(by Fujii Itsuki)
‘The wind is ordinary, the rain is ordinary
Flowers are ordinary, trees are ordinary
Ordinary people, ordinary shadows.
You’re ordinary, I’m ordinary.
It’s just that…
The love I give, even if it’s not ordinary.
But what you give me is always lonely…”
finish writing
Fold this piece of paper into the shape of a paper airplane
From the top floor of my house…
My house is a 25-floor elevator apartment building.
Located in Kaohsiung City
And my house is on the 25th floor.
If you want to see the night view of Kaohsiung City, just open the window.
But I like to hold a piece of paper.
Take a pen.
Go to the top floor for a night view.
Write something that only you may understand
Fold it into a paper airplane.
And throw it east.
I guess I’ve been doing this for a long time.
It becomes a habit.
I go to the penthouse every night.
Grab a piece of paper.
Take a pen.
It’s just a matter of writing something that runs from the sky.
It becomes a fantasy of love.
Fantasizing about how good it is
Fantasy it’s bad
Imagine the heartbreak and hurt when it dissipates.
And the joy and helplessness of its existence
But…
It’s all just a fantasy…
however
My fantasies don’t seem to have been taken seriously…
The paper airplane I threw that day.
Back to square one.
What’s different is that someone wrote underneath what I wrote.
‘The wind is at its ease, the rain is at its ease’
The flower is at home, the tree is at home.
be at ease, and the movie will follow you
You’re at ease, I’m at ease.
Because…
You write about love, even if it’s not comfortable.
Everything I write must be about love…”
This paper is taped to the wall of the penthouse.
I looked left and right
There’s no one here but me.
inquisitive
I wrote another one.
‘Maybe one day the sky will turn red’
That means I broke my heart for love.
Maybe one day the earth will turn black.
That means I’m hurting for love.
Maybe someday the clouds will turn brown
That means I’ve given up on love.
Maybe one day the world will turn a dull color.
That means I’m dead to love…
cannot be said be
Even if I give myself the chance to go back one more time
There’s no rainbow waiting for me…”
finish writing
Fold into the shape of a paper airplane
Throw it…
on alternate days
My heart hangs on the top floor of my house…
in the evening
Get a piece of paper out of habit.
With a pen.
Treading with trepidation
Go to the top floor if you’re not used to it.
‘Maybe someday the stars will turn blue’
That means I’m in love.
Maybe someday the moon will turn golden
That means I’ve been touched by love.
Maybe someday the evening breeze will turn silver
That means I’ve had my heart stolen by love.
Maybe someday the dreams will turn into colors
That means I’m in love…
it is said
If you give yourself the chance to go back one more time
There will be more than just rainbows waiting for you…”
The paper airplane that was thrown out returned to its original position.
There’s something on it, too…
I started trying to find out who the hell was picking up my paper airplanes.
as a result
I took out a pen and paper and wrote.
‘If my moods could remote-control an airplane back to the point of origin’
So who can my handwriting remotely control to come to me?’
Fold into the shape of a paper airplane
Throw it out…
on alternate days
It’s like an airplane coming back to square one.
I’m just as up and down as I am down.
Things like this are too much of a story
It became a shock of anticipation for me
What to expect?
A girl always dreams of Prince Charming.
Looking forward to the day when he’ll kiss his sleeping self awake.
What’s the impact?
The impact is that spear and shield of fantasy and reality
Echoes that have been clanging in my heart for days.
still
The paper airplane is still back.
This is really happening in real life.
And the fantasy part.
I’m the only one who’s ever met someone in this world.
Yes…
Love obsessions.
Blame me?
Yes!
Blame me!
Blame me for getting tangled up in his hooks.
Blame me for being drawn to his every word.
I no longer care if I’m asleep?
Because it doesn’t matter anymore if I’m awake or not…
‘It’s not just paper airplanes that you’re in the mood for remote control’
And I’m not the only one remotely controlled by your handwriting…”
Yes!
It’s papered on the penthouse fence.
I still only see paper.
And paper can’t kiss me awake.
PS: The 6:30am bus.
I’m used to sitting second from the left…”
A bus?
6:30?
Did he take the same bus as me?
Does that mean he lives…?
So princes don’t ride white horses anymore.
Take the bus instead…
Take out a pen and paper.
