Excerpted from Harvard Lover, Culture and Arts Press
At the end of the nineties, seventeen and a half years old, I was admitted to a major university in Beijing, Department of Computer Science, finally my parents have an explanation. Now, when they saw the neighbors, they didn’t have to shiver. In fact, I don’t love to study, but I’m not willing to watch my parents be their own only son to the living dead. In my senior year, I gritted my teeth, with our “monks” band buddies scattered, under the watchful eye of parents, do up memorization of the hook to do the problem. Thinking about it now, this is the only time I’ve ever been sorry to my buddies.
My first year in college was my most playful year. I spent most of my time on the basketball court or soccer field. I spent most of my time on the basketball court or the soccer field, playing at noon and in the afternoon, often playing until it was too dark to see anything at night. In class, I was most annoyed by the teacher’s delaying the class, and when the teacher was nagging me, I would turn my legs over and burst out “TMD”, muttering in my heart that I was afraid that the field would be stood up by those from outside the department. Whenever this time, the surrounding students often also by me to vent, become impatient.
I made a mess on the court every day, covered in dirt and sweat, plus the sun tanned me, the whole image of a construction site miner. When we played, whether it was basketball or soccer, the loser had to drill his pants and give the winner a beer. We used to drink beer and eat Korean food for lunch to make up for the past.
In the evening, I returned to the dormitory after a day out in the field, covered in sweat, and went to the water room to take a shower. In the evening, I usually have a good meal so as not to lose myself – two steamed buns, two salted eggs, a roasted pork chop, a dish of pickles, and a tofu soup.
I like playing and watching football. I especially like to watch the American NBA, Jordan is my most admired idol, he played basketball to the extreme. This dude’s body is black and bright, full of intelligence, amazing jumping speed, the ability to check the air is unparalleled, is the basketball world’s “lonely master”. After he is gone, the appeal of the NBA will be far less than before. Jordan’s buddy is playing civilized ball, that flower skin Rodman is hard to hard what all the hours, is a good hand to grab the block. Bad boy Barkley, bald and savage, full of impact, also has its wild man style.
In soccer, the Germans have the fewest faults and the Brazilians the most virtues, while the German chariots wallow in the rules, which are sensible, clean and clear, mentally tough and meticulous. The South American Brazilians were relaxed, artistic, samba-like, while their second passes and footwork looked over the top. I also love the Italian and Argentinian teams. They are both Latin cultures, and they’re so bold, so sashaying. As for our domestic, I will not say, to say sad, I see women’s soccer sisters is China’s only hope.
I’m newly addicted to tennis again. I don’t like Sampras, even though he’s the #1 seed in the world, but the extra mechanics, the extra consistency, the winning and losing, all with one expression, makes it seem like there’s a lack of passion, and it’s no wonder that fewer people are looking for him to advertise, the dude’s appeal is almost there. My favorite is Agassi, who used to wear long shawl hair, but now he has a bald head with small earrings. He’s not very consistent, he’s up and down, but the main guy is explosive, has a personality, and can’t be stopped sometimes when he’s playing crazy.
In addition to playing and watching football, I am also a netizen who frequents Internet cafes and computer rooms, reads sports commentaries and curses on the Internet, and I use more than 100 screen names in chat rooms. I am particularly impressed by the many warriors in Silicon Valley, one of the founders of Sun, the inventor of JAVA language, Bill (note to laymen, not Bill Gates), Netscape’s Andersen, and Yahoo’s Yang Zhiyuan. I wouldn’t want to meet Microsoft, their processes are written in such a way that other companies have to be compatible with them, and they are also pushy. I’m from the linux school.
After school, I help people fling machine, to the Zhongguancun walk da circle, sell some hardware and software, income is not bad, how it is also a well-off level. Half a year’s time, I added to my own Palm Pilot and digital camera.
As for schoolwork, it’s just a matter of getting through graduation anyway. Some of the people in my class are playing TOEFL, talking nonsense all day long, and already dreaming of running away to the United States of America before they’ve even been to school for a few days.
Others are keen on “picking up girls”.
I’m not interested in either of those things. I haven’t had enough fun in this country, so why am I rushing out? As for the girls, I don’t think they’re as fun as basketball, and I’m happy to give them nicknames.
The dormitory under the Zhang Yuan once crowded to me said: “Feifei, your buddy is also considered a handsome guy, how come the girls never cold ah? Are you pretending, or is there something wrong with you? You’re not interested in females?”
Bullshit. I thought to myself: a man’s ambition in all directions, all day long soaked in women, only know to play children’s love, what is the interest! I don’t care to answer Zhang Yuan.
Speaking of Zhang Yuan, I naturally want to talk about our dormitory. 622 dormitories live in a total of eight people, from all over the world. Simply divided: four northerners, four southerners. I am from the south, grew up in the north, so I put myself in the north. Recently, I was honored to be democratically elected as the 622 dormitory of the village master. I am very hygienic, and I am most annoyed by the stupid people who don’t take a bath and smell like soy sauce. Since I became the master of the village, the hygiene of the village rules, our dormitory is quite conscientious, most people wash underwear and socks every day. A girl’s cousin from the countryside said that our dormitory was cleaner than the girls’ dormitory after a night’s stay. This was true, and the red flag of hygiene was always left behind the door of our dormitory.
Our dormitory building at 11:00 p.m. to turn off the lights, but it is not difficult for us, this group of science students, we stole the wire, from the support of mosquito nets in the bamboo poles through the in, God does not know, the ghosts, has never been found out. After lights out, we each pull their own curtains, lights a open, do their own thing, not happy. Some of us like a few huddled around arching pigs and upgrading. Generally I do not get involved, unless three short of one, I only give the rescue bureau. At this time I mostly like to read foreign racing, tennis, soccer magazines, listen to my CD.
