[Writing in front]
Tomorrow, I have to make a seminar, but today, I was dragged to the movies by a small stupid child, and when I came back, I watched the paper again, and after I finished, it was already 4:30, but my spirit was surprisingly good, and since I can’t sleep, I’ll just write the article!
This is my first time to try to write a love story, maybe not good, please include more advice!
I’ve been in a very unstable mood lately, and every night I have the urge to jump off a building, and I’m afraid that any article I write in that mood won’t be too good, but if I don’t write an article, I’m afraid I’ll actually jump off a building. No matter what, I have to finish it, and after I finish it, I will stop writing other stories until May, including the old ones that I am going to retype. After the seminar, my boss told me, “You did well today! You did a great job today!” Boss, with your support, I will definitely graduate in two years. I will definitely work hard, I will definitely not go to watch MTV with the magic pig next week, and I will definitely finish the paper you gave me.
And don’t think for a second that the me in the article is really me Lance, I’m only twenty-four, not twenty-eight, and I don’t have the money to drive a sun-drill to pick up girlfriends. Much less use improper means to trick women into bed.
Better keep trying to finish writing! Hopefully I’ll be done writing by spring break. As long as I’m emotionally stable enough.
This time, some of the people in there are supposed to be speaking Taiwanese, but it’s really hard for me to express myself in Taiwanese, so I’ve converted almost all of the Taiwanese expressions and grammar into similar Mandarin expressions. However, I’m afraid that if I use Mandarin to express myself, the meaning and tone will not be as good as that of Taiwanese. So here’s the deal! My dad and mom and the elders all speak Taiwanese. The rest of us don’t necessarily speak Taiwanese, so you can judge for yourself!
All right! The main article is starting!
I was sitting in front of the mirror table, the hairdresser was busily blow-drying my hair behind me, and I looked into the mirror, but I couldn’t see anything.
Today I’m going to marry Yi, and after I blow-dry my hair, I’m going to get in a rented sedan and go to Yi’s house and marry her.
Uh-huh! Where to start? Let’s start by introducing myself! I’m twenty-eight years old, born in a small town, this one afraid you won’t even see her for a second, but I was born here.
My father was a farmer’s son, but when he was fifteen years old, my grandfather went to heaven, so when the family property was divided up, he was given a piece of barren dry land, where he could only grow groundnuts, peanuts, and other miscellaneous grains. At the age of fifteen, my father was apprenticed to a bicycle mechanic and later to a locomotive mechanic. Anyway, he gave birth to me at the age of thirty, and I have an older brother who is three years older.
My dad repaired locomotives until he was 50 years old, but a road opened up next to the family’s land, so my family’s piece of land went up more than ten times the land value, and it took my father another year and a half before he sold it, and the family’s savings went up to an eight-digit number, lol!
So in my sophomore year, my family became rich. My father had stopped repairing motorcycles, and now he played with my brother’s son all day long, and occasionally went out to play mahjong with his friends or to go fishing; it was because Ayi’s father also liked fishing that I got to know Ayi, and even two hours later, we had to worship our ancestors with her, and make toasts to the guests at table after table. Ayi is my third girlfriend, and I would say the biggest difference between her and the first two girls is: it’s time for her to get married. Then my feeling about her is: this girl is good, marry her home.
That doesn’t seem like much of a romance, but it’s true, it’s time for both of us to get married, and I feel good about her, and she feels good about me, okay! So let’s get married! So we’ve known each other for three months, and I’m sitting in this chair, letting that hairdresser play with my hair.
It’s like getting up when the alarm clock goes off; we’re getting married when we’re old enough. “It’s called an alarm clock marriage.” , said Akira Otori, my high school best friend.
Although Ootori Akira was my classmate, he was two years older than me, because he retook the exam and was repeated, two years ago he got married, the bride was introduced by his aunt, that night when drinking, Ootori Akira said so.
I laughed at him at the time, but now I can really relate!
“Do you love me?” Yi asked me this after she slept with me for the first time.
“Love you! How can I not love you? Didn’t I love you enough just now? Want to love again?” I hugged her a little tighter.
“I’m not talking about that!” Yi laughed and punched me, “I’m talking about whether I’m the only one in your heart.”
“Of course! You’re the only one in my heart! Little Yiyi.” I said.
“You can’t change your mind later!” Yi said as she looked into my eyes, there was a glow in her eyes, and it was as if it was a vortex that was trying to swirl me down.
“Don’t worry! You’re the one I love the most in my life! Unless the sun comes out of the west, I will never change my mind.” I said this. Yi happily leaned on my shoulder.
At that time I thought of Snow, she had asked me the same thing, but not in bed, at that time I was still very innocent and didn’t have the guts. What I said then was, “None of us know what the future holds, but what I can guarantee is that you’re the only one in my heart right now, and you’re the one I love the most right now. Isn’t that enough?”
It turns out it wasn’t enough, because then we broke up. But, I’m twenty-eight now, and not as dull as I was at twenty. I still can’t figure out the future, but I do know one thing, if I hadn’t said that to Yi, it would have taken me a lot more effort to coax her. Why didn’t I understand such a simple thing when I was twenty? I was so stupid at twenty!
