transparent (open public scrutiny)

It’s been a few years since I’ve been in the ward. I didn’t expect that, having just returned to Taipei from winter vacation, I hadn’t even changed my clothes yet, so I rushed to report to the ward. It’s good to have a reason to see you.

Sitting on the northbound Self-Empowerment ship, my heart has been struggling. For you, there has always been a guilt, feel that I owe you too much too much, far more than I can repay the scope. Maybe it’s fate, deliberately avoiding love you, and the fate of me, it is impossible to have a result. Maybe we are still young, do not have to be too obsessed with the result, but I am really sorry, I have to choose Jianlong, this is my responsibility, but also my obligation, but also I have been in the heart of these five years, the most important thing.

You still don’t know who Jianlong is, right? I mentioned him to you last time at the old home there, I think you probably don’t want to know too much, in fact, I don’t  mean to mention those past events, just like you have never  meant to share Xiaohui’s story with me. This is good, it is always good for people to keep a little bit of each other, since we have given up further relationship.

Unconsciously, the train drove into the dark underground, gradually slowed down, and finally stopped by the bright platform. Taipei has arrived. Taipei with you in it seems especially warm.

I got out of the car with a simple bag, this time I will only stay in Taipei for a month, I don’t need too much stuff, in fact, I have everything I need at home – if that’s a home, the man who is in jail and the woman who is traveling to another country, what kind of home is this?

There is a large wooden box in the traveling bag that takes up more than half the volume of the entire bag. I won’t let you know about the existence of this wooden box for fear that you will laugh at me and stay away from me even more. Inside the wooden box is the chocolate man you gave me.

“I want you to think of this candy man as me,” I still remember the day you said to me bitterly, “When this candy man melts away, that’s when you forget me.”

The candy man hasn’t melted yet. Although you deliberately ripped the ice and plastic bags you tightly wrapped layer by layer around it, by relying on the cold air of the Kuo-Kuang ship, I barely managed to make that somewhat comically made human statue last until I reached Kaohsiung. After I got off the ship, I found a senior at the graduate school as fast as I could and asked him to put the statue in their department’s big refrigerator with a constant temperature of -5 degrees Celsius, and took it out only this afternoon. The human elephant’s expression has long been blurred and hard to recognize, and its limbs are a bit twisted, but you can’t say it’s melted, can you?

You want to cut me off so easily, no way. You promised me we’d still be friends. I’m fully prepared for this trip home, with sealed packages, dry ice, cotton wool, Styrofoam, and a wooden box, even if it’s a week around the island, I’m not going to forget you so easily.

Taipei’s buses are still crowded, Taipei’s traffic is still disorganized, Taipei’s streets are still bustling, and Taipei’s evenings are still busy. After two and a half hours on the bus, I finally dragged my bag into my house with a tired body and a heavy pace.

The first thing we did was to plug in the refrigerator, which we bought together last summer when we got our paychecks. Jianlong had always wanted to buy a refrigerator before the accident, but either he didn’t have enough money on hand, or he was busy and forgot about it. Anyway, a refrigerator has to go with a kitchen, and without a kitchen, there’s probably no use for a refrigerator other than to put beer in.

The book says that chocolate melts at about twenty-seven degrees, and the room temperature in the middle of winter was already below that, I think, so I took the chocolate elephant out, and even the dry ice hadn’t melted away yet, so naturally the elephant didn’t do anything at all. After half an hour, the refrigerator temperature also dropped, I wrapped the chocolate human elephant and shoved it hard into the freezer.

You can’t run away, let’s see what other reasons you have. I have a cold smile at the corner of my mouth, reached out and dialed your phone number, anyway, there are many reasons, find you first, the big thing is to lie to you that I’m getting married.

“I’m sorry, I’m in a car accident and hospitalized, you can find me in room XXX at XX hospital, please don’t bring anything with you, thank you. Please don’t leave a message, I can’t deal with it at the moment.”

That’s the phone message I heard. It’s ridiculous. I look at my watch, eight o’clock, and rushing over there should still be in time to see you during visiting hours. I guess it’s not too much of a stretch to say I’m on the hoof today.

I don’t know why, but the anticipation of seeing you far outweighed my concern for your injuries, which I knew couldn’t be too serious, otherwise no one would have recorded a “hospitalization announcement” on their answering machine.

The hospital wasn’t too far away, and half an hour later I was standing on the hospital’s spacious elevator. The hospital seemed a little empty at eight-thirty at night, and in the silence the elevator snuck me up to the ninth floor.

Orthopedic ward.

In the daylight room next to the elevator there were seven or eight patients in casts, some in wheelchairs, some with canes, and one or two gulping down smoke with impunity under the big no-smoking sign. Thinking about how you, who have always hated the smell of smoke, are going to survive in a place like this.

Even though I wrote down your bed number and confirmed it when I passed the nursing station, yes, it was your name. I wanted to stop by and ask you how you were doing, but I was too embarrassed to ask as the nurse lady was quite busy.

Your ward is at the far end of the corridor. Walking through the long, bright and somewhat unusually bright corridor, I peeked into each ward, perhaps out of boredom, most of the patients went to bed extra early, a few patients were lying in bed watching TV, one of those five-inch or so black-and-white TVs, and one patient was cuddled up with a Ni Kuang sci-fi novel. There were also some family members who had set up marching beds beside the patients’ beds, so they must have worked much harder than the patients.

It was a little disconcerting to cross from the well-lit corridor into a ward with only one wall light on, but I found you at once. You were already asleep; the you I remembered never went to bed at this hour, and this hospital had cast some kind of spell on you.

Quietly approaching you, the patient in the opposite bed raised his head to look at me, and then lay down as a matter of course. You didn’t react at all, sleeping so quietly that no one could have woken you up.

I’ve been around the block, scrutinizing you for the last six months. Your face is terribly pale, your cheeks have sunken a few points, and the dark circles under your eyes are the same as before, but nothing has changed. Your hair is a bit overdone, I don’t know how long it’s been since you’ve washed it, probably you haven’t been able to get out of bed yet, and I know that although you don’t usually pay much attention to your edges, you don’t let a head full of tousled grass grow like this. There’s a zipper on your forehead, the threads haven’t been removed yet, if you don’t pay attention, you’d almost think the black threads are the hair that’s compounded on your forehead.

Looked at the medical record card, couldn’t read it, but by the looks of your hands on the outside of the blanket they seemed fine, probably a broken leg. Don’t dare lift the blanket to look at your leg for fear of disturbing you. Glancing around the bedside, I realized that compared to the other patients, you were a bit outrageously well-equipped. A fourteen-inch color television, a VCR, and a messy stack of videotapes. I can’t help but shake my head and sigh; these things must have made the other patients salivate, and yet you set them aside and slept through them.

In fact, what you want most is a computer. I know very well that you’ve always wanted a laptop, but whenever you save up enough money, something always happens and you have to use it for something else. In the end, you’re still stuck with that “top-of-the-line” 486 that’s been reorganized countless times, and running some software that still works.

“I’m a lot like Camelot, aren’t I?” You once said this to me with a bitter smile, several times.

Suddenly I realized that the IV bottle hanging by your bedside was about to be empty. I softly said good night to you in a volume that only I could hear, walked out of the hospital room, and went to the nursing station to remind the nurse lady on duty to change your IV.

I’ll be back tomorrow. Sweet dreams.

Today was the last getaway day, and work starts tomorrow.

After staying in bed in the dead of winter until 9:30, it was hard to struggle out of the warmth of the covers, and if you count from 1:00 a.m., a third of the unplanned day had already been wasted.

I want to visit you, but I don’t know when would be a good time to go. It’s better to go at noon, if you have family with you, they should go out for lunch at noon. Even if it’s purely as friends, I still think we should be more comfortable when we’re alone.

Having nothing to do, cleaning my room by hand and organizing a few sets of clothes I wore to work, I was surprised to have whiled away almost two hours. Starting to envy those who have a cleanliness fetish, they are never bored and always have something to do.

At exactly twelve o’clock, I stepped out of the somewhat crowded elevator. The solarium was packed and smoky, and I knew you wouldn’t be here; not only do you dislike smoke, but you don’t like crowds either.

A food truck pushed past me and it was lunch time. I circled around the neighborhood as if nothing had happened, waiting for the food trucks to send out the legendary super-tasteless meals one by one. Luckily, there were a lot of people coming and going at this time of the day, and no one noticed me. Your ward is at the end, so it’ll probably be another ten minutes before it’s your turn to eat, before it’s my turn to go in and eat with you, if you can still eat after seeing me.

Finally the food trolley was pushed to the door of your hospital room, I peeked across the room and a middle-aged woman came out to take the trays, your mother I think, as a matter of fact you wouldn’t let your father’s wife take care of you. After another two minutes, your mother walked out of the ward with her purse and walked past me towards the elevator, not noticing my presence at all.

It’s my turn. I can’t say that I was brave, but I was a little bit scared. It was already a little bit awkward for us to meet, and then to meet in this situation. Anyway, I’m a thick-skinned girl, so I can probably handle any kind of situation with ease.