Since I entered college, I have bought no less than 500 rock CDs, and I am especially supportive of the rock business in China. Who let me did not resist the pressure of my parents, in order to fame, fortune and career, did not do the rock buddies thing it. It’s hard to atone for my unkindness and unrighteousness, even if I spend more money. Nowadays, “Monk” also has a place in the Beijing rock world, counting the “newcomers” in the “new star”, we may have forgotten that I changed the lead singer thing.
Nowadays, I don’t play rock and roll myself except to listen to it and hold it up, I play sports most of the time.
I have a lot of pictures of racing cars hanging on my bed, and I don’t like to be like Zhang Yuan, who hangs all the pictures of actresses, posing, with their clothes half-removed, and their big mouths the color of the pig’s liver I ate.
At eleven o’clock, the general dormitory building locks its doors, and those who study hard and those who go out to pick up girls are all back. In the evening, everyone lies on their respective On, began to blow the nonsense.
Zhang Yuan was usually the protagonist of the evening seminars, he loved to talk about chicks and tell yellow jokes, our physiological education probably came from him. He often proudly show his and chick that thing, a past person tone, the other room are listening to silly.
There are a few noodle gourds who spend all day complaining about whoever made him miserable, whoever inexplicably suddenly ignored him, dumped him, and so on. Let the girl to get like this, know taste? Zhang Yuan often points out the way for these little brothers who are not good at picking up chicks, and they all take his words as holy orders.
In the dormitory we love to talk about is a class called Lili chick. That girl love to learn, a fake positive kind, speak thin sound, with preschool children, of course, looks is tender, in science school, should be considered a rare animal, but nothing remarkable. But the school also really have a bunch of no good boys, set up a pursuit of Lili foundation, each person paid 50 dollars, a total of more than thirty people. Whichever one catches up with Lili is the final winner of the fund. Every day who and Lili on a few words, will be a dormitory a dormitory scurry, when the big news like a show sale.
That night, the conversation again centered around Lilly.
“Why does Lilly always dress so plain?”
“What do you know? People’s clothes are all name brands. What they wear is classy and fine.”
“High-ranking cadres, in the end, are different from those who come from our common people’s homes.”
“Have you guys noticed? Sensei Chenna, no matter how much she messes with the folds, puts on a super-short skirt and smears her face, and when she stops in front of Lili, she’s immediately a step behind.”
“It’s called temperament. A woman’s temperament is important.”
“I heard that a director wanted to make a movie about college students. After walking around our school for a while, he picked Lili, but had Lili turn it down.”
“Have you noticed that our teachers are all pretty chummy with Lili?”
“And it’s not because of her powerful old man?”
“However, I think Lili seems to love to keep a distance from everyone, always looking mysterious. What’s wrong with having an official father? It’s just these days! My old man was a small general! But he was a Nationalist, so he never got up.”
We all joked about it again, Lilly long and Lilly short.
I don’t usually participate in pleadings about girls, at most I listen to them. If people talk about the Taiwan Strait crisis, the World Cup or the information superhighway or whatever, I might chip in.
Their conversation has already made me doze off, and I usually fall asleep before everyone else is still stinking poor. Good steel is good, I’ll save my energy for the pitch.
Let’s talk about this year’s School Day Cup soccer tournament, our department won the championship again. I, the striker, dunked into the radio department three goals, on the field in a big way, and won the title of best player. I was so proud of myself that I invited a dozen or so of my buddies to have a meal at the newly opened Brazilian barbecue restaurant.
When my cousin found out that I was the best player, he sent me a Prince racket as a gift from the US.
After I got the racket, I was very hot. During the lunch break, everyone was taking a nap, the campus was quiet, but I couldn’t sleep because I was so burnt, so I slipped out alone with my racket on my back, found an empty wall of a building and started practicing tennis. I didn’t know how to play, but when I swung the ball, Agassi’s posture appeared in my mind, fantasizing that I was him.
But this tennis ball thing isn’t as good as I thought it would be, and every time I put some effort into it, the balls went flying. One, two, three, one by one, they all fell into the grove next to the building. There was still a layer of barbed wire between the grove and the building, so I had to climb over the barbed wire to find the balls.
This bush is usually no one to go, it is full of weeds and cobwebs, there is a smell of urine, mosquitoes, and some people threw some toilet paper. I thought to myself: “Come on, don’t look for it, it’s just a few tennis balls, right?
Buy a new one and forget about it.
I was about to turn around when there was a gasping sound in the distance, similar to that of a tennis match when the players are playing hard. I wondered: who would be playing at this time? I had a feeling that something was wrong, but it was too late. I saw them, a man and a woman, between the trees.
The woman’s legs were hooked at the man’s ass and the man’s back was facing me. The woman jerked like she was electrocuted, her head thrown back, making strange noises that I didn’t know if they were of pain or pleasure. Her sharp eyes spotted me right away, and she was shaking all over while squinting at me, not hostile or panicked in those eyes, but sharp enough to send chills down my spine. Then the male looked back at me as well, his two large nostrils flaring like a hippopotamus at the zoo.
I immediately run back, ran back to the dormitory in one breath, only to realize that the racket was left outside, and then ran back to pick up a trip, and finally returned to the dormitory out of breath. I head into my bed, can not move. The afternoon class, also did not go on, all body weakness can not get up.