Yuki was my first girlfriend, and in fact, if you look at it by my current standards, I’m afraid we could only be considered friends back then, not even good friends.
Why do you say that? Because we only knew each other’s beautiful and courteous sides, and she hadn’t seen me play pool until we broke up. But then again, neither had Yee, because I hadn’t played pool in two years, alas! Poor socialite!
I forget how Yuki and I met, anyway, it was one of those one-on-one events from my college days. Why did you go after her? I guess because I was curious! After six years of monk education and an engineering college, I was really full of curiosity about women and longing for love, so I looked like a monkey, and my demeanor was both dull and acne-prone.
When I first met Snow, I didn’t think she was very pretty, to quote my friend, “Women! Two eyes, one nose, one mouth.”
But strangely enough, she smiled beautifully, and every time I watched her smile, I always had a wonderful feeling, as if I were waking up on a summer morning and looking up into the sky, where a pale white moon hung in the pale blue sky, giving me a very comfortable feeling.
“Yes?” Yuki put her cup down and smiled, “I don’t even know.” She said.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah! That’s the smile.” I raised my voice as if it were a treasure, “Wait, I’ll take a picture.”
The flash came on; I still have the photo to this day, and Yi found a photo album from my college days when she was rummaging through the apartment where I lived.
“Who’s this? It’s beautiful!” She said in that caught-me-in-the-pigtail tone, like a mom seeing a kid stealing candy.
I looked at it and told her, “That one! My first love!” Now Yi seemed to have found a treasure and pestered me about me and Snowy.
I ended up having to talk to her all afternoon, so take it from me, never talk to women about love stories, they love to hear them and they will turn them around and come after you later.
“So what do I look like when I smile?” Yi asked me and I said, “Like a cute smile that would charm me to death!”
Yi had a disappointed look on her face as she said, “I want an adjective like her la!”
Heh! What a joke, I’m a twenty-eight year old successful real estate salesman, I know how to illustrate the good things about a house and the bad things about hiding a house, but I’m not twenty years old anymore, I don’t write love letters in the middle of the night, poems about how much I love a woman.
I had to use a plagiarized one, and I said, “It’s like a thousand roses opening up at the same time!”
Yi laughed, and she said, “You won’t be mesmerized to death by a thousand roses that bloom together. You’ll only be mesmerized to death by a thousand one thousand won bills.”
I’m speechless. Is money the only thing I like now?
My story with Yuki is pretty normal too. In the beginning, it was like I was indoctrinating myself day and night, “You love her to death!” So I don’t go to play pool with my friends, I don’t play basketball, I don’t go for a ride on my bike, I don’t participate in any fellowship, I go to her when I have time, I rack my brain every night to write a love letter, I don’t know how she feels about it, and when she comes to see me she always calls me when she’s already there, and no matter what I’m doing, she makes sure I’m there right away to be with her.
I don’t know what she thought I was, a radio taxi? But I was enjoying myself, dating girls, holding hands, bluffing, making them laugh, kissing them on the mouth, it seemed like a good time, much more fun than playing snooker.
Is that what I thought back then? Forget it, I shouldn’t have been so cheap back then. I was supposed to like her a lot! Willing to do anything for her, as long as she asked me to do it. Truly, my diary at that time reads, ‘No matter the distance, no matter how hard the journey, I’ll be there anytime you call me. My love makes me fearless, even the deepest depths of hell, the power of the devil cannot daunt me, with your love, I will go forward.’
Afterwards I look at the former things, there is always some faint sadness in my heart, our breakup can be said to be inevitable, because after all, I’m not driving a radio taxi, and occasionally part-time driving is okay, if every day, I can not stand.
“Big Head! Going to the wives again today?” Experimental partner Snoopy asked me.
“Well…! It’s okay! It’s not too late to leave.” I said, that experiment was a bit of a pain in the ass. Snoopy has helped me with several experiments, so I’m sorry about this one.
“That’s good!” He said happily. We continued to work hard on wiring and tuning the oscilloscope.
It’s true that I had an appointment with Yuki that day, she called at noon and asked me to meet her at her dorm at 7pm, but it’s embarrassing to ask Snoopy to be busy alone until late every time. So… ugh! When I finished the experiment, it was already 6:30, I hurriedly rode my motorcycle, braving the drizzle, to their school, and it was 7:30pm.
I called for someone and no one was in her room. At this point I began to use my amazing endurance, drank two cans of coke, smoked half a pack of cigarettes, ten thirty. Her lady came back, and from a distance I saw her, returning with another boy high and happy, holding hands. I froze behind the bushes, stayed, watched her and the boy in front of the dormitory to say goodbye, I did not look back and left.
On the way back to school, the rain is still falling, this kind of day riding a motorcycle is the most dangerous, the rain will make the safety glass of the helmet blindfolded, I lifted the safety glass, all of a sudden the glasses are blindfolded again.
I don’t know how fast I rode on the second provincial highway, only that the wind was hurting my face, and the fact that when I opened my mouth to shout a lot of wind was pouring in at once.
