” She said that, laughing, her face turning red with shame, and she fell headlong into my arms again…

Either way, I can’t help but be impressed by this.

My mind was beginning to wonder about one important thing: whether I should get married. My mother had pushed me many times to do so, especially after my father’s death, and I felt an invisible pressure.

Lin Jingping, this girl from an ordinary citizen’s family in the south, she should be considered suitable to be my wife. Although she comes from a poor background, she is the kind of woman who can make it to the top, and I really need her in my life and career.

What about Rang-woo? Raise him? Maintain the current relationship with him? He may not agree. Dump him? I can’t do that.

It was like a coincidence, but it was inevitable that I met Dr. Steele, a professor of psychiatry with a special interest in homosexuality. He was the first “expert” on homosexuality I’d ever known.

It was also the first time I learned about homosexuality.

After a four-hour conversation, Prof. Shi finally came up with a diagnosis: I am a very normal man with mild homosexual tendencies, as long as I can get out of the relationship with that boy and get married, there will be no problem. The problem was with Lan Yu, whom he suspected of having a maniacal disorder and promised to help me get rid of him by treating him.

I’m going to tell Ran-woo about my “major scientific discovery” and convince him to go to therapy. It’s hard, but I’m going to do it.

Neither Lan Yu nor I could cook, so we ate out. That day, coming back from the restaurant, he talked to me all the way about allocation, he told me about their department’s student affairs office, the faculty section, the class teacher, the target of staying in Beijing, and the design institute he had already interviewed. I listened in an irritable mood, and I told him that I could get him a Beijing account right away.

“Ranyu, have you thought about what we’re going to do in the future?” I started to ask him.

“What do you mean?” He gave me a suspicious look as he drove.

“Don’t you think it’s not normal for two men to be together?”

“┅┅”

“Actually it’s a mental problem. Sometimes people have the illusion that something like you… like us is a ‘gender reversal’.” I parroted the words poorly.

“I read a foreign source, they don’t consider it a disease anymore, it’s just a kind of… I forget the word, it means some people like women, but some people like men, different choices.”

His words were very surprising to me, I had always thought he had never thought about these things: “When did you read it?” I asked.

“I’ve been keeping an eye out for articles on this since the day I met you.”

“Foreign information? Hmph! There’s still ‘porn’ abroad! And sexual liberation!” I retorted.

“That’s a medical report, it’s serious!”

“I think it’s mental.” I couldn’t convince him, but I insisted.

“Ha! You mean we’re both mentally ill?” He laughed hard.

“I didn’t, you did! I’m at least willing to have sex with a woman, where are you?”

“I didn’t try!” He looked bottomless.

“Have you ever liked girls? You don’t even like magazines like ‘PLAYBOY’.”

“┅┅”

“You press yourself as a girl!”

“I didn’t!!!” He retorted gruffly as if insulted. The hand holding the steering wheel shook.

“Drive carefully!” I paused for a moment and then asked, “So why do you like men?”

He didn’t answer and after a while : “I only like you!” He said faintly.

When we got home, neither of us spoke. But I still had to continue that conversation, I told him about that Prof. Shi and asked him to go to therapy.

“I’m not going!” He was adamant.

“You’re going to get married at least once in the future, it’s good for you!”

“I’m not getting married!”

“Not getting married? What about when you’re twenty, thirty, forty now? How are you going to make it in this society?” The more I talked, the more I felt like his parent.

“…” When he didn’t say anything, I continued.

“Besides, don’t you want a child of your own in the future? Men still have the responsibility of passing on their children! You’ll have that pressure when the time comes.”

“I don’t care! No one in our family cares either! What pressure do I have?”

I had forgotten that he was different from me in this respect. I remembered something else: “Didn’t your mom want you to be a decent man? You should try it!”

I must have hit a sore spot with him. After that, he didn’t say anything else, so he agreed. But when he went to bed, he suddenly asked me.

“Are you trying to break up with me?”

“You really are a dog’s ass! That’s what you wanted!” I huffed.

In those days, Lan Yu was very bad-tempered, and although he didn’t say so, I knew he was resenting me for the treatment. He often came back very late, sometimes even staying at school. That day he came back from Dr. Shi’s place, and when he entered the door, he didn’t say a word and went straight upstairs.

“Hey!” I called out to him.

“What did you do today?” I mean the therapy thing.

“Talk, look at pictures, let me think.” He said very impatiently.

“What else?”

“If you’re interested you’ll just have to try it yourself!” He finished and went upstairs into the bedroom.

At night, I have to have sex with him, he masturbates and sucks me off, I’ve already had an orgasm, but he’s not the least bit interested.

In the middle of the night, I was awakened by the sound of his sleep talking and I pushed him and called his name before he quieted down and went back to sleep. He did this for several nights in a row.

He was in a bad mood, even his appetite was bad, he looked more depressed, lethargic and even a little thin. I asked him how he felt about the treatment and he said he didn’t feel anything.

I called Prof. Shi and asked how Ranwu was doing. He told me that Lan Yu was not cooperative at all in his treatment. He said that not only was Lan Yu perverted in terms of his sexual psychology, he was also severely depressed and paranoid.

┅┅

“The first treatment didn’t work well. For the next treatment I think we can try hormone injections, which will help him…” the doctor rattled off

“No way! Can’t do that!” I can’t accept injecting drugs into otherwise healthy people.

“There are some other ways, such as showing him pictures of naked men, or even pictures of you, and then at the same time giving him some stimulation, so that he develops a kind of painful conditioned reflex to these things…”

“What’s the excitement?” I asked.

“Like a mild electric shock…”

“No way! Absolutely not!” I flatly refused.

I don’t know whether Prof. Shi had a strong sense of urgency about the social dangers of homosexuality or whether he was overjoyed at my larger consultation fee, but he insisted on giving me some advice, which I didn’t listen to.

I thought about the professor’s “scientific statement” over and over again. I remember the first time we talked, he asked me if I just wanted to have fun or if I was in love with the boy, and I said I just wanted to have fun. I said I just wanted to have fun, and he said it didn’t matter, that it just meant that I wasn’t serious about my life and wasn’t a straight homosexual. If we follow this logic, I play with those girls is not serious attitude towards life, I fell in love with them to be considered heterosexual, but I have not really loved that woman so far, what do I count?

I thought again about his theory that Ranwoo thinks of himself as a girl. It was true that Ranyu had some womanly attachments to me; he was sensitive, meticulous, and well-behaved. But in other ways, I saw more of his qualities of self-respect, self-reliance, tenacity, and even bravery, which are by no means exclusive to women.

I decided to call Ranyu and tell him to come to my office and that I wanted to play pool in the evening. First he said he was busy and couldn’t get away, then he said he wasn’t feeling well and wanted to sleep at home, but he finally came.

“Where to?” He entered the house and sat his ass down on the couch in my office. Frowning slightly, he asked.

“Where do you want to go?” I asked

“Whatever!” He leaned back lazily into the couch and looked at me.

“Are you going to Prof. Shi’s tomorrow?” I asked

“The appointment is for the day after tomorrow!”

“Not going, okay?” I asked, watching him.

“Why?” He looked at me quizzically.

“No reason, I’ll never go there again! I can’t see you suffer so!”

He looked at me, smiled slowly, and suddenly lurched out of the couch and jumped on top of me, hugging and kissing me desperately.

“Are you fucking crazy? This is in my office!” I lowered my voice and stopped him with a laugh.

┅┅

That was the end of that ridiculous treatment. Lan Yu was back to his original energetic, bright smile.