Lying on my back, I stared up at the ceiling. My nose was filled with the smell of urine from the grove, a smell that made me dizzy and heartbroken. The room was stuffy and hot, and someone’s desk fan, which I had left on, was whirring, making a monotonous, annoying sound. The clock was ticking as if it was on its way out. On the ceiling, there was a black dot that looked like a house centipede, and a big fly was hanging around in front of me, looking like it needed to be beaten up.
I closed my eyes and the look of the woman shivering while staring at me with squinted eyes came back. It was a really weird look, something I’d never seen before in my life, mouth half-open, head tilted back, couldn’t tell if it was good or bad, and that piercing light in her eyes.
Is it her? Is it really her? I thought, but immediately dismissed myself. It can’t be! I must be wrong, how could it be her? That “dream girl” of the boys, that arrogant and cold Lin Lili? How could she do such a thing? And in such a filthy place with such a filthy butcher?
That man, I can not see wrong, his one a She turned upward hippopotamus nostrils, I am burnt to ashes can not forget. He is the school’s famous ugly monster, the cafeteria food master “big bull’s-eye”. Because he had a pair of surprisingly large and bulging eyes and a strong body like a cow, everyone gave him the nickname “big bull’s eyes”. This butcher was from some village, and he couldn’t speak well, and he always spoke in a muffled voice. Said he is a difficult household, no one does not believe, but I do not know when, he also hooked up with girls?
On this night the boys began another plea about Lilly. This night, I didn’t doze off and consciously listened.
It was Zhang Yuan who started it again: “I think this Lili is really not a good person to chase after.”
“How?” Wang Xiaofang immediately interjected.
“All the other girls are on the pole when they see me. This chick, I’ve asked her out to dinner three times, and this time I let her push me off.”
“What did she say?” Liu Ming in Shanghai asked.
“She told me she was going to tutor that foreigner in our department in Chinese today.”
“I heard from Ranzi that the foreigner is also chasing Lili! And he’s chasing her pretty hard. One letter a day in English and one in Chinese with pinyin.” Wang Xiaofang reported the newly heard inside news.
“That foreigner couldn’t be a spy sent over by the American Empire to get close to the children of our country’s leaders for the purpose of gathering intelligence, right?” Ah Liang asked.
“You guys don’t stray too far. Let’s just say she’s not using a foreigner as a shield to excuse us from Brother Zhang, right?” Fatty interrupted everyone.
“I don’t know whether it’s an excuse or not, we’re not the worms in people’s stomachs. Anyway, I look at this Lili’s old high and mighty look, why do we have to keep looking for her. I think there are a lot of chicks who are better looking than her in other schools, and they are much better than her.” Fang Fang interjected.
“You don’t understand. The harder it is to chase, the more exciting it is to chase. If you get a hold of her as soon as you chase her, or if she throws herself at you again, won’t you lose the sense of accomplishment?” Ah Liang would learn from Zhang Yuan’s usual manner of talking like a man who has been there before.
“We haven’t seen a few chicks that can give our Prawn Zhang a headache, it looks like an expert has met an expert this time.”
“The way I see it, you’re all toads trying to eat swan meat. I don’t see how serious Lili is about taking notes in class every day, and when she stays in the computer room, it’s all afternoon. People’s minds are on learning, not at all on you birds.” Shandong’s Laixi said.
“Isn’t it true that the more innocent you are, the more attractive you are?” Fatty summarized.
I listened to them talk about Lili, heart thought: I must have blurred eyes, look at the wrong, that and “big bull’s-eye” together with the woman doing that thing is certainly not everyone is now talking about this “pure love” Lili. How did these two get together? What’s going on? Who cares? Let’s go to sleep first!
The next day, I bumped into Lilly in class, where we were in a group. As usual, she blandly nodded and said hello to me, one of her male classmates, nothing special. I also pressed on to reconnect her with what I had seen in the grove.
By the time the evening meal rolled around, I bumped into her again. She was also in line at the little stove at meal time, right in front of me. We both asked for the same dish, but I noticed that the portion for her bowl was noticeably larger than that for me and the others. When I looked up, I realized that the chef was no other than the “big bull’s-eye” with big nostrils and two big eyes!
Later, I have noticed many times, every time the meal, Lili queue behind the window standing is “big bull’s-eye”, and “big bull’s-eye” wrist every time so technical a flick, Lili’s bowl than others more than half a spoonful of food, if it is a lion’s head, Lili If it is a lion head, Lili will have two more pills than others, there seems to be a tacit understanding between them. Could it be that I wasn’t wrong last time? I muttered in my heart. But, how is this possible? I still can’t figure it out, does Lili really owe that half bowl of food?
However, I still did not take this matter too seriously, anyway, I will not find Lili as a wife in the future, her affairs and her person is an angel or devil and I do not get along. I still should play soccer, should give people fling machine fling machine, the body to the training of great, the bank also continue to come into the account, life is quite enjoyable.
My next goal is to add a ride for myself, I’ve got my eye on a little Honda motorcycle, but it needs a small investment from the old man at this point.
One day, when I had almost forgotten all about the episode in the grove, that big, burly, dirt-cheeked Bullseye called to me from the playground.
“Hey, you, that’s you.” He tugged at me, a butcher’s savage look on his face.
“It was you the other day, wasn’t it? I’ve been trying to find you. I’m here to tell you that if you’re out there talking shit about her or bullying her, I’ll kill you!” He said in a muffled voice.
“Big Bull’s Eye” is the kind of village man who is a brute and will fight to the death, and you can tell. If you hold a red cloth in front of him, he’ll probably start head-butting people. But why should I be afraid of him? Who’s afraid of who these days?