After returning to the dormitory, I ran to watch MTV alone, until dawn, of course, originally because of the small snow to quit smoking addiction also do not care, in the morning back to the dormitory to sleep in my head only one sentence, “I’m a big fucking idiot.”
It was something that Yuki never knew about until we broke up two months later, and of course, I didn’t dare let the kindly Snoopy know.
Thinking about it now, that night was probably the closest I’ve ever come to death; it was a complete fluke that I didn’t fall into a ravine, and I’ve always been thankful that God didn’t kill me that day.
This incident had a major impact on our relationship, I tried to salvage my relationship with my best friend, and started to resume the days of playing pool, basketball, smoking and playing poker with friends and bluffing, Yuki didn’t really react to my change, she used to say on the phone, “Wow! She used to say on the phone, “Wow, you’re not doing anything! Forget it then, it’s okay.”
I tried very, very hard to find out from her tone of voice and letters if she cared about my absence, and what happened? No, she was still bland and hadn’t changed at all.
Two months later in the summer, I got a call from her.
“Big Head, I’m at the train station, do you want to come out!” She was her usual tone, killing it alone to come to the city where I live, never informing me beforehand. It was three days before Tanabata, Sunday.
“Oh. I’ll be right there! I’ll be right there, just wait a minute.” I answered, hung up the phone, and rode to the train station to find her.
She wore skinny jeans and a light green Zozanu T-shirt, and we wandered aimlessly down the street, bullshitting like the old days, but I somehow felt that the atmosphere wasn’t quite the same that day. We bought a pair of jewelry in a jewelry store, then went to the next store for coffee, neither of us spoke during the coffee, and at the door of the coffee shop she said, “See you later!” Then flung her head back and walked off alone in the direction of the train station.
I laughed and straddled the locomotive to go home and play the telethon.
After that day, I didn’t see her again, no more correspondence, no more holding the phone in the middle of the night. And of course, no more people saying, “Damn you, you’re such a bitch, you forget your friends when you see them.” Some boring guys among my friends would keep asking me, “What’s going on with you and your girlfriend?”
I was so annoyed that I simply put the word out, “Anyone who asks me about that woman again, I’m going to flip him off.” Only then did they stop asking.
Later, when moving dormitory, all of Snow’s letters were lost, and the only things I have left about her are that photo and the hand I bought on the day of the breakup, and sometimes I dream of her, and her face is getting more and more blurry.
“If you hadn’t seen that guy with her that time, would you have broken up with her?” Yi asked me after hearing that.
I thought about it and said, “Will! Because I will meet you.” Yi laughed again and she said, “Lying to me again! Tell me the truth!”
Of course I didn’t tell Yi the truth, I just bluffed my way through it; but I’ve thought about it myself, if I hadn’t waited for those three hours that day, if Xue had waited for me for half an hour that day, if that guy was just Xue’s way of pissing me off…. Would I have broken up with her? I think so. Why didn’t I leave Snoopy alone that day to do the experiment? Is there any other reason besides embarrassment? Or was I just tired of being a radio cab driver and I just didn’t know it? I guess the reason for the breakup wasn’t the guy, the breakup was because of distance and boredom! But I don’t know if that’s really the case.
The barber finally finished his work and I put on my glasses and stood up as my oldest brother waited for me outside the door. “Heh heh! My oldest brother is kinda handsome!”
When we got into his car and I lit a cigarette, my oldest brother said, “Flick the ashes out! If your sister-in-law catches me, I’ll be read to again.”
“All right!” I said, “I’m a big man!”
My oldest brother laughed dryly a couple times and asked me, “Did Dad say anything to you yesterday about the umbrella?”
“Yes!” I replied, “Why, the day before you were to be married, he approached you about umbrellas too.”
“Right!” Lao laughed and said, “When my son gets married in the future, I’ll tell him about umbrellas too, so that all the men in our family know the story of umbrellas.”
Last night, a bunch of relatives and friends gathered at my house, talking about what kind of family Ayi’s family is, what Ayi looks like, when I’m going to have a baby, and how I’m feeling, etc. My mom happily took out the wedding photos I took with Ayi and talked about our financial situation. My mom happily took out the wedding photos of Ayi and I, talked about her family’s financial situation, and gave a tour of our new house, while my dad sat on the side, grinning in triumph over his success in threading the needle.
“Our family Cheung-chan! Looking for a wife for a long time but couldn’t find one, I introduced him and it worked in one go.” Dad said, with Big Brother’s kid sitting on his knee eating candy, and of course there was a flurry of flattery from the relatives.
After the relatives dispersed, Dad killed to my room, when I was lying in the newly bought double bed, looking at the room full of words and red paper plastered everywhere. Dad sat on the edge of the bed, said: “You are going to get married tomorrow, after marriage is to assume a responsibility, do not give the wife and children worry about you.”
