He comforted me impatiently and went back to sleep. And I could no longer sleep, recalling the scene in my dream just now, I dreamed that my husband had his arm around a beautiful woman, and he said fiercely that he didn’t want me, followed by my in-laws telling me that it was no big deal. The dream scene must have been exaggerated, but the panic was real, fear crawled all over my body, and that fear, stemmed from three words – extramarital sex. Not my husband’s, but mine.
As unbelievable as it sounds, I am so deeply afraid of losing my husband while I can’t help but seek sex outside of marriage that I feel like I am a split woman at heart.
I’ve been thinking to myself about why I’m doing this. My husband is a brain surgeon, and was rated as an associate high school senior at a young age; he is gentle and impeccable, and it is impossible for me to lose him to love another man. We do not have children, two people’s life is not a problem, live in the house despite the location of the remote, the transportation is not particularly convenient, but warm and clean layout, I carefully and painstakingly to collect decorations to decorate the room to shine, how to look at it is a warm and calm home.
If I had to make a hard case for my behavior, it would be that he’s a man of principle in what he does. Let’s say that he believes that excessive coupling is a serious destruction of the body, including when we were newlyweds. I went from being embarrassed to ask him for it at first to getting used to the frequency. But if he can’t satisfy me, I don’t think so, I’m not a greedy woman.
The first time I looked for a sex partner was in 2006. At first, it was a close girlfriend who called me and asked me for a favor, saying that she wanted me to come to her house to talk to her husband about the fact that she had stayed at my house the night before. I knew exactly what she was doing, but I did her the favor. I made up a story in a fuss and her husband believed it. Afterwards, my girlfriend invited me to tea, I began to persuade her to come, I said her husband is good, do not play with fire in the future, I did not expect her to laugh, asked me and my husband how many times a night orgasms, listening to my jaw dropped. I have had orgasms, but never several in a row. That time, my girlfriend “educated” me a bit, saying that this is too much loss, right, is not a woman should not have high-quality sex?
As a result, from that day on, “high quality” was like a hound dog that recognized the road, circling in my mind. I chased him away a few times, but eventually he came back relentlessly, and I knew that my heart had gone wild. At first, I tried to change my husband, the Internet and magazines have all kinds of “husband” techniques, I really tried, but found that it does not work. I hinted at him and showed him, he also tried to “cooperate”, but it seems that he feels awkward, I also feel awkward. The funniest time was when I was standing on the balcony in my silk pajamas, waving at him, and he told me, “Don’t catch a cold, go get dressed!” And went straight into the study to surf the internet, leaving me sitting on the couch, eating 3 chocolates and an apple with a vengeance ……
Painfully, I finally decided that it’s impossible to peel off a person’s habits the same way you peel an orange. I’m not a woman who can delegate, and when my marriage can no longer give me satisfaction, I need a little jump of color.
It did not take long for me to find my first extramarital sex object, a colleague in our company, a handsome and steady unmarried man. The process is nothing to talk about, it is the evening overtime, and finally only the two of us left, so we went to eat a late-night snack, and drank a little wine, he sent me home, I let him come upstairs, my husband that day in the hospital overnight surgery …… but one thing is for sure, I absolutely did not get drunk, and afterward I carefully cleaned up the room, but also sprayed a little bit of air cleaner. I kept telling myself that as long as I didn’t put my heart in it, I wasn’t doing my husband any wrong.
After that, we went back and forth in secret for a while, and eventually he got a girlfriend and we broke up unannounced. But that time gave me a pretty good feeling: after all, it was the first time I cheated on my husband and coworkers all the time to prevent them from seeing the clues, I feel more exciting than ever. By now, he is married, and we are still in the same company, and we still say hello to each other when we see each other. I also do not have any uneasiness, I think I was born to be able to separate the body and feelings of women, perhaps I love themselves forever more than love men it.
After the first time, I soon had a second and third time, I finally realized the so-called “high quality”. At that time, I also from rusty to skillful, gradually learned not to ask each other’s real name and occupation, as long as to ensure the safety and health, I do not care whether they have a house, car, son and wife. But the funny thing is that some men like to brag about themselves, have to boast with me that he is what the family, like him how many girls, whenever this time, I am particularly disgusted. I think men are particularly boring, obviously want a woman’s body, but also hope that you can have some kind of spiritual fascination with him, and really when the woman showed too much fascination, they began to put up a fight to scare you away.