Tiptoeing into the hospital room, you’re sitting in a wheelchair, eating with your back to me, and the TV is broadcasting the formulaic news, still a thousand presidential election campaigns. You probably don’t want to watch that kind of stuff either, but it’s more or less a good thing to have something to keep you in touch with the outside world, to make you remember how ridiculous it is out there.

“There you are.” You said calmly without turning around as I approached behind you.

“Eh.” I responded softly, I had learned to keep my composure long ago during my time with you, you always took me by surprise.

“Actually, I knew that yesterday.” You say slowly as you take a sip of your soup and turn your wheelchair around.

“Wow, so you weren’t asleep.” I knew it was indeed your personality, and since I didn’t want to wake you up, you would never open your eyes. After scrutinizing the awake you, there is not much difference from when you are asleep, or pretending to be asleep.

“I was really asleep,” you say, “and it was only when the nurse’s lady asked me that I realized you had been here.”

I laughed softly, anyone could have guessed what the nurse lady had asked. Of course, such questions don’t need to be answered, what’s going on between us is really not enough to be told to outsiders.

“What the hell?” I ask, pointing to your casted left foot.

“Riding absentmindedly,” you continue as you turn to take a bite of your meal, “and the road was bad, and I don’t know what I ran over, and I fell on my thigh like this.”

“How long are we going to be in the hospital?” I asked with a sigh.

“It’ll be half a month more,” you say, “and it doesn’t make any difference how long you stay anyway.”

I stare at you with questioning eyes and you sigh, then turn your head.

“My foot will never heal. I’ll have to walk on a crutch for the rest of my life.” You said with your back to me.

It’s not the first time I’ve been hit by such a bolt from the blue, but each time it knocks me on my ass.

“I don’t think so.” Barely suppressing the riot in my heart, I hang out my usual smile at the back of your head, and even though you can’t see it, I have to let my voice cut through the layer of smiles and dab a little bit of happiness.

“There’s always something that can be done now with medical advances.”

You didn’t say anything, your back was still turned to me, and the air froze between us, so cold and chilly.

“It’s no use.” After a long time, your calm voice passed through the curtain made of layers of condensed air and reached my ears. I knew that although you couldn’t put on a big smile like me at all times, no matter what happened, you always had a way of keeping your expression and voice calm as if nothing had happened.

“Is that what the doctor said?” I asked softly, as if it was a big secret.

“A doctor and my old mom were talking here the day before yesterday,” you answer softly too, and I have to lean forward or I won’t be able to hear your tiny voice, “They thought I was asleep, the doctor told mom so. My nerves are beyond recovery, and not only will I have difficulty in locomotion in the future, but my muscles will always atrophy, like polio.”

All I could feel was that the ward was getting darker and the temperature was getting colder.

“Wow, is that all?” I did my best to mold a smile on my face, hoping to ward off the invisible darkness and cold of the hospital room. “At least you left a life behind, ever read A Boat in the Ocean?”

“You should ask me if I’ve read the Chronicles.” Your voice is still so calm, so calm it’s a little unusual, a little frighteningly unusual.

“What does it mean?” This puzzle seems to have some depth, I certainly haven’t read the Historical Records, at best I’ve seen the manga version of the Assassin’s Legend, plus I vaguely remember the author of the Historical Records was Sima Qian, in some kind of chronicle style, and I really have to thank the Republic of China’s education system for that.

“Maybe it’s not a good idea to say this to you,” your voice gets lower and lower, I have to be attached to the side of your neck to even barely hear it, “I’m not even capable of reproducing.”

“So there is such a thing?” I asked in surprise, unconsciously amplifying my voice as the patient across the room looked back at us before turning back to struggling with his seemingly awful meal.

“That’s what the doctor said,” you sighed, and I vaguely smelled a bit of helplessness and emotion, “The human body has so many secrets, and if just one of the nerves is injured, who knows what after-effects will happen. Me, I’ve probably drawn the king of signatures.”

“There’s no hope?” I felt my cheeks go a little numb, as if it was the aftermath of letting my expression deliberately go against my mood, and the muscles in my face stiffened as if they didn’t belong to me at all.

“If there was any hope,” you shake your head, your glasses nearly hitting the bridge of my nose, “I wouldn’t be in this orthopedic ward, they can’t do anything but put my bones back together.”

I didn’t know if I should cry or not, but I held back my tears, and I guess you did too.

“Does your family know?” I asked. I asked, realizing that the word “family” was a bit complicated for you, that it was never clear what your family’s breakups were all about, and that you never told me about them.

“I guess so, but they’re all still hiding it from me is all.” When you answer like that, it reminds me of the protagonist of a soap opera who is terminally ill.

Silence. Nothing but silence as well as silence.

“Can I be of some help?” Fidgeting, I had to break the silence that was suffocating enough.

“Do you have a key to my place?” You ask me rhetorically and I nod. In fact, you know I have a key to your place, it’s just a formality to ask.

“Please bring me those newly purchased novels on my bed some day,” I know you’re implying that I should leave, “and if it’s boring, take my books as you please, it doesn’t matter.”

“Eh.” I made the simplest of answers, didn’t say goodbye to you, and still tiptoed away from your cool, bone-chilling hospital room, and you still didn’t turn around.

There’s enough of a messy room, as messy as I’m feeling right now.

I found a large paper bag that hadn’t been unwrapped on your bed that was piled high with books and clothes, the Sincere Bookstore, and there were about three books in it. I’m beginning to wonder just what position you’re lying in on this bed to keep from crushing the various clutter starring the bed.

When I hear the sound of the fan spinning on the computer, I know that the computer is not turned off, you always don’t dress the computer, you don’t let the computer rest, when your computer is really pathetic, and only when you get impatient with me reading, you put a case on the computer and turn off the power.

Not daring to move your computer. Suddenly feeling so tired, clearing a small empty space on your bed and lying in a very unnatural position on your bed.

I cried.

Maybe it’s fate, I’m destined to have nothing to do with love, but damn the thieving gods are so cruel, why do they punish everyone who has loved me like this? Jianlong sacrificed his future for me, and you even lost your health and the last dignity of a man. I have nothing to lose, what can I take to compensate you?

For Jianlong, I have long thought about it, no matter what I have to wait for him, I owe him too much, I can only use myself to pay back. But for you, I don’t know what to do at all.

In fact, it was you who made me start thinking about love. I’ve been with Jianlong since my sophomore year of high school, and he’s given me everything, and I’ve taken it as my duty to care for him and be considerate of him, but I’ve never considered the question: do I love him?

It wasn’t until I was with you that I realized that I had been lying to myself in the past.

Of course Jianlong loves me, he loves me more than anything, but I only cared, respected and relied on him, there seemed to be no love. When I met you, I realized that this is love.

But so what? I didn’t have a choice at all, and whether I loved Kenron or not, I couldn’t just fail him. “I’m sorry, even though you’ve always been good to me and sacrificed everything for me, I found out who I really love, so I have to leave you.” I could never say that, I’m not Anna Karenina.

Unable to sleep, I lay in a daze for I don’t know how long. It was getting dark when I lifted the three books and walked out of your kennel, but I didn’t know where to go. To visit you, anyway, even though you no longer needed any women, we were still friends. I settled my dinner without eating and walked into your hospital room.

You’ve also just had dinner and are sitting in your wheelchair watching TV, another bunch of boring news about campaign headquarters being set up all over the place. You see me, still no expression.

“I’ll tell you something,” you turn to me, “I was so bored yesterday morning that I watched the founding of Lee Teng-hui’s headquarters, and I’m probably the only person in the world who did.”

I smiled knowingly, put the book down, and sat down to enjoy the big carrot with the red ribbon on the TV screen with you.

“How long will he be in there?” You asked as if nothing had happened, as if you were asking me if I had eaten.

“One year and seven months.” I didn’t expect you to ask that question for a moment and hesitated before answering.

“That’s okay,” you say, “it wasn’t too long, it went by in the blink of an eye.”

I didn’t say anything as another large carrot appeared on the TV screen.

“Just as well,” you sigh, “with the serpent gone, Adam and Eve can go on to live happily ever after again.”

Mom’s happy-go-lucky, I cursed inwardly, without letting you see it, of course.

“Hey, let me borrow the TV.” In came a female physician in a white gown, quite young, probably not long out of school. She sat down quite automatically on the empty hospital bed next to her and reached out to grab the TV remote ready to turn the channel. “Girlfriend’s here, huh? Sorry.”

You smiled at her noncommittally, and I knew your heart was aching, and I knew better how much you wished you could answer her in the affirmative.

“I’m telling you, you don’t want to sit here all day and not move,” said the still pretty doctor, “the muscles will atrophy, and later you’ll have one foot thick and one foot thin.”

“Where else would I go now?” You smile bitterly at her.

“It would be nice to ask your girlfriend to push you out for a stroll,” the female doctor said, realizing that all three shows were equally boring and putting the remote down in resignation, “What’s it like to die in a hospital room all day.”

“You bully me again,” you say, “and I’ll tell Chief Dew that you’re sitting on a hospital bed.”

“How dare you?” The female doctor said, “Be careful I won’t let you out of the hospital.”

“See?” You turned to me and said, “Don’t ever come to this hospital, if I had known that there were such bully doctors around, I would have rather died of sickness on the side of the road.”