I sat up and said, “I know! I won’t worry about Yi!” To be honest, getting married, I was more frightened than joyful; more busy than sweet. When we got married, Yi and I were so busy that we became idiots, taking wedding photos, buying furniture, sending wedding cakes, and doing this and that. Whenever my oldest brother heard me complaining, he said, “Think about it, you can go to Australia for half a month after you get married! Guarantee you’ll come back feeling really good about getting married”
Dad then began his philosophy of umbrella marriage, he said, “Pickled so and so is like an umbrella, as a person’s house is pickled son-in-law is the umbrella surface, as a so and so is the umbrella bone.” He waited for me to nod and then continued, “An umbrella which is no umbrella surface can not cover the rain, which is no umbrella bone is afraid to sell open. Do you hear this?”
“I know! Dad!” I said, dad nodded and said: “ah baby is miles umbrella Yeka shelter rain, you pickled son of a which is no cooperation, baby on the poor Luo. If the umbrella has a hole, the baby is to mend the hole, so ah! After you get married, Mr. boy, what to do with the first think about your ah-awkward boy, ah Ni marriage on ah harmonious, well sold divorce.”
Note: See if there is one! Let me translate this sentence, “Children are sheltered under umbrellas, if you and your wife don’t cooperate, the children will be pitiful! If the umbrella is torn, the child is the one who mends the hole! So, after you get married, Mr. and Mrs. Kids, think of your wife and kids before you do anything, so your marriage will be harmonious and you won’t get divorced.”
Next, my father said something about men being the masters and women being the masters, and that he would do whatever Ayi told him to do at home, but that he could not give Ayi full authority over money matters, and the same for career matters. After the conversation, my father said, “We have a busy day tomorrow, so go to bed early.”
I lay in bed, thinking about my father’s words, and it didn’t take long for me to stop thinking about getting married! When I put the ring on Yi’s finger, I was determined to tie our destinies together. However, what I thought was, do I fucking love Ayi or not, or is it simply a matter of following my parents’ order to marry a girl into the family, and then use the responsibility to tie me and Ayi together, in which case it would be fair and unfair to Ayi. I don’t want to think deeply about it, this question will wait until after the wedding, I have to be busy tomorrow.
What about Yi? What does she think? We’ve only known each other for three months, and we’ve spent more time sizing up each other’s conditions than we have talking about love, and although I think I love her and she loves me, our relationship has been completely untested, and we’ve had absolutely no time to grow up, so is it reliable?
“Whatever! Dating is such a thing, and when both parties see eye to eye, they get married first. The free love ones may not be more stable than the blind dates anyway. You have to believe that your luck is always good.” I consoled myself, immediately put these problems aside, and had a good night’s sleep, and laughed out loud when I thought of Ayi while dreaming, I’m very happy, aren’t I? Yi her family and my family background is comparable, Yi education, looks, personality is also very good, I really have no reason not to be happy, married to this kind of wife is really good ah!
The car drove home in a flash, and when I entered, my mom helped me straighten up my appearance and adjusted the position of my tie.
“I’ll ask Yi to help you tie your tie tomorrow.” Mom said, and I replied with a smile, “You look better!”
Mom laughed too. I know what she always said: “I can die in this life as long as I can see your brothers build a family, have a few grandchildren for me to hold, and enjoy a few years of happiness.” I probably got married partly because of my mom!
The wedding caravan set off after checking their watches and radios. Originally, Yi’s house wasn’t that far away, but in order to make up the time, the caravan had to drive slowly around the long way, which would take half an hour.
I sat in the backseat and began to think of Fen, who was my second girlfriend and, I’m afraid, the woman I felt most sorry for. Fen and I met in my senior year of college, when I was in addition to nine classes a week, the rest of the time in the outside world, in addition to the economic source of the tutorial class part-time job, I also go everywhere to participate in what direct sales, insurance, real estate, securities trading and other activities, full of money. I met Fen at the cram school where I worked.
Fen was a year older than me, and after she graduated from college she worked as a tutor at a cram school, while I taught math and science and chemistry at that cram school. I was attracted to her because of the way she was with children. What was it like? It’s hard for me to say, but I was attracted to her because of her loving behavior and cute smile, or as my friend put it, her “maternal beauty”. She always had a little light smile, with a cute little smiley smile on both sides, and I couldn’t resist it.
Chase her when, the family has sold the land, I hand money quite a lot, often driving the beloved Mitsubishi Sun Drill everywhere, just chase can be said to be the use of the silver bullet offensive, three days to send flowers, send gifts, but she can not be moved, and later I learned that she then had a boyfriend on the outer islands when the military.
“It’s not that I don’t like you, and your advances do make my heart flutter a little, but I already have a boyfriend, and even though he’s not with me, my heart is all about him, and I really don’t want to hurt you, so please don’t be sending me flowers.”
The first letter Fen wrote to me was like this, you can understand how I thought at that time, I like her, but she likes someone else, it’s not like I don’t need to be a soldier myself, I don’t want to hurt that innocent man, but it’s really hard for me to let go.
I look for my old brother to talk about this matter, my old brother said so: “strange, every man is like you, I was in the army when how girlfriend will run away. Like to go after, worry so much why.”
“But I’m going to be in the army in another six months, what if she runs away.” I said.
