prelude
The ambulance’s siren bell cut through the early morning sky, adding to the annoyance I felt when I couldn’t sleep in the first place.
As the bell rang, even the room vibrated with it, along with my incomplete heart.
The class I attended two weeks ago is a sight I’ll never forget. Just because I fainted once and was diagnosed with a long hospitalization, without even being told the name of the disease, I felt a sense of abandonment and despair…
My heart throbbed again, and I clutched my chest tightly. The medicine beside me… I didn’t touch it once, perhaps out of frustration! Even though I knew it was useless.
After some time, the throbbing pain subsided a little. I turned over the photo albums in my hand, pulling out one by one, tearing them off one by one… The bedside… the sheets were covered with shredded paper from the photos.
Why do I have to suffer like this? Why can’t I be free, like a bird in captivity, unable to spread its wings and fly? Why can’t I live like a normal person? Why… The sky… became brighter with the rising of the sun. But my heart… was never able to show its light.
Chapter 1: Yasuhiro Ito
Staying up all night has become a regular occurrence since I was admitted to the hospital, and even I am surprised that this is not the behavior of a heart patient.
I was a preemie and had a bad circulatory system like my heart from before. And other people going to school in kindergarten was really just a fantasy for me after being in the hospital for so long. So a good chunk of childhood was spent treating congenital heart disease.
It wasn’t until I was in the third grade of elementary school that I began to have fewer episodes of illness and realized how happy I was to have a fresh start in life. I spent eight years in peace.
But then, in my second year of high school, a heart attack pushed me back into the nightmare of my childhood… I was desperate. Because I knew that when a heart attack occurs after a long time, the chances of survival are very slim. I didn’t even know if I would be physically capable of undergoing the operation… Mom and the others kept asking for help, and she even thought of a heart transplant? Who would want to give their heart to a girl they’ve never met? Who wouldn’t want to live?
But… I really… wanted to continue living until… I became an old woman.
Seeing that it was almost time to deliver the medicine, I hurriedly collected the torn photos and hid them. But the pain in my chest came back, and if I moved a little too much or in a hurry, heart failure would occur.
‘You’re up! Why are you so early?” A slightly taller nurse walked in, clean white nurse’s uniform, black braids, plus a nurse’s cap on her head. The most important thing was her kind smile, which would relax one’s tight mood no matter what. Her name is Naoko Nakamura, the only older sister in this hospital that I would actively approach for conversation.
“Hm…” I watched as she picked up the tray from the cart, a simple breakfast of porridge and vegetables, with a generous supply of vitamins for every meal.
‘Don’t look like that, you’ll be fine!’ She said as she fixed the shelf, then set the dinner plate on it, poured a glass of water and set it next to Vitae’s life.
”Have some breakfast! Remember to take your medicine two hours later.” After Nakamura-san finished speaking, she immediately packed up her things with skillful maneuvers and moved the cart to another place.
“…” I looked at the porridge on the shelf, as if I had been eating this kind of stuff since before… Wasn’t it more important for a heart patient to have physical strength? Couldn’t a few pills, a few bottles of IVs be enough to cope with the situation. Then no one would have died that way, and I shouldn’t have stayed on.
After thinking to myself, I barely ate a few mouthfuls of porridge with no appetite, and swallowed the Vitamin Life with the boiling water.
Stay looking at the ceiling, listening to people say that everyone will see the ceiling will be different, will it? In my opinion, after seventeen years, I still only see a dead gray and pale like a hospital.
I glanced at the clock hanging on the wall, pointing to ten-five, two hours past. I turned down to the corner of the room to pour water and pressed it several times with no response, there was no water. I was about to turn around to ring the bell when I accidentally saw the scene in the park across the street from the hospital, there were several small children, Kokusai Elementary School students, I think. They were chasing each other in the park.
Rolling on the grass, swinging high on the swings, building unimaginable sand castles in the sand, sliding down and climbing up the slides, dodging ghosts in the block racks… This was childhood, the childhood that I dreamed of, but could never have…
I picked up the kettle but walked in the direction of the door. I don’t know why… Something told me to walk out of this door on my own two feet. A door that I’ve never walked out on my own before.