I have never thought to spread other people’s things, but this girl dared to threaten me in broad daylight, fuck, what do you take me for a human being? I pointed to this guy’s nose, began to curse: “You girl enough bull! Done hooliganism, but also dare to come here to threaten the witness? That day I didn’t send you to the Public Security Bureau on the spot, that’s my mercy. Now you’re not at home thinking about your life, but you’re playing Rigeling with me! I think you’re tired of living!”
The more Ox Eye listened, nostrils flared wider and wider, obviously being scolded by me fire. When I was not prepared, he stepped forward, ruthlessly carried my neck collar, which is definitely aggression plus provocative action. I immediately anxious, the hall of men, how to be insulted!
“What? You want to get rough?” I immediately wrapped my arms around his neck and stared into his bulging eyes, “I’m telling you, I’m worried that I won’t have a chance to practice my skills! Let’s find a place where no one else is around… I’m going to beat the shit out of you.”
“You, you…” Da Niu’s eyes were glazed over with anger, and he was so angry that he stumbled over his words.
The two of us just like this stalemate, full of red face, nose tip to nose tip, big eyes to small eyes, like two red-eyed cockfighting. In this touch-and-go time, the roadside a few students over to fight: “cough, we have to talk to each other!” “Let’s make peace, let’s make peace.” They pulled us apart from the center.
Seeing that he was surrounded by students and that there were no workers or peasants to defend him, the “big bull’s-eye” cursed and left. When I was stopped by others, I looked at his back and kicked the dirt on the ground while shouting angrily, “I’ll fuck you up!”
The more I thought about it after Niu Da-eye left, the angrier I got. What’s going on here? What did I do to him? I didn’t answer him, but he came to me and made a fool of me! He made me suffer like this! I really want to fight with him on the ground, so that I can relieve this anger in my heart.
That scene in the woods makes my heart skip a beat when I think about it. I don’t know why, but I began to be angry with that woman. This cheap bitch, doing that kind of dirty work with a barbaric and unenlightened old cow! Shame on her. She’s fucking scared of Zhang Yang, why wasn’t she scared when she was getting fucked? That “big bull’s eye” must have taken advantage of that slut a lot, or how can he be faithful and die like a dog!
When I returned to the dormitory at night, my brothers asked me with concern.
“I heard you almost got into a chokehold with the big bullseye in the cafeteria today. How’d ya get in your way?”
“It’s not a big deal, it’s not even worth mentioning. He just apologized.” I said lightly.
“Dare to call the shots with our village master, Ya enough incitement. Do you want a few brothers to help you destroy the girl?” Wang Xiaofang took the initiative to fight.
“Right. We’re worried that we don’t have anywhere to vent our frustrations! There are no movements, revolutions or marches these days, so we’re tired of it!” Ah Liang was also incited, speaking his Beijing dialect, which still had a slight Shanghai flavor.
“Yes, brothers help our Walled City Lord to set this right!” With that said, everyone grouped together.
I said to them, “I have set this matter right myself.”
“In the future, if you dare to make another stab, inform your brothers!” Wang Xiaofang said.
“That’s for sure.” I said.
In the evening, by my stall as a lead, somehow, everyone’s box of words one by one have opened. Each began to count the heroics of the group fight, are their own heroic, or brick others open, or a sweeping leg will trip others a “dog gnawing mud” and so on, while others are always creepy and water, I do not know whether it is true or not. Even that shy belly, wearing thick glasses Wang Xiaofang also have the courage to fight with the United Defense heroic deeds. Come to think of it, all these years, I really haven’t been on the battlefield much. Maybe once.
It was my second year in junior high school, probably in the summer, and I took the bus to go to summer cram school. The bus was crowded and the weather was hot, so I couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable. I was carrying my school bag behind me, holding the handrail on the top of the bus with one hand, and carrying the rice that my mom had brought for me with the other hand, which was very embarrassing. In fact, my dad had a Santana at that time, but just do not send me.
“I’m not used to your bad habits.” Every time I asked him to drive me to school, my dad would always tell me in such a serious manner, as if the car was owned by the public and he was afraid that I would take advantage of the public. In fact, he bought it himself.
That day, from the Hujia Lou stop, up came a few ruffians, seventeen or eight years old. Probably looking at me as a young junior high school student, they whistled in front of me, blowing straight into my face. There is a worse, the car is clearly written “no smoking”, but he spit smoke rings on me. I would have liked to hold back, good man but not before the loss, I sat for three or four stops and got off. Then the smell of smoke is really choking, I coughed up the staff, the few ruffians even laughed.
“Don’t you see it says no smoking?” I couldn’t help but snap at them after I stopped coughing on my cane and got a little upset.
“How come you’re the only one in this car who’s okay? I smoke, how dare you?” The gangster was teasing me.
“Why are you spitting smoke rings at me?”
“It’s you I’m spitting on. What can you do to me?”
I don t know how to answer, I only feel a hot blood surging to my brain, I didn t say anything, I copied the right hand rice bib toward the gangster s head and swung. My rice bowl is not steel. Only heard “when” a sound, blood immediately from the gangster’s nose flowed out. The people around him were caught off guard by this scene dumbfounded, did not have time to react, heard a passenger shouted: “Hooligans fight! Go to the Public Security Bureau.”
That punch me spit smoke rings of the Lord, while wiping the blood on the nose, while wanting to fight with me, he punched over, reactive me, with a lunch box a block, his fist smashed in the not steel rice bowl. At this time, a few men came over to pull us away from the hard, the few ruffians did not have the opportunity to lay hands on me. The scallops in my lunch box fell out at some point, and the whole crowded bus was filled with the smell of fried scallops drove to the police station.