“Who can know what will happen in the future, in front of me I see that you are distressed to death, if you chase her now, at least you can properly accompany her for half a year, it is better than you are now not even in the army before you fall out of love first.” Older brother said, “Can’t even take care of the immediate future, and still think of the future.”
So I don’t care about that poor man in the outer islands, continue to chase her, hard attack can’t I use soft begging, first show that at least can still be friends.
Later, Fen told me, “I wanted to break up with you at that time, but you’re as sticky as glue!”
I laughed and said, “Just kidding, how am I supposed to chase you without sticking it to you, who told me I love you so much I’m completely oblivious to the image.”
I went to her home to pick her up, looking for cram school colleagues to help me as a cover, she was on vacation a few colleagues will find her out to play, of course, as long as she to, I will certainly be there. Slowly become I spend all day with her together, and I also used improper means and she went to bed, that is actually her first time, she and her boyfriend dating two years, that guy actually did not move her. This gives me a lot of moral pressure, although she did not say anything to me afterwards to blame words, but instead and I feel better, but I always feel very sorry for her.
When I was about to graduate, she told me, “I broke up with Masayoshi.” Then immediately a string of tears fell, she kept talking for an afternoon about how she was sorry Zhengliang, she and Zhengliang once upon a time. To be honest, I did not listen to a word, although I was comforting her, but I was happy to die, that night we kept having sex, a play she cried, told me never abandon her, because she abandoned Zhengliang for me, in order to prove it, she cried after we will do it again.
The crisis between Fen and I first appeared in my home, I brought her home to meet my family, Fen’s personality is relatively introverted, and my family often do not say a few words, and I stayed in the room; and I did not feel that this is dangerous at that time, I think that since she and my family do not get along well, so bring her back to my home less, so I ran to her home all day. My mother was very disgusted by this, and she was afraid that her son would become someone else’s son; but she did not mention it in front of me, and she conveyed it to me through my brother.
“Older brother! How come that Xiu Fen of yours comes to our house and doesn’t even chat with mom.” Older brother asked me out for tea, he chatted for a while and then cut to the chase.
“She’s a bit less talkative! And every time mom watches that restaurant show, Fen doesn’t like it.” I explained for Fen.
“Then why don’t you stay at home and go to her house?” My brother added, “I’m telling you, mom’s not happy with you. If you really like her and want to make a long-lasting relationship with her, you’d better not have a bad relationship with mom.”
“I didn’t! It’s not like I run over to her house a lot and stay there for a long time.” I was in complete denial at the time, because I didn’t think I was like that at all. Although I know now that Mom’s concerns were normal. I was away from home every day, helping Fen’s sister with her high school math, and when her dad was sick, I went to her house to watch the store and carry the groceries. And I was too honest, I thought I was doing a good job, and proudly told my family about it, completely unaware of my mom’s jealousy, and my mom’s antipathy towards Xiu Fen, which finally caused us to break up.
Another shortcoming of Fen that my mom criticized was that she was too obedient to me, she didn’t even object to my smoking, and she could accompany me to play pool and make a mess with my buddies all night long. These behaviors, my mother is opposed to, she saw Fen not only do not care about me, instead of accompanying me to make trouble, Fen’s antipathy gradually deepened. Mom even in front of my face to count Finn is not, but she can not win me, actually moved out of Finn’s father surgery hospitalized, her family’s poor financial situation to the reason.
I have a big fight with my mom for this sentence, I still remember my mom’s snot and tears at that time, scolding me for a woman who even disregarded my mom. I saw her like that, although I also want to comfort her, but at that time did not pull down the face of this matter, driving the car and go to find Fen.
Fen look at me a stink face, but also did not directly ask me how it is, but I was really a stomach of birds at that time, she did not ask, I did not have reservations to say clearly.
Fen was more resourceful than I was in sensing the danger of this, “And you ran out on me, if you still want me as a girlfriend, go home now.” Fen told me sharply.
“No, I’m definitely not going home tonight.” I think I must have been so angry that I lost my mind, no matter how much Fen said good and bad, I die not go. Fen had no choice but to call my home, trying to find my brother out to persuade me to go back, who knew that the phone was answered by my mom, mom as soon as she heard Fen’s voice, cursing.
Honestly, I admire Fen’s cultivation. Later on, she wrote to me, “That time your mom was really mad at me, and she was right, I’m older than you, and my family’s economy is not good, and I can’t please her. She really wasn’t wrong, really…, you don’t have to fight with your mom for me, I don’t want to see you get upset with your mom over me. That would only make your mom hate me more, and I’d be even less able to be with you.”
That time, my dad heard my mom cursing like that, it must have been Fen’s phone, he grabbed it in a hurry, and after asking me where I was, he came out to look for me to go home. As soon as my mom saw us, she pointed her nose at me and yelled at me. I couldn’t stand it, so I got into a fight with her, and when she saw that I was helping her, she was so angry that she was trembling all over. I don’t think I can ever forget that scene, mom was shaking while shedding tears and cursing very unpleasant words, Fen stood behind me, gripping my hand tightly, also shaking, I looked back at her, her tears were also flowing like broken threads, but she didn’t say a single word, she just tried hard to hold onto my hand and stood.