Write.
‘I don’t know what time the bus leaves in the afternoon.’
I’m used to waiting until it’s not crowded…”
Throw it out…
5:28 a.m.
I woke up the alarm clock…
What does that mean?
Indicates that my life has been messed up by paper airplanes?
Or is my life messed up by the 6:30am bus run?
It’s a mess…
Gotta find the culprit!
The bus came six minutes early today.
Second position on the left.
No one…
Since there’s no one in the second position
So what was I expecting?
incremental
I started laughing at myself.
Laughing at my own foolishness
Laughing at my own naivety
I’m laughing at myself for living in a fantasy where even my breath has lost its color.
The buses are going extra fast today.
Today, time passes very slowly…
afternoon
I’m still in the habit of waiting for the least crowded bus.
indeed
People are strange.
The more you resist thinking about it.
The more you’ll think about it.
yea
I started folding paper airplanes on the side of the road.
Every piece of paper has the same sentence written on it.
‘Sitting in the second seat on the left
Just the morning sunlight slipping in through the window.
Not…”
But where do I throw it?
Suddenly I’ve lost all my bearings.
It’s as empty as anything.
Like standing five meters off the ground.
And can’t feel the four sides
The air you breathe into your lungs is blue.
And what comes out is dark gray.
Really?
Do I already care that much about where that paper airplane goes?
No way!
It’s the man I care about.
The guy in the second seat on the left on the bus.
Instead of a building wrapped in a golden skin that makes me sentimental, the more I write about the sunshine of the morning
lit. the more you write, the more confused you get
The more you fold it, the less it looks like an airplane.
And like
A heart so distorted by longing for him…
This heart looks so ugly.
He can’t see it.
Count 32.
Throw all this half-hearted, half-airplane stuff into the garbage can at the 7-11 at the intersection and then straighten out your empty, messy heart.
Here comes the least crowded bus…
Whether my breath has color or not
I’m still going to the top floor to see the night view and drop the plane.
‘I’d like to be the sunshine
Because the sun can ring around you with impunity.
Not like…”
Stick it on the fence.
32 sheets…
It’s tears, isn’t it!
I’m sure it’s tears.
Because it’s not raining.
I can’t find anything to blame for the two lines of water tracing the path of my face, even though I don’t let airplanes fly.
He’s still gonna give me my plane back.
Even though I folded the plane like a twisted heart.
He’ll still return his twisted heart to its original square.
repulsive
It’s defeating the purpose of me coming up to the penthouse in the first place.
I used to think I went up to the top floor just for the breeze.
I used to think I went up to the top floor just for the night view.
I used to think that I went up to the top floor just for the moment of emotion when I watched my feelings lifting up in the air I used to think that I…
turns out
The past is really the past…
These 32 sheets of paper fluttering in the wind on the wall.
It used to be the anchor of my desire to see him.
And what was is still what was.
He’s just as nasty as he is to just give me back the paper.
But I’ve been hogging my aimless thoughts.
Tear the paper off one by one.
It’s flowing like tears.
I’m starting to hate myself for not being able to break away from the natural vulnerability of women.
Forgetting that the fall of a tear may take away all dignity.
it goes without saying
Paper airplanes are for yourself.
It’s for the sky.
It’s for my fantasy world.
Now what?
I’m covered in a purple haze.
When my motives for folding paper airplanes were no longer so pure.
Does it fly at a less rounded angle?
Okay!
last
Just one last time.
Fold a paper airplane for…
He…
‘Paper airplanes with tears attached
Does it lose its center of gravity?
if it will
Which way will it fly?
My heart has long been turned into a paper airplane
But it was the first time that I had tears in my eyes.
Will it lose its center of gravity?
I think I will.
on account of
It’s already heading in your direction…”
last
Throw the paper airplanes.
wake up
The smell of last night’s messy and lonely penthouse is still on my body.
I told myself I’d stop folding paper airplanes today.
Not to mention throwing it out.
What does that mean?
It means I won’t be confused anymore.
I will no longer color my breath.
I’ll never let myself get five meters off the ground again just for a silly idea. I’ll never want to see him again.
as far as I’m concerned
He doesn’t exist.
The only thing that exists is the calculating paper I bought with my allowance.