Although it was proved that they had recruited me first, the police station asked the school to pick me up because I had seen blood. After the school teacher took me back, the whole school reported that I was criticized for fighting in a group. And precisely because of this report, I did once in the school really no one dares to mess with the hero, and even have senior students to join me. When I think about it, it was a great story.
After the incident of “big bull’s eye”, the final exams are coming, everyone is like an enemy, at night in their own tents to read this semester have not turned over the textbook, rarely have a plea meeting again. I don’t steal the ball field anymore, but the library and study room seats.
For three weeks, like everyone else, I spent my time in the computer room, doing math problems, and looking miserable…
On the day of the last exam, we were like poor Jews liberated from the Nazi concentration camps, finally free. We hugged each other, screamed at the top of our lungs, tore up notebooks and textbooks, and threw the syllabus around like a flying saucer, much like the way fans do when there’s a riot.
I had been messing around for a while and was about to leave the classroom to go to the restroom when I heard someone call my name, a girl’s voice. I had barely spoken to a girl in the past semester, so I thought I had heard it wrong and didn’t care. But then there was another “Chen Fei”, this time loud and clear.
I looked back and it was Lilly. She called my name in front of the whole class and walked towards me from the very back of the classroom without moving, and I could feel the shock that her move caused to the people around her. Mind you, her every move attracted the attention of the group. I didn’t understand why she wanted me? I had nothing to do with her.
“What for?” I asked.
“I’ll meet you at the west gate this afternoon.” She said.
I listened and froze: why would she want to talk to me? Before I could react, she was gone, not needing my answer. As soon as she left, the classroom immediately exploded, and the guys all gathered around.
“When the hell did you get it on with Lilly?”
“Seeing that you usually don’t say anything, it turns out that you have already taken care of it. High, really high!”
“What’s going on here? She’s probably calling the wrong person!” I tried my best to clear my name, but no one believed me.
Zhang Yuan patted me on the shoulder and said in a serious tone, “It seems that the prize money of our foundation is going to fall into your hands. Do a good job, buddy, I swear, will never choke your line!” I listened, the heart directly complained: “I’m jumping into the Yellow River can not wash it!”
I went back to my dorm and started packing my bags so I could bump home tomorrow. While I was packing, I was figuring out if I should resume the meeting in the afternoon. I really don’t have much experience in dealing with women. And this Lili, it seems that it may be an expert, I don’t want to fall into her hands. Should I go or not? I thought about it and decided that I should go, to see what kind of drugs this Lili is selling. Besides, what can she do to me? If I do not go, do not call people laugh? I hall Chen Fei, can still let a woman of the generation to scare not? Thinking of this, I made up my mind.
Fifty-eight minutes past one. I arrived at the school gate. At two o’clock sharp, Lilly showed up right on time, wearing a flowery skirt that I almost didn’t recognize because she usually always wore pants. When she saw me, she smiled at me, very easygoing and sweet, a bit of a contrast from her usual cold and serious look in the school. At that moment, I thought she did look quite cute.
I didn’t know if I should grin back at her or say something. I thought for a moment and said, “What can I do for you?” I asked politely, showing full respect for women.
“Will you come with me?” She asked me, cocking her head.
“You’re asking me to come with you here?” I asked her.
She nodded her head. I almost let out a snort of amusement when I saw her do that. She probably didn’t realize that I was actually quoting a line from Cui’s “Nothing”. After all, not many people our age know about Cui Jian.
What I mean is: the song was originally sung by a man to a woman to let her go with him, but now we are putting the cart before the horse and I have to go with her, isn’t that a bit abnormal?
“Where am I going with you?” I scratched my scalp, kind of in a dilemma.
“To my house.” She said, then started to turn around and walk forward.
I stood back, even more confused. Why did you go to your house? I wanted to ask. But I didn’t. Forget it. Don’t bother. Think of it as an adventure. She’s a famous person. She’s not going to sell me, is she?
I followed behind her, with some distance between us, and we didn’t say much more.
She cut off a cab on the road and we got in. “Backstreets of Kingston.” She said.
Listened to the dormitory people said that her family lived in the back streets of Jingshan, said that they are all national leaders live in the place, are more than five rooms, there are doormen standing guard, and twenty-four hours of hot water supply and so on.
Cab is parked in the moat behind the Forbidden City, Lili paid the money, I did not argue with her, she had a master-like, so I feel like a woman. I followed her back, turning east and west, there is a kind of mysterious feeling. In a hutong in the innermost part of a large red door before Lili stopped, the red door is surrounded by a high courtyard wall, there are a few trees inside the branches of the tree stretched to the outside, in front of the door stood a soldier wearing white gloves, he saw us, saluted.
“Here it is.” She said and pushed the door for me to enter.
I was a little hesitant. What would I say if her parents were there?
“My parents are out of the country and no one is home.” She whispered to me as if she had read my mind. I felt uneasy at her sharpness and I hurried in.
Inside was a quadrangle-like building, we entered and stood in the courtyard. There was a fountain spraying water in the center of the courtyard and a grape arbor with white chairs and tables underneath.
She took me into the living room, the main house. She poured me a glass of water and we still didn’t speak. I looked around, Chinese paintings, rattan chairs, screens, all in ancient style, not luxurious, but not poor either.
I was sitting in an old-fashioned taiwanese chair, feeling my butt quite rested, and before I could sit still, the phone rang, startling me. Lili did not pick up, let the phone ring to death. I thought: this is if the state or her parents from abroad called long-distance it?