I stepped right onto the hallway outside the door, saw the water fountain near the stairway, and lifted my water bottle to head there.
Walking is already a big deal for a heart patient, let alone someone like me who hasn’t gotten out of bed for two weeks. My feet feel like they’re not growing on me, and they’re very inflexible. Every step I took took a lot of effort and energy, and within a few steps my heart was already racing.
“Almost there…” After walking for some distance and eventually dragging myself along, I managed to reach the stairway. I was about to put the kettle against the spout when something I’ll never forget happened.
“Ouch…” A considerable impact knocked me to the ground, and the kettle I couldn’t hold in my hand rolled to the other side of the corridor, with the water fountain gushing out.
‘I’m sorry! Are you alright?’ I braced my upper body and met the man’s gaze for a split second.
Only this moment… this moment of meeting his eyes, it was as if there was no distance, as if he was right in front of me looking at me without distance.
‘Is it okay? Let me help you back to your room…’ After he said this, his hand was already on my shoulder.
My mind went blank… Suddenly, there was an inexplicable pain in my chest, as if my heart was about to be torn out, as if a hand was inside me trying to rip it out. I collapsed in his arms in a twisted heap, my heartbeat seemingly pounding, and I couldn’t even seem to breathe.
‘Oi! Damn!!!’ I have no memory of what happened next, except that I felt… someone pick me up and I wondered where I was running to? It just felt… so warm.
I opened my eyes and managed to align the focus of my eyes to a focal point to see the scene in front of me slightly more clearly; it was my room.
“Hmm…” my head was a little dizzy, but my chest wasn’t as sad as it had been earlier.
‘Ah… you’re awake!’ A person I didn’t recognize walked in through the door with a kettle from the room in his hand and poured a glass of water and handed it to me. ‘For your medicine.’ He said.
“Thank you…”
“Right… I…” after taking the medicine, I was about to get up, but he held me down.
”I can’t! That nurse lady said you’re not allowed to move around.’ He pointed to the IV behind me.
I looked at him silently, and he looked at me, and I don’t know how long this kind of staring went on. Until he said the first words to end the situation.
”It’s a good thing you’re awake, or I might be interviewed by reporters!”
“…” I looked at him speechlessly because I didn’t know what to say.
”Uh… I’m glad you’re okay then, I’ll go back first.”
“Ah… I…” I called out to him as he was about to leave my room.
‘Anything else?’ He stopped three meters from my hospital bed.
“It’s fine, thanks for the ride back here.” I had a hard time telling him the words that I had been thinking about for a long time.
He nodded and smiled in a gesture, and closed the door behind him before leaving the area.
“Phew~” I gasped, my tense nerves finally relaxing. This was the first time I had the experience of being in a room with just another boy, and one I didn’t even know. Perhaps it was because he had saved my life, I didn’t feel repulsed by him, but rather… a sense of familiarity.
”We were really scared to death just now! Chae.’ Nakamura-san walked in and immediately gave me a head start.
‘Why did you have to fill the water all by yourself? Just use the call bell to ask me to come!’
“I’m sorry…” Of course I won’t tell her that I was the one who didn’t want to ask for your help.
”Never mind… be more careful next time! Tell me when something happens and I’ll take care of it for you.”
“Eh.” She said a few words before shaking her braid again and walking out, leaving me alone in the hospital room again.
Thinking he was bored, he simply hung the IV on the shelf and walked over to the window to continue looking out.
There were still little kids playing in the park, just fewer people. Watching… I unconsciously remembered that boy’s face, what was his name? I thought softly.
I laughed, I don’t know why… it was the first time I laughed out loud in the hospital.
That night I slept very well because I had a great dream, great… beautiful dream.
I got up not long after dawn. Waking up early has always been a habit I used to have, perhaps bye used to be treated for heart disease when I was a child, because there were times when I had to prosecute just after getting up in the morning.