It seemed as if he was more attached to me than ever before, yet this worried me even more.

Chapter XVI

I went on a temporary business trip to Hong Kong and Hainan, Lin Jingping insisted on going to the airport to see me off.

“Over in Hong Kong, be careful when you go out and drive!” She instructed me softly.

“No problem! I go there all the time!” I told her with a smile.

“I know!” She said and lowered her head, then took out a very delicate locket from her pocket and lifted her eyes to look at me 🙂

“This is a piece of jade, relatively rare, and touched by a high priest, said to have the effect of eliminating disasters and avoiding evil. You take it with you!” She said handing it to me.

It was a very beautiful emerald green rectangular jade stone, with a bit of red in the center, like a heart. On the back, there was a small “Lin” engraved delicately. Whether or not the stone was a blessing, I was touched by Jingping’s intention.

“Thanks!” I looked into her foggy hazel eyes and gave her a tight hug.

When I got to Hong Kong, I went to a jewelry store to get a chain for that jade pendant, and that owner told me that it was a very valuable jadeite stone that could be valued at least at three thousand US dollars. I never gave her any expensive gifts, but she gave me such a jade stone. I remembered Liu Zheng’s comment about Lin Jingping: she was a woman who could not be rejected by men.

Ten days later, I called Lan Yu to tell him I would be back in a week. In fact, I returned to Beijing from Hainan the same day. At the airport, I wore the jade stone and saw Jing Ping waiting outside. She was wearing a white tight tank top with a wide open neckline, with a pair of very short denim shorts, fully exposing her plump breasts, and long, charming legs. But the overall feeling was so youthful and fit.

On the way, I told Lin Jingping that I was going to take her to a hotel, and she asked me if I didn’t have any other place to stay besides the hotel, so we decided to go to the ‘Temporary Village’. Lan Yu and I moved all of our stuff to ‘Scandinavia’ and all that was left here was furniture, appliances and such. I dragged Jingping out for dinner and she said why don’t you buy it back and make it yourself, it would be more delicious that way. After only half an hour or so, she had already prepared two dishes and a soup, and she laughed at my ungainly eating style.

“Like my cooking?” She asked

“Yummy!” It was really flavorful, more delicious than the ones at the restaurant.

“Does your mom cook at home?” She asked again

“The nanny does most of it, she only does the specialty ones, and her ‘shredded pork with Beijing sauce’ is delicious!”

“Really? If you get a chance, ask her old man to teach me!” She said sweetly while smiling.

I was thinking that if I were to lead her to my house and bring her to my mother, the old lady would be overjoyed, and it would be the greatest comfort that I, as a son, could give to my mother.

I must marry this woman who is elegant and decent in front of people, charming in bed, and wise and gentle at home. I’m going to make it clear to Lan Yu.

A week later, I returned to ‘Scandinavia’, and Rangoon complained that I hadn’t informed him beforehand. On the third night, Ranwu was looking at something in his workroom, I walked in softly, he heard footsteps and looked back.

“What are you doing? Scared me!”

“I have something to tell you!” My expression was serious and my voice low.

“Yes?” He looked at me warily.

“I want to get married and already have a suitable girl.” I said bluntly.

He didn’t say anything and looked at me… God! I knew that look all too well. It was the same look of horror and bewilderment that he had shown me a few years ago when I told him, ‘I don’t want him anymore, I’m tired of playing around’.

My nose was so sore, and I lowered my head in a panic: “It’s only a matter of time, you should know…”

“The…” silence.

Gosh! He was kind of silent again! I can’t stand it!!!

“If you want, we still live like this! The only difference is that I have a wife. Everything is the same as before! Nothing will change!” I said firmly as I raised my head like a vow.

Ranyu’s eyes were full of tears, looking at me so helplessly, his lips trembling badly. He shifted his gaze on me to the side and sniffled, I could tell he was trying to suppress his emotions, not wanting to let the tears fall, he wasn’t a boy who cried well.

After half a day, he turned his face to look at me and smiled bitterly : “From the time you forced me to heal, I knew it was for this reason.” His eyes were still full of tears and his lips were trembling. He lowered his head again.

It was too much for me! Tears came to my eyes and I wrapped my arms around him, “I didn’t want this! I can’t help it! …” I said as I kissed him with the same trembling, tear-stained lips… He gently opened his mouth, stuck out his tongue and licked my lips, licked the tears from my face… He stopped, turned around, picked up the Kleenex from the table, used a wad of his own, and then handed me a wad of his own… He laughed, but it was a very bitter laugh. I smiled the same bitter smile. We just laughed and blew our noses at each other…

We cuddled together again. Ranyu helped me undress and I helped him, we did it without panic. He pressed me gently to the carpet and licked me and looked at me in his most customary way, and I kept my eyes fixed on him, unable to focus my thoughts between my legs, wanting only to see his face. My “dick” was half-soft and stretched, no matter how much Ranu sucked me off, it was still the same, and I held him on the floor and sucked him off as well, and he was in worse shape than I was. He signaled for me to stop, uncomfortably pulling a drawing eraser out from underneath him, and we looked at each other and both smiled… Neither of us needed to have sex, at least not me, I just needed to be at peace with just having him. But I couldn’t be comfortable.

Late at night, we started to make love in bed again, and this time we did a great job… we were passionate, committed, in sync… When we were done, he sat on the bed, and I reclined with my head resting on his body… “It’s much better than I thought it would be!” he said… He said.

“What?” I asked.

“I thought you were going to ask me to break up completely!”

“It won’t.” I said in a pale voice.

┅┅

Chapter 17

I told my mom about Lin Jingping, she initially thought Lin was too low, she preferred me to find a family, or intellectual children. I laughed and cried, thinking: Lan Yu should fit the bill. The moment Jingping stepped into my home, I knew everything would be fine. Her warm, modest, polite demeanor won my mother’s favor, and even my two sisters said she was good. Looking at my mom’s happy demeanor, I felt especially gratified.

I thought that for the time being, Lan Yu and I would get along as calmly and happily as before, but this was not the case, and quarrels had become an essential part of our lives. We are not because of what principle things quarrel, not even for my marriage, but for some trivial matters, we are not happy. The good thing is that we can quickly make peace, Lan Yu always take the initiative to reconcile.

One day, I went out with Lan Yu and saw a lot of people lining up in front of the entrance of ‘Tian Da’, I asked Lan Yu: “What’s this for?”

“Of TOEFL test registration, right!”

“And so frenzied!”

“Our school’s ‘8th Grade Biology Department’, there’s a class that’s all gone!”

“Do you want to go abroad?” I asked

“I can’t, I need an expatriate certificate to get out now! And it’s not good to get in touch with the architecture program!”

“If you really want to get out, I’ll do it for you, just get an official visa, go with the group, and then transfer to a student when you get to the U.S. It’s very easy.”

He’s not talking again, he must be upset again. I ignored him.

“Are you that anxious to blow me off?” He asked after a half-dozen moments.

I still didn’t answer him.

“I don’t want to go anywhere, I just like Beijing!” He sounded like a provocation.

“Dr. Shi is so right! You’re fucking paranoid!” I said viciously.

Every time they argued, he must have laughed again and said something more curt.