“It’s too late,” said the lady doctor, smilingly; “a sheep in a boat, resign yourself to your fate.”

“Dr. Cheng!” A thick voice came from the hallway, and the female doctor quickly jumped down from the bed.

“The chief is looking for me,” the female doctor headed out of the room, “You oooh, it’s okay to go for a walk.”

“Got it.” You shout at the white shadow that disappears down the hallway.

“That Dr. Cheng runs to watch TV whenever he can,” you said to me with a smile, “I hear this TV is the biggest on the whole floor.”

“Open a movie theater,” I said, “rent VHS tapes, and print up a program and send it out to the other wards.”

“That’s no good,” you say, “Dr. Ching likes to watch the most boring cartoons, and I really won’t be able to get out of the hospital without showing her.”

“Let’s go for a walk.” I said.

“Um,” you grab a shirt and put it on, “please, Rainbow.”

I froze for a moment, it had been too long since anyone had called me by that name, it was weird. Thinking back a little, it seems you haven’t called me by my name since yesterday until just now, either Rainbowbow or Rainbow.

There wasn’t really much of a place to wander. The vending department downstairs had long since closed, the labor and delivery room on the fifth floor wouldn’t push the baby out for show and tell until 9:00, and the whole hospital building was empty, so even though I don’t have a lot of experience pushing a wheelchair, I didn’t run into anyone along the way who could let me, or let you, bump into them.

“We’ll go upstairs,” you say, “the only place in the whole hospital without smoke.”

Tenth floor, the library, the kind used for research, not open to patients. It’s after hours, of course, and the doors are locked, but there are still two lights on in the corridor, and you can still see Taipei at night from the windows.

“Sometimes I sneak in here in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep.” You say to the window, I can see you in the reflection on the glass, and of course you can see me.

“Eh, there are just too many smokers, aren’t there?” I remembered the sight of the daylight room with its cigarette smoke, where you’d never last three minutes.

“Do you know why I’m afraid of smoke?” You said. I noticed that you used the word “fear” instead of “hate” as I thought you would.

“I’ve actually been smoking since the fifth grade of Kokusai Elementary School,” you saw me shaking my head through the glass and continued the story, “Although we were doing experiments together all day back then, you must not have known, in fact even the teachers, classmates, and even people at home didn’t know. “

My expression reflected on the glass is quite honest, a picture of dumbfounded look. Think of the time you, the standard good boy, talking even a dirty word can not speak, bullied by classmates do not dare to fight back, only know to report to the teacher, who will not believe that at that time you have already begun to smoke.

“The first person to realize I was smoking,” you say, “was Hoshi.”

“I thought we agreed to forget about her?” I said.

“I thought we agreed to forget about me?” You say.

I sighed. If people could just forget everything as they went along, there wouldn’t be so many worries in this world.

“Forget it.” You sigh back. “The more you talk about it, the more you’ll forget about me.”

“Why do you have to make me forget about you?” I said, a little angry and a little sad.

“What else can I give you?” You say, “Right now, I have nothing. I can’t afford even the most basic love, let alone anything else.”

“We can still be friends at least,” I said, fighting back tears and forcing a smile, “We’ve always been happy when we’ve been together, haven’t we?”

“Those are gone,” you said, your expressionless poker face still eluding me, “I’m not the same person I used to be, and all I feel now is inferiority, as well as pain, when I see you.”

“No, it won’t!” I couldn’t help but get anxious, who could keep their composure in the face of you like that?

“I mean it,” you said slowly, still expressionless despite my fierce reaction, “If you really don  mean to upset me, disappear from my presence as soon as possible. That’s the greatest grace for a man who’s been deprogrammed, what with platonic love, it’s all a lie.”

I finally cried out. You didn’t comfort me, you just stared at the glass in front of you, not knowing whether you were leisurely enjoying the night view from the window or cruelly watching me reflected on the glass in tears.

It’s so, so cold in Taipei this evening.

Suddenly dinged, we were all startled, looking back, the elevator door was slowly opening, inside stood a woman, and at a closer look, it was Dr. Cheng.

“I knew the two of you were here,” Dr. Cheng boarded up his face, but his voice didn’t sound reproachful at all, “Go back to bed la, I’ve told you several times, patients are not allowed to come up here.”

“It’s after work anyway, can’t I just come up and see the view?” You spat your tongue at Dr. Cheng and smiled, and I secretly wiped away my tears, putting on a face as if nothing had happened.

“Hurry up and get in here, you two,” Dr. Cheng was getting more and more nonchalant, “If you want to do something, wait until you’re on your feet, there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it now, so don’t be in such a hurry.”

You just gently smiled at Dr. Cheng, but I know how much bitterness is hidden underneath that smile.

“Let’s go.” You turn back to me and I nod, pushing the wheelchair into the elevator.

“Where do you live, sister?” Dr. Cheng asked as the elevator doors went up.

“Oh, Neihu.” I didn’t notice that Dr. Cheng was asking me a question, and I hesitated for a moment before answering, as if it had been a long time since anyone had called me “sister.”

“Just in time, on the way.” The elevator stopped on the ninth floor, the door slowly opened, and Dr. Cheng pressed the “open” button and said. “Tell him to get his own ass back, I’ll take you home.”

“OK, she’ll be trouble for the doctor.” Before I could reply, you were generous enough to push the wheelchair out of the elevator yourself. I wanted to call out to you, but I didn’t know what to say.

“Remember what I just explained, don’t forget.” As the elevator doors go up again, your voice comes in through the smaller and smaller doorway, and I nod, even though you can’t see it.

This is probably the last time I’ll see you. Goodbye and good luck.

The elevator went all the way down, stopped on the sixth floor, came in with a man, then stopped on the first floor and opened the door.

“Wait for me at the front door, I’ll get the car.” I followed Dr. Cheng out of the elevator as she told me, I nodded and watched as she headed for the side door.

Dr. Cheng drove a red Liata, apparently still new. She honked the horn to urge me to get in, and I opened the door and sat in the front seat as the car slowly slid forward.

“Being a rookie resident, being scolded and fucked all day long, the only fun is probably to find a patient like your boyfriend, who has a little bit of skin and a little bit of tenderness, and make fun of him.” Dr. Cheng looked ahead and said to me, “You don’t really think we abuse our patients.”

“I know.” I replied briefly, deeply afraid that if I said one more word I would accidentally leave out my mood.

“Don’t feel too bad, he’s a lucky kid, except for the broken leg bone, he’s fine everywhere else.”

Dr. Cheng reassured me. “As long as he doesn’t slack off after he’s discharged from the hospital, he should be able to return to normal.”

I felt my eye frames heat up and my vision began to blur.

“Did that kid tell you some shit? Don’t listen to him.” Dr. Cheng seemed to notice something wrong with my silence.

I finally couldn’t hold it in and let out a loud cry. Dr. Cheng hurriedly stopped his car side by side on the side of the road and handed me a box of tissues.

“What exactly did he tell you?” Dr. Cheng asked calmly, not knowing if it was a professional habit of a doctor or if her personality was just like yours.

I choked up and told the story you told me, and the more I told it, the more heartbreaking it became, and the tears never stopped.

Dr. Cheng’s face was grave, his head lowered in thought, and all that could be heard in the car was the sound of my sobbing and the occasional horn honking from outside.

“Before his accident,” Dr. Cheng turned to me after a long time, “did you have some problems?”

I pondered this for a while and then nodded, the truth was that there was no need to hesitate on this issue, the problem between us had always been there, we were just both afraid to face it.

“That’s right then,” said Dr. Ching, “this guy, men are like that, see too much.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, sensing that something seemed off.

“He wanted to break up with you, but he didn’t have the guts to say it,” Dr. Cheng said dismissively, “so he broke up this story to lie to you, trying to get you to leave on your own so that he could rightfully tell someone else something like, I’m so pathetic, I’m being dumped by you this way or something. “

“Then his injury…” I asked, at a loss for words.

“It’s okay, it’s only a fracture,” Dr. Cheng put down the hand brake and drove the car onto the road, “the rest is all a lie. I don’t know how to handle this kind of situation, I wasn’t taught in school, but it’s after hours now, so don’t treat me like a doctor, treat me like a normal friend, it’ll be easier for me.”

I gazed silently at the car in front of me, a black Thunderbolt, number IK-5209, self-propelled, should I continue to cry, break down into tears, or throw a fit?

Looking at the expression on Dr. Cheng’s face, I know that you will definitely suffer tomorrow, perhaps I should explain our situation to Dr. Cheng, but this kind of soap plot is really difficult for people to talk about. Let’s just let you be punished a little bit, tricking me so miserably, but obviously you are doing it for my own good, what am I supposed to do?

Whatever. Tomorrow’s for tomorrow. Your mantra.

It’s ten o’clock, I got off the bus at the intersection, thanked Dr. Cheng, dragged my nearly exhausted self up to the third floor, and collapsed into bed, not even bothering to take off my clothes. Thinking about it, I actually didn’t do much today, so how could I be so tired?

Your figure is always in front of my eyes, so annoying that I can’t sleep. Should I visit you tomorrow? Should I continue to play dumb, or ruthlessly expose your hard-earned deception?