I got up from the bed and walked towards the bathroom. Let’s fix my hair first and wash my face on the way, the doctor said that I can’t wash the water too hot for fear that my heart won’t be able to handle it. Doesn’t that mean I won’t be able to bathe in hot springs for the rest of my life? It’s really a big joke that I can’t wash the hot spring even though I was born in Beppu.
Walking out of the bathroom, the sign hanging above the bed caught my eye, hospitalized for observation. Nothing else, the rest is some name blood type birthday and other insignificant things, such a large room is only a bed, a short cabinet, put the kettle and cups of tea , and a small bathroom, no more.
The only contact with the outside was the window next to the bed. Honestly… As a child, I spent years in this very place, and even I couldn’t believe it.
In the sense that a hospital is just another name for prison to me, especially for a heart patient like me who can’t just run around, it really is like prison.
But… that thought only existed in my mind before I met that person. For the past few days down the line, I’ve been feeling the urge to go outside, just like I did last time.
So I tried my best to ask Nakamura-san to borrow a wheelchair for me, at least to be able to walk a little farther, and even to go to the park across the street if I could, just for a little while…’ ‘Chloe~’ The sound of the door being fastened, it was Nakamura-san. Unlike the previous ones, the cart in her hand had turned into a wheelchair. ”I went through a lot of trouble to apply for this, and you just didn’t respond?”
“AH… THANK YOU…” I watched as she pushed the wheelchair over to my bedside, then took the chair and sat down.
‘What’s wrong? Why do you suddenly want to use it?’ She sat down on the chair, then turned the page of instructions and handed it to me.
“Nothing… just wanted to say that it would be easier to move around with a wheelchair.”
‘I thought you said to just call us if you needed anything?’
“No… I want to say that if I have a wheelchair, I can go to places farther away, and I can do that without bothering you. And I have nothing to do if I stay here all day.”
”…” She suddenly didn’t speak, instead looking at me blankly.
“Wh… what’s wrong?”
”It’s fine! I’ll put the wheelchair here then~’ Nakamura-san fixed the wheelchair and demonstrated how to move it once and how to stop it. Along with the instructions, I learned it quickly.
‘That’s it, you know it already, it’s so easy to teach.’
“Hah… I’m a quick learner no matter what.” I realized that Nakamura-chan was once again looking at me blankly.
“¿… then I… can I go somewhere else?” I stopped the wheelchair and turned my head to ask her.
”That’s fine! But come back at the time of the medicine~’ As soon as I got her approval, as if I couldn’t wait, I took the wheelchair and walked out the door.
‘Has she changed at all?’ A physician, rather young, walked in through Choi’s door. The name tag bore Seiya Kobayashi, the attending physician of the cardiology department.
‘It seems a little… I can’t say, I don’t know what it feels like.’ Nakamura said.
‘Her parents came to see me again yesterday and now the problem is just the surgery.’
”… Is Chloe’s body able to withstand it?” Dr. Kobayashi shook his head.
‘The chances seem very low right now, so let’s watch it for a while.’
Nakamura didn’t say anything, just looked at the other end of the corridor, but couldn’t see the tiny figure.
I battled to stay in my wheelchair because there were seven people in the elevator and I was the only one who was different. Not only that, but I could hardly breathe with all the strange looks everyone was giving me. I felt like their eyes were saying, “Why are you in a wheelchair when there’s nothing wrong with you?”
Once they reached the first floor, the pressure was off when the others stepped out of the elevator.
“Ugh… I should have known better than to come out.” I finally stepped out of the elevator, and the hospital lobby was magnificently presented to me.
So many people. There were people at the registration desk, in the waiting area, up and down the stairs, and a steady stream of people coming in through the doors. It’s only nine o’clock in the morning, and the whole hospital, except for the floors with wards, is in an uproar.
The noise of children, the cross talk, the code readings in the consulting room, and the morning radio program broadcasts, and finally the big TV in the center of the hall, which is the loudest of all.