I have encountered such a thing, the other person is my old classmate. 2007 Spring Festival, I went back to Hunan when my mother’s family bumped into him, he saw me after the mouth to praise me beautiful, temperament, etc. I really quite vain and vicious, just like to listen to sweet words, and then use the skin kisses to verify. I am indeed quite vain and vulgar, just like to listen to men’s sweet words, and then use the skin to verify. After finishing, because it was an old schoolmate, so I could not possibly pull out and leave like before, we talked for a while. He started pouring out his bitterness to me, saying that his wife was not good-looking, unqualified and bad-tempered, and that their sexual affairs were not harmonious and so on. I told him, what are you telling me this for, we are just sexual partners. He got anxious and wanted me to believe that what he said was true, and asked me if I didn’t have any feelings for him at all. I said, with feelings will be entangled. He was shocked and said that I could not be so cold-blooded and casual, and asked if my husband was “bad”. I immediately felt the blood rushing to the head, backpack slammed the door and left, out of the door, I suddenly feel so ridiculous, there is such a good husband at home, why do I still want to do that kind of thing?
For a while after that, I was surprisingly nice to my husband, constantly buying him things and making him good food in different ways. I once saw the mall he liked that brand of shirt, 875 yuan a, I bought him 3 different colors, and bought him two ties. After returning home, my husband looked at the bill and said, “Why did you buy so much?” I said, “If you like it, it’s good.”
During that time, I felt that my husband and I went back to the sweetness of the newlyweds, our enthusiasm has never been higher, and even went out to do a short trip. I originally intended to live like this, must be a good wife, never again nonsense, but that life only lasted a short month.
I felt like I was on a merry-go-round, spinning around and around, and I simply wasn’t resilient enough to quit cheating. Later, I once found a mode that I thought was good, that is, the network. I pseudonym to some of the sexes of the forum posting, have chatting to add as a friend, for video, or send ambiguous text messages. I comfort myself: such behavior without actual physical contact, not counting sorry husband.
But as time went by, I realized that that virtual feeling could not replace a real embrace. So when an online friend named Windstreak met me several times in a row, I finally failed to resist that temptation. Between desire and conscience, I will always choose the former.
Everything was a rehash of the old days, the difference was that instead of bragging about it afterward like the men I used to know, Windstrike lit a cigarette as I walked into the hotel and calmly told me, “I don’t care if you’re married or not, and I don’t want to ask you where you’re from, so I hope we understand the rules of the game for grown-ups, are you okay with that? ” He looked at me like it was a negotiation, where as it looked like he was about to have a make out session. I suddenly felt a blockage in my chest, and the whole process that followed felt tasteless to me.
A week later, there is a name “I wait for you” ID to add my QQ, I added. After chatting a few sentences he asked me when to facilitate, a look of impatience, I returned a “boredom”, he went on to say: “Don’t pretend, who do not know you lonely.” I asked, only to know is “wind scar” introduced him to know me. I was furious, immediately in the QQ to the “wind trace” message, asked why he did? Not long after, he replied, you are what people, I think you are what people. I froze for a minute against the screen, scolded: go to hell! Then, pulled both of them into the blacklist.
I was devastated, but had to face the fact that maybe they were just saying what I had been avoiding, but was true – that what I had done had labeled me as “human” in their eyes… …I asked myself, didn’t I care, didn’t I not care, didn’t I just want simple physical pleasure? Why am I angry, why am I lost?
I started to be inexplicably afraid of losing my husband. I am 29 years old this year, and by September 2008, my husband and I had been married for 3 years. for 3 years, he never knew anything about my affairs outside the home, and in his eyes, I have always been well-behaved and obedient, and I wouldn’t unbutton my shirt for the third time in public. However, recently, my temper began to get more and more grumpy, because I realized that I am aging.
The first time I saw wrinkles at the corners of my eyes, I was beyond terrified, hugged home a ton of eye cream masks, and picked a fight with my husband. I often hate myself for being a woman when men are 40 or even 50 and can still be handsome, but I can’t imagine myself at 40. Now when I go to a bar, the men are more likely to hit on a young girl in her early 20s than me, and I’m afraid that one day I won’t be able to find my favorite lover again, and my husband will leave me.