Only Lili went to the window and looked out for a short while, as if she was thinking. Then, she gently screwed the shutters shut, the house immediately dimmed down, in broad daylight is so dark, let a person have a kind of abnormal feeling. My eyes came in from the big sun land and had not yet adapted to it, I only felt a darkness in front of me. When I had adapted to the dark light, I realized that Lili had disappeared.
Where did she go? She didn’t come out for half a day. I was alone in the living room to look around, I found that the living room and the two sides of the room is connected, so I was curious to walk over to see. Hanging on both sides of the corridor were pictures of Lili’s father and guests from various countries.
I heard the water, Lilly seemed to be in the shower and was humming a pop song. It was hot enough that she must have gotten hot, so she ran to the bathhouse before she could talk.
As I was thinking about it, Lili had already come out of the bathroom, and it was too late for me to retreat to the living room. I saw her head wrapped in a towel, wearing a white bathrobe, her face flushed. She leaned against the door, looking at me, this action reminds me of the American movie star Elizabeth Taylor’s stills posted on the wall of the next Zhang Yuan. It seems that women will look at people with their heads and asses tilted this way, and I was a little embarrassed by her stare.
“Should I… should I take off my shoes?” I asked cautiously as I looked at her face, trying to break the silence.
She didn’t say anything at first, just looked at me blankly, making me feel unnatural. Then she grinned at me, revealing her white, straight teeth, and waved me over : “You come with me.” Once again, I must admit that she does look cute and touching when she smiles. She asked me to follow her again, and I was confused as if I was under a spell, I couldn’t see anything on either side of me but her, and her white teeth. I followed her, not knowing where she would take me, dead or alive, I just had to admit it.
She guided me into the bathroom and closed the door behind her, we stood face to face in the foggy bathroom, I could hear her breath coming out. I’d never been this close to a girl before, and I didn’t look at Lily, I didn’t dare, and suddenly the thumping of a tennis ball against the wall was in my ears.
The voice. For some reason, I couldn’t get rid of this voice, it was echoing in my ears like a demon.
“Yeah, you should take off your shoes.” She began to speak at me, her eyes glowing in a way I had never seen before. She continued, “And you should take off your clothes, strip naked.”
Her words were so direct that I blushed, so ashamed that I wanted to pull my legs out and run. But, can I be so worthless? If I let this kind of thing scare me away, won’t my reputation be ruined for the rest of my life? I stiffened up and pretended to be sophisticated.
She began to gently undress me as I stood motionless, her fingers occasionally touching my body, giving me a tawdry heat, and I was embarrassed to realize that my bottom had begun to change, and I was terrified that she would see it.
When she started to unbuckle my belt, I wanted to stop her, to say, “No, I’ll do it myself,” but I couldn’t say anything, I just flinched and didn’t dare move. The thumping sound of the tennis ball against the wall began to sound like thunder.
I finally stood naked, not a stitch on, in front of Lilly. I’m afraid this is the most embarrassing time of my life, she must have clearly seen the changes that have taken place in my lower body, what will she think of me?
She looked at me: “Is it a shower or a tub?” Her voice was so calm that I was ashamed of my nervousness.
“Whatever.” I said in a pretense of relief. I kept my head down and didn’t look at her.
“Shower then, a quick shower.” She said.
All this time, she was in control of the situation, and I felt like a child with no ideas, at the mercy of an adult.
Her shower was clear and I stepped in and pulled the glass door closed. I ran the water very cold, hoping the cool water would clear my head. I realized that while I was washing, she was out there surveying me. She had put on music at some point, quaint, probably one of those New Age whatever-it-is playthings, and I finished my shower to that music, under her gaze.
She handed me the light green towel, it was big, thick, and had a light scent. I wiped my hair with the towel and then quickly wrapped it around my waist.
Then I followed Lilly into a sleeping room, as if it was her parents’, the curtains were mopped and drawn tight, and the bedside table lamp glowed dimly. I couldn’t tell day from night at this point, or where. I hadn’t known why she wanted me to come home with her from the start, and now I couldn’t find out even more!
Lilly gestured for me to sit on the bed, then she shook her bathrobe off on the carpet and faced me naked.
It was the first time in my life that I had ever looked at a girl’s body, and I immediately turned my head away. What to do? I’m really riding the fence now.
“What are you afraid of, it’s not like I’m going to eat you!” Her voice was still thin as usual, but with a little more shyness.
“I’m not scared.” I quipped back with bravado, making a point to squint at her some more. I wanted to prove to her that a woman’s body was nothing for me to be afraid to look at. But her feminine features still made me shiver and tingle.
“Was it your first time?” Lilly asked me very directly.
I nodded, not having the strength to speak.
She grabbed my hands, then gently pulled them and put them over her breasts, and I touched something hot and soft. The feeling was amazing, but I didn’t know what to do next, and I tried to remember some of the details that the boys in the dorm had told me about, I tried to mimic it, but I couldn’t remember anything. At that moment, “Thump, thump, thump”, the sound of a tennis ball hitting the wall became louder and louder between my ears and began to vibrate my eardrums. I suddenly had a vision that I was holding two tennis balls in my hands.
Yet I didn’t pull my hand back, and that’s where my adventure began. That, I finally did, on the day after my freshman exams, at the home of a certain leader, with his only daughter.
I have since said goodbye to my virginity.
I left Lili’s house at 6:00 p.m. She walked me out the door. As I was leaving, I couldn’t hold it in and finally asked her, “Why me?”
She tilted her head and looked at me, thought for a moment, and then uttered the words that have been echoing in my ears ever since: “Because you’re tight-lipped.”