This is simply another world, I mentally shouted. Crowds of people come and go, and although they all pass me by, there is always a strange look in their eyes. It’s like a river with a strong flow, as if it’s trying to wash me away. This is probably what they call “social maladjustment”!
Maybe it’s been too long since I’ve seen this kind of scene, but think about it for just two weeks and it already feels that way.
No… Maybe, I’ve lost touch with this society. From the day of the heart attack.
Thinking of this, my chest hurt again, this time really should not come out, fell now in such a bad mood, but also wasted Nakamura sister me with the intention of borrowing a wheelchair.
”What’s wrong with you? You don’t look well.’
“I’m fine…” I turned my head to see who the voice was.
‘Hi~’ A familiar face appeared in front of me and my mind went blank again. The boy who knocked me down and took me to the emergency room.
‘Hello again, why are you over here?’
“I… came out for a walk.”
‘Want to have a chat?’ He gestured to the less crowded corner.
His name is Yasuhiro Ito and he just graduated from high school this year. He said he hit me last time because he was coming to the hospital and had an accident. Visiting the hospital? Then why did you run to the fifth floor? I asked him.
”Yo… that’s because I was bored, so I went to other places to look around.”
“But didn’t you already register?”
”Because there are just too many people here! I was already in the super back number by that time, and I’m a person who dislikes crowded places the most, and I wanted to say that I’d find a place to see if I could just be quiet for a while.”
I nodded in agreement, empathizing.
“Then why did you go to a floor with only wards?”
‘That’s the point, because I saw that one of the places in the hospital was the observation deck.’ The observation deck? My eyes immediately widened, a place like that in a hospital?
‘Going?’ It was as if he read my mind, or did my eyes give away the idea?
“Eh!” I nodded with a smile.
‘What’s your name?’
“Shiromoto Chae. Just call me Chae.”
With a ding, the elevator doors that reached the eighth floor opened, and it was just me and him walking out of the elevator. The eighth floor seemed a little smaller, with a few people coming and going from the wards in the hallway and only one nurse in the duty room.
I asked him where it was. He said it was at the end of the corridor. He pushed open the glass door at the end, as if it were not part of the hospital world, a small Western-style courtyard.
”It’s not bad, right? It looks as if it’s using the reserved land on this floor to build an addition.’
I couldn’t speak, I just stared. The large round flower garden was in the middle of the courtyard, the four sides of the round garden came out again in a long curved shape, and the outermost ones were right-angle shaped beds slightly against the wall, and the ones against the railing still had some distance left in them to allow one to see more distantly from the neighborhood.
What’s more, on the left side of it… covered with a swing that I had always dreamed of.
“Awesome…” I looked around, too surprised to speak.
‘It’s a nice place to be, it’s a world away from the hall.’
“Hmm… but why is it so quiet and not many people here?” I asked suspiciously.
‘I don’t know, probably on purpose.’ He pushed me over to where the railing was. The view was really good, because this hospital was located in the zone on the edge of the city, and the location of the observatory was at the back of the hospital, so at a glance there was a vast blue sky, and across the street you could look at the pale green mountains.
The cool breeze caressed past my face, it was true that the higher up you went the fresher the air was, the air you breathed in the hospital was completely different.
‘So you can come on your own, it’s boring to spend every day in the ward, isn’t it?’
“Well, thank you so much for taking me to such a nice place today.” I couldn’t stay there for too long because it was time for me to take my medicine. Otherwise, I really want to try what it’s really like to ride a swing.
“So… can you… come over tomorrow? I’d like someone to accompany me there.”
‘That’s fine! So what time do you want to go over tomorrow?’
“Is morning okay?” I said, gathering my courage.
‘Then let’s meet tomorrow morning at ten o’clock, at the flower garden.’
He left. As soon as I made an appointment with him for tomorrow, he had to go back beforehand.
That’s when… I realized that my heart was beating so fast, but there was no sense of pressure. It was completely different from before, and there was a… such a wonderful feeling with him.
I dug out the diary I brought with me when I was hospitalized and haven’t written in it since that day, and today this is the first one, the first one that stands out to me.