What’s the point of thinking so much? You have to work tomorrow. Go to sleep.

The long nights of tossing and turning are still as painful and difficult as ever. I’ve been lying in bed for about a century, if not longer, and I’ve spent one meaningless life after another in the darkness, feeling myself aging and dying, and then being born and growing up senselessly. Every time I died and was born, I felt no joy or sadness, only fatigue.

“Im finding myself a place to live alone (ALONG).” Think of the dialogue in a movie where the hero whose wife runs away says this to his friend. Indeed, whether Live Along or Live Alone, it is hard work.

The eerie music from “Phantom of the Opera” tells me it’s 7:30 a.m. and time to Live Along.

The air outside my comforter was shivering with cold, and I rushed into the bathroom to twist on the hot water, letting the not-so-scalding hot water drizzle over my head and flow over every inch of frozen skin on my body.

Blow-dry your hair, change your clothes, ten minutes past eight. Sitting at the desk and examining myself in the mirror, I seem to be a bit haggard, then I put on a smile and look at it, Si, the smile that I practiced twice a day really works after all. Except for you, there is probably no one in the world who can see through such a bright smile, right? Jianlong and I have been together for more than three years, and he has never uncovered my smile and touched my heart.

The company is still the same. The same people, the same furnishings, the same copy machine with barely acceptable paper jams, the same piles of file folders that followed a particular arrangement, and the same meaningless but seemingly important work waiting for me.

I’ve been working here for the past two years during my summer and winter vacations. It’s a small company with only eight employees, and even if you add me, it’s not even a double-digit number. I still can’t figure out what kind of company this is, the name is a trading company, but I’ve seen all sorts of weird business, from importing and exporting goods to subcontracting translation documents, only that the boss didn’t take the whole company to the street to hand out flyers. The employees in the company are not divided into any special duties and responsibilities, the boss will give the work to whoever, he is responsible for this errand, and then at the end of the month or the end of the quarter when the settlement of the performance of the credit. Strangely enough, there seems to have been no change in personnel during these two years, which is rare for a small company with little prospect.

If the job of these eight employees was to do odd jobs for the boss, then my job was to do odd jobs for these eight people. According to them, I was really good at drawing posters, checking information, filling out forms, operating the photocopier, contacting customers, running to the post office and bank, calling vendors… I could even be a head of the team when talking to customers. They always said it was easier to talk with a little girl, so all I had to do was to sit there and act like a stranger. They called this job “bringing me out”, which was the easiest, but I hated it the most. I didn’t get into any trouble under the protection of my coworkers, but I had to sit there and listen to some boring dialogues, which was really not interesting at all. There was only one woman in the company besides me, and that woman was the boss.

Maybe I’m a better talker, I don’t know how many times I’ve told them that I’m not going to show up anymore, but they always end up with a steak or a banana split or a salad or something, and I’m not sure how many times I’ve told them that I’m not going to show up anymore, but they always end up with a steak or a banana split or a salad or something. The checks they write are rarely cashed, but I never chase them, it’s no fun stuffing them all down.

I went back to the office for the first time this year, and was immediately dragged out again for a laugh, this time at the price of a guest of smoked fish, which was highly recommended by Xiao Liu.

Still a meaningless lunch. Watching Xiao Liu and the obnoxious guy arguing over optional details, my thoughts flew back out the door, then struggled in the wind, wondering if I should float toward the prison or land at the hospital two blocks away.

Caring for two men at the same time turned out to be such a hard task, I unconsciously sighed. Turning my head, I realized that two pairs of eyes were staring at me in surprise, suddenly remembering that it was still my work time, I hastened to put on a smile and return to the dignified appearance I should have put on.

The obnoxious guy said he had something to go first, so I lifted my purse and stood up, and Xiao Liu stood up and shook the guy’s hand and walked him out the door.

“There seems to be something going on with you,” said Lau in the taxi back to the office, “I haven’t seen you sigh like that before.”

I didn’t say anything. Liu was the youngest coworker in the company, a little more than two years older than me, so maybe it was because we were closer in age that we got along better. In the past, after work, he would occasionally drag me out for a drink and tell me about his problems, which usually had to do with his girlfriend, who had a big girl’s temper.

“The boyfriend thing?” Liu asked, “He’s seen you, but of course he hasn’t seen Jianlong.

I smiled noncommittally at Xiao Liu and looked back out the car window at the street scene, Xiao Liu didn’t pursue it any further.

The head has been thinking about you, I do not know whether it is love or hate or thoughts or concern or pity, your lonely figure sitting in a wheelchair is always in front of my eyes, lingering, calling out. No matter what, go to you from work, to act to showdown to hold you cry or to dump you two slaps, to time to say.

It was so cold and drizzling. When I walked into the hospital room and got wet because I was too lazy to open my umbrella, you were sitting in a wheelchair, holding a thick original book and dozing off. Just when I was still hesitating whether to wake you up or not, you rubbed your eyes and looked up as if you had been waiting for me.

“Curse me.” You don’t dare to look me in the eye, like a child who has done something wrong and is ready to be caned.

“Lazy.” I said, “I can guess that Dr. Cheng has probably already made you suffer a bit, and the still-smart you should have guessed what happened last night.

“Will you hate me?” You close the original book in your hand and gently toss it onto the table, but the weight of the book makes it still make a surprisingly loud noise as it makes contact with the table.

“I’ll hate you for the rest of my life,” I said, “if you really want to lie to me like that for the rest of my life.”

“I’m only going to lie to you for a year and seven months,” you say, “and you’re going to hate me for a year and seven months as well.”

Ridiculous, I thought to myself, the difference between that year and seven months and a lifetime is no longer much.

“Have you been in contact with him lately?” You ask.

“Eh, there was a letter sent to tell him before I went back to Taipei.” You’ve never asked me for details about Jianlong before.

“I’d like to get to know him too, see what he’s like.” You smoothly grab the remote and turn on the TV, it’s news time again. “Sacrificing himself like that for a woman, there should be a lot of people calling him an idiot behind his back.”

“Not behind my back, in front of me.” I said, remembering those heartbreaking days. There wasn’t a single one of Jianlong’s relatives or elders who didn’t call him a loser, and there wasn’t a single one of his friends who didn’t laugh at him for being an idiot. And his father?

Jianlong always pretends that he died long ago and never mentions it.

“I admire him, something I could never do.” You say as you look at the news anchor on the TV.

“But if all he’s given up is three years behind bars and a woman who ran off with someone else, then I think he’s pretty much an idiot.”

“You’re all a bunch of sandpigs who only see things from your manly perspective.” I said in disgust, really wanting to explode all the anger I’d been suppressing inside for so long, but I maintained a calm tone.

“Can you all put yourselves in my shoes for a moment? Don’t I have the right to pursue happiness?”

“You don’t have that kind of power,” you say in a calmer tone than mine, still gazing at the boring campaign buildup on TV, “because you owe it to him.”

I stopped talking. Yes, I owed Jianlong too much, and I knew very well myself that I couldn’t afford to apologize to him again.

But is my future to be crucified on this cross of fate?

“Please don’t come back to me, you’re putting me under a lot of pressure, and I just can’t afford this charge of taking advantage of people.” You turn off the TV and pick up the original book, which is thick enough to crush, from the table. “At least don’t come to me for a few days, I have a make-up exam to prepare for.”

Your arrogant attitude pisses me off, but I know that’s what you’re after.

“When are you going to take the test?” I ask, a question that I don’t know if it makes sense.

“Does it matter?” You said with a sigh. “Didn’t I tell you a long time ago, forget about me, we have no future together.”

“I remember, what you said, that when the chocolate candy humanizes off, that’s the moment I should forget about you.” I said as I reached over and jerked up the book you were holding and stared into your eyes. “The human elephant hasn’t been humanized yet, and I’m never going to let it be.”

I saw a flash of surprise in your eyes, and then those eyes returned to their original tiredness and gloominess, revealing a bit of melancholy again. I know that in addition to the car accident, you must have suffered a lot during this period of time, and it is in the heart, although you often seem to be listless, but you have never shown a trace of melancholy.

“Does that matter?” You scoffed. “I’d advise you to eat it for breakfast or a midnight snack sooner rather than later, it’s not going to be worth it if the cockroaches and ants steal it someday.”

Can’t be angry, I told myself. Even if you act like nothing’s wrong, I know that in reality you’re probably in a lot more pain than I am, and you don’t want to do this, so forgive you.

“Even if I’ve been tied up by Kenron, can’t I just enjoy these three years of freedom for a while?” I questioned just how much longer the anger in my heart could be suppressed.

“His name is Kenron? Hmm.” You still said as if nothing had happened, and I realized that I had inadvertently said Jianlong’s name to you. “A bird kept in a cage, once it’s been let out to enjoy its freedom, will it still be willing to obediently return to the cage?”

“I’m not a bird,” I retorted, “I’m a human being and I know my responsibilities.”

“And what is the difference between a man and a bird?” You say.

“I’ll show you the difference between man and bird.” Knowing that if I don’t leave, the anger that fills me will make me explode, I hurriedly lift my purse and turn around. Of course you won’t stop me.