That day, I went back to ‘Scandinavia’ and heard pop songs playing on the stereo. Lan Yu never liked pop songs, he preferred folk music, especially erhu songs. They were two songs I wasn’t familiar with, but I only remembered a few lines: “My dear, don’t say goodbye… Maybe there should be a wind, maybe there should be a rain… I’m the one who loves you the most… How could you let me be sad? When I needed you the most, you left without saying a word…

┅┅

I began to intentionally reduce the number of times I went back to ‘Scandinavia’, and to Lan Yu I just said that I went back to my mom’s house to live, but in reality, I was more often in the ‘temporary village’ with Lin Jingping. Later I realized that Lan Yu didn’t live in ‘Scandinavia’ every day either, unless I went back, the rest of the time he lived at school.

Although I had proposed to Lin, I didn’t talk about a specific time or make any arrangements. I subconsciously always wanted to take care of Lan Yu’s business first.

One day in August, we had dinner and I told him to take him to meet some friends.

“I don’t want to see your friends, you hate them.” He wasn’t as obedient as he used to be.

“You must be interested, it’s all the same as ours.”

He looked at me in disbelief.

“It’s all fun and games too.” I explained with a mysterious smile.

He looked at me suspiciously at first, which slowly turned into an angry look.

“You’ve had enough fun! Want to dispose of it to someone else, right?”

I didn’t understand him for a moment.

“Did you go to see Wang Yonghong? … you fucking asshole!!!” He roared, got up and stormed out of the restaurant.

He ran straight to the car, opened the door, and got in. I rushed out with him in a single stride, and running to him, I pulled hard on his skeleton through the open window of the car.

“Scram! Get your own cab!” He said at me.

“You can’t drive like that! It’s too dangerous!” I said anxiously.

He ignored me, broke away from me with his arms and started the car…

“Stop it! I’m begging you! You want to die!” I shouted furiously as I grabbed his shoulders.

He pressed the gas…

“I’m a jerk! I’m not a fucking person! Come on! Just stop it! You can’t get killed!” There was a sob in my voice. I had a death grip on him and was almost dragged away by the car.

He slammed on the gate… In the silence, I heard his shuddering gasp. With both hands on the square disk and his head hiked down, I thought I heard a choked sob. It was a man’s desperately suppressed sobs.

“I didn’t mean that at all! How could I do that! I just wanted you to meet more people in your circle to make you feel better!” I choked back a sob and explained.

There were a few people standing in the distance watching…

He was silent all the way as I slowly drove the car back to ‘Scandinavia’ and we wordlessly entered the house, me sitting on the couch and him going upstairs, probably wanting to go to the workroom, where he had been particularly fond of spending time lately.

“Hey! Ran-woo!” I called him.

He looked back at me.

“Sit with me for a while, will you?” I said softly.

He hesitated for a moment, then came downstairs and sat next to me on the couch.

“Sit here.” I wanted him to sit next to me.

He sat over and I reached out to put my arm around him, he didn’t refuse, but his stiff body was reluctant.

“How are school assignments going?” I hadn’t asked him about it in a while.

“I went to work a long time ago!” He said coldly.

“You should tell me… what unit?” I was so busy all day with business, official dreams, and entanglements with Rin that I pretty much ignored him.

“‘City Nine Company’, a construction company that was transferred down from the army.”

He has told me he hopes to go to ‘design school’ and that must not be his ideal outcome.

“If you don’t like that organization, go to a foreign company, I have a friend who is a Chinese manager in a construction company.” I said.

“I’ve signed a five-year contract.”

“Doesn’t matter! Pay some money and I’ll let you go!”

“Hmph! You trust money so much!” There was scorn in his tone.

I had to change the subject again.

“Do you know there’s a place in Beijing called ‘One, Two, Three’? A lot of people like you and me go there, ordinary people!” I intentionally emphasized the word ‘ordinary’.

“How come you never said anything?” He was very surprised, as if he was quite interested.

“I was afraid you wouldn’t like it.” I lied again.

“I thought we were the only two like this in all of Beijing!” He laughed softly.

“A lot actually, you’d never know if you didn’t step into that circle. I rarely go to places like that, there are a lot of people there, so just be careful.” As I spoke, I was feeling bad. When I thought of him with another man… I felt like I had been punched by someone.

He listened with his head bowed in my arms. I continued.

“I’ve heard there’s another park where some public restrooms are places to play with this, I never go there and you should never go there either! It’s dangerous, and it seems like you’ve even been arrested by the police.” Saying these words, I have a kind of painful helplessness.

He lay deeper in my arms, not saying a word. I remembered something important and said, “By the way, I’ve already completed the transfer procedures for the house and the car. Now this is your property! If you do not like the house, you can sell it, get a company, now everyone is not the sea it!”

He remained silent, and I had to find something else to say.

“Drive carefully in the future! Never drive like today. It can’t help but kill you! …”

He suddenly got up from the sofa and stood across from me, he smiled, it seemed quite sweet, but it was tinged with contempt and indifference.

“What haven’t you finished telling me? When you dumped your lover, you were really considerate!” Before I answered he turned around and went upstairs and casually said, “I’m going to take a shower and go to bed.”

┅┅

That night, Ranu still made love to me. I kept kissing and kissing on him. I looked at his face, his eyes, I sucked him off and he ejaculated. He got up and offered to suck my cock too, “Turn around, I want to play that way.” I signaled for anal sex.

He lay down on his stomach and said faintly, “This should be paid for separately!”

When I heard this, I was instantly discouraged and softened. I wanted to say something sincere to him: I want him, but I have no face to ask. Did I hate him? He didn’t do anything wrong…

I turned off the light and lay flat on my back… In the darkness, I felt Ran-woo start kissing my body… He stopped and said, slowly, as if begging me.

“Defendon, you’re not angry, are you? You can do whatever you want! I didn’t mean…”

I let my tears flow silently…

Chapter XVIII

According to my mom’s suggestion, “eleven” to be married to Lin Jingping, I did not agree, I think I am not ready. I had already bought a four-room flat in the ‘Sports Village’ and decorated it into a new house. I went to Hong Kong with Jing Ping, I bought her a large 2-carat diamond ring, and I bought her dozens of dresses and countless cosmetics and supplies… but I still felt unprepared.

┅┅

‘Scandinavia’ has become a temporary dating place for Lan Yu and me. Lan Yu lives in his unit’s group home, he says it’s convenient for him to go to work. I even seldom go, I am busy with Jingping in my business circle of friends around, all the people know I am going to get married, they seem to be quite jealous of me, I am very proud.

Ran-woo and I usually dated two to three times a week. That day, I asked Ranwoo to meet me at the ‘temporary village’, and when Ranwoo and I went out to walk outside, I didn’t expect Junghei to come back suddenly, and they met unexpectedly. Everyone was a bit embarrassed, especially Lan Yu. Then both Jingping and Ranwoo quickly bid me farewell. Afterward, neither of them asked me about the other. They were both extremely smart people and would have guessed something.

Those days were all about bad luck. First, Jingping told me that her boss had offered her a chance to go to the U.S. for training, and she wanted to go. I said we were getting married soon, but she said, “I’m afraid it’s going to have to wait! I did feel sorry for her.

Then, Liu Zheng told me that my mom called last night and asked about him Lan Yu.

“How did she know?” I panicked.

“How do I know? She knows quite a bit!”

“You admit it?”

“I didn’t admit it, I didn’t deny it. I can’t really lie to our mom with my eyes wide open.” He said with difficulty.

“You’re damn not buddy enough!” I exasperated.

“Defandong! This matter can’t be hidden, if you don’t break with that boy and drag it out with Xiao Lin like this, sooner or later the old lady is going to know.”

“Does Shizhei know too?” I asked.

“I’m not sure, but I think she knows.”

“Fuck me!” I was so angry I couldn’t help it.