I couldn’t help but cringe as I listened, an answer I hadn’t even dreamed of anticipating.
She continued, “People like us can only socialize with people who have a tight mouth.”
“Just for being tight-lipped?” I still can’t believe that’s her answer.
She bit her lip and added, “And because you’re a good boy.”
I didn’t say anything else, I had to hurry back, my roommates and I had plans to meet for dinner at 7pm.
I stopped a cab and left Lilly’s house like a runaway, I didn’t even look back at her. I sat in the car and looked at my shoes, pants and shirt, they were exactly the same as when I arrived. But me, I was never the same again, I had already done that with the girl!
I remembered what Lili had said: “Because you’re tight-lipped.” In that case, she was the one I saw in the grove that day with the “big bull’s-eye”. In fact, this is what I already expected but did not want to believe. When she led me into the bathroom, when she made the same gasping sound in front of me, I already knew that I hadn’t been wrong that day. But why was this? Why with the brash Bullseye? Was it also because he had a big mouth? Then why me? Why me? Why me? To shut me up?
I remembered the scene in the grove and the way Lilly had twitched and stared at me with squinted eyes. I couldn’t tell if the feeling was one of heart or excitement or both, but the feeling that immediately followed was dizziness.
At this time, the car encountered a red light, the driver said in a bad mood: “Another fucking red light, this day has been bad luck.”
The car, with all its stops and starts, made me drowsy, and with the fatigue and dizziness, I leaned against the back of the car and fell asleep in no time. By the time I got to the restaurant, it was already seven thirty. When it was time to pay, I realized that my wallet was missing, I don’t know if I didn’t bring it with me, or I left it at Lili’s house. Just at this time in the door waiting for people Wang Xiaoban saw me, solve my emergency, borrowed me fifty dollars to pay the bill.
“What took you so long to get here? People think you’re a big fan of sex and forgot about your buddies? Everyone is holding out for you to treat them!” Wang Xiaofang said while leading me to the small single room in the pavilion.
Everyone arrived and as soon as they saw me, they all started clapping.
“Quickly report back to your brothers on the results of the battle.” People started asking questions before I even sat down.
“Let’s all just order first, I’m starving and deserted!” I tried to be vocal.
“Can you not be hungry after an afternoon of exercise? It’s more tiring than playing soccer for the whole game, right!” Zhang Yuan started to undermine me.
“I see you’re weak enough too, are you losing weight? Do you need to make up for it?” Liu Ming followed suit and squeezed me.
“Alright, order the food first. Everyone has waited for Chen Fei so long that he’s almost passed out from hunger, it’s not too late to find him later.” Wang Xiaofang stepped in and blocked the way for me.
Everyone ordered food, sort of leaving me a little time to prepare how to deal with everyone’s curiosity. I’m not the kind of person that Zhang Yuan is, who can talk about that in front of everyone and be proud of it. But I can’t escape, these guys are like wolves like tigers, a few more beers later, the colorful ones will come out! I thought, can not help but some fidgety up. Finally, the heart of a cross, I’ll give up today, do back to the Communist Party, is dead or alive are not loose lips.
We drank a case of beer that day, and they took turns pouring it into me, making me so drunk that I vomited my guts out. But every time I was asked about it, I told them to “use your own imagination”, and never gave a damn, but my mind was full of Lili.
That night was supposed to be my treat, but I couldn’t find my wallet, so Fatty Wang padded it for me first.
Because I was so sharply drunk, Fatty and Laixi racked me back to the dormitory. I slept until the afternoon of the next day and went home for the summer vacation at night. The first two days I went home, I slept at home. To the third day, at noon, I received a package, but no sender address, inside is my lost wallet, with the wallet sent with a small card, printed with lipstick prints, bright and piercing color, lip skin lines clearly visible.
I was in a trance for days as I faced Cass. I didn’t dare to look at my parents, I always avoided them and didn’t talk to them much. They probably thought I was stupid for going to college. In order to get away from me, my mom took me to “New Malaysia and Thailand” for 10 days.
After returning to China, I was selling computers at a friend’s company that my dad found for me, and I went there for three hours a day, and the rest of the time I was always at a loss. The ball was played less than when I was in school, my classmates were lazy, and I spent more time watching boring TV, playing video games, or boring myself to death.
Sometimes the scene at Lili’s house pops into my head, her smile, her breath, her voice, her eyes, her lips, and I find that I miss her a little bit, her beauty and gentleness, and I don’t know if I’m falling in love with her a little bit. But whenever I think of the words she said to me: “Because you have a tight mouth”, I feel like I’m being tricked, and I think she’s the kind of bad girl who loves to seduce boys, as my middle school teacher said. The thought of her with Bullseye gave me goose bumps and made me want to scream. At that moment, I felt ashamed of my closeness to her.
During that summer, I realized that I was starting to pay some attention to girls. Sometimes I would wander down the street and watch them pass by, and occasionally I would have a bad thought, imagining them that way with their clothes off and naked.
During the summer between my freshman and sophomore years, I also started poring over magazines and ephemera like Popular Medicine and the Family Medical Handbook at the district library. I realized that I had gotten worse, I had become less witty and dashing than I used to be, and I was now bad and foolish.
The long summer vacation was wasted in this haphazard, blind fumbling.
School has started again and I’m a sophomore. I saw her Lilly again who I didn’t know if I was missing or hating.
One summer, she grew her hair out and wore it in a ponytail style, which made her look quite youthful, and I realized that she was indeed a pretty girl. I wanted to treat her naturally and casually, but I realized that I couldn’t. I don’t dare to look at her, I avoided her everywhere, and she seemed to not care at all, as if nothing had happened. She gave me the same bland nod as she did with the other boys, and her calmness made me even more overwhelmed.