“I met someone who is so strange and doesn’t look at me in a different way like other people. He didn’t make me feel pressured and was very gentle with me. His name is Ito… Yasuhiro.”
With a “hiss” the rubber hose on my right arm loosened, and my tingling right hand turned slightly to allow the blood to flow.
‘Blood pressure 105, 68. normal.’ Sister Nakamura recorded the value of the meter on a special notepad and put away the rubber tubing and the instrument for measuring blood pressure.
”It’s been good lately oooh, the inspections haven’t been too much of a problem.”
“But doesn’t the average person have higher blood pressure?” I rolled my sleeve down and took a sip of water.
‘It can’t be helped, the supply to the circulatory system is weaker in people who don’t exercise much.’
Exercise… This term still existed when I was in elementary school, but I don’t know where it is now.
Nine-thirty, I looked at the clock on the wall, it would be good to go to the observation deck earlier. I thought so.
The elevator reached the eighth floor and I walked out alone. The scenery was still the same as yesterday, and I didn’t feel any people. The door of a hospital room was half-open, and a grandmother was sitting on a chair, leaning against the window and looking out peacefully, it should have been a long time.
I watched her from the door. She suddenly looked back and saw me and gave me a small smile, which I returned with a gesture.
I thought to myself, “What ward is this, and why doesn’t anyone here look like a patient. Looking around, there were no signs indicating anything, it seemed like just a long corridor.
Pushing open the glass door, I saw an extra person in the flower garden, and I thought no one would come.
He was leaning against the railing, with a woolen cap on his head, and a simple tunic in a costume that was not a hospital gown. He seemed to notice my presence, and before I could greet him, he was past me and through the door.
A patient on this floor? I looked at his back and also saw Ito coming from there.
‘I’m sorry… Have you been waiting long?’ I shook my head.
‘That’s good, I was going to say you’d be bored.’ How could it be? Going out is simply difficult for people like me. Like cleaning a filter, the kind of hard where no matter how many times you wash it, there’s no way to make it clean. I told him.
”… great analogy, so you’ll have to come out very rarely?”
“That’s true, but the thought of me being able to get out in a wheelchair is already exciting.”
‘Yeah.’ He chuckled.
I asked him to take me to the railing, and the next thing I knew, I wasn’t talking about anything, just quietly looking off into the distance, not saying a word. Looking at the mountains reminded me of the view of my hometown in Beppu.
The high voltage towers on the side of the mountain are articulated to the ground like cable cars, I rode a cable car that one time when I was a kid, but it seemed to be the last time as well. I saw a bare vein of ground on the side of the mountain, for some kind of building, I think! Another thought about the zoo at Mt. Takasaki.
“Are there deer on that hill? Or any other animals?” I asked.
”Deer? This is Tokyo yeah, how could there be.’ He said.
“But I don’t know why, as soon as I close my eyes. I feel the life in that mountain, that’s why I asked you if there would be deer.” He didn’t answer, looking at me silently.
‘It’s weird.’ He uttered the words as he looked at me. ‘Every time I look at you I get this incredible feeling, but I just can’t describe it.’
“Oh… it wouldn’t be called unbelievable if it was described.” I said with a smile.
”That’s right.” I didn’t tell him that I actually feel that way when I look at you ooh.
“So… what should I call you from now on, I can’t keep using the second person, can I?”
‘Hmm…’ He thought for a moment, then said. ‘Depending on whether it’s going to be my last name or my first name, I’m not going to care that much.’ He said.
“Really? Then I’ll call you Brother Jinghong from now on.”
I looked at him and felt relaxed with him, unlike with other people, even with Nakamura-san I couldn’t let go. But I had a strange feeling about him, as if we had agreed to meet at this hospital, at this place, a long time ago. Is this fate?
“Brother Jinghong. Do you believe in fate?” Thinking about it, I asked him.
‘Faith! How else do you think the two of us met?’
“Oh… you’re right.” It reminded me of that day, when I was insisting on going out for some reason, and I bumped into this boy who was right in front of me. It was really weird.