Sure enough, not even ten o’clock in the morning, I was called home by my mom. When I entered the house, I saw my mom’s red eyes and desperate expression, I felt very guilty.

┅┅

“Xiao Dong, you can’t be so shameless! Are you still a human being?” Mom cried, it was the first time she had ever said such heavy words to me.

“Who told you this? There’s really no such thing, this must be someone’s way of victimizing me!” I sophistically argued.

“You’ve kept this from us for so many years! It’s a good thing your father died early, if he found out today, wouldn’t that be worse than letting him die?” My mom cried harder.

I’m heartbroken and speechless.

“I’ve wanted to keep you out of trouble since I was pregnant with you. When you were a child in the daycare center, I knew people were bullying you and I was so angry that I argued with the teacher. When you grew up and became more decent day by day, and you studied well, how proud we were! Do you know?” Mom almost sobbed uncontrollably.

“How happy we were to see you studying, doing business, and now also the director of the ‘city trade’, respected by people. But you actually did such a nasty thing, if people know, can you still be a human being? What?

“It must be hard for you to raise a small animal and watch it suffer! But for mom to watch her son being looked down upon and spurned by others, isn’t it harder than death for mom? Huh? I’m scared!” Mom whimpered and lost her voice.

My eyes flushed, my heart is like being struck as hard. I should be considered a man, how could I bear to see my old mother in such pain for me? When I looked at my mother’s red, weeping eyes, what was all this about Lan Yu, his love, my feelings…?

I calmed down for a moment: “You misunderstand, you don’t know that nowadays rich people all play like this, we compare to see who plays with flowers, not serious at all, just lead a boy to walk around. I have long been tired of this, I am now obsessed with running, like horses, it is the same as that.”

As if moved by my words, Mom stopped crying and looked at me.

“In fact, since ancient times in China, there has been a ‘south wind’, and rich people have always regarded it as a ‘fun’. You remember Cai Ming, don’t you? He used to have fun like this once in a while. It’s just eating together, chatting, nothing more.

…” I rambled on, as long as it didn’t upset my mom.

┅┅

My mom believed me when I told him that I was marrying Jingping next month, and she finally broke into tears.

Lin Jingping also understood about Lan Yu, but she feigned ignorance.

I was thinking about how to show my cards to Lan Yu and end our relationship once and for all. This was definitely not for Lin Jingping, nor was it all for my mom, but for me. I realized that I couldn’t just have a “sexual” relationship with Lan Yu like I did with the other boys. When I was with him, I couldn’t help but fall into a whirlwind of emotions, and the less we saw each other, the more intense my thoughts became.

The weather forecast called for high winds and cooler temperatures during the night, and sure enough there were gusty winds all night. I woke up early in the morning and it was clear and sunny. Just the leaves were all off the trees, but there was a bleak beauty to it.

Ranu was still asleep in bed, he said he could go to the flat later today. He always likes to sleep on his back, with his face turned sideways. I stood in front of the bed and scrutinized his face for a long time. He rolled over, the covers stirred to one side, and he was naked in front of me, and after last night’s orgy, I don’t know where he threw his shorts. I walked over to him and gently tucked him in.

“Is that what I want for his body? Just to fulfill my sexual desires? What would I lose if I were separated from him? I…” I just watched, thought, and waited for him to wake up… He woke up, and smiled when he noticed me examining him. Then he looked at me teasingly. He must have thought that I wanted to make love to him again, how could he be so stupid!

“Get dressed!” I said, turning around in a hurry and heading out of the bedroom. I didn’t want to talk about breaking up with him naked.

He got dressed and washed up and went to the kitchen to look for food. The house was like a makeshift hotel, and the refrigerator was long empty. There were only some cookies and coke thrown there. Lan Yu never cared about food, he opened a can of drink and had cookies for breakfast. I looked at him, not knowing where to start.

┅┅

“I really feel sorry for you! For leading you down this path. I can’t harm you anymore!” I spoke shamelessly.

“What’s wrong with you?” He said as he ate.

“I know you’ve always hated me, and I’m the one who’s sorry!”

“I haven’t hated you.” Extremely sensitive, he was so slow today.

“Don’t lie to me, you don’t even listen to me now, you don’t give a shit about me.” I always have to find a grand reason to break up.

He glanced at me: “Why don’t I listen to you? You let me treat me on the treatment, you want me to like this and your dealings, I also agree. You let me go out and screw someone else, I’m trying to do it!”

I looked at him in surprise, how could he?

“I’m doing all this for your own good! Don’t be ungrateful!” I went on.

“Hmph! You’re doing it for that bitch, aren’t you?” He looked at me contemptuously.

I was enraged, and I could not tolerate him defying me so.

“Who’s the bitch? You’re the bitch! Male bitch!”

He didn’t say anything, and after a few seconds of silence, he put down the drink in his hand, got up and headed for the front door.

I grabbed him: “Why are you going?”

“Don’t you towel me!” He said in disgust trying to shake my hand off. But I held on for dear life.

“I’m not done yet!” I said.

“Didn’t you just want to say we’re breaking up for good? Hmph! The sky is the limit, I’ve long since gotten over it, I won’t pester you!” He said it coldly and firmly.

I was bewildered! I never dreamed he would react like this.

I let go of him and turned around, sitting on the couch, unable to say a word. I picked up the cigarette on the coffee table and lit it, and I realized that my hand was shaking slightly with it, and all I could do was clutch my left hand to my right.

Instead of going out, Ranyu sat on the couch as well and we were silent for a long time.

“I don’t live in a vacuum… I can’t help facing many things… I have a career, my mom… I’m afraid to be with you… You can’t ruin me!” I spoke incoherently.

“I’m not gay, I need to live a normal life.” I said again with certainty.

Lan Yu will hand over to grab my hand, we look at each other, he is very calm, with a little smile on his face: “I know that eventually this will be the case, I have waited for a long time, not afraid. I still remember what you said to me, ‘play this by choice, time is too long to play again.’ You’re married now, maybe in a couple years I’ll be married too.” He said.

I looked into his eyes, but I could see nothing but pain. He looked at me, too, and looked, and looked… His sad eyes were filled with tears, and before he could cry out, I turned my face away from him and wept like a woman in front of him…

“Defendon! You don’t be like this! It’s really nothing!” He choked and advised me.

What kind of a thing am I! I clearly dumped him and I need him to comfort me, I despise myself!

┅┅

I think we both want to maintain a little bit of self-esteem of men, we parted with a smile on our faces, and before we parted, he leaned in my arms and listened to me as he usually does.

“Be able to take care of yourself, always go to the doctor when you’re sick, and even more so when you have a fever.”

He smiled, a sort of yes.

“Be careful if you make ‘friends’! Don’t pass on the disease.”

He lowered his head…

“Even though we agreed not to contact each other anymore, if you have any real emergencies, come to me, do you hear me?”

He nodded and lowered his head even deeper…

That day he said he’d let me go first, and I hoped that, in that way, I’d feel better. He sat on the arm of the sofa and smiled sadly at me. My heart ached as if it had been ripped open. I didn’t dare to look at him again, so I turned and walked out the door…

That’s how we parted ways…

Chapter 19

Loss! It was a loss I had never felt before! It was as if I had lost something important and I couldn’t get it back. But anyway, reason told me not to play with fire anymore!

Fortunately, the joy of marriage soon drowned out my despondency, the wedding was held in the banquet hall of ‘Jinghua’, lively, rowdy and decent. I could see my mother’s face beaming. At a small gathering of close friends, we had a lot of fun. Jingping and I ate apples and candy bars suspended in the air, we were forced to tell the story of our love affair, and we sang an underground version of the song ‘Husband and Wife Bringing Home the Family’ together… I really felt happy not only because I had Jingping, but also because of the blessings of my family and friends.