While holding mom and pushing her to the dining room, dad shouted, “Ah Wing, send Fanny back! Cheung-chan, you’re still talking, would you stop talking.”
My brother lowly pulled Fen wanted to go out, but I pulled Fen not to let go, yelling at my mom: “Today we will make it clear how, I just want to marry Xiu Fen, you take me what.” Fen tried to shake off my hand, she whispered, “Xiang, let go! I’m going back!”
Fen went back that day after all, and the three of us, my mom and I and my dad, confronted each other in the living room for an hour before my mom was dragged back to her room by my dad to go to bed, and I lay on the couch and kept on smoking, as if smoking would solve all of this through and through.
My brother sat down as soon as he came back and lit up a cigarette as well, he finished smoking and opened his mouth to tell me, “Older brother, think about it, what good is it for you and Xiu Fen if you do this. XiuFen went back to the road has been crying, asked me if she and you break up will be much better, you say, you this is not forcing XiuFen to leave you.” Older brother stood up and went back to his room to sleep.
I couldn’t argue with what he said, and true to Fen’s character, she wouldn’t want to make anyone unhappy because of her, let alone the fact that the two people today were me and my mom.
After that night, within a few days I received my draft papers and had to go south to Longtian Base in Tainan to serve as a soldier. I communicated with my mom a few times, and she admitted that it wasn’t because Fen and her family were not well off financially, or because she was older than me, but because I was too protective of Fen, and that she couldn’t stand the thought of her youngest son being like this at all. I told her, “It’s not that I disown you as my mom, but you were my mom when I was born, but Fen is different, I have to go after it to get a wife.”
Mom said, “Then why do you have to have that one? Can’t you get another one?” I don’t understand how my mom could think like that. She’s a woman, what does she think of Fen.
“It’s not like you don’t know that girlfriends are that easy to chase? And I really like Fen! What’s more, Fen just can’t talk, what’s wrong with her? Why do you look at her bad anymore.” I said.
Mom sighed and said, “Forget it! Forget it! You like it anyway.”
Honestly, I really can’t understand it. Does the fact that I like Fin mean I don’t want my mom? What do these two things have to do with each other? Later, my brother told me, “You’re too good to Xiu-Fen’s family, but what about your own family? As soon as you go home, you sleep, and when you’re full, you go to help her family look after the store, and sometimes you simply don’t come home, which is too much.”
“But it’s not like I’m the only one missing in our family, Xiu Fen’s family is different, her dad is sick, her mom has to take care of her dad, she has to go to work herself, and her sister is still in school, it’s a lot worse for me to go and help out with an extra person.”
“So what’s Fen her family going to do when you go off to the army soon?” My brother said, this sentence stepped on my pain, as soon as I received the military order I was worried, in the two years I went to the army, what about Fen her family, Fen how to do, in the time when her family needs help the most, I’m going to be a soldier. If someone treats her better at this time, will she run away with someone else? I am very uneasy about that.
“Fen, you mustn’t change your mind while I’m in the army!” I went to Fen’s house on the third day of receiving my military order.
Fen said, “The most important issue between us isn’t you going to the army ah!” She went on to say, “We have so many obstacles that it would be better to separate sooner rather than be forced to be together.”
“Don’t say that!” I was really scared, she was like this before I even went to the army, if I went to the army and didn’t see her a few times a month, wouldn’t that kill me?
“Fin! My mom’s side won’t be a problem if we’re firm enough, my dad isn’t against us and my mom is alone.” I put my hand over to hold hers and said, “Besides, my mom already said yesterday that as long as I like you, she has nothing against it. Trust me, okay!”
Fen didn’t answer, she just looked at me, and that look was filled with something I didn’t understand. After a while, she smiled and said, “The words ‘trust me’ are pretty good! As if everything is okay if I trust you.” She bowed her head and added, “If only that were true!”
“Fin! Don’t be like this! I can’t trust you to be a soldier!”
Fen kept her head down, in that short ten minutes, but it seemed like a century had passed for me, it’s not that I didn’t understand the difficulties that would be faced, she alone had to take care of a family, to maintain her relationship with my mom, to maintain her relationship with me, to endure the pain of longing for someone in two different places, it’s no wonder that she had to be afraid, if it were me, I would have fled a long time ago. We both felt nothing but fear at that time, intense fear. I’ve since wondered if there really is a love in the world that can resist everything, and those two guys were either selfish and self-interested, or had no baggage at all.
Fen looked up easily, there were no tears in her eyes, and she said, “Whatever, let’s go see the sea today, okay?” Of course I agreed.
We spent the whole night looking at the sea, which was very dark, and the low lower moon was not very bright, and the sea-breeze from the coast blew over the sea, bringing gusts of coolness, and we leaned against the side of the sun-drill all night, and she kept her head buried in my arms, and in consequence of which, when the sun shone from the landward side, she spoke to me as she said, “It is still daybreak! “
I knew what she meant, it meant “what’s done is done”.