”Do you have anything you want? I can bring it to you on my next visit.”
“Let’s see… do you have a camera?” I said.
”Yeah, I’ll bring it next time then, will three rolls of negatives be enough?” I nodded my head and said yes.
After some time I asked him what time it was. He said eleven-thirty, and I fixed the time for each week’s inspection at twelve noon. So it can’t stay too long, I told him.
After leaving the observation deck, I kept trying to find the boy I had just seen for some reason, paying a little attention to the people in each room I passed, but I could never find him.
I saw the grandmother again, and she didn’t seem to notice me. She was still looking out the window as she had been before, not looking away.
‘How long are you going to be in the hospital?’ He asked me when we got on the elevator and no one was around. I shook my head and said I didn’t know because hospitalization had become routine for me, I said.
“So I spent a good chunk of my life in the hospital.”
‘Then you’re a pretty good girl to not give up on yourself.’
I didn’t answer, just looked at him with a smile. Who knew that I was the kind of person who used to want to die? But now, because of this man, I’ve changed my mind, albeit just a little bit, and it makes me feel that if I stay with him, things will definitely get better, no matter how long it takes…
‘I’m going home first~ I’ll see you tomorrow.’ He settled me down and prepared to move off.
“Don’t forget… the camera ooh.” I lay on the bed and watched his back leave.
I lay on my bed, quietly reflecting on the day, a short hour. The two of us barely got to say anything, because I didn’t know what to say, deeply afraid that an inappropriate word would ruin the atmosphere.
What should I do? I haven’t thought of it yet, and with all my effort I can’t think of what I should say to him the next time we meet. It looks like I’ll have to dabble in some more ways of getting along with people.
”Sai, it’s time for the checkup.” Nakamura-san knocked on the door of my room and walked in.
I got into a wheelchair and let her push me to the fourth floor clinic for a heart ultrasound and cardiac catheterization to find out the current incidence and use of my heart, and to decide on the dosage of my medication. That’s the way it’s been from before to now, and I really doubt that this weekly checkup is really productive.
“Nakamura-chan, do you have any books on relationships?” I asked.
‘Relationships… no yeah. Do you want to see it?’ She said.
“Um… want to know.”
”I can borrow it for you, but it might take a while ooh.”
“Thank you, and… what’s it like to like someone?”
”Huh?” Nakamura-san looked at me with a puzzled face, and was about to continue speaking when she was already bit at the door of the examination room. From now on it’s going to be shut up and no talking, so I didn’t bring it up until later.
And that’s something I didn’t realize for myself until later.
The first thing to do is to check the heart sounds first to see if there are any other complications such as mitral valve insufficiency or pulmonary edema, etc. Basically my mitral valve would have been incomplete, so there would have been heart failure.
Then came the ultrasound and EKG, and I pretty much had the whole procedure memorized, so there was no miscommunication with the doctor. It was over in less than half an hour.
Finally, cardiac catheterization showed mild pulmonary hypertension, no major problems with ventricular-atrial shunts, and a relatively normal gooseneck image on all left ventricular photography.
A couple of tests took about an hour in total, it might have taken longer before, but maybe it was because the results were unexpected this time! Other than the old problem of mitral valve insufficiency, everything else was fine. Even Dr. Kobayashi said it was incredible that there was no deterioration or other abnormalities, so maybe we won’t even have to operate or anything, I thought.
It seems that the chance of recovery is very high! Dr. Kobayashi told me afterwards. He asked me if I had been doing any rehabilitation lately. I told him that I just went to the observation deck and looked around in my wheelchair.
At first, his face suddenly changed when he heard about the observation deck, but he recovered quickly. He also told me that I could move outside more often when I have time, the fresh air is very helpful for rehabilitation, it’s much better than lying in bed all day. I gently nodded my head, signaling that I knew.
“I noticed a strange feeling today and don’t know how to describe it. Is it the feeling of being in love? Or is it liking? I’m going to… find out this answer for myself.”
I wrote this on the second page of my diary. What is liking? What about being in love? It’s a good topic to think about for this afternoon’s free time.