This was my first marriage, but I was no stranger to married life. Although Lan Yu and I didn’t have a legal agreement, we had a dull but fulfilling life like any other couple.

Lin Jingping quit her original job, she wished to work in my company, I didn’t like it, but I agreed to her request. In my married life, I slowly began to reacquaint myself with Lin, who was very particular about everything she ate, drank, wore, and used; she only used famous brands, and even the toilet paper in the toilet was elaborate. She told me that the so-called famous brands in China are all crap, and the stuff in Hong Kong sucks, and she heard that only Japan and some famous stores on Fifth Avenue in New York are really upscale. She goes to the beauty parlor in the hotel every day for facials or to get her hair done. She hired a live-in nanny because she couldn’t do housework with her long, beautifully manicured hands… I didn’t mind how much she spent on these things, but I was just surprised that a poor girl from a poor family, a poor student, and a wage earner like her could enjoy her wealth in such a comfortable way.

She was not particularly happy with the Japanese imported ‘Honda’ car I gave her, she would have preferred a ‘Mercedes’. She once asked me why I didn’t buy a villa in the suburbs, and I said I preferred to be closer to the city. Yet she is still so gentle, sweet and generous.

After sex that day, she lay on her back in my arms and I looked into her misty eyes: “Hmph! You’re like a smart little wolf!” I laughed.

“What are you?” She laughed back.

“I’m like a big, stupid, fat goat!”

“Ha! You big bad boy!” She laughed and hit me.

“You’re actually an intelligent, romantic, affectionate, cautious, and cunning womanizer.” She was getting a little carried away, but her assessment of me was not without merit.

Time flies, I have broken up with Lan Yu for half a year, we all keep our promise, no longer contact each other. But whenever the cell phone rings, I wonder if it will be a call from Lan Yu, I don’t know if it is fear or anticipation. That day when we broke up, his behavior surprised me, he was calm, rational, calm, he was stronger than I thought, I was much less worried.

I try not to think about Ranu or our relationship, but I think about him when I’m having sex with Lin.

I touched Lin Jingping’s white, plump body and looked at her delicate face, but this was far from being able to arouse my sexual desire. I closed my eyes, and Lan Yu’s clean, handsome face came back to me, and I seemed to be touching his smooth shoulders and spine again, and his toned, elastic skin… My dick gradually began to get erect, and I didn’t dare to think about it any more, because I wanted to lick his body, and that would shatter the dream, and I panicked as I lifted up both of Lin’s legs, and plunged my prick into them, but what was even more painful was the fact that I was delayed in ejaculating, because it just wasn’t exciting enough, and I had to rely on my fantasies again, to reach my orgasm.

From now on, Lin and I would have sex mostly in the behind-the-back position, which was okay at first, but gradually became more and more unsatisfying. I had to rely more on masturbation to satisfy my sexual desires. Eventually I decided to go to other boys.

It was a boy I had only met a few times, he was about twenty-five or twenty-six, and was introduced to me by a friend. My memories of him are faded, except that he had an aura in his eyes that was intelligent and alert. It must have been because I hadn’t had sex with a man in a long time, the boy and I fucked especially impulsively, and when I was about to reach orgasm, I crowed and yelled something. After we were done, the boy laughed and asked me if my former friend named Lan Yu had screamed out during sex… I thought I should call Lan Yu, not for anything else, but at least to find out how he was doing. I called his cell phone, but it was turned off, so I called his office, and a woman answered the phone: “Please, help me find Ran-woo.” I said.

“Which one are you?” She asked. I hate getting grilled when I’m looking for someone on the phone.

“I went to college with him.” I said patiently

“He doesn’t work here anymore.” She said flatly

“He transferred?”

“He’s fired!” The other guy was getting impatient

“¡¡Why?!” I was shocked

“Unclear!” The woman had a very bad attitude. I had to hang up the phone.

In the evening, I called ‘Nordic’, but no one answered, until one o’clock in the middle of the night, still the same result. The next day, I asked Liu Zheng to go to the telephone bureau to check the calls of the Blue Yu cell phone and the ‘Nordic’ phone, which were still paid for by the company. He came back and told me that both phones had not been used for more than half a year. An ominous feeling of foreboding arose.

“Why don’t I go to his unit and ask what’s going on.” Liu Zheng helped me out.

“Together!” I was afraid to hear any bad news.

┅┅

Liu Zheng took the letter of introduction and lied that he was here to investigate because he was preparing to hire Lan Yu. We were received by a guy from the defense section and a cadre from the personnel department.

┅┅

“It’s like this, about five months ago, the company received several faxes exposing some of Lan Yu’s rogue behavior.” The personnel cadre said.

“…” Liu Zheng and I were both dumbfounded

“That kid looked like a human being when he first came here, he was a college student from the ‘University of China’, and he looked good, but who would have thought that he was a male prostitute!” The guy from the security section added with a fluttering brow.

“Can we see that fax?” It was still Liu Zheng who had quick reflexes.

“I have a copy here.” The guy from the security section was particularly aggressive.

The fax is very blurry, probably because it’s been so long. It was typed by a computer, and it said that Lan Yu was making money by seducing men outside the home. It said that he was going to all the major hotels, soliciting business, providing sexual services to men…

I looked at the fax and couldn’t tell if I was angry, or horrified, I just felt something in my throat that made me want to vomit.

“These circumstances are not necessarily true either. It’s not easy to draw conclusions based on just a fax because he himself won’t admit it.” The personnel cadre passing around green army pants said.

“But look at what he’s wearing, what he’s using, where did a new graduate get so much money, I heard that the watch he’s wearing is worth a lot of money!” That defense retorted.

I was painfully reminded that it was the ‘Rolex’ that I had bought for Lan Yu from America.

“So he was fired?” Liu Zheng asked the personnel officer

“Didn’t fire him, let him do the resignation, he’s willing to do it himself. Hi! A student, only in his early twenties, how bad can he be? He’s still a good worker, serious and responsible. He has a good relationship with everyone. If you say he seduced men… but I didn’t see him seduce anyone in the unit.” The forty-something veteran had a righteous air about him.

“You guys can try him if you want to hire him, he’s still a student at a prestigious school. But watch out for AIDS!” The personnel officer added.

“He has AIDS?!” Liu Zheng and I exclaimed at the same time

“People like them have AIDS, don’t you know? Our doctor in the infirmary said so.” The veteran said seriously.

I wanted to laugh and cry! My stomach churned desperately and I wanted to throw up.

When I came out of the ‘City Construction Nine’, Liu Zheng asked me.

“Who’s the asshole that did this? It’s too dark!”

“Where do you think he’ll go?” I asked.

“Should look for another job! Definitely can’t get away from the construction mouth.”

┅┅

He doesn’t even live in ‘Scandinavia’. Where does he live? Why didn’t he come to me? We agreed to come to me in an emergency. Timing-wise, the day he got the fax was when I was in the middle of a wedding, so maybe he came to see me and I didn’t know? Would he have survived? He wouldn’t do anything stupid, would he? I had these questions running through my head over and over again. My stomach felt like it was twisting a little.