I asked my brother to take care of Fen, gave Fen my own 100,000 dollars, and instructed her sister to keep an eye on Fen for me, and told Fen, “I’ll write to you every day, you don’t have to worry about me, you can visit my house more often when you’re free, and just get on good terms with my mom, I’ll be back as soon as I’m on vacation, so I’ll be working hard for you for the next twenty months.”
Fen didn’t say much, she just said one word: “Yes!”
When I was in recruit training, I really wrote letters every day. It was very painful for me to write letters, not to mention that there was really nothing to write about in the military, so I had to write letters every day to ask Fen how she was doing. How are things at home?
The first two months were fine, although she and my mom only maintained a polite relationship, but my dad was quite good to her, although Fen was busy, she would always take time to come to my house to sit down, but, as you can imagine, this period of time didn’t last long, Fen’s father’s illness worsened after I finished the recruit training, and Fen’s sister wrote to me: “My sister is so poor these days, I often want to take off from school to help her, but she scolded me back. I often wanted to take a break from school to help her, but she scolded me back. Brother Lin, if only you were here, I’m really afraid that my sister won’t be able to hold out on her own. If she collapses, I’m afraid that this family will…,” she wrote to me.
The letter from Fen is not as serious as what her sister wrote, she only said: “Dad’s illness is getting worse day by day, the doctor said that it may not last a year, mom stayed with him day and night, I see that when dad collapsed, mom would probably collapse too, alas… By this time, I do not know what it means to be warm and fuzzy in human beings. ……… How are you doing in Tainan? Don’t worry about me too much, I have to go on with my life anyway, although your absence often makes me feel lonely, and every time I’m free, I think of you, if only you were here, so I wouldn’t have to do all this by myself. I really miss you! I miss our old happy days. Forget it, it’s already late, I have a busy day tomorrow.”
Every time I came home from vacation, I just watched her get more out of shape than ever, and one time she even told me, “How about you desert, let’s run to the mountains and hide.”
I was really shocked that time, Fen has always been more responsible than me, I am only responsible for her, but she is responsible for everyone, she would say this kind of words, really out of my expectation, but fortunately she immediately said, “I’m just kidding! Don’t take it seriously.”
But I knew that she was really, really tired, and maybe she really needed another man to take care of her, and I started to seriously consider the good and bad parts of our breakup.
Fen and I broke up shortly after I had been in the army for a year. I was guarding the sea defenses in Changbin, Taitung, where I watched the sea every day and saw my mind go blank. I wrote her a letter, telling her that if anyone was after her, she didn’t need to consider me, and that maybe another man would be better than me. I think I had become an idiot from watching the sea, actually saying such things to a woman who had been waiting for me for almost 400 days, but at that time I really thought it was better.
When she received the letter, she called me right away and scolded me for being a bad person, saying that I was a big asshole, that I didn’t know anything about women, and that I was both ignorant and shameless. That was the first time I heard her scolding someone, but I didn’t realize it was me. I tried hard to explain what I thought, but it just got worse and worse.
She spoke hatefully, “Don’t use that excuse if you’re going to dump me, shameless man.”
All right. I’m shameless! I’m shameless, I’m ignorant, I’m an idiot, I’m a big dumbass, I have no heart, no liver, no lungs, no belly, I’ll go to hell alright! Listening to the sound of Fen hanging up the phone, these were the only words in my head. I tried hard to reach Fen, she didn’t answer the phone, she didn’t write back, I spent five hours on vacation looking for her, but she avoided me, her sister said over the intercom, “My sister, my sister went out on a date.”
That’s a pretty merciless voice! Well, well, well! I waited downstairs until it was past my vacation time, and my brother and dad grabbed me and drove me back to the army, resulting in a month’s leave ban. At the end of my leave, I received a red envelope from Fen, and at the end of it, she added, “I don’t want you to come to the wedding”! I wouldn’t have the face to go if I really wanted to!
Looking at the boundless Pacific Ocean, I really had a desire to desert when I was on the night watch, squatting in the Gon post, I smoked all the two packs of army cigarettes in two hours, until I retched my stomach, until I was dizzy, I wanted to vomit but I couldn’t vomit anything but only my tears flowed down all the time, and the Pacific Ocean in the darkness of the night was very dark. That’s how it was, I didn’t desert or commit suicide, I went to the hotel to find a woman after my vacation, and then I kept watching the Ragamuffin Opera, in which the people were so good that they could come back to life after death.
When I came home from the army, I tried to find out about Fen, and a coworker at the cram school said, “She got married shortly after her dad died, and seems to have followed her husband and moved to the south.”
They looked at me with strange eyes, and I suppose Fen getting married and the groom not being me must have turned into a topic of conversation for others!
After the army, I went back to cram school for a while, and then my mom introduced me to my uncle’s real estate company. To be honest, many women there were pretty and had good personalities, but I thought it might be a guilty pleasure! I never had the desire to pursue a girlfriend, but my junior, Li, told me, “Director Lin, Ms. Chen and the others say you’re so cool!”
Really, what kind of bullshit is this? I’m lazy, not cool.