Another day has passed, and from yesterday afternoon until now, the question of liking it has been bothering me, it’s almost like it’s more difficult to solve than the chemical formula program at school. Although I thought about staying up all night, I was stopped by Nakamura-san. She said that there are no patients who stay up all night thinking about this kind of problem, and then drove me to bed. As a result, the whole day went by with no conclusion at all, so I really failed the test.
“Right… I forgot to tell him what time to come over!” It suddenly occurred to me at this point that I hadn’t made an appointment with Brother Jinghong yesterday to meet him at any time or place, and that I had forgotten such an important thing! I smacked myself on the head and cursed the idiot.
I turned around and got out of bed, going to the bathroom to freshen up, which was strange, because I didn’t really pay that much attention to my appearance before. I’m a patient anyway, so I don’t have to look bad. But now, whenever I’m going to the observation deck, I always freshen up and tidy up first. It’s like getting ready for a date. Am I changing? I think so.
In any case, I’d better check out the observation deck first, and poke around that floor in the meantime.
The curious part of me told me so.
When the elevator reached the eighth floor, I would only go to the eighth floor. But what’s different today… is that… there seem to be more people.
There were a few more people in the hallway, like visitors. Instead of staying in their rooms, the patients wearing hospital gowns were on the benches chatting with people who looked like their friends and smiling happily. I also saw the grandmother, still in her room, but with another grandfather and a grandson beside her, I think. She was also smiling happily.
I’m still looking for the boy from the other day, trying to say what he would have come out for, and still no sign of him. Maybe he’s not a patient, I guess.
Pushing open the glass door, he was already there. Sure enough my hunch was right about coming to the observation deck.
“So many people today!” I looked around and there were quite a few people here at the observation deck as well.
‘Um… I’m so sorry about yesterday, I forgot to make an appointment with you and left.’ He put down the camera that was pointed at the sky and put on the dust cover.
“What are you filming?” I was curious what he was filming.
‘The sky.’ He pointed upwards. ‘I’ve loved the sky since I was a kid, especially when I was in the countryside, where the sky was so wide it couldn’t be compared to Tokyo.’ So where do you live? I asked.
”My family used to live in Matsuyama Prefecture, I forgot why I moved to Tokyo.”
“Matsuyama! Isn’t that the setting of Natsume Soseki’s “Little Master” novel?”
Because I’m a huge fan of novels, especially those from the post-war period, I have almost all of Natsume Soseki’s, Kawasui Yasunari’s, Mishima Yukio’s and Yasushi Inoue’s works in my collection.
‘Uh… yes, do you like reading novels?’
“I wanted to be a novelist!” Since I was a kid, I’ve never been good at dealing with other people, and I’ve always looked for my own world in novels, in other words, I’m very autistic.
‘So where does your family live?’ He said.
“It’s just in Beppu, it’s only an hour or so by boat to Matsuyama.” I said.
‘Taking a boat… Thinking about how I used to live in Shikoku, I can’t believe I’ve even forgotten what the captain looks like.’
“Hah…” I laughed softly, thinking that he was really funny and good at making people laugh, something I’ve never been able to do, and something I’ve always tried to strive for.
Do you want to take a picture? He asked me, otherwise it would be a waste of effort to ask him to bring a camera for me. I think the last time I took a picture was on a summer trip during my freshman year of high school. It’s been a long time. That is, the photos that I tore up one by one before, and I ended up taping them back together again, because it was another proof of survival in the world, as I realized later.
Are there enough negatives? I asked. He said three rolls for me to shoot until I didn’t want to.
He pressed the shutter and the first image of the scene was reflected on the negative from the shrinking action of the lens.
But I wasn’t ready for that, and I called out to him in a panic that he mustn’t let anyone else see it.
This is the first one, very memorable, of course, ownership is you. He said.
‘You have a nice smile, why don’t you let go a little more?’ He asked me after two or three shots.
“No, it’s just that I don’t feel natural in front of the camera.” I said.
”Then think of something fun! Things that can make you feel happy.’