I wanted to do everything I could to inquire about Lan Yu and investigate the provenance of that fax, however, to no avail, I felt for the first time that Beijing was so big. No one in my circle knew about him, and I couldn’t find him in the construction industry in Beijing. I didn’t know his family’s phone number, but I had an address, and I asked Liu Zheng to help me go to the northwest, where his father said that he hadn’t had any contact with his family for almost a year, and that he had completely disappeared… It’s hard to describe how I felt at that time… It wasn’t as painful as when I broke up with him, but it was very depressing, and I was surrounded by fear and guilt. I was afraid that something would happen to him, and that I would be condemned by my conscience. I am an outgoing person, but at that time, I became depressed.

Chapter 20

Lin Jingping is indeed a very capable woman, she met many people through me, she is now closer to “Chen” than I am, and I have benefited greatly from it. In my company, she was in charge of personnel, objectively restricting my freedom to a large extent, which I found repugnant. Her elegant, fashionable dress, generous, decent demeanor no longer attracts me, because I see that there are too many traces of artifice, and in the sexual life, it means almost disaster for me.

One day, Lin Jingping and I were chatting, and she told me that Weiguo had bought a villa in the ‘northern suburbs’.

“Actually, we should buy a house too.” She said.

“Isn’t it nice to live here?”

“This kind of apartment house is really corny, only poor people live in foreign countries!”

“I don’t like the ‘northern suburbs’, it’s too far from the city, and I hear the water and electricity are always cut off.” I coped with her insipidly.

“But you have a pile of rooms there, don’t you?” Jingping looked at me with a smirk.

“It wasn’t mine! A friend’s house I’m borrowing.” I knew she was referring to the pile of villas for Lan Yu, this woman is really something.

She said no more. I glanced into her eyes, cloudy and unfathomable.

The hot summer is over, and the cool autumn breeze caresses your face when you walk on the road. This is my favorite season and the most beautiful time in Beijing.

I began to wonder how long my marriage with Jingping would last. She was still very kind to me, considerate, caring and taking care of my life, even the clothes I wore every day she asked about. She had the right to ask about everything I did and use my money because she was my wife and she was morally recognized and legally protected. But I began to hate her, as I had all the other women I used to fuck, and I began to get tired of it. I felt like we were separated and in the same bed.

But no matter what, I won’t divorce Lin, for one thing, Jingping has always had the same feelings for me, and for another, she’s been exceptionally kind to my mother, which is a great comfort to me. My mom doesn’t want to live with us, she prefers to live alone, she says she’s comfortable that way. On weekends, Jingping often dragged me back to my mother’s place, I was in my mother’s home either to eat, or sleep, Lin and my mother in a happy chat, they look like mother and daughter, whenever this time, I will feel a kind of heavenly happiness, I and Jingping married is right.

It was an afternoon, and the warm sunlight was streaming into the room. I was leaning on the bed by myself, drinking water and thinking about whether I had conceded too much in the morning’s negotiation about the ‘Punching Sky’ office building. My mom was splashing her ink. She had gone to some kind of senior citizen’s college and was hooked on Chinese painting.

“You and Jingping hurry up and have a baby! What’s the holdup?” Mom said as she painted.

“It’s not that I don’t want it, it’s that she won’t have it.”

“Jingping told me all about it, you’re the one who’s not active!” Mom glared at me.

“You’re listening to her!” I don’t want to discuss this, Lin and I only have sex a couple times a month, only during Lin’s ovulation, and we still haven’t gotten pregnant.

“Did you have a fight with Jingping? Have you been coming to my place a lot these days?”

“No.”

After a moment’s pause, Mom said, “Did you know that Li Deshan’s second daughter is divorced? Li Deshan’s second daughter divorced!”

“Ha! Isn’t that quite good! I’ll give you a new daughter-in-law in a couple days, too.”

Mom surprised to turn her head to look at me, when I saw my face full of bad smile, she also laughed: “You’re a dead kid!” Said the mother and continue her creation: “Jingping really good for you, although the family almost, but everything can be tolerated you, such as your thing, Jingping not only did not mind, but also for you to worry about it! If she hadn’t told me, you’d still be obsessed with it!”

I was shocked at first, but didn’t move, I got up from the bed and said as I walked towards the living room, “There was nothing going on, just you guys making a fuss!”

“That’s because we did a thorough job, and that little rascal won’t dare come after you again.”

My heart skipped a wild beat and my hand tightened around my teacup.

“You mean the fax!” I asked in a calm manner

“That was still Jingping’s idea na! I was going to find that little rascal and tell him to sue his leader if he comes after you again.”

I was silent for a few seconds… I looked at the glass of water in my hand… I threw the glass against the wall with all my strength, and with a loud bang, I rushed out of the room… I could hear my mom yelling at me, but I didn’t look back.

┅┅

It was already midnight, I came out of the bar and drove the car not knowing where I should go. Gradually I drove to a villa in the ‘northern suburbs’, I had to go back to ‘Scandinavia’ to have a look around. I hadn’t been here for almost a year, I hadn’t had the courage to set foot in the house since the breakup, and it wasn’t my property anymore.

The motorized iron gate pulls open and I pull into the garage. I had agreed with Lan Yu that the garage on the left would be mine. I looked at the right garage, for some reason, I opened it, as the door gradually upward, Lan Yu’s white “Lexus” presented in front of my eyes, my heart a burst of ecstasy: he is home?

I quickly rushed to the door and opened it, and a musty smell from the lack of ventilation hit me.

“Ranwoo! Ranwoo!” I called twice, there was no reply and the room was surprisingly quiet.

The large living room is cleaned up, the coffee table is still placed on the pack of cigarettes I smoked when we broke up, I came to the kitchen, dining room, I remember that day on the table stayed on the leftover drinks of Lan Yu, but now there is nothing. When we were together, I rarely interfered with the housework, and I knew that Lan Yu wasn’t particularly good at it either, but except for cooking, he took care of it all. He likes to be neat and tidy, things are put in order, I laughed at him for being nosy, he said it was the engineer’s style.

I went to our sleeping room and my eyes rose sourly as I looked at the bed on which we had had countless cloudbursts. I opened Ranyu’s closet, which held many clothes. We both care more about clothes, but Lan Yu has a habit, if it is his favorite clothes, he will tirelessly wear over and over again, if he does not like, whether it is a famous brand, or how high grade he is not interested.

I just watched and reminisced about our time together, I went to his workroom, it seemed like it was emptier than before, but I couldn’t tell what was missing. I walked into our study, I rarely use this place, but Lan Yu often read books here. I remembered that day he was in the study to a classmate on the phone, I saw his serious demeanor, I think it is particularly ridiculous, so quietly walked in, a pull down his slacks, he was surprised, panicked with one hand to lift, while lifting the side of the frowning, glaring at me, but the phone is still a serious conversation, I think it is very interesting, I began to take off his clothes, he used a hand to vigorously block me, but I am more But I stroked and kissed him even more vigorously, and then he simply ignored me and let me play with him. Finally, he hung up the phone in a hurry, grabbed me in his arms, and pressed me to the ground… I don’t want to remember any more, and my eyes feel even more sore.

I turned around and prepared to leave the house, suddenly found a key on the writing desk, that is Lan Yu’s car keys, the key chain is a gold-plated brand, this is he and I in Hong Kong to play when I spent twenty Hong Kong dollars engraved, above there are two hearts together, the bottom there is also L & H. We made two, I threw my one long ago I don’t know where to go, but Lan Yu has always been using this key chain. I saw that the first drawer of the writing desk was half-closed, and I slowly pulled it open. Inside were all the documents for the occupancy, title, and insurance of the ‘Nordic’ house, and next to it was a set of keys to the door of the ‘Nordic’ house, as well as my cell phone, CALLS… I nervously rummaged around in the drawer, anticipating that I would have to go through it. I rummaged through the drawers, anticipating that I would find some kind of note, letter, or… suicide note, but I found nothing.