There were two people standing outside the ward, apparently waiting for me. One was Xiao Liu, and the other was a girl with long hair, who obviously didn’t know each other. The girl with long hair nodded and smiled at Liu and me, then walked into the ward. The patient across from you has just been discharged, and you are the only patient left in the whole ward, so of course she is there to find you.

She has a fairly dark complexion, large eyes, seems to have a good figure, and has long, thick and slightly curly hair, slightly brownish-reddish in the black, which has obviously been leaked. The hurried pace says a lot about how much she cares about you.

“I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t have followed you…” Liu was busy explaining to me.

“You owe me a smoked fish,” I interrupted, “I’m hungry, let’s go.”

“How did he get hurt?” Liu asked, not quite comfortable with himself, after we ordered our meals.

“If you’re hurt, you’re hurt, people live, whatever.” I replied dismissively.

“Then who was that woman just now?” Xiao Liu asked again.

“I was going to ask you.” I said, “Now I’m starting to doubt you too, myself, everything.

Xiao Liu didn’t pursue the question any further. Anyone based on these clues would make the same inferences, and Xiao Liu was certainly no exception, while any outsider in this situation would probably choose to remain silent.

“That woman and I chatted for a few moments, saying that she was his former colleague in the computer company.” Xiao Liu lowered his head and played with his napkin, flipping it around for a while, then raised his head and said to me, “It looks like he wants to break up with you, doesn’t it?”

“It’s not what you think,” I tried to explain to Lau but realized I didn’t know where to start, “It’s a little complicated, but he’s not the kind of person you think he is.”

“Don’t be too sure of everything.” As a rule, men are supposed to help each other, but Liu is clearly not on your side.

“He’s not.” I said firmly, but I knew my faith in you had been shaken.

Xiao Liu stopped talking about you, which was good, I knew that if he asked a little more, I would tell him all the stories. Now I really hope that someone can listen to me tell stories, those stories that even you only know a little bit of skin.

Dinner ended hastily, Liu had to pick up his girlfriend, and I bought two magazines at the bookstore and went home.

There was a letter in the mailbox, familiar envelope, familiar postmark, familiar handwriting. I don’t know why, but the letter felt so heavy.

Rainbow.

Time passes a little slow, especially without you.

It’s been hard to make it through a year and a half, and I’m a little happy and a little sad to think that I’m already halfway through my time apart from you. I received your letter, and I know that you are back in Taipei again. It’s better to be comfortable in our own nest.

It’s almost New Year’s Eve again, and I’m sorry you have to spend it alone again this year. I used to think that New Year’s Eve with just the two of us together was boring, but then I realized that New Year’s Eve alone is even more boring. You can find a friend to go to his home nest a nest, chatting and playing cards and watching TV are good, do not hide in the nest with the non-existent me to keep the New Year’s Eve, that’s too abusive.

I owe you one more New Year’s Eve. Mark it down yourself. I know, I still owe you several Christmas Eves, Valentine’s Days, Tanabata and Mid-Autumn Festivals, whatever he owes, I’ll pay you back sixty New Year’s Eves, sixty Christmas Eves, sixty Valentine’s Days, sixty Tanabata’s and sixty Mid-Autumn Festivals, and I don’t promise to look at the moon that’s all. Almost forgot, there are sixty birthdays, sixty birthday cakes, black forest ones. Sixty cakes will be inserted with three thousand red candles, I really want to light these three thousand candles at one time, so that you can make one hundred and eighty  wishes at one time, remember to remember, of which one hundred and twenty  wishes to tell me.

It’s getting colder, but it’s airtight in there, so don’t worry about me, take care of yourself.

Loving You, Jianlong

I fell asleep clutching the hot letterhead. In my dream, Jianlong was sweating profusely as he piled up sixty huge black forest cakes into a prison cell and locked me in with no ventilation. I kept pleading with him, but he expressionlessly stuck one red candle after another on the cakes and lit them one by one. Drops of wax oil fell on my head and around my feet, flooding my ankles.

“Hurry up and wish  it, one hundred and eighty  hopes.” Kenron said to me with a smile.

“Let me out!” I yelled.

There are one hundred and seventy-nine more.” Kenron said.

“Let me out!” I yelled again.

“And a hundred and seventy-eight.” Kenron said.

“Let me out!” I kept shouting: “Let me out! Let me out! Let me out! Let me out! Let me out! Let me out! Let me out! Let me out…”

“That’s enough, you don’t have to tell me the remaining sixty,” said Kenron, “now it’s time to blow out the candles.”

The wax oil flooded my knees. I desperately blew the flame from the candle, but I had three thousand candles to blow in front of me, three thousand beautiful sparks waving in front of me.

“One, two, three…” I counted as I blew out the candles, the wax oil already flooding my thighs.

“Blow it off, you owe me for this.” Kenron said to me still smiling.

The wax oil kept piling up, up to my waistline, up to my chest, up to my mouth, and I couldn’t blow, I couldn’t breathe… It was a dream, this must be a nightmare, please let me wake up!

I woke up, covered in a cold sweat and gasping helplessly in the darkness.

It had been a long time since I’d had such a horrible nightmare, and even worse, no matter how much I tried to hide it, the whole world seemed to be able to see that something was wrong with me.

Can’t laugh. I just can’t laugh today, for some reason.

“Still worried about what happened yesterday?” During the lunch break, Xiao Liu deliberately waited until all the other coworkers had left the office before he voiced this question to me, which he had apparently been hiding for a long time.

I shook my head and tried to thank him for his concern with a smile, but my face stiffened for a moment and I still couldn’t smile. I can’t look in the mirror, I’m sure it’s hard to see my dead face now.

“None of us can help with this kind of thing.” Liu said, my denials probably not very convincing, and he simply ignored them.

“Anyways, thanks. “I really appreciate Liu, but I don’t know if I can let him know.

I don’t know why, but after work, I still got on the bus and went to the hospital to look for you. I know that this is just self-defeating, but there seems to be a stubbornness in my heart that wants to prove that you are not the kind of person that Xiaoliu thinks you are.

She was sitting on your bed, talking to you in your wheelchair. It’s a bit of an awkward scene, but for a scene like this, I think you’d have more of a headache than I do, so I don’t hesitate to walk into the hospital room and say hello.

“It’s you oooh,” you just nodded at me silently, there was even a bit of reproach in your eyes, but she did greet me graciously, “We met yesterday, remember?”

“Of course I remember.” Somehow the smile returned to my face, which was always a good thing anyway; after all, I didn’t have any animosity towards her.

“Hey, introduce yourself.” She speaks to you in a tone that is not at all polite, and should be a very close friend, if still just a friend.

“Um, this is Makoto, my coworker from last year at the company.” You passively introduce us to each other, sounding tired. “This is Rainbow, Si, a friend.”

“Just friends? Tell the truth!” She punched you in the chest and put on a menacing expression to force a confession-like question.

“It hurts,” you wail exaggeratedly, “It’s really just friends.”

“That’s good, I still have a chance.” She grinned mischievously.

“You’re too late, I don’t want a woman who’s older than me,” you say with a smile at Shin, “If you’d pursued me two years earlier it might not have been too late.”

“Damn kid,” Makoto scolded, without malice of course, “watch your back for me.”

I watched you guys silently, so envious. I don’t want to be a couple anymore, just be friends, and being friends makes it easy to enjoy it all.

“In life, it is a blessing to find a good friend.” Suddenly I remembered something you said to me ages ago. “If you don’t know how to cherish it, and rashly ask for a closer relationship, I’m afraid that you can’t talk about a couple, and you won’t even be able to be friends.”

“It’s 7:30, I’m going to eat, I’m starving.” Xiao Zhen said as she looked at her watch. “Do you want to come along?”

“Good.” I look at you, still a picture of not caring, even though there’s probably no point in being alone with you here, so why abuse your stomach and intestines?

Xiao Zhen happily took my hand and left. I looked back at you as you picked up another thick original book. Xiao Zhen’s personality is very similar to mine, or perhaps I should say, to the usual me.

“Our boss had wanted to find him to come back to work during the winter vacation,” said Xiao Zhen, swabbing her mouth after finishing the last mouthful of beef noodle soup, “I hadn’t found him yet, but he himself called the company to look for me.”

“He oooh, it’s just kind of funny.” Confronted with Koujin’s cheerfulness, I unconsciously put all my unpleasantness aside. Strange, isn’t this my own usual favorite job? “I can’t believe someone left a message on top of their answering machine saying they’re being hospitalized or something.”

“Yeah, I thought it was funny too when he asked me to get his answering machine for him the other day.” Shin said.

I froze for a moment, having thought that the message should have been recorded by your family for you, and could never have imagined that it would be her.

“Don’t be nervous la, there’s nothing between me and him.” Xiao Zhen hurriedly explained. “We are used to messing around in the office, in fact, there is no such thing, my boyfriend is still in the Golden Gate as a soldier. At that time there was a coworker who liked to stick to me, so I grabbed him as a shield, and then we got used to fooling around, and it still feels weird every time we meet without fooling around.”

“There’s no need to be so nervous, there’s nothing between him and me.” I could smell a hint of weakness, maybe a little more than a hint.