Pentel’s water-based pens
And the crystallization of my feelings after I’ve thought about it.
I’m starting to think of it as a prank.
It’s just a bored person taking a walk and getting hit by my paper airplanes in retaliation It’s just an unprofessional person with binoculars watching my every move every night and then going downstairs to pick up my paper airplanes and say a few words about them before sticking them back to where they came from It’s just an environmentalist who doesn’t like the garbage that I create every night and puts the paper airplanes back to where they belong to make me be critical It’s just a…
Damn you…
I’m probably brain-shy!
Being fooled by your own stupid fantasies and starting to call people names
I wasn’t supposed to be like this.
A lady wouldn’t do that.
At least that’s what my mom taught me.
the reason why
yea
I’m a lady.
But he’s still a fucking dick.
The bus came six minutes early today, as usual.
Second from the left.
It’s the same morning sun.
It’s just that…
There’s a rectangular shadow on the sun
Makes the sunlight look a little crippled
on account of
There’s a piece of paper on the window…
‘Paper airplanes with tears attached
Does it lose its center of gravity?
I don’t know.
All I know is the bus is long gone.
Took the center of gravity out of my yesterday
Will my heart be a paper airplane hangar or not?
I don’t know.
All I know is the paper airplanes that fly to me.
If it contains tears
It’s my sin…”
I’ll be sitting second from the left.
Hold back the tears and finish it.
What to do?
My breath is draining again…
“I’m sorry… I missed the bus yesterday…”
Ah?
A boy’s voice spoke from directly behind me.
I was so scared.
I can’t look back.
I just feel like my vision is floating.
My hands were rubbing the edges of my bag.
And my palms are starting to sweat.
I can’t even look down.
Neither is not bowing down.
“Don’t you be afraid!
If you’re really scared
I can keep quiet…”
Scared?
I’m scared?
It’s like I’m really scared.
It’s the same feeling as when a boy I don’t know kisses me just because it’s so sudden.
The rudder of the heart steers it like a boat in a stormy sea.
What to do?
All I can do is float my sight
Sweating red-faced and hot
With his head half bowed, he couldn’t say a word.
“I’m sorry!
I know you were shocked.
I didn’t mean it!”
it doesn’t matter
I’ll forgive you even if you did it on purpose.
But…
I still don’t have the courage to turn around…
I’ll take out the paper.
Take out your pen.
‘Second from the left.
I borrowed it today.
Discover what it feels like to sit on that
red
sticky
And it’s very, very bumpy.
I’m not used to it.
Better give it back to him!’
Take the double sided tape out of your book bag
Before the stop sign stops
Put it on the window.
And then I got out of the car…
I’m not at the station yet.
It’s a ways to the school.
Get off.
I’m standing in front of a stop sign.
Kaohsiung City, Zhongzheng 1st Road at 6:45 a.m.
The coolness of a summer morning
I got out of the car after all.
I can’t get to the end of a bumpy ride like that.
rest assured!
I want to see him.
Otherwise I wouldn’t have been staring at the second seat on the left as soon as I got in the car.
But I didn’t expect him to come out like this
It’ll scare me so much I won’t even look back.
Is it just me?
I think so!
Even though I’m still in the mood to see him.
The bus is out of my sight.
It started raining in the afternoon.
I’m in a depressed mood.
I can’t get wet.
Because if I catch a cold, I’m in the hospital for days.
Even though it’s obviously just a tiny little cold
Mom’s car pulls up to me.
Opened the door and let me in.
I got in the car.
Pat down the water droplets that have just fallen on your body
I don’t want the cold air in the car to send me to the hospital.
“Pop!”
Suddenly a man puts a piece of paper on the car window.
And then smiled at me.
He turned away from me.
Mom asked who that was.
I didn’t answer.
Because my heart
It’s on the paper…
‘I love you!
Liang Jia Yun!”
It’s raining outside the window.
I didn’t get a good look at the boy’s face.
But I have a vague image of him in my mind.
A blurry pair of glasses.
A blur of a smiling face
Fuzzy side of the palm
A blur of a tall, thin back
The paper’s wet.
My heart was also wet as the water ran through the fibers of the paper and expanded its original form.
Because those six words are festering in my heart too
The way it was in my mind…
God knows where he got my name from.
I never talked to boys in school.