I had indescribable fatigue. I lay powerless on the bed. Lan Yu, you can’t do this, can you? Do you want me to carry a debt of conscience for the rest of my life? I’m not a decent person, but I’m not so cold and heartless that I’ve lost my humanity… I drifted off to sleep thinking about it. I don’t know how long it took, but I was awakened by the ringing of the phone.

┅┅

“Are you girl all right! The old lady and Xiao Lin have been looking for you everywhere! They’re all anxious!” Liu Zheng said anxiously.

“Tell them that I can’t die!” I didn’t wait for Liu Zheng to say anything else and hung up.

It was as if nothing had happened, and I had to face my mother and Jingping as I had always done; I couldn’t tell them how much that boy meant to me, nor could I accuse them of how despicable and vicious their behavior was. I even denied to my mother that I had slammed the cup because of that boy, saying only that I was angry with Lin Jingping.

I caught a cold, accompanied by a low-grade fever, and after a month of taking countless medicines with no improvement, even I suspected that I had some incurable disease. Jingping took very good care of me, and she was careful to get along with me. My mom asked me again about Lan Yu, about the villa, I told her I probably wouldn’t live long, don’t press me anymore, and my poor mom never dared to mention it again. Lasted two months, my cold completely well, I began to work on the divorce procedures.

Chapter XXI

┅┅

“Jingping, let’s just get a divorce. Both of us suffer from maintaining such a marriage.” I want to talk to Lin Jingping openly and honestly.

“To this point? Did I treat you badly or did I do something wrong?” Shizuhira asked me with tears in her eyes.

“I do think we’re not happy together.”

“It’s not unhappiness, it’s that you’re already tired of it, isn’t it? But we’ve only been married for a little over a year!”

“No matter what you think, we must be divorced!” I was very determined.

“deferred east, we are all adults, marriage is even more not child’s play, don’t you think you are too hasty?

“I’m sorry,” said Shizuhira mournfully.

“I’ve been thinking about this for a long time and I really don’t think we can live together.” I said hollowly.

During those weeks, Jingping was trying to save our marriage. She started to cook for herself, and she made dinner quite emotional, holding my hand and saying she loved me by candlelight and soft music. She dragged me to the concert and snuggled into my arms, just like when we first met. The music pool resounded with the violin playing the tune of ‘Liang Zhu’, I remembered that Lan Yu had told me that the story of ‘Liang Zhu’ was the prototype of a homosexual love, I said it was nonsense, he looked at me with his clear, bright eyes and said that he believed in it. As I listened to the mournful music, as if looking at his determined expression as he spoke, I thought of the 18th farewell, the farewell on the terrace, and the ending of the Butterfly Lovers, and my eyes blurred…

A month or so later, the old man in charge of finance told me that Jingping had already transferred three hundred thousand dollars from the company to other places, and that three hundred thousand dollars was the maximum Lin could sign off on. Lin was moving fast, and I wanted to know more about the matter as soon as possible. I told Jingping that I couldn’t delay any longer.

┅┅

“Defiant East, are you doing this for a man named Lan Yu?” After our argument, Jing Ping suddenly asked me.

“You’re out of your mind, aren’t you?” I said in a mocking tone.

“Hmph! From the time we fell in love, I knew I had a rival, but I never thought that my love rival would be a man! How is it that this kind of thousand-year-old wonder would make me towel to it!” Shizuhira said helplessly.

“I like you, I don’t mind this sick mind of yours, I forgive you and help you get over it, but you actually want to divorce me!” She added.

“Don’t say it like that, how can you be that kind? You don’t mind because you mind the money more, do you?”

“Money! You take money too seriously, don’t you! I use your money, yes, but what have you ever given me besides money? As a man, as a husband, what else have you given me?” Shizhei shouted loudly, the first time she lost her temper so much in front of me.

“When have you ever cared about me? Know what I want? I asked you to accompany me back home once, you said you weren’t used to the southern climate. When I got married, my mom and dad came so far to see me, I asked you to spare a day to accompany them, you said you didn’t have time. But what about your mom? I chatted with her, shopped with her…” she said and began to cry.

“I love you, regardless of the fact that you break my heart over and over again, and I always think that a woman’s tenderness will move you. But what about you? You to me, to the family which have a little responsibility! I accompanied you to socialize, maneuver, let you happy, you thought I want what? I don’t want your money, but what can I want? How much have you given in your relationship? It’s in conjugal life that you can’t even act like a normal husband!” Jingping wailed and cried.

“But there are some things you’ve gone too far!” I said in a low voice

“You finally admit that you hate me because of the fax thing. There’s nothing wrong with what I did, as a wife I have to protect my husband and my family!” She finally calmed down.

“But you can drive that boy to the brink!” I yelled at her.

“Don’t you say it in a way that makes me sick, okay? What does it matter if there are one more or one less of those people?”

Looking at her pretty face, I wanted to smack her! But I don’t want to hit a woman.

“Cut the crap! You’ve already taken three hundred thousand dollars, I’ll give you another two hundred thousand, that’s the understanding!” I looked at her and said.

“You’re not afraid I’m going to spill the beans about you?” Lin said with his eyes fixed on me.

“Then you underestimate me! You try! Let’s see which one of us ends up with a broken reputation!!!” I said with a sneer.

Jingping was silent for a while, and then began to cry, which was a cry of despair. After a long time, she looked at me helplessly, “One million dollars! That’s not too much for you.” She finally made her offer.

┅┅

My first short-lived marriage ended, and I lost so much! But as Lan Yu said, what goes around comes around, and I got a validation that I never wanted to admit, but it’s the truth: I’m a homosexual, no matter the degree.

My mother did not do anything to stop my decision to divorce, but the way she looked at me added a level of anxiety and worry. She said that in the future I would find a suitable woman to marry. I thought to myself: I am afraid that no woman is suitable for me.

Before I got divorced, I had been in a sexual relationship with a man who also studied Chinese and worked as an editor at a newspaper, and who often laughed at me for my low level of Chinese language proficiency coming out of the ‘Southern University.’ He wasn’t tall, but he was very handsome, and his eyes were nearsighted, so he always wore contact lenses. He wasn’t tall, but he was very handsome, a very “cool” type, and his eyes were nearsighted, so he always wore contact lenses. He is four years younger than me, so we are a perfect match. We share a lot of common language together. He really likes me, and I like him more, but I always keep a distance from him. I told him some things about Lanyu, and he advised me to think about it, and he was my only confidant in that regard. After I got divorced, he had wanted us to have a closer relationship, and when I said that there was an empty space in my heart that I couldn’t get rid of and that no one could fill, he said he understood. Then we broke up and I didn’t look for another “friend”, I felt especially lonely, but I liked it.

I focused almost exclusively on business. My joint venture cosmetics factory was in very bad shape, and I knew so little about business and management that I gave it up. I’m going to play to my strengths and do more trading. I saw an opportunity, but needed a lot of money, I started to get financing.

I often stayed at ‘Scandinavia’ because it was Lan Yu’s home, and I looked forward to the day when he would suddenly come back and stand in front of me. I couldn’t believe that he just disappeared, I waited for a miracle… Chapter 22

I never liked the summer in Beijing, but summer is the longest. Counting the days I’ve been separated from Lan Yu has been one year and nine months, we broke up in a late fall, how many more late falls do I have to wait before I can find him?