“Yeah?” Shin stared at me and smiled, “He told me a little bit about you before ooh. I remember another time, he had a lipstick print on his shirt, that was you right?”

“Tong Tong.” I said as if nothing had happened, looking down and taking a sip of my noodle soup.

“Don’t take what he says seriously,” Xiao Zhen said seriously, “He just had an accident, he inevitably has some psychological problems, and he doesn’t think things through, so don’t really vomit with him.”

“Thanks.” I certainly wouldn’t explain everything to her, but I thanked her from the bottom of my heart.

“My house is in Banqiao, I have to leave early.” Xiao Zhen looked at the time and said to me. “You’d better go see him again.”

“Eh.” I really don’t know what to do, so I’ll just go back and check on you.

“Back so soon?” You said, looking up at me as I stepped into the hospital room, as if you’d known I’d be back again.

“It’s just dinner.” I say to you with a smile, as if I’ve long forgotten yesterday’s unpleasantness.

“She probably told you everything,” you say inexplicably, “Good, then I don’t have to explain too much.”

“What are you talking about?” The words came out of my mouth before I thought about what Zhen had just told me about her grabbing you as a shield.

“She didn’t say anything?” You ask in surprise, “I thought she would have explained it to you.”

“It’s not too late for you to say it.” I play dumb on purpose to see if you two say the same thing.

“I still can’t figure out her personality after all,” you say with a shake of your head, “She’s usually quite lively, but when it comes to her feelings, her mouth closes up tight.”

“Oh, I can’t tell,” I said, “but she just told me her boyfriend is in the military at Golden Gate.”

“She said that to you?” You asked a little nervously, making me feel nervous in that moment as well.

“Uh, that’s what she said.” I nodded.

“It seems she’s still wary of you,” you shake your head again, “She says that to everyone she doesn’t trust, when in fact she and her boyfriend have long since separated. She always tells people that she has a boyfriend in Golden Gate so that she can avoid some trouble, after all, no one wants to take the blame for taking advantage of someone.”

You’ve been carrying this charge for a long time. Who cares? I’m thinking in my mind.

“Since she doesn  t want to talk about it, it s better for me to tell you, or the longer things drag on, the more you will hate me.” You turn your head away, not daring to look me in the eye. “Actually, we’ve been together since you returned to Kaohsiung last year.”

Not unexpected, but still news I didn’t  expect to hear.

“Our relationship is like one of those Japanese serials, above friends, below lovers.” Whenever you tell this kind of story, it’s always as calm as if you’re memorizing a text. “In fact, she’s been hinting to me for a long time that our relationship could be clearer if I just give her a word. But I couldn’t do it, do you know why?”

“Because of me.” I said.

“Yesterday you were right, everyone has the right to pursue happiness.” You didn’t admit it, nor did you deny it.

“I don’t  mean to help a man I don’t know take care of his future wife, and when he comes back, I’ll have to pretend to bless the two of them, wishing them old age and an early birth.”

“You mean in my selfishness?” I asked.

“Maybe it’s a little ridiculous to talk about it now,” you still don’t answer my question, “Her family owns a plating factory, and I’m a chemistry student, and I’d like to struggle for ten or eight years less.”

“Go on, then,” I said, “and stuff her ears with sweet words.”

“I want to, but with you in my heart, I can’t.” As a rule, this sentence should be a mushy, sheepish love sentence, but I couldn’t feel a trace of sweetness. “I absolutely can’t do it without clearing our relationship.”

“Bull shit,” I said.

“Huh? Yes, I’m shit, but shit looks out for itself.” You don’t get what I’m saying for a moment, and forgive me, I don’t usually like swear words.

“You’re so fucking good at Bull shit.” Anyway, after opening up, why don’t you just say more to make it worth your while. “Would you pleas eshut up your damn fucking mouth?”

You look at me with a blank face, and I stare back at you defiantly.

“It seems that I’m not a good liar.” After a long time, you finally admit defeat, lower your head and say, “What went wrong this time?”

“You shouldn’t have told me that much,” I said, “especially for all those ridiculous reasons, you should have let me guess for myself instead of telling me yourself like an idiot.”

“That’s right, I was too eager.” You burst out laughing, and I don’t know why, but I feel a sudden warmth. “It’s not true at all that you’re too eager.”

“Still trying to get rid of me?” I asked with a smile, though the question was a bit pointed, you should be able to block it out.

“Not for now,” you suddenly take my hand in yours, causing me to panic a little, “I’ll take my time figuring out how to get rid of your clingy little self after I finish my make-up exams next week.”

“You can’t get rid of me.” Your palms are still sweaty, and if you’d had a lie detector earlier, you’d have broken it up in less than two sentences. “I’m going to stick to you.”

“I’m literally going to be glued to you,” you grip my hand tighter, not knowing who’s glued to who, “and have already broken a leg.”

“Is it my fault too?” I wanted to whack you, but my hands are in your hands, so give you a break, special favors today.

“Nonsense. Who do you blame if not you?” You say, “Forget it, you don’t understand.”

“You’re lucky you only broke one leg.” Yeah, compared to three years in jail, you’re really lucky.

The unintentional words that came out of my mouth stung myself a little, and I changed the subject in a hurry. “How much of those little true stories were just true?”

“Everything about her is true.”

You thought for a moment before you said to me, “It’s true that she has a boyfriend in Golden Gate, and you know my personality, that alone makes it impossible for me to be with her.”

Yeah, if I had told you about Jianlong from the beginning, you would have avoided me from afar.

“Is it true that her family runs a plating factory?” I pursued.

“Yeah, but,” you chuckle, “do you think I really like chemistry?”

Of course I understand, that’s your biggest bust today, I laughed maniacally in my mind.

“So is she really after you?” That was actually the biggest question in my mind.

“Well, it’s not really a chase, but it’s just that the hints are a bit exaggerated.” You replied without a care in the world: “For a normal girl, this is already the limit, but she’s a bit pathetic when she meets an uninterested guy like me.”

I understand. In the old days when I used to report with you at breakfast clubs, I was also almost alive with your sluggishness, the kind of sluggishness that you could tell at first glance that you were deliberately faking.

“Is she really older than you?” I don’t know why, but I’m still a little concerned about her.

“She’s a year older than me,” you chuckle, “and dark and old, are you satisfied?”

“But she has a great body.” I said with a purposely stern face, even my voice took on a bit of jealousy.

“She’s got a better body than you,” you said as you reached out and wrapped your arms around my waist, “but you’re so much better looking when you smile.”

I want to lean on you lazily, but you probably can’t withstand my destruction in a wheelchair.

“Tonight, I want to be here with you.” I don’t know why that thought came out of my mouth, and it surprised myself a little.

“No, get back to bed.” You look at me in surprise and then say as if in command.

“Ignore you, kick me out if you can.” I said, half-playfully, half-petulantly.

“Suit yourself, remember you have to work tomorrow.” Knowing there’s no way to stop me, you reluctantly agree, “You can rent a marching bed at the nursing station, so you’d better go rent some graphic novels first, it’s boring here.”

What more do you need a graphic novel for? I just want to look at you quietly and that’s enough.

Hospital nights are really boring, especially after you fall asleep. Shouldn’t be too ironic.

“Are you asleep?” I asked softly, and you didn’t answer.

“Sleeping.” I remember every time I used to ask you this question, I always got this answer, I don’t know why, but you always slept later than me and got up earlier than me. Thanks to this hospital, I finally managed to spell you once.

I exhaled hard and sat up to turn off the wall light before burrowing back under the blankets and laying down on my side. It really wasn’t very comfortable, but I was asking for it.

I don’t know how long it was, but from the doorway came a series of deliberately suppressed footsteps, and I uncovered the blanket a crack and peeked out to see a woman, a little chubby, maybe twenty-seven or eight years old, walking toward your hospital bed. For a moment I didn’t know what to do, and hurriedly closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep.

“Where’s your husband?” You spoke suddenly, almost startling me again.

“Park down there and come up later.” She’s probably your oldest sister, from memory you once mentioned having two oldest sisters, but I wouldn’t dare ask more about your family.

“This is my friend, asleep, don’t call her.” I hear the sound of the hospital bed shaking, presumably you’re struggling to sit up. “Just leave the lights on, this should be bright enough.”

“Friends?” She asked with a smile.

“Okay, girlfriend.” You reply with a smile back.

“Are you all set for discharge?” I felt my body shake at her unexpected question and hoped I hadn’t noticed.

“There’s not much that should be taken away, it’s just this stack of books that’s a bit of a pain in the ass,” you say, “ask your husband to help move a few away first. The TV ones they’ll come and collect tomorrow.”

“OK, do you want to go straight to my house tomorrow when you get out of the hospital?” She asked again.

“Yeah, I don’t want to go up and down the stairs either, it’ll be exhausting.” You say.

“Hi! How’s it going?” Along with a set of heavier footsteps comes the voice of another man, presumably your sister in law.

“Shh, be quiet.” She whispered to him.

“Whoa. I see.” He responded with a dawning realization. The thought of two more pairs of eyes staring at me from outside the blanket was more than a little disconcerting.

“I’m telling you, let’s move this stack of books back today.” She explained to him.

“That much?” He was a little surprised.