Even the girls I’m just asking and answering.
however
I’m glad he knows my name…
Finally, I know why all the heroines in novels are so moved by those three words, it feels like they’re welded to the wall of their hearts.
And welded that man to the heart plate.
Words like that, of course, scared my mom.
A girl who’s only a sophomore in high school gets caught on the spot by her mom in a scene like this even though my family lives on the shores of Clarion Lake I can’t explain the scenario.
That’s it.
I’m not allowed on the top floor.
Banned from folding paper airplanes
forbidden to take the bus
He was also banned from attending this school…
The paperwork for the transfer went quickly.
Loss comes quickly.
It’s only been a few days.
I’ve lost my illusions.
Lost my sky
Lost my paper airplane.
And I lost myself.
No more 25th floor nights in my life.
Because my house is from a high-rise in downtown Kaohsiung.
Turned into a single-family house in the outskirts of Taipei City
My school from Kaohsiung C.C.S. High School
It’s become the private Darren Girls’ High School in Taipei.
And my paper airplane.
It’s still in the heart of that boy in Kaohsiung.
When will the paper airplane in me stop flying?
I want to…
It’ll take some time…
6:24 a.m.
I’m sitting on the bed.
The bus is running down the road.
The sun is ringing around me
Second position on the left.
I think he’ll keep it for me…
New home in Neihu District, Taipei City
My house is on a small lake.
The school is also on the lake.
And my mode of transportation to school has changed from the bus.
Turned into my feet
every morning
I’ll just walk around the lake to the school.
at the end of the school day
I’ll just walk home around the lake.
The lake is beautiful.
The environment is also very quiet
And my soul’s trust
Also from the original 25th floor night view
Turned into a lake view
I take advantage of school and home every day.
Lounging by the lake
It’s the only time
Leung Ka Wan really belongs to Leung Ka Wan.
without doubt
You can’t throw paper airplanes at the lake.
But as long as breathing continues
My mood swings will continue.
A day without paper airplanes
I’m getting used to spreading my mood on the lake.
The day I moved to Taipei, though everything was different.
But to be honest, it’s not that uncomfortable.
every day every day
I live in a circle other than school.
(coll.) of course
And the lake that accompanies me to school every day.
Yeah!
Everything’s different.
But what’s the same are the dreams that those paper airplanes drew for me in the air.
And the boy’s tall, thin back
How did the time pass, I wonder?
I’m a senior.
Faced with my family telling me every day to get into a good school.
And the stress of schoolwork
I went to school every day along the lake.
But she came home from Taipei City in her mom’s car.
on account of
I live in a world outside of school, home and that lake.
One more cram school.
Half the time belonging to Leong Gia Wan was lost…
slowly
Uniforms changed from long-sleeved to short-sleeved
The leaves around the lake turned from haggard yellow to lime green
Senior year ends with a toss and turn between short and long sleeves
The joint exams also ended with only a hand fan against the sun
I don’t know if that’s a good grade.
All I know is that I sure as hell didn’t fill out the volunteer card myself.
And I’ve always wanted to go back to Kaohsiung for college.
And by mom’s choice, it became an impossible luxury.
I went to the Chinese Department of the University of Political Science
summer vacation
Everybody’s busy.
Busy playing…
What about me?
I’m busy too.
I’m too busy going to the lake every day.
I was busy organizing my pre-JCSE messy mind.
I’m too busy packing up my dreams from 25 floors up.
Too busy thinking of that backside that’s so clear it’s scary.
one morning
The mailman delivered a bunch of stuff.
There’s a bill for Mom’s cell phone.
Utility bills
Credit card statement from Chinatrust Commercial Bank
Carrefour’s shopping catalog
Celebration Invitation for Cram School
And a card with a tiny paper airplane stuck to it…
‘You appeared, you disappeared, you appeared…’
I saw it. I lost it. I saw it…
And I found out.
Leung Ka Wan is more than a name
It’s also what I’ve been thinking about for over a year…”
Paper Airplane Dreams
And then slowly…
Did he send this?
It’s probably…
Because the world is so boring except for him
I can’t think of anyone else.
But why does he know my address?
There’s been no contact for over a year.
The distance between Taipei and Kaohsiung is at least 340 kilometers
You can’t even get there by bus.