That day, I was invited by a friend to visit a building materials exhibition, the friend is a real estate development, he wanted me to cooperate with him, I was not interested, but always give face to my friend. After the socializing, I didn’t leave immediately, but wandered around the exhibition hall. This is a large-scale exhibition, there are a lot of foreign businessmen, joint ventures also come to the exhibition, I like some booth design, I am not an expert, but I think it is interesting.

My eyes scanned aimlessly, suddenly, I was attracted to three men, it was in front of a Japanese company’s booth, a foreigner was talking to two Chinese, the one on the left was a short middle-aged man, and the boy in the center, no! That man was too much like Lan Yu! My heart was beating so wildly that even breathing became difficult.

He wore a set of dark blue suit, set off a straight, well-proportioned body. His hair has been cut into a short, completely unlike the original kind of big boy look, less of a pure love, but more of a mature charm. It seems that they are not talking in Chinese, Lan Yu also from time to time for the middle-aged man translation. He looked like he was laughing and joking, and his demeanor was elegant. I couldn’t see his face clearly because I was too far away from him, but I knew it was Lan Yu.

I moved forward a bit, using one of the booth risers as cover so I could watch him. They stopped talking, the foreigner and the middle-aged man both left, he turned around and went inside the booth and stood behind the information desk, he took out a bottle of mineral water from underneath, opened it and took a sip, a very pretty girl stood beside him, he said something to her, the girl pursed her lips for joy, they were chatting, the girl’s eyes always lingered on his face. I remembered that he was not used to getting along with girls, but now he was so comfortable and calm. Not long after, that middle-aged man came back, he ordered them and patted Lan Yu’s shoulder, I looked uncomfortable. Then it seemed as if Ranwu and the middle-aged man were about to leave together, and I subconsciously stepped out from behind the columns, and they were coming my way… In that split second, we met eye to eye, and Ranwu was stunned; he hadn’t changed at all, and he was still as handsome as ever. His eyes were filled with wonder, but it was quickly replaced by something… was it pain, hatred? Without any expression, he left his gaze on me and walked quickly towards the front.

I just froze there, not knowing what to do. I settled down and walked quickly towards the front door as well. I raced to the parking lot and called the driver who sent me back. I got into the car, eyes fixed on Lan Yu and the middle-aged man, they got into a quantity of quite luxurious Japanese car together and drove out, I followed closely behind. My mind was wandering, where would they go? The middle-aged man looks like a small Japanese, what is their relationship?

The car stopped at the ‘Sky Talk’ building, where there were several piles of office buildings, most of which were rented by foreign offices in Beijing. I watched as they got out of the car and walked into the building together. It was an office space, and I felt calmer as it seemed they were just bosses and employees. I waited in the car, but I didn’t know what to expect. Nearly five o’clock, the building began to come out of the crowd, it was really a bright spot, so many beautiful girls and boys in Beijing are concentrated here. I watched every boy who came out, but never found Lan Yu. It was almost six o’clock when he came out, he had already changed out of his suit into a pair of pants and an ordinary round-necked undershirt. He didn’t take anything and hurried out. I was glad that I was driving the company’s black Audi that day, so I could follow him very closely. He came to the ‘011’ station, stood in the crowd of people waiting for the train, looked at his watch, and then glanced into the distance.

I looked at him, my heart was like a bottle of flavors, I do not know what to feel! I used to let him live the Chinese “aristocrat” life, give him those “glory and wealth”, and even send him a pile of mansions, but in the end, he did not want anything, nothing rare, in my ruthless abandonment of him, he also cruelly returned to me, he did not let me! get the slightest mental balance. He stood there, just like an ordinary Beijing people, only his handsome figure, handsome face and appear so outstanding.

I followed the blue Yu ride the “small bus”, driving slowly forward, in the middle of the car he also changed once, finally came to the ‘celebration’ of a family compound in front of the door, he bought some tomatoes and so on, and then into a pile of dormitory building doorway. I pulled up to the door and through the teal glass, I took down the number. I wanted to go in and find him, but I didn’t have the courage, yet I didn’t want to just go back either.

Staying in the car like that, I watched as the lights came on in one house, guessing which room was Ranu’s. At that moment, two men came out of the doorway, and I was sure one was Lan Yu. In the twilight, I could not see the man’s face, he wore glasses, polite look, age maybe a few years older than Blue Yu, they came to the yard, the strange man opened the bike, Blue Yu and he stood quite close, the boy seemed to also clutch Blue Yu’s hand, and then rode on the bike, disappeared into the night. Sang-woo stood outside for a minute or two before entering the building…

I was distracted for days, I wanted to see him and I didn’t have the courage. I thought about that day when we looked at each other. Did he hate me, did he dislike me? He seemed to be doing well, he had a good job and “friends”, I shouldn’t bother him, he didn’t need me.

I’m going to find him because I need him!

At five o’clock in the afternoon, I first came to the front of the ‘Sky Talk’ building and watched Lan Yu and a few colleagues come out from inside, I didn’t greet him but drove straight to ‘Celebration’. I parked my car and stood in front of the door of the family building to wait for him. I waited for a long time until it was already completely dark and the time was close to nine o’clock. I remembered that extraordinary night when I was anxiously waiting for him to come back in the ‘temporary village’.

He finally came back, when he was ready to enter the building, noticed me not far away, stopped for a moment: “deferred east?” His voice sounded a little bit drifting.

“…” I looked at him in the night.

“When did you get here? How did you know I was here?” He asked.

“Been here a while.” I whispered.

“…” Neither of us knew what to say.

“Something wrong?” He spoke first.

“It’s okay! Look at you!” His question chilled my heart, and I was calmer instead.

We just stood there awkwardly, and it so happened that a man came out of the doorway, and Bluu said hello to him.

“Come inside and sit down for a while!” I couldn’t tell if he meant it or was being polite.

I followed him into the building, and at the door of the middle unit on the third floor, he stopped to open the door. It was a very small two-room flat, with a modest dining table, and a couple of chairs in the small hall. The door to one bedroom was closed, and in the other room, there was a double bed and two tables, bookshelves, and some boxes. The room was not large, but it was clean, and because of the simple furnishings, it seemed fresh and light.

“Is this house rented?” I asked

“Rented, one bedroom only, that room is the landlord’s stuff.”

“Is it their spare room?”

“It says the owner is out of the country and it’s kinda hard to rent!”

We sat in the foyer, my eyes on him, but he avoided my gaze.

“Do you drink water?” He broke the silence.

“I’m not thirsty!”

He turned to the kitchen and grabbed two bottles of beer: “That’s the drink I have here!” He said with a smile as he opened the bottles. He stops suddenly.

“Right, you’re driving, I forgot.” He looked at me and smiled.

He went back into the room and took out a pack of cigarettes and handed them to me.

“You don’t smoke?” I asked anyway, knowing he wasn’t much of a smoker.

“You know I’m not addicted.” He said. It looked like it was someone else’s cigarette.

I didn’t move the pack of cigarettes, but looked at him: “I see you’re doing well!” I said.

“Not bad!” He stared at me matter-of-factly, like he was telling me he was doing well.

“How’s your business?” He asked me with a smile

“Make do.”

“Our mom is in pretty good health?” His voice was flat, sounding like a bureaucrat.

“Yes!” I also put on a smile to make a mall dash.

┅┅

After a few more inconsequential greetings, I got up to say goodbye.

“Can I get a phone number?” I asked with courage

He brought a business card from his desk, “Call me if you need anything.” He said.

We went downstairs and he suddenly asked me, “Do you have children?”

“No!” I didn’t tell him I was divorced and we didn’t say anything after that.