“It’s only five or six books, it should be okay, let’s see.” She said.

“What kind of book is this? Heavy kind of think like this.”

“The original hardcover book printed on full-color copperplate paper.” You say, and I can hear that tone of voice in which you want to laugh but are afraid to do so.

“It’s still moving, there’s nothing else, is there?” He said.

“No more, please.” You say.

“Then we’ll pick you up tomorrow at about eleven in the morning.” She said, “Mom will be here to do the paperwork, right?”

“Mom will do my paperwork first thing in the morning.” You say.

“So you’re staying in the mountains this winter break and not coming down?” She asked.

“I guess, we’ll see when I can walk normally.” You say, “I’ll probably have to nurse you for a month.”

“Whatever, but who are you hiding from when you want Mom to block your calls again?” She pressed.

“No, it’s just that I’m afraid of having to recount the car accident to a bunch of different people every day.” You say as if nothing has happened, and of course, I know what you’re thinking.

“Tell me honestly, what kind of trouble were you in out there?” She asked a bit nonchalantly, “There were clearly witnesses to the crash who said you were hit by another car, so why did you deny it and claim that you slipped and fell?”

“When I say slip, I mean slip.” You said impatiently as well. That unsettling odor was getting worse, and I sensed that everything was not as innocent as it seemed on the surface.

“Alright, you get some rest and we’ll talk tomorrow.” She didn’t seem to bother saying much. “It’s possible to move it, right?”

“Could be.” He said, and by the sound of his voice it didn’t seem like too much of a strain.

“We’ll go first, Bye,” she said.

“Bye,” you say.

Even more sleepless. I have absolutely no idea how to deal with you less than a meter away, after hearing all these baffling conversations.

Several times, there were times when I really wanted to wake you up and ask you about everything. I knew you were keeping a lot of things from me, including of course the ones I should have known and the ones I shouldn’t have pursued. Hiding under the blankets I constantly struggled between the certainty and denial of everything.

“Did you hear that?” Just as my whole body tightens to the point of cramping, you suddenly speak.

I didn’t answer, still hiding inside the blanket and playing dead.

“I hope you really didn’t hear that.” You didn’t hear my response, so you sighed and continued, “I didn’t expect you to stay, and I didn’t expect my oldest sister to be such a loudmouth, and I didn’t want you to know about any of this in the first place.”

“I actually want to be with you, at least we can still enjoy this year or so.” You continued, softly and slowly, “If you’re awake, keep listening and don’t have to brainstorm how to trap me; if you’re asleep, then go back to sleep. In any case, I hope you are asleep.”

“What should I say? In fact, one sentence can explain everything, just this sentence is a bit hurtful, will hurt everyone.” The tone of your voice made me feel a bit lighter, but this sentence made me unconsciously tense up again: “This car accident of mine, it was Jianlong who found someone to make it happen.”

“What you least expect must happen when you least expect it.” That Murphy’s Law is quite a maxim. I barely repressed the urge to lift the blanket, but felt my body wrapped in it begin to tremble.

“I remember the number of the car, I remember what those two guys looked like, and there were witnesses in the opposite lane,” you sighed, “but what can I do? Tell them everything, including us, and let Kenron stay for another five years? Whether or not the police have evidence that could lead to Jianlong, I don’t want that to happen.”

“It’s true to say that I’m timid and scared.” You speak more and more slowly, I know you are organizing your thoughts: “Hospitalized for a period of time, I have been planning how to completely break up with you, and then treat this period of time as a bitter intertwined dream, the foot is well, the dream also woke up. But in the past few days, even your smile has gone, and my heart has softened again.”

“Jianlong, I still do not know how to write these two words, should not be that kind of dinosaur.” You smile bitterly and say, “He really has the best intentions for you, he’ll do anything for you. If there is not an ungrateful me to stir up the situation, you should be very happy.”

“Now, I don’t have the power to decide anything anymore.” Saying this, you stop and pause for a long time: “Everything is for you to decide, if you still like me as a cowardly, useless and broken legged guy who can’t run fast enough anyway, I don’t care to run for you to chase after me. If anything happens in the future, there’s nothing to put off, just go along with it.”

“If you think you should go home and wait for Jianlong, you have my blessing.” You suddenly become a bit hasty in your speech: “Everything that happened before, including the car accident, just pretend it never happened. I’ll probably go find Zhen, she’s a little older than me, but I think we’ll get along.”

“I’m getting out of the hospital tomorrow, and I’m going to hide somewhere you won’t be able to find me for the whole winter break.” You return to your original speed of speech: “Yes, it’s my sister’s new house, it doesn’t matter if I tell you, you’ll never be able to find the address or phone number anyway.”

“During this time, I hope you can calm down and think about what to decide.” Your voice is getting smaller and smaller, and I can hear it a little muffled: “Before the end of winter vacation, I’ll contact you and ask you to give me an answer. Whether you hear me or not, it’s decided, maybe it’s a little unfair to you, but it’s the best solution I can think of. Good night.”

Good night, you asshole.

It’s been a long time since I’ve slept this hard. When your breakfast was delivered, I forced myself to help you get that supposedly nutritious breakfast to the table with my sore back and then put away the blankets and the traveling bed. Looking at the time, 6:30 a.m., without realizing it you had slipped out of bed and into your wheelchair, and I completely missed how you got out of bed with your leg still in a cast.

“Slept hard, didn’t you?” You chuckle, pretending that nothing happened last night: “I warned you.”

“It’s okay, the hospital is air-conditioned, it’s a little warmer than home.” I smiled back and replied, “Do you all eat this for breakfast? Porridge, fish floss, pickles?”

“That’s pretty much it,” you say, shaking your head, “When my mom was here a few days before I was hospitalized, I asked her to bring me back a Mazola, and I just can’t get used to eating these things.”

“I don’t want to be your mom, but I’ll go buy it for you later.” I yawned and said, “Baked General Exchange and ham and eggs, right?”

“You remember?” You seemed a little surprised. When I used to sleep at your place, breakfast was always one baked total and one ham and eggs, with me having half the baked total and you having the ham and eggs and the other half of the baked total.

“I know there’s also a copy of the Muni.” I know that even though you don’t mention in front of me the fact that I have no interest in professional baseball, your love for it is not going to be tempered by an injury.

“No, it’s not professional baseball season, it’s better in the middle of the year.” You pull open a bedside drawer and pull out a wallet: “Got money on you, right?”

“I have money here lah, keep your money for the medicine.” I make a face at you, pick up my purse, put on my coat, and walk out of the hospital room.

It was still dark and gusts of cold wind kept me shivering. Had Macy’s raised their prices again, or was the price point near the hospital already five dollars more expensive? Who cares, I rushed to buy a baked total and ham and eggs, and a toothbrush, newspaper, and two cans of hot coffee at the convenience store next door, and rushed back to the warmth of the hospital.

“So soon?” You ask in surprise as I walk into the hospital room.

“It’s cold outside.” I put down what I was holding and picked up a can of coffee and rubbed it in my hands, “I’m going to get back before my blood freezes.”

“Is it so cold outside? It looks like I’ve been in the greenhouse for too long.” You look out the window and say, “I’m going to be discharged from the hospital at noon, so I wonder what’s going to happen outside.”

“You’re getting out of the hospital today?” I asked nervously, on purpose of course, I knew you were testing me. In fact, I could have admitted that I was up all night last night at all, but I still made the decision to hide the truth in front of you.

It’s ridiculous that our relationship was created on layer after layer of lies.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you.” You spit out your tongue in embarrassment and acted like you did: “I’m getting out of the hospital at noon today, I’m going back to my mom.”

“Then I’ll be able to legitimately cheat for tea.” I laughed, the conversation hadn’t gone beyond what I had sandboxed last night: “Phone number confession!”

“You know, the two on the nine, I’ll move one to my room, not sure which one yet, but you can call both.” You say it, but you still pick up a pen and write down the two phone numbers and hand them to me, and I fold the note as if it were in my wallet. The two phone numbers, of course, were not the ones I wanted.

“I’m going to go wash my face while you eat.” I took out the toothbrush I had just bought and walked into the restroom.

I look pretty perfect in the mirror, I can’t see anything out of the ordinary at all, I have more or less confidence in my acting skills, I just don’t know if it will work for you.Plan A begins.

“This one doesn’t have a good grilled general exchange,” you grumbled as you nibbled on your sandwich as I walked out of the restroom, “too much ketchup.”

“If you have food and you’re still picky, you’re such a deadbeat,” I hit your head with my toothbrush, “Let’s see who else will help you in the future.”

I moved a chair and sat down, picked up the other half of the grilled aggregate and started nibbling on it, and sure enough the ketchup had been added so much that the acidity overpowered the flavor of the other ingredients.

“Actually, I know that you didn’t sleep at all last night.” You say to me as you stop abruptly in the middle of a nibble.

I stop chewing and turn my head to look at you, and your eyes still don’t even move, refusing to give the slightest message.

“I fell asleep, I was really tired yesterday, all because of your whole thing.” I quickly lowered my head and took a hard bite of my sandwich.

“No need to act it out.” I feel your gaze piercing my smile hard.