But why does he know my address?
But…
I’m glad he knows my address.
The dream of paper airplanes went blank for over a year
Starting to color again.
The paper airplane in my heart
It’s starting to come out in more than seven colors of the rainbow.
That’s a good start.
It’s just a card.
But at least my paper airplanes have a hangar again.
I’ve been in Taipei for over a year.
First time going out on my own.
It was also the first time I took a Taipei bus by myself.
Celebration dinner for the cram school was held at Hotel C
It’s the first time I’ve eaten with so many people.
unfamiliar
I’ve been in cram school for a year.
But don’t recognize any of them.
I’ve had boys sit next to me and talk to me.
But I never cared.
My classmates at school say I’m too quiet.
Quiet to the point of being a bit of a loner
Actually, I know.
I just don’t know what to say.
Even at home.
Mom talks to me only when she asks questions.
I don’t get to talk about anything else.
the reason why
You could say that.
I’m used to being quiet.
I’ve gotten used to looking at people with my eyes.
It’s not that I don’t like to talk.
but
I don’t know what to say.
Sitting in the lobby of the hotel.
All you hear is the sound of high heels on marble floors.
And the sounds of people sitting to my left and right comparing their new schools
“Liang Jia Yun, there’s someone looking for you over at the gate.”
The class advisor tapped me on the shoulder and told me
I’m heading for the front door.
There’s a lot of people here.
I don’t know who’s looking for me.
“Sister, are you Sister Liang?”
A little brother looked up and tugged on my skirt and asked me.
The other hand is holding a paper airplane.
“A big brother told me to bring it to you!”
This airplane is purple.
‘I’m sorry.
I don’t think I’ve ever wondered if my presence bothers you.
So I need your answer.
If you’ll answer me.
Please go 100 meters to your right…”
Trouble?
That’s not a very positive word.
I started throwing paper airplanes.
Until he shows up.
I never thought he’d bother me.
If it really bothers you.
It’s the paper airplanes that bother me.
It’s my mood that’s giving me trouble
I’m the one who’s giving myself a hard time.
He’s the one who molded my obsession.
So he gets a lot of credit.
I always thought the sky was the only place I could put my feelings.
The night scene is a pad for me to write down my moods
But after he showed up.
He does it all.
Okay!
If he’s really bothering me
I’m willing to take my troubles into my life.
Every time he appeared, he struck a nerve.
If my heart is like a harp.
He’s the player.
But I want to know.
Why does he know about my cram school?
Why did you come to Taipei?
Why do you know my address?
100 meters to the right.
Should I go or not?
How will this visit change the dream of paper airplanes?
Think about it.
How much has he blurred my thoughts?
Even this moment of wanting to see him is a blur.
Is that a favorite?
I’ve never felt like this before.
What do I like?
The paper airplane he gave me back?
His harp-strumming hands?
Or his people…?
I’ve read too many romance novels.
Knowledge that is not knowledge tells me that such love is dangerous.
He was the one who opened the door to my love.
When I get inside.
Will he close the door?
Mom took me away from this dream I’d woven with him.
I think
It’s time for me to face it.
How far is 100 meters to the right?
I have no concept of distance.
Just walk.
The heart just beats.
What happens next?
I’ll wait…
“Ryang Ja-wan…”
There’s a boy’s voice behind me calling me that.
It’s a voice I haven’t been able to forget for over a year…
The voice of the boy on the 6:24 bus…
I’ll turn around.
There’s a pair of clear eyes looking at me
Through a pair of glasses…
number one
I got a good look at the guy who’s been hanging on my heart for over a year.
“I need your answer…”
I shake my head.
And give him back the purple paper airplane.
He took the paper airplane.
stricken
You don’t seem to understand what I mean…
“Your classmates told me you moved to Taipei
So I’ve been calling since my senior year of high school.
I’ve asked every cram school in Taipei.
There’s only one Ryang Ja-wan…”
I nod my head.
“If I do this to cause you distress
Then I’m sorry…”
I shake my head.
“Are you free?”
I nod my head.
“Are you free any day between now and whatever day in the future?”
I looked at him.
Mentally speculating on the meaning of this statement…
He moved forward.
Kissed me…
I’m still trying to figure out what that means…
And then…
I nodded…
The End