So I have been until the four years with Yi dating, can be said in the emotional life of a blank, the guilt of Fen has not been able to put aside, is that I am sorry for her, if she married a husband is not good to her how to do, if she is not happy how to do, I once made a vow how to do.
The only understanding of this matter of the old brother has more than once advised me, I am not unaware that some things in life are predestined, forced can not be, should you can not hide; but the human heart is made of flesh, can not really not feel the pain at all?
Lao said something like, “One hundred percent love makes one hundred percent couples; but one hundred percent couples are not necessarily one hundred percent couples.”
He said faintly again, “Do you think the woman I love most in my life is your sister-in-law? No, you also know that I love that person the most, but so what, I treat her like a human being, she treats me like an idiot. I treat your sister-in-law like an idiot, but she is willing to marry me. Hmph! Things in this world are just fucking weird, especially love, it’s destined to be unfair, whoever gives more, whoever takes it a little more seriously, whoever is fucking unlucky.”
To be honest, I can’t agree with my brother’s words, but at this age, I really don’t have any illusions about love anymore. It’s impossible for me to be a taxi driver for love and carry all the pressure for love like I used to be; at twenty-eight, I’m an eagle, I want to measure up to the best person to talk to, and when I encounter a momentary insurmountable obstacle, I’ll just run away and won’t gamble everything for love anymore. This is growth or degradation, the awakening of dreams or the disillusionment of ideals, I do not know. For me now, I want a burden of responsibility, a sense of belonging, a home of my own, and Yi gives me just that.
Compared to Yi’s concern for my emotional world, I was completely oblivious to her past. Of course with her looks, it was impossible for her to be completely unchallenged, and she once smiled and said, “I’ve had my share of very twisted love stories too?”
“As long as it’s over, I don’t want to know, and anyway, the Ayi I know is the Ayi who’s going to be my wife, not the Ayi who’s going to be someone else’s girlfriend.” I said.
Yi laughed as she interjected, “Can I be someone else’s girlfriend after I’m your wife?”
“I’ll have the guy castrated if you dare.” I purposely kept my voice hushed. “If you’re still going to be with him like that, I’ll admit it.”
Yi didn’t say anything else as she played with the engagement ring on her hand and asked me again, “Why do you want to marry me?”
My response was, “Because I love you so much that I want to spend the rest of my life with yah! Little idiot.”
Yi looked me straight in the eye and said, “I hope it doesn’t turn into ‘having to spend the rest of my life with me’ when it comes down to it.”
Both Yi and I in fact understand the main reason for this marriage, the love between the two of us is secondary, the age of the two of us and our families are the main players, if we had followed a normal relationship, I think we would have had the opportunity to have a good relationship, not a good marriage, our marriage was due to the alarm clocks around us ringing so desperately and noisily that we had to figure out a way to make those clocks quiet. Of course, it’s not that we don’t love each other, it’s just that those alarm clocks are just too loud.
The car arrived at Ayi’s house, Ayi her house was also full of people, I felt my pockets to make sure of the location of the red envelopes, all the way to send the red envelopes to the outside of Ayi’s room, the door of the door a bucket of Xi, open the door to the room, and use the red envelopes to send off her classmates and friends, only to see Ayi was pushed out.
I hardly recognized her with her heavy make-up, and her thin wrists were full of gold ornaments. Clusters of aunts, uncles, aunts, and others pushed us around, and outside the door men hurriedly prepared bamboo poles to hang pork, rice moss, and fireplaces.
I held Yi’s hand and silently performed all the rules and etiquette. When the car left, bursts of firecrackers sounded all around, the convoy drove out from the smoke, Ah Yi could hardly raise her head, I held her hand, although separated by two layers of thin gloves, but still could feel her alarm and uneasiness, we exchanged glances, knowing that there was still a lot of road ahead to walk together, and in the future, there would be no more gloves in the handshake.
In the stream of passing time, there are my eternal memories.
[Written on the back]
Uh… Ahem… This isn’t an awards ceremony, but I’m going to say something anyway. I want to thank all my friends who have encouraged me, although writing is my hobby, without your encouragement, it would be very difficult to continue. Thank you to my brother and second cousin, without your marriage, I wouldn’t have thought of writing such a thing. I would like to thank all of you for your patience in reading this, although the trouble of creating and the pain of typing belong to me, I hope that you can also get pleasure from reading it, and I am happy to think that I can bring you joy and space for imagination.
Have to say sorry to my buddy magicpig because the hero didn’t get hit by a gravel truck as we originally discussed.
Finally, I’m sorry that I won’t be writing any more stories until May, although I do have a few more ideas that I’d like to work on, such as “Heroes of the Air, Flies, and Me,” “The Jumper’s Note,” “The Spider’s Egg, “The Spider’s Egg” and so on…. But the most important issues at hand are my exams, my reports, my boss’s warnings…. I don’t want to worry about these things, but you don’t live in the world just for your own interests, there are other people’s expectations that create a heavy pressure on your back. Tch! I can’t help but swear and stop writing.
LANCE at 5am with foggy windows ….