Happy? I don’t think so. Come to think of it, I really didn’t laugh very often, and the only time I remember vividly was in my first year of high school. And… when I met him, I realized what real laughter was.
Thinking about this, and then looking at Jinghong’s face, I unconsciously broke into a smile.
‘That’s it!’ He immediately pressed the shutter, and I froze for a moment. When I looked back, I realized that it was as if he was shooting a photo album, and the model was me…
”That smile just now was great! Did you think of something happy?”
“No… I was thinking about my old classmates.” Actually, it’s mostly because of you, I thought to myself.
“Don’t just film me… it’s weird…” I said, blushing. “Or… do you want to film with me?” The words came out of my mouth, surprising even me.
”Yes… yes… yes… then I’ll go get someone.” He looked as if he ran off in a panic. Did I say something wrong?
‘After pressing the shutter, adjust the roll lever once more, shutter here…’ There he was teaching the people he had found to use the camera, while I watched from behind. Since this was my first time taking a picture with a boy, my heart was beating very hard, so I hoped nothing would go wrong, I said.
‘That’s it, is that okay?’ He finished his explanation and ran over to me. ‘Is it okay if I stand behind the wheelchair?’ He said.
“Can… can!” I was starting to get nervous, from the moment he stood behind me, my heart was beating faster than it had been earlier, and my cheeks were starting to heat up.
When the man was about to press the shutter, I yelled at him to stop because it was too much to bear.
‘What’s wrong?’
“My heart is beating so hard, I’m afraid something will happen…” I rubbed my chest and looked at him.
‘Chae.’ He called out to me. ‘Believe in yourself, just like that perfect smile just now. You want to be a novelist, are you afraid you can’t do something like take a picture?’
Strangely enough, Jing Hong’s words were like ice water, lowering the temperature of my cheeks, and my heartbeat gradually eased back to its original normal state.
‘Go for it!’ He patted me on the shoulder and gave the man the ready sign.
When the shutter was pressed and I heard that sound, I felt an indescribable feeling… a sense of fulfillment, I guess. Because I had overcome this obstacle, I felt much calmer.
‘This is the first memorable photo again.’ He said with a gentle smile.
I smiled and nodded, and asked him for a few more pictures.
The time passed quickly and it was already around 5 or 6 in the evening. The last of the negatives are left, and now he and I are scratching our heads as to what to do. I suggested to him, he said no, because the last one is also a very good one. I suggested to him, he said no counts, because the last one is also very memorable, rather than recorded in other places.
“Let me take your last one then! Otherwise there won’t even be a personal picture of you in the photos.” Actually, half of that statement was for myself, wanting to keep it for myself.
‘Yeah, well, pick a place for me!’ He said.
I searched the range of the observatory and found the same place where I last looked at the railing of the vista.
The light from the setting sun was pouring out all over the sky, and the warm pink sky was mixed with lavender clouds, creating a scene like a fantasy world. The mountains that I had seen last time were also covered in light, stretching all the way to the border.
“How about there?” I pointed to the railing.
”It’s nice! I’ve had my eye on that place for a long time, and the last time I was here, you had a great eye.’
I picked up the camera and pointed the lens at Jinghong, and the scope of the view I had just seen was coincidentally reflected in the viewing window. I took a deep breath and pressed the shutter…
After a roll of film, he opened the back cover and took out the negative, closed the back cover and handed it to me.
‘The camera will be mailed to you for now, and I’ll take the negatives to be washed today.’
“Well, then I’ll be waiting for you to bring it to me tomorrow at noon in the hospital room!” I hold the camera carefully. The elevator door opens on the fifth floor and I get out on my own because he has to take the negatives to be developed right away.
“Right! Brother Yasuhiro.” I turned my wheelchair around to him. “See you tomorrow, don’t forget.”
He smiled and waved before closing the elevator doors, the grinding of the cables ringing out as the floors descended.
“The sky is beautiful today, and everything that happens during this period is recorded in photos. What is the feeling of liking and falling in love? I think I already know…”
[End]