“Okay, I lost.” Damn, what plan A and plan B are all a waste, showdown! “Can you tell me what’s broken?”

“It’s not broken, it’s purely my intuition.” You pick up the ham and eggs again and start nibbling on them: “I’m really sorry, but I hope you can calm down and make the right decision. Don’t get carried away by the moment, think about the people who aren’t with you.”

We each tore into the sandwiches in our hands in silence, not out of hunger or mouthfuls of food, but purely to hide the unease in our hearts. Quickly, the sandwiches were finished.

“I’ll miss you no matter what.” I stood up and gathered my things: “Whether it’s for a month, a year or a lifetime.”

“There’s no need to miss me,” you opened the cupboard and bent down to rummage around, and I knew you were using it as an opportunity to escape my gaze: “I never wear white socks.”

Don’t know what to say. There are so many things I want to say to you, so many things I want to ask you, but right now I have absolutely no idea how to say them. You are probably the same way, we just find something irrelevant to do in the silence, and occasionally when our eyes meet, we always turn our heads away together sheepishly.

I don’t know how long it was, but I heard the bell from the nursing station outside the corridor, and looked at my watch, seven fifty-five, it was time to go. I reluctantly lifted my purse and stood up, and you turned to look at me. This time, neither of us looked away.

“I’m leaving,” I said a little unnaturally, you’re the only person in the world who can make me laugh: “Take care.”

“You take care too.” Your voice becomes a little hoarse as well.

As I walked out of the hospital room, I happened to brush past a group of doctors in white robes. Dr. Cheng was at the tail end of this white line, and she winked at me, and I nodded back at her.

Bye.

I don’t know who Rainbow really is. In fact, she always amazes me with her powers.

Of course, I knew that in front of her, the three caves of the rabbit were absolutely not enough, especially since all three of them had long been explored by her. However, I was really convinced that the fourth cave, which was also Big Sister’s new home, could still be found by her. Until now, I still don’t know how Rainbow found this cave.

“As long as you’re not afraid of trouble, you can find out the results of anything.” Whenever I asked Rainbow this question, she always winked mischievously and answered me like this. I knew that unless I could find out a heavenly secret to exchange with her, she would never tell me easily.

Two weeks after I was discharged from the hospital, my time in the mountains was so boring that it faded into a bird’s eye view. I barely managed to pass my supplementary exams at school, and apart from the computer, TV, and the occasional novels that my sister bought for me, all I did all day long was exercise and sleep. Luckily, it’s almost New Year’s Eve, and this year we all decided to come to the mountains to observe the New Year’s Eve, which is probably the most anticipated New Year’s Eve dinner in my life.

On New Year’s Eve, first my brother brought his girlfriend, then my brother-in-law brought my sister home and immediately went down to pick up my mom. My sister was busy in the kitchen, just waiting for my mom to come and start dinner. My brother was taking a shower, and I was lying on the sofa watching the boring TV, chatting casually with my brother’s girlfriend about some random topics. Just when we got to the embarrassing stories of my brother’s childhood, the doorbell rang.

“Mom’s here!” Lao just came out of the bathroom and rushed to open the door, I also sat up and prepared for this lively night, but there was no sound of Lao’s usual laughter coming from the door, only Lao’s soft conversation with the person outside the door through the iron door.

“Looking for you.” Shortly afterward Lao turned his head and shouted at me, his face full of questions. Equally full of doubt I hastily propped up my cane and walked towards the door.

“God, Rainbow? Why are you here?” Outside the iron door was none other than Rainbow’s sweet-to-the-heart smile.

“I’m bored at New Year’s, so I’ve come to squeeze in with you guys, do you mind?” Rainbow said with a smile. “It’s cold outside, let me in first?”

I hastily and clumsily pulled open the metal door, and Rainbow couldn’t wait to slip through the crack.

“This is my friend, called…” I explained to my smiling Lao, but for a moment I didn’t know whether to say her name was Rainbow or Rainbow.

“Call me Rainbow, rain as in rain, bow as in bow and arrow.” Rainbow hurriedly interjected.

“Friends?” Lao smiled ambiguously.

“Okay, girlfriend la.” I said with a shrug, it was exactly like that time in the hospital and I couldn’t help but admit it.

Shortly afterward, my mom and brother-in-law also entered the house. Mom was surprised for a while, but after my sister and brother took turns pulling mom to bite her ear, a smiling mom made a pot of high mountain oolong to welcome this lovely uninvited guest.

Rainbow was so generous and calm under the ambiguous smiles, I was really not as good as her. Occasionally, people asked questions they shouldn’t have, such as Rainbow’s family status or our relationship, and she was always able to bring up the subject without a trace, only pitying me, who was winking at my family members and making secret signals.

After dinner, of course, the regular program was mahjong, and Rainbow was also invited to the table. She was quite rusty at mahjong, but I don’t know whether it was because of her good luck or the political mahjong skills of her sister-in-law and brother, but she did add a few token incomes to the account book that I had never cashed in.

After twelve o’clock, the mother straight yells to go to bed, we had to withdraw the card game. Before going to bed, the mother specially sent two red envelopes to the rainbow and old brother’s girlfriend. Symbolic of six hundred dollars, but rainbow but excited tears, I rushed to embrace her into her arms, Mom a little overwhelmed, my sister quickly pulled Mom into the room.

“I haven’t gotten a New Year’s Eve present in seven years.” Rainbow whispered in my ear.

“If you want, I’ll give you one every year.” I patted her shoulder and comforted her with a smile, “But I’m poor and can only afford to pay the same price as my mom.”

“Cheapskate.” Rainbow whacked me in the chest.

The families were tacitly concentrating on enjoying the TV, pretending they didn’t see the scene.

“Wake up, lazybones.” Shaken awake in a daze, it was Rainbow.

“Come on, let’s go to the top floor and watch the sunrise.” Rainbow handed me my crutches without waiting for me to agree and helped me get up. Older brother and her girlfriend were still nestled on the couch sleeping soundly, not to mention mom and big sister and the girls.

“What time is it?” I put on my glasses in a daze and glanced at the clock on the wall, “Geez, it’s only six o’clock, let me get some more sleep!”

“I can’t, the sun is coming up.” Rainbow said firmly.

“Why do you want to go see the sunrise at this time?” I shook my head hard to clear my mind, then snapped, “The weather has been bad lately, so I probably won’t see it.”

“Because this house is on the top of the hill, and there are twenty floors, it must be able to see very clearly.” Rainbow smiled and said, “It’s rare for me to come here once, so you should accompany me to see the sunrise!”

I shook my head with a bitter smile and took two coats off the coat rack, one to drape over Rainbow and one to put on myself. Rainbow smiled smugly and buttoned them up one by one.

“Wait for me, I’m going to get something.” As we stepped into the elevator, Rainbow suddenly ran back into the room and I had to dutifully press the button to open the door and wait for her.

Rainbow came back with half a bottle of Royal Salute left over from yesterday, and two small glasses.

“I’m sorry I drank too much yesterday, so I’ll come back today and sneak a little more.” Rainbow said sticking her tongue out. I also knew that she hadn’t had much to drink yesterday by her standards, but that kind of drinking had put the houseguests off.

The elevator took us up to the top floor. It was windy and still dark. Rainbow turned on the lights and helped me walk to the wall, where someone had placed a few rattan chairs, worn but still seemingly solid, and I picked a taller one to sit down and leaned my crutches against the wall.

“It’s cold, squeeze!” After Rainbow confirmed the position of my left foot, she mischievously sat beside me and leaned close to me. Although separated by two thick coats, I could still feel her shivering, as indeed I was myself.

“How did you know there were chairs available here?” I asked suspiciously, even though I’d lived here for two weeks and I’d never been up to the top floor.

“This girl is omniscient.” Rainbow poured two glasses of wine and handed me one, which I took in passing.

“Happy New Year, Cheers!”

“Cheers!” said I, taking a soft sip and giving up the idea of pursuing the matter.

After two drinks with Rainbow, the alcohol gradually drove away the chill in the body, but the cold wind on the face is still a bit painful. The sky is getting brighter and brighter, we gazed at the distant piece of fish-belly white, no longer talk, afraid of not paying attention to miss the moment the sun rises.

The sun finally showed its face, gently and quietly peeking over the horizon, and a mere ten seconds later, blinding sunlight shot down on us, and though we couldn’t bear to part with it, we still had to turn our heads away.

“Without the sunshine, there is no dazzling rainbow.” The rainbow leaned lazily into my arms and said, “Can you be my sunshine?”

“Yes, I do,” I promise slowly, gently stroking Rainbow’s hair.

The Sunshine is finished…

It just so happens that Starburst has been reprinted at the same time. In a few days, I’ll continue with “The Evening of the Sun” and “The Water in the Sky”. (For those of you who want to know what happens next, don’t miss it…) What I find strange is that, apart from the time when Rainbow Bow appeared as a doppelgänger, when there was a lot of talk about it, it seems that there have been few comments on this series of novels. I don’t know if it’s just a bad story, or if no one’s reading it. (Both seem about right) :Q

While I’m obtaining the original drafts of the next two novels these days, let’s all make some noise. I’m sure the author would like to know what everyone thinks. Okay, just sauce.