In our dorm, the plebiscite is no longer all about Lilly. Although sometimes I’d love to hear the guys talk about Lilly, the interest seems to shift to the new first year girls who are new to the school, and it’s all about them all day long.
Until one day, Wang Xiaofang announced to everyone in the dormitory: “Guess what? Lili is going to participate in the school’s beauty contest!”
“This is huge news. I believe in anyone who participates in beauty pageants, but only her, I don’t believe it!” Zhang Yuan said.
“I don’t believe it either.”
“I don’t believe it either.” Everyone agreed.
This is indeed a surprising news. After the beginning of the school year, the beauty contest organized by the school committee had been boycotted by many girls in the school. They said that intellectual women do not do such vulgar things. And Lili, who never showed off and did not participate in social activities, made everyone think that she was a person who did not care about such things as beauty pageants.
“None of you would have guessed that Lili would have pandered, would you? I wouldn’t have thought so either. But don’t all women love beauty?
Besides, people, they all have hot-headed moments bey. Brother Fei, don’t you think so?” Wang Xiaofang said while staring at me with ulterior motives.
“What does it matter to us if she does what she wants?” I said as I spun my new soccer ball in my hand, purposely acting indifferent.
The pageant ended up going ahead. Over a hundred girls from the school signed up and ten made it to the finals, Lilly was one of the ten.
The final of the beauty pageant was held in the school auditorium, sold more than 1,500 sitting tickets, more than 500 standing tickets, it seems to be really love of beauty, all people have. I bought a sitting ticket, it is and Zhang Yuan queued up all afternoon to buy. I actually understood in my heart why I had to put this together, after all, I failed to do so without taking her seriously, and there was no way I could deny that.
The host of the finals was a second-rate CCTV host, and the judging panel consisted of foreign experts from the school, professors from the art and physical education departments, the head of the State Education Commission, and outside movie actors, directors, aesthetics experts, and painters. It seems that the school still spent a lot of effort, probably to reverse the prejudice against girls in science schools!
The competition began with a skills show first. Some candidates sang, some recited poems and some danced modern dances.
When it came to Lili, she took off her usual ponytail and spread her long hair, wore a white saree, and came out with a flute in her hand. She played a tune called “Green Sleeves”, and Zhang Yuan, who was next to me, with green eyes and a gaping mouth, whispered to me that Lili’s flute-playing, long-haired look was like that of an innocent maiden in a romance novel.
Then she played a piano piece, the name of which I can’t remember, a long list of foreign names. I listened to her on stage with all the dark audience, but for some reason, all I could hear was the sound of tennis balls thumping on the floor and walls. I alternated between the “innocent girl” playing the piano in front of me and the degraded woman in the grove with the “big bull’s-eye” in my head, and I thought to myself: “Alas! How could they be the same person? Lili, what kind of woman is she?
After the skills show, it was time for the candidates to appear in their various outfits, starting with evening gowns. I would have stopped paying attention to the other contestants by now, just waiting for Lili to make her appearance. She wore a black strapless evening gown, and to paraphrase Zhang Yuan, it was the kind of gown worn by actresses at the Oscars. As soon as Lili appeared on stage, the applause underneath was obviously warmer than when the other contestants appeared. Lili, who was wearing a black card-waisted gown, had her long hair coiled into a roll at the back of her head at the moment. “See, this is called gracefulness.” Zhang Yuan clapped his hands while commenting at me.
Then there are the multiple appearances of the contestant in casual clothing, work suits, and more to follow. Each time, Lili appeared in a completely new image, and I was already beginning to be overwhelmed by the contrasts and variations she had created in such a short period of time.
Finally, all the so-called beauties made their appearance in swimsuits, and I saw Lili’s mature body and lines. I looked at her from a distance in the darkened audience, and she seemed so distant on the stage. Thinking of her warm body heat, of my intimacy with her in her parents’ bed, I felt like everything was a dream. Had anything really happened between us? Why does she seem so far away in front of me? Will there be a future for me and her?
After the swimsuit debut, the so-called “beauties” answered questions on the spot in both English and Chinese. The question asked by the host was: “What kind of woman is the most beautiful?”
Some say it’s the beauty of the heart plus the appearance, while others say it’s the purity and flawlessness of a woman who is the most beautiful. When it came to Lili, she answered too quickly in English at first, similar to the speed of an English station broadcaster, and I felt clouded by what I heard, until she flipped her words into Chinese and I understood.
This is what she said: “A mature woman is the most beautiful. A mature woman is a bright but not blinding moonlight, a mellow but not harsh song. A mature woman knows exactly what she wants, she has a calmness that does not need to look at others, a smile that does not care about the noise of the crowd, an indifference that does not see the bigotry, a solidity that does not need to be vocalized, an innocence that is simple and natural, and a height that is not too high…”
I joined hundreds of people sitting and standing in the dark to listen to Lili speak eloquently in front of the crowd on the stage under the lights. Zhang Yuan whispered to me that Lili’s answer skillfully utilized the words of the writer Yu Qiuyu. I didn’t know who Yu Qiuyu was, but it didn’t matter. I just wanted to understand why, why Lili was with Bullseye, and why she was with me. Why is she with me? Why did she enter the pageant? Why can she be so different?
Is this woman who is so comfortable on stage, the woman who took my virginity, an angel or a devil?
After Lili finished her answer, thunderous applause rang out from the stage, and that included mine. In the midst of this long-lasting applause, I suddenly felt that I had matured a lot.