One day, I was at home in the shower, my cell phone rang and did not hear it, and then my husband came home and asked me why I did not answer the phone, and I was instantly enraged, “What do you mean, if you do not believe me, just set up a monitor ah!” He looked at me dumbfounded and asked me where I was wrong, I was even more furious, slammed the lamp and cell phone on the floor, and began to count him down, saying that he came back late from time to time, grinding his teeth in his sleep, and so on, and that it was all just a bunch of nothing, trivial things. As I said this, I burst into tears and tenderly hugged him again and apologized, “I’m sorry husband, it’s my bad temper, I’m wrong about you.” Behavior before and after the judgment is like two people, not to mention my husband was surprised, even I myself also feel incredible.
In March 2008, the company held a 10th anniversary celebration, and many people brought their families to attend. Before the reception, I dressed up carefully, wearing a black evening dress, silver high heels, and find a special makeup artist to make up. But no matter how I clean up is not as good as those young girls in the company, although they only wear simple dresses, and do not make up, but the skin is so tender that it can pop out of the water. The reception was a buffet, when I took my husband on my arm to get the food, the little girl on the side said to me, “Your husband is good, handsome and good job.” Surprisingly, I blurted out without a word of humor, “Can you please say something decent about socializing? It’s so old-fashioned!” Little girl face “Teng” a red, I realized, how can I say that kind of words ah? When I got home that day, my husband, who has always been elegant, looked at me angrily: “You’ve become more and more unqualified lately, what good does it do you to hurt people?”
After that, colleagues in the office were careful to speak in front of me, and did not take the initiative to call me to participate in any activities. And I came home at night, began to check my husband’s phone for no reason, once I saw unfamiliar phone numbers, I felt nervous, both for fear that he had an affair, but also for fear that my behavior was known to him. Guilt, crankiness and unwillingness to be lonely were entangled together, making me sometimes crazy, sometimes nervous and sometimes like a gentle sheep.
Not long after that, a distant cousin of mine graduated from college and wanted to come to Beijing to make a break for it. My mom said that she wanted me to take care of her, so I helped her rent a small room in our building. After settling her down, I looked at her young, radiant face and felt inexplicably uneasy. I asked my husband, half-jokingly and half-seriously, if she was pretty, and he responded casually. I pretended not to care and said, you’re not interested in her? Hubby looked at me, dropped a sentence: you have a disease!
I’m probably really sick, and very sick. Just before the “May Day” holiday, my husband’s unit sent rice, flour, oil and other living allowances, full of shelves at home. At that time is my own proposal, send a bucket of oil a box of milk to the cousin, but that day we have something to do, and did not immediately send, and later, because busy with other things will be delayed.
May 18th was Friday, and as soon as I thought that the next day would be the weekend, I planned to work a little extra to finish up what I had on my hands and then breeze through the weekend. When I got home from work, I happened to run into my cousin in the elevator coming down to do some shopping, and she told me, “Sis, thanks for the delivery.” I froze and realized that my husband had already delivered the stuff, but why did he deliver it to her when I wasn’t home? I told myself that I must not think about it or take the bull by the horns, but when I got home, I couldn’t help but question my husband about it. My husband said, “Didn’t you ask me to deliver it? I forgot before and remembered today when I saw her, that’s all.” I asked my husband again, “How did you see her? Did you go to her house or did she come to our house? Why are you sneaking around behind my back?” My husband finally got annoyed and called me a “psycho”. We had a big fight, and in my anger, I blurted out, “What’s the big deal about you? It’s not like I don’t have anyone else!” He asked me what I meant by that. I snapped out of it, realized what I had said, and ran into my study, closing the door behind me.
The next day, I had to take the initiative to apologize to my husband, saying that it was angry, and took a lot of words to make him believe. Although on the surface we are reconciled, but he is no longer like the previous coaxing me to spoil me, can not stand I began to cold war with him. In fact, my heart is very weak, I’m really afraid that he does not want me to …… I am really old, when did I start to be so unconfident?
To prove something, I went to one of my former lovers, and after making out with him, for the first time I wanted someone to talk to after something like this, but he was in a hurry to get home, saying he had promised to have dinner with his wife.
I suddenly felt empty in my heart, I stood in front of a large mirror to examine their own bodies for a long time, remembering a line of Faye Wong’s lyrics: “How time crawls over my skin, only I know best ……” I looked at my neck has been a little loose skin I looked at the skin on my neck, which was already a bit saggy, and bawled my eyes out.